I just learned that my father died in March of 2018.

[emmaverybo]

27. So sorry. Our parents, even before we can remember back to, were primary, deep bonds. I am

just guessing that, because in writing of him you do show capacity to feel, love, reflect on his and your life emotionally, he did give you care as a baby. That leaves its imprint.
I was thinking about PTSD, but did not know how to put it. Then I saw how well another poster addressed this very real possibility. You are rightly proud of your father’s great service. He paid for that as have you.
Wayne Dwyer wrote movingly about searching years for the father who had abandoned him and his mother only to find he was dead and could not be vented at or explain. I found comfort in reading his account. Maybe if you can’t write right now, you will find something in reading. If not his story, those of others who have suffered a missing before the final missing.
I hope you allow yourself mourning and accept condolences.
The death of a parent, no matter the quality of their parenting, is a very big deal.
PS. Do pursue with V.A. Also, my dad was a vet, non-combat WWII and I found he had a military gravestone. Maybe mom got him one but I never knew of it. Maybe your dad has one.