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Name: Dalton Ivey
Gender: Male
Hometown: The Outer Banks
Home country: USA
Current location: Minneapolis, MN
Member since: Wed Mar 6, 2019, 02:24 PM
Number of posts: 2,751

Journal Archives

So, who else has been re-reading the 'Foundation' series with more dread than normal? (n/t)

Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Sun Apr 17, 2022, 08:08 AM (4 replies)

I had a thought.

Does anyone remember the very first photograph that they ever took? I still have mine...

This was taken at Jamestown, VA in 1974. My class had gone on a field trip to the site and my mother had given me the only camera we had, which was her Kodak X-15 Instamatic. (We were about poor and this was an amazing thing. Not only did she let me take the camera, they bought a roll of film for me to use.) The entire roll, excepting this image, came out blurry. (I was ten at the time, so not a surprise.) I have no idea if the Jamestown site even looks like this anymore. But, I thought that I might start the ball rolling. How about the rest of you? Do you remember your first foray into photography? Do you still have it? Share yours now!

Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Tue Apr 12, 2022, 09:04 PM (9 replies)

Words cannot express how touched I am at all the hearts I have received.

So, I won't use any!

Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Tue Feb 15, 2022, 10:54 AM (0 replies)

Thank you for the hearts.

Whoever you are.

Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Wed Feb 9, 2022, 10:47 AM (0 replies)

I want to thank all of you

I am going through a very rough time these days (hell, these past several years). I also wanted to maybe offer some explanation in regards to my post and replies. First one. There was a time when I would have been happy to accept offers of financial aid. However, that acceptance usually returned to bite me on the ass. Yes, I know that many here mentioned that the offers were done without thought of return. The problem is that there is always a return in some way. As Chiwetel Ejiofor said in 'Dr. Strange', "The bill comes due." In the past, I have received aid and used it, and suddenly there certainly seemed to be some return expected. There were times when I had to ask my mother for help. This led to the deterioration of our relationship as she, like the majority of Americans, seemed far more interested in her money than in me. This lady was a triage nurse. I am still struggling with why she never got me any help for the painfully obvious mental issues I have. (I know why she didn't. It is a combination of coming from an age when 'mental health' was akin to voodoo, and her desire to not look bad to her friends. You know the ones that sit around gossiping about other people like they themselves are freaking saints.) This soured me on ever accepting money from anyone. It was not my intention to offend anyone who was offering. It is just that every time I have done it, it always bites me on the ass. Especially when it comes with 'no thought of return'.

Secondly, I am not sure how others deal with this kind of thing, but to say there is a lack of support system for me is an understatement. Of course, I know what I get when I tell other people this. Which is fine, and i appreciate it. But, telling someone without money to just 'go get some help' is akin to telling a drowning man that all he needs to do is breathe more air. I have mentioned before that I have been through this entire charade in five states now, and the end result is always the same. There is no denial that there are two levels of healthcare in this country. And, I am not in the one that offers real help. (As opposed to the kind that I got in the county settings where they tossed me a bottle of Paxil and said goodbye. No appointment setting. No discussion of follow up. Just 'Okay, there ya go. Bye now!' I understand that others may have had different experiences than I have had. That is great. But, I hope you can understand there is a saying that I know I have mentioned on here before: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!" So, you can hopefully understand why I am very reticent to even consider those options.

Thirdly, I am still trying to understand why no one seems to be able to grok that I am done here. I have nothing else to offer anyone except a deteriorating human who cannot live in the current societal model, since it has now all but made me obsolete. Nothing I have done matters to anyone and there is nothing else I can do to be productive in any way. (Except maybe a few more years of reduced physical labor until I become unable to even move.) Yes, this is all whining. I no longer care about how it sounds. I love how I keep researching help online and I keep getting articles that stress how 'people find it difficult to ask for help'. I have been yelling for it. It is not about people not asking for help. It is that there is no help to be had outside of the top 10-12% of the population in this country. It is just logical to stop suffering. It is just logical to not waste resources. But, I am still here, still suffering and still wasting resources. I don't get it.

Lastly, I do not know what I am going to do from here. I do not see any hope for getting my husband out of the mess we are in unless I remove myself from the equation. I don't see my life being anything more than it is now. Suffering and taking up space while marking time in a failed existence. I don't know... maybe there is some reason that I am still here. All I know is I really doubt it is for anything good. I did not ask to be born like this. I did not ask to be flawed. I certainly did not ask to be 'different'. But, whatever. There is no loss from my departure. All I need to do now is try and figure out how to overcome my aversion to pain. That is the only thing keeping me here right now. I also wish to say that I understand if this board wishes me to stop posting this stuff. I will do so if directed. I can see how a few here are getting irritated with me. It won't be the first time I thought I found a place to have these discussions only to be told that I had to stop because I was 'disruptive' (read: not taking their advice, not showing any 'progress', etc.) Again, I am not trying to offend. But, I have to say what is bouncing around in my head or it just festers. But, regardless of all of it, I really appreciate everyone doing what they could to help. As I often say to people who say they are going to 'pray' for me, "It is a wasted effort but don't think I don't appreciate it."
Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Thu Feb 3, 2022, 11:57 AM (12 replies)

Second Update

First of all, let me extend a massive thanks to everyone who has offered to help. The DU community is proving more and more to be a solid one. That is a very, very, very (you get the picture) rare thing these days. One thing I always stressed to the kids at the school where I used to work was that anyone can put anything on the internet. It can look very professional and very authentic. But, it is still suspect and should be taken that way. To see that, despite the modern times we live in, there is still a bit of old fashioned humanity rolling around this nation, even if it is a very tiny bit that seems to be dissolving altogether. And it only seems to exist within the older community, which is horrifying but not entirely unexpected.

The situation with the vehicle has changed. The starter that was replaced was deemed to be defective and the repair place is going to do the repair for free, since they already did this 48 hours ago. Now, I still have my... well... suspicions about this situation but we will see how it goes. Yesterday I had to hold my husband in my arms while he cried from the stress of all this crap happening. I mean, it is not bad enough that his former employer totally screwed him over during the pandemic. It is not bad enough that, in order to survive, he has had to go back to working with that same company in a position that he once was overseeing. It is not enough that he is stuck with a complete waste of flesh who will only become more of a waste as time passes. He then told me that everything is okay when he is with me. I almost screamed in terror.

The beast is still rolling around inside of me. It still wants to know why I am still here. I have no answer for it. I do know that the world would be better off without someone like me using up resources that could be used to aid someone in a far better position to contribute to our society. As the old meme says, "Mistakes: Maybe the only reason for your life is to serve as a warning for others". I have found that one to be very spot-on as pertains to my life. And, I am tired of being an example of how not to survive in modern America. Far better to get out of the way. All I wanted was to be able to make a decent living doing what I loved to do. I paid the dues, and did the time to try and get there, but was thwarted at every turn. Sometimes it was my own fault. Most of the time, it was someone else's. I have tried to redefine myself multiple times. All for naught. I see no reason to keep doing this.

As to 'getting help'... I cannot stress enough that this is far from my first rodeo with this crap. It is a simple thing. In this country, if you want to get real help for your mental state, you have to have lots of money. Period. Those other places are just making sure you get back out there and be a wage slave to our overlords. They will try their damnedest to convince you that all you needed is a few pills to make you all better and then you can run right back into the workforce so the CEO can buy another yacht. That is NOT mental help. But, that is what you will get if you seek help from anywhere other than the top doctors and hospitals. The aim of mental health in this country is to maintain the workforce, not to actually help people. Because, some people are not going to be functionable in the current socioeconomic setup. Based on personal experiences, it seems as if that makes us 'irredeemable' and therefore to be ignored. Of course, when one decides to check out, the authority responds with force. Because they cannot be seen as 'allowing' their workers to control their destinies to that degree. Such behavior leads to loss of potential workers and doesn't show strength and power to the rest of the world.

Let me ask you all a question. Do you remember back when a person could live their life without having to join the wage slave force? Before we were all brainwashed to believe that we HAD to strive to live like the wealthy do because they are the greatest thing since sliced bread and know way more than us plebes? ? Hell, I remember when the town looked at the richest person there with a mixture of pity and exasperation, because it was obvious to us that having all that money created a level of social delusion. Now, we all embrace that delusion. I knew plenty of people who lived with barely a dollar to their name. And, they were better off for it. Oh, they made money with crops and crafts, but that was just to maintain things and pay the property taxes each year. That was it. They grew or made everything else. Why did that die out? Was it a good thing that it did? According to the wealthy, it sure is. As Honore` de Balzac said, "Behind every great fortune there is a crime." We all know what it takes to achieve that level of wealth. Yet, we seem to want to worship them for it. The majority of Congresspersons are millionaires or better. Yet, we want to talk about 'equality'? It is all a game. I cannot get behind that. I could care less about any of that. Which makes me anti-American to some folks. I find that hysterical. But, it also means that I do not belong here. This life is a waste and this society is not what I was looking forward to. When a job is done, one leaves. When one has no job to do, one leaves. Why this is such a 'horrible' thing is just confusing to me. It is time to leave. The vehicle situation is just the latest thing that not only shows me that I can do nothing about it, it shows me that I cannot even manage to handle it. My brain is ruined, my life is forfeit. I can do nothing but beg for help because I cannot help myself. And, that help should be used to get one back to being stable and productive. I cannot be helped back to that scenario. I cannot do anything anymore. Why bother continuing to exist?

I apologise for the new post, but I did not want to create a long meandering thread. If this breaks any rules, I am sorry. (A phrase that defines my life I am afraid.)
Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Thu Jan 27, 2022, 10:31 AM (11 replies)

This may be it

I may well be done. Things are a disaster here. I won't go into details, but my mate and myself are now trapped in hell with a recently purchased vehicle that has now screwed up. I cannot work, and now he cannot get anywhere to work. We are in Minnesota. There is no 'walking to work'. If you have no car, you are nothing here. Plus, we got tricked into moving to a very bad part of town. (By this I mean an upper middle class part. A place where only those with good income can live. A place that defines the decadence of this nation. So, we are in enemy territory, for all intents and purposes.) I am tired of trying to survive in a place that does not want me to. I am tired and horrified of seeing my husband's face as he sits deflated in his chair. I cannot do anything. I paid for decades into SS and they told me to kiss off. (Since I can still lift more than two fingers, I must be able to go out and dig ditches, right?) To quote Lou Mae Farmer: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is only one solution to this useless life. What is particularly upsetting is that this solution could be avoided if this country would stop with the global dick waving and start taking care of its citizens. But, there is no profit in helping people without massive fees, so no one will do it. No matter... only one person might miss me and he would be way better off with me gone.
Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Wed Jan 26, 2022, 09:24 AM (85 replies)

This song is beautiful.

To this day it affects me. Just the tune. Forget the goal of education, just listen to the song.

(If someone has already pointed this out, the apologies, but I wanted to share this one as it means a lot to me.)

Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Sun Jan 16, 2022, 12:54 AM (4 replies)

Eternals was decent

I can see why some may not like it, as the story is more about the characters than the FX. But, it was good.
Posted by OldBaldy1701E | Sun Jan 16, 2022, 12:47 AM (2 replies)
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