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Member since: Fri Oct 19, 2018, 07:49 PM
Number of posts: 1,312

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WTH! Another suicide in barely over a month.

I wrote that my 25-year old son committed suicide 1/27/2022. I am still reeling from overwhelming grief and GUILT I didnít know how much pain he was in. I didnít see the signs. I torture myself knowing he felt so worthless that the world be better off without him. He was the KINDEST person I know. A truly special kid who made it a point to ask me and his dad how we were doingóevery day. How could he think he was worthless?

Well, my daughter just texted me tonight that a teammate of hers committed suicide today. 23. Played on my daughterís team at college (donít want to give too many details to protect privacy)

This girl was super outgoing, an amazing athlete, seemed amazingly confident, and always looked out for the underdog (bench players) on the team. LAST person I would have considered to be contemplating suicide.

Our mental health care SUCKS. I am heartbroken. WTF are we doing?

Jamie Raskin MSNBC documentary "Love and the Constitution"--anyone know where to find a replay?

I posted earlier that my son committed suicide on 1/27. He was 25, just like Jamie Raskin's son. Many suggested I might find Jamie Raskin's book "Unthinkable" helpful so I finally ordered a copy (audible). Hearing how Jamie had actually sat down and watched TV with his son the night before he found his son dead from suicide, how Jamie kept tormenting himself with why he didn't see the signs, helped me to realize I'm not alone.

I've been blaming myself for not being more aware of making sure our family unit stayed tight-knit (eating dinner together every night, doing more trips together). Maybe that would have given my son a better sense of "safety" and helped him not feel so alone with his thoughts. But in reading the Raskin's family life, they were all extremely involved and very tight-knit. So maybe, just maybe, it truly was just my son's disease?

I saw a posting on twitter of a documentary MSNBC did with Jamie Raskin and his wife on their son's death, dealing with January 6th in the midst, etc. But I can't find a replay. Does anyone know where I can find this documentary?

My son committed suicide 1/27--he was 25 years old

I am in so much pain I can't breathe. My son was my firstborn and he was my rock. Perhaps I relied on him too much?

I can't get over the fact that my last conversation with him I relayed a bad argument his father and I had about money. It was a dumb argument and I should NEVER have burdened my son with the details. I of all people KNEW how he would internalize other people's feelings, emotions, and somehow blame himself. Worse, in my conversation with my son I told him that if his dad and I didn't get this resolved the only solution may be for us to get divorced. Not true--I was just mad--but this would have been something that would have weighed heavily on my already fragile son. Yes, I realized I didn't know how fragile he was but that doesn't matter---I was perhaps the proverbial straw.

Looking at receipts, etc. he had started planning his death over a month prior. He was just waiting for a reason, and I gave it to him. I will never forgive myself. I will never be the same. I don't know how to live with this pain.

I get people telling me "you need to be strong for your other two kids". Yes, I KNOW THAT. "It wasn't your fault". Really? How do YOU know? Then I get mad at my son as well, why didn't he come to me first? Then I get mad at myself again. I knew he was depressed and feeling a bit at loose ends due to COVID sort of short-circuiting his career plans (he graduated 4-year college during lockdown).

I was trying to gently guide him towards getting back on track, then he took his life using a toxic chemical combination (which he found all the instructions for on the internet, isn't that great?) his note was simply a warning to HAZMAT and also the words "I don't deserve to live".

EDIT/UPDATE: I don't know how to do a "reply all" but I'm reading through all the comments and they are so helpful. Particularly those who have suffered from depression themselves and are explaining to me that nothing I or anyone would have tried to do at the time would have helped because they hid their despair. Also those who have experienced a similar loss and felt similar feelings of guilt. I just stumbled across a video my husband made in 2005 when all 3 of our kids were little. Justin was smiling, happy, and it kills me in some ways to remember happier times. I want to go back there and never leave.

I'm also trying to find someone to facilitate his celebration of life and struggling to find the right person. Justin was not religious but was very accepting of EVERYONE. I hope I can find just the right person. I'm lost.

Anyway, THANK YOU everyone for your kind words, advice, understanding. My heart has been ripped out and I honestly don't know how people can survive this much pain.
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