April 27, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-13: There's A Rocket In My Pocket Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-13: There’s A Rocket In My Pocket Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooo! What’s up, Denver? It’s great to be back in Colorado. We made it out of France alive, and we are good to go! Can you believe that we only have 4 more Top 10s left in season 14? Damn time flies doesn’t it? But anyway we have some big things being planned for season 15 and we can’t wait to reveal them to you. Which we will do during one of our themed Best Of editions that will air during our time off in June. But as for the future of the Top 10 after season 15? Well we’re working on it. I honestly don’t know what we can say will happen beyond season 15, but we will keep you posted! And next week we’re in San Francisco for SF Sketch Fest! It has been a while since we have been there and we can’t wait to go back for more! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Anyway, is everyone watching the right wing melt down over a Budweiser commercial? Yeah we’ve been reporting this the last couple of weeks, but it’s getting to be quite ridiculous. We have a whole segment on “anti-woke” products for you later on in this edition, I might add! But the videos of people doing things to Budweiser cans is truly the stuff of insanity. I particularly like the multiple videos I’ve seen of people shooting cans and destroying the Budweiser cans that they already purchased. Yeah like in this vide, I count at least 10 ways this person could have shot herself, and I don’t even own a gun! Shit, I don’t know anything about the world of firearms, other than what we report on, and I know that you shouldn’t aim like that. So tired of dealing with stupid people! And the Budweiser boycott is getting insane. Anyone else find it ironic that these are the same people who scream about cancel culture in one breath, but in the next they are actively trying to cancel something because they don’t agree with it? Thank you Denver! OK I’m rambling again. That’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the collapse of the cryptocurrency market:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week, we have some breaking news and we can’t wait to tell you about it! It of course concerns the Dominion lawsuit against Fox (1), but did we think that it would result in the demise of the hottest show on that network? Hell no! In the second slot this week is our old buddy Elon Musk (2). Yes, the Tesla and Space X CEO launched another rocket into space that crashed within 5 minutes. But wait until you find out how much our government is subsidizing Space X! in the number 3 slot this week, is the reigning king of Florida Men, Ron DeSantis (3). So we’ve figured out there may be a method to his madness. His latest scheme involves some really horrible and grossly unpopular legislation surround how many votes are needed in order to administer the death penalty. But then he goes on conservative talk shows when nobody likes his ideas. Hmmm… sensing a pattern here. in the number 4 slot this week is the Fox News MAGA GQP Christian Taliban (4). The House passed a draconian bill that brings internet social media conspiracy theories to life with a flat out ban on trans athletes in sports, but as we've seen, it's not about sports or keeping women safe. And these laws will do far more harm than good! In the number 5 slot this week, you know, we’ve largely avoided discussing the controversy surrounding Alec Baldwin and the “Rust” tragedy (5) but now that nightmare is behind us, the gloves are coming off! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, we found out that Missouri passed a bill that would allow guns in churches. But they’re not the only state where this is being proposed, and we also found what might be the NRA’s dream scenario. Yeah we’re not letting you get away that easily! In the number 7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7) and after MAGA went berserk over Budwesier’s ad campaign with trans model / activist Dylan Mulvaney, we uncovered a whole slew of MAGA “anti-woke” products, and dear god, just make it stop already! In the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of our semi-weekly foray into the world of tin foil hat nuttery with Conspiracy Corner (8), and this week we have to talk about some of the batshit insanity unfolding on Lindell TV, mainly with a strange contest promising $5 million to prove his insane election theories – that he didn’t pay! Shocker, I know! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week, we have a new edition of “I Need A Drink”! So this week, you know the Terminator series has us all dreading the day that artificial intelligence becomes self aware and it will lead to the destruction of humanity? Well, that day may finally be here, at least in the music world because AI has been wreaking havoc on the music industry with everything from The Weeknd to Oasis to Joe Rogan being brought under the spell of AI. Yeah, we might be replaced too! Finally this week, it’s time for Stupidest State 2023 (10)! This week it’s Round 2 Week 3 which means that it’s the Batshit Conference Finals! Florida. Arizona. One of these two states will advance to the Final Four, the other goes home! Plus to cap things off, we have some live music from legendary bluesman Joe Bonamassa! Buy his new album “Tales Of Time” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Fox News

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This was seriously a banner week for conservative idiocy. Hell, we had ideas for entries that couldn’t even make the Top 10 this week and we’re going to have to save them for when we come back after our week off next week. Like Trump’s ridiculous NFT collection – phase 2! I mean look at it – this picture of him as Elvis cost $100. And you’ll make it back… In fake crypto money. But the biggest loser of all of them this week in particular has to be Fox News. Yes, last week, we reported that the “We Report, You Decide” network is in what some might call, to use technical terms, “some deep doo doo”. Yes, after their reporters cost them nearly $1 billion dollars in fines as a result of the Dominion lawsuit over the 2020 election results, the hits just keep coming. And the Smartmatic suit hasn’t even begun yet! But now come the layoffs and firings. And only in the conservative MAGA world can the concept of failing upward be a thing. Hell, Trump failed upward so much that people wanted him to be president. Just… ugh. Well, anyway Fox News is finally paying the price for their lies.





Uh oh! Someone at Fox has an independent thought! Better sound the alarm, the cult doesn’t like that, not one bit! But you know the old saying – play stupid games, win stupid prizes! Well, because of their repeated lies about the results of the 2020 election, Fox has begun “the purge”. Jeannie Pirro got fired, Maria Baritromo got fired. Several Fox producers got fired. And then on Monday – the big one finally happened. That’s right – the guy everyone loves to hate, with one facial expression, our man Tucker Carlson, finally got fired. Yeah WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! We got him, everybody! Does that mean we can finally get rid of the Tucker reaction cam? No, we don’t need it! really!







Oh come on, stop it! We don’t need the Tucker reaction camera anymore! Well, I got to say that the sheer meltdown coming from the MAGAs has been quite spectacular to watch. I’ve always said that if there’s one group of people who could put Fox News out of business, it’s their own fanbase. Fox of course is the glue that holds the GOP together. GOP representatives can’t stop going on their programming. Like Ron Desantis and Marjorie Greene. But the speculation as to why Tucker Carlson got fired has been rampant and there is a metric fuck ton of misinformation out there. The truth is a bit more disturbing.





Yeah, so maybe, I don’t know, use the C word repeatedly when you talk about your boss behind closed doors? Just throwing that out there. And by the way, we’re not the only ones who are cheering hard at Tucker’s departure from Fox. It’s insane to think that this firing has split the internet right down the middle. There’s people like Kari Lake who were saying that God needs Tucker’s voice, while others like MAGA preacher Shane Vaughn said that firing Tucker is an attack on God. Holy shit, slow down the hyperbole there. And no, we don’t need the Tucker reaction cam. But you know who’s cheering the departure of Carlson the most? The military. That’s right. The US military is glad he’s gone! But for now, Tucker, we bid you adieu!






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk

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You know, I think that we need to hold an intervention for our old buddy Elon Musk. Yeah know him as the CEO of Tesla, Space X, and the guy who took over Twitter the same way that Ultron took over Jarvis in Avengers: Age Of Ultron. And is basically destroying the platform as we know it in the process. But this isn’t about that. This is about that company that’s attempting to privatize space travel and exploration, Space X. So remember a long time ago we talked about when Space X launched that Tesla roadster into space as a publicity stunt (see: Idiots #4-15 ). Well it seems in the 4 years since then, things at Space X have taken a completely ridiculous turn in the exact opposite direction of where they were going in 2018. And it’s all because the guy who is the head boss of Space X has the humor of a 12 year old. Yeah , isn’t it great to see that one of the richest men on the planet has the humor of someone who’s just figuring out what 420 means? That’s like comedy 101. I mean come on, someone needs to put down the bong and back away from the computer very slowly. And I’m sure there’s no coincidence that the rocket is 69 meters tall and spells 420 on purpose. I mean can it? But this is one of those things that just has me shaking my damn head. It really makes me wonder why anyone still works for him.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Yes, there’s a rocket in my pocket. And I can also picture Elon as a Dr. Seuss character too! But yes, Elon’s latest disaster just goes to prove that Space X isn’t quite ready for prime time. And this is absolutely disaster capitalism at its’ finest. I mean come on, aren’t you glad you saw how well Elon’s handling Tesla, or Twitter, and now we can add Space X to the mix. And I love Elon’s response to this whole thing – “It’s not good.”. Well fucking duh!!!! Of course it ain’t good! Someone died and there’s tons of debris raining down everywhere like it’s the end of the movie Independence Day. Yeah, remember when Randy Quaid only played characters like that? And now I guess Elon kind of is a character like that.





Yeah would you really trust Space X to send you to the moon? I mean, it wouldn’t be too far out of the current reality to picture Elon sending someone like Homer Simpson into space. Maybe they could send me! I mean I’m just the host of a comedy news program. But you know, this is one of those classic cause and effect things that we always talk about on this show. You might be wondering why Elon chose to launch the rocket on 4/20. Which we say… why not? It’s Elon, does he really have any rhyme or reason as to anything he does lately? I don’t know what brand of weed Elon’s smoking, but he’s got to be smoking some pretty powerful shit.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Great movie! And Elon’s love of weed combined with his love of right wing conspiracy theories may be costing him big time. Gee, you think maybe it’s a bad idea to hang around neo Nazis? Of course it is. It must be nice to have and generate so much money that you can lose $12 billion like you’re losing the change that’s left in your car’s center console. Seriously, think about it – this little stunt cost him $12 billion dollars. I will repeat that. 12 billion dollars. Come on, when you can lose $12 billion dollars just like that, you deserve to be taxed. It’s way past time to end the free ride for the Jeff Bezos, Richard Bransons, and Elon Musks of the world.






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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis [br] [/font] [br]

Boy, the reigning king of Florida Men, Ron DeSantis (Q – Batshit) really seems hell bent on taking a flame thrower to what’s left of Florida, doesn’t he? And it’s all because of this whole “anti-woke” crusade that the GOP has been going on since MAGA lost the 2020 election. It’s no secret that the Fox News MAGA GQP Taliban loves them some death. They can’t get enough of it. I mean come on, this is a party that wanted to murder half of Congress and their own sitting vice president. So guess what they naturally want for the Sunshine State. They want to lower the minimum requirements for a jury to vote on whether or not to administer the death penalty. That’s right. Don’t boo just yet. But because of this, a whole lot of people are going to die. And they’re not just going to die, they’re going to be executed, and probably without appeal either. This is one of the most shocking, stunning pieces of pure evil that one of the most evil governors in the country has passed.





Yeah this is pure, unaltered fucking evil. The fact that any jury could enact the death penalty regardless of whether or not they have the votes is basically just going pure Nazi at this point. And the nerve to frame it around the Parkland shooting, one of the most horrible mass shootings in America since Columbine, is just more proof of how low the GOP will sink. There’s no bottom for them. They don’t have that light that goes off that says “HEY! This might be a bad fucking idea!”. Imagine what this could do if this guy gets in the White House. Holy shit.





Yeah hooooooooooooooooooooooly shit. Basically this means that a judge could override the jury and recommend the death penalty himself. He’d literally be judge, jury, and executioner in this case. This is a stunning, unprecedented level of evil here. So who can we expect to die under this new piece of legislation that was just passed? Well, there it is folks! 301 editions and that’s the single most morbid question we’ve ever asked! Huzzahs are in order! Well let’s consider this case out of the town of Hillsborough. Where the main suspect in a murder is on trial and the implications could mean the death penalty. Now under a 8 – 4 jury or a judge’s override, that could pretty much mean instant death. OMG I just about spit out my coffee with that one!





Oh no! You’re in Texas! I think Florida may have just now beat Texas as the most death penalty friendly state in the country! The GOP is just so hell bent on taking us so damn backwards that it’s really, truly, seriously scary. People have fought and died against some of the insane laws that the GOP is currently proposing. And if you think they’re not stopping at non-unanimous juries, oh no my friends. They are going all the way. And you know that the Supreme Court is now stacked 6 – 3 in favor of the Fox News MAGA GQP Fundamentalist Christian Taliban, you know they’ll approve this case with a unanimous vote, because, Jesus… I guess? Sigh… SMDH. These people are truly off their rocker.






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[font size="8"]The Fox News MAGA GQP Christian Taliban

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We’ve been talking a lot lately about the right wing’s increasingly evil and flat out draconian war on trans people based on baseless internet conspiracy theories. And even worse is their non stop obsession with trans people (mostly male to female) playing in sports. They cannot stop talking about it. I personally blame Fox News and Tucker Carlson for giving that Libsoftiktok psychopath a platform to spew bile and garbage. But there’s definitely more to it than that. But see this is exactly why we say elections matter. And it doesn’t matter what level of election either. Doesn’t matter if it’s the House of Representatives, the Senate, the mayor, the governor, or even your local school board. When you don’t vote for these offices, they win. But this is what happens when the cult wins – they don’t do anything but pass baseless internet conspiracy nonsense. And this is why I say thank god that the Democrats control the senate and the White House, because this horrible, and extremely Nazi-esque piece of legislation isn’t going anywhere, and will basically exist to provide cannon fodder for the cult in future elections. Sigh… I can’t even.





What? No! This isn’t a great day for America. It’s a fucking embarrassing day for America! This legislation is pure hatred formed in the darkest corners of the internet. Pieces of shit like Alex Jones and that libsoftiktok psychopath and Marjorie Shit For Brains are the ones that brought this craziness on us. This is an absolute fuck you to all trans people and that’s about it. Just… good god, this House is an absolute embarrassment. This wasn’t a victory for America or women in sports. This was a victory for the Fox News MAGA GQP Christian Taliban conspiracy theory bullshit peddlers, and that’s about it. Well, the House isn’t the only place where this Nazi bullshit is happening either. Kansas and North Carolina also proposed similar bills.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This just gets worse the more you dig into it, and I don’t see it getting better any time soon. As long as the propaganda is out there, the hate will continue and it will get worse before it gets any better. And it seems to get more evil depending on which state you live in. Take a look at this legislation being passed in Texas that could effectively end all gender affirming care, for all adults, not just kids. This is the insane thing, they’re using children as a scapegoat to distract the real evil that they plan to enact on this country. The GOP has gone so far off the deep end that they’re currently circulating the bottom of the Marianus Trench!





Yeah seriously, where are those guys when you need them? The good news is that people are starting to fight back against the damage that the Fox News MAGA GQP Christian Taliban is doing to this country over baseless internet conspiracy theories. Even Joe Biden has proposed bills that would stop some of these policies from being enacted. But check out what’s happening in Nebraska where Gov. Pillen accidentally got some people with independent thoughts on his show. Can’t have that. The cult doesn’t like that. The damage may have been done, but it can be reversed. We’ve got a long way to go before that happens.






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[font size="8"]Alec Baldwin Rust Trial
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Before we go any further, I want to preface by saying that it’s been a long standing Top 10 policy that we don’t make fun of people or events that are too horrifying to make fun of. Which is why we’ve largely avoided talking about the debacle surrounding the 2021 shooting on the set of the Alec Baldwin western flick “Rust”. Regardless of how you feel about Alec Baldwin as a person, we can all agree that no one should have go through the kind of hate and harassment that he did. Nearly all of it came from Fox News, social media trolls, and MAGA conspiracy theory podcasts. And it was all because he played Trump on Saturday Night Live. You know, Saturday Night Live has made fun of presidents and current events since its’ inception. Whether it was Will Ferrell as George Bush, or Dan Akroyd as Richard Nixon, or Darrell Hammond as Jimmy Carter, the list goes on. Hell, even Dennis Miller played George Washington in a sketch. What? Too soon? That was, until our 45th president came along, a guy who has an ego more fragile than an arctic ice shelf. But this isn’t about him. And now that the trial has finally reached a verdict, and we’re happy to report that it’s a not guilty one, the kid gloves are coming off! Yeah so here’s what happened.





Yeah wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Seriously, we feel bad for Alec because it’s been what might be the 18 months of his entire life. Well this may have escalated because one of the conspiracy theories that was being spread among right wing social media circles was that he used an “enhanced gun”. Which, there’s no such thing. At least what we’re aware of. But this entire incident was, what one might call a “clusterfuck”. And the more you dig into this story, the weirder it gets. It seems like there was a conspiracy on the set of Rust and Alec Baldwin may have not been the only target.





And by the way, remember that thing that we said about “gun enhancement charges” being 100% bullshit? Well guess what? They are! Even the prosecutor admits this. Which makes us believe that the charges against Mr. Baldwin were more than a mere shooting charge. It was a political hit job and a conspiracy. The thing is the MAGAs were out to get Alec Baldwin for his comic portrayal of that guy who we inexplicably used to call president. Like we said earlier in this piece, Saturday Night Live has consistently made fun of US presidents both past and present. Except for one, because he doesn’t understand the concept of satire and couldn’t take a joke.





Oh and speaking of a good idea that went horribly wrong, remember when the GOP brought in a special prosecutor to see that Baldwin went to jail? Well, even he dropped out of the trial after learning that it was pure, grade A bullshit. And we’re not at all surprised that this was a not guilty verdict. Because there’s no mistake that it was a political hit job, and you can’t keep a MAGA from interfering with something and doing something stupid. But yeah, I’m sure just like Alec, we’re all glad that we can put this ugly chapter behind us and move on. And it really proved just how dangerous the right wing conspiracy theory podcast sphere can be.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Guns In Church
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I knew that it was only a matter of time before the Christian right started combining their favorite vices. Their two biggest vices of course are church and guns. Now if they could find some way to add making babies to that mix, that would be the ultimate unholy trinity. Oh yeah there was that. Churches have been traditionally gun free zones since the 1700s. But not in the 2020s. Let’s give everyone guns and have no rules to enforce them. What could possibly go wrong? Well, everything could possibly go wrong. Because these are people who are not in their right minds. These are people who do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS. They worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name *DARE NOT* be spoken in my church! Well, it was brought to my attention recently the first such law being proposed in Missouri that would allow guns in church. Yeah what could possibly go wrong there?





Yeah so Missouri wants to allow guns in church. But they aren’t the only ones, either! And don’t think that anyone is safe, either! Because if you think you’re safe from gun laws, you’re not! Oh no, my fair congregation! Let’s take a look at New York, where they actually had a ban on guns in church for years and years… up until last year. When a judge who was appointed by the unholy Dark One, overturned the law. Because, you know, shall not be infringed. Yes, society could end this if we want to, but half of the country refuses to listen to the other half, and it’s making things that much worse.





This is the problem with guns. Is that the GOP wants everyone to have guns, and no rules to enforce use of them. So what could possibly go wrong? Well, we will get to that in a minute. But like we said, nowhere in the country is safe from these lunatics who worship the unholy Dark One. In fact they seem bent on taking us backwards. See, look, their GAWD is the Dark One, but their false idol is the firearm, and they worship the hell out of the firearm. And the redder and more rural your state is, the more likely you are to combine your favorite vices. That’s exactly what the MAGA Q Taliban are doing in these states and more.





Now you might be wondering “why churches”? Well, I answer you, good sir or madam with another question – why not? The 2nd amendment is the reason why this country can’t have nice things, and the NRA is taking this country so far backwards, undoing years and years of progress. For what? Some kind of wild west scenario? Yeah that’s exactly what they want. In fact, we found out the NRA’s dream scenario in which a “good guy with a gun” actually stops a “bad guy with a gun”. But you know what the commonality in all of this is? The gun. Which is why, once again, we can’t have nice things.





Yeah that pretty much sums it up! “Pride goeth before destruction”, and these are a people who seem like they’re OK with offing themselves in a fiery blaze of glory! We don’t see this getting better any time soon and will probably get worse. Enjoy the showdown at the holy OK Corral, folks! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Anti-Woke Products
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Can I just say it already? This shit is getting fucking old. It seems like there’s a new conservative temper tantrum over advertising every single week. First it was the NFL. Then it was Keurigs. Then it was Oreos. Then it was M&Ms. Oh yeah, Tucker Carlson may not work at Fox anymore, but we’re not letting him see the end of that clip. Then it was Budwesier. Now it’s Jack Daniels. What’s left? Do they just sit and stare at blank walls and drink tap water and eat stale bread? That’s no way to live. So now how are conservatives responding to advertising that doesn’t cater directly to straight white alpha males and females? Easy, they’re starting their own companies, with their own products with blackjack and hookers. On second thought, forget about the products. In fact there’s even a whole anti-woke alternative to Amazon being proposed, complete with every thing from anti-woke toothpaste to anti-woke diapers. Yes, apparently super creepy Q lunatics are going after Pampers now. But this whole thing is truly the stuff of insanity.





Yeah that’s the future if this kind of thing starts getting traction. But is it really? I mean outside of idiots on Fox News, do you see anyone actually destroying their products? Yeah people talk a lot of shit that they actually think they’re going to put a dent into a multi-billion dollar, multi-international company that makes several billion on their quarterly profits, but you might make a small fraction of a dent in them. But the thing is, it’s all about dollar, dollar bills y’all. Like people talk shit about destroying Budweiser and affiliated products, but at the end of the day, they’ll still kick back and enjoy a nice tall beer. Don’t tell them that 3 companies control like 200 different brands!





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! But hey, those beers ain’t free! In fact the hilarious thing about the current conservative MAGA buzzword is that if you go woke, you go broke. Actually it’s more the opposite, if you go anti-woke, you go broke! Because here’s the thing – Budweiser is cheap. You can get a 36 pack of Budweiser at your local Costco for $36. If you buy a six pack of this new anti-woke beer, it will cost you… $35. Yes, that’s right - $35 for a beer that’s probably worse than Budweiser! Which would be great if they could actually get a producer to manufacture this beer. Yeah it seems like this isn’t a popular idea. Which means either this guy’s a con artist or a troll. We’re hoping troll.





Oh that Homer! Well, here’s the other thing that the MAGAs don’t seem to get about their 10,000,000,000 boycotts – it doesn’t quite work if you buy their products. Yeah, we get that these videos are mad e with the idea of getting likes from other conservatives and attempting to rile up the other side. But here’s the other thing that MAGAs don’t seem to get about their 10,000,000,000 boycotts – we’re not “triggered”. In fact, we’re actually laughing at you because of how utterly ridiculous you look. So while you’re getting your underwear in a wad over yet another stupid commercial that nobody else seems to care about, the executives are the ones laughing all the way to the bank and playing you for the chumps that you are.








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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Well, folks, unless you’re holed up in a basement bunker like me and have been spending way too much time watching Lindell TV, you’re missing out on some of the best comedy on the internet. Because the thing is, you know that old saying about how you can’t teach a old dog new tricks, right? Well, how about teaching a dog to lie and lie and lie about whether or not someone actually won an election or not? Well, what happened is Lindell TV made a contest where people could submit proof of election claims, and then didn’t pay the winner. I’m shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not that shocked.





That is a good question, we still don’t know the answer! But seriously, you got to wonder who in their right mind would take this shit seriously? But if you delve into recent history, this isn’t the first time Mike Lindell has shot his mouth off and got himself in trouble. In fact, he has a long, very long history of doing this. And all they do is sue people. Like it’s insane how many lawsuits the right wing has filed in the last 2 years, and most of them go nowhere. It’s just designed to get a rise out of people, and that’s about it. It’s got to suck being a judge these days, having to deal with these idiots on a constant, daily basis. Yeah there’s more.





But here’s the thing – Fox is, like it or not, a legitimate media outlet. Lindell TV is a social media conspiracy theory website. Yeah, can you imagine where the republican party would be without the frivolous lawsuit? Oh my god, yeah it would be like that! And we still have to wonder who it is that actually watches this shit 24 hours a day. And we’re not counting left wing bloggers who get paid to monitor right wing content and talking points. But imagine how fucked up it would be if you had that many lawsuits going that you have your lawyers on speed dial. Yeah… think about it! But the right wing, the only thing they know is the frivolous lawsuit, and this is from a group that claims to hate trial lawyers.





Imagine how fucked up it is when you’re about to say something stupid and get cut off by your attorney mid-sentence! But here’s the thing – Mikey just can’t help himself saying something stupid. Watching Lindell TV is like watching a train wreck – you don’t want to stare, but at the same time, you can’t look away either. It’s like that scene from the Simpsons where the entire nuclear plant is watching Homer, just anticipating that he’s going to say or do something stupid. But I have to say that it is fun watching the GOP turn on each other, and we’re here for every minute of the circular firing squad. Come on now, ready! Aim! Pull!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now, the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks and while we are drinking we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because mixing booze and political discussions *NEVER* ends well. And hey, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too. Just grab your favorite coffee or Monster and get wired with us! Well, this week, we have to talk about artificial intelligence. Because, if The Terminator has taught us anything, you know that the day will come when AI becomes self aware and that’s the end of humanity as we know it. Well, this week, we have to talk about AI in music. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a song about AI music? An AI cocktail? What’s in that? That sounds like a drink generated by Chat GPT. Eh, I’ll just take my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it “the Double Jack”. Or maybe Jack Squared. But anyway, AI is reaching new extremes daily. Everyone from the Weeknd to Oasis has been the subject of AI bots recreating their music. But lately there’s a viral song going around the internet that claims to be by Drake and The Weeknd that has music producers around the world just a bit nervous about what could be the end result of AI meddling in music.





I don’t think that wine glass is big enough! Holy shit, that is insane. This is what the Terminator was warning us about – artificial intelligence will eventually become self aware, and when it does, it’s the end of humanity. Skynet, people! And by the way, this experiment was designed to see if a hit song could be generated by AI. And in the amount of time it took to get a million hits, it was pulled from all of the major streaming services. Seriously, here’s how realistic the song is – it fooled even actual hip hop producers like Meek Mill. So if actual hip hop producers could be fooled, what hope is there for the rest of us?





Now you might be asking “yeah, you can use AI to fake a hip hop song, but how is this going to translate to rock music?”. Well… guess what? We got you covered there, too. Because apparently someone was feeding an AI generator songs by Liam Gallagher and Noel Gallagher – you know them as the dueling brothers of the iconic British rock group Oasis, and asked them to generate an entire fucking album of AI generated Oasis songs. Now come on! They’re just fucking with us at this point. I mean what’s next – a new Rage Against The Machine album? Come on, System Of A Down hasn’t released a new album since 2005. How do we know that new Taylor Swift music isn’t being generated by AI? Come on, you don’t know! I guess that the sky’s the limit, here?





So now that begs the question – who gets paid in the world of AI music? It seems that the cat has been let out of the bag. This experiment has taught us that even if artificial intelligence becomes self aware, that means that we need to be even more self aware. Because this could be used for some serious evil as well as wreaking havoc on the entire industry. Someone, somewhere is going to go too far, and someone is going to get hurt as a result. But in the event that happens, we need to be ready for it, and make sure that the right people get the credit.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Wow folks, can you believe we’re almost done with Round 2? And I don’t mean to tell you that last week was an absolute nail biter! It went into double overtime with the score tied at 75 between Missouri and Montana. But then this happened: Oh my god! Missouri has the ball! For three! YES! Now a foul has been called. First one in – it’s good! Second one – YES! And that will do it folks, Missouri has won the Gun Nut Conference! Final score: 81 – 75! This week, it’s the Batshit Conference Finals! We have juggernaut Florida, ranked the best team during the regular season, going up against red hot Arizona for the title! We’re live at the home of the Washington Capitols, the Capitol One Arena in Washington, DC for all the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference Finals: Florida Vs Arizona [/font]

[font size="2"]Florida [/font]


The Sunshine State needs no credentials as to why they are one of the most popular states in our annual contest. But under governor Ron DeSantis, they seem to have reached unprecedented new heights of conservative idiocy. And that’s really what this is all about, isn’t it? In fact if Florida does indeed become the 2023 Stupidest State, we may have to rename our trophy. Because they’re that fucking stupid. In fact we may have found the origins of creepy clowns and where everyone’s fear of clowns may have come from – you guessed it! The Sunshine State! And why are we not at all surprised? Well this is one of the reasons why Florida will always remain crazy.





Yeah you wonder why people are afraid of clowns or answering their doors. But murderous clowns aside, there’s plenty of reasons why Florida keeps reaching the top of the Batshit Conference year after year. Like take for instance the sheer insanity surrounding the right wing’s boycott of Budweiser over their partnership with transgender Tik Tok influencer Dylan Mulvaney. It’s the stuff of sheer insanity and the fact that the right wing keeps painting themselves as the victim just shows how far off the deep end they’ve really gone. Well, take for instance the owner of a restaurant in Orland called “Grills” who has said that this has been the hardest two weeks of their life. Excuse me while I go find the world’s tiniest violin.





Oh fuck off! God’s will is not your bigotry. There aren’t enough facepalms for that one. You might be wondering why we’re not talking much about Ron DeSantis. Well, there’s plenty of that going around right now, and we’ve covered him elsewhere. He’s giving us plenty of material, believe me. Well, this might be the most Florida story to end all Florida stories. A judge in Florida denied a teenage girl access to an abortion because – wait for it – she had bad grades. And now this guy is a nominee for Florida’s top court. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with that state?





[font size="2"]Arizona [/font]


The Grand Canyon State shocked the United States and most of the world as it has been famously the red desert for so long. But it went blue in 2020 and even bluer in 2022. But why is it still so chock full of some absolute batshit insanity? Well here’s how fucked up Arizona is, and they still have a long way to go to root out most of the crazy people who still populate the state and local legislatures. Arizona leads the United States in the most vetoes per capita. Because right wingers are still addicted to the social media misinformation sphere, and they are trying to make internet conspiracy theories public policy, but this is why we say elections matter! Stop voting for conspiracy theorists!





I know, right? I feel like the wall and the desk are winning. Oh yeah and election denial and conspiracy theories are strong in Arizona. Election denial is a very profitable business to be in. Just ask 2022 gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake, who, oh yeah LOST! Well, there’s Cochise County, which has been at the center of Arizona’s history of election denial in the last 10 years, and especially the last 3. This is one of those things that you just should not do under any circumstances. I mean how stupid do you have to be to put an election denying conspiracy theorist in charge of elections? Just give the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet.





Yeah these guys have a lot of useless empty brains! So we’ve often been asking what are they putting in the water supply to make everyone turn crazy? Well, Arizona might have the answer. Because there’s apparently a mysterious orange liquid in the waters near Prescott, which of course I don’t need to tell you is very close to Maricopa County. Which has been the home of one of the world’s worst and most corrupt sheriffs of all time – Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Come on, guys. Clean up and filter your water supply, maybe it might clear your heads!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh man did we even need to have this one? Florida is ahead by 18 going into the last minute of the game here… for three… YES! And here comes another dunk… YES! Florida up by a whopping score of 23 with the final seconds left… and that’s all she wrote, folks! Final score: 104 – 81! Florida is advancing to the Final Four for the first time since their championship run in 2020, they are celebrating on the court! Cut that net guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

We have to take a short break next week, but when we come back, it’s Round 2 Week 4 which means that it’s the Family Values Conference finals! Tennessee vs Utah! One of these two states will advance to play Missouri in the Final Four! We’re live at the home of the Philadelphia Flyers, the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, PA for all the exciting action! Be sure to follow the Top 10 on Mastodon at Top10ConIdiots @mstdn.party for updates and brackets!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Joe Bonamassa[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of the biggest names in contemporary blues. You can see him live at Red Rocks Amphitheater on August 6th and at the Hollywood Bowl August 9th. Playing his song “Mind’s Eye” from his new live album “Tales Of Time”, give it up for the man, the myth, the legend – Joe Bonamassa!



Thank you Denver! We’re taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on May 11th live from San Francisco Sketch Fest with live music from the legendary NOFX and the famous Wheel Of Corruption!

See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Joe Bonamassa Appears Courtesy Of: J&R Adventures
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Ogden Theater, Denver, CO
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon At: [email protected]
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: [email protected]


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 20, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-12: The Top 10 Conservative Idiots 300th Edition Special

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-12: The Top 10 Conservative Idiots 300th Edition Special Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Bonjour, Paris! We made it! We are here! Can you believe that it’s been 300 editions since we started this thing? I know, time flies doesn’t it? We’ve come a long way since then, and the 2024 election hasn’t even started yet! We didn’t expect to last this long either! So you might be asking “why Paris?” and we answer “why not?”. Well when we started planning this edition back at the beginning of the season, we wanted to do a clip / highlight show, but we already did that in our 5th anniversary special (see: Idiots #11-15 ). But then we remembered how much fun we had when we went to London (see: Idiots #5-23 ) and we decided that we wanted to do another one of these editions, so we came here! And man we picked the right time to visit, didn’t we? You guys know how to stage a fucking protest! American protests are like “We have to get a permit and we can only protest between 9:00 AM and 5:00 PM, the same time the banks close, because we don’t want to get stuck in traffic!”. French protests are like “Let’s burn this motherfucker down to the ground!”. Which, being from Los Angeles, we refer to that here as “Lakers championship celebration”. Because, you know, priorities, right? If only people put as much effort as they do in a sports championship win as they do people getting shot or televangelists making billions and not paying anything in taxes. Hey at least you guys have retirement! In the US, our retirement is “work until you drop dead as a Wal-Mart greeter”. By the way before we go any further, we do want to point out how we arrived at 300:

Season 1 – 47
Season 2 – 24
Season 3 – 27
Season 4 – 19
Season 5 – 24
Season 6 – 19
Season 7 – 23
Season 8 – 19
Season 9 – 19
Season 10 – 16
Season 11 – 17
Season 12 – 16
Season 13 – 18
Season 14 – 12

Total: 300

And I also want to point out that we’ve only had to cancel 3 editions the entire time we’ve been doing this, but we do count those as official editions because we had material written for them but published it in Best Of Editions. OK! That’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to today! But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of farming with a hilarious take on the game Farmville:



So where do we begin for our 300th edition special? By talking about our host country for starters! In the number one slot this week is the French Protests(1). That’s right, Emmanuel Macron is taking some heat (both literally and figuratively) over raising the retirement age from 65 to 67 and the good people of France aren’t taking this shit sitting down, they’re taking it to the streets! In the second slot this week is the Mystery Trump Classified Document Leaker (2). And if you can guess, the right wing has their underwear in a wad because he’s a young, white, conservative Christian male who posted racist memes on a gaming chatroom, and of course the usual group is playing identity politics. Sigh. In the number three slot is the tyrannical governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis (3). Yes, the reigning king of Florida Men is going full tyrant on America’s abortion issue, and this latest piece of legislation that just passed is the stuff of pure fucking evil. Speaking of evil, in the 4th slot is that most American of institutions called the National Rifle Association (4). Yes, the NRA held its’ annual convention last week, and while mass shootings and fears of mass shootings are at an all time high, the annual gun convention rah rah rally was the stuff of sheer insanity! In the fifth slot this week is Fox News (5). The “We Report, You Decide” network is taking some heat for the Dominion lawsuit, which is starting any day now and could potentially have some serious consequences for the network! Taking the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our pastor has been digging up some dirt on the right wing extremist protest group called Moms For Liberty, and if they come to your city, you should automatically assume that they are up to no good! In the number 7 slot this week, we profile Clarence Thomas’ billionaire Nazi sugar daddy Harlan Crow (7) in a new edition of This Fucking Guy! Taking the 8th slot this week is a new edition of our semi-weekly foray into the ever-evolving world of tin foil hat nuttery with Conspiracy Corner (8)! So the right wing has a Fox News addiction, and right wing celebrities have been spouting some insane theories on Tucker Carlson last week ranging from batshit crazy to full blown Q Anon horseshit! Where does it end? Who knows! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new I Need A Drink – and the right wing has been praising the Super Mario Bros movie for being the opposite of Disney, while a right wing brewery has a plan to combat the recent Bud Light controversy! Finally this week, it’s time for Stupidest State 2023 (10)! This week it’s Round 2 Week 2 which means that it’s the Gun Nut Conference! Missouri. Montana. One of these two teams will advance to the Final Four! We’re live at the home of the Florida Panthers, the FTX Arena in Miami, Florida for all the exciting action! Plus to cap things off, can I reveal the big musical guest that we have planned for today? Yes, the rumors are true – that band is the Red Hot Chili Peppers! Yay!!!! Buy their new album “Return Of The Dream Canteen” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The French Riots
[br] [/font] [br]

Boy, we picked the right time to visit France, didn’t we? You know it’s our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots that we point out that conservative idiocy isn’t just a uniquely American problem. No, it’s a global problem that reaches worldwide, and conservatives in every country fuck up and ruin everything they touch. Now I know I shouldn’t be too hard on Emmanuel Macron, because if he leaves, you guys are stuck with Putin’s BFF, far right white supremacist Marine La Pen. Yeah so there is that. But let’s contrast America and France for a minute. You guys get retirement. Here in America, our retirement age is “what retirement?”. You’ll be lucky to drop dead as a Wal-Mart greeter when you’re 92, if you live that long. Thanks to the people who call themselves “pro life”. As we learned in Canada, during that insane trucker protest (see: Idiots #12-5 ), far right protestors are the same wherever you go. In France? They’re no different, as the latest news would suggest.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Just raising the retirement age by two years could have a significant impact on workers. Here’s the thing – these laws are grossly unpopular. Nobody likes anything that is being proposed, whether you’re in the United States or France or England. Right wing and far right wing legislation will never win. But the thing is, Macron can’t run from this, it will haunt him in the next election. Yeah he’ll be like the John Wick of world leaders. Tick tock, Mr. Macron. Tick tock!





No time to dilly dally, Mr. Macron! There’s no mistake that this is a colossal fuck up and probably won’t win Mr. Macron any new converts or voters. But the damage is definitely done. Will it cost Macron the upcoming election? Probably. Hopefully you guys won’t get stuck with Marine La Pen, which is what this exercise was designed to do. But here’s the really fucked up thing – you know that he knows that this legislation is extremely unpopular. So why did he do it? I would say the answer is because “fuck you, that’s why” but I’m sure that there’s a lot more to it than that. This guy knows what I’m talking about!





That’s kind of what it’s like right now, both in France and America. These laws are being passed not because they are doing what’s right – in fact it’s wrong on every single level. But they’re doing this out of fear of keeping their jobs because they’ll be slammed by the right wing conspiracy theory propaganda machine if they don’t. But come on, do we really need a French Spiderman climbing the Eiffel Tower in order to protest the raising of the retirement age? Oh who am I kidding? Of course we do! Because this is the age of the internet and we truly do live in strange times. Well, like most things in America and France, expect this to get worse before it gets better!






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[font size="8"]The Trump Mystery Classified Document Reader
[br] [/font] [br]

I’ll never understand how we went, in the United States Of America, from Barack Obama – who arguably was one of the best presidents we’ve ever had, to Donald J. Trump, who is one of the worst we’ve ever had. I mean besides that Fox News definitely helped in that. Well, for those of you who are new to our program, let me explain something to you. The GOP, especially under Trump, has had a bit of a cult-like mentality among them. And it seems like those who suck up to Dear Leader the most are the ones who get rewarded the most. Now look, I love a good stupid criminal story. Hell, one of our regular features is called “People Are Dumb”. And this might be one of the stupidest criminals I’ve ever seen. I mean come on, conservatives can’t say that both sides do this kind of thing. There’s only one side that gets away with this shit, and we’re not the ones who are posting racist memes on a gaming chatroom. Yeah we’ll get to that in a minute. But this is really the stuff of insanity.





Yeah seriously, what the actual fuck??? You don’t post information about classified documents on fucking Discord! Seriously, remember when Matt Gaetz used Cash App to solicit prostitutes? It’s that level of fucking stupid. Thank you, Paris! But this is one of those stories that we say is like peeling an onion – the more layers you peel back, the more it stinks and the more likely you are to cry as a result, and this story stinks a lot. In fact there’s something that the Pentagon isn’t telling us about this guy and how he was able to obtain these documents. But we do live in the day and age of the internet, and we’ll find this out eventually.





Thug Shaker Central? That sounds like either a really terrible name for a Soundcloud rap group, or it could also be the latest superhero team from Marvel. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! And by the way why am I not surprised in the least that the usual group of idiots is banning together to defend this dumbass? Yes, Marjorie Three Names, I’m looking at you. The other thing I’ve noticed about the MAGA crowd is that these are people who say that we shouldn’t play identity politics, while they play identity politics! No, Marjorie, I don’t care that this guy is a white, Christian male. I give a fuck that he posted classified secrets and racist memes on Discord! Ugh… I’m tired of these morons!





Seriously, it’s like she sits around all day thinking of ways to intentionally piss people off. No, you don’t add more guns to a gun problem. No, you don’t defend mass murders. No, you don’t make insane internet conspiracy theories about trans people law. And yes, these are all real tweets of hers in the last 3 days. This woman is an absolute menace, and she’s truly awful and vile on every level, and she’s proud of her awfulness and vileness. Which makes her dangerous. At least the rest of the GOP is finally telling her to sit down and shut up. Maybe this could actually work for once. Oh wait, she’ll go on Steve Bannon and barf her brains to someone who cares.






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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
[br] [/font] [br]

So the bony king of Florida Men, Ron DeSantis, is hard at work giving us a preview of what Hitler 2.0: Hitler Harder is going to look like. A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Coming this summer! Hitler 2.0: Hitler Harder! You ain’t seen nothing yet! You know what they say that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. So Desantis knows that the legislation he’s passing is grossly unpopular on multiple levels. And it’s not just Fox News viewers, either. We’ve had it with this brand of authoritarian fascism and it needs to end now. For our foreign friends, how it’s been working is that Desantis works at night – signing bills that are unpopular to his very white nationalist audience. Then he retreats to places where he’s loved like Fox News and internet call in talk shows. This pattern is becoming a thing among right wing authoritarians. They are addicted to Fox News and they just can’t help themselves. But the legislation that Desantis is signing into law just gets worse and worse the more you dig into it. Let’s start with his unbelievably draconian anti-abortion law.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That’s not the worst thing that Desantis has done this week either. I can’t emphasize enough how bad mass shootings are in this country. It seems like we have one every week, and it just gets worse and worse. The bodies are piling up and no one has any answers, because the GOP is afraid to go after the gun lobby out of fear of losing their guns. The gun propaganda is incredibly strong in the United States. So what does Desantis do? He signs a bill that allows permitless concealed carry anywhere in Florida. People can carry any kind of gun anywhere they want and no one will get punished for it. Even hardcore gun nuts and 2nd amendment absolutionists think this one might be going too far.





Yeah… you did, Ronnie! You went way too fucking far. Oh and speaking of Desantis going too far, you guys have a Disneyland in Paris, right? Well, I’m sure that those of you who are Disney fans have probably heard about the ongoing fight between Disney and Desantis over the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, and Desantis has been attempting to instigate a government takeover of the Reedy Creek development district that controls Disney World, Epcot Center, and the land surrounding both theme parks. Well, it’s been a colossal disaster and what one would call a “cluster fuck”. But Desantis is clearly being controlled by Fox News and they’re pulling his strings here.





Yeah he’s literally threatening to build a prison next to the Reedy Creek district because he lost and now he’s acting like the spoiled kid in Target who begs his parents to buy him a toy until they break down and actually do. And this asshole wants to be president! Can you imagine? It’s insane what is going on in this country and I never thought I’d see such Nazi-esque policies being enacted in the US. But the good news on this front is that Disney is fighting back. So while Desantis is losing big time, Disney is winning big time. They have a saying in Orlando is that you do not fuck with the Mouse. Dear god, please do not let Desantis win in 2024! Please!!!






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[font size="8"]NRA Convention Highlights
[br] [/font] [br]

You know we’re in France for our 300th edition, and I can’t help but wonder what people in Europe think about what’s going on in the United States. So allow me to educate you on one thing in America. In the US, Americans do love their guns. And they don’t care that they don’t have to use them responsibly. We have that most uniquely American of institutions – the National Rifle Administration. And we also have the second amendment, which contains the phrase “shall not be infringed”. Which conservatives, who know nothing about what our founding fathers actually stood for, interpret that phrase way too literally, which results in some absolutely ridiculous laws being proposed and passed in those states. But this is about the National Rifle Association and their annual convention, where we see the most ridiculous gun nuts in the country gather for reasons unknown to protect their precious kill toys from being taken away, also for reasons unknown.





Yeah so the NRA convention has basically become just a dumping grounds for GOP presidential, House and Senate candidates to barf their brains on guns and to make them more appealing to the gun nuts of the country. But for my foreign friends and audience, the fear in America about mass shootings is very real and it’s getting worse. What we don’t need in this country is we don’t need fucking two year olds with semi-automatics. Seriously, that was a thing at the convention this year. it’s absolutely insane to me that we live in a country that cares more about keeping its’ guns over the victims that they take from us, and this is after Sandy Hook and Uvalde.





Yeah so that’s happening in this country. The GOP just does not get it. Shit, last week there was someone who got shot for pulling in the wrong driveway. And by the way, we don’t need Mike Pence proving that he’s the more gun loving candidate than Trump or Desantis. I mean come on, does he not remember that these are the same people who tried to murder him two years ago? I’m honestly surprised that he has the guts to show his face around those parts. So yeah the GOP just continues to circle the drain and the annual NRA convention is proof of that. Sigh… guns are just one of the reasons why we can’t have nice things in America.





Oh and by the way, speaking of things being ruined, the ruiner of everything showed up and of course made everything about him. The man just doesn’t get it. Of course that’s what happens when you hate watch the news 24 hours a day. Can we stop inviting him places? Because he basically turns everything into some kind of weird, fucked up version of the airing of grievances from Seinfeld. Of course, he’s got nothing on Frank Costanza. By the way, I just want to point out that when you ask Chat GPT to generate a Trump “Truth”, you get this error message. Trump is the error message. All he does is just make things worse. This is going to be a long campaign, isn’t it?






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[font size="8"]Fox News
[br] [/font] [br]

In case you haven’t been paying attention, the “We Report, You Decide” network is in, to use some technical terms, some very deep doo doo, over this lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems, the company at the heart of the 2020 election. But to me here’s the thing that’s hilarious about this whole voter fraud scandal. I mean did everyone just forget the Bush years? You know we had presidents that existed before Obama. And conservatives seem to forget recent history which includes the Supreme Court decision known as Bush V Gore, which put us in this shit to begin with. Yeah do people not forget the whole hanging chad fiasco? Come on, that’s the reason why we have these damn voting machines in the first place. But now conservatives – who, once again are fooled by the media, are now turning on the very monster that they created. You just cannot please these people, no matter what you do. They just want a shitty leader who will turn things to shit, and that’s about it. Sigh, Fox News is the reason we can’t have nice things.





Of course not! But that sort of thing doesn’t matter to the MAGAs! When you live in a world where you’re fed lies, hate and bullshit 24 hours a day, these things happen. It’s totally insane what Fox News is doing and they really need to be taken down several pegs. Me personally, I’m finding it absolutely hilarious that conservatives are turning on the very machines they created and the very gerrymandering tactics that brought this country to where it is in the first place. But this might be my favorite part of the trial – guess what Fox News is using for its’ defense? Homer Simpson. That’s right. D’oh!!!





Yes, Fox! You’re in deep D’oh now! And come on, even Rupert Murdoch admitted that the lie that the election was stolen was just to pad their ratings. That’s some next level evil right there. But there is some good news and some bad news. We’ll talk about the good news this week, but then next week we’ll definitely have the bad news from this. The good news is that Fox settled with Dominion to the tune of some $787 million. The bad news? They’ll get a blank check with which to do it again in 2024, because Fox News hosts are agents of chaos.





Yeah so Dominion settled with Fox, but the story is not over. Oh no, not by a long shot! But there’s one thing that we can be absolutely certain of – conservatives are bloodthirsty and they’re out for absolute power, and they don’t care who they stomp on. Yes, freedom of speech is absolute in the United States, but that doesn’t mean that free speech doesn’t have consequences. But the thing with this suit is, it’s only money. If 2024 is too close to call, Fox will attempt to steal it. Fox News will be doing this again and again and again unless we keep hitting them where it hurts. So that being said, thank you sir, may I have another?






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Moms For Liberty

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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, we live in some very dark times right now, and there are some very dark forces at work in the great United States Of America. And those forces of course are supporters of the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved, so disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! Well, last week in doing my research for last week’s segment about Lauren Boebert, I came across this group called Moms For Liberty. Now for those of you who are in our international audience, we’re going through some stuff in the United States, and right wing fundamentalist Christians are in the process of banning books and any mention of the LGBT community. Well, this group called Moms For Liberty, is at the forefront of some of these horrifying and incriminating book bans. I went down the wormhole on this group, and their activities, especially their after hours activities, are far more dark and sinister than you may realize. They’re far more than just an innocent Christian activist group.





Yes, you can almost sense a kind of pattern starting to form here. These are people who worship the unholy Dark One, but they also pose as a creature of light! For the Dark One is the devil and so are most of his supporters. He attracts people who are unruly and unhinged, and might have a screw loose or two, and that is what we are dealing with now! And you know what, people? Can we stop with the childish name calling already? This crap is getting old, and it in no way helps an argument. But of course Moms For Liberty refuses to play civilly. And the good LAWRD JAYSUS does not look kindly on those who harass in his name!





Really, could it? Well, you know the old saying “with friends like these, who needs enemies?”. Of course Moms For Liberty attracts the unruly types who have to question everything and make everything a political issue whether we wanted it to or not. Because that’s the kind of mind that the Unholy Dark One attracts. And in case you’re wondering how much more this group could be more like your average Al Qaeda or Taliban, well, you will not be surprised at all to learn that members of this group have been linked to hate crimes, death threats, and harassment all throughout the country. I bet the even Darker One must be so proud!





Oh come on, as a man of GAWD, even I know that all of the best bands are affiliated with SAYTAN! But you know what? I’d be willing to bet good money that many members of this group Moms For Liberty aren’t even moms to begin with. They’re just a bunch of kooks who have been enabled by Fox News, enablers of the Dark One, to run for office, despite that they have no prior experience of holding any kind of office in the first place. It’s just another circular firing squad argument at this point, perpetrated by those who seek to do harm to this great country of ours. Make no mistake about it, there’s some very dark forces at work in this country right now!





Yes, Moms For Liberty may be pleasing to the eye, but they are growing in numbers and are very dangerous to school boards and city councils. If they come to your city, do everything that you can to stop them! For their agenda is dangerous and evil! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Harlan Crow
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is none other than Harlan Crow, who has been in the news a lot after it’s been revealed that he’s a BFF of Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas. In case you’re wondering – Clarence Thomas is one corrupt asshole. Just how corrupt is he, you might ask? Well, last week it was revealed that a key financial backer of his is this fucking guy, Harlan Crow. So let’s dig through some of his recent news and there was a lot of it. But this entire investigation came about because Justice Thomas failed to disclose some of his real estate dealings. Particularly one from 2014 in which it revealed where Thomas’ mother was living. Why is all of this important? Because, oh, I don’t know, he’s judging the supreme law of the land and was instrumental in overturning Roe V Wade, that’s why! Yes, thank you audience! Phew, now that I got that off my chest, here’s why all of this is relevant in the news this week.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! So apparently the new motto in the GOP is “rules for you, but not for me”. It’s why time after time, they denounce drag shows, while being caught hanging out with drag performers and drag queens. It happens every single damn time! But in case you’re wondering, it gets weirder. So much weirder. Because among other things, it revealed that Mr. Crow has an extensive collection of World War II memorabilia. But his memorabilia collection wasn’t from the US. Oh no, my friends. It was from… wait for it… Nazi Germany! That’s right, Mr. Crow has an extensive collection of Hitler memorabilia! Because, you know, fascism.





Yeah where’s that guy when you need him? But yeah you know, white republican billionaire collecting Nazi memorabilia is perfectly normal behavior… for you know, white billionaire Nazis. And again, you might be asking why is this important? Because Clarence Thomas is judging the supreme law of the land, that’s why! And I mean I’m not in the least bit surprised that the anit-abortion movement was recently revealed to be a white supremacist / neo Nazi movement. It’s all about making white babies and that’s about it. Doesn’t matter what happens when they’re actually born. They just want them. Moving on, of course Mr. Crow is attempting to “please disperse” his way out of his relationship with Thomas.





Uh… where have you been the last 5 years, Mr. Crow? The Supreme Court was already destabilized when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died and the bony MAGA King got to appoint 3 justices during his term – the right wing got what they wanted. They overturned 50 years of progress in the span of one night. Oh and by the way, Crow went on TV to decry the investigations against him. And they are fucking weird. But of course he goes and cries to the conservative media when he gets caught lying. Which is pretty much par for the course these days. Sigh, this is why we can’t have nice things, people!





That’s Clarence Thomas’ billionaire Nazi benefactor and real estate billionaire Harlan Crow. This week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Tonight On Tucker Carlson
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! You know, I don’t need to tell you that Fox News is the most watched news network among racist creepy uncles and internet conspiracy theorists. Last week, they had an interview with that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, and Tucker Carlson. Honestly, I’m getting flashbacks to when Larry King had Tracy Jordan on that episode of 30 Rock, and Tracy just goes completely off script and off the rails. Well, it was the stuff of pure, absolute, unedited insanity. And it just goes on and on and on.





Good question and I unfortunately do not know the answer to that! But this is the stuff of pure insanity here, folks. By the way, can we stop the video for a second? I just want to point out how Fox News is billing this as a “historic interview”. Uh, how is it historic, exactly? They have Trump on Fox News like every other day. Trump wouldn’t exist without Fox. He’s on Fox News so much that he practically lives in their headquarters! Remember when Hannity had a nightly batphone to the White House when he was in charge? Well yeah we won’t let them forget about that!





Uh… a little submissive? This is a guy who not even a few days ago, was ranting and raving about how much he hates Trump off camera. But on camera it was pretty much Tucker Carlson with his lips firmly implanted on Trump’s bulbous ass! Because the GOP has a cult-like mentality and if you’re a member of the cult, you must kiss up to and suck up to Dear Leader on a daily basis! Don’t forget to show your flair too, the more flair you have the better! Yes, like Office Space! But this might be the strangest part of the interview, and I’ll take “Things that didn’t happen” for $600, Alex.





No, nothing is rigged here. And by the way all this takes is a little bit of some light Googling, and you can see that he’s clearly just flat out making shit up. Which at this point in the game, we’re honestly not at all surprised. Just look at this handy flow chart – Is Trump lying? No… yes. So the logical conclusion is logical – if Trump’s mouth is moving, then he is most definitely lying. There’s no ifs, ands, or butts about it. But one thing we can be absolutely certain of – Fox News is giving Trump plenty of air time ahead of the 2024 election and we’ll be entering some uncharted territory when that happens.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink

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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks and while we are drinking, we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because mixing politics and booze never ends well. This week we’re going to bend the rules a little bit, because we need to talk about a republican buzz word that is absolutely dominating the news: “woke”. Look, we’re in France, so I will let you in on some American politics here – is that we have this network called Fox News and they’ve attempted to sabotage the current administration with the newest buzz word “woke” which is basically anyone who has an independent thought that’s not manufactured by Rupert Murdoch. So tell me, bartender, what’s a good French drink? Brenne Single Malt? OK let’s have some of that then! I know it’s not my usual Jack, but when in Rome, right? But specifically I want to talk about the new Super Mario Bros movie. Which has MAGA conservatives with their underwear in a wad because they think they’ve found the key to defeating “woke” Disney. Uh, no they haven’t.





Come on, MAGA dude bros, don’t ruin Super Mario Bros for me! I’m a 90s kid, I grew up with the franchise. Do you not remember how bad the first Mario Bros movie was? Or the Super Mario Bros Super Show? Yeah I thought so! But come on, no one tell the MAGA dude bros about Birdo… yeah a pink dinosaur shooting eggs out of its’ mouth… how could you misinterpret that one? But here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to. The social media war between the right wing MAGA dude bros and those of us who live in the real world and don’t give a shit, are going to keep escalating, because that’s what they do.





Yeah now that’s what I am talking about! But you know that’s the one that really sucks about living in the 24 / 7, always connected social media world. Can we ever just say that a movie is good, anymore? Or can we also say that a movie is terrible? Why does everything have to have a damn political agenda? So yes, Disney is in a slump right now, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t recover from it. And really fuck what Ron DeSatan thinks. The thing is that Dreamworks actually created a movie that was for the hardcore Nintendo fans, and they really made something that people love. Of course the idiots have to ruin it.





Yeah keep it coming! Come on, we’re half way around the world celebrating 300 editions, damn it! Of course those conspiracy theory idiots have to ruin anything. Which really makes us wonder why anyone still listens to those assholes. But that aside, because those idiots don’t know what the word “woke” means, you’re woke… until you’re not. So why does the Mario Bros movie get so much praise? Well aside from the fact that it might just be a good movie, it just shows that MAGA conservatives, Fox News pundits, and the internet conspiracy theory lunatics have a weird way of praising things. Because a month ago, they were complaining about the Mario Bros movie being – wait for it – “too woke”. You just can’t please everyone all the time. And this is why we can’t have nice things.



&pp=ygUSamFjayBibGFjayBwZWFjaGVz




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, last week we had what might be one of the biggest upsets of the tournament so far with Ohio shocking Kansas to advance to their first Final Four in Stupidest State history! This week it’s Round 2 Week 2 which means that it’s the Gun Nut Conference Championship! Montana. Missouri. One of these two states will advance to the Final Four, the other will go home! We’re live at the home of the Florida Panthers, the fabulous FTX Arena in downtown Miami for all the exciting action! The Final Four is shaping up folks, and it looks to be a good one! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference Finals: Missouri Vs Montana [/font]

[font size="2"]Missouri [/font]


The Show Me State won the first round for one thing and one thing only – a plan to put guns in churches. Yes, the gun nuts are that fucking crazy that they would attempt to try something that reckless. There’s seriously no bottom for them. There’s no line they won’t cross. There’s nothing sacred to them. But it’s totally insane that the shootings keep happening, the bodies keep piling up, and the only solution that the GOP can think of is more guns!!! The GOP has a serious gun addiction and it’s never going to let up any time soon. But this is the stuff of pure insanity here.





Yeah sure, blame the cigarettes! You know what else is on the table in Missouri? Guns on the Metrolink, that’s right! In red states, there’s literally no place you can’t carry your precious guns. And you can’t say that you’re not an ammosexual, because consider this – you’re taking your AR-15 on a dinner date to Chili’s! I mean come on, if I saw that guy while I was waiting in line to get a burrito at Chipotle, I’d leave and tell the manager exactly why I was leaving. So yeah gun nuts are getting weirder and nuttier with the legislation they’re proposing. Guns on public transportation? What could possibly go wrong?





And by the way, in case you’re wondering, this is the very kind of scenario that the NRA is counting on because they want these gun laws passed. Yes, guns are everywhere, and yes they are becoming a massive problem that this country can no longer ignore. It’s totally insane. So maybe, yeah, once in a blue moon, this is one instance where a good guy with a gun actually stops a bad guy with a gun, but like we said, there’s one scenario in like a million. There’s too many bad guys with guns out there, and too many easy ways for bad things to happen. We’re not praising this in any way, just pointing it out. We may have to expand on this in a future Holy Shit.





[font size="2"]Montana [/font]


The Big Sky State won the first round for one reason. Another state with some criminally insane gun laws that allow anyone to carry anywhere for any reason. It’s like they just don’t care at all how many shootings we have. They just find new ways to make our lives miserable and that we should live in fear of the firearm. But I heard something interesting the other day – Montana is a red state that is deeply intwined with firearms, mainly out of tradition. Because Montana is a huge hunting state and hunting traditions run deep. But it’s only a matter of time before they stop hunting animals and start hunting something much bigger than deer. The most dangerous game.





Yeah that basically sums up guns in Montana. And how does Montana respond to mass shootings being at an all time high? By making Montana a sanctuary state for guns! You really can’t make this shit up, folks! Like that’s just intentionally being an asshole. The thing is most of us now, who live in sane America, are living in fear of being shot or dying in a mass shooting. But Montana, like a lot of other bright red states, is simply saying “fuck you” to the rest of us and siding with the increasing minority of gun owners. So yeah… you want to get your shooting freak on, go there.





Sigh… this is why we can’t have nice things. Oh and by the way, according to the TSA, you know which state leads the country in the amount of firearms that are being passed through metal detectors in airports? That’s right – Montana! Yeah, they love them some guns in the Treasure State. And it’s pretty alarming that number is that high. Seriously we’ve been living in a terror state since 9/11 and it seems like the real terror is happening at home and not abroad. To quote the late, great Frank Zappa – “Why are we fighting those people over there, when we should be fighting these right wing freaks over here?”. So true!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

No contest here, Missouri is ahead by 10 with a minute to go, but Montana wasn’t going down without a fight! Missouri has the ball.. for 3… YES! And that’s all she wrote, folks. Missouri wins by a score of 7 and they will cruise to a spot in the Final Four! They are celebrating on the court with this amazing victory! Final score: 84 –! Cut that net, guys! You earned it!



[font size="2"]Next week: [/font]

It’s Round 2 Week 3 which means that it’s the Batshit Conference Finals! Florida Vs Arizona! One of these two teams will advance to play Ohio in the Final Four, the other one will go home! We’re live at the home of the Washington Capitals, the Capitol One Arena in Washington, DC for all the exciting action! The Final Four is shaping up, folks! Follow the Top 10 on Mastodon at Top10ConIdiots @ mstdn.party for updates and brackets!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Red Hot Chili Peppers[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, to celebrate 300 editions of the Top 10, my next guest is one of the biggest bands in the world! Their new album is called “Return Of The Dream Canteen”, you can see them in San Diego on May 12th, Phoenix May 14th, Houston on May 25th, and at the Bottle Rock Festival in Napa. Playing their song “Tippa My Tongue”, give it up for the Red. Hot. Chili. Peppers!!!



Thank you Paris! This was a very sentimental evening and a hell of a lot of fun! And I want to thank my staff, my crew, all of the guests we’ve had on the program. We’ve had 300 editions. Here’s to 300 more editions! We’re back home in Denver next week! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Red Hot Chili Peppers Appear Courtesy Of: BMG Rights Management
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: L’Olympia Theater, Paris, FR
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon At: [email protected]
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Mastodon At: [email protected]
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: [email protected]


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 13, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-11: "The Gang Gets Arrested" Edition (Official Top 10 #299!)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-11: “The Gang Gets Arrested” Edition (Official Top 10 #299!)

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo what’s up Hollywood? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It’s good to be back home for a bit before we head off to Paris for our big 300th edition special! Mainly because it was cheaper to get flights to Paris out of LAX than it was any place else. Hey you try booking international flights and hotels for a traveling comedy show with a staff and crew, that shit gets expensive! And we make podcast money. Not prime time after the Daily Show or 10 million subscriber Youtube channel money. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. So for those of you who are new to the program, you know that one of our favorite targets is Gwenyth Paltrow, and her GOOP channel. Because they always recommend some absolutely batshit crazy stuff, and most of it is, pretty much bullshit, give or take. But anyway Gwen is an avid skier, and had a collision back in 2016. No, no collusion. That’s an entirely different subject altogether. But anyway the trial finally wrapped up this week, and what was the take away from all of this? Well, Ms. Paltrow only had one thing to say was that she’s sad that she missed a day of skiing! Yeah well, we do have to give it to her, that she does enjoy her hobby! We enjoy our hobbies here too! No sir, we’ve got a policy here not to address the Johnny Depp trial. Because we don’t make fun of things that are too horrifying to make fun of. We can make fun of rich people and their 1st world problems though! That is the problem with doing a live show though, am I right? OK folks, enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he delves into a real first world problem that many of us have to deal with, and that’s Home Owner’s Associations:



Where do we begin this week? Well of course the number one thing that has dominated the news last week is of course going to take the top spot this week and that’s the arrest of our *FORMER* president Donald J. Trump (1). That’s right, and the way his arrest played out seems like an episode of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” doesn’t it? It even came with its’ own B plot with conservatives melting down, particularly the Harley Quinn to his Joker, Marjorie Greene (2) and her side show shit show of a protest, which she got kicked out of New York by way too literal whistle blowers! Taking the third slot this week is the state of Tennessee. Last year’s winner (or loser?) in our 2022 Stupidest State tournament is under fire from anti-gun protestors, so what do they do? They attempt to expel the Dem lawmakers from the state house for marching in the protests! It’s shockingly insane evil, and god forbid anyone have an independent thought that’s not manufactured by Rupert Murdoch! Speaking of independent thought and Fox News, in the number 4 slot this week we’re going to play our favorite game “Is It Racist?” (4) and this one is concerning the behavior of LSU player Angel Reese and Iowa player Caitlyn Clark, which naturally caused Fox News hosts to melt down. Which is why we always say that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist. In the number 5 slot this week, we’re going to check in with our old buddy Elon Musk (5). That’s right, the Twitter CEO and full time right wing shit poster is finding that his latest hairbrained schemes are backfiring on him big time, and it’s also costing him a lot of money. In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, Colorado representative Gunny Boo Boo, er, Lauren Boebert, has said that we shouldn’t nitpick parts of the Bible we don’t like in order to suit a narrative. OK Lauren, challenge accepted! And we might have the upper hand on this one! In the number 7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7)! Sigh, another day, another right wing protest against a company for daring to market to a growing demographic. This week it’s specifically Dr. Phil look alike contest winner Kid Rock taking aim (literally) at Bud Light for partnering with a trans Tik Tok influencer. In the number 8 slot this week is our venture into the world of tin foil hat nuttery with Conspiracy Corner (8)! This week, the question on the table is – should anti-vaxxers like RFK Jr run for president? The answer is simply: NO!!! And there’s an even more sinister motive behind this one, and cue your inner Scooby Doo for this one! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink! So now that he’s no longer a touring member of the legendary 80s band Motley Crue, Mick Mars is suddenly going on a warpath against his former bandmates, and it’s going to be a massive circular firing squad between the two in the upcoming weeks! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2023! The Elite 8 is here! And to kick off Round 2 Week 1 (10), it’s the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Finals! Ohio. Kansas. One of these two will advance to the Final Four, the other goes home! We’re live at the new home of the Seattle Kraken, the Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle for all the exciting action! Plus to close things out, we’ve got some live music for you from the legendary Clutch! Buy their new album Sunrise On Slaughter Beach or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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You know, there’s lots of sitcoms out there. But there’s only one that could capture the sheer insanity of last week. Hit it!



Title:



Yes, last week really did feel like a sitcom didn’t it? But the impossible finally happened. That guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, got arrested and indicted!!! Yeah come on, how about that? Let’s celebrate this one! The battle may be won, but the war is far from over, but last week really felt like a sitcom didn’t it? But what one should never do is bang a porn star then use campaign funds to pay her off so she keeps quiet. The fact that Trump is still walking free after all of this shit and then is allowed to barf his brain on his own social media hidey hole really says a lot about what the other half wants from this country, doesn’t it? They want absolute power and they don’t care who they stomp on to get it. But for the sake of this argument, let’s call him “Defendant #1”. So how did the US react to Defendant #1’s indictment? Well, most of us were celebrating like our favorite baseball team had just won the World Series!





Yeah WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Trump got arrested! Trump got arrested! Trump got arrested! So that happened. You know what else happened? Right after Trump got arrested, he very quickly went back to Mar-A-Shithole. That’s right – they held an arraignment party. Because the people who still go to Mar-A-Lago think that they’re still running the government. You know at this point, I’d much rather trick Trump into thinking that he’s the president rather than him actually being president, because he can do less damage that way.




Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Yeah Trump is going back to his regular DJ gig at Mar-A-Shithole. Seriously, what is he doing? Playing “Don’t Stop Believing” and “YMCA” for the insurrectionists? And do his supporters not see the sheer irony of him playing YMCA? Well that aside, I love that Trump thinks that this little incident helped his chances in 2024. Because the GOP is that deranged, and they have gone that far off the deep end. But while they’re currently circulating the bottom of the drain, the adults are back in charge, and it has been so much better.





Yeah well the 2024 GOP primary is basically going to come down to which brand of fascism and authoritarianism you’re willing to tolerate. Which will basically be either Nazi Trump or third world dictator Desantis. And then of course, one thing we can always count on is that Trump lies, and he lies a lot. In fact, count this one under “things that did not happen”. In fact, this so did not happen that the actual accounts of the event totally contradict that which comes out of the anus, er, mouth of the Orange One. Is Trump lying? The answer is yes, always. And let’s face it, Trump wouldn’t be anything without Fox News.






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Greene
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There’s two classic elements to every sitcom. The first is that all sitcoms feature the same gang of regulars with a rotating list of guest stars. The second is that most episodes have what’s called an “A” plot which is the central theme of each episode and usually the more serious plot, while the “B” plot is usually where the comic relief happens. A classic example of this is the classic Simpsons episode “New Kid On The Block”, where Bart falls in love with his attractive new neighbor, while Homer goes off on a binge eating frenzy and sues a seafood restaurant for not giving him all he could eat. So in the Trump sitcom, Trump gets arrested and arraigned in New York City. Meanwhile, part time Congresswoman and full time social media troll and Trump ass kisser Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit) goes on a rampage in New York City. But her rampage was actually more of a whimper. And it was pretty awesome to witness. And this exactly what made last week feel like it was something that was straight out of a sitcom episode. You can’t make this stuff up, folks!





Thank you Nelson! There’s honestly nothing I love more than when a right winger attempts to stage a protest only for them to get drowned out by counter protestors. Because I mean really, what are you protesting, Marjorie? The rest of us who aren’t intwined with the Murdoch cult want to see Trump go down in flames. The best part about this is that she was warned by the mayor of New York beforehand, but chose to come here anyways. Then retreated with her tail between her legs when she got called out for her unrelenting bullshit.





So you know how they say that you can always tell a person by the company they keep. Well, let’s test this theory out a bit. Marjorie hangs out with known serial liar Donald Trump, known serial liar George Santos, and a bunch of wannabe Nazis. So does that mean that Marjorie is a serial lying wannabe Nazi herself? I’d say probably. But one thing I do want to point out about the MAGAs is their ever increasing use of hyperbole in their rhetoric. No, MAGA morons, Trump is not Jesus. Nor is he Nelson Mandela. Nor is he… oh forget it. it’s getting ever harder to keep up with their bullshit.





Yeah I mean come on, Trump is Jesus? Are you absolutely fucking kidding me? And this is the other problem with the MAGAs. As we have noticed in years past, whenever they get called out on their bullshit in public, they retreat back to their social media hidey holes, where they increase the hyperbole meter to where it breaks the scale and play the sympathy card so it wins them over more supporters, we know their patterns! But is New York City really that repulsive? The answer is no. It’s only repulsive because big cities don’t tolerate Marjorie’s hateful bullshit.






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[font size="8"]The Tennessee State GOP
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We don’t need to tell you that America has a gun problem. We can’t get enough firearms. America does love them some guns. And because of this undying love of the firearm, mass shootings are at an all time high. We’ve literally had 142 mass shootings and it’s only the middle of April so far. And it’s going to get worse. Though I did like Michael Che’s idea that if we really want to end gun violence, we should get trans people to do advertisements for guns. However, America’s gun nuts seem to be getting the wrong message and it’s in their social media feeds 24 hours a day. So here’s what you don’t do when people are clamoring to end America’s gun problem. What you don’t do is that you don’t get rid of the people who are trying to actually help solve the problem. Yes, as is the case of what happened in Tennessee last week. You can say all you want to about the MAGAs and what Fox News is doing to this country but it seems like Fox News is hell bent on taking this country full fascist authoritarian, and what happened in Tennessee last week is a preview of some incredibly dark shit to come.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So that’s how this disgusting, illegal, and grossly unconstitutional move went down. And I’m not even counting Florida’s efforts to actually dissolve the Democratic party, that’s going full Nazi. But we’ll save that for another entry. So what happened after that? Well it of course caused a national uproar, which apparently got lost in the15 hours of footage of Trump’s plane parked at the tarmac or what he had for lunch (I’m guessing it was probably lukewarm McDonald’s). But yes, we can’t overlook what this is but a mere preview of.





Here’s what is fucking insane about this whole incident. The first is that the two guys in question were black, so there’s a race card to be played here. But what’s even more insane is that we live in a country that values weapons of mass destruction more than the victims that they take from us. That’s really disheartening. And it keeps happening again and again and again. The second thing is that this is the thanks we get for trying to stand up for what’s right and go against the MAGA Christian fascist Taliban GQP cult. God forbid anyone has an independent thought not manufactured by Rupert Murdoch. The good news though is that this shit is illegal as hell.





Thank you Nelson! So what’s the lesson to be learned from all of this, besides don’t fuck with the MAGA cult that seems to be engulfing this country? Well I guess the take away is that you shouldn’t be too surprised when they pull fascist shit like this. But the other good thing about this is that if you complain enough, eventually they will listen. But it will take a hell of a lot of complaining. As we’ve seen from mass shootings ranging from Sandy Hook to Aurora to Vegas to the latest one in Nashville, the cult of the firearm has spoken, and we will witness this again and again. Thank you sir, may I have another?






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist?: The Angel Reese Controversy
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Hey everyone! It’s time to play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



Because our motto around here is that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! And we say “probably” very loosely. And there’s been a lot of racism in the news lately. But last week was the stuff of sheer insanity. Because during the NCAA women’s championships between LSU and Iowa, you may have heard of a controversy regarding forward Angel Reese. Which of course blew up on Fox News, you know, the reason why we can’t have nice things. And obviously if you watch Fox News, I’d be willing to bet some good money that most of their commentators have probably never set foot on a basketball court. If there’s one thing I know about the sport of basketball, is that one of the components needed to be a good player is that you need to be a good trash talker, and you need to be able to dish it out as well as you can take it. Which of course led to this:





Yeah pretty much! I’ll tell you who should feel like a failure is our old buddy Dave Portnoy. That’s right, the trash talking founder of Barstool Sports can dish it out, but he sure as hell can’t take it. So let’s ask an actual former NBA legend what he thought of the entire thing. So let’s backtrack a bit. Kareem Abdul Jabar, the LA Lakers legend, got into a spat with Dave Portnoy about the whole Angel Reese controversy. And after judging from all of this, we think that it’s safe to say that Portnoy has probably never set foot on an inner city basketball court:





Yeah come on, Kareem! Not a big deal??? Well here’s where it gets weird, and you knew that it was going to. At least be thankful that we have a competent president in the White House who won’t be embarrassing you when you go to visit. Remember when Trump greeted the visiting championship winning Clemson Tigers way back when (see: Idiots #6-2 )? Well this time it might actually be the visitors doing the embarrassing behavior and not the guy in the White House. Because apparently LSU actually turned down the White House invite, but sources close to the school say otherwise.





Yeah come on, deal with it! But here’s where the racism part comes into play. So apparently some crazy NCAA fans attempted to mock Reese online, and if there’s one thing about the social media era in which we currently live, it’s that it’s given lots of loud mouth idiots across the country and around the world a megaphone with which they can say anything hateful that they damn well please. Well, if there’s one person who we have learned that you do not fuck with, it’s Samuel L. Jackson. Mr. Jackson of course had some very choice words for the haters, especially Keith Olbermann. So audience, we ask you one question – IS IT RACIST? And the answer: probably!






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
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It's great to know that the guy in charge of one of the world’s largest social media companies has the mental brain age of a 10 year old isn’t it? Though come on, Harry Bolz? That’s the best you could come up with, E? I know five year olds who can talk trash and flip shit better than that. And it’s insane that Twitter’s stock has taken a nose dive since Elon’s hostile takeover of the platform back last November, and continues to at an alarming rate. So where does it end? Does he go full Jim Jones or does he go full Howard Hughes? I mean he’s basically just a hair away from storing his fingernail trimmings and urine samples in jars. So what is the mad man of Twitter up to lately? Well, his weekend antics which basically involved the maturity level of someone who’s just now discovering that fart jokes are funny, did this to the Twitter headquarters in San Francisco last weekend:





Oh come on! If you’re going to go after a network that wants to be state run TV, why not go after Fox News? I mean come on, it’s the place current representatives go to barf their brains on whatever insane laws they’re trying to pass and convincing people that it’s the right thing to do. Which, as we know, most of the time it isn’t. But that’s not the only insane thing that Elon has been up to this week. So those of you who have a blue checkmark next to your user name on Twitter, will find that your legacy checkmark expires on… wait for it… 4/20.





Seriously? 420 69? What an edgy bad ass you are! Kind of like that Trump rapper who goes around calling himself “Stony Dudebro”. Look, even as a comedian and we’re doing a comedy show, weed humor and 69 jokes are for people who are just discovering comedy. Come on, Elon, put down the bong and back away from the computer very slowly. Imagine paying $44 billion dollars to buy a social media company, only to become chief shit poster. Ha ha ha ha ha! I didn’t know that was a job title! But anyway, while you weren’t looking, Elon pulled what may be the ultimate dick move and simply merged Twitter with X Corporation:





Yeah come on, E!!! We’ve already had to put up with that shit with the Metaverse. No, I don’t want people like Elon or Zuckerberg siphoning my every last hard earned dollar. I mean, we make 2:00 PM at the Chuckle Hut money! Which is why we have that coveted Thursday at 2:00 PM time slot! We can’t be bothered to have a show that goes up against The Daily Show! But the takeaway from this segment should be that Elon says one thing and does another. Well, if you thought his social media company was insane, wait until you see what he’s got in store for AI! Come on, doesn’t he know what happens when artificial intelligence becomes self aware? Do I have to explain the plot of Terminator again?






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Lauren Boebert Vs The Bible
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know there comes a time when every boy becomes a man, when challenges must be accepted. And one must rise to such an occasion. You know we live in a strange time right now. Because America is currently under the spell of two mad men. One of course, is the unholy, ungodly Dark One. I of course speak of a man that is so foul, so profane, so disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! The other is of course, the fascist who runs Florida. But, the Dark One and the Florida Fascist aside, that’s not what we are here to talk about today. What are we here to discuss? Well, a certain supporter of the unholy Dark One, has a message for us. But this particular individual isn’t exactly what one would call “learned”. And as a matter of fact, we’re going to go out on a limb and say that this isn’t the way that you win an argument. But before we go any further, I just want to say what this particular individual is alerting to, and well, let’s just say that what she is suggesting is probably a grey area for conservatives.





Yeah come on, Colorado! I love you guys, but this is who you voted for twice? Really? And come on, as we have seen time and time again, the MAGAs don’t really have standards. I mean literally anyone can be a representative if they speak MAGA and watch Fox News until their eyes bleed. But that’s not what GAW D and JAYSUS want now is it? So let’s think about who else might be involved in this. You know we’ve often warned about the false prophets who preach for the unholy Dark One. And they have seriously been going off the deep end lately. So much that we don’t even know how far it’s going to go, and apparently there’s no bottom!





Yes, the devil most certainly walks among us! Because I’m not sure that’s what our GAWD JAYSUS would want now is it? These are people who absolutely nitpick the Bible for their own personal gain and to support a narrative. Or how about someone like Moms for Liberty which unequivocally supports the Unholy Dark One? And you know what, we may have to do a deep dive into this group next week because these are people who nitpick the Bible in order to suit a narrative, and if they show up to your city, you know that they are up to no good!





Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Does he not know that Testament is a thrash metal band? That is a good one! But here’s the thing, Boebert is not someone who we would exactly call “learned”, as we said at the beginning of our sermon. I mean come on, this is someone who used her platform to wish death on President Biden. That’s not what JAYSUS would want, that’s absolutely psychotic! But this is one of those things where Christians say one thing and then do the exact opposite. You know, we’re the ones who are supposed to abide by the rules. Come on, man!





So there you have it. Rep. Boebert is constantly preaching one thing, while her fellow Christians clearly don’t care what rules they choose to follow – or don’t follow! And that has to be some kind of derangement syndrome or something. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Kid Rock Vs Bud Light
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You know, I think it’s time we asked this question - what do conservatives like anymore? It’s like there’s one of these every week now and it’s getting to be so much that even we can’t keep up. Conservatives now say the word “woke” so much that not only has it lost all meaning, but they couldn’t even tell you what it means! So after they’ve boycotted everything from Keurigs to the NFL to Oreos to McDonalds to Starbucks, what’s left for them? Basically just sit and stare at blank walls and eat stale bread and drink tap water? That sounds about white. The latest outrage from the right wing outrage machine was started by none other than rich white guy from Michigan posing as a dirty redneck southerner, Kid Rock. And it was over another commercial, this time with their favorite shitty beer of choice, Bud Light, partnering with Tik Tok trans activist and model Dylan Mulaney. Yup, that’s what the right wing MAGA dude bros have their underwear in a wad over this week – another commercial. And we don’t expect it to end any time soon, because, woke derangement.





Except these beers ain’t free! You know here’s the thing MAGAs, you can destroy all the things you want, and you can shoot 12 packs of Bud Light because they don’t agree with the things you don’t agree with. But let me spell it out for you – they already got your money! And also let me educate you on something about the beer industry – there’s something like 3 companies that control over 200 different brands. There’s Anheuser-Bush. There’s MillerCoors, and there’s Constellation Brands. That’s a lot of different beers out there. But apparently just one has the conservative outrage machine losing their collective shit right now.





Seriously these guys don’t even know what they are mad at anymore. Imagine that your masculinity is so toxic that it’s threatened by a beer advertisement. Like what the fuck dude bros? At this point it’s practically insane to list all of the boycotts the MAGA dude bros have undertaken since the Colin Kapernick shit they forced on us back in 2016. But let’s face it, no one holds a grudge, and no one does conspiracy theories like the MAGAs do. Some good news though is that at least there’s some sanity in this argument. To which we say at what point does it end? Well, never. It will never end.





Yeah that’s about how we feel here too! But the one thing we do know – is that if you already have a case of Bud Light sitting in your fridge, destroying it won’t prove anything except that you’re a spoiled child who whines about the slightest bit of progress being made. So what if a company is showing progress and advancement in humanity? Well, don’t tell that to Marjorie Greene, or anyone who might be switching over to Coors. Because for you crybaby MAGA dude bro Bud Light drinkers who won’t shut up about the brand’s partnership with a trans influencer, well, you won’t like what the competition has to offer, either. Just shut up and drink your tap water. At some point, they’ll complain about tap water being too woke too.








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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So folks, in the last two weeks, we’ve seen an abundance of candidates throw their hat in the ring for a chance to unseat our 46th president, Joseph R. Biden. Everyone from former Arksansas governor Asa Hutchinson to former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley to some guy who wrote a book about “wokism”, Vivek Ramaswamy. But out of all of those candidates, one of them is currently sticking out like a sore thumb. That candidate is Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Now if you don’t know the name, he’s the famous son of Robert F. Kennedy. And he’s also a notorious online anti-vaxxer troll.







OK look… I think it’s safe to say that we’re finally on the tail end of the COVID-19 pandemic that’s crippled the world for the last three years. But one thing is for sure – we have been putting up with anti-vaxxer shit for that entire length of time. Do we really need this guy representing the party? And I answer that question with: “Hell fucking no!!!”. But in fact there’s much more to this, and RFK Jr even ranks as the least popular Kennedy among the Kennedy family. You know that RFK Jr has absolutely no chance in hell that RFK Jr will get elected. So why is he running for president, anyways?





You know, we’ll never fully understand just how quickly people turned on vaccines, but it’s insane that they did and the damage is definitely done. So if the campaign he’s running is what one would call a “sinking ship”, then what’s the point of the run? Well, of course there’s a far more sinister motive at work behind the scenes here. Because as we all know, there’s some very dark forces at work in this country aiming to take this country in some very dark directions. If he’s running and he has no chance of winning, it’s more about sending a message than it is to actually, you know, run for something. What’s that message, you might ask? Well… it’s complicated.





Of course! There’s always got to be some kind of sinister motive behind all of this. But come on, RFK Jr, we see through you. You can’t hang out with notorious right wing conspiracy theorist Roger Stone and expect to get away with it! Come on, now! So what – or should I say – who – is propping up this nonsense and encouraging him to run? You know what? Let’s channel our inner Scooby Doo here and pull off the mask and see who it really is. STEVE BANNON??? And he would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling liberals!








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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks. And while we are drinking, we talk about anything else in the news as long as it doesn’t involve politics. Because there’s a lot of incredibly dark shit in the news right now and the last thing that we need to do is mix it with alcohol, because that almost never ends well. Well this week, we’re going to talk about 80s heavy metal legends Mötley Crüe. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about Motley Crue? Just plain black coffee? Oh it’s because they’re sober isn’t it? Well we don’t do that around here, but we do respect our sober brothers and sisters! We’re going to stick with our usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack! Well, anyway I’m lucky I got to see Motley Crue on the Stadium Tour last year at their home stop at SoFi Stadium. Because if the way things are currently trending, we’re not sure what the future holds for one of the bands that famously built the Sunset Strip. But it does seem like this was a powder keg waiting to go off. And you know that I love a good beef. But this is one of the beefiest beefs to ever beef.





Yeah so Mick Mars’ retirement from the Crue wasn’t exactly a “so long, happy trails, off the sunset you go” kind of retirement. It’s been, to use the technical term, a “clusterfuck”. But apparently there was a lot going on during last year’s Stadium Tour that we didn’t see because it was going on behind the scenes, and it was truly disastrous. But the increasing use of hyperbole in the articles suggest that things aren’t exactly going great in the world of the Crue. That’s the best and also worst thing about living in the age of excessive clickbait. You either know where someone stands, or you don’t.





See, Nikki Sixx recently said that we should make alcohol illegal because it leads to people making terrible decisions. Well let’s just say that he’s half right about that. It does lead to people making terrible decisions, but we tried making alcohol illegal once and it backfired big time. But anyway, like most things in this day and age, it gets weird. And well, here’s the gist of it. Nikki is saying that they propped up Mick for years, now Mick is saying that he propped up the rest of the band for years. At least it’s not Queensryche, where Geoff Tate tried to fight the band with their own equipment, then sued them for control of the name and made an entirely different band with the same name, but it’s definitely way up there!





Yeah so band breakups are a mixed bag. They can be a total shit show like Motley Crue, or Queensryche, or Steely Dan, or Fleetwood Mac. Or they can also be the other way around and be like Metallica or 311, where you can work with the same people for 30+ years and cruise to stadium filling gigs like Desert Trip, where you can spend the GDP of a small country for general admission tickets and a somewhat decent hotel package. Well, we don’t expect this little feud to wrap up any time soon, but the he said – they said is going to get really intense, and we’ll follow it while it happens.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2023: Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Championships
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Well, folks! The Elite 8 is set! Representing the Batshit Conference, we have Florida and Arizona! From the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, we have Ohio and Kansas! From the Gun Nut Conference, we have Missouri and Montana! And last, but certainly not least, from the Family Values Conference, we have Tennessee and Utah! Last week it was one for the ages. And we really mean that! Tennessee ultimately prevailed with a last second 3 pointer to sink Arkansas, who wasn’t going down without a fight, it was a truly incredible matchup! Meanwhile, over in the Batshit Conference, Arizona dominated South Dakota to play heavily favored Florida! This week it’s the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championships – Ohio vs Kansas! We’re live from the home of the Seattle Kraken, the Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle for all the exciting action! Let’s go the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Round 2: Kansas Vs Ohio [/font]

[font size="2"]Kansas [/font]


The Kansas Jayhawks are back and they are favorites in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference for one reason – greed! And boy is there some greed in the Sunflower State. Kansas is of course the home to the right wing billionaires that everyone loves to hate – Koch Industries. But the biggest story out of the Sunflower State currently is a massive food tax problem. But the problem is that once again, conservatives favor the party of the rich and they don’t care about anyone else. Yet they say that they care about you, the working class. Because that’s what the GOP does. Bottom line: don’t vote with just your wallet, because it never ends well.





Yes, that’s the point – everyone always wants more, more, more! So what’s the solution to that, you might ask? Well, I answer you, sir or madam – the answer is to offset with a food tax! Which of course means more money for Koch Industries! Yeah, that’s the same old story time and time again – the rich get richer, while the poor get screwed. Fox News and corporate greed – it’s the reason why we can’t have nice things.





[font size="2"]Ohio [/font]


The Buckeye State has finally found their home in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference! When we last checked in, they had taken out Wisconsin thanks to a series of train derailments, while their representatives at the state level are fighting over bullshit culture war issues that they had heard about on Fox News. Well, the shit hitting the fan surrounding the Norfolk Southern incident has hit the proverbial fan, because it’s getting real. And it’s getting to the point where it’s going to start affecting a whole lot of people in various different ways. Again, folks, don’t vote with your wallet because this is the kind of shit that happens when you do.





Yes, holy shit indeed! So how does the Ohio state legislature respond? By fighting about bullshit culture war issues because that’s all Tucker Carlson talks about! Yes, it’s the same old story time and time again – Fox News keeps us fighting with each other over bullshit culture war issues while the right wing consolidates all the wealth and power in this country. This is how they keep stealing elections, schoolboards, courts, you name it. I tell you, right wing politics is an absolute racket in this country and it's really starting to show.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

We have a winner! In a stunning upset, Ohio has taken Kansas by a score of 10 going into the last minute of the game… for three… it’s good! A foul has been called. First shot in… yes! Second… oh a miss. But the damage has been done! Ohio takes the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference and they are going to the Final Four! Final score: 88 – 74! They are celebrating on the court, Ohio has made their first Final Four in NFFSA history! Cut that net guys! You earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week, it’s the Gun Nut Conference Championships! Missouri. Montana. One of these states will advance to the Final Four! Who will bring their big guns? Only one way to find out! We’re live at the home of the Florida Panthers, the FTX Arena in Miami, Florida for all the exciting action!
https://www.timesreporter.com/story/news/politics/2023/04/04/culture-wars-lawmakers-push-anti-abortion-anti-transgender-bills/70056189007/




[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Clutch[/font]



Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has a great new album out called “Sunrise On Slaughter Beach”, you can see them on tour through August 27th. Playing their song “We Strive For Excellence”, give it up for Clutch!



Thank you Hollywood! This was fun! We’re off to Paris next week for the real Top 10 300th edition special! We can’t wait! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Clutch Appears Courtesy Of: Roadrunner Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Hollywood Improv, Hollywood, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

April 6, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-10: Best Of #27: Sanity Plea Edition (official Top 10 #298!)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-10: Best Of #27: Sanity Plea Edition (official Top 10 #298!)

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! So how is everybody doing? Unfortunately we partied way too heartily in Vancouver, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t have fun, right? I know! But we will be live from Hollywood next week with the full Trump indictment / arraignment special! Fuck yeah! Come on, we’ve been waiting for this for nearly 7 years! But we will still be going to Paris for #300 on 4/20! I mean come on, do you know how much it costs to take an entire comedy show to Paris? And we make, well, Podcast money. We don’t make prime time after the Daily Show money, which really is where we should be by now! Ha ha ha. Oh and by the way, we’re counting this as edition #298 because there is some original material here (mainly Stupidest State and that’s it). But we’ve got some big things planned for the end of the season and for the start of season 15, can I reveal something? Well, remember way back in 2020 when we planned the What’s Up With Florida? docuseries that was unfortunately canceled because of COVID? Well, it’s a go! Yup, we’re going to be touring around the Sunshine State for the first 5 editions of season 15 to find out what’s going on in the state that could once again, mainly thanks to Fox, be at the center of deciding the next president of the United States. And let’s face it, Florida has gone hard, almost authoritarian right in the last few years. Also too for season 15, we’re going to debut our new segment Road To The 2024 Primaries! Because we have to know what’s going on, and we can’t sleep on it or wait for the problem to just go away. Plus we’re finally, after several hiccups in the last few months, going to debut season 2 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons! Plus we have a new source of clips as you could tell from our last Wheel Of Corruption edition. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to but first we have John Oliver back and his segment on artificial intelligence and ChatGPT is definitely worth watching:



Where do we begin in this Best Of Edition? Well from Idiots #13-11 – the alt right’s favorite blithering idiot candidate Herschel Walker’s (1) increasingly escalating series of blunders , the Christian right has accidentally said the quiet part out loud – which is that they want absolute power, and they don’t care who they stomp on to get it! In the second slot, from Idiots #13-14, the Chief Twit himself, Elon Musk (2) is in hot water again over his decision to make people pay $8 a month for the privilege to have a blue checkmark next to their name. In the number 3 slot this week, from Idiots #14-5, we take a look at some increasingly draconian anti-trans bills that seem to be escalating and one-upping each other (3) in different states around the country, and it’s getting really ugly really quickly. In the fourth slot this week, from Idiots #13-13, Clarence Thomas (4) blocks an inquiry into what happened when Trump tried to steal the 2020 election, because you know that his treasonous wife Ginni was most likely involved in that decision. Taking the number 5 seed this week, from Idiots #14-2, we bring back our segment “Good Guys With Guns” (5) to talk about that horrifying shooting in Alabama where a six year old brought a gun to school and shot a teacher, and it’s the stuff of pure insanity! But of course it could only happen in America. In the number six slot, from Idiots #14-3, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and conservative Christians everywhere are going into a full blown, 80’s style Satanic Panic over Sam Smith’s performance of his hit song “Unholy” at the Grammy Awards and we’re here for it! Taking the number 7 slot, from Idiots #14-1, our pop culture talking points segment “Beating A Dead Horse” discusses the insane feud between our old buddy Tucker Carlson (7) and Mars Corp, over Mars’ decision to make the green M&Ms character an outed lesbian, and well, it’s insane. In the number 8 slot, from Idiots #14-4, we have a segment of Conspiracy Corner (8) for you with conservatives still being obsessed over that Chinese spy balloon that appeared in the skies over Montana and the government not shooting it down quickly enough. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot, from Idiots #14-8, we have a People Are Dumb for you, because of course they are! And it’s one of our famous all Florida editions at that! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2023! And we have some exciting matchups for you for Round 1 Week 4! Over in the Batshit Conference, #3 North Dakota takes on #4 Arizona, while over in the Family Values Conference, last year’s champion #1 Tennessee takes on red hot challenger in #2 – Arkansas! We’re live from the home of the Sacramento Kings, the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, for all of the festivities! Plus to close things out, some live music from Bad Omens! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Herschel Walker
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #13-11

Every election, it seems like the candidates are getting increasingly terrible. Of course that’s what happens when one party is out for absolute power and they will nominate the doltiest of dolts because they know that a certain percentage of the voting public will vote for that candidate because they refuse to vote for the other guy. This election cycle we have Herschel Walker (Q – Batshit), who is running to be a Senator from Georgia. And really after watching all of the videos from the last few weeks, Saturday Night Live doesn’t really need to write any sketches, they can just reuse his lines verbatim. But this whole exercise has really shown what an insane, power hungry, batshit crazy cult the GOP has morphed into. They’ll put up with this deadbeat loser as long as he says what he wants to hear and bows down to their every evil move. And not only that, with the overturning of Roe V Wade, it unleashes a whole new era of Christian hypocrisy.





Seriously, this is absolutely fucking evil on multiple levels. And not only is it evil, it paints a portrait of a minority group of people who are out for absolute power. So remember that whole thing we went through with the overturning of Roe V Wade? Turns out that getting an abortion doesn’t matter as long as you speak MAGA republican and are running to replace a democratic senator. Not only did the Christian right show that they don’t care about abortion, they actually doubled down by holding a prayer breakfast. Yeah there’s a whole group of people who should probably lose their tax exempt status like immediately.





RIP separation of church and state. 1789 – 2022. You will be missed. It’s seriously beyond the pale what the Christian right are doing to this country. And this gets worse! So much worse! In fact this is one of those stories that we say is like peeling an onion. The more layers you pull back, the more it stinks, and the more likely you are to cry as a result. And for the sake of this piece, let's call it Mr. Walker's Home For Peculiar Children. Ha ha ha ha ha ha... nice job graphics department! So apparently if you’re keeping score at home, the Christian right does have exceptions for abortion. Those are that you have to be a privileged male who happens to be a celebrity who happens to be running for senate, even if said candidate is grossly unpopular even with the fringe base!





Yeah holy shit! So this of course has the GOP, Fox News, and AM radio scrambling to do damage control, because they want their boy in the senate. I mean really GOP, is this who you want to be a shining example of what you stand for? Oh fuck it, he is everything that they stand for – everything horrible that the GOP can do all wrapped up in one disgusting package. And they’re not getting rid of this guy even with three weeks to go before the general election! It’s absolute madness, I tell you. I need a vacation after the election. But Fox News always has an excuse for these clowns. ALWAYS. Move along, nothing to see here. Please disperse.






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
[br] [/font] [br]

From:https://www.democraticunderground.com/100217348662 | Idiots #13-14]

For those of you who are not familiar with Norse mythology, there’s a mythical being known as Surtur who is a giant flaming monster. When Surtur’s skull is placed atop the eternal flame in Asguard, it turns into a giant flaming monster that destroys the entire planet. Well, I’ve often compared Trump to Surtur, but now I think that designation might be more suited to Elon Musk. That’s right – he’s become a giant flaming monster that is ripping Twitter apart at the seams. Users are leaving, communities are being ruined, and it’s all because he feels the need to be Chief Twit. Well, Chief Twit is doing a hell of a lot of damage to the platform since he took it over. He’s basically turned the entire thing into a laughing stock and it’s going to get worse before it gets better. You know, it might be interesting to see who’s lost more money in the last two months by siding with right wing extremists – Ye or Elon? I think Elon might be the winner in this. Especially if his proposed Twitter Blue platform ever has a chance of getting approved and it will be a bloodbath!





So Elon, or Chief Twit, is the giant flaming monster that is destroying Twitter and his platform is losing big time. What is this? The Secret Life Of Chief Twitty? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Oh man another awesome one! But here’s the thing – even the advertisers are starting to worry! I mean come on, they endorse Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity’s hate speech every night. So what was the final straw to get them to leave Twitter? Well as Kanye showed, being a Nazi is bad for business, so it’s only natural that Twitter could follow suit.





So get ready everybody, Elon is about to do some ridiculously dumb stuff. And that’s not already in addition to the bloodbath that he caused earlier. But if you’re like me and you’re watching with sheer horror the damage that one man can do to a multi-billion dollar corporation like Twitter, you’re not alone. Remember that you can spend a lifetime or two building a business and reputation, and then some jackass with a wrecking ball can ruin it literally within seconds. It’s truly insane what is happening and don’t expect things to get better any time soon. But it’s also affecting Elon’s other businesses too, and it’s the stuff of insanity.





Yeah so Elon is basically Surtur for Twitter. You know what would make things even worse than they already are? Well you enjoy browsing Twitter for free? You soon won’t be able to anymore. Hope that doesn’t give any other platform owners like Zuckerberg any ideas! So while right wing trolls may miss their social media accounts, if they have to pay, they won’t be able to wreak havoc on social media for free anymore. Between Elon owning Twitter and Ye soon to be owning Parler, who’s going to be the bigger loser in the loser patrol? My money is still on Elon.






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[font size="8"]The GOP
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #14-5

So in case you haven’t noticed, the hate in this country is being amplified to unheard of levels. You know, a couple of weeks ago, we talked about some insane anti-LGBT bills being proposed in various states throughout the country (see: link:https://www.democraticunderground.com/100217610825 | Idiots #14-2] ). But now the war is getting very intense. And don’t think that we haven’t seen the end of this crap. And there’s a metric shit ton of anti-LGBT legislation being proposed in about half the country. You know I thank the highest of high gods every day that our founding fathers wrote that 2/3rds majority rule in the constitution. Because imagine if the Christian right and white wing sources like Fox News got their way on the issues and wrote hate into the Constitution? We’d be screwed. I mean the GOP can’t keep getting away with this and eventually we’ll rise up against them. Apparently nothing is too controversial or off the table for the Christian right ghouls. And the other thing we have to consider is just like death and taxes, these things are only going to get worse before they get better.





Yes, what the fuck indeed? We are living in unprecedented times, that much is true, my friends! And it’s because America’s most watched news network has way too much fucking power in this country. Like you ever notice that what’s being talked about on Tucker Carlson one night starts getting turned into state and local policy the next? It’s almost like Fox News is manufacturing legislation. Let’s take a look at this bill in North Dakota, which aims to actually fine people if they use a person’s gender that was not assigned to them at birth. This is some draconian Nazi shit here, folks!





Yes BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! But you know what we say about actions having consequences. We love to point this stuff out there here on this program. It turns out that the Christian fundamentalist Fox News agenda is grossly unpopular. Yes, the Fox Opinion Channel may be the most watched “news” network in America, but the people who they elect and the hateful and extremely discriminatory laws that are being proposed and passed have very unfavorable approval ratings. I mean seriously, naval lint and sweaty rashes have higher approval ratings. Just check out what is happening in Oklahoma thanks to a proposed law.





That’s a good question! What’s wrong with people? Well the problem is that Fox is a huge part of the problem and there’s really no solution to it. When Tucker Carlson has social media stochastic terrorist Chaya Raichik on, who became famous for doxxing any teachers who are in favor of the LGBT community and gender identity, who spews insane conspiracy theories about how doctors are mutilating children and that trans health care is evil, and the next day people start threatening to blow up hospitals and murder doctors (see: Top 10 #13-8 ), that’s a huge problem with no easy solution! And then there’s Florida. Seriously, Florida, what the fuck are you doing? Florida is admitting this wasn’t about kids at all, and are enacting some very potentially evil legislation that looks to ban care altogether. And you know that Ron DeShithead is going to sign this into law. The culture war was not supposed to be an actual war!






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[font size="8"]Clarence Thomas
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #13-13

It's time for another one of our patented (patent pending) Clips Without Context!



Dude, you do realize this is 100% going full Nazi here, right? And speaking of dangerous extremists, let's check in on SCOTUS!

We all knew that with a SCOTUS full of religious fundamentalist extremists, that it was only a matter of time before they went rogue, right? Well who knew that time would be now? As we were putting together last week’s edition, Clarence Thomas went full obstructionist and interfered with Lindsay Graham testifying before the Georgia Elections Board about interference in the 2020 election. George Carlin was right – it’s a big club and we’re not in it. If you’re in the audience, or you’re viewing this show at home, you know that we’re not in the proverbial Big Club. But there’s no mistaking that what Clarence Thomas did was a “do not fuck with us” kind of message – you know, like that infamous Brad Pitt scene in Fight Club. Yes, the lunatic right wing fringe that has taken over has devolved into their own real life version of Project Mayhem. Only a matter of time before they start destroying public works of art and trashing franchise coffee houses.





Yes the right, alt right, far right, and all the other flavors of extreme conservatism have gone into “do not fuck with us” mode. So why did they do it? Well for one thing it could have something to do with Clarence Thomas’s treasonous wife Ginny, who we’ve all established is a die-hard Trump supporter, founding member of and supporter of campus conservative group TPUSA, and she probably got paid some 6 figures from the Federalist Society. Yeah wait, what? Yeah that happened! Shit, give me close to a mil and I’ll happily do anything you say!





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Look before anyone points out that this story is over 10 years old, first off – the answer is yes, we know. And the second answer is – this story is back in the news because, since the overturning of Roe V. Wade back in June, it shows the kind of corrupt asshole that Clarence Thomas really is, and why we should have removed him from the court when we had the chance to. And you know what? MAGA conservatives can cry all they want about “shadow banning” (which isn’t a thing), but what’s a shadow docket? That seems like a fact worth knowing!





Of course it would directly benefit that asshole! It all comes back to him doesn’t it? Well, while the right plays a dangerous game of “quid pro quo”, conservatives are definitely taking the time to scratch each other’s backs while growing their cult and spreading their hate. So was the ruling on Lindsay Graham an actual ruling or was it a “do not fuck with us” message? We’re guessing the latter because conservatives are trying to escalate the conservative – democratic cold war into an actual war, and things are probably going to backfire on them big time.






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[font size="8"]Good Guys With Guns
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #14-2

“No matter what the situation, a guy with a gun is a guy with a gun.” – Michael Weston in Burn Notice

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents:



You know, Wayne La Pierre, the president of that most American of institutions known as the National Rifle Association has famously said that “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun”. But what happens when said bad guy is 6 years old? Yes, that is the conundrum that we’re dealing with. This incident just only goes to show you how completely reckless and stupid America’s “no frills” policy towards guns is. Like 20 years ago this would have been front page news. Hell, we had a gunman shoot up an elementary school and there were extremist fuckheads out there that not only acted like it didn’t happen, they heckled and abused the poor parents out of existence. Now people are just like “eh”, whatever. We’ve become so numb to gun violence that literally you could picture any scenario happening that you could think of and it would barely be a blip on page 4. Which brings us to this bizarre story out of Virginia. You may have heard about the 6 year old who obtained his parents’ gun and nearly murdered his teacher. Well, the more you dig into this story the weirder it gets.





Well you might be asking yourself – how the hell did a 6 year old get a gun? And the answer is easy – ‘Murica! What? Come on, I know what country I live in! But like I said, the more you dig into this story, the weirder it gets. And it’s also a perfect example of how the right wing echo chamber affects everyone around it. Like if the parents listen to Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson for 6 hours a day, don’t be surprised when the kids grow up to be gun toting neo Nazi incels. And of course take it out on the administrators. But you should never, ever question how easy it is to get a gun in this country, because you’d be a fool and a communist if you did.





Yes, how can that happen? The superintendent’s not the one who brought the gun to school! Of course this will bring about the usual debate of guns vs gun safety, nothing will get done, and our Congressional representatives under the NRA’s payroll will do anything to avoid the actual problem and make things worse, while simultaneously passing laws to make it easier to get guns and enough ammo to take out a small army. So now thanks to ‘Murica’s reckless gun laws, a 6 year old is looking at a life sentence behind bars for attempted murder. Insanity.





Yeah sure, blame the cigarettes! But ignore the actual problem: it’s the fucking guns!!! Now here’s where it gets weird. Remember what I said earlier about what the parents watching having an effect on the kids? Well guess what? It does! Because how could a 6 year old already be a violent psychopath with abusive behavior red flags? Fox News that’s what. If the GOP is so concerned about the health and well being of kids, they should stop caring less about drag shows and more caring about the violent content that’s appearing on Fox News every night. Because when you are fed hate, lies, and bullshit 24 hours a day, this is what you get. We’re really surprised this doesn’t happen more often in this country.







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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Satanic Panic At The Grammys
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #14-3

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we live in strange times. The social media era has brought about new levels of conservative nuttery that we’ve never seen before. For my audience members who were alive during the 80s, you all remember the Satanic Panic? It was when conservative Christians everywhere reported satanic abuse rituals. It was kind of the modern day version of the Salem Witchcraft Trials from the 1600s. It may have been started by a book called “Michelle Remembers”. OK, enough history. Let’s fast forward to the present. Last week was the Grammy Awards. Since the news has been replaced with conspiracy theories, people who speak MAGA wouldn’t know what a real musical performance is if it jumped up and bit them. But Sam Smith and Kim Petras may have sparked a new modern Satanic Panic movement and it’s the stuff of insanity. And the more you go down the wormhole, the weirder it gets.





Evil??? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! That’s a good one, Teddy! You might want to take a look in the mirror, because you are EVIL! You and your Christian right buddies! Because you do not stand for anything good in this world. You represent darkness! Your favorite president is the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But I do love that Sam Smith’s performance at the Grammys is causing conservatives to let their conspiracy theory freak flag fly!





You know what conservatives? If this bothers you, I highly suggest turning off Fox News and coming back to the real world, OK? But it’s not just conservatives, it’s the usual group of MAGA idiots and Fox News hosts that are sparking the outrage machine. But why are they fueling anti-vaccine hysteria too? Well it’s because Mr. Smith’s performance was sponsored by Pfizer. So yeah naturally link the vaccine to SAYTAN hysteria! Because you know that it’s the conservative thing to do. Sigh, you know this is going to get worse before it gets better.





Come on, conservatives, live a little! It’s just music! If you’re offended by Sam Smith’s performance, well I’ll have to tell you about this band called Twin Temple. Or maybe Ghost is more to your liking. But that’s some light satanism. You know what they say about the devil being in the details. Well, of course here, in my church, we’re pretty much for anything that would cause the Christian right to get their collective underwear in a wad. And of course it’s more culture war bullshit being brought to you by Fox News and Christian right megachurch pastors. You know what? I say let ‘em melt down. Just grab some popcorn and watch your religious right friends’ heads explode.





Well, like I said, just sit back and watch the meltdown! It’s fun to watch the Christian right be in hysterics over a music performance. Next week’s outrage du jour will be fun to watch too! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse:: Tucker Vs M&Ms
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #14-1



Once again, the right wing has their collective underwear in a wad over a commercial. And here’s the thing that we’ve been emphasizing from the beginning since we’ve been doing this thing. The right wing uses Fox News to keep us fighting over bullshit culture war issues while the Republican party consolidates all the wealth and power in this country. So why are they so bent out of shape over a stupid M&Ms commercial? Any Google search will tell you that the green M&M has been presented as female since the 90s – way before Fox News and 20 years before the word “woke” was a thing. But come on, conservatives, just admit that the green M&M is hot and get it over with already. This infighting over this stupid advertisement is getting way out of hand. Of course if you watch the Tucker Carlson show, you would know that the green M&M is a threat to the very existence of humanity because it makes the most manly of alpha males feel insecure! I mean really, dude bros, if your masculinity is threatened by a commercial for chocolate candy, you should probably take a step back and rethink your life choices.



https://twitter.com/Esqueer_/status/1613556569580490752

That’s a real clip by the way! We did not alter this in any way, shape or form! Damn, a bunch of easily amused second graders running Fox. Come on, conservatives, just admit that you want to sleep with the green M&M and get it over with already! By the way I love that our old buddy Nick Adams proposed that Mars manufacture an “all male” M&Ms packaging because I think he might be into that sort of thing. Fine if you are! But really of all the issues facing this country right now, shouldn’t we have more important things to focus on instead of fawning over which M&M is hot? Oh who am I kidding? It’s Fox News, of course they will attempt to distract us with shiny things!





Again, conservatives – let me spell it out for you. It’s a fucking commercial. For chocolate candy. It’s not something to waste time thinking about! But of course, you know how the conspiracy theorists tend to ruin everything they talk about. Well, guess what? The M&Ms commercial is no exception. Because it was, wait for it, a Chinese psy-op! Which we must ask the question – are you fucking kidding me? Do you even know what a psy-op is? Well,. I don’t, and I know enough not to make ridiculously stupid claims like this. Seriously, MAGA conspiracy theorists, stop talking. Now.





You know what? Just take a step back and imagine what life would be like if Fox News didn’t exist for a minute. Wouldn’t society be so much better without their nonsense and bullshit polluting the airwaves on a nightly basis? But come on really, imagine masculinity so toxic that you feel threatened because Mars decided to out their most popular character. Dude, it’s a 30 second commercial. You know what to do with it? Just watch it and move on. But there’s no need to really get your underwear in a wad over this nonsense. Really it’s time to end the culture wars, this crap is getting more ridiculous every week and it’s hard to keep up with all the plot twists!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Insane Balloon Theories
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So folks last week I’m sure you know where you were when you heard about the Chinese spy balloon that was spotted on radar! Well, naturally this is the moment that conspiracy theorists have been salivating about for the last 6 years. Because they are letting their conspiracy theory freak flag fly. There have been literally thousands of social media posts with some absolutely insane theories that are so off the wall they can be custom tailored to your preferred level of batshit lunacy. So here’s just a brief summarization of some of the crazier theories out there.





Yes, allow me to explain it to those of you who don’t follow batshit conservative nuttery. They wanted President Joe Biden to shoot it down. He shot it down. What more do you want? Well that hasn’t stopped the craziest of the crazy to continue being the craziest of the crazy. But the question that’s on everyone’s mind – was it aliens or was it “aliens”? Well the general consensus is that… no it wasn’t aliens. But the more that you dig down the internet conspiracy theory wormhole, the more you realize that yeah… it was probably aliens.





Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen! It wasn’t the aliens… but it was probably the aliens! But it might not have been the UFOs. Instead, let’s ask our old friend Marjorie Greene (Q – Batshit) what she thinks that the UFOs might have been. Well, apparently Rep. Greene went absolutely ballistic during a recent meeting of generals at the Pentagon who gathered to talk about the now frequent occurrence of spy balloons appearing in US airspace. Apparently they’re more than just spy balloons according to Marjorie Three Names. They could be so much more – they could be carrying missiles or even bioweapons like deadly viruses! Yeah, if you were looking to invest in stock, the time to invest in tin foil futures is now, because the right wing is going to be needing a lot of it!





Yeah probably! But that’s why we have Fox News asking the big questions! Like were the Chinese spy balloons the product of UFOs or does China have something more sinister in mind, like starting World War III? Well, we wouldn’t rule out the possibility that Fox News is attempting to start World War III, but they might just be heading to the crazy house. Really, if you thought you heard the last of this story, well, it’s not going away any time soon. The Fox News addicts and internet conspiracy theorists are going to keep this going because it’s good for ratings! And it may or may not have something to do with Hunter Biden’s laptop. It’s all connected, people! We’re just asking questions!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #14-8

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. The fact that we’re in the Sunshine State means that we must do an all Florida edition! You know before we go any further, you know we always give Florida a hard time, but that’s only because so many batshit crazy off the rails stories happen here that it’s almost insane itself. And we do a lot of stupid criminal stories, but not every People Are Dumb story is a stupid criminal story. But I do want to preface by saying that a good People Are Dumb story is someone who leads a freeway chase with a truck full of loaded chickens, because that’s just animal endangerment. Well, I want to start with this story out of West Palm Beach, and this is the perfect reason why People Are Dumb exists. So guy walking naked down the main street is enough to be crazy, right? Well even weirder when he adds some flat earth nonsense to the mix and some even wilder theories on top of that!





Next up – OK this is another great People Are Dumb story. Like you know how we always say that at the end of the day you really want to hear a story about how someone goes crazy and destroys a McDonalds because they ran out of chicken nuggets? Well this story out of Tarpon Springs is kind of like that. You know if you work at a coffee shop that’s called “We Spy Coffee & More”, you should probably, at some point, expect to get spied on. I mean come on, it’s in the name, right? But if there’s one thing no business should ever, ever do is put cameras in the bathroom. I mean come on, have we learned nothing from Chuck Berry?





Good question! Next up – this story comes straight out of Broward County – where a lot of our People Are Dumb Florida stories are based out of, it seems. I mean come on, are people putting something in the water supply in Broward County that makes people turn crazy? And seriously – what does one do with 70 bottles of lotion unless they were using it for a frat party like in Old School? Well, this happened and if you’re going to steal that much, you probably shouldn’t use a gallon size trash bag to carry out your stolen merchandise. Use a box, come on, people!





EWWWWWWWWW!!!! No wait. Yeah, Ew. Next up – speaking of drugs, one thing you shouldn’t ever do if you if you work for the Drug Enforcement Agency is get high on your own supply. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… right? Love me some Scarface! Rule #1: Don’t get high on your own supply. Rule #2: Never underestimate the OTHER guy’s greed! But yeah sometimes the cops are the criminals themselves and when that happens, it almost never ends well! Made even worse is that this guy was named the Federal Highway Patrol Trooper of The Year! I mean come on, people! This is a classic People Are Dumb story!





Finally this week – this is a classic Florida story that really has everything. Most people associate getting a DUI with cars. But in reality you can get a DUI for literally any moving vehicle. Doesn’t matter if it’s a car, a bicycle, a motorcycle, airplane, tractor, or in this case a boat. And this story comes out of the city of Cape Coral. And it’s got literally everything that makes a classic People Are Dumb story, and also a classic Florida Man story. And if you do a ven diagram between the two, you will find they have a lot more in common than you might think!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2023: Round 1 Week 4: Single Elimination Round
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, I don’t need to tell you that last week was one for the ages! Missouri shocked the pundits and sank heavily favored Texas to advance to the Gun Nut Conference Championship! And wow, what a game that was! Meanwhile, over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, Ohio hangs on to beat Wisconsin to advance to the next round. This week it’s the final week of round 1 and it’s going to be a hot one, as South Dakota takes on Arizona to play Florida in the Batshit Conference, while over in the Family Values Conference, last year’s champion, heavily favored #1 Tennessee looks to repeat, but upstart challenger Arkansas isn’t going down without a fight! We’re live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the fabulous Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, with all the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference: South Dakota vs Arizona [/font]

[font size="2"]South Dakota [/font]


South Dakota. They are a favorite in the Batshit Conference. They are dominated by the mountains, but among those mountains, they have a living, breathing monument to American history: Mt. Rushmore, which has become a favorite talking point of MAGAs as to whether or not to include a certain former president on there. The answer is no by the way. South Dakota is also home to a famous gathering – the Sturgis Biker Rally presented by Harley Davidson, which became a hotbed of MAGAs and internet conspiracy theorists during the worst parts of COVID. But what else is South Dakota the home of? It is the home of some next level insanity. Well it’s also the home of one of the most unethical governors in the country, Kristi Noem, who is in a hotbed of trouble lately.





So Noem stumps for that guy who we inexplicably used to call president and all the insanity and internet conspiracy theories he stands for. And by the way don’t expect anything to improve in the Mt. Rushmore State anytime soon. Because South Dakota is also a state that has been ruined by partisan politics and one-sided propaganda. Which of course translates into anti-education policies that will further deride anyone’s chances to get a good education. Yes, we can thank Fox News for that one as well. The reason why we can’t have nice things!





[font size="2"]Arizona [/font]


OK I’ve really got to admit that Arizona has one of the coolest state flags in the entire country. Arizona, the Grand Canyon State, the home of former senator and presidential candidate John McCain. Also the home of Arizona and Arizona State. The home of the Phoenix Suns, the Phoenix Coyotes, and Arizona Diamondbacks. It’s also the home of the Grand Canyon. But Arizona shocked the world by turning blue in 2020 and even bluer in 2022. But that still doesn’t mean that they’re not with their fair share of batshit crazy lunatics. No state is completely immune, even my home state of California. But Arizona is at the helm of yet another draconian book ban, which is another thing we can thank Fox News and internet conspiracy theorists for!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

This one is no contest, folks! Arizona has absolutely dominated the second half of the game here, and they are just totally thrashing South Dakota. For three… YES! And that’s all she wrote, folks. This one was a mercy killing! Final score: 89 – 75. Arizona is moving on to the conference finals to play Florida!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference: Tennessee Vs Arkansas [/font]

[font size="4"]Arkansas [/font]


Arkansas has long been a fan favorite of the Family Values Conference. For one reason. They’re home to America’s farmlands and slaughter houses, and there is plenty of land to go around. They’re also the home of such cities as Bentonville, the headquarters of a little corporation you may have heard of called Wal-Mart. But under new coach Sarah Sanders, Arkansas dominated the second half of the season in regular play. So is the new look Arkansas ready to take to the top of the tournament? Well Arkansas is going hard in on conservative idiocy and internet conspiracy theories. Like lost in all the news lately is this little number that new gov. Sanders pulled. I mean how do these people get elected? It’s true insanity.





Well yeah I wish someone would, because the freaks that are in the GOP just legalized child labor, so they’re clearly not looking out for the best interests of children. They just want people dumb enough to push buttons and not ask questions about the terrible working conditions they are being subjected to on a daily basis. Arkansas is also the home of creepy old white men legislating policy on who can use what bathroom, because in 2023, the GOP is once again being run by men whose brain age hasn’t advanced beyond the age of 6. 7 maybe.





[font size="4"]Tennessee [/font]


The Volunteer State were last year’s champions for good reason because their win and dominance over the Family Values Conference over abortion issues put them on the map. Tennessee is of course the home of the Smoky Mountains (as seen in the flick Inglorious Basterds) and also made famous as the home of bootlegging in the 1920s. The are the home of such universities as Vanderbilt and Memphis, and the home of Elvis Presley. But with all Tennessee has to offer, can last year’s Stupidest State champions look to repeat? Well under coach Bill Lee, the Volunteer State is about to enact one of the nation’s most draconian anti-drag and anti-trans bills. It’s absolute insanity what the GOP has turned into. The party of anti-freedom.





Pretty sure that’s live footage of Bill Lee watching the insanity unfold from the Tennessee governor’s mansion. And speaking of trans issues, the TN House is currently debating a bill that would flat out ban any marriage involving the LGBT community. Because remember that county clerk in Kentucky who decided to not allow a same sex marriage? Yeah expect that but much, much worse if this passes, and given that Tennessee has a veto proof supermajority, we can expect this to be a massive “fuck you” to the LGBT community.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Holy crap this one is going to come down to the wire folks. Tennessee dominated the second half, but Arkansas isn’t going down without a fight! It’s tied at 80 going into the final minute here. Tennessee with the ball and 10 seconds remaining… for three! IT’S GOOD!!! Tennessee survives and sinks Arkansas with a stunning last second 3 pointer! They will move on to face Utah!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

The Elite 8 is set! Florida. Arizona. Kansas. Ohio. Missouri. Montana. Tennessee. Utah. One of these states will win it all! Next week it’s Round 2 Week 1 which means it’s the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Championship! Ohio vs Kansas. One team will advance, the other will go home! We are live at the home of the Seattle Kraken, the Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle, with all the exciting action!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Bad Omens[/font]



Folks my next guest are one of the hottest bands in rock music! Their new album is called “The Death Of Peace Of Mind”. You can see them at the Sonic Temple festival in Columbus, Ohio on May 19th. Playing their song “Concrete Jungle”, give it up for Bad Omens!




Thank you New York! This was a lot of fun! It’s great to be back on the east coast! We’re off to Philadelphia, the PHL next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Bad Omens Appear Courtesy Of: BMG Rights Management
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Grammercy Theater, New York City, NY
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 29, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-9: The Man Who Didn't Know Much Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-9: The Man Who Didn’t Know Much Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yo!!!!!!!! What’s up, Vancouver? We're here and we're a day early at that! How are you guys doing? Doing fucking good? Great! Well this is our first time in the B.C., how about that? You know, we love our Canadian audience! And we originally had plans to come here in 2020, but those plans quickly fell apart because, you know, COVID. Well, anyway, as you may have guessed we had an accounting error. See, this week was supposed to be our big shindig in France. But someone doing the counting of all the previous Top 10s fucked up, and we had to reschedule. But that’s OK, the people responsible for this screw up have been sacked. Edition #14-12 is going to be our big shindig in France. OK, do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So everyone knows that Blockbuster Video is a company that has been literally hanging on by a thread for the last few years. There’s that one last location that’s still existing in Bend, Oregon for some reason. Hell, it’s so famous that there’s actually a Netflix series based around it. But Blockbuster is thinking of staging a comeback now. Yeah don’t call it a comeback! Great sound drop, BTW! That’s right – in the form of video game consoles. I’m a PC person, I haven’t played a PS5 yet. But do they still have physical discs anymore? No? Then what kind of games would they rent out? Retro consoles? Does anyone still have those? OK a few of you do! But seriously, is this the comeback we really need right now? No? I thought so! OK that’s enough of the intro. But first Stephen Colbert is back and he takes on Trump’s insane rendition of the National Anthem:



Where do we begin this week? Of course the item that dominated the news last week was of course that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (1) was supposed to be getting arrested and arraigned by a grand jury in New York this week, but since that didn’t happen, the conspiracy theories are flying fast and far, and of course our old friend Marjorie Three Names isn’t helping. In the second slot this week is the conservative GOP (2). Their war on trans conspiracy theories and hatred is becoming law, and they are getting weird, scary and almost Nazi esque, and we will present you with some of the more draconian policies – each more horrifying than the next! In the number 3 slot this week is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (3) and he had a rally in Waco, Texas (yes, that Waco) on the anniversary of the Waco massacre, and well, the right wing calls for escalating violence aren’t going away any time soon! In the number 4 slot this week is our old buddy, Florida Man Ron DeSantis (4) and Disney is fighting back against his hostile takeover and hosting the largest LGBT rally in the country at Disney World, while we show you how unpopular his Fox News inspired “anti-woke” really are! In the number 5 slot this week is our segment “Good Guys With Guns”, and gun violence isn’t going away, and the latest shooting in Denver proves why we really need red flag laws, but Colorado unfortunately has another idea. And you won’t like it. In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is becoming increasingly alarmed that churches are hosting TPUSA events, and well, if Charlie Kirk hosts a talk at your local church, you should definitely be aware of their after hours activities! Taking the number 7 slot this week is a new edition of Beating A Dead Horse (7) – should the embattled social media platform Tik Tok be flat out banned? After their CEO attempts to explain his actions in front of Congress, well, we take a look at both sides of the argument! In the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week our old friend Marjorie Three Names, in what is no doubt a publicity stunt to earn points on echo chamber talk shows, uses Congressional time to visit January 6th prisoners, because, well, reasons. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time, guys! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink”, and we’re going to need some pints of Labatt Blue, because the Saskatchewan city of Regina has rebranded, but their rebranding is the absolute stuff of insanity! Just change the menus, you’ll be fine! Finally this week, it’s time for Stupidest State 2023 Round 1 Week 3! This week it’s a Beltway battle for Fiscal Irresponsibility supremacy as #3 Ohio takes on #4 Wisconsin, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, red hot challenger #2 Missouri looks to unseat heavily favored #1 Texas! It’s getting exciting, folks! And to cap things off, we have the legendary metal supergroup Alter Bridge performing! Really, buy their new album “Pawns & Kings” or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Sigh. Another week, another Trump scandal. And it seems like they’re a dime a dozen. If you like spy flicks like I do, you know there was the famous one with James Stewart and Doris Day called “The Man Who Knew Too Much”. And then there was the 1997 Bill Murray spoof flick “The Man Who Knew Too Little”. If this were a spy flick, I would call it… how about… “The Man Who Didn’t Know Much”. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Nice one again! And you know that Mar-A-Lago is currently like some kind of fucked up Studio 54 for insurrectionists and conspiracy theorists. I mean come on, the people who were partying it up at Studio 54 in the 70s have probably retired now and moved to Florida, so it makes sense in a way. But the question on everyone’s mind last week was the one I was pondering literally every day checking my browsers on my various devices – will today be the day he gets arrested? Will he? Could he possibly? And wait for the answer before you boo.





Come on, why do you got to get our hopes up like that? We all know that Trump has committed some unspeakable crimes in his past and present and even since he’s no longer the Commander In Chief. But you really got to wonder every day what batshit crazy thing he’s going to say or do next. Look, I know that we’re all tired of him. I personally have had an assful. And no he not going to get arraigned any time soon. But the thing that pisses me off the most is that no matter how much we don’t want it, he got his name at the top of every news cycle. Cue projectile vomit.





Yeah that’s kind of how I felt watching TV last week. I keep thinking at some point we’re going to get him and his enablers and one day we’ll be able to look back on this and laugh. But it hasn’t been easy in the slightest to get rid of this guy. Literally everything he does is bad. And the more bad stuff he does, the more his supporters love him for it! it’s like we’re living in opposite world or something. The Man Who Didn’t Know Much is already out there claiming on Hannity he doesn’t know much. And really what would Trump be without Fox News aiding his every move? Nothing that’s what!





Come on, mainstream media! Stop getting our hopes up like that! Either he gets arrested or he doesn’t get arrested. Oh and by the way, the bots are already hitting social media hard and fast. If you still use Twitter or any other service like Facebook or Instagram, you may have seen images like this one pop up on your feed. I am here to tell you that’s not real. Hell, even that one of him getting down on his knees praying isn’t real. As if Trump could get down on his knees. But one thing’s for certain – there’s a lot of fake news out there right now and it’s going to take a lot to sort what’s real and what isn’t.






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[font size="8"]MAGA Conservatives
[br] [/font] [br]

Anyone who knows anything about World War II knows the age old Nazi adage “First they came for *insert group here* but I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a part of that group”. Also if you know anything about history, you know that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and it seems like right now, we might actually be repeating history. And not in a good way at all. In fact one of the worst possible ways you can repeat history. I feel like I’m living in Zelda: The Ocarina Of Time and an evil man has taken hold of the Triforce, and the world is going to shit. In the last few weeks, we’ve talked about conservative book banning measures, anti-LGBT hysteria, and much more. In fact the anti-LGBT hysteria is what we’re here to talk about. It seems like it is getting worse every day. And there’s no end in sight. Well, here’s some of the worst of what is being proposed right now. Hold your boos.





Holy shitballs. That is a stunning level of evil. There’s no line these thugs won’t stoop to, and no subject is too taboo or off limits for them. This is a group that if they got power back in the White House, they would use it to do commit some unspeakable crimes. The party that bans books is about to do some really evil shit. Oh and it gets worse. Check out what’s happening in Missouri. Just when you think the GOP can’t possibly get any more evil, new levels are achieved on an almost daily basis. There really is no bottom with these scumbags.





This is some straight up Nazi level bullshit. We had one Nazi party already and they nearly burned down half of Europe while killing nearly 16 million people. What’s this one going to do? How much worse is it going to get? Every day I wake up and wonder what fresh new hell conservatives are dragging us into today. It just gets worse whenever you open your browser and see the news. And Florida is even worse than that. This just gets more draconian and worse every single time some new news comes out. Who knows where this is going to end?





There is some good news though. I don’t want you, my Canadian friends, to think that this show is all about negativity, no sir or ma’am! Well there is some news that may shock you, but it probably won’t shock you at all. It turns out that one of the original authors of the original piece of legislation at the center of this whole Nazi anti-trans movement is himself in hot water. Gee, I wonder what the real danger to humanity is? Is it trans people and drag queens or is it Nazi conservatives? Well, the answer, my friends, may shock you!






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[font size="8"]Saturday’s MAGA Rally Highlights
[br] [/font] [br]

It really has been nice not giving Loser 45 a megaphone, hasn’t it? But sadly he seems to be ramping up his calls for violence. Like have you seen his posts on his social media hidey hole Truth Social? He’s stark raving off the rails batshit crazy. So last year we had a policy not to cover his idiotic rallies because they were basically saying the same thing every week and there wasn’t any news to report, other than how much of his supporters have turned into a death cult. The reason why we wanted to report on this rally this week is because of the fact that it’s hitting differently from previous rallies. Mainly because of the location and the date. Last Saturday was the 30th anniversary of the Branch Davidian Waco disaster in which a guy who declared himself a prophet went out in a blaze of glory after the FBI raided his compound. Wait, that sounds strangely familiar. But of course he’ll retreat to Hannity anytime someone says something mean or critical about him. Well, this whole thing was insane and here’s more.





I really hate to play devil’s advocate here, but I think that letting Trump pretend that he’s the president is much better than letting him actually *BE* the president. Because let’s think about this here – I’d much rather have him flying around in a fake Air Force One serving Big Macs than him serving Big Macs in the White House. He can go on Hannity and barf his brain all he wants. And his supporters can do… I don’t know, whatever the fuck this is.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1640141583432417282

Or this.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1640111384213225473

Or this.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1640030945834139649

Or destroying works of whatever passes for art in the MAGA world:

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1640030945834139649

Or this.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1639778170407616512

Wow, grilled cheese *AND* a free foot massage for $10? Mmmm…. Sounds like a health inspector’s worst nightmare! And we can’t overlook the fact that his decision to hold the rally in Waco on the anniversary of the massacre was a definite *wink wink nudge nudge* to his supporters.





Seriously, what the actual fuck??? He’s literally using his rallies to not only normalize what happened on January 6th, but to incite future violence. That is a stunning level of evil. And there’s no doubt that Fox News will instruct the MAGA base to get in line if he somehow winds up being the nominee. And if he’s not the nominee, we can handily expect that he’s going to burn this motherfucker down. He’s getting crazier and crazier and no doubt that if he’s arrested for anything, his supporters are going to go full Branch Davidian on whoever winds up making him take the perp walk.





Yes, no matter what happens, Trump is prepared to burn this mother down and he is not going quietly at all. In fact if you’ve been paying attention to the messages he’s been posting on Truth Social, he’s getting progressively angrier and crazier. I’m really surprised that he hasn’t had a stroke or a massive coronary at this point. There is no way someone can be that angry and be that big of a jackass and a violent lunatic and not have it affect him both mentally and physically. Lewis Black was right – good people die young and pricks live forever. But while this rally is the first for 2024, it’s not the last. And the Trumpers really are the “fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” party.






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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
[br] [/font] [br]

You know last week we talked about how Ron DeSantis’ insane, heavily Rupert Murdoch inspired “anti-woke” agenda is costing Florida big time. His book banning policies and war on free speech are grossly unpopular. But the question remains – will it cost him votes in the 2024 primaries? That is something that remains to be seen. In the last couple of weeks we’ve talked about how insane this whole thing is, and that he wouldn’t exist without Fox News. But now people are fighting back against the Murdoch Nazi agenda. There’s no mistake that Disney owns Northern Florida. And ever since DeSantis’ hostile takeover of the Reedy Creek district that controls and operates the land that Walt Disney World and Epcot Center are on, they’re ready to fight back. There’s a saying in Orlando that you don’t mess with the Mouse. Well, so with DeSantis’ hostile takeover of Reedy Creek in response to Disney’s response to the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, and Disney being one of the largest employers of LGBT people in the entire country, they’re doing this.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I love the South Park Mickey Mouse. But the latest round in the war between DeSantis and Disney is definitely advantaging Disney. In fact, I want to switch gears now and for the rest of this entry we’re going to talk about just how unpopular Ron DeSantis and the Fox News “anti-woke” agenda are. But the underlying problem here is that these megalomaniacs wouldn’t exist without Fox News dictating their every move. It’s truly insane how low they’ve sunk this country. One thing we’re learning about what to expect in the 2024 election is that without Trump, they don’t have a candidate to run, or a clue.





Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. But again therein lies the problem is Fox News. These policies exist because Tucker Carlson feeds terrible ideas into the people that watch that shit every night and they act on it, much like that scene from Full Metal Jacket. Only difference is that in real life, these people voluntarily watch Fox. And right wing bullshit is everywhere! But it’s no mistake that Trump is turning the GOP into a monopolistically competitive enterprise. And I really thought these were people who were morally opposed to tyranny. Nobody tell them what happens to tyrants!





Boy that escalated quickly! But this whole “anti-wokism” agenda that DeSantis has forced on the people of Florida is the stuff of nightmares. And it could backfire on them quickly. See, you in Canada, you don’t have the equivalent of Fox News or any of the crap we’re going through in this country. Look, I know toxic patriotism is everywhere and it ruins everything that it touches. But DeSantis could literally destroy the one thing that’s keeping his career alive – Fox News. That’s right, the right wing is becoming so “anti-woke” that it could cause them to destroy their own. Maybe this is what they mean when they say “go woke go broke”? I don’t know.



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[font size="8"]Good Guys With Guns
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“No matter what the situation, a guy with a gun is a guy with a gun.” – Michael Weston in Burn Notice
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents:



The NRA always says that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. But you know, as long as America keeps having mass shootings, we’ll keep covering them. Because whenever a mass shooting happens, conservatives will literally use any excuse to not do the thing that will actually save lives, which is to ban guns. They’ll make any excuse – whether it’s that doors need to be locked, or there’s too many windows, or someone could hide in the air ducts. You don’t know, you don’t know! Or the conspiracy theorists will make excuses, like cars kill more people, or swimming pools kill more people, so why aren’t we regulating cars or pools? A, not everybody can afford a pool, and B, cars are regulated. You need things like licenses and testing in order to drive a car. You don’t need those things to buy a gun in this country. That’s where last week’s shooting in Colorado comes in. Because had there been any kind of regulation, at all, we would have had red flag laws, which would prevent things like this from happening.





Yes, what the fuck indeed! Now here’s where it gets weird. Because you knew that it was going to, and that is that you know that the NRA is against red flag laws. This kid was already considered a huge risk because of his past violent behavior. You thought that six year old who brought a gun to school and shot his teacher was fucked up? Well this is just about on that level. This kid was 17. And he already had a history of violent and abusive behavior. And red flag laws would have prevented him from buying a gun, but because we don’t have that sort of thing in this country, we have shit like this happening.





Yeah that’s the fucked up thing! This kid was being patted down on a daily basis and he still got a gun through and was able to do some damage! And as we saw in last year’s horrifying Uvalde shooting, the problem isn’t that we need more police. The problem is the guns! So where are these proverbial “good guys with guns” you might ask? They’re nowhere to be found. As Uvalde taught us, you can have all the police officers you want. But they won’t stop the guy with the gun. You can imagine, the teachers and school staffers in Colorado are naturally scared and pissed off.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The teachers here make a good point. We need these things. But the right wing won’t allow it because the “shall not be infringed” message is way too powerful. The right wing has gone so far off the deep end that they’re currently circulating the bottom of the Marianus Trench! So guess what? America is so addicted to the firearm that this is what we’re going to have to deal with from now on. That’s right – they want armed guards at all of the schools in Colorad. I mean just… god damn it. This kind of shit should not be happening in the land of the free. I guess this is now the land where everyone is free… to get shot. SMDH. It’s the fucking guns!!!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: TPUSA Goes To Church
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! Now look, I’m aware of what country I live in. I know that America has been enabling the religious right for decades and they have only got weirder and crazier with each passing generation. We have some of the largest churches in the world. And I’m not sure if that’s something that we should really be proud of, and I say this as a man of GAWD. But when your churches own stadiums, then that’s a huge problem. And I’ve often said that you should be aware of your church’s after hours activities. There’s a group going around college campuses attempting to convert people to the side of the unholy, ungodly Dark One. They’re called TPUSA. And yes, they support the Dark One. I of course speak of a man so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! If TPUSA comes to your local church, then you should probably aware of what they are doing when there’s nobody in the pews. And as you can probably imagine, most of what they are doing is not what one would call good, even though they think it probably is.





Yes, do we really need Sean Feucht and his fascist authoritarian nonsense coming back? We’ve talked about him before in previous installments (see: Idiots #9-17 and [link: https://upload.democraticunderground.com/100215887800 | Idiots #11-9] ). And this is one comeback we didn’t ask for, and certainly don’t want. Because he is also a tool of the Dark One and internet conspiracy theorists. But when you peel back the layers, TPUSA has an almost certainly evil agenda afoot, my friends! And that agenda is of course racism and white supremacy, both things that the Dark One exploits!





Yes, that devil is of course the Dark One. And like all DEMONS, he has enablers. TPUSA is one of those enablers in question! And this isn’t the first time that TPUSA has been caught with their white supremacist pants down. They have a long, long, ridiculously long history of flaunting their racism out in the open. And look, we’ve been talking about white nationalism and particularly Christian nationalism lately because that seems to be where the church is heading. But what bothers me is that the right wing is touting their extremism as “common sense”. There’s nothing common sense about any of the things they’re saying and doing!





You mean Flanders? Ha! Now my fair congregation, I say that it’s important to keep tabs on what your local church’s after hours activities are. Because if they support the unholy Dark One, and they have white nationalist speakers come to their church, they are embracing fascist authoritarianism and all of the evils that the Dark One stands for! Which for that may or may not include SAYTAN, er, Putin. But my point is that it seems to be all connected. And that connection seems to be their infatuation with the Unholy Dark One himself! But this is why I say it’s important to keep tabs on what your church is up to when the pews are empty. Because they are most certainly up to no good!





Yes, folks, if your church invites white nationalists over for dinner, you can be certain that they’re not there to hold hands and sing Kumbaya! They are there to stir shit up and embrace the Dark One and all that he stands for! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Should Tik Tok be banned?
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Look when it comes to the internet, I’ve been around. I’ve been there and done that, so I’m at the point where nothing really surprises me anymore. Since the advent of programs like Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, and Twitter, it’s shown me that there’s no shortage of terrible people in this world. But then along comes a little program called Tik Tok, which has proven to me that there’s no shortage of awful and stupid people in this world. Which if you were to draw a ven diagram of the two, they’d easily overlap. Yeah, like that. So Tik Tok has been in the news a lot for various reasons, and none of them are exactly what one would call “particularly good”. Instead there’s been lots of talk of people just wanting to flat out ban Tik Tok. But believe it or not, this is one thing that both sides – democrat and conservative - are talking about. Conservative conspiracy theorists want it banned because it has ties to the “Chinese Communist Party”. Meanwhile, Democrats, those of us who live in reality, want Tik Tok banned because it poses a national security risk. But what’s the risk? What could both sides gain or lose from this ban? And does it really matter? Well it could matter a whole lot in the upcoming election.





Yes, that is a good question! What kind of shit is that indeed! But the question that nobody’s asking besides “should Tik Tok be banned” is “could Tik Tok be banned?”. It’s no doubt a freedom of speech issue and could be challenged in SCOTUS if the ban was upheld. And there’s no mistaking that since COVID, and also thanks to Alex Jones and other right wing sources going off the rails on anti-Chinese and anti-Asian hate speech, that hate crimes against Asian Americans are on the rise. So would banning Tik Tok just add more fuel to the fire? Well, there’s a definite possibility for that. But if we’re going to scrutinize Tik Tok for stealing users’ private data, well they’re not the only ones who engage in that sort of thing.





Now you might be asking yourself, if France can ban Tik Tok for recreational purposes, why can’t the United States? Well, in France they actually make a pretty good argument as to why Tik Tok should be banned and that’s their lack of cyber security. And come on if you’re going to do that, why not add Twitter to the list? That’s pretty much where Elon’s going with it. But this brings up another point that social media can be a powerful tool if used correctly. But as we have seen time and time again, people use and abuse it all the time. Just check Marjorie Greene’s Telegram account and you’ll see what I mean.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Yeah just go about your daily business while you’re aware that Tik Tok may be privately stealing your data. But here’s the thing, MAGAs, if you use the phrase “Chinese Communist Party”, it’s pretty clear that it’s easy to tell that you watch Alex Jones without telling us that you watch Alex Jones. But the one thing that’s perfectly clear in all of this is that if you ban Tik Tok, you’re going to have a lot of pissed off Millenials and Gen Z’ers coming after you. Because like it or not, Tik Tok is just as much a part of the social media culture now as literally any other social media site. You can ban Tik Tok when you pry it from our cold, dead smart phones!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Ah there we go! So folks, this week we’ve got a conundrum on our hands. Our old friend and frequent contributor to this program, Marjorie Greene (Q – Batshit) just never knows when to shut up. And if you’re unaware, that guy who we inexplicably used to call president also has been in the news a lot for calling attention to the terrible conditions our prisons are in. First off, here’s me not giving a flying fuck about this. But if we must continue, conservatives are currently having their underwear in a wad over the condition that American prisons are in, but really it’s their own doing. Because shocker – they don’t regulate anything. And when you don’t believe in rules, these things happen.





Yeah no, unfortunately as much as we’d love to see Boebert, Greene, and Gaetz take the perp walk in orange jumpsuits that they so richly deserve, it’s going to be a while before we see that. And of course you know that guy has to ruin everything. Even something as scared as our National Anthem. That’s right – he even managed to ruin our National Anthem. How you might ask? Well, it’s about as shitty as you might expect from him. Just a poorly recorded version of the National Anthem with a talking sound bite over it. Think of it like signing your name with a sharpie over a professionally painted oil on canvas painting. Oh wait, he did that too? Is there anything this guy won’t ruin?





Yeah thanks everyone, but who you really should be blaming through all of this is conservative republicans, who have enabled violent police and security guards,, for profit prisons, and given those people way too much power. It really is a classic cause and effect type of thing, but for people like Marjorie Greene and Lauren Boebert, who don’t believe in quality education, or education in general, they wouldn’t know that. But it appears that there’s a cult within the cult brewing in regards to the January 6th prisoners. Like it’s OK when it happens to other people, but not to them.





Yeah probably. I mean it’s like a broken freaking record with these people. But that’s what happens when you live in a bubble and an echo chamber, is that you only hear what you want to hear and everything else goes through one ear and out the other. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! It really is like Lloyd Bridges in Hot Shots isn’t it? With the MAGA cult, no matter how many times you point out that Ashlii Babbitt was illegally breaking and entering with attempt to murder, or Kyle Rittenhouse deliberately murdered protestors, they will never turn on their own. But really before they go to jail, they should realize that these wounds are entirely self-inflicted, and the real danger is them. But make no mistake that this was a publicity stunt designed to win points with the echo chamber and that’s it.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Which we make that rule, because there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now, and it’s best not to mix politics and alcohol, they go together like olive oil and vinegar. Well this week, since we’re in Canada, we thought we’d drink Canadian, because we need to talk about the Saskatchewan city of Regina. And their attempts to rebrand the city’s image and tourism prospects. So tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about Regina? Some Labatt Blue? Do you have anything stronger? Oh OK, some Crown Royal, I’ll have some of that! Maybe a pint or two of Labatt Blue for a chaser. Can’t be too picky these days! So here's the story is that the city of Regina attempted to do some branding of its’ tourism bureau and it didn’t exactly go over well.





Now there’s a dude who can drink some beer! But yeah you know, if you’re going to rebrand in that way, maybe you should, I don’t know, at least have a test audience before you go live with that product because otherwise it will come back to haunt you! Come on, even Deadpool made a joke about how Regina rhymes with Vagina. So what does the mayor think of this new rebranding attempt? Well, it didn’t exactly go over, what one would call, well. Because yeah, this is the kind of thing that could be grossly misinterpreted in the wrong context.





And yet somehow I don’t think that’s enough beer! But in all seriousness, how did you not see this one coming? I mean even Deadpool made a joke about Regina rhyming with vagina. And I love that they’re attempting to backtrack and call this a “misstep”. That’s absolutely hilarious. There’s no other way to take “show us your Regina” than what it means. It’s like those “don’t mess with Texas” bumper stickers you see next to a “Let’s Go Brandon” sign on your neighbor’s comically oversized F-350. Like they don’t know it’s a trash slogan. But eh, don’t tell them that.





Ah now there’s the good stuff! But what I love about this story is that even a week later it’s still being talked about. And come on, this is the internet and social media era, there’s no such thing as a take back these days. You can’t say something stupid and then expect to scrub it from memory. It’s not like we’re living in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Nice one! And of course with something as stupid as this, we may never hear the end of it. And they’ll probably keep apologizing again and again and again. And then again, like Jerry Seinfeld said – who are the ad wizards that thought of this one?






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, last week was one for the ages as Florida utterly destroyed #2 Kentucky to the point where they were showing off their skills like the Harlem Globetrotters. Meanwhile, over in the Family Values Conference, #3 Utah’s last second 3 pointer was enough to sink #4 Oklahoma! This week it’s going to be a good one, as it’s a Beltway battle between #3 Ohio and #4 Wisconsin for Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference supremacy, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, heavily favored #1 Texas looks to take out red hot challenger #2 Missouri in a chance to play Montana to take the crown! We’re live at the home of the Phoenix Coyotes, the Talking Stick Resort Arena in Phoenix, for all the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference Round 1: Texas Vs Missouri [/font]

[font size="2"]Texas [/font]


The Lone Star State is a long, heavily favored contestant in the NFFSA contest for some time now. They have a very storied history of owning the Gun Nut Conference. They of course are home to many sports teams like the Houston Astros and Rockets, the Dallas Stars, the Texas Rangers, and the Dallas Mavericks. They’re home to such universities as Texas Tech, University Of Texas, Baylor University, and Texas A&M, among others. But what else is Texas the home of? Well, for starters, Texas is the state with the highest concentration of school related shootings in the country, like no other state even comes remotely close!





So the question is – what can be done about it? Well obviously we have a long, uphill battle and Texas isn’t disarming any time soon. In fact, Texas is actively making things worse. You would have thought that with Uvalde last year and Texas’ no frills, anything goes policy towards guns, that shooting was dangerous. Shit, they had 400 cops on the scene and no one dared to do anything because the gun was too scary. The problem isn’t the police! The problem is the guns! It’s always been the guns! What does Texas do to combat gun violence? They reject gun control measures.





[font size="2"]Missouri [/font]


The Show Me State is another favorite in the Gun Nut Conference. Missouri is of course the state that’s been at the center of the Black Lives Matter movement since its’ inception. But it is the home to the janky Las Vegas, Branson. It’s also home to the St. Louis Cardinals and the St. Louis Blues. It’s home to such universities as Mizzou University. But what else is Missouri the home of? Well Missouri is also the home of a bill that would allow guns in places of worship! That’s right – guns in places of worship! Wait, aren’t the right wing always telling us that god should be allowed in schools that way mass shootings won’t happen? SMH.





Yeah that’s probably where it is going! But yeah this idea is so unpopular that even priests are against it, and they’re the ones most likely to vote conservative! I mean come on, guys. We live in the “shall not be infringed” age. You knew this was going to happen. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, so don’t act surprised. Oh and if you live in Missouri and you want to know which of your neighbors have a safe full of guns? Well too bad! Because apparently some republican lawmakers want to make background checks and identification illegal. Because, you know, shall not be infringed. I mean really, the reason why we can’t have nice things!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Well folks this is no contest here! Missouri has the ball with 1 minute left. Up by 10. Missouri for three… it’s good! Now a foul has been called! 35 seconds left… for one! It’s good! Two… also good! And that’s all she wrote, folks! Missouri is moving onto the next round, Texas goes home! Missouri has unseated the number 1 state in the Gun Nut Conference! Texas looks stunned! Missouri is celebrating on the court!

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Round 1: Ohio Vs Wisconsin [/font]

[font size="4"]Ohio [/font]


The Buckeye State is back for another go round! Ohio is of course home to such legendary sports franchises as the Cleveland Guardians and Browns, Cincinnati Reds, and the Columbus Blue Jackets. They are home to such cities as Dayton, Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati. But let’s face it, the real sports star of Ohio is THE Ohio State University, a university that is so associated with its’ sports teams that it actually attempted to trademark the word “THE” as a joke. We shit you not. But despite the fact that Ohio is home to some of America’s elite universities, thanks to reckless conservative “anti-woke” policies, they may soon be experiencing what’s called a “brain drain”, where smart people are fleeing the state in droves.





Yeah that’s unfortunately what it’s going to be like as long as MAGA lunatic conspiracy theorists keep this shit up. But southern Ohio has been in the news a lot lately. Mainly because of a rail transportation company called Norfolk Southern. You may have heard of them. They’ve been in the news a lot lately, and none of it is good. Particularly surrounding the devastating environmental disaster as a result of the train derailment in East Palestine. Yeah we’re really surprised these things don’t happen more often.





[font size="4"]Wisconsin [/font]


The Badger State is back for another go round in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference! The Badger State is of course home to America’s dairy farms, and there’s plenty of farm land out there. It’s also home to such cities as Green Bay, Madison and Milwaukee. And is home to such sports franchises as the Milwaukee Brewers, the only baseball team that’s closely related to drinking! They’re also the home to Milwaukee Bucks. But let’s face it, the real reason you’re in Wisconsin is to see the Green Bay Packers, and unless you’re a Packers supporter, you really want to see Aaron Rodgers fail because he’s a terrible person who regularly spouts racist conspiracy theories. But what else is Wisconsin the home of? Well it’s the home of senator Ron Johnson, a man who received $1 million in campaign contributions from the NRA to overturn gun reform:





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! There’s a Simpsons GIF for everything! But Ron Johnson really is a piece of shit. Like he’s everything crazy and vile about Marjorie Taylor Greene, but somehow even more evil. Apparently he’s part of the right wing nut job conspiracy theory caucus, that thinks that somehow the people who were being invaded in Ukraine were the actual Nazis. Like seriously, they must sit around and try to come up with the worst possible answer to everything, then the go on idiotic right wing talk shows and convince everyone that they have the right answer.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Here we go folks! It’s tied going into the last 2 minutes. Ohio has the ball… for three! YES! Now there’s less than 90 seconds left… Ohio again for three! Yes! Oh a foul has been called on Ohio! First shot is in… it’s good! Second…. Oh and it’s a miss! But Ohio is up by 7 with less than 45 seconds to go… and that’s all she wrote, folks! Ohio will be advancing to the Elite 8, Wisconsin goes home!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

We come to the end of Round 1! Next week is Round 1 Week 4 and in the Batshit Conference, #3 South Dakota looks to unseat challenger #4 Arizona, while over in the Family Values Conference, last year’s champion #1 Tennessee looks to take out red hot #2 Arkansas! We’re live at the home of the Sacramento Kings, the Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, for all the exciting action! Be sure to follow the Top 10 on Mastodon at Top10ConIdiots @mstdn.party for updated brackets and line information!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Alter Bridge[/font]



Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of the best hard rock bands out there. Their latest album is called “Pawns & Kings”. You can see them live through April 15th. Playing their song “Silver Tongue”, give it up for Alter Bridge!



Thank you Vancouver! This was a great time, we’ll be back again soon! So next week’s edition is going to be a Best Of, but will feature Stupidest State Round 1 Week 4. We’ll be back to our regular schedule on April 13th with edition #299 and April 20th with edition #300! See you in two weeks!

Credits

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 23, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-8: I Wanna Be Woke With Somebody Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-8: I Wanna Be Woke With Somebody Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooo! What’s up Miami? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Hey look, I’m not going to get arrested for making fun of Ron DeSantis, am I? Because that guy is a fucking nutjob and we’re ready to unload tonight! You know we make fun of Florida a lot on this show, but you know what? We love Florida. After all, Ron DeSantis is giving me plenty of material for the next several years! Oh don’t worry, we will get to him once we get started with our program. Also by the way, we told you on Mastodon that our source for all the wacky clips we bring you – Right Wing Watch – is back! And to celebrate, we’re going to be sprinkling in some of our patented (patent pending) Clips Without Context! First off, congratulations to Japan for winning the World Baseball Classic. And as an Angels fan, how cool was it to see Shohei Ohtani face off against Mike Trout for the final out? That was utterly surreal! And I’m sure it was for them too. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. So Broadway’s got a disgusting problem on its’ hands. And it’s mainly happening at the Shubert Theater – a favorite Broadway venue of New York’s elite and traveling celebrities. Currently they’re running the musical version of Some Like It Hot. Well, two celebrities happened to be in attendance – Hillary and Chelsea Clinton. The problem that the Shubert Theater is having? They have a serial pooper on the loose. That’s right – some guy pooped in the middle of the aisle during the performance. Now, the official policy here at the Top 10 is that we believe poop belongs in the toilet. This of course caused the right wing conspiracy world to go into overdrive, and we may have expand on this in next week’s Conspiracy Corner. But yeah that happened… hey stop that guy!!! Security!!! Whew. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of Timeshares, which are about as hard to get rid of as bad weeds and unwanted house guests:



Where do we begin this week? Well if I could sum up the entire week in question in one word, that word would be “woke”. It has dominated the news this week. So as such, our number one idiot this week is of course Ron DeSantis (1). Yes, the governor of Florida has been going off the deep end lately and we’re going to dispel some of his nuttier actions lately! And speaking of woke, in the second slot this week, we got to talk about how conservatives (2) don’t know what the word woke means, they just know that because Tucker Carlson said it, it makes it the most dangerous thing on earth. In the number 3 slot this week, is that former president’s hidey hole on the internet, Truth Social (3). Yes, the social media of choice for MAGA insurrectionists is under investigation by the DOJ for being a money laundering front for Russian oligarchs! Shocker, I know! In the number 4 slot this week is the SVB Bank Collapse (4) and guess what Fox News and other conservatives are blaming for the collapse, despite that it's an archetype product of conservative design? Wokism. That’s right. Sigh, this is why we can’t have nice things, people! And speaking of not being able to have nice things, in our segment on exponentially increasing corporate greed, Late Stage Capitalism (5), we have to talk about the feud between Robert Smith of the legendary 90s band The Cure, and Ticketmaster. Because Ticketmaster once again, reminds us how evil of a company it is and how much it is likely to fuck up your ticket sales! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week we have to talk about the 7 Mountains theory of Christian dominionism, and it’s back in the news this week, and it’s becoming self-aware, and that’s going to pose a challenge for anyone who dares to attempt to run against the cult in bright red states! In the number 7 slot this week, after a series of insane mishaps, we are profiling Tennessee Lt. Governor Randy McNally (Q – Batshit) in a new edition of This Fucking Guy (7). In the number 8 slot this week we have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, we have to ask the question “Is My Pillow Going Broke?”. Short answer: yes. But between Steve Bannon’s right hand being arrested and My Pillow begging for cash, conspiracy theorists are going to have to find a new outlet to spew their bile and garbage. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb (9) and as usual, whenever we visit the Sunshine State, we have to do an all Florida edition! Because Florida never stops bringing the crazy! Finally this week, it’s time for Stupidest State 2023 (10)! This week it’s Round 1 Week 2 and it’s a battle for Batshit Conference supremacy as #1 Florida takes on rivals #2 Kentucky! Meanwhile, in the Family Values Conference, it’s a fight between red hot #3 Utah against fan favorite #4 Oklahoma! We are live from the T-Mobile Arena in fabulous Las Vegas for all the exciting action! Plus to close things out, we have legendary heavy metal supergroup The Winery Dogs joining us! Buy their new album III or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
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Hey everyone here’s one of our Clips Without Context!



Well so much for separation of church and state! I mean come on really. These guys are batshit crazy. I mean are they putting something in the holy water there? Just asking. Now onto our regularly scheduled programming!

Folks, we’re here in the Sunshine State and we can’t help but wonder just how fucking evil Ron DeSantis is going to get. You know he’s out on his multi-state conservative echo chamber book tour, for his new book, which ironically is titled “The Courage To Be Free”, but his policies are promoting everything but, you know, actual freedom. In the last few weeks, we saw his hostile takeover of Central Florida’s New College, and Reedy Creek, the governing body that oversees development of the land including and surrounding Disney World. Which begs the question “how far is he going to go?”. And my answer to you, ladies and gentlemen, is that there’s no limit to how far he’s going to go in his quest to bring Americans the full fascist authoritarian experience. To start with, this is one of the many truly evil bills that are being proposed in regards to America’s transgender community. And it’s going to get worse, so much worse.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh and by the way, that’s not even the worst thing he’s done this week. You know how we’re constantly railing on internet conspiracy theorists on this program? We do so for a good reason. That reason is that we should be united and fighting against the real bad guy who’s trying to take over the world – Vladimir Putin, and his illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of Ukraine. Well, conservative conspiracy theorists are attempting to “please disperse” their way out of helping by siding with Russia and painting Ukraine as the country of Nazis and terrorists. Yup. Sigh.



You know that old saying about how a broken clock is right twice a day? Well, MAGA conservatives don’t have that clock. In fact, if you root for the MAGA people at this point, it would be like playing Super Mario Brothers, except in this version, you want Bowser to kill Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach after Mario rescues the princess. That’s fucked up. They never have the right answer to any subject, and Ron DeSantis is one of those people. But of course, conservatives are currently eating their own and well, Desantis’ insane anti-“woke” crusade would ultimately be the end of them.





So you know what? Fuck it, let them fight. Because while they’re fighting with each other over who’s the most woke, the competent adults in charge will ultimately prevail. Because while hate is more popular than ever, it’s actually losing popularity. But make no mistake that this is a man who is even more bloodthirsty than Donald Trump is, was, or could ever be. And his wars on education and private enterprise would be that much worse if he were elected president. It would be like China or North Korea with some religious totalitarianism thrown in the mix. We’re heading into uncharted territory here.






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[font size="8"]Conservative Anti-Woke Authors
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We’re 3 months into the year 2023. If this year could be summed up in one word, it would be simply “woke”. I swear to the highest of high gods that I have heard this word spoken or seen it typed about 8,342,545,252,101 times. And that’s a conservative estimate by the way. It’s everywhere, and like a bad weed, the more times you try to kill it, the more it grows back. Hell at this point, I’m surprised there haven’t been whole songs written about it. Like… how about “I Wanna Be Woke With Somebody”. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Come on, we can’t besmirch the late, great Whitney Houston like that! But what’s really scary about this whole anti-“woke” thing that’s been going on in far right states like Oklahoma and South Dakota and Florida, is that nobody really knows what the fuck it is. That’s what happens when you hate watch a heavily one sided propaganda network 24 hours a day like Fox News, it scrambles your brain. So if people like Ron DeSantis are writing this shit into law and are trying to run for president, could you at least explain what the fuck is going on?





Seriously, right? Like if you’re going to write an entire fucking book on the subject of “woke”, at least tell us what the fuck you’re talking about. The conservative spin cycle has been working on overdrive lately, and they’ll literally spin, twist, and distort anything to suit their sick, twisted agenda. This latest thing with everything being “woke” is no exception. And this wasn’t even a thing until last year because Fox News was mad that they lost their nightly Batphone to the Trump White House. Well, this whole thing gets weirder as you can possibly imagine.





Seriously! They couldn’t define what the word “woke” meant at CPAC! And come on, this term is popular with the young and hip crowd. And because kids are watching the same networks that their parents do, kids are naturally going to object to their parents using the term “woke”. Hey come on mom and dad, that’s our word for making fun of you! And of course when everyone uses that word, you know it stops being cool. But let’s face it, we all know that in certain context, the word “woke” can have a certain derogatory definition, and well, it’s the same tactic that the Nazis used.





Yeah maybe that’s how we get this whole “owning the libs” nonsense to stop. The parents should get in on it. But the parents probably watch Fox News too, so there’s that. But this whole exercise is among the latest in the conservative world of weaponized propaganda. Yeah they throw the word “woke” around a lot. And like most things that they are doing, it’s going to get worse. So much worse. But we also know that this is also an exercise in conservatives not knowing exactly what the fuck they are talking about. But we all know what they’re talking about – they just won’t say the quiet part out loud.






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[font size="8"]Truth Social
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Here's another one of our Clips Without Context!



Yeah these are the people I think of when I think of charisma! Come for the suave, stay for the white supremacist conspiracy theories! Back to our regularly scheduled program!

So anyone remember from way back in the early days of the Top 10, when the whole Russian probe was going on, that we used to joke about not talking about Russia if you’re under investigation for possibly colluding with Russia? Well, how can anyone possibly be shocked at the news this week that Trump’s Truth Social is a Russian money laundering haven? I can honestly say that I’m not! But as we’re waiting for news of Trump’s possible arrest in the Stormy Daniels case (and don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of material saved for next week!), this news got absolutely buried in the avalanche of stories coming out of Mar-A-Shithole. But while everyone is paying attention to whether or not Trump will be arrested this week for using campaign contributions to pay out Stormy Daniels, people need to be paying more attention to what’s going on at some of his other businesses!





Yes, that’s what they want you to think! I mean it’s truly crazy to think how much the GOP just doesn’t give a fuck about this sort of thing. Here we have a megalomaniacal totalitarian dictator in the Kremlin, who’s fond of weaponizing social media in order to destabilize entire nations, so there will be nobody to stop his illegal wars, and nobody seems to care! People are too busy being distracted by the shiny objects on Fox News and Facebook in order to realize what’s really going on. But the bottom line is that Trump is a career criminal and he probably won’t stop until he’s caught.





Yeah that’s pretty much Putin’s plan for Europe. But make no mistake that since the vulture capitalist disaster that is Elon Musk’s Twitter, the Russian trolls have been forced to retreat to the even darker corners of the internet in order to ignite the violent lunatics that populate it. Truth Social just happens to be one of those sites. Which is honestly not surprising if you’ve been following the MAGA clan as long as we have. So does this mean that they’re guilty of Russian collusion by association? It’s no secret that Vladimir Putin has been weaponizing social media for as long as he has, but this is the least shocking news in a while.





I mean how can anyone possibly by shocked by this? Well I mean those of us who aren’t brainwashed cult members. And speaking of the brainwashed cult, don’t ever, ever think for a minute that Russia is the bad guys, or that Fox News is a full blown Russian propaganda outlet. Oh no! The real threat, my friends, is us! At least according to that orange guy who we inexplicably called president for 4 insane years of our lives. Yeah that’s right, he’s literally pulling a page straight out of Hitler’s playbook and using it against us. I mean come on, does he really think we’re that stupid? Well, at least his people are. But nice attempt at a Jedi Mind Trick anyways.






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[font size="8"]SVB Bank Collapse
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Look here, MAGAs. I’ve heard the word “woke” so many times in the last year and a half that I’m about ready to throw my monitor out the window, OK? And not everything is part of your sick, twisted conspiracy theory agenda, OK? Actually the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank might be, but that’s only because it’s your own damn fault! You know how we got to this point? It’s forty years of ridiculous conservative anti-regulatory policies that got us here. We have these things called rules and regulations to prevent what happened to Silicon Valley Bank from happening. But since conservatives don’t believe in the rule of law, these things happen. But it’s like a broken record with this crowd. Or maybe it’s like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there’s just one degree and Kevin Bacon is a woke Marxist who is out to destroy America. Well, yeah it’s kind of like that.





Yeah so that’s really what happened. But if you watch Fox News, and let’s face it, if you’re here, you don’t watch Fox News unless you get paid to do so. And I mean come on, it would be an interesting job to monitor all the crap that gets said on Fox News 24 hours a day because they certainly don’t care about all the crazy shit they say. And of course, god forbid that someone have an independent thought that goes against the Rupert Murdoch Christofascist MAGA cult. Can’t have anyone speaking out against a cult. Otherwise you get shit like this.





OMFG. Tell me you watch Tucker Carlson without telling me you watch Tucker Carlson, Josh. The right wing is getting weirder and nuttier with every single passing day. They’ve gone so far off the deep end that they’re currently circulating the bottom of the Marianus Trench! For my geography challenged friends, that’s pretty fucking low! But they could still go lower. At least they’re giving America’s professional fact checkers plenty of material to work with for the next several years! But yeah of course Fox News has to go there and they have to ruin everything. And they have to twist and distort every single thing that happens in the news to their twisted agenda. It’s like a broken record with this crowd.





Gee, why did I have to guess that this interview was being conducted on Fox News? Like does the GOP really do anything else but go on Fox News and conspiracy theory talk shows and complain? Oh who am I kidding, of course they don’t. I mean god forbid that someone has an independent thought in that party, and they do love some group speak. That is one thing we know! But in case your MAGA friends and neighbors start spewing these talking points, you know where they got them from. Seriously, they don’t call it an echo chamber for nothing, you know! But here’s what really happened.






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[font size="8"]Robert Smith Vs Ticketmaster
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Here’s another one of our Clips Without Context!



Flat Earthers truly are a stupid bunch. So the sun is round, Mars is round, Saturn is round, but somehow the Earth is flat? GTFO. Back to our regularly scheduled program!

Gather around ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s history time! Come on, don’t be shy! If you’ve been trying to buy concert tickets in the post COVID-19 era, you know what a truly colossal pain in the ass it is to buy tickets to any major show these days. Like, case in point. In 2017, I paid $30 for floor seats to see Blink 182 and The Used at the Forum. In the post COVID era, tickets to see the Blink 182 reunion tour with Tom DeLonge, you know how much floor seats to their June 19th show at the BMO Stadium in Los Angeles were? $322 minimum, and that’s before you start tacking on the bullshit fees. Well, the history part of all of this is that back in the early 90s, Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam became famous for being the band to take on the corporate ticket making and taking machines. Well, compare ticket buying in the 90s to ticket buying in the post COVID era. It seems like people forgot how to handle large, highly in demand events. Well, the latest band to take on the machine is a little band that I like to call The Cure. And take notes, bot sellers and bot accounts, Robert Smith isn’t having any of your nonsense.





Look, Mr. Smith, I know you’re British and not from America. Well, in America, we completely deregulated capitalism. America has become a haven for billionaires, and we’ll eventually have trillionaires. Meanwhile, the average person (meaning you and me) are the ones who get screwed while the billionaires make off with all of our hard earned dollars. Late Stage Capitalism is a virus and it’s spreading very rapidly. Few have tried to take on Ticketmaster, and many have failed. But that’s what happens when the bad guys win and everyone else fails.





Seriously, Taylor Swift fans and The Cure fans are currently doing that same Spiderman routine, like yeah we both have that in common now! But whether it’s The Cure, or Taylor Swift, or Depeche Mode, or Blink 182, or whatever your favorite band happens to be, many are just waking up and saying “fuck Ticketmaster”. There's so many bot and 3rd party sellers that are unaccounted for, that it may take years and even decades to sort out this mess. Robert Smith may be one of the more successful artists who have been able to take on the Machine, but there’s a long way to go.





Yeah that may be the solution, start your own literal spite store! I mean come on, everyone knows that Netflix was started by a guy who refused to pay Blockbuster’s late fees. Maybe Robert Smith is the guy who needs to start a spite store to combat Ticketmaster! Well, it may be a bit more difficult than that because this was just a small victory in the battle against never ending corporate greed. The war is far from over. And this will keep happening again and again. And again. And those of us who want to see our favorite bands will have to bend over and say “thank you sir, may I have another?”.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, as I have said many times on this program now that we are currently living in some very dark times. And it’s all mainly thanks to the radical Christian right, who seem bent on going full fascist authoritarian in the years to come. Previously we’ve spoken about a little theory you may have heard of called “7 Mountains” (see: Idiots #7-7 and Idiots #11-5 ). Well, for those of you who don’t know what 7 Mountains is, it’s a theory that’s rooted in Christian white supremacy extremism that says that they must control the 7 areas of influence: family, religion, education, media, entertainment, business, and government. So basically everything. And also they forget that our founding fathers wrote into our Bill Of Rights, the idea of separation of church and state . But lately it seems that the Christian right is going full in on the systematic destruction of these rights. No, we don’t want to live in a fascist country OK? And we certainly don’t want to live under those who worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! And we definitely don’t need extremists like this calling the shots now, do we?





Look, you know I hate to keep repeating myself, but I have often said that when you play with extremist nationalism, you might as well burn the place down. These people are evil. And you wonder why they’re called a cult? Well I will tell you why, my fair congregation. Is because it’s all connected. Far right psychopaths, insane Congressional representatives, even crazier local representatives. Like what would these insane lunatics do if social media didn’t give them a megaphone? Well I will tell you I would be much happier knowing a lot of these people didn’t walk among us!





No it’s not rock and roll. It’s hate and white nationalism, but rock and roll it definitely is not! Because these are people who don’t like any kind of fun, and god forbid that you dare speak out against the cult or the absolute insanity that they are building up to. But you should also be aware of what your local church’s after hours activities are. Because if they invite TPUSA over for an event, you know they are not on the side of good. They are on the side of the unholy Dark One, and they should immediately lose their tax exempt status.





Yes, Charlie, like we need your opinion on everything! And there’s nothing that worshippers of the Dark One won’t do to twist and mold everything into their disgusting agenda. 7 Mountains and Christian Nationalist ideals are very dangerous. And if you’re playing with them, you might as well be playing with fire and burn the whole damn place to the fiery ground! But you can’t keep a good troll down, and no matter how many times you tell them “no”, they will still continue to defy your bidding, because that’s apparently GAWD’s rule now, to be the bigger loud mouthed jackass than the next person! Which of course I refer to our old buddy Sean Feucht and his nonsense is coming back, and that’s something we didn’t ask for!





No, Sean, we don’t need your bullshit nonsense back. And we definitely don’t need any 7 Mountains government officials participating in this crap either. This is why we can’t have nice things, people! I can’t even. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Randy McNally
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Well look! It’s another one of our Clips Without Context!



Trying and failing. Hell, I think Brain from Pinky And The Brain has a more successful rate of trying to take over the world at this point. No one wants religious totalitarianism. We want freedom. Back to our regularly scheduled program!



This week’s This Fucking Guy is Tennessee Lt. Governor Randy McNally. Look, after the last week, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to have our elected officials on social media 24 hours a day. Because you get shit like what McNally has done. And Ronnie Jackson. And Majrorie Taylor Greene. And Paul Gosar. And Lauren Boebert. And Sarah Sanders. And the list goes on. But this latest stunt may top them all. In the six plus years we’ve been doing this. As the right wing, in bright red states like Tennessee, Florida, and Alabama are working to ban drag shows and police human thought that wasn’t manufactured by Rupert Murdoch, the right wing is in fact pulling out all of the stops. Yes, phrasing. Thank you, sir. But this latest story also begs the question – what if the religious right stopped making sex so taboo in society? We’ve pointed out in the past how much the radical religious right likes to get their freak on when the cameras aren’t rolling, and they’re the ones who are the most vocal and most obnoxious about it. So that may be the solution to all of our problems. Well, maybe not all, but a large majority of them. But in the Bible Belt, we do know that sex reigns supreme!





You know here’s a thing about social media that needs to be said to the MAGAs. A little rule, if you will for this segment. People can see what you like! See this tab on Twitter? It’s called “likes” and it can show what your like history is. So if you’re an elected official, maybe you shouldn’t use your government business account to post personal information! If you like gay porn or a video featuring white supremacists and neo nazis, people can see that shit! And it’s made even worse if you’re an elected representative. Social media companies are private enterprises too, and they have rules, you know.





Yeah I thought that I had been there and done that when it came to the internet, and I had no idea what a “thirst trap” was. Apparently a “thirst trap” is when you post a revealing photo of yourself that’s meant to illicit likes. But this definitely paints the picture of a Christian right troll – because as we’ve often said, we know that the radical Christian right likes to get their freak on when the cameras aren’t rolling. Netflix made an entire documentary about this (see: Idiots #13-15 ). And of course with the social media era, there’s no such thing as an off switch.





So here’s the thing, my fellow social media trolls – if you’re going to like something frequently that may be considered controversial, maybe don’t use your official government account to like those things. I mean, yeah we know about Marjorie Greene’s insanity, it’s very well documented. But another thing we have learned about the right – you can’t keep a good social media troll down. Like they can’t stand it not to be without their toys, much like the spoiled kid who cries to his mom in Target because he’s not getting a new toy until she breaks down and buys him one. Don’t worry though, he’ll be back.





That’s Tennessee Lt. Governor, professional shit poster, and semi-professional “thirst trapper” Randy McNally, this week’s:






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Ah there we go! This week, my friends, in one of the darkest corners of the internet is Mike Lindell’s social media site, Frank Speech TV.com, which is one of the most batshit crazy things on the internet. Of course there’s where you will find Steve Bannon and Marjorie Three Names barfing their brains on whatever crazy thing they can spout that comes out of their brain. You know what they say, come for the cheap pillows, stay for the religious conspiracy theory indoctrination! But last week – Mr. Creepy Pillow Man himself revealed that he may have well, overspent in his efforts to combat the non-existent election fraud.





Yeah so here’s the thing, my fellow tin foil hatters – if you spend a shit ton of money chasing something that turns out to be a lie, maybe, I don’t know, stop chasing that thing! Thank you! But of course, one thing we’ve learned following the MAGA party as long as we have is that it’s never their fault. It’s always someone else’s fault. Or it didn’t happen. Or it’s a false flag. Or their wallet is in their other pants. But the bottom line is that My Pillow has lost, to use technical accounting terminology, a metric fuck ton of money. But once again, grifters gotta grift!





Good question! Not entirely sure, but I’m sure that the janky Amazon probably sells something of that nature. But as we have said, the recent news surrounding the embattled Minnesotan drug addicted pillow salesman, is that Frank Speech TV is also home to Steve Bannon’s show, called, ironically, Steve Bannon’s War Room. Which is basically just Bannon spending hours on Zoom chats with his guests just barfing their brains on whatever subject comes to mind. Now I don’t mean to put two and two together, but our mutual acquaintance may be in some big trouble in the foreseeable future.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is some next level crazy there! Well, so how does the right wing do it? How do they fall for scammers and con artists and hucksters and grifters every single time? You would think at some point they’d wise up and realize that they’ve been had. But no, that’s what happens when their favorite president loves to court the poorly educated. So the bad guys bilk people out of millions and potentially billions of dollars. So that’s one thing that Steve Bannon and Mike Lindell have in common – they’re all about that sweet, sweet grifting money.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. The fact that we’re in the Sunshine State means that we must do an all Florida edition! You know before we go any further, you know we always give Florida a hard time, but that’s only because so many batshit crazy off the rails stories happen here that it’s almost insane itself. And we do a lot of stupid criminal stories, but not every People Are Dumb story is a stupid criminal story. But I do want to preface by saying that a good People Are Dumb story is someone who leads a freeway chase with a truck full of loaded chickens, because that’s just animal endangerment. Well, I want to start with this story out of West Palm Beach, and this is the perfect reason why People Are Dumb exists. So guy walking naked down the main street is enough to be crazy, right? Well even weirder when he adds some flat earth nonsense to the mix and some even wilder theories on top of that!





Next up – OK this is another great People Are Dumb story. Like you know how we always say that at the end of the day you really want to hear a story about how someone goes crazy and destroys a McDonalds because they ran out of chicken nuggets? Well this story out of Tarpon Springs is kind of like that. You know if you work at a coffee shop that’s called “We Spy Coffee & More”, you should probably, at some point, expect to get spied on. I mean come on, it’s in the name, right? But if there’s one thing no business should ever, ever do is put cameras in the bathroom. I mean come on, have we learned nothing from Chuck Berry?





Good question! Next up – this story comes straight out of Broward County – where a lot of our People Are Dumb Florida stories are based out of, it seems. I mean come on, are people putting something in the water supply in Broward County that makes people turn crazy? And seriously – what does one do with 70 bottles of lotion unless they were using it for a frat party like in Old School? Well, this happened and if you’re going to steal that much, you probably shouldn’t use a gallon size trash bag to carry out your stolen merchandise. Use a box, come on, people!





EWWWWWWWWW!!!! No wait. Yeah, Ew. Next up – speaking of drugs, one thing you shouldn’t ever do if you if you work for the Drug Enforcement Agency is get high on your own supply. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… right? Love me some Scarface! Rule #1: Don’t get high on your own supply. Rule #2: Never underestimate the OTHER guy’s greed! But yeah sometimes the cops are the criminals themselves and when that happens, it almost never ends well! Made even worse is that this guy was named the Federal Highway Patrol Trooper of The Year! I mean come on, people! This is a classic People Are Dumb story!





Finally this week – this is a classic Florida story that really has everything. Most people associate getting a DUI with cars. But in reality you can get a DUI for literally any moving vehicle. Doesn’t matter if it’s a car, a bicycle, a motorcycle, airplane, tractor, or in this case a boat. And this story comes out of the city of Cape Coral. And it’s got literally everything that makes a classic People Are Dumb story, and also a classic Florida Man story. And if you do a ven diagram between the two, you will find they have a lot more in common than you might think!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2023: Single Elimination Round Week 2
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Let’s do one final clip this week!



Yeah so is buying anything that Jim Bakker sells you. I mean who needs 13 gallons of industrial grade mac and cheese? Seriously, marketing to doomsday preppers has got to be a racket. SMH. Now it’s time for Stupidest State!

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Folks, Stupidest State 2023 Round 1 Week 1 is officially in the books! Last week, it was a nail biter as Kansas edged out Nevada to take the lead in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. While over in the Gun Nut Conference, Montana shot their way to the top against Idaho to advance to the Elite 8! This week it’s going to be a good one, as Kentucky battles red hot Florida for Batshit Conference supremacy, while over in the Family Values Conference, it’s #3 Utah is taking on #4 Oklahoma for a shot to advance to the Elite 8! We’re live at the home of the Las Vegas Golden Knights, the fabulous T-Mobile Arena on the Las Vegas Strip for all the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference: Florida Vs. Kentucky [/font]

[font size="2"]Florida [/font]


Everyone knows the Sunshine State. They are the home of many sports teams such as the Tampa Bay Lighting and Rays, and the Miami Marlins and Heat. And universities, namely the Florida Gators and the Miami Hurricanes, and some of the best beaches and beautiful women in the world. It’s also home to Donald Trump’s mega mansion Mar-A-Lago and also to the Walt Disney World Resort & Epcot Center, which as you know, is currently under control of the state. That’s right – Florida’s governor is Ron DeSantis, who has been in the news an awful lot lately. And none of it is particularly flattering for him, but you know what they say – even the worst news gets your name in the news!





Is there anything these creeps won’t just flat out lie about? They lie about everything. One thing that DeSantis is not lying about is that he’s a bloodthirsty tyrant who’s out for absolute power. In the last few weeks we’ve seen him take over Disney’s governing body Reedy Creek and Central Florida’s New College, and he’s not stopping there! Oh no, my friends! In fact he’s plotting to take over the world and he wants America’s help to do so! So what does he want with his own private army? Well… this is something that could go incredibly wrong very quickly!





[font size="2"]Kentucky [/font]


Kentucky. What is there to say about the Blue Grass State that hasn’t been said already. Kentucky is home to some absolutely beautiful scenery. It’s also home to bourbon country, of course Blue Grass music, and the Kentucky Derby. Its’ signature food is the Kentucky Hot Brown, which is basically a turkey sandwich covered in mornay sauce and topped with bacon, tomato, and more cheese. Yeah it’s a heart attack on bread. Kentucky is also home to Louisville and University Of Kentucky – two schools who won’t be making it to this year’s Sweet 16. But the state that keeps electing Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell also has it’s own share of problems.





Yeah there’s some dark money involved in this country right now. Time to figure out where it’s coming from! Louisville is also home to another religious business that thinks that it’s above the law. That’s right, just like Colorado’s Christian cake maker, Kentucky has its’ own problem with a religious business that thinks that it’s above the law. Really which begs the question – is there only one wedding photographer in the entire state of Kentucky? Seriously, stop patronizing these people!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Come on, was there any doubt about this one? Florida utterly routs Kentucky to advance to the next round. In fact they’re so far ahead of Kentucky that their players are performing Harlem Globetrotters style stunts. And that’s all she wrote! Final score – 88 – 63. Florida will advance, Kentucky goes home!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference: Utah Vs. Oklahoma [/font]

[font size="4"]Utah [/font]


This is the first time Utah is in this tournament and for good reason! They narrowly edged out fan favorite Indiana for a spot in this year’s tournament! The Beehive State is home to some gorgeous scenery and some of the best skiing in the entire country. It’s also home to the godfather of all small town film festivals - Park City Film Festival – a place where stars go to be seen and new films go to get sold and applauded for 25 minutes after the film ends. I mean, seriously, how long can people clap? Well what else is Utah the home of? Utah is also the home of the Mormon Church, and also it’s famously the home of polygamy! That’s right – you can have 7 wives, but that’s not exactly what one would call “legal”.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Utah is also the home of some good ol’ fashioned right wing authoritarianism! That’s right – the right wing battle with trans conspiracy theories is coming to a state near you! And the hate is only going to get worse. But this certainly isn’t an isolated incident – there’s this type of humiliation happening all over the country. If you want to stop the problem, stop the source – Fox News. But this type of thing is fucking evil and it’s not going away. Does everything have to be a conspiracy with these fucking morons? Probably.





[font size="4"]Oklahoma [/font]


The Sooner State is back for another go round in the tournament! The Sooner State is home to some of the craziest high school and college football in the entire country with dueling universities Oklahoma and Oklahoma State battling it out for superiority every year. But in terms of family values, Oklahoma’s got it all, no matter what your preferred flavor of batshit crazy conservativism is. Whether it’s racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, the Sooner State has it all! And one of the things that Oklahoma is known for? Prisons! And also racism! So what happens when you combine the two? Well you get a security guard who was using some white supremacists as his own personal army! But hey you know, won’t somebody please think of the children?





Nah, I’d say if anything they have too much Jesus! But the Family Values Conference is extremely competitive and has been since the horrifying and deliberate overturning of Roe V. Wade last year and the Christian right isn’t stopping there. In fact they’re just getting started. Because the Christian right is currently being controlled by Satan, and they have some utterly satanic laws that are coming down the pike in store for us. Because when you vote with family values in mind, you’re not getting any actual family values. You’re getting shit like this.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh man was this a close one! We’re down to the last minute here… Utah has the ball! For three… it’s good!!!! Oh a foul has been called with 20 seconds left! Shot number one… it’s in! Shot number two… and it’s also good! And that’s all she wrote, folks! Utah sinks Oklahoma in a nail biter, final score 91 – 87! Utah moves on to the Elite 8, Oklahoma goes home!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

It’s Round 1 Week 3! And it’s a battle for who can go for broke in the Beltway in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference showdown as #3 Ohio takes on #4 Wisconsin! Meanwhile, it’s a battle of Gun Nut Conference heavyweights as #1 Texas takes on red hot #2 Missouri! We're live at the home of the Phoenix Coyotes, the Talking Stick Resort Arena, in Glendale, Arizona for all the exciting 1st round action! The Elite 8 is shaping up, folks! Be sure to follow top10conidiots @ mstdn.party for updated brackets and stats!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]The Winery Dogs[/font]

Folks, my next guest is a legendary heavy metal supergroup. Their latest album is called III. You can see them on tour through May 25th! Playing their song "Xanadu", give it up for the Winery Dogs!



Thank you Miami! This was fun! We’re going to Vancouver, Canada next for our Canadian edition! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Miami Improv, Miami, FL
The Winery Dogs Appear Courtesy Of: Three Dog Music, LLC.
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Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Research: Top 10 Research Department
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Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 16, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-7: We Don't Need No Sex Education Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-7: We Don't Need No Sex Education Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Washington, DC, how you all doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It’s good to back in the nation’s Capital, while it’s still under democratic control! I don't know if you saw our announcement or not, but it looks like our big shindig in France is going to get rescheduled. That's right - the edition that will be airing on 3/30 is not the true edition #300. That is being saved for 4/20. It gives us time to regroup though. And we will be canceling our 4/6 edition and replacing it with a Best Of because of a travel delay and I don't feel like we can bring you the full, proper Idiots that you know and love. But don’t worry – it will not be affecting Stupidest State because Round 1 Week 4 will still go on as scheduled! Enough Top 10 business. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! We got to talk about voting for a minute. You know it’s every American’s civic duty to vote, and I’m sure that everyone in this audience does their part every year. I mean come on, we’re here in Washington DC, our nation’s capitol. But you know who didn’t vote? Paris Hilton. Now look, unless it’s something absolutely batshit insane we generally don’t talk about reality TV stars but this one we did feel that we had to break our rules a bit. Because what Paris Hilton did, even if it’s on accident, was expose exactly what the fuck is wrong with our electoral system: people don’t vote. I mean yeah in 2016, we had the most qualified person to ever be president in arguably American history, and we had a guy who sold shitty steaks through the fucking Sharper Image. And that guy won. So people, just go vote, that’s all I’m saying! Vote like your life depends on it, because it just might! OK, that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first, John Oliver touches on That Asshole Nigel Farage (although the real segment is absolutely batshit crazy) :

&t=16s

Where do we begin this week? There are many ways we could go, but taking the number one slot is Fox News (1). Yes, the “We Report, You Decide” network is in some extremely hot water because of the lawsuit coming from Dominion Voting Systems, and we will definitely be here for the systematic destruction of that terrible network! And speaking of that terrible network, the second slot this week is Tucker Carlson (2). That’s right – ol’ Tucker is in a heaping helping of trouble after he grossly and intentionally misinterpreted the footage from January 6th as a harmless vacation, and wait until you see how fast republicans try to change the subject! Taking the third slot this week is the House Oversight Committee (3). Yes, the Oversight Committtee had a vote on whether or not to denounce white nationalism and the controversial “Great Replacement” theory, and guess what? ALL 26 republicans unanimously voted no, in a not at all shocking move! Taking the number 4 slot this week is our old friend Lauren Boebert. Yes, the poster child for why we need sex education is railing against sex education, after announcing that she’s going to be a grandma at 36! Don’t be too proud of that! In the number 5 slot this week is highlights from the annual clusterfuck known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC, which is basically just a glorified Trump rally. Though his popularity is definitely dwindling. HUGE CROWD SIZES! BIG, the biggest! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, our resident pastor is dumbfounded that the religious right’s war on drag queens has turned into a literal holy war and a full blown, 80’s style Satanic Panic! Hey, wait until they find out about the Catholic Church! In the number 7 slot this week, we have a new edition of “This Fucking Guy” (7) and this week we’re going to profile Fox contributor, anti-“woke” crusader, and last place presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy. This guy is crazy! And speaking of crazy, in the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week we’re going to be taking a look at some of the more ridiculous things that our old friend Marjorie Three Names has been saying lately, and it’s some crazy shit. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) this week is a new “I Need A Drink” and this once again firms our stance that social media is going to kill us all, and the latest Tik Tok challenge involves college students drinking a drink called a “Borg” – which is basically just a big ass gallon of pure alcohol and is sending kids to the emergency room in record numbers. Come on people, you have to earn that level of drunkenness! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State! This week it’s Round 1 Week 1 and over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, it’s a Beltway battle between #3 Ohio and #4 Wisconsin, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Montana is bringing their big guns to the dance against #4 Idaho! We’re live in Los Angeles at the fabulous BMO Stadium with all the festivities! Plus to close things out, we’ve got live music from our good friends Anti-Flag! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Fox News
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Fox News. You know them as the “We Report, You Decide” network. It’s more like “You will think what we tell you to think and anyone who dares to speak out against us will get sent to Sea Org.”. Oh wait, that’s Scientology. But Fox News isn’t really that far off from being its’ own religion. I mean we’ve talked about it being an addiction in the past. I personally know people who watch it 24 hours a day on like multiple TVs in the house. So of course they’re doing their best to play the “nothing to see here, please disperse” card when it comes to what happened on January 6th. In our last edition, we talked about how evil and stupid it was that Kevin McCarthy basically gave Tucker Carlson a blank check in the form of 40,000 hours of unaired footage from the Capitol riots. But of course, with the GOP’s morphing into a bloodthirsty, deranged, conspiracy theory cult complete, one can’t have any independent thoughts whatsoever.





No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Lou, you don’t get to “please disperse” your way out of this one. We had Trump because Fox News put him on a pedestal because of all the shit talking that he did about Obama when Obama was president. This wasn't a friendly vacation. It's not like it's National Lampoon's MAGA DC Vacation. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Remember when Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid only played characters like that? But this is like - remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer becomes coach of the Pee wee football team after heckling Ned Flanders out of the job? The way Trump became president is almost literally like that. And come on, these were people who were looking to murder and execute half of Congress. And their own sitting vice president to keep Man Baby in charge. How fucked up is that? A lot.





No, no riots needed here. And we also don’t need the Tucker reaction cam. Because if he’s the face of Fox News, he only has one facial expression. And that is pale, white, pasty, and his eyebrows and mouth don’t move. Now you know how we always say around here that art begats art, right? Like we can’t have the art house flicks that win Oscars without having the billion dollar blockbuster superhero flicks like the Avengers. But because of what Tucker Carlson did with the footage, it inspired a whole new wave of online terrorism.





They came at us with pitchforks and torches!!! Torches!!! Come on, you can’t downplay an event as catastrophic as what happened on January 6th ,it’s impossible. And by the way we won’t even have time to discuss the ridiculous song that Trump released on iTunes – which was basically a poorly recorded version of the National Anthem with him talking over it. Yes, that’s a thing. And the MAGAs bought it, because they’ll basically buy anything with flags and Bibles on it. But as you can imagine, the footage released was exactly what you’d expect. Fox News is a “fact free” and “spin” zone.






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[font size="8"]Tucker Carlson
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OK so now that they have the footage of January 6th, and the reaction from Fox News is exactly what you’d expect on the subject by now, it seems that our old buddy Tucker Carlson has really stepped in, to use a technical term, some deep doo doo. Oh come on, stop it. We don’t need the Tucker reaction cam for this one! So what did Mr. Testicle Tanner himself do to put himself on the White House’s radar? Well of course you know that he absolutely doctored the footage that was basically gifted to him by Kevin McCarthy. Because the GOP has turned into a deranged, bloodthirsty cult that’s out for absolute power and one party rule. Well, to stand up to the scary cult that the GOP has become, it takes a lot of balls and, well, a lot of balls. And no, those balls aren’t tanned in a testicle tanning booth. But the thing is that we’re not going to be expressing our sympathy for the January 6th rioters any time soon. So we still side with the Capitol Police, we’re not going to side with Ashlii Babbitt’s mom.





But the thing is – what Kevin McCarthy did was absolutely shameful and Tucker Carlson really stepped in it. We’re talking like obstruction of justice stepped in it. But of course, because there ain’t no justice in this world, nothing will happen to Tucker or Hannity, or any of the scumbags who are actively trying to rewrite history and stage a coup. Now, even the White House is saying that Tucker Carlson might have gone too far. Which for him, is really not that much of a stretch. But really Tucker is this week’s contestant on The Biggest Loser, and we’re not talking about how much weight he’s lost. He really is that much of a loser!





Because it is! When your party turns into a bloodthirsty cult, it’s all about scoring points and winning the support of Dear Leader, whoever Dear Leader happens to be in 2024. It’s no secret that the GOP is the party of suck ups, ass kissers, and bootlickers. They’ve got the fix for the probe into the January 6th committee. The first step was taking out Liz Cheney and replacing her with a hard lined MAGA bootlicker, which they did. Now comes the attempt to erase what happened! Yeah Fox News is out for blood and they don’t care who they stomp on to get it.





Seriously it’s been two fucking years since the damned election! You guys really need to let it go already, but I guess that Mike Lindell needs a few more lunatics to add to his growing echo chamber. And they call it an echo chamber because there’s thousands of shows out there, all literally selling the exact identical talking points. It’s madness and it needs to stop. The thing is, though is that it really is a House Of Cards, so to speak. Take out the top one and the rest will fall like dominoes. Fox being the king of the crop, they need to go first. And this is exactly why.






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[font size="8"]House Oversight Committee
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For those of you who don’t know how Congress works, allow me to explain it a bit for you. See, Congress is divided up into different committees. Which come together to recommend and pass laws that should be for the good of the nation. Well, that’s how it works in theory. See, recently, after the 2022 election, things got fucked up and took a turn. But this week something so evil happened that sounds like it could be something out of a Saturday Night Live sketch, but it wasn’t and somehow seems even more even than it should on the surface. I mean come on, we fought an entire World War against Nazism and white nationalist ideals. But now it seems that Hitler is becoming popular again. So what happens when a vote is held that denounces white nationalism on the House Oversight Committee? Well, wait for it because when you see who’s involved in the No vote, it will start to make sense.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That’s right – not one, not two, not three, but *ALL* 26 conservative members of the House Oversight Committee voted *NO* on whether or not to denounce white nationalism and the “Great Replacement” theory. We’ve covered the Great Replacement Theory on this program before. But it seems like the far right theories, like the Great Replacement and 7 Mountains are becoming increasingly popular. And that’s scary. It’s this kind of shit that leads to things like mass murder and genocide. And they’re not stopping there, it seems the new and improved Oversight Committee is going all in on the racism.





Yeah the House Oversight Committee seems like they’re going all in on the racism. And that’s fucking scary. So what are they doing there? Well they’re exactly carrying out the every evil deed of the Murdoch empire for starters. Yes, this is the House that Rupert Murdoch bought and paid for and he’s getting exactly what he paid for. So what are they planning to do, you might ask? Well not only are they going all in on the racism, they’re also going all in on all of the batshit crazy internet conspiracy theories that pop up on your creepy uncle’s Facebook page! As we’ve been saying around here, it’s going to be a ridiculously long two years isn’t it?





Yeah fuck off with that shit! The January 6th crusaders aren’t political prisoners. They’re criminals. And the prison conditions? You can thank 40 years of conservative deregulation policies that led to the rise of for profit prisons that brought them there. So really, Marjorie, take a look in the mirror as to how they got to that point. And guess what else is on the table? That’s right – we can expect two more years of the MAGA conspiracy theorist lunatics probing Hunter Biden’s laptop at every possible opportunity, which at this point is becoming the Benghazi of Pizzagates.






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[font size="8"]Lauren Boebert
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You know say what you want about Lauren Boebert. Of course you know her as the Congresswoman who ran a gun themed restaurant called Shooters that was shut down by the FDA after serving rancid meat to its’ customers and married a guy who was a registered sex offender. But lately we can’t tell if she’s stupid, evil, extremist, or all of the above. We’re going with a mix. But this week was truly the stuff of stupidity. Because Boebert announced that her 17 year old son got a girl knocked up. Who is under aged! And you know what’s even scarier? Is that the Christian right *LOVES* this shit. I mean people voted for this crazy moron twice. Twice! Think about it – we saw what an idiot she is after the 2020 election and even the 2022 election. And people still voted for her! Just… it truly boggles the mind, doesn’t it? Well, the people of CO-4 got exactly what they voted for this week when Boebert announced that she was going to be a grandma at 36. 36!!! This is the world that the Christian right wants – they want kids to have kids, and kids to be laborers and gig workers. That’s truly insane, they’ve gone so far off the deep end. Well this is what you get when you vote for that.





Yeah seriously, this is not a good thing, MAGAs! It’s insane to me that they’re cheering the systematic destruction of America’s abortion rights so quickly after the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and praising this shit. They view babies as a symbol. Kids should not be having kids of their own. Look, for swing voters who might be in the audience, support the party that doesn’t want your kids having kids and being slave laborers. I think the choice should be fairly obvious! But this is the last person on earth who I want lecturing us on sex education, because she’s the poster child for why we need it!





Yeah what the fuck indeed! By the way I want to use this space to highlight just how unpopular the current MAGA agenda is. People who aren’t batshit crazy lunatics who harass school boards for the sake of harassing school boards hate it! And yes, more parents are on the side of that we need to teach children things like affordable child care, free community college, and gun safety. Of course it’s people like Boebert who come up with the wrong answer to everything. And I do mean everything. Even a broken clock is twice once a day!





Yes, booooooooooo!!! I mean I still can’t emphasize enough how fucking insane it is that people willingly voted for someone like this moron twice. And the even scarier thing - they'll vote for her again! They knew how insane she was but still voted for her anyways! Just… ahhhhhhhhh!!! OK I got that off of my chest. But the one thing is for certain is that we certainly don’t need Ms.We Don't Need No Sex Education… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! We don't need no sex education... we don't need no thought control... HEY! TEACHER! We certainly don’t need Boebert, or anyone who believes in lowering the minimum age of consent, to lecture us on proper sex education. If anything, people like Boebert are the reason why we need proper sex education in the first place!






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[font size="8"]CPAC Highlights
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Of course being off last week, we missed the clusterfuck of the year that is known as the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. But this year it was even more insane given the recent sexual assault allegations against CPAC’s founder, Matt Schlapp. And this year too it basically just morphed into a glorified Trump rally. Which we will get to in a minute. But one thing it did expose is the rift growing in the republican party. It seems the hardline MAGAs are splitting with the more traditional conservatives. Let’s face it, at this point, CPAC has basically just become a glorified Trump rally, but becoming more increasingly authoritarian with every single year. I’m convinced that if you still support Trump at this point, it would be like playing Super Mario Bros, except that you’re rooting for Bowser to straight up murder Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach. And if that happens, you should probably seek professional psychiatric help. Well, here’s what happened at this year’s clusterfuck – which was actually held in the US this year and not in an authoritarian country.





Yeah so let’s get this straight. There’s a divide in the GOP right now between hardline MAGA conservatives and the more traditional voters. Make no mistake that if Trump doesn’t get the nomination in 2024 – which is becoming more increasingly likely – that he will split the vote and take his extremist cultist base with him. If I was a betting man, I’d bet on Desantis to win the 2024 GOP nomination and if he does that could have potentially serious consequences if he wins the presidency in 2024. One thing we can laugh at though is that CPAC this year was very poorly attended and the speeches were complete disasters.





Yes, let them fight. While the GOP is fighting with each other, the Democrats should be using this to their advantage. The lunatics really have been let out of the asylum here, and 2024 is shaping up to be one hugely interesting matchup between crazy people, and even crazier people. I mean they worship a guy who has talked about bringing back public executions, while the other guy has been busy taking over colleges and private enterprises because they were mean to him and didn’t support his fascist agenda. But you know the old saying and I think it applies here – with friends like these, who needs enemies?





Yes, let them fight! And I’d personally rather jam a flaming q-tip directly into my eardrums than sit through a Kimberly Guilfoyle speech. And what the fuck was that entrance? That wasn’t politics, I’ve seen better fanfare for WWE wrestlers! Of course they have to distract you with the shiny objects because otherwise it’s just crazy people yelling into a megaphone for 30 minutes, and I could bang my head against the wall for 20 minutes and it would have the same outcome as Guilfoyle’s speech. That I can assure you! But one thing is for sure, the conservative bubble is bursting and we’ll be here for all of the infighting! And the other thing – we’ll be venturing into “please clap” territory before you know it!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Anti-Trans Satanic Panic
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we live in some dark times right now, and I’ll be the first to admit that not every segment we do here is fun. We do poke a lot of fun at fundamentalist Christians on this program because they seem like they’re the ones who have the shortest of short fuses. But what I’ve been the most troubled by lately is that their war on drag shows and the LGBT community seems to be escalating with more restrictions being imposed, and it seems like it just gets progressively worse the more you dig into it. Of course you know that these are people who do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS, even though they pretend that they do. Instead these are people who worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so vile, and so disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But of course, my fair congregation, we must first look at how we got to this point. I give you the Dark One’s minion and enabler, Marjorie Three Names. Who of course never shuts up.



?w=580

Yes, he does. And today’s devil can take on many forms. But perhaps you might know him by the Mark Of The Beast, which is a red hat that says “Make America Great Again”. But make no mistake that the anti-trans hatred is coming fast and fierce. And it seems to be increasingly escalating every single day and it’s not getting any better any time soon. There are some truly evil forces at work here in the United States, my fair congregation! This much I can assure you, though we saw the light in the 2020 election away from the unholy Dark One, the devil is still very much at work here. In fact we need to look at the group that’s currently pushing these laws and seeing how far they can go. They are most certainly evil and must be stopped!





What the hell are you guys talking about? I can guarantee that you haven’t protected one child from one “groomer”, whatever that is. If there’s anything that we should be protecting kids from, it’s predatory youth pastors, and there are plenty of those out there! . Like this scumbag youth pastor in North Carolina. Or this scumbag youth pastor in Texas. Or this scumbag youth pastor from Alabama. Or this scumbag youth pastor from Colorado. Anyway you see where I’m going with this? Well anyway we can assure you that the legislation being passed is getting worse the more you go down the rabbit hole on the subject. And of all of the laws we saw, these are some of the worst of the worst, being proposed by pretend Christians who really only preach hate and worship the Dark One!





Yes, let the hate flow through you, for it has made them powerful! My fair congregation, do you see where I’m going with this? The hate in this country is strong, intense, and getting so far out of control that we don’t know what can be done! The unholy Dark One and his followers and enablers have fully embraced the Dark Side! We know they would carry out Order 66 if the Even Darker One somehow managed to become president! And we hope to GAWD that doesn’t happen! Because in his state, which is full of Dark One worshippers, this apparently didn’t go far enough! I mean what more do they want from us? They will destroy this country if given another term!





But these are people who are incapable of feeling bad about themselves. These are people who are leading the US down a very dark path that embraces mass murder and totalitarianism, and they must be stopped at all costs! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Vivek Ramaswamy
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Vivek Ramaswamy. He’s a Fox & Friends contributor and one of the instigators of this whole “anti-woke” controversy that we’ve been seeing that’s just been dominating the news lately. For those of you who don’t watch Fox, and if you’re here, it is because you don’t watch Fox unless you’re a left wing blogger who’s paid to monitor what’s being said on Tucker Carlson. But if you’re wondering where this whole “war on woke” thing came from, it’s because of people like this fucking guy, Vivek Ramaswamy. And not only that, but he’s got much bigger aspirations than being a commentator on the morning chucklehead show. That’s right – he’s got – wait for it – aspirations of being the next president of the United States! Don’t boo yet! Boy, Trump really lowered the bar as to what passes for being the president these days, didn’t he? Well in case you don’t watch Fox, here’s what your local MAGA neighbors might be discussing.





Seriously, how ,low does the bar get? I mean it’s totally insane that someone who appears on Fox News a total of four fucking times thinks that he can run for president. Is that how America is going to be run from here on out? Someone who sucks up to the right wing Fox News Christiofascist megachurch cult can just think that they’re automatically presidential material? Well have you seen the quality of their Congressional candidates lately? There’s the world’s shittiest dentist, a crazy woman who takes internet conspiracy theories literally (and won’t shut up), and another crazy woman who failed her GED 3 times and used to own a gun themed restaurant that gave its’ patrons food poisoning. So yeah there is always that. But it’s proof that if you suck up you too can have high aspirations!





Holy shit! That’s definitely some racist MAGA policies there, and talk about someone who is clearly voting against their best interests there! At least he does bring some diversity to the table besides, extremist Christian white guy, extremist Christian white guy, extremist Christian white woman, and um yeah that’s about it. But this whole “anti-woke” bullshit that Fox has been peddling for the last year has definitely been an exercise in how far they can go, and it’s definitely a test for future hard lined fascist policies. But make no mistake that conservatives are getting more exponentially shittier with their policies and this guy might be to blame for it.





Yeah after the last guy, I think our expectations are already lowered enough! There’s really no need to lower them any further! But there’s no mistake that stochastic terrorism is a very profitable business to be in right now. As we’ve said on this program before, there’s literally thousands of channels that you can choose from and you can get it custom tailored to your level of racism / sexism. And we can thank people who are on the forefront of the anti-ESG movement like Vivek Ramaswamy as to how we got to this point. So the next time your Fox watching friends and neighbors are complaining about things being too woke for them, you can trace it back to where they first heard about this nonsense. So yeah we can thank this fucking guy.





That’s anti-woke crusader, and last place CPAC presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy – this week’s:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Ah there we go! So folks this week, I don’t need to remind you that one of the craziest and stupidest people ever to unfortunately grace the halls of Congress is none other than Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). Marjorie Greene is proof that you don’t need much in order to become a republican elected representative. You just need to constantly talk, say what conservatives want to hear, and appear on right wing talk shows 24 hours a day. But we’re not going to examine Marjorie’s off the wall lunacy here today because you’ve probably heard her crap all the time. Instead, we’re going to take a page from the Joker movie and examine why crazy happens. Here’s more.





Yeah make no mistake that the GOP’s got a problem on their hands. Marjorie is calling for a Civil War and a National Divorce, and her followers seem to embrace the crazy. But let’s also face the facts for a minute here. The main fact is that her idea for a National Divorce is grossly unpopular. Hell it’s so unpopular that even former Breitbart manager and guy who looks like he sleeps in a coffin full of Red Bull, Steve Bannon, wouldn’t even go there. Now that’s pretty fucking unpopular. So let’s extrapolate that for a minute here. The thing with a national divorce is that it would be an absolute disaster on multiple levels.





But while the idea of a “national divorce” is seriously unpopular, there is a bill that was filed in the Texas Senate last week called the “Texas Secession Bill”, or “TEXIT”. This is too fucking hilarious. Because have you seen how unpopular the actual Brexit movement is and what an absolute clusterfuck it’s been for the last 6 years? The Texas secession bill is the American equivalent of that. Setting up their own country and system of government isn’t going to be easy. And for the people who don’t believe that government should exist, this is going to be fucking hilarious!





Yeah who is the crazy ones here? Imagine if you will, living in the Continental United States and having a hostile foreign entity literally on your own border. And Texas is so poorly run that we can imagine there’d be tons of Texas refugees attempting to cross the border illegally. Because once again, conservatives fuck up and destroy just about everything that they touch. So if Marjorie Three Names wants a national divorce, they really ought to think about what they would stand to lose. It would be a hell of a lot, and don’t say we didn’t warn you!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: The Oscars’ Crisis Team
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



Of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks. And while we’re drinking we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t involve politics. Because there’s a lot of incredibly dark shit in the news right now and our stance is that drinking and talking about politics usually never ends well for anybody involved. This week – folks, you know our firm stance here is that social media is probably going to kill us all, right? Well the latest Tik Tok challenge has people who participate in the challenge going to the emergency room in record numbers. It’s called the “BORG” challenge, which stands for “blackout rage gallon”. Which is basically just a mix of hard alcohol and energy drinks. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about a BORG? We’re going to do an actual BORG? OK. Mixing hard alcohol and highly caffeinated energy drinks? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, a hell of a lot if you pay attention to the news headlines!





OK… Ok… OK. OK. First off, I can handily tell you, as someone who has had my fair share of drinks in my lifetime, that there’s no such thing. Believe me, people have tried. There’s no way you can drink a metric fuck ton of alcohol and not feel bad about it the next day. That’s why god invented hangovers! And second, U Mass reported 28 ambulances? Holy shit, you can’t just go from zero to 60 on alcohol, my friends! You have to build your tolerance levels. Just like eating spicy foods, you can’t expect to have zero experience eating spicy foods, and then all of a sudden eat a Carolina Reaper. Because that will send you to the hospital. And probably destroy your digestive system on top of that. And this is also what happens when people aren’t properly educated on the subject.





Yeah we need some Jack, that’s more my wheelhouse! But seriously, in addition to the possibility of getting alcohol poisoning and severely damaging your liver, how do you not get severely dehydrated on top of that? That seems like that would just be a toxic formula for that. Look, here’s our position on the subject – yes, our segment is called “I Need A Drink”. Yes, we drink heavily! But we practice responsible drinking here! You guys may see our segment here, but you don’t see the aftermath! Which I can assure you that I don’t want to be the janitor who has to clean the bathrooms afterwards.





Yeah let’s think about this here – it’s a whole fucking GALLON of alcohol and potentially dehydrating beverages that you’re consuming here. That fatigue you’re experiencing? It’s not from the booze, it’s from the lack of water. But let’s ask actual health experts what they think about the subject. And they’ll probably mostly agree that consuming an entire gallon of alcohol and caffeine is bad for you no matter how you try to spin it. Needless to say if this trend keeps up, in a few years, I see ERs filling up with tons of potential liver transplants.








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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022: Round 1 Week 1: Single Elimination Round
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back to Stupidest State 2023! This is it folks, we’re here at the starting gate for exciting Round 1 Week 1 action! This week it’s two heavyweights from the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference going for broke in the first round, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Idaho takes on #4 Montana by bringing their big guns to the dance! We’re live at the home of the world champion Los Angeles Football Club, the LAFC if you will, at the fabulous BMO Stadium in downtown Los Angeles for all of the exciting action! Let’s go to the floor, shall we?

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Round 1 Week 1: Kansas Vs Nevada [/font]

[font size="2"]Kansas [/font]
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The Sunflower State is back for another year everybody. Of course Kansas is a long time favorite in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. Once one of the reddest states in the country, Kansas is showing a bit of backlash against our billionaire overlords. But Kansas is hurting so much for money right now – again partly in thanks to our billionaire overlords – that they’re resorting to finding money any way they could, and that includes selling fireworks year ‘round. That’s right – you’ll be able to blow your thumbs off the entire year, not just on July 4th anymore!





Yeah I’m sure that guy is the poster child for greed. But greed isn’t good! And the one thing we certainly can’t do – though we absolutely should – is tax the damn billionaires! I mean come on, when guys like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have the gross domestic product of the entire continent of Africa, then that’s a huge fucking problem. We should be going after them, not the people who need it the most. I mean come on, do we really need to be policing food stamps? In 2023? Seriously?





[font size="2"]Nevada [/font]


The Silver State is back for another year everybody! You know in the 2020 election, Nevada shocked the world by becoming a blue state. Even better, it turned even bluer in the 2022 election. Of course Nevada is one of the only states in this country that is home to legalized gambling. And of course with the casino industry comes rampant crime and corruption. Las Vegas is now also home to two major league sports teams – the Las Vegas Raiders and the Las Vegas Golden Knights. It’s also the home of a greedy Mormon cult that ended about the same way that the cult in Kevin Smith’s Red State ended.





Yes that is a good question! What is wrong with you? I mean come on people, greed isn’t always good – it’s the opposite of what they preach in the movie Wall Street! By the way, in case you’re wondering how bad deregulated capitalism is in the Silver State, well, it’s pretty bad. Casinos aren’t just limited to Las Vegas. They’re also in Reno and Tahoe, and well Tahoe got hit pretty bad in the tourism industry after COVID hit and we’re just beginning to see the after effects of the total shutdowns in 2020 and 2021. But you know what? We ain’t seen nothing yet!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Ooh, ladies and gentlemen – we have our first round of 2023 in the books!! Kansas has the ball with less than a minute and a half remaining… the score… it’s good! Now a foul… Kansas for two! Yes! And that’s all she wrote, folks – Kansas wins this one, they advance to the next round! Final score: 80 – 73.

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference Round 1 Week 1: Idaho Vs Montana [/font]

[font size="4"]Idaho [/font]
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The Gem State is back for another go round in this tournament. Idaho makes no contest about why they’re one of the favorites in the Gun Nut Conference. Outside of Boise, Idaho is farm country, and farmers are packing some serious heat. Numerous attempts have been made to ban assault weapons in the Gem State, but instead the opposite has happened. The gun laws just keep getting nuttier and nuttier and nuttier. Like for instance this one that would just flat out allow guns to be carried on campuses, because you know, shall not be infringed. And what could possibly go wrong?





Yes, that is a good question! What could possibly go wrong? Well a hell of a lot. Even worse is that there’s another bill that would allow public terrorist groups, er, militias. No, let’s call them terrorists to meet on public grounds. Yes, we have our own versions of ISIS, the Taliban, and Al’Qaeda already operating on US soil. Last thing we need to do is give them permission to act out their own version of Project Mayhem. Like come on really, read the room people. Oh wait, conservatives are incapable of doing that.





[font size="4"]Montana [/font]


The Big Sky State is back for another go-round in this tournament. They’ve gone very far, but have yet to win it all. The state known for its’ beautiful mountains, cowboys, and land as far as the eye can see, is also a hotbed for religious nationalist policies and a test market for how far the far right can go. Its’ governor is Greg Gianforte, a guy who became famous for body slamming a reporter who asked an innocent question, while its’ sole Congressional representative is Ryan Zinke, you may remember him from the Trump administration as their Parks Dept. head. So what nutty gun laws does Montana have on the books in 2023? Well for starters there’s a bill that would ban gun “discrimination”. Yeah that’s apparently a thing among gun nuts!





Come on, even Marge is packing some heat! In a time when mass shootings are at an all time high and people are afraid of leaving their houses in fear of getting shot, well, guess what? The Montana House of representatives plans on going full Dirty Harry. Because you know, it shall not be infringed! I mean come on, this is some next level batshit insanity. Guns have more rights than people do in this country and the last thing we need with a gun problem is more guns! That’s like giving the alcoholic the keys to the liquor cabinet!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh this one is no surprise here - Montana has come out guns blazing, they have shot their way to the top! Final score – 91 – 85! They are celebrating on the court and they will advance to the Elite 8!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week it’s Round 1 Week 2 and we’re live from the home of the Vegas Golden Knights, the amazing T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas for all the action! It’s a battle for Batshit supremacy as conference favorite #1 Florida takes on fan favorite #2 Kentucky! Meanwhile, over in the Family Values conference, red hot newcomer #3 Utah takes on finalist #4 Oklahoma! It’s getting exciting, folks! Be sure to follow [email protected] on Mastodon for updated brackets, stats, and bracketology!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Anti-Flag[/font]



Folks, my next guest has a great new album out called “Lies They Tell Our Children”, you can see them on tour with Flogging Molly through the end of March. Playing their song “The Fight Of Our Lives”, give it up for Anti-Flag!



Thank you Washington DC! This was fun, we’ll be back soon! We’re off to Miami next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Anti-Flag Appears Courtesy Of: Spinefarm Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: DC Improv, Washington, DC
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 2, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-6: Put Me In Coach, I'm Ready To Play Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14-6: Put Me In Coach, I’m Ready To Play Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooo! What’s up, Portland? Believe it or not, this is our first time in the ME! Yeah how about that? And you guys are in for a treat because it’s my favorite Top 10 of the entire year aside from our Year In Review edition. Because it’s time for Stupidest State 2023! Yes folks the NFFSA is back! I hope y’all filled out your brackets because we’ve got a whopper of a tournament planned this year and some shake ups and hook ups! But that being said it’s going to be a hell of a tournament this year! And by the way after we come back from France, our following edition may be cut into a Top 4. But don’t worry, it won’t affect Holy Shit or Stupidest State. OK do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. So you know the Oscars are this weekend and depending on how things go, we may have discuss this in next week’s I Need A Drink. But anyway after last year’s incident between Will Smith and Chris Rock, the Academy is taking no chances on a repeat of the infamous pimp slap heard ‘round the world. But come on, you know that they’re planning to make this year’s festivities incident free. The thing is, folks, is don’t do what Will Smith did. We all know that he set a bad precedent with that slap, and we most certainly don’t need anyone imitating… hey what are you doing up here? Uh… security??? Oh come on now! That was uncalled for. You know the key to good comedy is always timing! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back (yay!) and he delves into the subject of Artificial Intelligence, and I’m sure you’ve heard of ChatGPT by now:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week, is the GOP (1). So Joe Biden spent President’s day visiting war torn Kiev and Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelensky, which caused the MAGA conspiracy theorist nutcases to melt down and the conspiracy theories to fly! In the second slot this week is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump (2). He went to East Palestine to tour that devastating train collision, which was a product of his own doing, and handed out Big Macs and red hats to anyone who cared to listen to his nonsense. Taking the number 3 slot this week is Kevin McCarthy (3). That’s right – the speaker of the house, in one of the most blatantly partisan dick moves in House history, simply handed obtained footage of January 6th over to Tucker Carlson, because, spite. Yeah Fox News owns that party and it’s insane. Speaking of insanity in the number 4 slot, we’re going to play our favorite game “IS IT RACIST?” because conservatives can’t help themselves saying racist stuff, and Dilbert creator Scott Adams stepped in it because of some racist comments he said on a podcast, so stop saying racist stuff! In the number 5 slot this week is a new edition of We’re All Gonna Die (5). After COVID, you know that disease patrol is on high alert to stop the next pandemic, but is the recent Marburg virus outbreak in West Africa going to kill us all? Maybe, maybe not. In the number 6 slot this week is of course, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, our pastor is going to expose who’s really behind those insanely cryptic and annoying “He Gets Us” series of advertisements. In the number 7 slot this week, after refusing aid from the train derailment disaster, we add Ohio governor Mike DeWine (Q – Batshit) (7) to the ever growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected! Taking the number 8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner – Marjorie Three Names (8) suggests that the USA is heading for a “national divorce” of blue states and red states, so we’ll break down exactly what that means! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” (9) and this week, you know how we say that social media is going to kill us all, well the latest Tik Tok challenge, the “Kool Aid Man Challenge” may do just that. Holy crap. Finally to close things out this week it’s that time! Stupidest State is here! It’s time for Stupidest State Selection Sunday (10)! This week, we’re live at the fabulous YouTube Theater in Inglewood, California and we have all of the states, stats, odds, and info you need to fill out those brackets! Plus to close things out, we have some live music from our good friend Post Malone joining us! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Biden Ukraine Visit
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You know in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a war going on. And an extremely bad man is looking to take over the world. I’m of course talking about Vladimir Putin and his increasingly evil regime in the Kremlin. Let me explain basic diplomacy to the MAGAs and Fox News hosts who may happen to be lurking here. When countries like each other, they help each other out. When countries realize there’s a threat out there, they also help each other out. So last week, PRESIDENT Joe Biden decided to do something to look presidential by visiting the war torn country of Ukraine. Which naturally caused the right wing echo chamber to enter full blown meltdown mode. But before we get into the right wing meltdown, we have to talk about what actually happened first.





Hell yeah! That’s what real leaders do instead of wallowing around watching TV and figuring out how to score points with the echo chamber. And no, MAGAs, I don’t want to hear about how things would have been different if Trump were president. Seriously, fuck off with that shit already. But here’s the thing, while conservatives are migrating towards helping Putin with his illegal and immoral invasion, democrats are firming up their support. So yeah while the world is watching in horror with what Vlad is doing to Ukraine, we’ve got their backs!





Right? Well here’s where the bad part comes in. it’s truly scary and disheartening to see the GOP fall under the spell of Vladimir Putin. But then again it’s also totally on brand for them. Because as we have seen time and time again, the GOP really is becoming the “fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me” party so if you tell them that Vladimir Putin is the bad guy, then the GOP will somehow mistake him as being the good guy. That’s what happens when your mind is rotted by a continuously operating echo chamber that spews hate and lies 24 hours a day.





I know, right? But don’t worry, we’ll get to Former President Goofus’ visit to Ohio in a minute, and no, MAGAs, I really don’t care what would have happened if the other guy did it, OK? I care about what’s happening now. What’s happening now is that there is a fucking mad man in the Kremlin who’s out for world domination and he’s waging a war that he shouldn’t have, and is getting absolutely humiliated on a global stage, like he should have been. History isn’t kind to tyrants, and Vladimir Putin may be one of the biggest in world history.






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[font size="8"]That Former President
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Let me ask you something, Portland – how many people here were born in the 80s and 90s? OK show of hands, don’t be shy! OK we’ve got a few of you. I’m an 80s kid personally. So now how many of you growing up remember Highlights Magazine? Oh really? That’s still a thing? I had no idea. Well if you know that magazine, they used to have a comic feature called Goofus And Gallant. The thing about this comic is that Gallant would be the good one, and show you what to do in a situation. And then there’s Goofus, who shows you what not to do. So let’s take a look at two presidents. Joe Biden, who looks like Gallant, and went to the Ukraine, and was awesome. Former president Goofus, on the other hand, went to East Palestine, Ohio to visit the train disaster. Which he caused. But how cute that he’s trying to look presidential in an effort to win back Fox voters and other swing voters that he may have disenfranchised in the last few years.





Boy this really screams “put me in coach, I’m ready to play”, doesn’t it? Like the song! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… I could imagine Tucker Carlson’s face on Lucy while pulling the football away from Biden’s Charlie Brown, that’s a good one! But of course like most things he does, Trump’s claims are greatly overexaggerated. Trump is that guy on the sidelines who thinks that he could do a better job of coaching than the actual coach does. Hell that’s practically how he wormed his way into the White House by claiming he could do everything better than Obama could. It worked for a while, but then it didn’t.





Yeah and that’s about the playbook for this whole exercise. Like are we really supposed to believe that Trump is presidential material after that stunt? He brought a pallet of cheap looking bottled and went and bought some McDonalds, while mocking the staff there, and somehow that makes him suddenly a man of the people? And we really got to stop letting him get away with the blame game, because this shit is getting really old now. I mean he’s getting really predictable and this is coming from someone who used to predict what he was going to say back when he was president.





Oh fuck off! Nothing the Biden administration was going to do was going to be the correct response in the eyes of the MAGA Fox News cult. Like Biden could make a speech about the sky being blue and Hannity and Tucker would be on the air every night arguing that the sky is neon pink. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Nice one again! But leave it to former President Goofus to screw everything up and make it about himself. Just ugh… this is going to be a ridiculously long time until the 2024 election isn’t it? I can’t even…






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[font size="8"]Kevin McCarthy
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It's completely insane that conservatives are still gung ho on getting their petty revenge for everything that happened in 2020, and we may never hear the end of it. The latest clusterfuck coming from House Speaker and guy who looks like he just dragged his red tie through a pile of mud, Kevin McCarthy (Q – Batshit) may be the ultimate partisan fuck you move. This is utterly despicable that he would do such a thing, but totally on brand for today’s MAGA conservatives. I mean seriously, if Fox News told their viewers to jump off the Grand Canyon, they would be pushing and shoving each other to be the first in line. But what we got out of this latest political stunt is that Fox News completely fucking owns the GOP and they can’t get away with it. Hell, Fox is replacing what few sane conservatives are left with crazy MAGA bootlickers. Well enough of my rambling, let??s get to the latest political stunt in what is going to be a ridiculously long two years. Hold your boos.





It’s like conservatives are trying to out crazy each other. No one is that evil and stupid right? Well come on, we’re living in the post Donald Trump era. It seems no matter how low conservatives go, other conservatives can go even lower. Shit, there’s a bill being proposed in Florida right now that would completely eliminate the Democratic party. I mean come on, that’s some totalitarian third world shit right there. And seriously, the hate and division in this country is completely insane. And giving all of this to Tucker Carlson is just more fuel for the fire.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Insane that they think this is all a game to them. Don’t give a shit if it’s exclusive or not, I have Fox News blocked from my DVR in the off chance I may come across it, because fuck Rupert Murdoch. And by the way I love that Trump thinks that this is a threat because he wasn’t consulted on it. But hey, leave it to the My Pillow guy to the rescue! I mean come on, this is what is representing the Republican party these days. Talk show hosts and shitty product influencers for shitty products. Is that all they got? No wonder no one is taking them seriously anymore. This just shows you how far gone the GOP is.





To the idiot mobile! That’s so hilarious that all they do is sue people. And they sue them for ridiculous amounts of money at that. And no real good or bad or any kind of change will happen as a result of these lawsuits. All it will do is tie up the courts and that’s about it. This whole stunt was just a way to score points with Fox News viewers and batshit insane conspiracy theorists, and that’s it. Come on, we all know what Tucker’s going to say and do with this. He’s going to paint it as a false flag or some other bullshit. Fox News is in full blown “nothing to see here, please disperse” mode. After all, a failed coup is a dress rehearsal for a successful one. And this should be more proof that Fox News is an ever increasing threat to the stability of this country.






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[font size="8"]Scott Adams
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Hey everyone, let’s play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



Because we always say that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! Look, look. Look. Here’s the thing, conservatives. We’ve been going through this shit every day for the last 8 years. And I’m getting really tired of having to explain this side of the circular firing squad. If you don’t want to get pegged as a racist, then don’t say racist stuff. You’re not getting “banned” or “canceled” because you’re a conservative posting conservative views on a social media website. You’re getting banned or canceled because your views that you’re posting are incredibly racist and sexist! So let’s take into account our latest subject this week. Scott Adams. You probably know him best as the creator of the long running workplace comic strip centered around uber nerd Dilbert. Dilbert, which spawned a TV show and tons of merchandise, is now not going to be a thing anymore. Because, the strip’s creator got caught saying racist stuff on a podcast. So , audience, how racist is it? Well, as you can guess, it’s extremely fucking racist.





Honestly there’s not enough facepalms for this one. I mean come on, have we learned nothing in the last 8 years since the dawn of the Trump administration? If you don’t want to be racist, then don’t say racist stuff. Seriously, remember when “Papa” John Schnatter went and said that he actually had to have someone tell him not to use the N word (see: Idiots #10-7 )? But this is one of those things that we love to point out on this program about actions having consequences. Look, this is the social media era. You can’t say racist things and expect that you’ll get off scot-free. You will be punished for this at some point.





Oh yeah that’s definitely racist all right! Is someone just implanting these ideas in people’s heads now to make them go full racist and sexist? Did Scott Adams get replaced with Jordan Peterson? Well, think about it, have you ever seen the two of them in the same room together? But even the right wing echo chamber is outraged at what Adams is saying. But to them, he’s basically saying the quiet part out loud, because you know that’s what they’re secretly thinking. I’m not saying all republicans are racist, but all racists are republican. Let that sink in! And you know you fucked up when Newsmax complains!





So come on people, if you don’t want to get pegged as a racist then don’t say racist stuff. We honestly cannot emphasize this enough. So don’t be a Scott Adams. If you don’t want your life’s work to be canceled and disposed of, don’t be a douche. That’s all we can say here, and have been saying for years here. We always like to point out that actions have consequences, and if you say racist and sexist stuff, then you’ll get pegged as a racist and sexist. Once again, this is the same shit and different year and conservatives seem bent on taking us backwards. Is it racist? Yeah probably.






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! Wooooooooooooooooooooo! Woooooooooooo!! Wooo! Wooo. Woo. So what’s going to kill us all this week? Well, it looks like the nightmare that’s completely upended our way of life, the COVID-19 pandemic, might finally be a thing of the past and we can’t wait for that to happen soon enough! But another pandemic just might be rearing its’ ugly heads so we’d better watch out! That’s right over in Central Africa, the reappearance of the Marburg virus has been enough to cause some alarm. I mean come on, haven’t we all had an ass full of “the alarm” by now, am I right? I can’t tell you how many hundreds of articles I read back at the beginning of the pandemic and every new variant where the headline was “Scientists sound the alarm”. So is there cause for alarm right now? Well there’s a lot to unpack here and the thing about the Marburg virus that you need to know is that it causes a very painful death. Like think if COVID and Ebola had a love child – yeah that painful! But for now you should probably avoid going to central Africa, but the right will go there anyways because their official motto is “fuck all y’all”.





Hooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit! That is a pretty fucked up way to die. Thankfully I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would travel to Equatorial Guinea any time soon! But in the off chance you do it’s always wise to take the necessary precautions. I mean in this day and age you can’t have too much protection if you know what I’m saying! But again what we’re dealing with here is an extremely dangerous pathogen. And we don’t want a repeat of 2020 under any circumstances. A second pandemic would be worse than the first!





That’s a little extreme there isn’t it? Well again you can’t be too careful these days especially after we’re coming out of a worldwide pandemic. We definitely don’t want to be the cause of the next one if we can help it at all! But here’s where it helps to cut through the fear mongering, my fair audience. Is because bullshit is everywhere. It’s free and readily available. So here’s why we are saying this. Because reports were coming out about a mysterious pathogen being identified in Barcelona. Which of course prompted the media to go into full “we’re all gonna die” mode. So was it the Marburg virus or not? That’s the mystery.





No we’re not going to die… YET. This is why I say that this is why you need to pay attention to the bullshit. And seriously do the words “quarantine” or “containment” mean nothing to anybody anymore? I mean what the hell would you possibly travel to that specific region of Equatorial Guinea for other than safari or hunting? And even then there’s probably some much better places that you could travel to. Anyway look I know that we can’t police the next pandemic enough as it is, but we’ve all got to do our part. After all, they don’t call it “public” health for nothing!





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: He Gets…Us?
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know my friends, we recently had a grand spectacle if you will. A giant pageant full of lights, pageantry, music, flashing lights, and carefully coordinated dance numbers. I’m not talking about Christmas. I’m not talking about Mardi Gras. I’m of course talking about the Super Bowl. And I know it was three weeks ago, which feels like an eternity in this day and age, but we’re not letting a certain company get away with a certain advertisement. You may have been seeing these advertisements pop up a lot lately. It’s call the “He Gets Us” campaign. You know what? Can we show one of these advertisements before we go any further? Roll the clip!



Wow, there’s a lot to unpack there. But I will say that these commercials are brought to you by David Green, the billionaire CEO of an arts and crafts store that you might have head of called Hobby Lobby, yes, *THAT* Hobby Lobby. You know we’ve covered Hobby Lobby’s past exploits in Holy Shit before (see: Top 10 #13-1 and Idiots #3-23 ). And these are people who do not support GAWD, they support the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church last week. And we almost broke our one rule last week, I might add. But that being said, these commercials are strange and we definitely want to bring you up to speed on them.





Sorry Hobby Lobby, you can spend all the money you want, but I will continue the stance that I’ve had from the beginning is that we will not be a part of the United States’ slide into becoming a religious fascist totalitarian country! Again these are people who are not on the side of GAWD! They are on the side of the Unholy Dark One! So you can run all of the advertisements that you want, but we won’t join your cult! Do you get that? Thank you Portland! But is there really a controversy about this? Either you are religious or you’re not. And the fastest growing religion is none of the above. So these commercials might be wasted on the youth.





Yeah they should feel bad about themselves! But they won’t! But in regards to the Super Bowl this year, do you really need some ads featuring JAYSUS? I mean whatever your vice is, they got it covered – whether it’s booze or gambling or vaping! So in between ads for Draft Kings, and beer and expensive cars and the insurance needed to drive those expensive cars, sure why not Jesus? But do you really need to reduce the lord and savior to being an influencer and product hawker? Well have you seen the hundreds of Bible based apps out there? Yeah let’s not cheapen the image of the LAWRD here with your insanity.





Nah, we’re not going to be doing that. So what’s the truth behind these ads? I mean why run them now and not like in the 1980s? Well they’re obviously trying to tie this into social media. But if you trace the money behind this campaign, you know that the people behind it are not on the side of GAWD. They are on the side of the Dark One and everything he stands for, which we learned last week includes bringing back public executions fire and brimstone style! My fair congregation, you ever hear of the phrase “a wolf in sheep’s clothing”? Well that’s exactly what this Hobby Lobby campaign looks to do. It might convert a few of the non-believers but that’s it. If you see the preachers on the street corner or on your TV like this one, beware!





Yes, everyone needs JAYSUS, or they don’t. That’s at least the official stance here at our church, not the church of Hobby Lobby! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Mike DeWine
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Ohio governor Mike DeWine (Q – Batshit). How in the ever loving fuck did this guy get elected? He seems hell bent on taking the Buckeye State to third world status. The Fox News installed governor of Ohio is facing increasing calls for his resignation thanks to his part in the great railroad disaster in East Palestine. Well how did that happen? The thing is there is a lot of finger pointing and blame gaming going on the news rounds as to who’s directly responsible for this easily preventable tragedy and the resulting environmental disaster that going to be the inevitable result. Think of it like the Deepwater Horizon disaster of 2010 but on a much larger scale. Deregulated capitalism is eventually going to be the death of the United States and may result in the death of humanity. While most people are pointing and blaming, this is the end result of years of reckless conservative deregulation policies, each one crazier than the next. And Mike DeWine is the Louis DeJoy of Tom DeLays in sorting the logistics of this disaster out.





Yes, boo this man! He could resign, but you know that he won’t. Because the conservative right propaganda machine is out for absolute power and they don’t care what incompetent buffoons they run or who they stomp on in order to get it. They are a really bloodthirsty cult. But don’t you dare speak out against the cult because something really bad could happen to you. These are the people who scream about freedoms one minute, then want to lock up anyone who dares to question their motives the next minute. And governor Mike DeWine is certainly no exception to this rule – he’s just as crazy as the next elected MAGA politician.





Yes, at least you tried, Gov. DeWine. But the thing with this group of politicians is that we wouldn’t trust them to run a convenience store or get our order right at McDonalds. So what makes people think that someone like Gov. DeWine would be great in a disaster situation? Well, not a whole lot. But then again, our standards of what makes a great politician were significantly lowered in 2016. Allowing people like Gov. DeWine to take over states where they’re dominated by AM talk radio. But this whole thing regarding the situation in East Palestine is getting weirder by the minute and may take years to sort out this mess.





That’s right – conservatives! These are the people who you elected to help keep you safe in a disaster that is really one that they themselves caused! Doesn’t matter how incompetent these buffoons are, apparently divisional politics and voting for the least qualified people because you want to “own the libs” is apparently more important than you know, actually living. And by the way you keep doing this to yourselves, MAGAs. You can blame Mike DeWine all you want, but really, the cause of this current wound in East Palestine is self-inflicted and you keep bringing it on yourselves by voting for these people.





That’s disaster deregulating Ohio governor Mike DeWine – yet another inexplicable addition to the ever growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So folks, the last two weeks you may have heard about our old friend Marjorie Three Names (Q – Batshit) spouting some insane conspiracy theories about how the red states and the blue states need to separate from the red states. But that could absolutely never happen under any circumstance. And we’ll get into the reasoning why in a minute here. And it’s criminally insane to even suggest such a thing might happen.





That is a good question and I’m not entirely sure how that would work! So let’s break it down for the MAGA conspiracy theorists who might be lurking here. Marjorie Greene wants a national divorce. OK – here’s what’s at stake. The Red States would basically be on the hook for creating their own country from scratch. Which means – no military. Gone. No House representation. Gone. Which means that Marjorie would be out of job, and we’re OK with that. Also, no police, fire, post office, no US money, no constitution, no Washington DC. All gone. And they don’t regulate anything or enforce rules. Which means their little experiment would go broke in about a week. But please, do continue.





Well here’s the thing, Marjorie – no one likes this idea. I think raw sewage and naval lint are polling higher numbers than the idea of the red states and the blue states separating. But this whole thing is criminally insane. I love the headlines that are like “MARJORIE GREENE HUMILIATES HERSELF WITH LATEST DIATRIBE!!!”. Really? Did she really HUMILIATE herself? Did that require all caps? Because Marjorie knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s saying and doing stupid things because it gets her name in the press and that’s about it. But this idea is so unpopular that even your creepy uncle’s creepy uncle, Steve Bannon, wouldn’t go there.





Holy shit, I never in a million years ever thought I would agree with Steve Bannon on anything, but he’s 100% right about this. You know that old saying about broken clocks. Anyway this is a great example of the complete and glorious lack of a proper education and critical thinking skills that today’s hardline MAGA conservatives just do not possess. This is an absolutely terrible idea on just about every single level. And it would be about as fucked up as Brexit – it would be a clusterfuck that would take years and decades to properly sort out, and it would never be properly implemented. It would just be a disaster and a waste of time. So yeah, we’re not falling for that crap anymore.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



Of course you know by now that the purpose of this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because let’s face it, politics are everywhere these days, and we really need to take a break, chill out, belly up to the bar, and have a glass of your favorite beverage and talk about literally anything else. And don’t worry, our sober brothers and sisters, we got your backs too! So this week, we have to talk about social media, particularly Tik Tok. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about a Kool Aid Man social media challenge? The Kool Aid cocktail? Just vodka and Kool Aid? Have you ever heard of Jonestown? Come on, man! Yeah I’ll just stick to my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So my audience, I pose to you this – you know we always say here that social media may be the death of humanity. Well, the latest challenge now is that it literally has kids and teenagers attempting to recreate a popular commercial from the 1980s. It may have worked in cartoons, but it doesn’t necessarily work in real life.





Yeah that was an actual commercial from the 80s – which I grew up in the 80s, I knew that commercial very well. You know what? Let’s run the original ad.



That was a real commercial! So it’s literally got kids running into walls attempting to crash through them in the same way that commercial did. Come on, Tik Tok users, what the actual fuck are you doing here? I mean I thought eating laundry detergent pods was the epitome of stupid, and that was over 5 years ago, but now you seem to have outdone yourselves. I seriously wonder if the ER doctors who were on duty when these kids came in, couldn’t help but laugh at the stupidity when they were having drinks after their shift at the hospital.





Somehow I don’t think that bottle is going to be big enough! So not only will you get seriously hurt running into a wall, but if you damage a fence you could land property damages charges against you, and the last thing anybody wants is to go to court for your social media stupidity. But the crazy thing is that this shit is happening all over the country. All in this absurd quest to get likes and social media notoriety. Well, you’ll be notorious all right. Notorious as that dumbass who got hurt doing something stupid in order to make a viral video. And the last thing anyone wants to do right now is to go to the emergency room.





So people don’t do this. Don’t be a stupid idiot just to get likes. Although I will say that a lot of our currently elected representatives aren’t exactly being role models when it comes to doing and saying stupid things! Hey o! Oh shit that’s right, I forgot our one rule! Destroying property and hurting yourself in order to make a viral video when it’s happening all over the country is ridiculously stupid. You don’t want to get the police, fire department, and paramedics involved just because you were being a dumbass on social media. Stop it people, just stop it already! Because as I warned – social media has the potential to kill us all.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2022: Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back to the National For Fuck’s Sake Association’s annual Stupidest State tournament! Yes, the time has come to pit 16 states into a March Madness style tournament to select the best of the best, the stupidest of the stupid! The most idiotic and off the wall state in this great nation that we call the United States Of America! The winner of course will get the coveted DeLay trophy, which was named after NFFSA hall of famer Tom DeLay, who took Texas to an unprecedented 6 Stupidest State titles. We’re here live in Los Angeles at the fabulous YouTube Theater in Inglewood, California for all of the festivities, so let’s end the introductions and go to the floor, shall we?


[font size="4"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome, welcome, welcome! We are back everybody for the 6th year in a row! We’re extremely proud of last year’s champion, underdog #4 seed Tennessee, who trounced fan favorite #1 seed Georgia to take home the title! This year we have a lot of surprises in store for you as we look to head up this year’s tournament. Now allow me to explain the rules of the tournament. The first round will consist of two matches each week, while the second round will consist of one match each week. Then the Final Four will consist of two matches, and the Championship will consist of a single match. And also because we encourage gambling here, we give you the odds for each state in the tournament. You know the conferences – The Batshit Conference, The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, The Gun Nut Conference, and The Family Values Conference. 4 states will represent each conference, but only one will take home the title. So let’s do this thing!



[font size="4"]The Batshit Conference [/font]



Since 1894, the Batshit Conference is the largest and most distinctive conference in the league. These states are typically run by two parties – the right and the far right. States that have crazy people living in them and are represented by the craziest of the crazy. Sure, it’s one thing to let your MAGA freak flag fly in the back of your oversized gas guzzling pickup, you need 25 flags to express your love for that guy who we used to call president. You also think that the green M&M is hot and let all of your gas burners on the stove burn for the sake of owning the libs. The Batshit Conference – Proudly representing crazy since 1894!

1. Florida – After being humiliated in the last two years in the Gun Nut Conference, Florida finally made the decision to switch back to the Batshit Conference, where it has multiple opportunities to fly. Florida is represented by who could possibly be the craziest politician in America, Ron DeSantis. Florida is also home to Mar-A-Lago, the home of that former president, who has turned it into some sort of weird Studio 54 for insane conspiracy theorists on bath salts.
Smoking Gun: Ron DeSantis has initiated a hostile takeover of Reedy Creek, the governing body that controls Disney’s special tax district in Orlando, in what is sure to be a preview of what we can expect from his madness on a national level.
Odds: 2:1, Florida didn’t earn a top seed for nothing. They were one of the favorites during the regular season and are expected to go very far.

2. Kentucky – Kentucky is a fan favorite in this conference, but they’re facing some very stiff competition this year. Kentucky is home to beautiful scenery, bourbon, horse racing, bluegrass music, and some very ugly inner political strife. The state represented by Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell may be one of the most poorly educated states in the entire United States, and they are also one of the consistently unhappiest. Kentucky is home to monster truck jams and redneck rallies, but they’re also the home of some very sinister right wing politics!
Smoking Gun: A federal court has ruled in favor of a Louisville photographer who opposes same sex weddings.
Odds: 5:1: Kentucky is another that had a strong showing in the regular season, but their odds of overcoming Florida are extremely slim and may take a miracle.

3. South Dakota This may be a first for the Mt. Rushmore State, who had a strong showing last year. The home of Mt. Rushmore and the Sturgis Biker Rally, which became a staple for how to hold large groups of insane conspiracy theorists and vaccine deniers during the COVID pandemic, is represented by Kristi Noem. A woman who has advocated for years for holding a big Americagasm fireworks display behind Mt. Rushmore despite many warnings from the National Parks Department that the surrounding forest is a massive fire hazard waiting to happen.
Smoking Gun: Noem *AGAIN* petitioned the Biden administration for a fireworks show at Mt. Rushmore, but was very quickly denied.
Odds: 7:1, underdogs for sure in this tournament. But a quick upset and they could have the potential to turn things upside down in this tournament!

4. Arizona – The Grand Canyon state turned blue in the 2020 election and even bluer in the 2022 election, but that doesn’t mean that the state doesn’t have its’ fair share of insane MAGA lunatics attempting to fuck things up. After all, the state is the home of Maricopa County, a center for election denial theories and former batshit crazy gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake, and for years elected Sheriff Joe Arpaio to head the police. A man who is so crooked and disgusting that he’s the national symbol of police corruption and brutality.
Smoking Gun: Kari Lake again attempted to overturn the results of the 2022 election with massive lawsuits, only for them to be shot down in court, again.
Odds: 7:1 – Arizona may be the underdogs this year, but don’t rule them out completely. They had a strong showing during the regular season and an upset could have them going very far.

[font size="4"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference [/font]



Excessive greed is the name of the game in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference! You peasants make peanuts working for the man, who owns six mansions, a tax free haven in the Cayman Islands, and more luxury cars than you. It’s one thing that your boss makes ten zeroes on his paycheck. He needs another two or three zeroes on top of that. And there’s no discerning difference between the fact that your bills went up a significant amount and the fact that the company those bills are going to had their highest quarterly profits ever last year. Also since the inception of this conference, all of these states’ representatives are bought and paid for by Koch Industries, which is headed by ultra far right wing billionaire David Koch. The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: Proudly Going For Broke Since 1952!

1. Kansas – Dorothy may have gone to the Land Of Oz, where there’s no place like home, but Kansas is going for broke and it definitely shows. The state has the potential to turn into a blue state in the 2024 election but that’s going to be a very long climb out of the red – both literally and figuratively. Kansas, the home of Koch Industries, has long been a fan favorite in this conference and is expected to go very far in this tournament.
Smoking Gun: Kansas has voted against food relief in favor of passing a bill relieving their state debt. That’s right, the right wing would literally starve themselves before helping someone else.
Odds: 2:1, Kansas had another strong showing in the regular season this year, but they have shown injuries and weakness. But a healthy team will go very far in this tournament.

2. Nevada – Nevada is a swing state in the general election, and determining which way they go, they have the potential to be a major player in how elections turn out. So you can imagine that the corruption and greed flow very freely in the Silver State. But the Silver State is home to the casino and gambling industry. Nevada’s largest employers – MGM Resorts International, and Caesar’s Group, never fail to exploit workers and politicians in Las Vegas and Reno.
Smoking Gun: The Mirage Casino has had three dolphins die in the last year in what some are calling to be very suspicious and abusive treatment of animals.
Odds: 4:1 – Nevada was a fan favorite during the regular season and an upset could prove to be interesting during the tournament.

3. Ohio – After being humiliated in the Family Values Conference, Ohio went and came back crazier than ever. The state is represented by Mike DeWine and former hedge fund billionaire turned MAGA United States senator J.D. Vance. The recent train derailment disaster in East Palestine is a perfect example of what happens when excessive corporate greed goes way too far. That disaster was a conservative clusterfuck and could cement Ohio’s place in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference.
Smoking Gun: Ohio is home to some of the highest prescription drug prices in the entire country. Just don’t get sick and you should be fine.
Odds: 5:1 – Ohio is a very popular team and has the potential to shock the pundits and go extremely far in this tournament. Upsets could make bank!

4. Wisconsin – The Badger State is always a fan favorite in this tournament. The state can go either way in an election, and depending on how they vote, a whole bunch of the surrounding states may vote with them or against them. Wisconsin may be turning into a blue state, but that doesn’t stop the GOP supermajority from screwing over the state in favor of gerrymandering and record corporate profits. Wisconsin is home to America’s cheese industry and also the doomsday prepper and sovereign citizens movements. So yeah it’s a melting pot of corporate greed and right wing insanity, for sure.
Smoking Gun: An 8 lane highway expansion has been intentionally routed through one of the poorest neighborhoods in the state because, reasons.
Odds: 10:1 – A decent showing in the regular season put Wisconsin ahead of its’ competition, but injuries could deter the Badger State from going far in the regular tournament.

[font size="4"]The Gun Nut Conference [/font]



When the phrase “family protection” means that you don’t have enough guns and your kids can’t get enough ammo, then the Gun Nut Conference is for you! It’s the conference where the debate between concealed carry and open carry is considered to be a contact sport. It’s not enough to have some big guns, you have to have the biggest guns who’ve ever gunned. You don't just need an AR-15, you need a rocket launcher capable of taking out a police helicopter. You’re a loud and extremely proud ammosexual who’s not afraid to take his or her semi-automatic weapon on a dinner date to Chili’s. And being an ammosexual means that you spend your days shooting the rats that hang out in your backyard and your nights on Zoom conferences with other gun nuts trying to figure out the best way to overthrow the government. You want enough weapons and ammo to take out a small army. It’s the conference where “Shall not be infringed” means that you shall not literally infringe. So yeah buy all the guns and ammo you want because nobody’s stopping you! These are also the states where your gun accidentally going off isn't just a metaphor, either! And yes, that is also a gun in your pants, The Gun Nut Conference: Shooting First And Asking Questions Later Since 1896.

1. Texas – Texas is a state so synonymous with America’s undying love of the firearm that it’s been the butt of jokes in movies, TV shows, and stand up comedy worldwide. And it wears its’ gun pride on its’ sleeve. It’s the home of cowboy billionaires and rural gun nuts alike, and they had a ridiculously strong showing in the regular season after long time rivals Florida ditched the Gun Nut Conference for greener pasters in the Batshit Conference. But really nobody does guns like the Lone Star State does guns!
Smoking Gun: Texas shot down (ha!) what could have been one of the biggest and most expansive gun control bills in the country, in a move that everybody saw coming.
Odds: 2:1 – Texas owns this conference, and was one of the highest seated teams in the regular season. They didn’t earn that #1 seed for nothing. Expect them to go far!

2. Missouri – The Show Me State may have bowed out of last year’s tournament early, but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t upgrade their arsenal to advance to the #2 slot in this year’s tournament. While Texas may be #1 when it comes to their love of the gun, is coming for Texas and they could make for a great first showing in this tournament. In fact, Missouri has some of the craziest gun laws in the world and also are a hot bed for some of this country’s white supremacist activities.
Smoking Gun: Newly elected MAGA representative Eric Burlison is attempting to repeal one of the oldest gun regulation laws in the country!
Odds: 5:1 – A massive upgrade propelled Missouri to have the second best record in the Flyover League. They could give Texas a serious run for their money!

3. Montana – The Treasure State is a hot bed for Christian nationalism and white supremacist activities. In fact so much that their governor – Greg Gianforte – a man who became famous after body slamming a reporter for asking questions about his run for governor – is the head of this state now. Not to be outdone, the state’s sole representative is Ryan Zinke – yes that’s right. A famous anti-government activist and noted white supremacist douchebag – is also a representative of the state. So you know that their cowboy and right wing freak flags are flying loud and proud!
Smoking Gun: Greg Gianforte said that Montana won’t enforce a strict new ATF rule banning pistol braces. Go ahead, shoot yourselves, they don’t care!
Odds: 7:1 – Montana had a strong showing in the regular season, but some key injuries could prevent them from going far in the tournament.

4. Idaho – The Gem State is back for another go round in this year’s tournament. They are continuing to be a fan favorite in the Gun Nut Conference and they also had a strong showing in the regular season. Outside of Boise, Idaho is represented by the farm industry and with farmers come some really big guns and really insane politicians that don’t care who owns them. Taking your gun on a dinner date to Chipotle has never been easier in the Gem State!
Smoking Gun: Idaho is considering bringing back death penalty execution by firing squad.
Odds: 10:1 – They came back from near elimination in the regular season, but some key upgrades could have them see a strong showing in the Gun Nut Conference!

[font size="4"]The Family Values Conference [/font]



All things are about Jesus in the Family Values Conference! It’s the conference where you wear the double edged sword on your sleeve, and other parts of your body! It’s the states where your social circle and all forms of entertainment come from the church. These states are run by the church and make laws based on who’s holier than thou. It’s the states where your highest aspirations are Liberty University or maybe Brigham Young is more to your liking. Where the women are supposed to spend all day in the kitchen and their nights making babies. And the men are supposed to be the manliest men who have ever manned. It’s the states where the Red Hot Chili Peppers are replaced with Mercy Me on the radio, and Nicholas Cage movies are replaced with Left Behind flicks. The Family Values Conference: Proudly representing those old fashioned fire and brimstone values since 1896!

1. Tennessee Last year’s champions handily took the number one seed for a very good reason. Abortion. Especially in the aftermath of last year’s devastating overturn of the Supreme Court decision known as Roe V. Wade. The Volunteer State also has another ace up their sleeve – their banning of gender affirming care and trans women in sports based on insane internet conspiracy theories. Tennessee legislative bodies have been dominated by the holier than thou crowd for the last few years and it really shows.
Smoking Gun: A law that could eliminate gender affirming care for minors has passed the TN house.
Odds: 2:1 – Coming in as one of the hottest teams in the tournament, Tennessee has the potential to go very far and could take the Layover League!

2. Arkansas – Arkansas is one of the best in the Family Values and for good reason. They are a state of, by, and for the church. The Razorbacks also are led by governor Sarah Sanders, who hasn't even been the governor for too long, but has already laid waste to Arkansas' educational system and has rolled back our basic constitutional rights. Oh and she's also said the quiet part out loud on multiple occasions.
Smoking Gun: New Arkansas governor Sarah Sanders signed into law a rollback of child labor provisions.
Odds: 7:1, Always a favorite in the Family Values conference, but some key injuries kept them from reaching the #1 seed. They could go far, or bow out early.

3. Utah – A brand newcomer to the tournament, the Beehive State may have been the home of the 2023 NBA All Star Game, but they’re also home to the Mormon Church, which dominates all aspects of day life and night life in the Beehive State. The state may be home to some of this country’s most scenic natural beauty, some amazing skiing opportunities, and the Park City Film Festival, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not hiding this state’s inner ugly with some insane religious laws.
Smoking Gun: Utah at the request of a whining parent, subjected a female athlete to some horrifying tests to prove her gender.
Odds: 5:1 – Utah proved the pundits wrong in their quest to make their first tournament in NFFSA history and it shows! Ones to watch for sure!

4. Oklahoma – Texas's neighbors to the north are trying to outdo their neighbors in the craziest ways possible with some draconian anti-trans and anti-LGBT legislation in the works. The state is led by family values champion Kevin Stitt, whose sun got caught intoxicated while possessing a firearm. Oklahoma conservatives also seem bent on ending public education and support for the Cherokee Nation. And they also have some major hateful anti-LGBT laws in the books and a GOP supermajority with nothing to stop them from passing.
Smoking Gun: Oklahoma's draconian anti-trans laws that have already been passed are considering people to think twice about moving to the Sooner State!
Odds: 7:1 - Don't rule out Oklahoma to win the Family Values Conference. They were a fan favorite during the regular season and it was for a good reason!

[font size="4"]The Schedule: [/font]



[font size="4"]The Bracket [/font]



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

When we come back on March 16th, it’s Round 1 Week 1, and that will put #1 Kansas against #2 Nevada in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Missouri takes on #4 Idaho! And we're live at the home of the world champion Los Angeles Football Club, the BMO Stadium for the tournament kick off! Let’s do this! Don’t forget to follow us on Mastodon for updates and updated brackets!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Post Malone[/font]


Folks my next guest, you know him, you love him, his latest album is called “Twelve Carat Toothache”, you can see him with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Mars Volta through June 30th. Playing his song “I Like You”, give it up for Post Malone!



Thank you Portland! This was fun! We’ll be back again soon! We’re taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on March 16th live from Washington, DC! See you in two weeks!

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