TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalRomney Retires; Boebert Jacks Guy Off in Public (Ferret!)
Back in September, 2012, on the very night the famous 47% video leaked, I was approached by a man claiming to be a time traveler from the future, who snickeringly insisted I’d miss Mittens when his career in electoral politics finally ended. Naturally, I dismissed this as the raving of a lunatic, owing in no small part to the bathrobe and luchador mask the man wore.
(The preceding gag makes more sense on my site, as will most of this post: https://showercapblog.com/romney-retires-boebert-jacks-guy-off-in-public/)
But now, as Willard rides off into the sunset, with the family dog strapped to the roof of his horse, a dumbfounded nation wonders just how the fuck it landed at a point where a dressage horse-owning vulture capitalist retiring from the Senate would be considered anything but wonderful news.
I’ll leave the complexities of his legacy to the thinkpiecesmiths at the fancy magazines, but for tonight, I’m willing to focus on what unites us, like shared disdain for taint remoras like Josh Hawley and JD Vance.
Kevin McCarthy was on the hottest streak of his speakership. But then, the House’s six-week summer recess ended, and he had no choice but to clock back in at the job he does so very, very poorly. Hope we survive.
Watching Kev’s Kooky Kakistocrats go about their business is like watching turds knife-fight in a burning dumpster. Extrapolating conservatively from the week’s events, it’s reasonable to assume that by the time you read this, Kevin will be stumbling around the Republican cloakroom with his face stuck in a plunger, emitting muffled cries for aid, while Chip Roy crawls on the ceiling like the Trainspotting baby, hissing periodically.
Poor Keville Chamberlain figured a baseless impeachment hearing would serve as a suitable Sudetenland substitute for the let-it-all-burn corner of his caucus, but as usual, he was wrong. (Because he’s a fucking idiot, you see.) When a skeevy little crotchrash like Matt Gaetz can casually stroll onto the House floor to threaten you in the broad light of day, one thing you are definitely not is in charge.
Near as I can figure, the plan is to shut down the government unless everyone agrees to replace the Constitution with This One Wet Dream Grover Norquist Had After Huffing Ether With Steve Bannon, and accepting anything less earns McCarthy a one-way ticket to the Old Speaker’s Home upstate, where he’ll be spoon-fed soft foods, and pass his remaining days staring off into empty space alongside the defeated, expressionless husks of Paul Ryan and John Boehner.
On the impeachment push, I think the emergence of Ken freakin’ Buck as the voice of reason demonstrates how far down the rabbit hole we’ve fallen. Marjorie Taylor Greene has denounced Ken as a commie RINO traitor for spoiling the fun by drawing attention to the lack of supporting evidence, and she’s now proposing legislation to commandeer the Jewish space lasers to deal with his heresy.
Incidentally, the most pro-terrorist member of the U.S. House of Representatives celebrated 9/11 by once again calling for secession, but what Joe Biden did was way worse, marking the anniversary in some foreign shithole called, like, “Alaska,” I wanna say?
Succumbing once more to his losing-in-court kink, Off-Brand Orbán filed a motion seeking Judge Tanya Chutkan’s recusal from…from…oh hell, one of the trials, who can keep ‘em all straight? Chutkan couldn’t possibly preside fairly, y’see, given her well-documented anti-terrorism bias.
He’s suing one of the other judges, too…the fraud trial, maybe? My scorecard is completely fucking illegible at this point. And now I see Jack Smith’s asking him to kindly refrain from terrorizing witnesses and potential jurors, a request he has handled with his customary grace and dignity.
Also, the Velveeta Vulgarian sat down with Megyn Kelly, to chat about Santa’s inherent whiteness, and to helpfully confess to several of the crimes he’s been charged with. Kelly, to her credit, managed to get through the whole hour without any blood coming out of her wherever. Hopefully they can do a follow-up, where they get to the bottom of precisely who gave Dr. Fauci that presidential commendation he signed.
Pootie Tang wants the mean ol’ American justice system to stop persecutin’ his little buddy, and maybe he’ll find time to issue another statement to that effect once he’s done begging Kim Jong-un for ammunition. You wouldn’t happen to have any spare submarines lying around, wouldja, comrade?
I, like tens, if not hundreds of millions of Americans, slept soundly for the first time in goodness knows how long, secure in the knowledge that the nation’s most notorious falsifier of ATF form 4473 would finally face incict-y, special counsel-y justice. I’d like to thank all those brave patriots who made this day possible, by threatening the prosecutors and FBI agents on the Hunter Biden beat; America is finally great again, nice work.
Seems free speech absolutist Elon Musk has been “throttling” the New York Times like it was, I dunno, a Ukrainian sea drone headed for the child-murdering Russian fleet or somethin’. He probably just doesn’t want anything distracting folks from his posts parroting the Chinese Communist Party line. Or the anti-Semitism. Anyway, it’s the ADL’s fault.
Meanwhile, Wisconsin Republicans continued their authoritarian assault on democracy, and also their other authoritarian assault on democracy.
Ronnie DiSappointus attempted to reverse his collapse into nonexistence by circling back to vaccine disinformation, that old chestnut, during the latest Covid surge. Yeah, killing off the handful of folks still paying attention seems like sound strategy, Governor. Proceed.
Elsewhere in the shared delusion some insist upon referring to as a presidential primary, Nikki “the Normal One” Haley added failed Senate candidate/furry litter box detective Don Bolduc as her New Hampshire campaign chair, while Chris Christie pledged to dog the Dotard’s heels, where’er he may roam, presumably to fetch his McDonald’s. And Doug Burgum shot a man, just to watch him die. Possibly. Who would know?
Foghorn Leghorn, down on his luck in this age of CGI and AI, has been reduced to phone sex work, the latest tragic…hang on, I’m receiving a correction…I see, yes. My mistake, that was actually Louisiana Senator John Kennedy, during a Judiciary Committee hearing.
Ron Johnson thinks windmills are somehow “killing the whales.” With sound. Windmills emit sinister, whale-destroying noises, according to the (checks notes) three-term U.S. Senator. Sigh. As always, this installment of the smash hit segment Stupid Fake Shit Ron Johnson Believes is brought to you by Acme brand horse paste, the paste your horse (and also your cousin who never left home) craves most.
Should future denizens of DeSantistan, brains rotted by PragerU videos, select Marco Rubio for enshrinement in the Capitol rotunda, he will surely be depicted furiously waving a copy of Sound of Freedom, probably on VHS, in commemoration of his heroic struggle to restore a couple of cancelled military screenings of the QAnon favorite. Truly, giants walk among us.
Word on the street is Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski have been making the beast with two backs and no brains. And it would be so great if that was the grossest thing we had to talk about tonight.
However.
Two hours ago, I thought the following paragraph would sufficiently serve this blog post’s needs:
“Lauren Boebert staged her own, personal microriot at the Buell Theatre in Denver, vaping next to a pregnant woman, and attempting to overturn the “Jump in the Line” scene of Beetlejuice: the Musical, alleging it was “rigged.” Fortunately, she was thwarted before she could storm the stage and bear-spray the actor portraying Otho.”
But there’s been a late-breaking update to the story. So late-breaking, in fact, that I’m unable to compose an accompanying gag, but it’s not like I could hope to improve on Boebert Appeared to Fondle Date’s Penis in Packed Theater as She Put His Hand on Her Breasts.
Looking forward to all the devout family values types demanding her resignation for handjobbing a dude in a room full of families with children, aren’t you?
…I get why Mitt would walk away, is all I’m sayin’. And I think the one thing I’d say to him tonight would have to be FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TAKE ME WITH YOU. But I doubt there’s room in the car elevator, so I’m stuck here. At least there’s beer. And with that ever-so-subtle rattle of the tip jar, (now accepting Venmo and PayPal!) I’ll sign off for now. You stay safe out there, friend. And yeah, join me on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, @john_luzar if you’re so inclined.
"People Doing Poems on Aircraft Carriers" & Other Atrocities (Ferret!)
Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news:
(You know the drill, links version here: https://showercapblog.com/people-doing-poems-on-aircraft-carriers-other-atrocities/)
The GOP’s presidential front-runner was found liable for defaming the woman he was previously found liable for sexually assaulting, and yet again I find myself shamed by the dazzling moral purity of the religious right. I repent of my heathen beliefs, that lying and rape are wrong. What a fool I’ve been.
And Off-Brand Orbán’s DiMaggio-esque getting-whooped-in-court streak rolled on with no signs of slowing, as Marm-a-Lago IT guy Yuscil Taveras flipped on him, joining the ever-growing list of co-defendants coming to the eminently reasonable conclusion that going to prison for a conspiracy of dipshits who won’t stop publicly confessing doesn’t make a lick of sense.
Oh, and Ann Coulter called him a “gigantic pussy.” I bet Ivanka still won’t fuck him, either.
Animatronic Chuck E. Cheese rat granted a hideous approximation of life by a monkey’s paw Ron DeSantis refused to meet with President Biden during the latter’s visit to hurricane-damaged Florida communities, calculating that a little petulant cowardice might reverse his freefall in the polls.
Bro, that ship has sailed, sunk, and been excavated during a live National Geographic special titled What’s Realer: Atlantis, or Ron DeSantis’ Chances at Ever Getting Elected President? It is 31 flavors of over, son.
Then again, perhaps the death cult can be enticed with the prospect of extralegal violence targeting migrants? Why not swing on down, take in a little of the culture the Governor has built in Florida? Ok, tell you what, how about taxpayer-funded PS5s and Disney tix for homeschoolers? No? I understand. Ron’s personality defects were clearly pander-proof from the beginning.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I simply cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
After obliterating 90% of his expensive new toy’s value in less than a year, Elon Musk found himself in dire, desperate need of a scapegoat. But after making so many epically fucking stupid decisions in full view of the entire world, how could even the richest man alive, equipped with (the tattered remnants of) his own, personal social media platform, hope to deflect culpability?
Inspiration struck like a thunderbolt. “By Jove, I’ve got it! I shall blame…the Jews!”
And blame the Jews he did, visions of reclaiming his squandered billions by suing the Anti-Defamation League dancing through his otherwise pudding-filled noggin.
We also learned Elon sabotaged a Ukrainian military strike on the Russian fleet, thereby enabling months of murderous missile launches, because he truly is what he appears to be: the bad guy from the eighth installment of some irritatingly labyrinthine James Bond fanfic where they kept casting George Lazenby.
Former Grand High Proud Boi (Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything) Enrique Tarrio won a 22-year reprieve from stressful decisions like “should I go someplace today” and “when will the lights in my bedroom go on and off,” such are the wages of seditious conspiracy. Well…bye.
Of course, nothing pisses Cult45 off quite like watching terrorists pay for their crimes. I haven’t seen Sarah Palin this upset since the last time one of her shitsack kids got arrested.
Watch out, America, if 2024 doesn’t go Mike Huckabee’s way, he’s gonna gather all his pedophile pals and large adult sons together and start shootin’ up the joint! Like so many Republicans, Mike’s caught Civil War Fever, but don’t worry, it’s nothing a few doses of horse paste can’t fix.
Wisconsin Republicans have no intention of allowing a trivial inconvenience like the clearly stated will of the electorate to interfere with their minoritarian stranglehold on political power, so they’re looking into impeaching newly elected Supreme Court Justice Janet Protasiewicz before she hears a single case. You give the plebs an inch of self-determination, they’ll take a mile, y’know.
Ordered to redraw their hellaciously racist congressional gerrymander to include a second majority-Black district, Alabama Republicans instead exhumed George Wallace’s skeleton and left it, middle fingers fully extended, on the courthouse steps, so an additional judicial spanking has been administered. Boy, good thing John Roberts realized racism is over and gutted the Voting Rights Act, huh?
Senator Sherlock Tuberville uncovered the dastardly deep state plot to feminize and woke-ify the U.S. military via “people doing poems on aircraft carriers,” so the Illuminati had to act fast to contain the damage. At press time, doctors were uncertain Tuberville would recover from the 3-6 new assholes Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro tore him on CNN.
Well, whaddya know, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis actually declined to prosecute a number of prominent traitors, despite grand jury recommendations, including ascendant American fascism’s yappiest lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham.
And you’d think Lindsey would look upon the smoking wreckage of what was once Jim Jordan, and simply express gratitude at managing to stay out of Hurricane Fani’s path, but it’s just not in his nature. Kissing Donnie Dotard’s ass sure is, though.
During a rare break from decorating Trump mugshots with his seed, Jesse Watters stumbled out in front of his prime time Fox audience to ask, “Is the government controlling the weather with laser beams?” so if you thought the $787 million Dominion defamation payout would slow the Marjorie Taylor Greenification of the wingnut media bubble…think again.
Speaking of Marj, Rolling Stone took us “Inside MTG and Kari Lake’s ‘Death Race’ To Become Trump’s VP.” If you’re wondering what such a race entails, see, Jason Miller puts a paper bag over each participant’s head, and then they wait to see who wanders into traffic or starves to death first.
JD Vance thinks schoolchildren who don’t want to catch preventable, potentially lethal diseases are sissies, and that maybe they’d toughen the fuck up if we mandated wedgies and swirlies instead of masks.
Republican strategists have apparently deluded themselves into believing they can rebrand their way out of the electoral consequences of stealing bodily autonomy from millions of American women, so they’re looking for a snazzy replacement for the old, stale, “pro-life” label. Coming soon: Diet, Caffeine-Free Patriarchy! With Splenda! It’s LIT!
Peter Navarro finally earned the coveted Trump Scout “convicted of a federal crime” merit badge, but at least he made a new friend. Meanwhile, Mark Meadows lost his bid to move his Fulton County case to federal court, while remaining largely friendless.
Turns out Jeffrey Clark is more than just the fashy little bureautwerp who volunteered to rubber stamp any edict necessary to facilitate the destruction of American democracy, he’s also a religious weirdo, who denounced the Burning Man festival as “a neopagan ritual.” Well, depending on how the election goes, Jeff’ll be either in prison, or some cabinet-level Minster of Culture post, can’t wait to find out which!
In an earth-shaking Newsmax exposé, Megyn Kelly revealed the Obamas secretly shadow-puppet Joe Biden via a Being John Malkovich-style portal into his rapidly decaying old man brain. Michelle handles the lion’s share of the puppetry, which frees up Barack’s time for hobbies like crack smoking and having sex with con men. Santa’s still white, too, incidentally.
Meanwhile, the world trembles before the fearsome might of Czar Vladimir’s mighty Russian empire reborn…or it will, anyway, assuming his groveling session with Kim Jong-un goes well enough to secure enough dusty, Soviet-era ammunition to go on slaughtering children for a few more months.
It’s enough to drive a man to drink. Oh hell, it looks like Chuck Todd raided my beer fridge, but anyone who feels like chipping in on the restock can do so now via PayPal or Venmo,PayPal or Venmo, if you didn’t already know. No worries either way. I’ll see you in a week, you stay safe out there till then. Oh, and I’m still trying to rebuild the ol’following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can be found @john_luzar.
Hey, Did I Miss Anything? (Ferret? FERRET!)
Well, hello there. Been a minute. Let’s see if I remember how to do this. Orange Man…good? Do I have that right? Anyway, I’ve returned from summer vacation, ready to resume the fight to take the country back from the busloads of socialist groomer antifas, and make America so goshdarn great again.
(As ever, https://showercapblog.com/hey-did-i-miss-anything/ is where you click t’get links n’ overstimulating colors)
Hmmm. Might be a bit rusty. Well, I’ll figure it out. Have you lost weight, by the way? Your ass looks great in those pants.
Hope I didn’t miss anything too important. Like maybe an unceasing cycle of increasingly inane culture war thinkpiece skirmishes over some rando’s country song? Or, I dunno, some former President and his dipshit co-conspirators getting indicted on a whole buncha felony counts?
I confess, despite years of reading and writing about these dorks, I was unprepared for the intensity of the shitfit the Children of the Candy Corn pitched at the sight of that mugshot. What a delightful meltdown. Historically, it has been necessary to procure a golden ticket to the Wonka factory to witness such wonders.
Jesse Watters dry-humped the photo in Tucker Carlson’s old chair, moaning ecstatically about how “good” and “hard” inmate number P01135809 looked, in addition to super-convincing proclamations of his own “unblemished record of heterosexuality,” before inviting RFK Jr to join him in a rousing game of “soggy mugshot.”
Dinesh D’Souza thinks it makes the Dotard “the ultimate gangsta.” Laura Loomer expressed the agreed-upon view that getting booked in what she refers to as “the blackest jail (in) the state of Georgia” magically delivers the Black vote on a silver platter, which I think demonstrates the intellectual prowess of the white nationalist movement rather elegantly.
Yeah, I bet that’s what happens, Laura. I hear Jim Clyburn’s gonna switch parties and endorse at the next Unite the Right rally.
Now Sarah Palin wants a civil war, and I think if we agree in advance to provide humanitarian aid, in the form of a few Hereford ranches’ worth of dewormer, we can leave the rest to natural selection.
Mugshot merch is all the rage, of course. Gotta have the latest t-shirt on while you’re chanting “lock her up” alongside all the other rubes, right? “Hillary for Prison” is so 2016.
Still, I grudgingly congratulate the guy for weighing in at a svelte 215 pounds at the time of his arrest. (Stormy Daniels swapped gigs with Daniel Dale to provide fact-checking on that claim. And though I’m generally a Dale fan, I suggest you pass on his end of that bargain.)
Anyway, Tangerine Idi Amin hoped to delay his many trials until such time as Elon could make good on that promise to deliver brain-swapping technology, (so THAT’S what Eric is for!) but, as in all his endeavors, from denuclearizing the Korean Peninsula to taming the wily umbrella…he failed.
And so we have a trial date. March 4th. rIGhT BeFOrE suPeR TuESDaY, so primary season in the land of bomb threats targeting libraries just got even zanier, which makes me extra grateful that so many of the Very Proudest of Boyz will be spending this election cycle (and the next one and the next one and the next one) in time out.
He’s just worried he’ll miss Chris Christie’s concession speech; and sure, “just DVR it,” you’re thinking, but imagine how difficult it must be to operate a remote control with those stunted, ineffectual phalanges. You heartless bastards.
When Team DiSappointus named their super PAC “Never Back Down,” you knew there was no fucking way the universe’s many hubris-abhorring gods were gonna let that shit slide, and sure enough, they’re already pulling door-knockers from key states. Too busy harassing nosey 15-year-olds, y’see. Roomer has it the candidate will be dropping out soon, anyway.
DeSantis worked hard to transform himself into the sort of fellow who gets booed at a vigil for victims of a hate crime, because you can’t get anywhere in Republican politics without being the sort of fellow who gets booed at a vigil for victims of a hate crime, but possessed as he is with the inescapable gawkiness of birthday clown on the sex offender registry in the uncanny valley, Ron finds himself losing ground to the more personable bigots.
Which brings us to the latest belle of the MAGA ball, who, owing to the front-runner’s cowardice, had the braying jackass lane all to himself at the first debate. Vivek Ramaswamy blathers endlessly on like a chatbot that’s been fed nothing but Breitbart op-eds, Ashley Madison profiles, and low-quality meth, so naturally, an increasing number of Republican primary voters want to invest him with the authority to launch nuclear strikes.
Ramaswamy spouts so much stupid, stupid shit, even Fox has started calling him out. His foreign policy ramblings have been proclaimed “criminally stupid” by no less an authority than Marc Thiessen, who was undoubtedly thrilled to find himself on the other end of that designation for a change.
Devastatingly, in the midst of this increased scrutiny, Ramaswamy will no longer be permitted to lose himself in either the music or the moment on the campaign trail, because he doesn’t own it, Eminem does, and it seems Mr. Mathers is understandably less than eager to see his work associated with a fashy little twerp’s bid for power.
Just a heads-up: if Vivek compensates by debuting a karaoke rendition of Rich Men North of Richmond, I’m retiring. Anyway, though denounced as a false Slim Shady, he still managed to procure the coveted O.J. Simpson endorsement.
Couldn’t help but grin at the headline “Super PAC mounts major effort to carry Burgum back to the debate stage,” because that was actually the backup plan for Sisyphus, if it turned out he was somehow really into rolling boulders uphill.
Meanwhile, Kevin McCarthy’s trying to bribe the Chip Roy wing of his feral caucus with the prospect of an impeachment inquiry he lacks both the evidence and the votes for, but Chip won’t bite, saying he believes not shutting the government down will give his dog autism.
Yes, here in the most advanced nation in human history, damn near 40% of the dog-owning public thinks “vaccines could cause cognitive issues in dogs and may lead them to develop autism,” because it’s not enough anymore to simply take that suicide dive from our perch atop the food chain, we’ve got to drag everybody else down with us.
Tennessee House Republicans voted to silence the previously expelled, since reelected Rep. Justin Jones, in case anybody thought previous outbursts of racist authoritarianism were outliers brought on by spoiled fish in the Capitol cafeteria.
What else, what else….CPAC and Project Veritas are rotting to death from within, and Mike Lindell had his line of credit cut off, but somehow the Consequences Fairy still has time to visit the Giuliani household damn near every day. Santa’s a cuuuuuuuck.
I find myself envying future generations the experience of reading the inevitable multi-volume Rudy Giuliani biography. What a satisfying ride that will be. Book One: Rudy Fucks Around charts the rise of an authentic American monster, as he attains wealth and power, and worse, acclaim and admiration. By the time he’s Time Magazine’s Person of the Year and presidential front-runner, the reader will be grinding their teeth at all the unchecked fuckery.
Then along comes Book Two: Rudy Finds Out, which picks up at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, and delivers 500-or-so pages of sweet, slapstick comeuppance. “But Grandpa, there’s no way the Borat thing really happened, right?” and I’ll just smirk a little smirk and unwrap another Werther’s Original.
Anyhow, Rudy’s been found liable for defaming a pair of Georgia election workers, and word is Jack Smith may charge him with operating an autogolpe with a blood alcohol concentration over the legal limit, oh, and also he was possibly compromised by Russian intelligence, according to an FBI whistleblower.
I do enjoy watching traitors squirm as the law closes in. Been a good week for that. Eastman, Meadows, Navarro…keep ‘em comin’, says I.
Well, I made myself write out “I will take the high road regarding Mitch McConnell’s health struggles” on the blackboard 5,952 times, but what ultimately enabled me to persevere was my long-standing determination to resemble the ghouls who hang out with Laura Ingraham as little as possible.
Hey, filthy communists! If you want Ted Cruz’s Real Murican beers, which are definitely not Bud Lights, COME (to Cancún) AND TAKE ‘EM! They are manly, explicitly anti-woke beers, and he will be drinking WAY MORE of them than two a week, no matter what Fauci mandates! TED WILL NOT COMPLY*!
I see Clarence Thomas finally fessed up to being Hitler-collecting American oligarch Harlan Crow’s sugar baby, allowing him to return, with a clear conscience, to the important work of imposing Harlan’s policy preferences on an unwilling public.
If anybody needs me, I’ll be camped out in front of whatever venue winds up hosting the first debate of the Arizona Republican Senate primary. Blake Masters vs. Kari Lake? Dear lord. What’re they gonna argue about, the date JFK Jr. finally comes back?
Well, missed a few stories, might take me a couple weeks to get back into the swing of things, but it’s a start. Cap’s back, bay-bee!
Hey, I’m running behind, so I’m not going to be as eloquent as I’d like, but I do want to thank everyone who reached out with a message of support after the ol’ pre-hiatus breakdown. I read every word, two or three times over, and I can’t express how much they meant, at a time when I really fuckin’ needed the encouragement. And the beer, of course.
The time away was, as I’d hoped, rejuvenating, and I suppose I’m as close to working my shit out as any of us ever are, so let’s get back to work. Ascendant American fascism isn’t gonna shovel itself onto the ash heap of history, y’know…
Oh, and I’m making a half-assed attempt to rebuild the following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, ahead of some comic book activity. @john_luzar if you’re interested.
*Unless you insult his wife and father first.
Friends, It's Time For a Break (Ferret)
Well, Walt Nauta and his boss got indicted, so I guess there’s a civil war now? Being American is so fucking embarrassing sometimes.
(U know u want the links version: https://showercapblog.com/friends-its-time-for-a-break/)
Because wide swaths of the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history have been overrun by aggressively overcommitted LARPers who refuse to go home and shower, life in these United States remains dangerous in all sorts of dumb, irritating ways.
It’s hard to watch a cut-rate carny like Kari Lake do her carny damndest to incite mob violence without resenting the sheer mediocrity of this fucking movement, isn’t it?
GO HOME AND SHOWER, YOU DORKS. You’ve been sweating farm-grade ivermectin into your cosplay headdresses for seven years now, and you smell weird. I get that you’re upset about the indictments, but it’s not my fault the nincompoop you chose to worship turned out to be such an inept criminal. The warning signs were always there, y’know.
Off-Brand Orbán kicked off his defense as any innocent man would: by feeding the prosecutor’s wife’s name to his loyal murder mob. Made sure to take care of that before tending to insignificant details like replacing the lawyers who quit upon discovering he’d lied to them about the whole “stealing classified intelligence” thing.
See, the lawyers weren’t telling him what he wanted to hear, (in this case, “well of course secret war plans are your personal property!”) so he went in search of something vaguely lawyer-shaped that would, and he found Tom Fitton. Tom has a B.A. in English and some zany misapprehensions about the Presidential Records Act, so I bet he’ll fit right in at Sidney Powell’s weekly poker game.
Anyway, the Dotard celebrated this latest round of felony charges by skipping out on the check after tricking some of his most faithful followers into thinking he’d pay for their lunch. Hey, if you’re still falling for this crap at this late date, you don’t deserve lunch.
Of course, Joe Biden’s done tons of stuff that’s way worse than hiding stolen defense secrets in the bathroom where Eric touches himself to anime porn. And while Chuck Grassley and James Comer can’t technically back up their wild allegations with anything you’d call “evidence” per se, they’ll be launching impeachment proceedings just as soon as they hear back from this one guy who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who read it on a bathroom stall door in the Pizzagate restaurant basement.
Joe’s perpetratin’ all sorts of tyrannies, actually, including, as Ted Cruz notes, “murdering children dressed as the devil under a full moon while singing Pat Benatar.” Noot Gingrich blew the whistle on the Biden Administration plot to “force every American to drink Bud light and shop at Target,” while Ben Shapiro obtained a leaked copy of draft legislation that would replace grade school math and reading with “Bert and Ernie in assless chaps in the Sesame Street pride parade."
Chaps are inherently assless, Ben. It’s like saying ATM machine.
DeSantistan Attorney General Ashley Moody says, "I believe at this point the Biden administration is coordinating with the cartels,” no doubt to clandestinely smuggle the missing ass portion of the chaps for some nefarious, grooming-related activity.
Ronward himself vowed to rename some military bases after dead losers, looking to pander to the MAGA base, which is comprised entirely of future dead losers.
Asa Hutchinson asked the RNC to kindly add a Does Not Apply to Convicted Felons, Obviously addendum to the loyalty pledge you have to sign to get on the primary debate stage, and the RNC said, “lol what part of ‘suicide pact’ is unclear to you, bro?”
The Republican Party appreciates your concern, Asa, but they’re not quite done debasing themselves on behalf of this particular game show host. From Jim Jordan to Lil’ Marco to Lindsey Graham to…to…
…and it was here, my friends, as I was trying to craft a gag that would pair with a link to Tom Nichols’ latest evisceration of J.D. Vance, that I got hit with what I’m fairly certain was a real motherfucker of an anxiety attack.
Had ‘em before, but never the feels-like-a-heart-attack variety, so I freaked the fuck out and went to the hospital, hence the lack of a Friday nite post. Womp womp. They assured me nothing’s seriously wrong, and we’re doing some more tests next week.
Anyway, in the waiting room, I’m scrolling through Twitter, and I see Jesse Watters is trending, for, it turns out, a casually dehumanizing diatribe targeting the homeless, and it occurs to me that maybe pouring evil into my skull 24/7 isn’t the healthiest choice.
Folks, I need a break. I’ve been feeling burned out for some time now, but I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself about the toll seven years of this shit has taken on me. I need to unplug for a bit. Smell some flowers. Spend a few summer evenings in my favorite Chicago beer gardens, talking about anything but the latest turd to fall from Marjorie Taylor Greene’s mouth.
How long a break? I dunno. Off the top off my head, Labor Day seems like a good target. Gonna percolate on it for a spell. I will let you know.
I don’t say it as often as I should, but I appreciate the hell out of everyone who’s supported this blog over the years. You changed my life. Saved it, probably. I stumbled into this thing backwards, just as I was coming to grips with the fact that my theatre degree was not, as I initially believed, a one-way ticket to fame and fortune.
Anyway, I’m grateful. Thank you. I will back, recharged and rejuvenated. Until then, as ever, you stay safe out there, my friends.
PS - In the interest of completeness, here’re some links to stories I wasn’t able to write jokes for, thanks to my stupid brain chemistry:
Career women in right-wing media tell young girls to give up their dreams at Young Women's Leadership Summit
E. Jean Carroll can pursue $10 million lawsuit against Trump, judge says
Why a South Carolina high school decided to censor Ta-Nehisi Coates
Incidentally, if your kink happens to be Berlusconi obits that double as think pieces about the roots of Trumpism, I imagine every wall in your house is sticky right now.
Mummy, the Indictment Fairy Came BACK! (Ferret)
Boy, nothing enrages the shittiest people alive quite like Donald Trump getting indicted. HEY, YOU CAN’T ARREST THAT GAME SHOW HOST, I WAS WORSHIPPING THAT GUY! They want to insurrect again so badly, only they’re afraid they’d fuck it up like the last one. And they would, of course. They’re idiots.
(Always makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/mummy-the-indictment-fairy-came-back/)
Lookit Mark Levin. Like a cyst about to burst. Because Donald Trump wasn’t allowed to steal national defense secrets. I think Clay Higgins needs a wellness check, by the way. I believe I saw Andy Biggs digging a trench.
Yes, despite the best efforts of the pool boy, Donnie One-Term made history as the first former President to face federal charges, because he stole a bunch of classified shit and refused to give it back, which is against the law for all sorts of good reasons.
37 counts in all. Violations of the Espionage Act. Conspiracy to obstruct justice. 31 counts of willful retention of national defense information. These are not small crimes.
Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but stealing is still illegal. You know how you’re not allowed to take gum from the grocery store? It might be helpful to think of nuclear secrets as really special, important gum.
They obtained a warrant, and raided his house, where they found a bunch of stolen documents. They obtained his former lawyer’s notes through the crime-fraud exception to attorney-client privilege. They’ve got testimony from everybody from Meadows to the Mar-a-Lago Secret Service detail.
The closest thing he had to a defense was pretending to believe he had the power to declassify stuff with his mind, (well, he did pass that one cognitive test) but it turns out there’s even a recording of the doofus trying to impress people with his rad classified document collection.
All I’m saying is, for a deep state hoax perpetrated to distract the public from Hunter Biden’s plot to fill all the furry kid litter boxes with rainbow fentanyl, they certainly did their homework.
Walt Nauta, the Dotard’s adorable teen sidekick, got indicted, too, for conspiracy to obstruct justice. Which, yeah, is about what you’d think would happen when you conceal subpoenaed documents from the government and lie about it.
Oh, and couple more lawyers quit. Which opens up some intriguing possibilities. MAH GOD, THAT’S RUDY GIULIANI’S MUSIC!
Now, if I were looking to pry my political party from the suicidal clutches of a loser death cult, this would seem like a golden opportunity to finally stand tall, and proclaim, in clear, ringing tones, “Perhaps the fellow who commits crimes all the time shouldn’t be in charge,” but the GOP only has the one spine to pass around, and Willard’s hogging it.
Ken Buck’s right, though, when he says all this law enforcement gives Trump “credibility” with the fash-curious Republican base. Yes, Ken, your party rewards crime and lionizes criminals. Your mom must be proud.
Can you dorks just take the fucking off-ramp? At long last?
No, somehow the consensus remains that only the mob-inciting sex criminal who stole “information regarding defense and weapons capabilities of both the US and foreign countries, US nuclear programs, potential vulnerabilities of the US and its allies to military attack” will do. As President of the United States.
And y’know what? I disagree. I’m leaning Biden. (Gonna give Cornel West a hard look, though, or maybe No Labels, because I’m a FUCKING MORON.)
Anyway, there’s still Fani Willis to hear from yet. Plus Jack Smith’s investigation into January 6th, which has progressed to the point where investigators are willing to risk physical proximity to Steve Bannon, a step few take lightly.
Kevin McCarthy not only fucked up a procedural rules vote that hasn’t been fucked up in more than twenty years, but in the process of fucking it up, managed to lose control of the House floor to eleven colicky Freedom Caucusers. Gave up, cancelled votes for the week, went home. Right now, Chip Roy is swinging from a chandelier, while Matt Gaetz rubs his butt on all the desks.
Kevin covered himself in all this glory, by the way, over a trolly messaging bill destined to be laughed out of the Senate, granting full citizenship rights to gas stoves or some shit. What this means for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s bill mandating clearly defined and labeled genitalia on all Potato Head products is anybody’s guess.
Just prior to this debacle, McCarthy’s old colleague Mick Mulvaney published a column titled “Is Kevin McCarthy just really that good at his job?” Well. Asked and answered.
An indeterminate number of stale marshmallow Peeps officially entered the Republican presidential primary this week. Pence managed to get through a town hall without anybody building a gallows, so he’s surpassing expectations. The fantasy of Chris Christie as some sort of tragically heroic suicide bomber persists. And did you know that North Dakota has its very own governor?
Elsewhere in the field, Nikki Haley promised not to execute women who have abortions. RINO.
Meanwhile, Ron DeSantis is still cruising to victory…inside Rich Lowry’s head, anyway. Ron actually had his best week in months, primarily because he failed to draw much attention to himself, beyond defending his opponent’s many crimes, and sharing “apparent AI-generated fake images of Trump and Fauci” on Twitter. Impressive man.
Oh, and he’s already pissed 16.7 million taxpayer dollars away on legal fees related to his various culture war shitfits, with no end in sight. Well, you can’t argue with the results.
Congratulations, Alabama, your congressional gerrymander was too racist for John Roberts. That’s like the Mendoza Line for institutional white supremacy, by the way. Remember when Jeff Sessions was too racist to be a judge? And then Alabama elected him to the Senate for decades? Yeah, that’s why we need a Voting Rights Act, John.
Clarence Thomas needs more time to finish his homework assignment, America. When an oligarch finances so much of your extravagant lifestyle, you can’t be expected to total up the receipts overnight, can you? Plus, a bunch of stuff is technically on loan from Harlan’s private Hitler collection.
The feminized liberal nanny state says smoke inhalation is bad for you, but thanks to my ivermectin-fortified constitution and the Manhood™️ bestowed upon me by the certificate of completion at the end of Josh Hawley’s book, I understand my God-given right to fill my lungs with ash. I march tomorrow, under General Pirro, into battle ‘gainst the invading Canadian air. Courage, mom.
Apparently, one of Jim Jordan’s FBI “whistleblowers” was suspended for leaking sensitive information to Project Veritas. I’m sure this “one-eyed mole” that’s got Jesse Watters and Anna Paulina Luna all hot n’ bothered is totally legit, though.
Tucker Carlson spared no expense for his big return to the right-wing rage-o-sphere, poaching the set designer from the fanciest community theatre in town, you know, Jody, who does all the Neil Simon shows at the high school. Definitely not Marty, that pretentious hack who butchered Fiddler at theatre in the park last summer.
Take some pride in your work, man. You’re embarrassing your partners in Russian state media.
Ah, but now Fox says Tucker breached his contract! Enough foreplay, rip each other to bits, you evil fucks. Tucker n’ Elon vs. the Murdochs, for the rotten hearts and rigorously laundered minds of the most bilkable rubes that e’er drew breath. Gonna be one uuuuuuuuuugly little fight.
I’m all for it. I am the wingnut circular firing squad’s hottest cheerleader. Bannon and MTG are feuding? What a marvelous idea. Everybody take sides and start making bomb threats.
A DNA test cleared professional wrestler “Sweet” Stan Lane of the slanderous allegation that his genetic material was responsible for Lauren Boebert’s defective brain. Lane expressed relief that his restored reputation could once again rest on all the terrible, terrible things he used to do to Ricky Morton.
I see the journalist-dismembering House of Saud bought golf. I feel like Paddy Chayefsky would have something to say about that.
Kari Lake released a “protest song” called 81 Million Votes, My Ass, easily the carniest act yet of her carnier-all-the-time decline period. I just bought a ticket to the parking lot behind CPAC 2028 so I can watch Kari bite the heads off chickens.
I bet Chris Licht winds up on the same Trivial Pursuit card as Liz Truss. I bet he cancels his Atlantic subscription, too.
Turns out George Santos’ lawyer was at the Capitol Riot, but only for networking purposes. Maybe he can represent the guy who attacked cops with bug spray.
…or the guy from my all-time favorite sketch comedy show? Goddammit, someone whose work has delighted me for years joined a terrorist mob. Boy, that is fucking disheartening.
I gotta get offline before I find out one of my beloved high school English teachers turned into a Proud Boy den mother. Fuck. I require several beers. You stay safe out there, friends. Gonna be a wild ride.
Joe's Gonna Start Complaining About the Lack of Competition (Ferret)
Say, for such a young feller, this Biden kid’s got some chops.
(You know the drill: https://showercapblog.com/joes-gonna-start-complaining-about-the-lack-of-competition/)
Yet another too-good-for-Fox-to-spin jobs report, on top of the nobody-gloat-till-the-vote-closes fleecing of poor Keville Chamberlain. Hey, House Republicans, if you’re wondering where Joe’s pants are, check a couple inches north of the boot up your ass.
It’s never fun, making concessions to the Republican Party, but the debt ceiling kerfuffle was quick and relatively painless, and anything that makes Chip Roy this mad is okay with me.
This was the best Chip Roy shitfit yet, because you got to watch him figure out, in real time, that he never actually had the power he was promised. Yeah, Chip, Biden did roll McCarthy, but McCarthy rolled YOU.
Kevin seemed quite pleased with his fistful of shiny beads, though. Anything that takes less than fifteen tries goes on the fridge at the McCarthy household. Man, the rest of the caucus did all that reading for nuthin’.
Apparently, Jack Smith has a recording of the Dotard admitting he doesn’t have the magical declassifying powers he invented for himself upon getting caught with stolen nuclear secrets. And that’s a tidy little piece of evidence, if a touch unnecessary.
“My client holds a deep, profoundly sincere belief in these imaginary powers, Your Honor.”
“Yes, well. They remain nonexistent. Got anything to say about any real laws?”
“I do not.”
“Ok, then.”
Also, the document discussed in the recording is still missing. Nothing super important, just plans for war with Iran. Maybe he’s holding onto it as part of some revenge scheme targeting Milley. Maybe he sold it to the highest bidder. Maybe he drew a hamburger on it and ate it.
Wouldja believe turmoil has arisen within the fetid tangle of bottom-feeding grifters that comprise Donnie One-Term’s “legal team?” Infighting, even. Perhaps they are not, as I once envisioned, a somber assemblage of top-tier legal minds, united by noble purpose. Perhaps they are hogs, battling for spots at the trough before the NFT money runs dry.
In honor of Pride Month, the woke mind virus paraded its freshly assimilated corporate drone: Chick-fil-A! Look, Real Americans, you’re simply not calling in enough bomb threats to Target. Major League Baseball now requires teams to hold on-field grooming festivals during the seventh inning stretch because YOU let your bomb threat game get soft! Do you sheeple even WANT a country?
If Ron DeSantis truly hopes to get elected President, at a certain point, he’s going to need to figure out how to at least approximate human behavior. I can’t be the only one who sees a self-loathing Conehead who’s had extensive cosmetic surgery.
He even bullies the press awkwardly. He’s aiming for “macho MAGA strongman,” but hitting “bratty libertarian dweeb.”
The sloppy doofus can’t even decide how to pronounce his own name. Not quite done focus testing it with Proud Boys and Three Percenters, y’see. “Which way sounds more foreign?” “Would you be more likely to kidnap a Governor Duh-Santis or a Governor DEE-Santis?”
I’d like to thank Rich Lowry, for immediately delivering on that running gag I predicted last week. Lowry is Ron’s own personal H.A. Goodman, which is suitably embarrassing, I think.
Anyway, DiSappointus is a wad of gum rapidly losing flavor, destined for the underside of the Starbucks counter of history, so forget him, forget, if you’re able, the unsettling echo of his inhuman laughter; the new n’ improved savior of traditional, apple-pie-and-warning-labels-on-rap-cds conservatism is none other than…Chris Christie!
Don’t laugh. Please clap.
“He’s a fighter! Why, Chris Christie once slew seven Marco Rubios with one blow! He’ll meet Trump down in the pig shit and he’ll wave his hands and do the Rubio trick and the high priesthood of the death cult will pass to him!”
(What actually happens is, at the first debate, Christie spends 45 minutes trying to muscle in some workshopped one-liner, at which point the reality television host backhands him with a fat joke straight off the third grade playground, and the feral audience goes apeshit, then a couple of ‘em jump Christie in the parking lot afterwards. Spoilers.)
Riding a wave a Pencementum on the news that he won’t be charged for mishandling classified documents unlike some people we could mention, Mother’s Little Man announced the announcement of his own presidential campaign, wherein he will attempt to gain the support of an electorate that once sought his public execution.
Nobody seems to’ve bothered to prepare a Mike Pence will save us! think piece for the occasion, because why would you? Somebody actually signed their name to a column titled Why I believe RFK Jr. will be the 2024 Democratic nominee, which is more favorable overage than Pence could muster.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I simply cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
I confess, I didn’t know there were so many Texas Republicans in the deep state until they impeached Ken Paxton. Hey, if these creeps want to rip into one another over a turd like Paxton, I say proceed. Feels a little Bakhmut-y to me, but I suppose that’s not the worst thing, under the circumstances.
Actually, we may be entering a golden age of wingnut circular firing squads. Project Veritas is suing James O’Keefe, for example. May their struggle be long and financially burdensome. Why, even the white nationalist terror orgs can’t seem to get along anymore.
I see Kayleigh McEnany got flash-excommunicated this week. I imagine that is a sobering experience. One day you’re directing the hate mob, the next, you’re the target. Well, this is why we don’t join authoritarian movements, Kayleigh.
The Failing New York Times gave us a delightful peek behind the curtain at Fox News, as they lost the Dominion lawsuit. You should read it. It’s basically consequences porn, which I am addicted to. Please don’t tell Josh Hawley.
Tommy Tuberville officially descended into the Gosar Zone, where your own family feels compelled to publicly denounce your hatefulness. Lost his top military advisor, too, over the ongoing promotions tantrum. Tommy also has lots of thoughts to share about “inner city” teachers, who’re almost as bad as U.S. Senators who can’t correctly identify the three branches of government.
Speaking of the Gosar Zone, which I made up in the preceding paragraph, I see the princess finally dropped daddy’s name, ouch. Guess it’s hard to sell knockoff designer shoes when your brand evokes sexual assault, violent insurrection, and bragging about passing a cognitive test for literally years.
Elon Musk keeps finding geniusy new ways to drive Twitter’s value lower, like boosting paid users’ hate speech, and promoting Matt Walsh’s anti-trans “documentary.” It’s like watching a guy shit into an ice cream maker. An ice cream maker he paid forty-four billion dollars for.
Well, the QAnon Shaman, having paid his debt to society, has opened an online merch booth. That’s American history, unfolding before our eyes. My god, I capitalized “Shaman,” like “QAnon Shaman” is a title or something. I wonder if he takes Trump Bucks.
Russia wants to arrest Lindsey Graham, and I think that should be part of any opening offer at potential peace talks. Hell, why not kick things off with a gesture of goodwill?
Vlad’s war is still going great, though. Sure, he’s driven waves of his nation’s best and brightest away, but he’s gained Tara Reade. Somebody’s been studying The Art of the Deal.
Lordy. No wonder Dark Brandon’s running circles around ‘em.
Okay, that’s enough stupid for one week, I’m gonna go drink beer and watch John Frankenheimer movies now. You stay safe out there, folks.
If God Made a Fighter in Ron DeSantis, God Shouldn't Quit His Day Job (Ferret)
Folks, this week may’ve finally broken me. Marjorie Taylor Greene dropped a hundred grand on Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, and it only got dumber from there.
(Customary link to th’links: https://showercapblog.com/if-god-made-a-fighter-in-ron-desantis-god-shouldnt-quit-his-day-job/)
Are we absolutely certain this is real life, and not, like, my college theatre department staging some minor, absurdist farce from behind the Iron Curtain, circa 1977? The shouty woman from Act I, bashing away with her gavel, demanding decorum…it’s a little unsubtle.
Anyway, Donnie One-Term got his first official criminal trial start date, that’ll spice up the ol’ primary calendar.
Or will it? March 25th? Hell, he’ll have it sewn up by then. The state of the GOP presidential field at the moment is “so pathetic Glenn Youngkin might not be able to stay away,” which is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever typed.
When I saw the announcement of the announcement, that DiSappointus was teaming up with Elon for his long-unanticipated official launch, I laughed out loud, because there was no fucking way those two would be able to pull it off.
And then they fucked it up, because they’re fuck-ups. For months now, these two dudes have done nothing but fuck up, several times most days, right in front of us. It’s slapstick. It’s broad for slapstick, honestly.
You’d think, law of averages, at some point during his campaign's excruciating rollout period, DeSantis would undertake some endeavor, however modest, that wouldn’t immediately blow up in his face, but then, I don’t remember Charlie Brown ever getting that football. And Ron is basically Charlie Brown, But Shitty.
Fucking of course Youngkin smells weakness. I don’t know what weakness smells like, but I bet whoever’s standing next to Ron DeSantis right now could tell me.
All I’m saying is, enjoy the spectacle of this uncanny valley restaurant mascot wiping snot on voters while you can; by this time next year, he’s gonna be in a bar band with Scott Walker.
Bless the increasingly surly thinkpiecery of the fast-shrinking pool of dead-enders, though. They’re like Cubs fans, But Shitty, in the way Ron himself is like Charlie Brown, But Shitty. I think “Rich Lowry bleating out ever more fanciful paths to a DeSantis comeback, from his lawn” is going to be a reliable running gag for a while.
“Ron DeSantis is girding for battle with Donald J. Trump where he believes the former president may be most vulnerable to attack from a fellow Republican: on substance.”
Yes, that is how the Republican presidential primary is going to unfold. DeSantis defeats Trump, on substance. Substance n’ policy. Why, the debates may be even thoughtfuller and dignifieder than last time.
Ron appointed a bonafide Capitol rioter to a state regulatory board, which explains why he’s talking about pardoning more of them. On a purely practical level, it’s difficult to staff a MAGA administration without access to the pool of incarcerated terrorists.
His existing staff is all tied up, too, extorting political contributions from lobbyists. Resorting to blackmail to create the illusion of support is the stuff of loads of successful campaigns, I’m sure.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
Though Merrick Garland is expected to emerge sometime next week from beneath his desk, where he has been quivering in the fetal position since receiving an extremely impressive, intimidating letter from Donald Trump’s “legal team,” I’m afraid the Special Counsel investigation is off, folks. I’ve never seen such lawyering.
Dangit, and right when DoJ got ahold of yet another level of incriminating evidence in the stolen nuclear secrets case, too. Oh well, I doubt Jack Smith had an answer for the I Declassified Them With My Mind defense, anyway.
Stewart Rhodes, Grand Dragon of the Bashful Boyz or the 7-11ers or whatever, gets to spend the next 18 years behind bars, because it turns out the Constitution does not, in fact, grant you the right to violently overturn an election, even when you really, really, really, really wanted it to go the other way.
At sentencing, Stewie delivered a brief, forgettable tirade about all the fake laws he made up that permit him to hurt whoever he wants, and how the judge should follow those laws instead of the real ones real people passed in the real world, which is MAGA in a nutshell, isn’t it? Conjuring whatever imaginary timber you happen to require to construct your own, personal permission structure for violence?
Like, how strange, in a right-wing culture where a Republican governor “jokes” about hunting Democrats “with dogs,” and a Republican state legislator bellows, proudly, on the floor of the Senate, in the middle of a debate over a transgender rights bill, “I'm telling you right now, if a guy walks in there, I'm going to beat the living piss out of him,” that we should find the grassroots lobbing anti-trans death threats at Target, those that aren’t menacing children with assault rifles at bus stops, or loading up U-Hauls with Nazi flags for unannounced tours of the White House grounds, anyway.
“Weimar problems eventually lead to Weimar solutions,” they’re saying now.
Well, maybe, maybe not, but you don’t have any “Weimar problems,” dorks. You’re just making shit up so you can feel important.
Took the bill a little while to arrive, but it turns out, pausing mid-insurrection for a sassy photo shoot with your feet atop Nancy Pelosi’s desk’ll set you back four and a half years of your pathetic life. I’m really looking forward to MAGA’s second act, as an unusually self-destructive white collar prison gang.
Our old pal Noot popped by to praise the Great Mistake for transmitting his poison at a third grade reading level. Yep, that is exactly where his talents lie, Noot. Doesn’t seem the sort of thing you’d want to build a cult of personality or a political party around, but he sure does use small words.
Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert’s mad at Joe Biden for fighting anti-Semitism.
Nick Fuentes wants you to know he’s not a pedophile or anything, he just longs to take a child bride is all. No doubt he picked up some pointers on that score when he dined down at Mar-a-Lago.
Apparently, Matt Schlapp is a “cancer,” devouring CPAC from within. Y’know what? That’s a good spot for Matt.
Hey, what do QAnon, flat-earthers, and 9/11 truthers have in common? Republican governance, that’s what!
Arizona Senate Republicans are not only hosting a legion of smooth-brained kooks at a Senate hearing dedicated to COVID lunacy, they’ve actually branded their fucking committee with a trolly QAnon reference. Snickering all the while, no doubt. Some goon probably spent a day and a half on that acronym, without even understanding he was peaking.
Meanwhile, Tennessee Republicans appointed a 9/11 truther to the committee overseeing the state’s social studies standards, but not just any 9/11 truther, a 9/11 truther who believes Obama caused tornados. You wouldn’t want merely mildly insane people deciding what your kids learn in school, wouldja?
What’s that leave? Oh right, the flat-earther! Meet Georgia GOP District Chair Kandiss Taylor. Though I fancy myself a political humorist, I could not hope to improve upon her own words:
“For me, if it is not a conspiracy, if it is real, why are you pushing so hard everywhere I go? Every store, you buy a globe, there's globes everywhere. Every movie, every TV show, news media — why?”
…where’re you shopping, Kandiss? I bought some pants at Macy’s the other day, and the clerk wasn’t pushy about the globe thing at all. “Would you like to add a globe today, sir?” And I said, “Don’t be ridiculous, of course I would,” no pressure at all.
“Everywhere there's globes. You see them all the time, it's constant. My children will be like 'Mama, globe, globe, globe, globe' — they're everywhere.”
That is not true. Unless your kids are fucking with their batshit mom, in which case they’re awesome. ANWAY, cool District Chair you got there, Georgia Republicans.
This is the fundamental problem with the MAGA ask, the insistence on government of, by, and for only the loudest, nuttiest assholes. I found myself appreciating the dark economy of the headline, “Florida Mom Behind Amanda Gorman Book Ban Has Proud Boy Links.” Lotta crazy crammed into those eleven words.
And on a certain level, I feel bad for this woman, who has been driven insane by malicious people on the internet, but we can’t let folks who spread anti-Semitic conspiracy theories on Facebook purge our libraries of books about racism. Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.
Fox News somehow fell for yet another white resentment-stoking hoax, despite their rigorous journalistic standards. I bet it’s the last time, though.
Kari Lake lost the Arizona governor’s race one more time, for old time’s sake, the latest stop in a terrifying decline into wingnut carnydom. She’s headed for the geek pit, with Rudy, mark my words.
So, the Republican-controlled Texas House is gonna impeach AG Ken Paxton, and Ken called the Speaker a drunken liberal groomer who shits in the furry kids’ litter box. I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be sorted out inside a steel cage at SummerSlam.
George Santos named George Santos treasurer of the Committee to Re-Elect George Santos, because why the fuck not? He’s out to make some memories ahead of a period of incarceration, and I say turn the little shit loose.
It’d make the ultimate road trip movie. Pair him up with a couple U.S. Marshals while he tries to burn through the last of the donor money before the trial starts. The Last Detail, only the kid’s a bratty grifter who’s constantly attempting escape, and failing. McCarthy lets him vote by proxy the whole time. America deserves this film.
I see Putin banned a bunch of the Dotard’s enemies from entering Russia, including Letitia James, Brad Raffensperger and the officer who shot Ashli Babbitt. Which is just embarrassing. Straight-up Lindsey Graham shit. War crimes and cringe, that’s your legacy.
What’s more, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about, Hawaii’s feral chickens are, I’m told, out of control. No doubt Antifa is already bussing some to your hometown.
So stay safe out there, my friends, if you’re able, though I believe that’s a feral chicken right behind you. And if you feel like contributing to the holiday weekend beer fund, remember the tip jar page has expanded, with all sortsa futuristic payment methods.
Remember, They're Sending Their Very, Very Best (Ferret)
John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving Hillary ate Seth Rich’s face, which is exactly what happened, because this is Hell.
(Obligatory website link: https://showercapblog.com/remember-theyre-sending-their-very-very-best/)
The Durham Report is like some talisman Dumbledore entrusts to Hermione, that magically grants legitimacy to any conspiracy theory, if only for the duration of a Newsmax segment. Anna Paulina Luna’s gonna expel Adam Schiff from Congress over…somethin’. She’ll work that bit out later.
Who can even fucking tell what Tommy Tuberville thinks is in that report, but he’s about ready to dig a trench over it. I don’t know what to tell you, Tommy. I’m sorry you believe a bunch of shit that isn’t true, but we’re not getting rid of elections just because your brain doesn’t work.
Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she’s filing articles of impeachment, likely from a cereal box, targeting President Biden, Attorney General Merrick Garland, D.C. U.S. Attorney Matthew Graves, E Street Band keyboardist Roy Bittan, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, WWE Intercontinental Champion Gunther, and FBI Director Christopher Wray. Whatever.
Always fun watching a United States Congressman decide he has the right to lay hands on a dissenting American protester. Especially a vicious little thug like Clay Higgins.
I think Clay showed us who he is in the aftermath of the Paul Pelosi attack, and I think the whole fucking point of America is that the Clay Higginses of this world don’t get to push the rest of us around. One man’s opinion.
Seems James Comer went and lost his whistleblower. Probably wandered off while Jimmy was shoving quarters up his nose, in the parking lot behind the laundromat. Him and Ron Johnson, and oh, about nine dollars and seventy-five cents
Jim Jordan’s whistleblowers showed up, and he probably wishes they hadn’t. Not so much “whistleblowers,” turns out, as disgruntled, insurrectionist whackjobs, on Trumpworld conspiracy theorist Kash Patel’s payroll, who had their security clearances revoked for wholly legitimate reasons, like the guy who “expressed sympathy for persons or organizations that advocate, threaten, or use force or violence,” for example.
I guess Lauren Boebert’s getting divorced. Join me on a quick tangent:
They should make Lauren Boebert the MAGA Bachelorette.
I don’t watch these shows, but round up however many Proud Boys and incels and ultranationalist YouTubers and Matt Gaetz, and gape in horror as they battle, with words of woo, and perhaps the odd nail gun, for her favor.
Hosted, obviously, by Josh Hawley, that manliest of manhood-havers. Josh’s book came out, and I look forward to seeing it quoted in mass shooting manifestos for years to come.
I guess one of Paul Gosar’s staffers is linked to neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. I don’t imagine Paul Gosar hires many people without links to neo-Nazis, y’know?
Representatives Higgins and Gosar and Boebert and Greene and Luna and Jordan and Comer united with the entire House Republican Conference, especially the Rational Moderates™️, to save George Santos from expulsion. Historians are already calling this the ethicalest Congress of all time.
They’re saying DiSappointus is finally about to officially launch the presidential campaign he lost a few months back. On a wave of hate, soundtracked by the candidate’s suitably unnatural laughter.
“Grinning DeSantis Tosses Sharpies to Crowd During Anti-Trans Bill Signings”
What a nasty little headline that is. They’re always so happy when they hurt people. Lookit Ron. Jubilant. Surrounded by children, to whom tomorrow presumably belongs.
The state of Florida is investigating a public school teacher for showing kids a Disney movie. Because there’s a gay character in it. That’s happening, in 2023, in what’s technically still America.
The Mouse remains Ron’s white whale, and he stabs at it, from hell’s heart, with pudding-stained hands. Now he’s chased a billion-dollar investment out of his state, in search of culture war clout he didn’t even get.
Suddenly everybody wants to jump into the definitely-not-hygienically-maintained hot tub that is the 2024 GOP Presidential primary. Rick Perry’s thinking about it, but he still needs a few more weeks to work out what that elusive third thing was. The Governor of North Dakota, whose name, I believe, is Benedict Cumberbatch, wants in, too. I bet he wins.
Saw a headline that read, “GOP presidential field shaping up to be party's most diverse yet,” and chuckled. Sure, that’s the take. Vivek Ramaswamy’s never-ending rant about wokeness is a “presidential campaign,” and at the RNC next year, which will held at Rivendell, by the way, all the Nikki Haley delegates and Tim Scott delegates will join hands, and lead America into a land of milk & honey…-flavored horse paste.
Heads’re gonna roll once the Dotard Restored makes Mike Flynn Secretary of the Whole Dang Deep State. Storm’s a-comin’, groomers! Once upon a time, “Republican frontrunner pledges to bring hate-mongering felon into administration” would’ve been a bigger story.
If Rudy Giuliani turned out to be, like, five thousand slugs in a trench coat, would you really be surprised? “No, that makes perfect sense,” you’d say, as they slithered away into the night. Anyway, you know what he did, I don’t want to talk about it.
There’s a new shitty light beer to yell at for being woke, in case you were getting bored, yelling at the same old light, woke, shitty beer. I’ll leave you to what is clearly a fulfilling life.
Senators Cruz and Blackburn opened an honest-to-God investigation into the fleeting Bud Light/Dylan Mulvaney partnership. They’re marketing to minors, y’see. Just this one TikTok video, though, which is the only beer ad anywhere in existence that could possibly be construed as targeting underage drinkers.
Cruz. Blackburn. Titans. They put your face on currency for this kinda stuff.
North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson says mass shootings are “karma” for allowing abortion, which is silly, because everyone knows they’re karma for Pizzagate.
Well, George Soros sold his entire Tesla stake, so Elon finally took that big, ugly step every conspiracy theorist eventually takes. Nowadays, he’s far too busy defending mass murderers with Nazi tattoos to keep the animal torture videos off his platform, I’m sure you understand.
After a period of stalemate, Putin’s army is back to doing what it does best: retreating. Which is probably wise, with his pet warlord bargaining away troop locations.
Didja catch the latest polling? Biden up six on Trump? Up seven? After the FUCKING DAYS of cacophonous wailing and rending of garments launched by one outlier, which I ignored here because fuck the Eeyore brigade, should we not celebrate counterbalancing data with something approaching equal vigor?
I mean, we didn’t have the opportunity to whoop too many Republicans in this week’s elections, but we whooped those that made themselves available for whoopin’. Held Pennsylvania. Flipped Jacksonville. What’s this, “Judge who ruled for Trump on 2020 election loses Pennsylvania primary?” My cup runneth o’er.
…so I’m off to refill it, (with beer, if that’s somehow unclear) and enjoy the relative quiet of a Tucker-free media, while it lasts. Stay safe out there, folks.
Well, I Have a New Least Favorite Town Hall (Ferret)
Grossest week in a while, wasn’t it?
Straight from the E. Jean Carroll verdict to the raw, human horror of that CNN town hall. Sharp drop.
(Links version, as always: https://showercapblog.com/well-i-have-a-new-least-favorite-town-hall/)
The judge in the Carroll case felt compelled to advise the jury to avoid publicly identifying themselves, as doing so would expose them to harassment and possible murder. Sound advice.
Yeah, MAGA’s still ugly, if anybody out there was wondering. I guess we can keep yelling at each other about whether CNN should’ve loaned the little turd their platform in the first place, but I think it provided a fucking sobering reminder of the nature of the fight we’re in.
This is how a room full of Republican primary voters behaves. It’s who they are. There’s no secret legion of rational moderates, aching to hear Asa Hutchinson’s stump speech. It’s a mob.
It. Is. A. Mob.
Of course they jeered along with their butter sculpture strongman’s performative cruelty; the cruelty is, and always has been, the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT.
They like that he sexually assaults women. They like that he brags about it. We’ve known that since the Access Hollywood tape. They elected him precisely because he hurts people, and they hope to re-elect him so he can hurt people again.
“Makes me want to vote for him twice,” proclaimed one Thomas Tuberville, reminding the nation how he earned a spot on the Turd Reich’s Capitol Riot calling tree.
You know what? If a man of such unshakable Christian principle as Dr. Tuberville wants to single-handedly undermine the nation’s military readiness, who are we to object, with our pizzagating and our furry kid litter boxes?
Tommy wants more white nationalists in our armed forces, by the way. He said that to NPR. Good thing Doug Jones isn’t your Senator anymore, Alabama. You wouldn’t have anybody working so diligently to give the next generation of domestic terrorists the sort of training only the U.S. military can provide.
Hey, speaking, as we so often must, of our loser violence epidemic, the Texas mall shooter turned out to be a standard-issue MAGA loser, complete with Nazi tattoos, radicalized online by standard-issue MAGA losers like Tim Pool. (I’m told he was unavailable for the CNN town hall audience, being dead.)
Still, credit where it’s due, Republicans continue to offer sensible, good-faith solutions to America’s wacky gun conundrum. Fox put their deepest thinkers to work on the issue, and what they came up with was “have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” As Mary Poppins so memorably taught us, in song.
Marsha Blackburn proposes unleashing an army of gun-toting grandparents upon our schools, and what could possibly go wrong? We should definitely give a bunch of Newsmax-addled retirees the opportunity to act out their bucket list Rittenhouse fantasies, ideally in the vicinity of as many children as possible.
Meanwhile, Lauren Boebert is co-sponsoring federal legislation to make the AR-15 America’s “national gun.” Because it’s killed so many kids, you see. You wouldn’t want some sissy-ass gun that can’t even slaughter a classroom full of schoolchildren in seconds as your NATIONAL GUN, wouldja, ya groomer?
Anyway, we shouldn’t move on without pausing to honor the real victim of the Texas mall massacre: Representative Keith Self, whose religious liberty was riddled with a hail of rhetorical gunfire as vicious as any incel’s murder spree. Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this trying time, Keith.
These teasers for the impending Fox/Tucker shithouse knife fight are really working for me. I will order that pay-per-view. Go for it, creeps. Rip one another to shreds for a change, leave the rest of us the fuck alone.
Tucker’s teaming up with Elon now, presumably seeking to pool resources in order to capture Captain America, and strap him to some sort of experimental explosive device.
Speaking of, Ukraine shot down Pooty’s “most sophisticated missile,” but at least he was able to scrounge up a whole tank for his big “Victory Day” parade. That picture’s going in those history books you were aimin’ at, kiddo. Maybe even the cover. Lookit My Last Tank: The Humiliating Fall of Vlad…Vlad Something, Who Gives a Shit.
Ron DeSantis continues shrinking before the very eyes of anyone who still bothers to look at him. He seems to think he’s performing extremely impressively in that weird, embarrassing fight he picked with Disney. “They have not made a peep,” Ron boasted, which is nowhere close to true. They are literally suing you, my dude. They threw a Pride Night, legally gutted your lunatic “board,” and sued you.
Not a “peep,” though. Okay. Sure. You’re winning so hard, you should mint yourself a challenge coin, dawg.
A group of House Republicans are actually pushing a bill that would abolish the no-fly zones over Disneyland and Disney World. The GOP is gonna make Disney hate gay people, or knock themselves senseless trying. Forcing The Walt Disney Company to forsake LGBTQ rights and representation is about 35% of the Republican platform right now.
Which is odd, I think.
Anyway, Ron’s gonna traffic some more migrants. Next chance he gets, he’s gonna do that human trafficking thing he does, because he thinks it plays well with the Republican base. And he’s right, it does, it’s just that it’s not enough to keep up with the guy who’s inciting riots and sexually assaulting women.
Well, Johnny Law finally caught up to George Santos. Somehow. It’s almost a shame to see such a promising young grifter’s career cut short, and before he got a crack at the Saudi money, too.
I’m reaching out to the Federal Bureau of Prisons about a behind-bars production of The Producers starring Santos. Maybe Jacob Wohl in the Wilder/Broderick role. If we can get him. I’ll be in touch about financing at an appropriate time.
Of course, McCarthy needs Georgie’s vote to take the global economy hostage, so he gets to just…stay a Congressman, I guess. Thank heaven he’s being allowed to weigh in on such matters. George Santos personally launching humanity’s next Dark Age kinda tracks, though. Feels sufficiently biblical.
I like that James Comer is such a clown, even Fox shits on him. How’s it feel t’be that guy, Jim? The network that based the entire Big Lie on the ravings of an obviously deranged cactus artist finds you less than credible. Oof.
The National Review lamented the decline in teen sex, because that’s how fucking far over the rainbow we are, people.
Texas state Representative Bryan Slaton did what he could to address that imbalance, (allegedly) engaging in a sexual relationship with a teen intern. Bryan has resigned, but we’ll always have his anti-grooming legislation to remember him by.
I guess Eric Trump’s feelin’ litigious, cuz the Lügenpresse won’t let him hang out with his Hitler-promoting antisemite pals in peace.
Sometimes, I see headlines like “Milo Yiannopoulos Caught in Marjorie Taylor Greene-Kanye West Campaign Cash Scandal” and I worry that conservative politics’re becoming so normal n’ dignified that I won’t have anything to blog about.
Didja catch that great NBC story on the wingnut school board takeover in Woodland Park, CO? If you want a peek at what they’re hoping to replace all those Rosa Parks books with, check out the “American Birthright” social studies standard. Freaky shit.
Trump tactics at the school board level. Watching MAGA’s cultural ambitions congeal is pretty fucking gross, isn’t it? They want such a gross world.
Fuck ‘em. We’ve beaten ‘em before, again and again, and I guess we’ll have to keep on beating them while we wait for the long-term effects of ivermectin poisoning to kick in. Joe Biden, history has shown, understands how to beat ‘em. Like a dang drum.
We can do this all day, you assholes. Megyn Kelly convinced exactly zero of us to quit. Sorry, Megyn Kelly. Sorry, assholes.
I’m gonna turn this over to Mary Poppins for the sign-off:
Remember, children!
Never go to school or church unless you’re packing heat!
And always -
Children (in adorable unison): Always?
Yes, ALWAYS have a plan
To kill
Everyone you meet!
Stay safe out there, friends. It’s gettin’ weird again. It’s enough to drive a fellow to drink.
BREAKING: Tucker Texts Reveal Hidden, Secret, Completely Unsuspected RACISM (Ferret)
Seismic news this week, as leaked texts suggest recently defenestrated telefascist Tucker Carlson may hold some, shall we say “problematic” views on race. To think, were it not for these texts, the poor, misled Murdoch family might ne’er have learned of the secret bigot in their midst.
(Links version here: https://showercapblog.com/breaking-tucker-texts-reveal-hidden-secret-completely-unsuspected-racism/)
They hide among us, you know. Jesse Watters knows ‘em when he sees ‘em, and if you can’t trust Jesse Watters, who can you trust?
Anyway, Fox’s feral audience remains in open revolt. I’m surprised they didn’t tear Kilmeade apart with their teeth, honestly. WANT TUCK-TUCK! WANT TUCK-TUCK OR NO WATCH WATCH! BRING TUCK-TUCK BACK RIGHT NOW! All while shitting themselves and buying NFTs, I assume.
The race to replace the host of Fox’s prime time White Power Hour has already devolved into precisely the sort of competitive hate-mongering you’d expect, as the various shrieking heads vie for the attention of cruelty addicts. It’s been pretty gross.
But oh what a treat, Tucker Carlson’s thoughts on “how white men fight.” We’ve seen how white men fight, Tucker. Thanks to you. White men fight with nail guns. With their cars. With “stun guns, pepper spray, baseball bats and flagpoles wielded as clubs.” During the pandemic, every now and then, one of ‘em would cough on somebody.
And of course, whenever possible, they “fight” with AR-15s.
Big week for the AR-15, wasn’t it? “A man using an AR-15-style weapon shot and killed five people Friday, including an 8-year-old — an angry response to the neighbors’ request that he stop shooting in his yard while their baby was trying to sleep.”
Look, the Second Amendment is unambiguous here. My right to play with my murder toy clearly outweighs your baby’s right to sleep, and your attempt to violate my rights activates my right to slaughter your entire family. Why, James Madison himself shot up the nation’s very first Wendy’s, simply because his fries were cold.
That’s why Matt Gaetz wants a national Stand Your Ground law, because the next generation of Rittenhouse wannabes must be allowed to act out their violent fantasies, free from fear of incarceration. It’s just common sense.
Letters to Trump came out, and it’s actually even more embarrassing than it appears on the surface, which is impressive, because on the surface, it’s a coffee table book dedicated to the pettiest fixations of an aging game show host.
I see the mighty alpha among alphas is still afraid of debates. He’s very impressive, though. I can see why you’d build a cult of personality around him. This one time, he passed a cognitive test.
Despite his undeniable expertise in the field of Identifying Drawings of Elephants, constitutional law remains something of a blind spot, and now he gets to pay the New York Times’ legal fees. Also, at least eight of his fake Georgia electors have accepted immunity deals. Oh, and Jack Smith has an “insider witness” down at Marm-a-Lago.
Which brings us to his nauseating deposition in the E. Jean Carroll trial. Watching Donald Trump vamp on the Access Hollywood tape is like watching a rectal cyst leak.
Getting convicted of seditious conspiracy is probably my favorite thing the Proud Boys have ever done. Also my favorite thing the Oath Keepers have ever done, coincidentally enough, though I anticipate enjoying both groups’ rotting-in-prison period nearly as much.
Saw a story titled, “DeSantis Disappoints British Business Leaders Ahead of Expected 2024 Presidential Bid,” and chuckled, because we’re gonna see a whole lotta headlines in the weeks to come that start with those two words. “DeSantis disappoints.” Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? And so versatile! Fundraising deadlines. Debates. Caucuses. Primaries. I don’t anticipate a particularly dignified concession speech.
ANYWAY. Seems Ron wrote and published a book in which he brags about persecuting Disney for protected political speech, which experts say may come back to bite him in the lawsuit where Disney alleges he, um, persecuted them for…well, for protected political speech. Perhaps his next book can be on the legal perils of spending one’s political life pandering to proto-fascist primary voters.
I feel bad for Joe Biden. He’d almost gotten away with all his dastardly crimes when, at the last possible moment, the scheme unraveled under the unforgiving gaze of the world’s greatest buddy detectives: Chuck Grassley and James Comer. Can’t wait to see this mega-credible whistleblower’s cactus art.
I bet Joe’s already impeached by the time you read this. If not hung. I mean, when has Honest Jimmy Comer ever led us astray?
So, Herschel Walker apparently fleeced a Republican megadonor out of half a million dollars, and seriously…imagine getting conned by Herschel Walker. The “I don’t want to be a vampire any more, I want to be a werewolf” guy tricked you into giving him five hundred and thirty-five thousand, two hundred dollars. Congratulations.
The entire con, by the way, was “wire the money here kthxbye.” And it worked. I don’t think we’ll need Newman & Redford for this one.
Look you guys, I’m sure Clarence Thomas has lots of bills Harlan Crow doesn’t pay. He keeps a Junior Saver checking account open to buy Harlan birthday presents, for example. (Yes, the balance is unspent allowance money.) Plus, he likes to save a few bills for Leonard Leo to pay.
In their party’s latest love letter to democracy, Texas Republicans’re actually trying to grant themselves the power to overturn elections in Just This One Heavily Democratic County. Sounds legit, fellas.
I was surprised to hear about the toxic workplace culture at, of all places, Steven Crowder’s corner of the wingnut rageosphere. I always pictured a rather serene office, a place of Bible study interrupted only by the periodic feeding of orphans.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt called for Clifford the Big Red Dog to be euthanized, for insufficient hatred of gay people, and for defecating in the litter box designated for the woke, furry children. Clifford’s lawyers plan to appeal to the Supreme Court, but I bet Amy Coney Barrett thinks dogs don’t have souls, so he’s probably fucked.
So I guess Elon Musk has been sending threatening emails to NPR reporters, because that’s the kind of super-cool shit you get to do when you’re a billionaire. I never thought of myself as susceptible to status envy, but when you watch a man attempt (and fail) to blackmail a public radio company into tweeting more, you can’t help but think GOD THAT SHOULD BE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Another extremely impressive genius is Vladimir Putin, wonder what he’s been up to? False flagging himself while his pet warlord threatens to abandon the field for want of ammunition? But he’s doing it all shirtless and on horseback, so it’s wicked awesome. Ted Cruz is positively moist.
Also, “Russian Soldiers Camped in Chernobyl's Radioactive Forest. Guess What Happened Next.” It’s almost too dazzling to look upon. The glory of the Russian empire reborn, I mean.
If anybody feels like steering an unaccountable half million into my beer fridge fund, know that I have no political favors to grant in return, but that I will absolutely drink that much beer. Stay safe out there, folks.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PMNumber of posts: 655