TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalThis shit is real, right? I'm not just hallucinating all this shit?
Well Resisters, America's two Racist Dads are fighting! The media is chock full of reports that the Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard find themselves at odds! Shartboy's all hot n' bothered that Ol' Beau recused himself from the Russia investigation for the lil' ol' reason that he was caught a-perjurin' hisself before the cawngress. Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a "bad boy," and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet.
It's a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes like themselves are pushed apart by their own blistering incompetence. Did I say sad? Wait, I meant FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Speaking of hilarious, it seems the Hairplug That Ate Decency is having trouble finding lawyers to defend him in the whole Russia shitstorm. Turns out a lifetime of stiffing contractors makes it hard to employ top-of-the-line professionals when the shit gets Legit Real. Oh well. I'm sure Michael Cohen can handle things, TEE FUCKING HEE.
Amateur Congressman/World-Class Pigfucker Devin Nunes keeps playing these weird little games where he acts all impish about whether or not he's actually recused himself from the Russia investigation, or if he's still blocking for the Shart House with all the finesse of a Beetle Bailey character played by Dane Cook. You almost feel bad for poor Devin. He's the single most likely figure in this whole drama to wind up imprisoned; not necessarily because of wrongdoing, but because he's the kind of dude who could accidentally lock himself in a closet.
The Shart of the Deal apparently hit on the genius idea of paying for his Big Stupid Mexican Border Wall by covering it with solar panels! I guess Mexico owns the Sun now, because personally I was told they'd be paying for this wall. Maybe he can sell ads, and the Wall will be covered in posters promising miracle penis enlargement cures.
We learned that Eric "We Only Dropped Him Twice" Drumpf runs a charity that raises money for kids with cancer, good for him! Only, apparently his dad used the charity as a revenue stream, not so good for him! Yeah, the Shart Family Robinson would announce big schmancy charity golf games at Drumpf-owned courses, and they'd tell everyone Donnie Cheapskate donated the course time out of the goodness of his heart, but then later they'd not only claim course rental fees, but unusually large ones, because these are the kinds of purely evil scumfucks who would steal money from CHILDREN WITH CANCER.
In a bit of irony so dark it'd make Alanis Morissette wither to dust and blow away in the wind, Eric went on Hannity THE VERY SAME DAY THE STEALING-FROM-KIDS-WITH-CANCER STORY BROKE to tell everyone how the people standing up to his pussy-grabbing, cheap crook, STEALS FROM KIDS WITH CANCER shitsack dad are "not even people." Anyway, thanks for sending ever-stronger signals to deranged rage monsters like the guy who just slit three strangers' throats in Portland that we're all subhuman, and therefore totally ok to murder, Eric. You're gonna get reincarnated as nursing home toilet bowl, bro.
The news from Kansas, meanwhile, was fan-fucking-tastic, as Sam Brownback's zany "experiment" in strangling government to death like a common piss hooker seems to have finally run its course! Sick of problems like "We can't even afford to keep schools open, is this even America?," even the REPUBLICANS in the Kansas legislature overrode Goody Brownback's veto of his failed tax cuts, beginning the Sunflower State's slow, painful climb back into the 21st century.
Didja see that shit where the Big Saudi Arms Deal that the Candycorn Skidmark couldn't stop crowing about isn't actually a Big Arms Deal but a Big Fat Fucking Sham? Yeah, turns out, it's a bunch of raw horseshit where the Saudis made a big list of Shit We Might Buy Someday if the Price of Oil Ever Goes Up Again but importantly involves NO ACTUAL CONTRACTS so it's like the arms deal equivalent of talking about the sweet full-torso tattoo of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers poster you're gonna get someday when you save up the cash.
ISIS staged a major terrorist attack in Tehran, Iran. Now, I get that Iran and the USA aren't exactly on the sorts of terms where one nation calls up the other at 9:15 to see if hey, you wanna go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 again, maybe grab some churros later?, but the Shart Administration's "Oh did a bunch of innocent people die in a terrorist attack in your country, SUCKS THAT YOU DESERVED IT SO MUCH" statement was perhaps a wee bit gauche.
We woke up today to the news that Donald J Trump (The J stands for "I want to fuck my own daughter, is that weird?"
had nominated Some Dude to head up the FBI after he fired the last dude who ran the FBI for refusing to demonstrate "loyalty," so the whole nation was immediately filled with confidence in the new guy. And hey, if the dude happened to work at a firm that's worked previously for the Drumpf family, and if he happened to defend Chris Christie in Bridgegate, well...shit, he doesn't even crack the Top Ten Most Corrupt Fucksticks in This Administration list, so let's just give him an expense account and a banana plantation, ok?
Anyhow, four soggy old white guys went to the Senate today to give some testimony or some shit. They had this super-clever plan to not answer the questions they didn't want to answer, and chuckle amongst themselves when nobody noticed.
Folks noticed.
All the Democratic, and even some of the Republican Senators on the committee were all, "Y U NO ANSWER QUESTIONS, OLD WHITE GUYS," and the Old White Guys were like "Because, REASONS," and the Senators were like "That is some raw, unfiltered, bullshit you are serving us, and you are telling us it is a delicious steak but IT IS NOT A DELICIOUS STEAK IT IS BULLSHIT." Senator Martin Heinrich got all mad, and Senator Angus King got even madder, and Senator Kamala Harris tried to get mad, but then Senator Richard Burr went "Hush little lady, the menfolk is talking" because Senator Richard Burr is trash.
Anyway, the POINT is, Admiral Mike Rogers and DNI Dan Coats (who spent the hearing looking vaguely frightened that the hearing would go on so long that he'd miss the MATLOCK marathon running this afternoon) were repeatedly asked whether or not Shartolo Colon asked them to interfere in the Russia investigation, and they refused to say No, which is what a normal person would do if the answer was No, so, y'know, draw the only logical conclusion you could.
Anyhow, I heard some other dude is testifying tomorrow....Jim Varney, or something? I dunno, it's probably not a big deal.
Whoever this Varney guy is, he released a text version of his opening statement this afternoon, because la-dee-da, he is HOT SHIT. It basically confirms all the stories that've leaked these last few weeks, that the President was all "Hey Jimmy, do me a solid and ease off my buddy Mike Flynn, what's a few federal crimes between Best Bud Bros, WHICH IS WHAT WE TOTALLY ARE, RIGHT?" and "Hey, Jimbo, know what's so much more important than a bunch of cabinet secretaries perjuring themselves and having an unregistered foreign agent as the NSA and a hostile foreign power interfering in American elections, and piss hookers NOT THAT ANYONE LIKES PISS HOOKERS? Loyalty. LOYALTY TO YOUR PRESIDENT WHO IS COINCIDENTALLY ME." Also that bit where he told Jeff Sessions "Hey, don't leave me alone with the President, he is trying to destroy the fundamental pillars of American Democracy and he also might not notice I don't have a pussy until his tiny fingers are clenching my scrotum."
Mike Pence made a few headlines by cancelling an interview with PBS at the very last minute. The popular narrative is that he ducked out to deal with the fallout of the release of the Comey testimony, but I think we all know that he accidentally glimpsed an unusually shapely fire hydrant and had the secret service whisk him to a secure location to furiously fap until he passed out in a puddle of shame and the gooey, stale-marshmallow-like substance that serves as his dirty, sinful, spooj.
Anyhow. Shit, as scientists have observed, be cray. Things'll get really nutty tomorrow, but I will be traveling, let me know how it goes, folks.
And please...remember to live every week like it's Infrastructure Week.
I don't know if y'all know this...but shit be cray.
There's been a lot of madness out there lately, but today? Today was like a supercut of Nic Cage Screaming outtakes that Werner Herzog deemed "too frightening."
The weekend was kinda quiet, at least by recent standards, right? All 36 members of the Scott Baio fan club showed up for Mayor McCheese's "Pittsburgh not Paris" rally, while thousands participated in March For Truth protests in more than a 100 cities, so y'know...Both sides.
On Saturday, a horrific terrorist attack took place in London. Given the opportunity to do his job and Lead the Free World, Donald J Trump (the J stands for "Fuckhead," was determined to rise to the challenge. Pacing the hallowed halls of the White House, looking to the portraits of great American leaders from Washington to Lincoln to Roosevelt, he said "Boys, I'm out of my element here, and I need your help...what should I do?"
And, because he's perpetually high on over-the-counter speed and his favorite Hong Kong Black Market hair growth tonic, he hallucinated that a painting of Millard Fillmore came to life and told him "Insult the Mayor of London, my good man! It's the only Presidential thing to be done!" before climbing out of its frame to sexually assault a portrait of Nancy Reagan.
And insult London's Mayor he did! Wielding his twitter account like a Sword forged from the Most Diseased Horseshit in All the Land, he did chastise Mayor Sadiq Khan for counseling calm in the face of a terror attack, when everyone knows a REAL leader's job is to fan the flames of fear with crazed, ill-informed, racist ranting, and if that happens to be exactly what a terrorist's wettest dream is, well so fucking be it.
The Associated Press took the extraordinary step of informing its readers that the President of the United States of America should not be considered a trustworthy source of information during a time of crisis, (What? Just because he was tweeting fear-mongering propaganda from the fucking Drudge Report before anything had been confirmed? SNOWFLAKES.) which is so fucking embarrassing that Mount Rushmore turned hot pink for the shame of it.
Anyway, Shart Garfunkel wants everybody to know what a big tuff boy he is when it comes to terrorism, and how we all need to be Strong and Not Politically Correct and Totally Normal-Sized-Handed like him, and so he fired off his deranged tweets and promptly ran away to play golf with a retired football player, because THAT IS HOW A MAN LEADS, YOU LIBTARD FEMINAZI CUCKS! Surely when the Michael Bay twelve-part docudrama film of the Shart Regime hits theatres, this is the point where music swells into a mashup of "Proud to Be an American" and "America, Fuck Yeah!" as images of a bloated orange Toe golfing in slow motion are juxtaposed with those of that Dirty Mooslim Mayor Fellah actually Doing His Job During a Crisis, and there won't be a dry eye in the house. Straight fucking Capra, that.
Meanwhile, Mad Dog Mattis made his makeshift mea culpas for his misanthropic master's madness. He's seriously telling our understandably shaken allies "bear with us." BEAR WITH US, we're all trying to figure out how to survive this insanity, I promise I'll hit him with a rock before he orders a nuclear strike on Laos "just to make sure the button works." Heaven help us all.
Speaking of Mattis, see that shit in Politico where the national security team walked Lil' Man Shart through the speech he was supposed to give at the NATO summit, and it included giving the thumbs up to Good Ol' Article Five, but when he gave the speech, he was all, "You're not Steve Bannon, I don't have to do what you say," and instead gave Article Five the finger and had Russian hookers piss on it? Isn't it comforting to know our Idiot Manchild President has figured out how to lie to the handful of adults in his inner circle, like some sort of incorrigible Dickens orphan? "Oh no, Jim, I would never declare war on North Korea just to distract the country from Comey's testimony, TEE HEE."
Donnie's tweeting day was hardly done, of course. He had a bunch of things to say about his racist-ass travel ban executive order, for one. He bitched and moaned about how much we need his Big Bad Ban, and how it was a mistake to switch to the Watered-Down, Cuck-y, P.C. Second Version of his Big Bad Ban.
The lawyers he has hired to defend his executive order in court, whose case is based largely on A) No It Is Not a Ban and B) No It Is Not Just a Watered-Down, Cuck-y, P.C. Version of the Original E.O., have presumably wandered into woods, having taped thirty pounds of raw steak to themselves, screaming "Eat me! FUCKING EAT ME YOU PUNK ASS BEARS" for reasons beyond this writer's comprehension.
Seriously, Circus Peanut Syndney Greenstreet (I know, just let me have this one) is fucking up his own travel ban's legal prospects so bad, Kellyanne Conway's husband went online to say "DUDE! STOP SHITTING IN YOUR OWN TACO BOWL ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID well of course you are but ARE YOU EVEN MORE FUCKING STUPID THAN WE THOUGHT?
The Failing New York Times later published a piece about how Dorito Mussolini is upset with his Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, over all his recusin' and failin'-to-defend-travel-bans and whatnot. AG Sessions refused to comment for this piece, even when he was offered some peanut butter, which he usually gets all excited about.
Drumpf went on to blame Democrats for obstructing all the ambassadors he hasn't nominated yet, and also for making his fingers so freakishly, pathetically, short.
Captain Planet Nemesis/EPA Head Scott Pruitt came up with a genuinely clever method of fulfilling his idiot boss' empty promises to bring coal jobs back: just tell everybody you already did it and hope nobody bothers checking! Pruitt told Meet the Press that they've created 50,000 coal sector jobs, which would mean literally doubling the number of coal jobs that there are in the entire fucking country. While this is rather embarrassingly obviously untrue, Pruitt went on to claim that he can beat Super Mario 3 in four minutes, and also throw a wicked split finger fastball at 96 MPH with an absolutely sick last-second drop and he totally owned Mike Trout in little league but he hurt his arm pushing this supermodel's Corvette out of a ditch this one time. Also he has a smokin' hot girlfriend. In Canada.
Mitch McConnell and his team of raisinesque mean white people returned from their recess, having promised a draft of their Obamacare repeal bill, instead able to offer only a stack of Denny's receipts and a notebook where Susan Collins had doodled a half dozen pictures of Ted Cruz getting eaten by cats. Apparently the task of stealing health care from millions of their constituents without getting blamed for, y'know, KILLING A FUCKTON OF PEOPLE, is kinda tricky. WHO KNEW?
Word is, the Senate GOP caucus is now considering holding a vote on an ACA repeal bill they'd know in advance would fail, just allow the party to move on to failing at tax reform. If this wasn't the biggest pack of assholes in the country, you'd almost feel bad for 'em. You sort of picture all these crusty old white folks sitting around in depressed silence until Lamar Alexander goes "We just can't govern, can we, fellas?" and John McCain says "Nope," and then then Marco Rubio starts crying and they cheer him up by letting him punch Ted Cruz a few a times.
Kellyanne Conway and that one creepy Nazi dude went on the teevee to tell us that the President's tweets, literally THE THINGS THE PRESIDENT SAYS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND THE WORLD are not accurate representations of the President's thoughts or policy or something, and the fact that I'm scanning the internet to see if Star-Wars-branded straightjackets might just happen to be a thing, and if so do they make them in my size, is just a coincidence, I assure you.
Politico published a sad little reverse mash note about how everybody hates Reince Pubis and he'll probably be fired before you finish this sentence because he is a shitty little weasel who sucks at his job but who the fuck would want a gig that's basically Shart wrangling all day long, the benefits package is migraines and ulcers and never having any self respect for the rest of your life and also probably jail, so Reincy-Poo probably gets to remain the President's personal Grima Wormtongue until sometime in 2019 when he finally snaps and gives Adam Schiff all the recordings he's been secretly making of Boss Shart trying to hire people to kill the entire FBI.
McClatchy told us the GOP is working on making the midterms a "referendum on the media," because that's exactly the position a healthy political party should be in after two years of total control of all three branches of government. Anyway, good luck with that, boys. It can't be any worse than running on your record of collaborating with the most corrupt administration in American history and trying to kill a bunch of us so rich people can have more money, to be fair.
Sean Spicer was in the doghouse today (a literal doghouse Drumpf had built in the corner of the Oval; Spicer has been existing on a diet of bone-shaped biscuits which he must earn by performing tricks for his boss' amusement.), so Sarah Huckabee Sanders wandered out to tell the press that while the President has ruled out invoking executive privilege to stop James Comey from testifying on Thursday, he's leaving the Run-Screaming-Into-the-Hearing-Swinging-Two-Ball-Peen-Hammers option on the table.
Oh, and then there was that shit with the leaked NSA memo about Russian state hackers trying to hack into American voting software vendors shit and all that. Whatever. Of course they did. Russia hacks everything these days. They're probably hacking me, right? VLAD PUTIN HAS THE BEST ASS AND ALSO DOES A KICKASS KARAOKE VERSION OF KISS ON MY LIST THAT MAKES ALL THE AMERICAN GIRLS WET WITH VLADLUST wait, who wrote that?
The leaker of this particular document was promptly arrested, and everybody's using words like "Opsec" because it makes them feel all cool, and her name is Reality Winner, actually fucking REALITY WINNER, which has me convinced that the last six months have been an elaborate prank on me personally and everybody's about to jump out from my closets like it's The Game, right? RIGHT???
Somehow, in the midst of this Sharknado full of Iowa State Fair outhouses, the Thumb That Somehow Governs Us decided that the one thing America really needed today, right goddamn now, is to have the air traffic control industry privatized. He set up a big fancy signing ceremony where he signed...fuck knows? It wasn't a bill or an executive order. He just likes signing things. "Look Mr. Bannon, it's my name! Just like on the buildings!"
You guys, I can't even get to everything. There's the thing about the Kushner family's debts in China, and a loser reporter trying to start shit with Mad Maxine Waters, and holy hell the crap with Qatar, but I'm about ten minutes away from being a Jackie Earle Haley character, so maybe we can catch up on the shit that fell through the cracks tomorrow.
(I did enjoy the bit where Sadiq Khan told Tangerine Idi Amin to shove his forthcoming state visit up his little orange butthole, though.).
Anyway, I assume Shartboy bombs something, probably San Diego, before Comey's testimony, so maybe I'll see you in the trenches!
The madness...holy shit, the madness...
Hey everybody! I'm sure you all enjoyed all the covfefe jokes, may they bring you comfort and cheer in these days of American decline!
Obviously the big news is the Marmalade Shartcannon withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement, because the Dunning-Kruger effect is REAL, y'all.
His speech had Steve Bannon's grubby little fingerprints all over it, and you have to appreciate Darth Wino's talent for manipulating his boss; that bit about the rest of the world laughing at us? That's Drumpf's emotional sweet spot. One of these days, Ivanka's gonna fail to break into some foreign market, and she'll lean down and whisper "They're laughing at you, Daddy," and everything'll get all Dr. Strangelove in about three minutes.
Anyway, he stumbled from lie to lie, to polite applause from an audience of vampiric old white dudes, impatient to return home for the day's life-giving transfusion of orphan blood. He started by offering condolences to his best bud Duterte for the terrorist attack in Manila that wasn't actually a terrorist attack, but we've all long since abandoned any expectations of honesty from this clown, so who even noticed? When he bragged about how well his non-existent tax bill was doing? Same thing. One of these days he's gonna find out about the Tooth Fairy, and on that day we are all in God's hands, friends.
Reactions were swift and mightily goddamn embarrassing for any American who was laboring under the illusion that they live in some sort of first world nation governed by thoughtful leaders elected by a not-at-all-batshit-crazy populace. France, Germany and Italy wasted no time whatsoever responding to Shartboy's proposal for new negotiations with a hearty "The Art of this Deal is Go Fuck Yourself." Elon Musk and Disney CEO Bob Iger left the President's advisory council in protest. Defiant Old Hippie/California Governor Jerry Brown is assembling a ragtag band of governors and mayors and also an elf and a dwarf so we can learn lessons about racial harmony, to implement the terms of the agreement anyway, at least in places that aren't governed by malicious twits who think science is the devil's plot because understanding things is bad, I guess. Even the fucking Weather Channel chimed in with a good sturdy troll.
Folks, when the Weather Channel is trolling your president, all possible sharks have been jumped.
Anyhow, it's probably not so bad. Not like our Idiot Manchild President just turned us into an international pariah, or voluntarily handed China and India the keys to the burgeoning multi-billion dollar clean energy technology market, or sent every nation on Earth the message that the United States is an unreliable partner that's never more than four years away from a rube-backed toddler tearing up decades of carefully-orchestrated diplomacy in a tantrum over the French President shaking his tiny hand too hard. OH WAIT.
This is just the kind of thing you have to expect when you elect the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's Understudy as your President. Apparently.
Meanwhile in Oklahoma, James Inhofe opened his freezer, took out the snowball he's lovingly preserved all these years, and finally fucked it into nonexistance, with tears of joy streaming down his face, as he has long planned.
Speaking of climate change, Michigan Congressdolt Tim Walberg says "Don'tchoo worry none, citizenfolk! If climate change is a real problem, then God'll take of it!" I say, if God thinks the rich are paying too much in taxes, let's leave cutting 'em to him.
Anyhow, what else is going on?
The Velveeta-Bloated Tick isn't going to let a silly thing like multiple investigations into his ties with Russia get in the way of acting like a Putin marionette, as he's apparently working to return a couple of spy compounds to Russia. "Y'know what'll take the heat off, Jared? Let's give Vlad his spy buildings back so he can spy on us better! I can't be expected to blab every piece of of classified intel the Boss wants in Oval Office meetings, shit, I can barely remember how to fucking walk!"
Dorito Mussolini broke with his predecessor's tradition in declining to note that today marked the beginning of LGBT Pride month, surprising no one except Log Cabin Republicans, surely the most confused organization in human history.
Oh, James Comey will be testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee on June 8th, won't that be fun? I get the feeling this'll be an unusually well-watched congressional hearing, sources tell me the Rolling Stones have been signed for the halftime show. I suspect this will prove challenging to Toupee Fiasco's assertion that the real story here is Unmasking.
Operation: Swamp Drain continues to go swimmingly, even if Boss Shart has granted waivers that allow his entire senior staff to continue dealings with any advocacy groups or media outlets they may have previously worked with, or, y'know, RUN coughcoughBreitbart. Oh, and he may've broken his ethics pledges by hiring a few lobbyists to work for him. Overseeing industries that they lobbied for. Don't worry, it's only like, 74 people.
So he breaks that promise. He breaks the promise to move the embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. But the one with the devastating consequences for the entire planet? I DRAW THE LINE THERE, AMERICA! WHEN DONALD TRUMP PROMISES A WASTELAND, HE GIVES THE PEOPLE A FUCKING WASTELAND.
Anyhow, word on the street is the Shart House is having trouble filling gigs like the freshly-vacated communications director post. I guess holding a jobs fair in an asylum that's burning to the ground while simultaneously sinking into a tar pit has its disadvantages. HUH.
And hey, it turns out Jared Kushner and Ol' Beauregard may've had yet ANOTHER meeting with Sergey Kislyak that seems to have slipped their minds on those pesky ol' federal disclosure forms. I tell you what, folks, that Kislyak fellah must have some wicked Jedi mind tricks that so many of these assclowns have forgotten so many of their encounters with him.
Oh, and Putin changed his tune a bit, suggesting, after months of denial, that yeah, maybe a Russian or two might've done a little bit of hacking in the American election. Not anybody who works directly for the state, and certainly not anybody who'll be alive come Monday, but you know those hackers and their hijinks! (Translation: he done got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.)
Yahoo broke the news (Good for you, Yahoo! Welcome to club, please report to Jake Tapper for hazing.) that Shart Administration officials, upon taking over the State Department, basically figured out how the coffee machine worked and then went right to work trying to repeal Russian sanctions because nobody makes Vlad wait for his money. If one were feeling less than charitable concerning the honor of folks like Kushner, Sessions, and Flynn, you could almost believe shit got worked out in advance. Maybe in, I don't know, some meeting they perjured themselves in refusing to disclose.
There's probably more, folks...but I'm all hopped up on cough syrup and despair for the future, so I'll have to sign off here...
Are you ready for...Tuesday Nite Madness?
So, it was a relatively tame weekend, by 2017 standards. Oh sure, maybe down in Texas a few legislators threatened to shoot each other, and maybe th'Post published a disturbing exposé that revealed the intelligence community has to resort to tricks like filling our Idiot Manchild President's intelligence briefings with pornographic cartoons and scratch n' sniff stickers to get him to pay attention, but generally the madness rained down so lightly you'd scarcely even notice it...
Sharty McFly returned from his Big Boy overseas trip all proud of himself for not accidentally starting a world war, for which Reince Priebus rewarded him with a lollipop, even though he lacked the stamina to walk alongside the other G7 leaders and had to chug along behind them in a golf cart groaning under the sheer orange bloat of him. (UPDATE: the golf cart was euthanized.)
Yeah, it went perfectly, even though everyone was more or less laughing in his face, and Angela Merkel was all, "Fuck these Yankee lunatics, any nation that gets duped by a ruse as Michael-Bay-stupid as Pizzagate can't be trusted, I'm the leader of the free world now, bitches, and the leader of the free world says everybody has to eat bratwurst and wear lederhosen and any other stereotypical German things that can be drudged up for cheap laughs!" (Historians note that this is the paragraph where this post became "problematic."
Anyway, Team Shart is setting up a mega-rad WAR ROOM to fight back against all scandals that keep popping up because everyone is corrupt, evil, and incompetent. They're even talking about bringing back Season One cast member Corey Lewandowski, in case there are any lady reporters who need roughing up! Asking the clods who perpetrated the neverending shitshow these assclowns finds themselves floudering about it in strikes me as a bit like asking the Chicken from Moana to carve the Statue of David, but by all means...proceed. (484 anonymous sources tell me the war room will have laser tag, and a ball pit.)
Jared Kushner continues to find himself in deeper shit than he had ever imagined was possible. Nobody can even come up with a good lie to cover his Ernest Goes to the Kremlin ass, so he's finally facing down a problem Daddy's Checkbook can't solve. And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face, Resisters, I don't know what will.
Memorial Day gave us the unforgettable image of the Marmalade Shartcannon treating the national anthem at Arlington like a Fenway Park singalong of Sweet Caroline, as well as Ivanka encouraging all the plebes to make super-fun champagne popsicles, probably to take to the graves of their family members who died in the Middle East so that Rex Tillerson could sell oil rights to sanctioned banks. Champagne popsicles might not fill the enormous void left by the loss of a loved one, BUT THEY ALSO JUST MIGHT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY, RIGHT?
Oh hey, and Chuck Woolery turned out to be kind of a low-grade Nazi, who knew, but he's doing this weird thing on twitter where he's listing people who are Jewish? Which is maybe some fun new racist game show, I guess? Also, Chuck Woolery is apparently still alive?
Didja see that thing where Pumpkin Spice Goebbels decided he wanted a Coat of Arms so as to seem all European and fancy so he just stole some other family's Coat of Arms and slapped his flabby, tiny-fingered little name across it? FLASH POLL: Pathetic thing, or the MOST pathetic thing?
Shart House Communications Director Mike Dubke became the first rat to desert the sinking ship today, because somehow everyone else thinks there's some remote possibility that all this shit works out and they all get to sail away to the Grey Havens in three and a half years. One can only assume that Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer believe that Shane lives.
Anyhow, CNN, feeling insecure about being scooped by dying media like NYT and WaPo and Teen Vogue, broke the news that Vlad and Co. threw a little party to celebrate all the influence they'd have over the current administration what with all the oligarch debts and piss hooker videos and whatnot. Sean Spicer's ulcer celebrated by expanding through his entire chest cavity.
Faced with the Republican-controlled Senate's inability to pass health care or tax reform legislation under reconciliation rules, the Candycorn Skidmark demanded an end to the filibuster, because he is a stupid, stupid man who doesn't understand one fucking thing about his job. Sources say he will eventually push for bills to pass by a vote of Tom Cotton, two sock puppets on each of Tom Cotton's hands, and Ted Cruz in hat that says "Make America Great Again Also My Dad Killed Kennedy."
Senator/Faux Maverick John McCain went down to Australia and talked about how "unsettled" he was by Donald Trump. Back home in America, Senator Ben Sasse talked about the "anxiety" he feels about the leader of his party. These two men continue to stand, proud and defiant, condemning the President with utterly useless words, while voting for his agenda nearly 100% of the time, hoping none of their constituents ever figure out the difference between Actions and Words.
Sad Lackey/Pigfucker Devin Nunes told a group of GOP donors that the whole Russia investigation was FAKE GNUS, fake like that hot Russian model who hits on you on Match.com but asks for your credit card before you can get topless pics! Sure, a whole bunch of intelligence officials have testified to the contrary, but Devin really wants a white house job to fill the hours between the sporadic fucking of pigs he gets up to.
Meanwhile, Drumpf's personal lawyer Michael Cohen has denied requests to comply with congressional investigations, setting up the inevitable round of subpoenas. After having made a career from bullying clout-less small-time contractors on behalf of his scumfuck boss, it's particularly satisfying to watch this asshole squirm. Perhaps in the near future, he'll get the opportunity to drop his signature "Says Who?" catchphrase on the cell mate who remarks that He Sure Has a Purty Mouth.
Mike Flynn decided to turn over some of the documents that've been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence committee because he is today's CUCK OF THE DAY. When you hear the special CUCK OF THE DAY prompt (Which is a spittle-drenched gamergater screeching "CUUUUUUUCK" into his Xbox live headset), be the seventh caller to win a front row seat to protest alongside fellow besweatpantsed MRA losers at an all-female screening of WONDER WOMAN.
Oh, and then AP broke the gnus that Cheeto Broderick Crawford* has been giving world leaders his personal, unsecured cell phone number so that they can call him up to talk about how Arnold sucks at hosting the Apprentice and to swap state secrets while his buddies Sergei and Sergey listen in. And you find yourself wondering, "Who is dumber, the President of the United States of America, or Some Mike and Ikes That Melted Together Because You Left Them in the Car?" And you realize that you'd probably rather be governed by the Mike and Ikes if you had a choice.
There's more, of course, There's always more. We're probably about to exit the Paris Climate Agreement, and investigators are disappearing while investigating Ivanka's sweatshops in China, and Drumpf's twitter account is adding bots like Ultron, but there's only so much madness a fellah can handle before he starts chewing on his own toes like so much jerky, so let me leave you with the always-appropriate observation that...shit be cray, people...shit be cray.
*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week.
Another entry in the American Madness Journal...
Yeah yeah, we all woke up in a world where some rich dude got elected to congress the day after body-slamming a reporter*. It sucks, and of course the media loves to trot out smug idiots in their Funyon-stained TRUMP THAT BITCH sweatshirts to talk about how All Them Reporters Haz it Comin', but you know what? Every single congressional district except ONE isn't in Montana, and they're all up for grabs in a year and a half.
So get busy resistin' or get busy dyin', says I.
And if you need a little pick-me-up, you can take a moment to delight in all the advertisers fleeing Sean Hannity's show like a Depeche Mode concert where they announce they're only doing shit from the last two albums. Sean announced a snap vacation, presumably to check to see that all his Horcruxes are still safe.
There was that little thing where a Florida GOP operative openly confessed to colluding with Russian hacker Guccifer 2.0 in leaking DCCC documents, and then Guccifer sent Roger Stone a link to the colluder's blog. Basically, we're now officially one small step from proving collusion between Russia and the Shart campaign and I haven't been this aroused since I was a kid watching the Madonna scenes in DICK TRACY.
Orange Julius Caesar continues to stumble around Europe like a spoiled toddler in suburban shopping mall. He's pushing foreign heads of state around so he can get to the front of the line because his mommy told him he was the Specialest Boy and Is Montenegro a Real Country Anyway, and telling everyone how Germany is Bad and Arnold Schwarzenegger got worse ratings on the Apprentice than he did.
After taking extra special care to avoid "lecturing" the autocratic mass murderers he was selling a fuckton of guns to, Grimace's Senile Orange Uncle decided that a 9/11 commemoration ceremony was the perfect place to lecture all those nations that rushed to our defense in the days after 9/11. There was much eye rolling and mocking from European heads of state, and Shiny New French President Emmanuel Macron even showed Dorito Mussolini how a real man plays the crushing handshake game, to the amusement of all. (Having vanquished Drumpf at his chosen domination ritual, Macron will now have first rights to Ivanka when Jared Kushner goes to jail, which you know really eats Donnie's ass.)
(Oh by the by, after the leader of the free world's assurance that Silly Ol' Human Rights don't fucking matter anymore, Bahrain immediately engaged in a bloody crackdown on dissenters, which is a coincidence just like John Cusack running into Kate Beckinsale over and over again, except with murder instead of shitty romcom tropes.)
Yup, Ol' Shartful went out and shit on our most loyal allies, which must be what Big Daddy Vlad made him do before he could collect this week's allowance. The fact that he keeps doing exactly what Russia wants while being accused of having shady ties to Russia is a puzzle, isn't it? Just a Gordian Fucking Knot.
Mike Pence, a couple days after endorsing and campaigning for a petulant rage monster, gave a graduation speech at the Naval Academy, citing "character" and "integrity," in an apparent attempt to goad his God into striking him down with a bolt of lightning. Having avoided his inevitable comeuppance for another day, Pence retired to a private cabin to furiously fap to pictures of firemen raping Dalmatians.
Oh, 'member that little story about Jaunty Jim Comey basing his decision to interfere in the election with a public scolding of our Hilldawg partially on that document that most of the folks in the FBI thought was fake? Well, TURNS OUT Jimmy Boy was like "Duh, I know it's fake, but it might get out and people might think it's real, so I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do," because Comey's reputation is THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD, BIGGER THAN A CURE FOR CANCER DELIVERED IN THE HOLY GRAIL, THE MACGUFFIN OF ALL MACGUFFINS, THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER TRULY MATTERED.
Seriously. There should be scroll text before all the Mad Max movies that says "Yeah, we're all in this shit because this one dude was worried Gail Collins might write a nasty column about him. Anyway, time to kill folks for fuel and water!"
Former House Speaker John Boehner told the world that in his view, Tangerine Idi Amin has been "a complete disaster," proving that bipartisanship isn't totally dead. Boehner went on to call the President a "Disgrace to whatever weird, white-dudes-who-are-also-orange ethnicity we seem to share." In response, the White House issued a statement claiming that Trump is rubber, Boehner is glue, and whatever Boehner says bounces off of Trump and sticks to Boehner. (On this, the science is currently inconclusive.)
The Mighty Hilldawg gave a witheringly badass commencement speech at her alma mater, Wellesley, today. She laughed at Shartboy's tiny crowds and petty lies and alternative man hands and basically announced she's planning on sitting in the gallery during his impeachment hearing with 40 and a joint, laughing her popular-vote-winning ass off while he goes down in flames like a common Dick Nixon. She threw up her middle fingers, from which there issued a purifying light that flew through the air to the very White House itself, where it shattered Sean Spicer's pet rock and made Reince Priebus shit his pants in fear.
In the background, Sheriff Dave Clarke continues to field inquiries into his plagiarized master's thesis and fraudulent uniform flair with all the artfulness of a twice-baked potato. While it's certainly welcome news that the plagiarism might derail his appointment to DHS, you have to wonder why that thing where a mentally ill man died of dehydration in his jail because NOBODY GAVE HIM WATER FOR A FUCKING WEEK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PETTY SADISTS wasn't, y'know, a little more disqualifying. Anyway, Sheriff Dave gets SUPER PISSED when a reporter calls him to point out that he has a bunch of Cracker Jack prizes on his uniform so that people will think he's some kind of highly decorated supercop, instead of just a piece of shit who tortures people to death.
There was a little story today about how the White House is gonna look into vetting the Marmalade Shartcannon's tweets, because they might be getting everybody into political, and even legal, trouble. Golly, didja just figure that one out, Sun Tzu?
Dropping in on the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, JeffBeau continues to reshape the Justice Department into a weapon for the wealthy to wield against the serf class. Will he prosecute Citibank for a lil' ol' crime like laundering money for years an' years? Why, NAW. Will he have Justice side with a predatory lender that foreclosed on a serviceman's house while he was serving his third tour of duty in the Middle East? "Why, that deadbeat should be ashamed of himself, missin' payments while doin' such an incawnsequeeeential thing as takin' fire in a war zone."
It's really hard to imagine failing at Being a Human Being any worse than Jeff Sessions. Every time he looks into a mirror, the mirror farts and disintegrates.
The Senate Intelligence Committee ordered the Shart Campaign to turn over all their documents for investigation. All of 'em. Every email, phone call and piece of paper, which means some poor intern's gonna have to sift through a ten pound box of Steve Bannon's liquor store receipts until we find the note where these assclowns agreed to trade absolution of all their bankruptcy debts for an easing of sanctions, Guam, and probably Katy Perry singing at a few Oligarch birthday parties. And pity the poor staffer who has to sort through Mike Pence's horrendous, subhuman, porn history.
But then juuuuuuuust when you were thinking you'd get to enjoy your Friday night binging Veronica's Closet without the Sharknado of Scandal intruding into your brainspace, WaPo chimed in with dat notification that they push so well (unh) and it turns out that Jared Kushner had some secret meetings with the Russian ambassador to set up a little off-the-record, super secret n' secure, hidden from everybody else in America back channel line so that they could stay up all night talking about boys and clothes.
Oh, and this was in a meeting he failed to disclose on the forms he had to fill out to get his security clearance, which is crime. Now, I got banned for life from Hy-Vee for shoplifting baseball cards, so there damn well best be some consequences here.
Oh, did I mention that Jeff Sessions and Mike Flynn committed the exact same crime? And that the meetings they failed to disclose were also with...th' Russians? That three members of the Shart's inner circle committed such similar crimes is just Ace-Ventura-wacky, don'tcha think? Anyway, these assholes still have access to classified information, so SLEEP TIGHT.
Reuters followed up with the revelation that there were an additional THREE instances of contact with the Jarster and his Russian besties throughout the campaign and transition, and that the FBI is investigating whether this team of poor-man's-David-Mamet-grifters were willing to trade the relaxing of American sanctions on Russia for personal financing favors.
Shit is all kinds of real, folks.
'Member when it turned out Jar-Jar was pro-firing-Comey-to-head-off-the-Russia-investigation? Funny, that.
Anyway, I'm sure there's a perfectly good, ethical, legal, excusable reason for all this secrecy, all this lying, all this covering-up. I bet they were all just planning a kickass surprise party for a mutual friend, and the Washington Post just ruined the surprise so now everybody just has to go to the same dumb pizza joint they go to every year, and they don't even allow piss hookers, so THANKS A MILLION, JOURNALISM.
Dunno what to say, except...shit be cray.
*It's really hard not to make wrestling jokes here. Like, dude went "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK OF THE CBO SCORE!" and Rock Bottoms the reporter through the Spanish announcer's table. Too specific?
Long, batshit crazy day. Is there any other kind anymore?
Let's start with the good news, Resistors! Didja see that shit where a couple of badass Democratic women won state legislative seats in New York and New Hampshire? Seats held by Republicans since Mitch McConnell was a mere hatchling? Seats that Drumpf carried by safe margins just last November? Yeah. That was pretty sweet, wasn't it?
Anyhow, the morning sun greeted us with the news that our Idiot Manchild President had somehow managed to make the Happiest of All Possible Popes sad, which isn't really surprising, actually. I imagine Baloo would probably commit suicide if he had to spend twenty minutes with this clown, realizing that he really is President of the Fucking United States.
In a bit of petty cruelty, it seems that Sean Spicer, a devout Catholic who serves as Spraytan Himmler's personal sewage treatment plant, sucking up shit for him day and day out, was denied his once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet the Pope, possibly the only perk of a job that has cost him his reputation, his legacy, and his decency. Anyway, the odds of Spicey going rogue and telling the press stories about his boss trying to order James Comey's murder while gargling hooker pee have drastically increased.
Somebody in the White House leaked the transcript of Shartboy's phone call with Serial Mass Murderer/World Leader Apparently Rodrigo Duterte, and golly what a meeting of the minds that was. The leader of the free world complemented a petty tinpot dictator on all the murdering he's been up to, which made every other American President roll in their graves and even the living ones involuntarily do the hokey pokey, because extra-judicial murders are maybe not in tune with the principals our nation was founded on? Oh, and because he's perpetually compensating for his tiny tiny tiny tiny hands, he even bragged to this barely-significant thug, basically If Heads of State Were All Hair Bands, This Guy Is White Lion, about the super-ridiculously-classified locations of our submarine fleet.
You should never give classified intel to a dude with the insecurity levels of a zit-covered sixth grade boy at his first school dance. Is apparently a lesson the world needed to learn in 2017.
Meanwhile, Michael Flynn's subpoena collection is getting SO SWEET, y'all. He's now been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee, the House Intelligence Committee, the Philadelphia Phillies, the West Coast Avengers, and the Barista at My Starbucks Who's Always Pestering People With Card Tricks. Everybody's made extra sure to write "You want immunity? LOL!" on the subpoenas, in crayon, because Mike Flynn is about as fucked as a human being can be without having reached retirement age in the pornography industry.
Speaking of legal troubles, Shart Garfunkel's lawyering up! He hired a dude who's also represented a giant Russian bank tied to Putin because maybe he doesn't know anyone without shady Russian ties, I guess. Oh, and he's gonna try to use campaign funds to pay for the enormous legal defense he's gonna need, which is one more middle finger to all the working class folks he's duped into supporting him.
Senitent Testicular Tumor Sean Hannity continued his meltdown today, screeching about all the persecution he's facing just cuz he's traumatizing a grieving family for the sake of spreading an utterly baseless conspiracy backed by nothing but the unsupported ravings of a known dirtbag liar. (If you're not familiar with Kim Dot Com, it would be absolutely sinful for me to spoil the google search that awaits you. Wear gloves.) The advertisers have started to jump ship, but let's all keep dogpiling on this horror a human being; in any just society, he'd be driven into the hills.
Hey, remember your salad days, when you didn't need to know what "emoluments" meant? Those days have gone the way of Triple Chocolate Twix and Perfect Strangers, my friends, as today we learned that the Shart Organization has decided it can't be bothered to track every little bribe that gets funneled to the President's family by foreign governments in their hotels, cuz they'll be damned if they'll let a silly thing like the law get in the way of the hot, sticky, grift they've lucked into.
And as you were sifting through the day's madness, NYT broke that little story about how a Russian document that most intelligence professionals agreed was clearly fake and designed to fuck with U.S. spyfolk was apparently a key factor in Jazzy Jim Comey's decision to whip his wang out in the middle of the American election, muddying waters and casting doubt and ultimately enabling the election of the Perpetually Tantruming Toddler who is currently ruining everything from diplomacy to the judicial system to steak. The big takeaway here is that Comey is obviously an agent of some forgotten civilization's Chaos Gods, and he's not going to stop fucking shit up until Planet of the Apes is a fucking documentary.
Dr. Ben Carson, who is somehow good at brain surgery despite having a second-grade understanding of literally every other aspect of life on Earth, weighed in on the nature of poverty, which he claimed is simply a "state of mind." This is sure to be welcome news to the millions of folks kicking and clawing and biting just to make it to their next paycheck; perhaps their landlords and doctors and utility companies will accept Optimism as legal tender from now on, thanks to Dr. Ben's hot fucking take.
In international intelligence news, it turns out that Israel has made undisclosed changes in how it shares intel with the U.S., and other nations are in various stages of following suit. It's almost like having a chief executive who haphazardly leaks highly classified intelligence to authoritarians because he wants them to invite him over for sleepovers where they eat a whole bunch of pizza and try to beat Contra without the Konami code might have some negative consequences. HUH.
Oh, remember when Toupee Fiasco stood up and bellowed about all the jobs he saved at Carrier, that air conditioning company in Indiana? 7 million dollars in tax breaks, but Oh Golly The Jobs He Had Saved? Yeah, Carrier announced it's firing 632 workers, and sending their jobs to Mexico. Nice work, Not-So-Great Pumpkin.
Obviously, the biggest gnus was the CBO score of the Serfs Live Too Long Anyway Act, excuse me, the "AHCA." 24 million Americans will lose health insurance, millions more will piss their money away on plans that won't provide services when they're needed, people with pre-existing conditions are fucked, old people are fucked, medical bankruptcies make a comeback just like Family Guy only with Death instead of inane gay jokes.
But don't worry, campers, it's all for a good cause! A $663,000,000,000 tax cut for the wealthy fucks who, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE, bankroll the House GOP's campaigns! This bill even manages LESS deficit reduction than AHCA mark one, but damn if doesn't keep the wealth distribution from your-cancer-treatment-to-David-Koch's-Hummel-figurine-fund totally fucking intact.
Paul Ryan, because he is a soulless monster, actually did a wee victory dance over the CBO score. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya.
Low-income seniors in states that take the waiver the Freedom Caucusers fought so hard for stand to see their premiums increase more than 800%. EIGHT HUNDRED PERCENT. Needless to say, that's more money than anyone can afford. So what happens there is, people who are old but not too old for Medicare can't afford health insurance, so they drop out of the market, and then the market "corrects," and premiums drop. Because the sickest, neediest people can't afford insurance, and just DIE, premiums for the rest of us go down. AND THAT'S WHAT PAUL RYAN IS CELEBRATING TONIGHT, PRESUMABLY OVER A CUPCAKE MADE FROM A MIX HE FOUND IN THE PANTRY OF SOME LADY WHO DIED FROM A TREATABLE CONDITION SHE JUST COULDN'T AFFORD ANYMORE BECAUSE OF PAUL PIGFUCKING RYAN.
All to finance tax cut for the Swiss Family Robinshart and their rich buddies. Don't forget his budget contains FURTHER health care cuts. So now they'll all go back to their old strategy of just straight lying, telling everyone their plan covers everybody and lowers costs and probably brings back Firefly or some shit.
On the bright side, this shit is horrendously unpopular, and the House GOP is so fucking scared of the electoral consequences almost none of them have the sack to hold a town hall. 17 months 'till the midterms, you fucks.
The rabid morlocks of the Freedom Caucus, feelin' cocky about having custom-designed the anchor they tied to their colleagues' ankles, decided tonight was the perfect time to drop a statement saying they'd oppose any clean debt ceiling hike, because some men just want to watch the world burn. Mark Meadows has slit the throat of a virgin goat, painted his face with its blood, and set fire to Orrin Hatch's car, in what I'm told is a leadership challenge ritual he made up twenty minutes ago after chugging three bottles of Boone's Farm Blue Hawaiian.
Oh, and it turns out the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, in addition to lying about his contacts with the Russians in his confirmation hearings, also lied on his security clearance application forms, which means the Justice Department is headed by a dude who's broken a whole Denny's Grand Slam Skillet's worth of federal laws. Jeff Sessions must be longing for the days when he was an inconsequential Senator who was too racist to be invited to trivia night at legislator bars.
Pretty nutty day, amiright? You ain't seen nuthin' yet, friends.
If you ever wanted politics to be more like pro wrestling, your wildest dreams came true tonight! The GOP candidate in tomorrow's special House election in Montana (some jag named Greg something, who cares) had a reporter ask him, WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN THE CBO SCORE RUNS WILD ON YOU? And Greg-O "body slammed" him. Physically assaulted him. In front of other journalists, too. Took him down and just started whalin' on him.
Because this is what the Republican Party has come to in this Age of Shart; rage-filled dipshits lashing out because they don't like that people are allowed to ask them questions. Team Greg issued a totally bullshit statement with their own made-up version of what happened, which was debunked not only by the smackdowned reporter's audio recording, but by the FOX NEWS journalists who witnessed it. When Fox News calls a Republican a liar, you know the dude is a LIAR.
It's a whole fucking shitstorm, folks. Did you ever imagine you'd live to see such days? If it gets you down, let me leave you with this...google "Al Franken Cruz joke." Worth it.
Anyhow. Shit be cray, amiright?
Late thoughts on the day's madness...
Y'know what's absolutely fucking nutty, friends? I look at today's news, which would have made newspapers in any other year in human history shriek like banshees, and I think "Meh. Not really up to the standards of say, last Wednesday."
In short...shit be cray.
Over the weekend, David Lynch's TWIN PEAKS returned to television, and Mississippi lawmaker Karl Oliver celebrated by saying that people who oppose the removal of monuments dedicated to treasonous confederate losers should be lynched! Isn't it fun that there are still old white dudes in the south who want angry mobs to carry out extra-legal murders of folks who oppose racism? It just gives you Andy-Griffith-style warm fuckin' fuzzies, makes you wanna pour cough syrup and Sudafed into a big ol' vat of your gramma's sweet tea, slap on a white hood and ride around burning crosses in some lawns, DOESN'T IT? Not to get all editorial, but fuck each and every single person who decides that Protecting Confederate Monuments is a cause worth fighting for.
Speaking of lynching...oh, what's that? You thought that there would only be one story about lynching, because it's the 21st century and we're more civilized than that? Nah, brah, we're in Donald Trump's Amerikkka now, and you're lucky we're not quite to the point where you need a special newsletter JUST for fucking lynching news.
Anyway, Representative Al Green, who recently called for the Orange Julius Caesar's impeachment on the floor of the House because he's ahead of his time, like the Elon Musk of taking our country back, shared some of the death threats he got from the little shartkins, including yes, talk of stringing him up, from the type of dickless jagoffs who watch Mississippi Burning and get the same wistful nostalgic feeling that I get from hearing Kenny Chesney sing a song about drinking beer in high school.
And then, goddammit, on the University of Maryland campus, Richard Collins III was actually lynched, stabbed to death by a 22-year-old wannabe Klansman piece of human garbage, just the latest act of horrifying violence perpetrated by the increasingly brazen white supremacist movement. And our President, who can't let a sketch comedy parody pass without comment, won't say one fucking word of condemnation about this shit.
Beyond that, the weekend was relatively quiet.
The Marmalade Shartcannon left on his Big Boy trip, and it was nice to be rid of him for a bit, wasn't it? For at least a few days, this pussy-grabbing fraudster wouldn't defile the Oval Office with his oozing indecency.
And boy howdy, do the Saudis have our Idiot Manchild President figured out. Give him a shiny gold medal, project his bloated Harkonnen face on the side of building, and he'll do whatever the fuck you want. Sell you weapons the Obama administration wouldn't? Shit, he'll even have his boy, Feyd-Rautha Kusher BARGAIN AN AMERICAN COMPANY DOWN SO YOU GET A BETTER PRICE. Pressure for human rights violations? I don't see any need for that, behead whoever the fuck you want, I've never seen my fat fucking head so big before!
The Saudis even sweetened the pot with a cool hundred-million-dollar donation to Ivanka's foundation which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from the Saudi donations to the crooked Clinton foundation in that it is much fucking larger.
Oddly, after months and months of telling everybody that only through the Unrivaled Mystic Power of Saying 'Radical Islam' Aloud could terrorism be forever vanquished, Donnie TOTALLY CUCKED OUT because he is the Cuckiest Cuck who ever Cucked. He also bowed to the Saudi king, who then fucked his wife while he watched, because he is a Cuck.
There was also that whole thing with the Orb, but by this point in the day, literally every single Orb joke has been told, so just insert your favorite in this paragraph and give me credit for it, okay?
Incidentally, it took about a day and a half for the Velveeta-Stuffed Tick to start cancelling events, citing "exhaustion." Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment as she was busy shotputting bowling balls off the mountain she had climbed just because it was there. Don't worry though, Shartboy sent a replacement to cover for him. Oh, no, not like, the Secretary of State; he's an oil baron who doesn't have any relevant experience. He sent his daughter, who designs costume jewelry. Because we're a hereditary monarchy now. Did you miss that meeting?
Wilbur Ross, still surly at having been left out of the quest to the Lonely Mountain, tagged along on his boss' trip in case he needed any money laundered. He marveled at the lack of protests he encountered in a nation where protests are illegal. In fact, upon learning that dissent is sometimes punishable by beheading in Saudi Arabia, ol' Wilbur's withered dwarf wang became partially erect for the first time in lo these many centuries.
Shart-o the Clown then left the Middle East for Israel (his words, not mine). He wasted no time in confirming that Israel was indeed the source of the classified intel he leaked The Spy Firm of Sergei and Sergey, as only a man of such limited intellect can; he defiantly informed the media that they were dastardly and dishonest in reporting that he had told the Russians that Israel was the intel's source, which is something literally no one accused him of. Everyone was embarrassed at how triumphal he looked, like some dipshit kid beaming that he just own-goaled himself.
Oh, and Michael Flynn invoked his fifth amendment privileges today.
(This space inserted to give you time to look up old statements and tweets where Flynn and his allies inferred the guilt of various members of the Clinton State Department for invoking the fifth. I'll get a fudgcicle and meet you back here in five.)
Anyway, yeah, he's choosing not obey his subpoena, which doesn't legally apply to the documents in question, so now we'll see if these Republican-controlled committees have any teeth. Having staved off his reckoning for another day, Flynn returned to his basement, where he's set up all his green plastic army men, who he likes to lead in imaginary "Lock her up" chants, as old Abu Ghraib torture videos play in the background for comfort.
Speaking of Flynn, it broke later that he lied to Pentagon investigators about his shady-ass Russian income, according to a letter from all-around-badass-and-also-Congressman Elijah Cummings, but it's not like lying to a federal investigator is a crime.
Wait, what? Oh. It is a crime, y'say? Well shit, Mikey Me Boy-o, you'd best offer something real real special if you want that immunity you're always askin' for. Cuz honestly son, you've broken more laws than an entire NFL team.
In the background, some of the particularly leprous souls in the right wing media scumosphere have decided to aim for the REALLY exclusive circles of Hell, and continue exploiting the death of Seth Rich despite the total debunking of their story and that whole basic-human-decency-in-the-face-of-a-grieving-family thang. Sean Hannity and Newt Gingrich keep shrieking about it because if some malicious 4chan rando is right, and if every single element of the Dagwood Sandwich of leaked evidence turns out to be phony, this somehow exonerates Team Shart of the whole Russia thing so who needs decency? I'm not a religious man, but if there's an afterlife, Hannity and Gingrich are getting the straight Human Centipede treatment, and you can fucking print that.
In an ominous reminder of the rapidly approaching day the terms of their agreement come due, Satan opened a massive sinkhole just outside Marm-a-Lago this morning.
While I've got your attention...Be honest, how many times did you watch that video of Melania slapping his grubby, orb-stained hand away? In slo-mo and all? Poor Donnie. Do they have pee hookers in Riyadh?
And then the Shart budget landed, and somehow it's crueler and more asinine than your already low expectations prepared you for, like that Independence Day sequel. Massive cuts to everything from farm subsidies to food stamps to children's health programs to federal employee pensions to meals on walls, all to finance enormous tax cuts for the wealthy, who will then, in their benevolence, create All The Jobs, instead of doing what they've done at every other point in human history, which is buy museum-quality paintings to eat triangle-shaped sandwiches off of, because fuck you, plebes.
(He wants to cut Habitat for Humanity, probably because he can't seem to find an FBI director who will bring him Jimmy Carter's head on a plate. There's actually a substantial increase in funding for something called "The Soylent Green Initiative," anybody know what that's about?)
He also proposed cutting the national debt by selling off half of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, cuz it's not like there's any scenario where we might need some extra oil, right? Besides, Ben Carson wants to use the extra space to store grain.
Hey, speaking of money, have you seen all those stories about all the Big Expensive Lawyering Up all Pumpkin Spice Himmler's collaborators are going to have to do? When I think about Sessions and Bannon and Kellyanne and the rest going broke defending themselves, it brings a tear* to my eye. I'm particularly looking forward to hiring Stephen Miller to work as a dunk-tank clown for every birthday party I have for the rest of my fucking life.
(*A tear of raw, unrefined, motherfucking JOY.)
Late in the day, WaPo broke the news that Dorito Mussolini's obstruction of justice didn't stop with FBI Director Comey. Nah, seems he also asked DNI Dan Coates and Admiral Michael S. Rogers, head of the National Security Agency, to do him a solid and sweep that lil' ol' Russia story under the rug. And of course there are memos. Which are now being passed over to Special Counsel Mueller, TEE FUCKIN' HEE.
Friends, this might be controversial, but I don't think our President is very smart. He just stumbles around, asking every third dude he comes across to shut down all these investigations into, well, HIMSELF, without a single passing thought that anyone would mind, or that he might be breaking some very fat, thick, laws.
Shit, Toupee Fiasco spends so much time obstructing justice, you wonder when he finds time to golf.
And then fucking Manchester happened, and I don't have anything to say about that except...tell the folks you love that you love them, shit is fucking fragile.
On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences.
Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!
And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"
There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.
Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.
So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."
There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.
And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.
Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.
(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)
But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.
The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.
Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?
Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.
Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.
In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.
And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.
Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.
Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.
Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.
Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.
...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)
Late cuz of the hack, but holy hell the world is insane
Well folks, not to repeat myself, but...shit be cray.
The news continues to roll out like it was being written by John le Carré, chained to radiator in David Cronenberg's basement, subsisting entirely on moonshine and Sour Patch Kids.
Reeling from yesterday's tropical grade shit show, we were grateful to wake up to relatively little new breaking nonsense. Oh sure, the security detail of a visiting autocrat beat the living snot out of some American citizens right in Washington, and the Shart House didn't seem to mind, but shit like that isn't even gonna land on page six when you're competing with Putin and leakers and piss hookers.
The day was actually mostly quiet. TOO QUIET, you thought to yourself, terrified to say it out loud lest you conjure a push notification alerting you that our President had ordered an invasion of Portugal, because he couldn't find old episodes of Harry and the Hendersons streaming anywhere and Steve Bannon told him there were bootleg DVDs for sale in Lisbon.
The Hairplug That Ate Deceny gave the commencement speech at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. It was kinda fun to watch him all pissy and listless, struggling to read fancy words like "scourge" off the teleprompter for a bit, but I got bored and shut it off, which means I missed the part where he started whinging like Tonya Harding about how In All of Human History Ne'er Was A Man So Cruelly Mistreated Especially By the Media Which is Fake and Also it is Unfair That My Daughter Won't Let Me Touch Her Butt, Boo Fucking Hoo. He's so fragile. He's white and tiny and fragile and he melts away when facing the tiniest bit of heat. Like a snowflake. Yeah. Hey, somebody should make that a thing, "snowflake."
We had a laugh when Shrieking Canker Sore Alex Jones lost a fight with Yogurt, and had to tell the whole world what pathetic liar he is. The courts have been super mean to Lexie of late, prolly because all judges are lizard people or cucks or perhaps even Lizard Cucks, but it sure is fun watching assholes lose, ain't it?
Further schadenfreude was dispensed when the story broke about the GOP candidate in the forthcoming Montana special election owning a stake in a company that's accused of paying off ISIS. Yes, THAT ISIS. Mike Pence is out in Montana campaigning for a dude who owns stock in a company that gave money to ISIS. Anyway, how 'bout them Mets?
Also Robert Fisher, State Rep in New Hampshire, resigned in the wake of the revelation that he founded the "Red Pill" subreddit, which is like the hair catcher in your shower, except instead of your pubes it gets clogged with dickless man-children who can't handle watching women think and talk and have jobs, while they're too busy screaming racial slurs at strangers on Xbox Live to understand why their lives aren't awesomer.
We found out Il Douche appointed Sheriff David Clarke to a high level post in the Homeland Security department, possibly because Sebastian Gorka was tired of consistently being labeled Most Evil Fuck Amongst This Cadre of Evil Fucks, because Sheriff Dave is Stone Cold Evil, famous for such smash hit singles as "Advocating Violence Against Anyone Who Disagrees With Me," "A Mentally Ill Man Died My Jail Because We Didn't Give Him Water For a Week and Without Water You Die," and the timeless "Also a Baby Died in That Same Jail Literally a Baby Because We Denied Medical Care to a Woman in Labor WE KILLED A FUCKING BABY" and this monster is the kind of fellah the Marmalade Shartcannon believes should be in the federal government. While Sheriff Dave announced how happy he was to join Team Shart, the hiring doesn't seem to be official just yet, so maybe there's hope.
And then right about Happy Hour, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein popped up and said "Hey you guys, what've you been up to today? Did you have a nice lunch? Didja see that thing with those romper shorts things for guys? I think they're weird, but wear what you like, amiright? Oh, also I just appointed the former head of the FBI as the special counsel to investigate Shart Garfunkel and all his Russian buddies. SHIT ON MY REPUTATION, WILL YOU YOU MOLTEN SHERBERT GLOB? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? ROSENSTEIN OUT!" and he strode away shooting his middle fingers in the direction of the oval office like they were pistols and he was a cowboy, it was actually super cute.
Robert Mueller ran the FBI for twenty years, and stood up to the unconstitutional fucks in the Bush administration and knows his shit and for an extra nut punch to the Candycorn Skidmark, is buds with Jazzy Jim Comey. Basically he's the precise mathematical nightmare scenario of a special prosecutor, if you happen to be a certain over-tanned cheap crook who shall remain nameless. Rod apparently didn't tell the President or his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard about this until he'd already signed the order, and half an hour before he told the world. 118 anonymous sources inform me that the president "Pissed himself, cried, and began sucking his thumb."
We also learned from WaPo that Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy and however many other congressscum were talking about how they thought Putin was paying Trump waaaaaaay back last summer when skies were blue and Presidents didn't haphazardly give state secrets to Russian spies. The real kicker was that when WaPo called these scuzzbags up for comment, they were all indignant and cocky and "What a fake gnus lie, are you serious?" until the reporters said "No there is literally an audio recording of this conversation do you want to change your bullshit story?" and they went "Ummmmmmm...would you believe we were maybe joking around as Ryan and McCarthy are renowned for the humor, dude, Paulie has a tight five on starving single mothers to death," and the world said "No, and also the fact that you'd lie about something so petty means we can cite this story any time you tell us anything for the rest of your lives at THAT, you shits, is motherfucking FUNNY."
Oh, and back when we were young and innocent, remember when Sally Yates told us that she spent the waning days of her Acting Attorney Generalship waving her arms and saying "Hey Fuckheads, that Michael Flynn jag is no damn good and works for foreign powers and has probably broken some not-insignificant laws?"
WELL, a late-breaking NYT scoop reveals that long before AAG/Super Ninja Yates gave the heads up, FUCKING FLYNN HIMSELF TOLD EVERYBODY HE WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR BEING A FOREIGN AGENT AND SHARTBOY FUCKING HIRED HIM AS THE SHEEPFUCKING NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR ANYWAY.
Fuck. Can we impeach him for not being able to understand the entirely predictable consequences of literally anything? He's like Lennie in Of Mice and Men, only instead of crushing small animals to death, it's Democracy.
(As a fun side effect, this story seems to be the first one that snares Mike Pence in a big lie, don't fantasize about changing them Oval Office curtains just yet, you Puritan fuck.)
It also turns out that during the transition, Flynn worked to influence military decision-making in a manner that benefited Turkey, the very nation that WHOA HOW WEIRD happens to be the one that Lil' Mikey was foreign-agenting for (for half a million bucks) without telling anyone. SERENDIPITY I GUESS.
Anyway, the King of the Netherlands revealed that he has also been secretly working a side gig as an airline co-pilot for 21 years.
That's totally fucking true, by the way.
All of this is true. Sleep tight, fellow inmates in this asylum we call...America.
What the ever-loving hell is going on?
Well I wanted to rant a bit, but frankly there just hasn't been that much going on. Oh sure, we laughed at Team Shart sending known adulteress Callista Gingrich to Vatican City as the fucking ambassador, and there were a few more humiliating polls, but all in all, it's been so quiet you'd almost think we lived in normal times.
I mean, there was that one thing where WaPo told us that our President leaked highly classified information to Russian spies in an Oval Office meeting, but other than that, it's been kinda dull.
Betsy DeVos contin- WAIT WHAT? SWEET TITTYFUCKING CHRIST WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS HAPPENING? Please forgive any spelling errors from this point onward, as I'll be typing by pounding my head on the keyboard.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sprinkling meth on my avocado toast.
Yeah. It seems Littlefinger, desperate to impress the Russian spies and their totally unscreened camperspy who had to be giggling his ass off to have been granted access to the oval office, decided to strut about all the badass intelligence he gets, which DUH YOU ARE FUCKING PRESIDENT YOU LUMP OF CRISCO, and he figured they'd be extra impressed if he told them what the intelligence was, because maybe then he could invite them over to play Track and Field on Nintendo and his dad bought him the bigass floormat pad and it's really cool but nobody ever wants to hang out because he's a Big Fat Shart. So he gave them classified American secrets given by an ally earned at tremendous cost. Because of course he did.
The fit hit the shan more or less immediately. The usually rogue's gallery of sycophants stumbled out with the usual laughably unbelievable denials, which were met with deserved skepticism after the Comey firing shitshow last week.
Desperate for cover, they trotted out H.R. McMaster, the last member of the administration with any credibility, who proceeded to place said credibility in the center of room, light it on fire, and then have Russian hookers put the fire out by pissing on it. He bobbed and weaved and denied everything except what the WaPo story actually said, namely that our Idiot Manchild President haphazardly threw classified information at a hostile foreign power simply because He Wanted Them to Love Him Oh God Everyone Knows I'm Shit Why Does No One Love Me Why Did You Send Me To Military School Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, hoping that no one would notice, but unfortunately for H.R. literally every single living person noticed, and also no one will ever trust a single word you say for the rest of your life you sellout piece of trash.
And it got worse. By Tuesday afternoon, we'd learned that The Man Who Is Basically If a Big Mac Had an Id had actually disclosed "Code Word"-level classified information, which is like Double Secret Classification, so seriously major fuckup there. And then it turned out the intel came from an ally that hadn't granted permission to share it with other allies, let alone a Count Chocula cosplayer like Vladimir Putin.
And then it turned out that ally was Israel.
And so basically President Draft-Dodger/Valor Thief endangered the life of a highly-placed Israeli mole within ISIS just because he has a micropenis and spends 98% of his waking hours worrying that everyone around him notices that the bulge in his pants is conspicuously sock-shaped.
And yeah, this means that traditional American allies will be much less likely to share intelligence with us while this blundering nincompoop is in office, HOPE NONE OF US DIE CUZ OF THAT HAW HAW HAW. And yeah, we all read the stories where Israeli intelligence officials were all "Hey, that whole endangering-our-mole-what-do-you-think-this-shit-is-easy thing? MAJOR DICK MOVE."
The President of the United States did this. In what repeated pinch tests tell me is the actual real world.
Meanwhile, the folks over in the Right Wing Lunatic Media Bubba-uhl did their damndest to talk about anything except the Oops I Did It Again/I Fucked Up My Job story. On the fly, they concocted, out of tongue depressors, cotton balls and paste, an insane conspiracy theory about a DNC staffer being murdered because of Wikileaks or some shit, and they were literally talking about Vince Foster in prime time, trying to keep their army of rubes from picking up their phones and finding out what was actually going on in the world.
Doesn't seem to have worked.
As the story blew up, it became impossible to ignore. In an unprecedented rebuke, several Republican senators both hemmed AND hawed. John McCain wrote a Very Stern Letter, which is the opposite of doing Anything That Matters, but he wanted everyone to know that he is CONCERNED. Mitch McConnell bemoaned the DRAMA emanating from the executive because he would very much like to cut some rich dudes' taxes before retreating to his shell for an afternoon's hibernation, thank you very much. Basically they've all settled into a nice, comfortable "Trump can do anything and somehow people aren't rioting in the streets so fuck off" routine, because they are more slug than man now, and are kind of getting used to the idea of being painted as clownishly submissive villains in the history books, because the history books don't put the steak dinners on the table, after all.
In the background, John Cornyn and Gowdy Doody bowed out of consideration for the otherwise-enticing FBI director post, presumably because they don't want to die in jail shackled to Jeff Sessions.
And ok. So you're settling into the whole Russia boondoggle. You're stuffing your melted brain back into your skull through the ear canal, and maybe you're even chuckling at the prospect of SCROTUS giving a speech on Islam over the weekend. "It'll be like Bill Cosby addressing an EMILY's list fundraiser," you tell yourself, a trainwreck of historic proportions. Comedy!
And then you get dat NYT push notification. You pour yourself a pint. (Of vodka.) You strap on your bicycle helmet, and you read the fucker.
Oh no big deal. James Comey has a bunch of memos saying that Orange Julius Caesar asked him, "Hey, lay off the whole investigating-Mike-Flynn shit. Yeah, maybe he's a foreign agent and all that but c'mon, the Bro Code trumps that silly old U.S. Constitution, right?"
And the Holy-Sheepfucking-Crap-the-President-Got-an-Israeli-Intelligence-Agent-Killed Story, which was on the Mount Rushmore of Presidential Malfeasance stories, suddenly looks like a Ziggy comic in the middle of the newspaper, because we now have an OBSTRUCTION OF FUCKING JUSTICE HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF RICHARD NIXON YOU DOORKNOB story.
And the entire republican party disappeared like a wang in a cold pool. Team Shart issued a weak-ass denial, fully understanding that nobody anywhere trusts them to tell the truth about Who Farted let alone anything that matters. And, laughably, Fox News openly lamented, on-air, that they couldn't find anyone to fall on Donnie Darko's limp, tiny, sword.
Darrell Issa gave a reporter the finger. John McCain issued an even HARSHER statement (apologies to anyone who fainted at such risqué talk). And Jason Chaffetz pulled on his subpoenaing pants, laced up his subpoenaing boots, pulled out his subpoenaing pen (an actual pen, not a metaphor for his cock) and subpoenaed all the Shart House's docs on this debacle. Shit got all kinds of real, is what I'm sayin'.
(As a wacky little side note, the same NTY story mentions that SHARTUS also asked Comey to throw the journalists who publish all those embarrassing leaks into some gulag someplace, which at any other point in your lives would be the biggest news story of all time, but today you read it and went "of course he did," didn't you?)
There's more, of course, There's always more insanity nowadays. There was a new Manafort-related subpoena. There was a story about the Shart transition team doin' shady shit with classified information. And Sean Hannity is still pushing the Seth Rich "story," presumably because Mike Pence promised him he could be Viceroy of Montana after the bombs start dropping.
In conclusion, in my professional opinion...shit be cray, people. Shit be cray.
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