TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalSee the Contortionist GOP Defend Their Racist Ringmaster! It's a CIRCUS OF NEWS! (Ferret)
Hey there, Resisters. Just another quiet, Rockwell-esque weekend, as Americans gathered 'round the dinner table to talk about what a racist piece of trash our President is, unless of course they were cowering in the family fallout shelter.
Let's round up the madness, shall we? (As always, links version available at: http://showercapblog.com/see-contortionist-gop-defend-racist-ringmaster-watch-clowns-hilariously-fail-work-phones-circus-news/)
In a world where the news cycle turns over at lightspeed, it seems significant that we're still dealing with the fallout of ShitholeGate.
Donnie Dotard seemed stunned at the negative feedback, having initially boasted to all his wealthy pals about how well his casual, reflexive hatred would play with "the base," who would surely throw parades, and build butter sculptures of him pointing at various countries on a globe, shouting "Shithole!" from little butter speech balloons.
He's like your jackass uncle who shouts slurs at the waitress and gets you kicked out of the restaurant, only the restaurant is the entire global community. And now the entire African Union demands (and deserves) an apology.
So now we're at the point where Congressmen are boycotting the State of the Union, because yes, our President, like Richard Spencer or David Duke, is the sort of white supremacist shitpile that decent human beings simply refuse to share a room with.
Shit, you even made Anderson Cooper cry, you cheap, bloated, bigot.
Now, the GOP, having more or less thrown in the towel on the whole "morality" thing, circled the wagons around the Grand Wizard Grifter. One popular take was that this is just how Real Muricans talk all the time, and that it's just a handful of coastal elitist cucks who actually believe that crap about being "created equal."
Folks. Literal Nazis are celebrating these remarks. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I always figured "real" Americans would want to be on the side without the Nazis. And yet here we are, with an endless stream of prominent conservatives, many serving in our government, minimizing, ignoring, excusing, or even supporting the garbage that has the Daily Stormer crowd tap dancing in their jackboots.
Then there those who said the problem wasn't Drumpf's racism, but the fact that Dick Durbin violated Bro Code by letting America know about it. Rand Paul even went on the Sunday Shoz to whinge about how "unfair" the whole thing is to Government Cheese Goebbels, how it's tough to get immigration legislation done with everybody calling the President racist JUST BECAUSE he's really really really racist.
And despite multiple contradicting eyewitness accounts, Senators Tom Cotton and David Perdue went from "Shithole? Gosh, I don't remember anyone saying shithole!" to "Dick Durbin is a filthy liar and how dare he besmirch the honor of our President, who is pure as a fawn and would surely never say anything so crass!" in twenty-four short hours.
Yeah, it's really tough to believe the Shart's in any way racist. Certainly not when we get stories about him dismissing a career hostage expert as a "pretty Korean lady" who should therefore be negotiating with Kim Jong-un, or the one where he expected the entire Congressional Black Caucus to be best buds with Ben Carson and thought all welfare recipients are black.
Meanwhile, Virgin Hate Zombie Stephen Miller seems have veto power over the bipartisan deal a bunch of Senators worked out last week, yet somehow Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot believes he can get America to blame Democrats for any collapse in DACA talks, because holy hell he is a great big fucking idiot.
(Shit, his racism is so overt and incessant, it's contributing to the non-stop scrotum-stomping he's receiving in the courts. And now the administration has complied with the court order to continue accepting DACA renewals. Tired of winning yet?)
And we can officially add "England" to the list of things our alleged Tuff Guy President is terrified of, along with the White House Correspondents' Dinner, the Kennedy Center, Nobel Laureates, and Interviews with Real Journalists.
Yes, the Hairplug That Ate Decency cancelled his trip to Great Britain, because he is not man enough to face protesters, even super-polite English ones. He made up a magnificently lame and dishonest excuse, trying to blame Obama for something W did, but we know the real reason, Donnie...you're just a wimp.
What's this? Sultan Spraytan paid out a six-figure hush money settlement to a porn star? Remember when we lived in a country where that would've destroyed a politician's career? Fun times.
I dunno, though. 130 grand to have sex with that grotesque, swollen, tick? Seems light to me. Half a million, plus a blindfold, minimum.
Republicans just looooooooove spreading unsubstantiated conspiracy theories about the Clinton Foundation, so I bet they're gonna be super-consistent and get real mad at Eric Trump now, right? Cuz America's Least Favorite Child of the Corn has been taking money from donors and passing it along to family business, all while lying and saying the Drumpf Organization was donating their resources for free!
Oh well, I shouldn't throw stones. Who among us hasn't stolen 150 grand from charity? You sort of wonder if Eric's charity money isn't the very same cash that would up in Stormy Daniels pocket, don't you?
And we learned about Chris Matthews prepping for an interview with Hillary Clinton during the 2016 primaries by making himself a little date rape joke, how fun!
Living through these insane goddamn days, aren'tcha glad that so much of the narrative about the first female presidential candidate got set by creepy old dudes like Matthews and Matt Lauer? Thanks, guys! Without you, maybe we wouldn't know the joys of hearing our Commander-in-Chief talk about how great white supremacists are in the wake of a white supremacist terror attack!
Russian group Fancy Bear is back, and regrettably, they are government-affiliated hackers and not an electropop act touring with Cut Copy. First, they hacked the DNC, and now they're after the U.S. Senate, wheeeee!
It would neat if our federal government would do something radical like, y'know, defend the nation from cyberattacks, but we all Boss Shart doesn't wanna piss off his Kremlin supervisors.
John Feeley was the ambassador to Panama and a long-serving diplomat, but he decided enough was enough, he could no longer work for the Neanderthal Fascist polluting the Oval Office, because, presumably, he has one of those "moral compass" thingies that seem to be in such short supply in Washington these days.
Team Assclown entered the week desperate to prove they're not the blundering fuck-ups depicted in Fire and Fury, even though months of reporting from multiple outlets confirms they're precisely the blundering fuck-ups depicted in Fire and Fury.
Well, damn if their competence wasn't on full display during a major conference call on Iran, when the people in charge of the most powerful war machine in human history demonstrated that they don't know how to work THEIR OWN FUCKING PHONE SYSTEM. I for one feel super secure and safe.
For further adventures in restoring Americans' confidence in their Clown Car on Fire Government, your leaders released what purported to be a declaration of our porcine Prez's flawless health...and misspelled the fucking doctor's name.
Misspelled the doctor's name. Jesus fuck. You sort of imagine Shartboy sending notes down to General Kelly's desk, that read, "Donald cannot come to work today, he is very sick. Sincerely, Donald's Mom."
On this week's episode of The Best People, anti-choice extremist Teresa Manning, who for reasons beyond comprehension had been a high-ranking HHS official, got booted from the building by security after what we're assured was an enthusiastically voluntary resignation.
Don't worry, though! Manning has been replaced by Valerie Huber, a genius-level intellect who imagines you can talk teenagers out of fucking each other. Give this people enough time, and they will surely eliminate the scourge of common sense from our government.
And then, just as you were settling into contemplate a news cycle so thoroughly insane that we'd collectively forgotten the story about the Governor of Missouri taping a naked woman to exercise equipment so he could photograph her nude in order to blackmail her, the whole Hawaii thing happened.
C'mon. Admit it. You're a little surprised we lasted almost a year before the first Nuclear annihilation scare.
So yeah, there was a wee little pinch of human error, and a text message went out saying "Ballistic missile on the way, folks! Did you ever write that novel you were always talkin' about? No? Well, TOO BAD!"
And of course there was panic and terror and despair in the aftermath, and it took 40 minutes to send out a corrective follow-up message, but people were understandably quite shaken. But fear not, your President leaned into his Consoler-in-Chief role by swiftly taking to the airwaves and...just kidding, he golfed all day long. Blue state? He doesn't give a fuck about you.
Wouldja believe we're STILL not done hearing about Roy Moore? It seems the Pedophile For Senate Brigade are still screaming like toddlers that their favorite pervert was unjustly robbed of his destiny, and now they want to put Alabama's other Republican Senator, Richard Shelby, in time out for his controversial "Child Molesters Are Bad" position. This is, I'm told, the real world.
Trey Gowdy, the Inspector Clouseau of the endless/mindless Benghazi investigation, resigned from the House Ethics Committee, likely because somebody finally explained to him what "ethics" are. "Shit, y'all," chuckled Gowdy Doody, "I don't know how ANY Republicans can sit in on those meetings with a straight face," before returning to the taxing work of ignoring the President's Emoluments Clause violations.
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet declared war on one of his friendliest media outlets, the Wall Street Journal, over whether he said "I" or "I'd" in a lengthy interview where he otherwise comes off like a blithering maniac. Both the Shart House and Journal released audio of the interview as proof of their position. Now, I've listened to the damn tape, and I have to conclude, as in all things with Trump...there is simply no D there, or at the very best, it is too small to be discernible.
I see Retreating Senator Jeff Flake is taking a little vacation from Voting For Every Single Thing Trump Wants to give a speech calling him a "Stalinist" on the floor of the Senate tomorrow. I guess we're suppose to say that's all brave and special and shit, but you have to wonder why Flake voted to confirm every single one of the Stalinist's shitty, under-qualified judges and cabinet members.
Oh, and I see General Kelly's moving to hide Sharty McFly's schedule, now that it's leaked out he blocks out most of the day for "Executive Time" marathon teevee and twitter sessions. Cowards.
Anyway, that's all for tonight folks. I'm gonna go have a brew or two with some totally real, made-in-America, all-American, Americans, and I'll bet we get through the whole evening without any hate speech at all.
Shithead President Opens Shithole Mouth, Shits From It. And Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Even by our current Cuckoo's Nest standards, this has been an unusually nutty week, right? My news feed has been like a meth lab full of howler monkeys. This one's gonna take a while, so let's dive right in...(As usual, the post is available, with links, Here: http://showercapblog.com/shithead-president-opens-shithole-mouth-shits-news/)
So, a number of Congressional Republicans, in partnership with their willing media lackeys, have been desperately pushing this narrative where the whole Russia investigation was instigated by the Steele Dossier, which was in turn nothing but a maliciously fictional partisan Mad Lib, concocted by Steele over wine coolers with Huma Abedin, probably while giving Vince Foster's skull a leisurely eye-socket fuck.
Now, this spin has never been anything but desperate comically-fabricated horse poo, but when your base falls for shit like pizzagate, Benghazi, and, well, Donald Fucking Trump, the evidentiary standard is...not high.
Still, Senator Diane Feinstein realized she was sitting on concrete proof that said horse poo was indeed horse poo and not delicious, delicious cake, and so she released the Fusion GPS transcript to the entire world.
And there was, as the poet said, much rejoicing.
The transcripts are full of fun shit like "A whistleblower from Drumpfland went to the FBI and so the Dossier confirmed info they already had," and "Steele stopped talking to the FBI because he thought they were too pro-Trump," but of course the biggest takeaway is that Chuck Grassley and the rest of the GOP are using all of their considerable powers to shield the Grifter-in-Chief from any consequences for his many crimes, and they've been lying to the American people to discredit anyone working to hold him accountable.
...one of the great things about being a Democrat in 2018 is how secure we get to be in knowing we're the good guys. Like, I'm for...free speech, an independent judiciary, and y'know, the rule of law. The other team...isn't. I am really quite confident in the whiteness of my hat.
Boy howdy, there ain't enough left of Steve Bannon to spread on a piece of Melba toast.
Fresh off Stephen Miller tap-dancing all over his scrotum on CNN, Bannon showed up to work at Breitbart, only to find Mamma Mercer changed all the locks. Then he got fired from SiriusXM, too. Most hurtfully, the man who only recently graced the cover of Time Magazine as the power behind the throne even lost his gig as spokesthing for the International Society of Creepy Dudes With Open Facial Sores.
The harder they fall, indeed. Can Bannon sink lower? Maybe tomorrow a hobo will show up at his front door to repossess his liver?
Speaking of the Dregs of Humanity, Disgraced-n'-Pardoned American Concentration Camp Operator Joe Arpaio announced a bid for the open Senate seat in Arizona, because there are some Very Fine People in the Grand Canyon State.
With Roy Moore and now Arpaio, I admit to a sort of morbid curiosity regarding just how low the GOP can go with their candidate recruiting. Richard Spencer? Charley Manson's ghost? Random Jagoff Who Anonymously Spray-Paints Swastikas on Garage Doors in the Middle of the Night?
The Daily Beast tells us that some enterprising young traitor on Il Douche's national security team proposed withdrawing a bunch of American troops from Eastern Europe as kind of a "We're new in town, just trying to be neighborly" gift for Putin. I dunno, rather than capitulating to the historic rival that attacked our democracy...maybe just bring a casserole?
A couple of federal judges struck down the ridiculous congressional district map gerrymandered by the utterly-terrified-to-face-their-voters-in-a-fair-fight North Carolina Republican Party.
It's good we're stopping this when we are; the next step the NC GOP was likely to try would have involved amorphous, perpetually-shifting gerrymanders that tracked African-American voters via GPS and re-shaped minute by minute. Districts that follow Democrats into the goddamn grocery store and back.
Oh, and the chairman of the NC GOP seems to think it only counts as gerrymandering...if the district's outline looks like...hang on, it's embarrassing to actually type this...if it looks like a monster. Like, it's not a gerrymander if it doesn't make a scary dinosaur noise. You probably think I'm making that up. Nope.
Ryan Zinke gave his buddy Rick Scott a note that says "Ricky does not have to allow offshore drilling in the coastal waters off his state, because he's a rich Republican we want to run for the Senate, and the new rules are only for dumb ol' blue states anyway." Pretty much every other governor is seeking a similar waiver, so we'll see what standards Cowboy Z pulls out of his ass.
Stinging from the publication of a book that depicts him as a blundering, know-nothing man-baby, Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops decided to televise an immigration meeting to show off his fourth-grade speaking level. As is his habit, he agreed with anything anyone else said, at one point endorsing the Democrats' preferred solution.
Still, the usual suspects in the media praised him for getting through an hour-long meeting without pelting any legislators with wads of fresh shit, such are the microscopic standards for Presidential competence nowadays.
My personal favorite manifestation of Littlefinger's crippling insecurity is the way he'll invent fake declarations of extravagant praise. "People said it was the best speech they've ever heard. Abraham Lincoln rose from the grave, and said my speech was so good that he would shove the original Gettysburg Address up his ass in shame, because it sucked so hard next to my speech."
Does he imagine anyone believes him when he says shit like "Oh yeah, a bunch of news anchors sent me letters saying I ran the greatest meeting in human history. Beautiful, handwritten letters, on scented stationary, and also gift baskets full of summer sausages and exotic spreadable cheeses. Wolf Blitzer actually gave me the Valentine's chocolates he bought for his wife, and a slinky negligee that he said I would look much better in."
Darrell Issa tragically robbed his district of the pleasure of booting his sorry plutocrat ass to the curb this November, joining the You Can't Fire Me, I Quit club like so many of his Republican colleagues. But rumors suggest Darrell may simply be seeking a safer district to run from, which is kind of magnificently pathetic.
As one of the wealthiest jags in Congress, Issa plans to spend his newly-won tax windfall constructing a replica of his old House Oversight Committee room on his front lawn, from which he shall while away his golden years, interrogating the neighborhood children for lacking the proper permits for their lemonade stands.
Ben Cardin, having raised his hand patiently for months from the back row of the Senate, finally stood up to remind everyone how that Putin boy from across the Atlantic gave American democracy a big ol' wedgie, and how President Shartcannon hasn't even picked it out of the country's ass yet, let alone taken any measures to prevent the inevitable future wedgie attempts.
Oh, and in his most populist act to date, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting announced he'll be attending the Davos Globalist Cuck Shuffleboard Tournament and Swap Meet in a couple weeks. He's even letting Steve Mnuchin and Wilbur Ross tag along, for extra populism, I guess. Henry F. Potter wasn't available?
In a joint press conference with the Prime Minister of Norway, the Dwarf-Dicked Dotard boasted about all the F-52 fighter planes he'd delivered to our fjord-rich allies. Now, that the F-52 exists only in Call of Duty video games is, I assure you, an insignificant detail. The President went on to vow to rid our allies in the Mushroom Kingdom of Goombas and Koopa Troopas, ranting at length about "Bitchy Bowser."
Oh, and the President of the United States of America wants to take another look at that whole "free speech" thing. It's gettin' out of control, you see. Did you know people are even allowed to criticize the President?
And while nothing will come of his petulant blathering about "libel laws," let's just appreciate for a moment how casually this swollen nitwit proposes limiting one of our great constitutional freedoms, just because one dude wrote some shit he didn't like.
Oh, and when a federal judge ordered the Shart Administration to continue processing DACA renewal applications, Velveeta Himmler fell back on his old habit of assaulting the American court system, which he calls "broken and unfair" because it didn't give him what he wanted.
See, this is why we're about to administer a historic electoral drubbing to the Republican Party. Is it really so much to ask you fucks to stand up for our rights? For the checks and balances that guarantee our freedom? For our Constitution?
I guess it is, because I didn't hear a single Republican CongressThing push back on any of these assaults. Oh well. November's coming, motherfuckers. Tick tock.
Team Shart granted Deutsche Bank a waiver from punishment over their past criminal acts, and all DB had to do was loan the President tens of millions of dollars when nobody else would touch him after his long, documented, history of fiscal failures! Maybe the Trump Administration isn't working out for workin' folks, but for bankers at the highest levels of high finance, things're goin' just fine, thank you very much!
The Stock Market absorbed a taint punt as word leaked that the Canadians believe Trump will pull the United States out of NAFTA, because, as the past year has demonstrated, the Shart of the Deal isn't capable of actually making deals of any kind.
Robert Mueller added Ryan K. Dickey, an experienced cyber-crimes prosecutor, to his crack team of mutant ninja lawyers, which already includes experts in fraud, corruption, money-laundering, demolitions, safecracking, and that one guy who's really good with knives, I think his name was James Coburn or something.
Anyhow, Donnie Two-Scoops can't even imagine why mean ol' Bob Mueller would want to talk to him, what with the whole Russia thing being being a hoax and all. Maybe Bob just wants golf tips. CNN says the President's allies are screaming "FUCK NO, DON'T TALK TO MUELLER! Are you INSANE? You can't order McDonald's without committing perjury, you dumb fuck!"
Golly, Pete Hoekstra got his ass good n' righteously spanked by the Dutch media, didn't he? We need to get some of those Dutch reporters over here, Sarah Huckabee Sanders'd just lock herself in her office.
USAToday reports that Tangerine Idi Amin sold millions of dollars worth of real estate during his first year in office, mostly to buyers using secretive limited liability companies, which masks their names from the public. So yeah, folks bribing the President of the United States for lord knows what reason, and we aren't even allowed to find out who. That's NEAT, isn't it?
Carrier laid off a couple hundred more workers because their jobs have been shipped to Mexico, but DON'T WORRY, as per the agreement worked out by Trump and Pence, they'll still be receiving their $700,000 corporate welfare check from the government! Truly, now that we're giving taxpayer money to corporations that outsource manufacturing jobs, AMERICA IS FINALLY GREAT AGAIN.
Oh, and the Shart Administration decided states should be allowed to impose work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so when your boss takes his tax cut and then moves your job someplace where they pay wages in saltines anyway, that means you don't deserve to be alive, you filthy taker! And if you get sick or hurt while looking for a job? Sorry, Cuck! Health care is for closers!
Some conflict on the House Intelligence Committee, as Ranking Democrat Adam Schiff wants to call "dozens more" witnesses while Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes would rather stick his fingers in his ears and go "LALALALALALA" until the whole Russia thing blows over.
Kellyanne Conway got all fake mad that the dirty librul news media thinks her boss keeps talking about Hillary Clinton, because he doesn't talk about Hillary Clinton, and then he started tweeting about Hillary Clinton. Kellyanne is even shitty at gaslighting.
Further demonstrating his policy chops, Fat Q*Bert rage-tweeted a total reversal of his administration's FISA renewal policy, because of something he saw on the television machine. Everybody scrambled to remind him what he "really" thinks, of course, but what happens when the shitbags on Fux n' Frenz take a bunch of mushrooms and do a segment on how the President should murder all the firstborn children in the land?
Rising GOP Star/Missouri governor Eric Greitens burst onto the national stage in spectacular fashion late Wednesday night! Did he announce a bold new policy to benefit his constituents? Break through partisan gridlock, revealing himself to be the leader America needs? Figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Nah, he just got caught in an extramarital affair. Oh, and accused of taping his mistress to some pull-up rings so he could photograph her naked in order to blackmail her into silence. Oh, and he also maybe hit her.
Anyway, congrats, Eric! I didn't even know Missouri HAD a governor when I woke up yesterday! Now you're FAMOUS!
WaPo dropped a humiliating little profile of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, who is apparently racisting as hard as his little elfin legs will let him, and even unethically opening investigations into his boss' political opponents, but he just can't get no respect! Poor Jefferson! Eat a bag of dicks, you'll feel better!
Oh, an Putin congratulated Kim Jong-un for being "shrewd and mature" and totally owning the US in the game of nuclear brinksmanship we're all trapped in. Of course, Smallhands Magoo, who rarely lets criticism pass with "counter-punching," simply absorbed this kick in the pants from Uncle Vlad, perhaps even offering a "thank you sir, may I have another," because you just can't yell at your boss, right?
Meanwhile, Fire and Fury is a bestseller, probably because Shartboy and his team can't stop promoting it. Seriously, folks. This dipshit, who doesn't understand that drawing attention to this book only means more people will read it, thinks he can renegotiate trade agreements and treaties.
You know, some people would say our President is racist. Well, would a racist fuck up an immigration meeting by calling Haiti and the ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AFRICA "shithole countries?"
...oh yeah, that's exactly what a racist would do. Anyhow, the Candycorn Skidmark suggested we take more immigrants from places like Norway instead. Now, help me out, how are Norwegians different from Africans or Haitians? HMMMMMM...are they taller? I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON WHERE THE DIFFERENCE LIES, KIDS! IT'S A GODDAMN MYSTERY TO ME.
Anyhow, a bipartisan group of Senators had worked out a compromise on immigration that would've protected DREAMers, before they ran into the Shithole Conundrum. Before that, they were already worried White Supremacist Dork Stephen Miller would fuck everything up. I guess there's a bigger obstacle.
ShitholeGate took over the news this evening, eclipsing the even-more-worrisome tidbit from an interview with the Wall Street Journal where Boss Shart casually mentioned that the private texts of a couple of FBI agents criticizing him were basically treason.
Got that? Insufficient fealty is TREASONOUS now. Jesus fuck.
Holy hell, that was one heapin' helpin' of bat shit, wasn't it? I can't leave y'all like this. Let me give you some GOOD news. How about the latest generic congressional polling? Democrats at PLUS SEVENTEEN? Mmmmmmmm...that's SEXY.
Ok. Be good everybody, Cap's gonna go grab a much-needed beer now.
Will the "Stable Genius" Appreciate the "Privilege" of Mueller Time?
Hey everybody! How're you enjoying 2018 so far? The national debate about whether or not the President of the United States is an unhinged man-child who could plunge the planet into nuclear war over a twitter insult sure is fun and relaxing, isn't it? It's like living in a Jimmy Buffet song!
(As always, click here for the full post with links: http://showercapblog.com/1744-2/)
I assume everyone woke up on Saturday morning the same way I did; with a push notification on your phone from every single news organization on Earth about the "stable genius" tweet?
Everybody, right? BBC. CNN. NYT. WaPo. Probably Cigar Aficionado and Catster (Formerly Cat Fancy!) You rolled over, picked up your phone, and it was like you'd wandered over to Jack Nicholson's typewriter, and you found a stack of pages that said ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A STABLE GENIUS over and over again.
It doesn't seem that newsworthy, right? I mean, he's an insecure old man who's always rattling on about how great he is, that's kind of his thing, I thought we were used to him by now?
But yeah..."very stable genius," it's...ok, you're right, it sounds like something you'd find 2/3 of the way through a Harvey Dent monologue with Robin dangling from a rope above a vat that's half acid/half chocolate milk.
Anyway. Government Cheese Goebbels has asked the American people to fork over 18 billion dollars for the Big Stupid Wall we don't want, and which we were assured Mexico would pay for.
It's almost kinda cute that he's asking. Like, Bro...either get it from the rich jags whose taxes you just cut, or set up a Hatreon. We don't want the fuckin' thing.
With the MeToo movement sweeping the nation, ending the careers of right-thinking Republican CongressPervs for relatively harmless acts like asking members of their staff to fuck them for money, you might be wondering how a skeeze like Scott DesJarlais hangs on. Scott, you'll recall, is the former medical doctor who likes to tell American women how sinful abortion is, unless it's for the mistress/patient you're fucking behind your wife's back, which is some sort of moral/ethical triple axel.
Anyway, Scott says don't worry, God's forgiven him for everything, including that Milky Way he shoplifted in middle school, so there's absolutely nothing more to talk about. I bet Louis CK wishes he had one of those GOD SAID I GET OUT OF JAIL FREE, PROMISE! cards, right?
On the Good Gnus front, Ruth Bader Ginsburg hired a bunch of new clerks, to show everybody she's not going anywhere any time soon. To drive the point home, she bench-pressed Clarence Thomas half a dozen times before launching him through Mitch McConnell's office door, yelling, "Don't get your hopes up, Nerd," before striding back to her office, dragging a SCOTUS beat reporter from each leg, JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN.
Steve Bannon oozed from his current residence (the central dumping facility of Washington's largest portable toilet corporation) just long enough to issue a groveling statement not entirely unlike an apology. "I never meant your son was a traitor, Master!" wheezed the fallen, pus-encrusted, would-be Svengali, "Let Smeagol come home!"
Bannon's Ritual Excommunication/Crotch-Stomping even saw the Uncanny Valley's Resident Klansman, Stephen Miller dispatched to add to the pile-on on CNN. Some think such a prominent network shouldn't give a white supremacist dork like Miller a platform. Me, I get a huge kick out of it.
I mean, how does any organization arrive at the point where they decide "Clearly, the best option before us is to dispense this Twitchy Grievance Golem to defend our point of view on television. Surely America will look into those lifeless, almost-but-not-quite-human eyes, and see...a comforting friend. I'm sure once our time in the White House is done, Stephen's next calling will be as a beloved sitcom dad."
Anyway, he shit on his old buddy Bannon for a bit, and then commenced to dodging Jake Tapper's questions, preferring instead to discuss his boss's various magnificences, how his back hair cures rickets and so on, but Diet Rambo wasn't havin' that shit, and said "that's enough ass-kissing, creep, you're cut off," and it was hilarious.
And then Miller refused to leave, demanding that CNN give him air time and a chorus of back-up dancers as he sang a touching ballad called Donald Trump Never Makes White People Pick Up Their Own Trash until he was dragged away by security.
We got a look at the Marmalade Shartcannon's schedule, and to the surprise of very few, he has seemingly managed to avoid actually working almost entirely. Vast swaths of the day are blocked out as "executive time," where he gets to lock himself in the bedroom, watching teevee, gorging on cheeseburgers and Bugles, dismembering the paper dolls he names after insufficiently subservient media figures.
And somehow Fuckhead STILL can't get his precious little Fake Gnus Awards in on time! It's like he's a kid, he's on summer vacation, and he still wants Mom to build the pillow fort for him.
More free time than your average house cat, and the Stable Genius still can't stop himself from tweeting out garbage about his "enormously consensual Presidency."
Lord. You saw that, and you went, "Of COURSE he doesn't know what the fucking word means. Four syllables? It's like asking a hamster to perform open-heart surgery."
...our standards for the occupant of the Oval Office have slipped a bit since Obama, is all I'm saying.
Jared Kushner is under fire for revelations that he's benefiting from financial ties to Israeli businesses, even as he heads up Drumpf Administration Mid-East Peace efforts. Critics say these financial conflicts of interest could hinder his ability to handle the delicate negotiations.
Shower Cap says Jar-Jar's crippling lack of intelligence is probably the larger obstacle. Seriously, folks...if this kid hadn't been born rich, he would've suffocated to death trying to take his winter coat off some time in second grade. This is not a bright lad.
So, Oprah gave a wonderful, inspiring, speech on the Golden Globes last night, and now I guess we have to talk about her maybe running for President? Folks. No.
I'd like to think we can do better with the most prosperous nation in human history than passing it back and forth between whatever television hosts happen to develop delusions of grandeur. But just in case I'm wrong, maybe somebody should volunteer to help Carson Daly bone up on monetary policy.
Today in Senseless White Nationalist Cruelty, the Shart Administration announced that nearly 200,000 refugees from El Salvador, who have been living and working, peacefully and productively, in this country for over a decade now will be kicked out so the Very Fine People have more space to drive their cars into crowds and whatnot.
And if this decision wrecks a few families, damages a few communities, and removes thousands of productive, taxpaying, workers from the economy, well, at least it...it...nope. No discernible benefits whatsoever. Hurting thousands and thousands of human beings just to throw a little candy at the Richard Spencer crowd.
(Speaking of Spencer, looks like another one of his shitty little hateweasels got outed and fired. Good.)
So now, Natalia Veselnitskaya, of the famous Don Junior Treason Meeting, is telling people "Oh, I suppose I maybe sorta accidentally ran into Ivanka on the way out of Trump Tower, but we just talked about nail polish and Justin Bieber, promise!" Anyway, it's fallen under Mueller's watchful eye, so enjoy your investigation, Princess!
And we learned that Rugged Robert is also closing in on an interview with the Rectal Boil himself, and his lawyers are sweating buckets at the prospect. Trying to negotiate favorable terms for such an obviously guilty client can't be easy; word is they're asking for a written questionnaire rather than a face-to-face interrogation, and also would you be willing to accept the answers in finger paint and also by finger paint we mean McDonald's ketchup?
Jay Sekulow is also pushing hard for a 20-minute statute of limitations on any perjury charges.
For Mueller's part, his team has asked only for the mandatory breath-minting of the President at regular intervals throughout the interview.
K.T. McFarland's nomination for Ambassador to Singapore was re-submitted, I guess because somebody in the White House really wants a televised hearing where she answers questions about lying under oath about Mike Flynn and Russia. Hey, if these clowns wanna run face first into a concert wall, I won't stand in their way.
Ed Royce joined the stampede of GOP CongressJags racing for the exits like somebody shouted "Fire!" in a crowded cotillion. And the House just got that much easier to take back. This shit is so sexy I half expect Playboy to replace their traditional centerfolds with these creeps' resignation announcements. I'd keep THAT under my mattress.
Meanwhile, Rick Perry's ingenious plan to force the American taxpayer to give a bunch of money to coal plants as a consolation prize for getting smacked down in the open market hit a wall that even his Smart Guy Glasses couldn't knock down.
That was seriously the plan, by the way. Drumpf promised to bring coal back, but he can't, so the idea was just to Find a Big Box Full of Taxpayer Money, and Just Fucking Hand it to Some Coal Plants in Exchange For Nothing.
James Damore is apparently suing Google for firing him, I guess cuz in doing so they discriminated against Douchey White Boys Who Circulate Memos Claiming Their Female Colleagues Are Genetically Inferior. Yes, it's the great civil rights issue of our time. I'm sure Spielberg's bidding for the film rights.
Damore should hook up with that girl who tried suing that college for not taking her just because she was An Oppressed White Girl But Also Her Grades Were Shit, remember that? They can have whiny, mediocre, children together, and file nuisance lawsuits as a family. They'll be the Shitty Waltons. (This fall on Fox!)
Oh hey, I've got some SHOCKING BREAKING NEWS for you: it turns out that there's this Republican in Kansas...and he's RACIST! I KNOW, RIGHT? Hope you were close to a fainting couch.
And a Shart House spokesman announced the President's upcoming physical exam will not include a psychiatric evaluation because, "We may be dumb, but we ain't stupid, y'know?"
Oh, and Dorito Mussolini gave a little speech speech to the American Farm Bureau Federation today. He got...unusually swept up in the self-praise, eventually remarking on how "lucky" the farmers of America were that he bestowed the "privilege" of voting for him upon them.
Yeah, that's...a normal, healthy thing for a human being to say. Absolutely nooooooooo weird, out-of-control God complex here. Just a boy. Standing in front of some farmers. Telling them what a PRIVILEGE he has bestowed upon them. On the same day, his spokesjags tried to guilt the nation into appreciating the awesome sacrifices Javanka make, giving up the fruits of their fabulous wealth to serve all us ungrateful peons.
We must SHOW APPRECIATION the Royal Family, you see. The sacrifice of the odd goat here and there should suffice. They are so noble, after all, for deigning to serve us. Even if they maybe don't actually know the words to that national anthem they're always going on about.
Yup. Just another day in Margaritaville. Speaking only for myself, I look forward with great anticipation towards the PRIVILEGE of voting this November (in the GODDAMN MIDTERMS) for a fresh, new, Democrat-run House of Representatives, to finally conduct some much-needed oversight of this family of cheap crooks.
Carthage Day for Steve Bannon, and Other Madness (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey folks, Shower Cap got hit with the flu, so I've spent most of the time since our last update giving offerings to the Porcelain God. Anyway, it's only been a couple of days, I couldn't have missed much, right?
...never mind.
Ok, folks. Strap on your hazmat suit, we've got some sewage to wade through.
(And yes, as always, the links version is available on my lil' blog site, found here: http://showercapblog.com/carthage-day-steve-bannon-madness/)
It's always tough getting the kids to go back to school after winter break, and President Shartcannon is no exception. Fussy at having to work again, he tweeted the world perilously close to nuclear war, because his father never loved him and he's not-so-secretly ashamed of every aspect of himself.
...especially his tiny, decayed, sputtering, wang.
Yes, he and Kim Jong-un squabbled over the length and girth of their nuclear buttons, as the world looked on, half horrified that the fate of all life on the planet rests in the hands of two cartoonishly spoiled adult toddlers, half darkly chuckling that perhaps this is what humanity deserves after all. Shit, if we've kept the Big Bang Theory on the air for more than a decade, let the missiles fly, says I.
There were other Tweets, of course. The Sunny D-Bag took credit for air safety, because he never met a positive headline he wasn't happy to attribute to his own ill-defined powers. (I'm sure he'll ask to be personally thanked when the McRib comes back.) He promised to give out awards for the Fakest Gnus (the Sharties?) on Monday night. But I suppose the one the threatening preemptive nuclear holocaust was probably the most newsworthy.
Oh, there was one amusing little bit of self-delusion, where the Velveeta Urinal Cake posited that Hispanic voters would somehow flock in droves to the man who unilaterally ended DACA, because...well, because He Said So in a Tweet. It's amazing, in a way, that a man who never learned how to tie a necktie to an appropriate length should have such confidence in his own judgment.
Anyhoo. Everyone wish Orrin Hatch well; he's announced his retirement from the institution whose standards he's been lowering for longer than I've been alive; the United States Senate. Orrin wants to spend more time with the colonies of increasingly-sentient bacteria that live in the folds of his jowls.
Word on the mean streets of Salt Lake City is, this clears the way for one Willard Romney to claim the seat. A few folks hopefully imagine he'll be some sort of heroic figure, defiantly speaking truth to power, a rock for the Never Trump GOP to build their resurgent party upon!
I think the rest of us understand he'll be what he's always been. A haircut. Perpetually moving in whichever direction he perceives the wind to be blowing, and being wrong as often as not.
Senator Haircut. You heard it here first.
But hey, we may have Michele Bachmann to kick around again! Yes, the Madwoman of St. Cloud has her wide, jittery, eyes set on Al Franken's Senate seat. Me, I think she's just lookin' for a new grift, since her Meth-Infused Communion Wafer business never really took off.*
Doug Jones and Tina Smith were sworn in as Senators, reducing the GOP majority to 51-49, and giving the Senate a record 22 female members. The obvious highlight would be the taunting laser death stare of Jones' gay son, Carson directed towards Mike Pence, who was wearing three extra layers of ceremonial undergarments, fearing gay contamination. (Contamigaytion?)
Anyway, sources tell me Doug Jones' Gay Son will be recording a freak-folk record with Roy Moore's Jewish Lawyer, and they'll be opening for Fleet Foxes this summer.
One of the most hotly divisive debates of the day is, of course, "Which Drumpf offspring is dumber, Junior or Eric?" For a long while, Junior's bumbling treason attempts seemed to give him an insurmountable lead, but Eric surged from outta nowhere with an almost inconceivably-brain-dead rant about the "deep state" suggesting he follow Ellen Degeneres on Twitter.
Acting ICE director/Neckless Himmler Clone Thomas Homan posited that politicians in sanctuary cities should be prosecuted for "crimes" of some sort, and isn't it always uplifting and fun to hear such a high-ranking law-enforcement official casually flinging around the idea of imprisoning political opponents for..."reasons?"
I tell ya, folks...when we get our government back, the first thing we need to do is clean out ICE from top to bottom like Augean Stables. Shit's gettin' a wee bit too fascist over there.
The folks at Fusion GPS published a feisty little editorial in the Failing New York Times calling out Boss Shart's craven congressional enablers for their bullshit spin about the FBI basing their entire Russia investigation on Christopher Steele's famous (piss) dossier. They challenged Congress to release the transcripts of their testimony, but I don't see the GOP willingly consenting to the extra humiliation, do you?
Senator Dianne Feinstein says she wants to talk to Drumpf Social Media Dude Dan Scavino, as she's recently received new information regarding his possible contacts with th'Russians during the campaign. This will inevitably raise questions like "What kind of shithead makes his fucking GOLF CADDY a major communications figure on a Presidential campaign?"
Well Michael Wolff has a new book coming out, and it's so hawt it may as well be called Harry Potter and the Gaggle of Assclowns.
I guess Team Shart gave this Wolff fella, a dude with a known history of completely eviscerating his book subjects (See Murdoch, Rupert) free reign to just...hang out in the White House for a year, to watch them stumble around, ripping into each other, like laboratory mice testing out the rage virus from 28 Days Later.
There's some charming stuff about the President's hobbies (trying to fuck his "friends'" wives), and how he never wanted the dumb old job in the first place. But mostly it details the group of amoral goons, swarming around like flies on a pile of shit, just trying to grab whatever they could before the whole thing blows up in everyone's faces.
So, a reckless man-child manipulated by malicious, power-warped, fuckheads. I suppose we should be grateful no world wars have broken out.
Oh, and there was a some stuff about Steve Bannon in it, I think. Is that right?
Oh right. He referred to Shartboy, Jr as "treasonous," and rambled a bit about all the money-laundering that would eventually bring the whole House of Crackers (coming this fall to Netflix) crashing down.
And since then Bannon has been...Jesus, I've never seen anything like this. Defenestrated. Then thrown directly under The Bus, which in this case is some sort of Fury Road apocalyptic demon bus with spiky tires, which then dragged Bannon to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, which was then drained, so that the earth could be salted, all while Mitch McConnell grinned his little turtle ass off.
Littlefinger said his old Chief Strategist had "lost his mind." Mamma Mercer cut off Steve-O's allowance (even, hilariously, for his security detail). Everyone he's ever endorsed is running away from him as though he had the plague. (Er, a different plague than whatever it is that makes him look like a BEN-HUR leper, that is.) Shit, even the Breitbart board is looking at firing his coated-with-an-eerily-viscous-substance ass.
All I'm saying is, when you see that oozy man sitting by the side of the freeway, wearing 11 shirts, holding a sign that says "Will scream 'cuck' at libtards for food," take a moment out of your day...and pee on him.
Reached for comment, Bannon would only emit a terrible, high-pitched yelp, an unholy sound tinged with an evil so ancient it hadn't been heard on this Earth since the Old Gods were young, shattering not only glass, but ceramic tile, LCD screens, and in one instance a marble sculpture of the Virgin Mary. The reporter on the call, it need hardly be said, has gone...quite mad.
Oh well. At least the shitstorm allowed our ol' pal The Mooch to squeeze one more brushful out of the toothpaste tube of his notoriety.
Anyway, it looks like America's Two Bloated Racist Goon Dads have finally split up. Donnie sent Steve a cease and desist letter. Bannon threatened to sue for defamation. They'll be battling for custody of Stephen Miller's forehead in court for the foreseeable future.
Oh, and the Poo Mistake had his lawyers send one of his trademarked Empty Threat letters to the publisher, who responded by pushing the publishing date up to...tomorrow. CUCKED BY A BOOK!
Meanwhile, Trapped Rat Paul Manafort figured he may as well try suing Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, Bashful Bob Mueller, and the whole dang DoJ, on the novel "Just because I laundered a bunch of money doesn't mean you can indict me for money-laundering, it's out of your jurisdiction!" grounds, a move likely aimed more at frothing up the Benghazi/Pizzagate crowd than actually succeeding in court, because that is just how we do things now.
Poor KKKris KKKobach! He thought he'd finally found his Manic Pixie Dream Despot, the vehicle by which he could finally bleach the electorate back to the 19th century! But alas, his Kooky Kulling Kommission, drowning in lawsuit and humiliating headlines, with almost every state-level election official telling him where he could stick his unconstitutional voter requests, was disbanded by executive order.
KKKobach will return in shame to Kansas, to run for governor, and to half-heartedly file voter fraud cases against mostly confused old white people, perhaps burning the odd cross on the occasional lawn, looking to stir up feelings of the glory days that almost were, like some sort of shitty white supremacist Springsteen.
Apparently worried that they're just too dang popular, the Shart Administration decided to come down squarely on the opposite side of public opinion of a couple of high-profile issues: the off-shore drilling and the REEFER MADNESS.
Ol' Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III never met an excuse to throw young minorities into prison that he didn't like, so he decided to strut and squawk about going after marijuana users in states where recreational, or even medical pot is legal.
Now, Sessions has long been a champion of states' rights, so what gives? "Oh naw, y'all don' understand," cooed the Attorney General, "States' rights jus' means laws about who's allowed to own who else, or who gets to drink at which water fountains and what have you."
Oh, and the offshore drilling? Sharty McFly wants it EVERYWHERE. Tourism-based economy reliant on beachgoers? How'd you like a few unsightly, smog-belching rigs? Environmental concerns? What's a lil' ol' oil spill now and then so long as a few billionaires get richer?
Noted Child Molester Roy Moore still hasn't conceded the Alabama Senate race, but he did pick up a little consolation prize: a defamation lawsuit! See, Roy figured he'd be fine if he just smeared his past victims as liars. They're only women-folk after all! Well, Leigh Corfman ain't havin' that shit. Have a blast in court, jackass.
And what's this? A late-breaking story sez the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee ordered Don McGahn to talk Jeff Sessions out of recusing himself from the Russia investigation? Oooooooweeeeee. It's beginning to look a lot like OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE!
Shit, the President's lawyers were even apparently lying to him about his authority to fire Comey. Drumpf himself seems to be the last person to realize what an epic self-own that was. Oh well. Enjoy your impeachment.
Alright, my friends. I may've missed some stuff today. The cold medicine makes me loopy. I may've hallucinated half of this. Wouldn't that be nice?
*That's what you get for going into business with Curt Schilling.
New Year's Insanity Round-Up: Somebody Tell Rubio He's a Senator, Plus Get Ready to VOTE!
Well, we finally dragged 2017, raving, syphilitic, and oozing pus, out behind the shed and gave it two right between the eyes. Suck it, Old Yeller. And Baby 2018, perhaps still blissfully unaware of what's in store for it, gurgles, smiles, and shits its pants.
Let's dig through that diaper, Resisters...for therein shall we find the stinky horror we call...the news. (And as is custom, the post'll make more sense on my site, with links. Dig it here: http://showercapblog.com/new-years-insanity-round-somebody-tell-rubio-hes-senator-plus-get-ready-vote-goddamn-midterms/)
The Failing New York Times reports that young George Papaderpaderp apparently slipped free of his chaperone one night, got fucked up on Zima, and blabbed to a high-ranking Australian diplomat about how his mail-order Russian girlfriend was offering to wear a sexy negligee made of Hillary Clinton's e-mails for him, and then the Aussies called up the FBI once Russian-hacked e-mails started leaking to the media, and said "You should totally arrest that one pimply coffee boy, he is a traitor and also so very very dumb."
Now the droolier maniacs in the right wing media have been curiously attached to the theory that the Steele Dossier is a product of some liberal arts college's writer's workshop, and that Christopher Steele threw in the bit with the piss hookers to sell screenplay rights, but this story (and others, frankly) drives a fuck-ton of nails into that particular coffin.
And of course, no explanation for the investigation's origin can wash away the reality of the four indicted men, especially not the two have confessed. To felonies. Still, I anticipate Hannity and co. will accept this new information and behave accordingly, and honorably.
Also, I have a small quantity of magic beans for sale.
Our old pal (Ex) Sheriff Dave found time for one last spittle-drenched meltdown before the calendar flipped over. Y'see, CNN reported that the FBI obtained a search warrant to go through Crackerjack Prize Mussolini's e-mail during an investigation into his petty bullying of a private citizen who committed the high crime of shaking his head at the wannabe concentration camp commandant who would shortly quit his Sheriff's job in shame.
Why is Clarke so pissed about this? Well, it means the FBI probably has his porn history now; a tragic, failed, decades-long search for some man, ANY man, anywhere, with a smaller wee-wee than himself.
Anyway, the Bedazzled Bobby threw a mighty tantrum on the Twitter machine, threatened to tie all us libtards up to die in his jail like a baby. It was all quite pathetic and laughable, but I'm sure Dave-O treated himself to a shiny new piece of costume jewelry, perhaps even a decoder ring.
Government Cheese Goebbels fired the last members of an HIV/AIDS advisory panel, likely as part of Stephen Miller's Hail Mary to save Team Drumpf from the coming electoral shellacking by impeding voter turnout via killing off as many Americans as possible.
And Marshmallow-Spined Pretty Boy Marco Rubio casually opined that the sham tax reform bill he voted for prolly went a wee bit overboard in handing everybody's money to his corporate masters.
Your hindsight is precisely as useful as the rest of your life in public service, Senator. Maybe next time your epiphany could come in time to INFLUENCE THE FUCKING LEGISLATION. Which is, y'know...kinda your entire fucking job.
If Marco decided to pursue a post-Senate career as a doorstop, it would be the most useful work he's done in his entire life.
A lil' while back, Shart Garfunkel threw a little fit about China circumventing sanctions to give North Korea oil. Typical Littlefinger, some empty threats, some posturing for the benefit of the rubes who mistake screaming for strength. (Call it the Sheriff Dave Playbook.)
Well, then Russia got caught giving fuel to North Korea via at-sea transfers, or, y'know, doing that exact thing he accused the Chinese of, and he was...totally silent.
One of the fun things about the Putin/Trump relationship is how Vlad periodically just bitch-slaps our President in public to remind everyone who's boss. I just want a President who isn't quite so much of a fucking CUCK, y'know?
Senator (Mean) Jeanne Shaheen apparently got banned from Russia for being tough on Russia, and she was all, "Oh no, now I will have to buy cheap imitation borscht from the corner store and also figure out where to put this enormous political gift you dumbasses gave me, because I look like a Goddamn American Hero now and all I did was try to board a flight."
Senators Ron Johnson and John Barrasso also cancelled their trips, allegedly in solidarity with Shaheen, but also because Johnson forgot which way the door to the Senate restroom opened, and missed his cab.
Resisters, I've seen y'all turn up again and again this year, for cause after cause after cause. For women. For health care. For science. For Virginia. For Doug Jones in Alabama.
Well, your country needs you again.
You see, indicted Drumpf campaign official/Manafort associate Rick Gates wanted to go to a New Year's Eve party, but the mean ol' Mueller investigation wouldn't let him, JUST CUZ HE'S UNDER HOUSE ARREST. This is NOT the America I grew up in! Who, I ask you, WHO WILL THINK OF THE INDICTED MONEY LAUNDERERS?
As a side note, I have to look up this dude's name every time he comes up in the news. It'd make it easier on everyone if he just legally changed his name to "Manafort Associate," dont'cha think?
Didja see where Cowboy Ryan Zinke used Wildfire Preparedness funds to pay for one of his little helicopter adventures? Thank heaven we didn't need any of that money to combat actual wildfires, right?
...wait.
Seems some rich folks down in Palm Beach are all pissy because Il Douche got a helicopter landing pad built down at his chintzy golf club that he's only allowed to use for Official Presidentshul Bizness, but Shart Organization 'copters are landing there for god knows what reason, perhaps thwarted Melania escape attempts.
Anyway, it is apparently super-distressing for the crustless triangle sandwich crowd, and they are complaining! Welcome to the Resistance, Spoiled Rich Folks! Vive la Golf Club Etiquette!
We've got some massive upheaval in Iran, I see. And the Living Garbage Pail Kid hoots and hollers about the human right to protest, and it sounds great, until you remember he's spent the entire year feebly trying to stamp out a protest movement on American soil.
Oh, and all that assaulting the free press for refusing to bow to his will.
And that thing where he attacks private citizens and companies for criticizing him.
Oh, and I almost forget about how he banned anyone from Iran from entering the U.S.
But hey, he cut-n'-pasted Sarah Sanders' tweet, so I'm sure his concern is sincere. Super deluxe sincere. With sprinkles. And a maraschino cherry.
Getting back to that travel ban for a second, I see the shitheel that murdered a cop in Colorado a few days back was another raging, Pepe-flinging, white supremacist from the alt-right jagosphere. Again and again, we keep banning refugees while shitty Nazi losers keep committing acts of terrorism right here on American soil.
I say let's give 'em what they want. Let 'em have their own country. On that giant wad of plastic floating in the Pacific. EVERYBODY WINS.
Let's also give 'em the petulant manchild who got an innocent man killed in a SWAT "prank" because he was upset over a video game. And the cop who fired the fatal shots.
The Shart Administration delivered one last Fuck You to the American people as the clock ran out, backing out of the Gateway Tunnel deal, because Chris Christie couldn't get the McDonald's bag back to HQ before the fries get cold, that CUCK.
I guess Infrastructure Week was mostly about taunting America with all the shit Hillary Clinton would've built.
Anyway, the Candycorn Skidmark attended a 750-bucks-a-head Marm-a-Lago New Year's Eve Party/Influence Auction! A last minute bargain for the lobbyist in YOUR life!
Hey, guess what? I'd never have believed it, but Donald J. Trump, (The "J" stands for "Please Let Me Touch My Daughter's Butt"
finally did something to create jobs for working class! Yup yup, Shartboy's sending thousands of new troops into the meatgrinder men call Afghanistan! That thar Graveyard of Empires never reckoned on a know-nothing sociopath casually tossing other people's children to their doom like so many peanut shells! I bet this decade-plus war is ALL SORTED OUT by June.
...especially since President Crotchvoid rage-tweeted at long-time ally Pakistan, offhandedly destabilizing a region with its very own nuclear standoff, probably because India sent him an Xmas card that played "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" when it opened, and Pakistan just sent socks and a fruitcake.
KKKris KKKobach checked in with an update on his Kooky Kulling Kommission, and I guess his merry band of autocrats haven't had a spare moment to suss out just how much the new poll tax should be, they're just so buried under lawsuits from all those pesky Patriots protecting their precious "right to vote."
Hey, if Excessive Paperwork defeats this wannabe fascist, I say we give Bureaucracy the Presidential Medal of Freedom. As soon as we chase that bloated gangster from the White House, that is.
Anyhow, your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap caught a cold, the coughing and fever is incredibly annoying, and I'd like to drift into a NyQuil coma now.
But before I start hallucinating, let me take one last moment to celebrate the arrival of 2018. It's finally here, the year when we get to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
Tell me Resisters, what're YOU gonna do to swell that Blue Wave growing on the horizon?
Your Late Xmas Gift, the Chance to Laugh at Moore, Haley, Milo, Huckabee, Hatch, & the Rest of 'Em
Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT.
Let's starting diggin' through it. (And of course, as always, the post works a bit better on my site, with all the relevant links: http://showercapblog.com/laugh-at-moore-haley-huckabee/)
Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious "Utahn of the Year" award from the Salt Lake Tribune, because he only looked at the headline, while the article actually gave him the Wrinkly-Ass Power-Mad Jagoff We Wish Would Go Away Forever Award.
Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes is gathering a small but terrifying gang of Republican CongressFinks, sinister white mediocrities worthy of being cast as the bad guys in some shitty teenage soap drama, set in a prep school, starring the least popular member of a second-rate boy band.
They've swung by the Used Ideologies lot, and taken authoritarianism out for a test drive. They go on the teevee to call for the FBI to be "purged" of dissenters, because they don't believe Democrats have the right to enforce laws when it's Republicans doing the law-breaking. They're insisting the Mueller investigation, which has already yielded the indictment of four high-ranking Trump officials, including two felony confessions, is a "witch hunt."
The Pigfucker himself is allegedly preparing a report on all the "corruption" in the FBI, where agents are allowed to serve without praying to a giant butter sculpture of Tangerine Idi Amin five times a day.
These Treasonweasels are, in short, all too happy to whack away at the fundamental pillars of American democracy, while they fantasize about being made capos in whatever dystopia arises from the rubble. Keep both eyes on these fuckheads, folks. They're dumbasses, but they're dangerous.
Word on the street, or at least the cul-de-sac in the gated community, is that the Koch brothers plan to spend a few of the excess millions the GOP just handed them on a campaign to help the serf classes learn to love the ever-widening economic inequality chasm.
The campaign is to feature Kelsey Grammer delivering lectures on all the magnificent freedom that comes with not being able to afford health insurance, while sitting atop a large pile of rubies.
The Failing New York Times published an article that's frankly humiliating for any American who cares about their country to read, about Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford's imbecilic blundering on the international stage, where foreign leaders either tiptoe around him like a petulant rich kid who throws a fit when his ignorance is exposed, or feed him platefuls of empty flattery because they understand that doing so enables them to manipulate him.
I just want the next President to be a grown-up, that's all.
The Drumpf administration finally removed the last remaining obstacle to American Greatness, Excessive Protections for Nursing Home Residents! Yes, for those of you inclined towards elder abuse, the gloves are finally off! Go ahead and booby-trap that wheelchair, fines have never been lower! MAGAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Jiggly HateBumpkin Mike Huckabee proclaimed that Winston Churchill and President Crotchvoid are basically the same person, and the whole fucking world roasted him for being such a ridiculous ass-kisser. Me, I can think of a few other Gary Oldman characters that would be more suitable for comparison.
You recall that Malignant Caveman Corey Lewandowski recently proclaimed his own hand to be God's Personal Gift to the Under-Slapped Asses of the World? Well, you'll be happy to learn Joy Villa has officially filed a sexual assault report against the Drumpf loyalist. Have fun being a registered sex criminal, Corey!
The Hairplug That Ate Decency broke with tradition yet again, this time becoming the first elected president in the history of Gallup's "Most Admired Man" poll to lose in his first year in office. Learning he's less admired than his predecessor won't both Drumpfy at all, because he is such a secure, confident, man.*
The President can take comfort in the Gallup polls he DID win, including "Biggest Traitor," "Most Likely to Ruin a Perfectly Good Steak," and the prestigious "Person I Would Not Piss on if They Were On Fire" poll.
Anyway, because the President is a coward, he won't even own up to golfing when he's golfing, hilariously dispatching a truck to block journalists' view of his golf course, with "I'M NOT GOLFING, YOUR FACE IS GOLFING" scrawled in purple crayon on the side.
Pity poor Steve Bannon, he's juggling so many racist ex-boyfriends it's like a RomCom starring David Duke and Richard Spencer, with our pockmarked hero in the middle!
Paul Nehlen, famous for being the only human being on Earth shitty enough to make Paul Ryan look like the good guy in an election, went FULL NAZI this week, to the point where even Breitbart had to cut ties, acting like Nehlen's previous work for the site was mostly fantasy baseball tips and stroganoff recipes, and they had no idea he was such a racist bastard. Sure. Whatever.
And then there's Milo. More on that in a minute.
Bloomberg reports a Russian-Oligarch-owned steel company is flooding the American market with cheap Russian-Oligarch-owned steel while American steel workers wonder where all those jobs Dorito Mussolini promised them went. America first? Well...we'll keep you in the top ten. For now.
That Omarasa person, recently fired from her high profile job as...Nobody Knows What She Did But Holy Fuck She Walked Away With a Big Ol' Heap of Taxpayer Scratch, seems to be vindictively shopping a nasty tell-all about the Drumpf marriage, including sordid details such as "How many drugs Melania needs to take before going to bed with her husband," and "What the President mistakenly believes the 'pussy' to be, and why he grabs it."
With disgraced former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn cooperating with the Mueller investigation of All Things Shart, Littlefinger's crack legal team apparently plans to paint the Turkish Delight as a big fat liar who lies, and also we barely knew the guy.
"You mean Crazy Old Man Flynn from the abandoned amusement park? He used to dress up like Florence Foster Jenkins, and insist on singing his national security briefings! Mike would fill his underpants with Fritos because he liked the crunchy noise he'd make when he sat down! We was onto him from the start!"
...good luck, Ty.
Doug Jones was officially certified as Alabama's next Senator, despite Former Judge/Noted Child Molester Roy Moore's pathetic last-minute legal tantrum. He insisted there was voter fraud, because what other explanation could their possibly be for African-Americans turning out to vote against a guy who had so many kind things to say about slavery? He also claimed to have taken a polygraph test, which, no, you don't ever get to see, but trust Roy, it cleared him of all wrongdoing.
Anyway, he demanded an electoral do-over, because he really really really wanted to be a Senator, even more than he wanted to date a Mouseketeer, and that was a whole lot, trust me.
Moore best move on, methinks. If he fixates on this Senate seat too much longer, he won't be able to find a date to the prom.
Anyway, you're a gigantic fucking loser, "Judge." Go away forever now.
And, in a wacky coincidence, Roy isn't even the only unhinged, far-right, pro-pedophile maniac getting humiliated in court today! If you need some laffs, check in on the editorial crotch-punting delivered to Subpar Troll/Wannabe Literary Superstar Milo Wedon'trememberyourname-o, courtesy of his own embarrassing lawsuit.
Proving the Republican Party of 2017 is entirely rotten to its very core, some Indiana State GOP CongressTurd wants a law where the Colts would have to refund a fan's money if the fan were subjected to the veritable holocaust of...watching a black man kneel in silent protest. So yeah, from the President down to the local water commissioner, these guys are freedom-hating fascists, and we need to replace them all, ASAP, with people who actually, y'know...believe in America.
Failed DiploBully Nikki Haley humiliated herself on the international stage, AGAIN, because it's kind of her thing. This time, the U.N. Ambassador was tricked by a pair of Russian comedians into commenting on the political situation in a non-existent island nation. Maybe I'm some sort of Coastal Elitist Snowflake Cuck, but I believe America's leading diplomats should be able to tell the difference between real countries and fake ones.
Oh hey, NBD, but a Shart House intern flashed a white power sign in a group photo with President Very Fine People. I'm starting my I WAS A NAZI INTERN b-movie screenplay ten minutes after I get this post up.
As I was writing tonight's update, SHARTUS tweeted "COME AT ME, BRO" at global warming, and NYT published a fresh, new, utterly nutty interview with him. So if you were hoping that your Idiot Manchild President took some time over the holidays to reflect on his weighty responsibilities, and decided to grow up and face them with newfound commitment and maturity...I have some bad news.
Anyway, that's all the gnus that's fit to shriek in existential terror at. And if you don't like it, maybe you should just TAKE UP KNITTING.
*BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH. Hoo.
I Think My Mall Santa was Bannon on the Lam, & Other Ho-Ho-Horrible News
The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We're fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we've got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT.
(As usual, check out the post on my site...there're links and all kinds of fun shit. http://showercapblog.com/think-mall-santa-bannon-lam-ho-ho-horrible-news/)
How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters? The Dickens villains ruining our country are marking the season of love and brotherhood by sprinkling a little fresh fear and hatred on immigration detention policy!
Yes, Stephen Miller strapped on his red Grand Wizard's robes, climbed down the chimney in ICE headquarters and said, "HO, HO, HO! LET'S SEPARATE CHILDREN FROM THEIR FAMILIES IF WE CATCH THEM AT THE BORDER!"
"Now that I have your attention, gentleman," continued Miller, who at this point was observed to be wearing not a fake Santa beard, but rather a beard-like coating of rage spittle coating the lower half of his face, "I'd like to share my plan to KILL THE BATMAN."
Getting back to the demonic inhumanity of Drumpf's immigration team, have you met Office of Refugee Resettlement Director Scott Lloyd? This power-mad theocrat told an undocumented teenager in federal custody that just because she was raped that didn't mean she could get the abortion she had the legal right to, because White Daddy Knows Best and if you wanted control of your own body, you shouldn't have come to Land of the Free.
Fortunately, Lloyd was thwarted in his quest to make his own little corner of the world just a weeeeee bit more fascist, but Jesus Fuck, we need to get these creeps out of office.
'Memeber when Nikki Haley threatened literally the entire world? "If you vote against us on this Jerusalem thing...oooooooooooo you'll be sorry!" bellowed the Ambassador, and the world responded with one voice...or perhaps more accurately, with one middle finger, "Nah."
Well, Nikki's vengeance was swift and merciless! She threw a Friendship Party for herself and the seven countries swayed by her fearsome tirade! Anyway, Nauru got hammered and kept trying to maneuver Honduras under the mistletoe, and Togo threw up in the nog bowl, so it really wasn't much of a party.
Dr. Seuss's new book, Former Judge Moore, Will You Please Go Now! hit the stands this week, but PedoRoy continues to lurk, refusing to concede and helpfully offering to sign yearbooks for any child who wanders too close to his unmarked van.
Anyway, as he's being dragged offstage, hopefully for good this time, Alabama's Most Famous Child Molester is throwing one last tantrum, about Muslims and African-Americans being allowed to vote because of those foolheaded post-Bill o' Rights amendments, and also that Doug Jones has a gay son. Just droppin' a little hatred on the way out, like a drunk who shits on the floor of the bar when the bouncer tells him it's time to go home.
In the aftermath of Moore's defenestration, the rube-exploiting fiends over at Breitbart were all, "Yeah, we believed Roy's accusers, but we smeared them as liars anyway, because if we start holding politicians responsible for sexual assault, our Melting Sherbet God Emperor will get in trouble," which is so cynically evil it'd make a unicorn pony cry
Tom Hanks said he wouldn't screen his new movie for the Sunny D-Bag, because off all the racist/fascist douchebaggery, and also Hanks imagines Trump smells like hair tonic and failure. You sort of expect the Ghost of Jimmy Stewart to show up at Marm-a-Lago to give the President a wedgie while he putts.
Former CongressDolt/Current Ambassador to the Netherlands Pete Hoekstra got himself so thoroughly owned by a Dutch journalist that he's working as the dude's butler now.
Your new hero is reporter Wouter Zwart, who was all, "Hey asshole. Why'd you say that one super racist thing you said?" And Petey was all "That is FAKE NEWS and you should feel bad," and then Wouter went, "Here's video of you saying the thing you just said you never said, ARE THOSE APPLES TO YOUR SATISFACTION?" And Pete-O said "I actually never lied about lying this particular lie," because he doesn't understand what cameras do, I guess.
Cornered and humiliated, Hoekstra finally waved his hand across the reporter's face, feebly suggested that These Are Not the Droids You're Looking For, and scampered away, weeping.
Vanity Fair? MORE LIKE BANNITY FAIR, RIGHT?
Yes, that Pockmarked Prince of Put-on Populism, America's Gin-Sweating Sweetheart himself, Steve Bannon, gave a little interview. He's curiously cocky for a guy who just lost the Republican Party a Senate seat an Ala-frickin'-Bama, which is super-cute. He's like one of those baby demogorgans in Stranger Things 2, screeching at you from a corner...only drunker.
Bannon vomits up some bile in Jared and Ivanka's direction, and even says a few mean things about Boss Shart himself. There's even speculation that he'll run for President himself, presumably on a Livers Are For Cucks platform.
Jar-Jar's in a spot of trouble himself, with prosecutors poking around in his Deutsche Bank records. Hope they don't find those boudoir shots of Eric in your safety deposit box, Jared!
Mitch McConnell had himself a haughty, guttural, laugh at Darth Wino's expense. "That Steve Bannon, he lost in Alabama, he sure is a political fool," Yertle croaked, while gazing lovingly at the historically unpopular tax bill he just passed, the one that's about to destroy his party's congressional majorities. Glass houses, Turtle Boy.
Six inauguration protesters were acquitted of all charges, YAY!
The government was trying to convict them on the grounds that anyone and everyone who attends a protest where property is damaged is legally responsible for that damage, a genuinely horrifying assault on speech rights. NOT YAY!
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, took a big stack of DoJ regulations designed to protect marginalized Americans, pissed on them with his tiny, misshapen elf dick, and laughed at having achieved another victory for his people, the White and Mediocre.
Ol' Beau was particularly giddy to be rid of the post-Ferguson guidance that low-income Americans shouldn't be burdened with crushing and illegal court fees, a practice which has targeted African-American communities. "Well shucks, y'all. If the American legal system isn't gonna keep minorities trapped in a cycle of poverty and imprisonment, why even bother havin' laws atawwwwwl?" Jefferson pondered, before injecting a mint julep directly into his eyeball.
Dutiful Oligarch Sycophant Mick Mulvaney seems to have taken the "Consumer Protection" out of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Since Scott Pruitt removed "Environmental Protection" from the EPA, Jeff Sessions put an asterisk next to the J in DoJ, and Betsy DeVos makes daily mockery of the "Education" in the Education Department, maybe Mick just gave in to peer pressure.
...or maybe he's just an asshole. That's prolly it.
Y'know, some folks claim the President is a raving egomaniac. But I ask you, friends, would a raving egomaniac replace the nation's motto, E pluribus unum, with the shitty made-in-China ballcap slogan he's personally trademarked, on the Presidential challenge coin?
...oh yeah. That's exactly what a raving egomaniac would do. Well, at least Donnie Two-Scoops' coin is precisely as classy as the man himself.
Corey Lewandowski, having surveyed the rapidly shifting sexual harassment landscape, seems to concluded "What women want most is for Corey Lewandowski to slap their ass, but they're probably just too shy and intimidated by my grandeur to ask. Thus shall I slap asses...unbidden!"
Somehow, SHARTUS is still consulting this Neanderthal goon for political advice, as he gazes in terror towards the coming midterm blowout that will replace his craven enablers with shitkicking Democrats. (With subpoena powers!)
The Failing New York Times gave us a behind-the-scenes peek at just how much Tangerine Idi Amin loathes non-white people (SPOILERZ: It's a whole fuckin' lot) and how angry it makes him that they are allowed to exist, in America, despite their appalling lack of whiteness.
He's also quoted saying some super-racist shit. Like, shockingly racist even after a whole fucking year of this cheap Ku Klux Klown shitting directly into our brains. So yeah, that's pretty fucking racist. And of course, Sarah Sanders denies he said anything of the kind. I imagine that denial will hurt Drumpf with his base.
Speaking of white supremacist dirtbags, I see KKKris KKKobach got cucked by a judge who says he has to share documents from his Kooky Kulling Kommission with...the Democrat that serves on it! That's right, KKKris wanted the appearance of a bipartisan commission, but without actually letting the Democrat participate, or even read about whatever fuckery the rest of them were perpetrating. Still, I'm sure their intentions are pure.
Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated his long holiday weekend by attacking the credibility of the FBI and some of its most respected senior officials. That this comes days after retiring Deputy Director McCabe testified to the House Intelligence Committee that he can corroborate the shit out of Jazzy Jim Comey's claims that Shartboy wanted a loyalty oath, is, I'm sure, the zaniest of coincidences. It's a freakin' Owen Wilson flick in here.
Hey, it's been awhile since we've heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk! Bill, you probably don't have anything for us this week, the country's so overwhelmed with holiday cheer!
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: That's frighteningly naive, Cap!
Hah! Yes it is. Well, lay it on us, Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Cap, it seems a couple of concerned parents had to stage an intervention for their daughter...when it turned out she was dating a Neo-Nazi.
Oh hell, that IS awful. Only in -
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I'm not finished. The Nazi kid didn't like having his relationship broken up, so he shot both the parents to death.
I...holy FUCK, bill, that...that's....
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hey, I asked to take this week off.
I see Santa sent Secretary Mnuchin a great big box of actual horseshit! This is newsworthy only in that it's surprising that this sort of thing hasn't happened more. Any time any animal takes a shit anywhere in America, that turd should be immediately boxed and mailed to one of the creeps in the Cabinet.
There should be a subscription box service to ship every American litter box directly to the Oval Office three times a week. Somebody get on that. That's what I want for Xmas.
Anyway, Smallhands Magoo has retreated to his chintzy golf course, perhaps giving himself an Xmas bonus in the form of raising the golf cart rental fees on the Secret Service, and congratulated his oligarch buddies on how much richer he'd just made them.
Hey, if you happen to be one of the rubes who still believes this crotch fungus cares about working people, I'd really like to discuss some real estate opportunities with you. Hit me up in the comments.
And with that, I leave you to your holidays, my friends. Next year, let's all chip in and get ourselves an early present: a brand-spankin'-new Congress! VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
Congratulate the GOP on their Tax Bill, the Pyrrhicest Victory of All Time. "Pyrrhicest" is a Word.
I think the nonstop insanity of 2017 has finally entirely overwhelmed the GOP. Having passed a universally-despised bill that will certainly destroy their congressional majorities in 11 short months, these delusional old men are partying like it's 1899, and they're all railroad barons.
Well, let's poke through the rubble, see if we can piece together just what the fuck is going on.
(And of course, the post works a little better with links, so check out my site: http://showercapblog.com/congratulate-gop-tax-bill-pyrrhicest-victory-time-also-pyrricest-word-now/)
Doddering Meth Addict Scott Pruitt blew a few thousand taxpayer dollars to have his office swept for bugs, because he is paranoid clown who thinks he lives in a spy novel. Yes, this is the same Scott Pruitt who demanded round-the-clock security, and a $25,000 sound-proof booth for his office, so nobody will hear the unseemly moans he makes when jacking off to photos of oil-covered wildlife suffering in the aftermath of the latest pipeline rupture.
Let me just lift this from the article verbatim: "Government officials have lifted the moratorium on funding for research that involves altering certain viruses to make them more lethal and transmittable."
Heh. Heheheheh. Too perfect. The least intelligent, least responsible, administration in American history wants to fuck around with germ warfare? Fine. Whatever. I lost my mind sometime in June. Bring it on.
...but if you happen to find yourself watching CNN some lazy afternoon, and Jake Tapper and his guests all seem to develop the sniffles at the same time, well...
So, some random maniac popped up on a Fux Nooz panel and casually mentioned that the FBI was probably plotting to assassinate Baron Golfin von Fatfuk because someone said so "on social media." Folks, there are people on social media who think the Browns are going to win the Super Bowl next season. And that's not even factoring in the lizard people crowd.
And it tells you everything you need to know about Fox that they didn't immediately ban this moron for life for telling a national TV audience that THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION MIGHT BE ATTEMPTING TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES BECAUSE YOU READ SOME MORON'S TWEET.
So the whole world hates Tangerine Idi Amin's Jerusalem move, and there's a U.N. vote coming up where the community of nations is expected to condemn it as the act of a Tantruming Man-Child Who Doesn't Know Shit About Shit, which it is.
And of course, Littlefinger and his stooge, U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, responded as any mature statesmen might, by throwing around empty threats like they're cheap gangsters from movies Joe Pesci turned down.
The great thing about alienating the international community is...nothing. At all. There's no conceivable benefit for America or any of its citizens. Still, I'm sure by the end of the week, the New York Times will find some dipshit who's never read anything longer than the patty melt description on a diner menu, and he'll think it's just ducky.
Failed Witchhunter Trey Gowdy shot his mouth off a bit about how FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe probably wasn't even gonna show up for his interview with Congress, probably because he was going to confess to being Hillary Clinton's corrupt personal sex slave and then commit ritual suicide in shame. And when none of that happened, Gowdy Doody was all, "Yeah, I guess I made all that shit up out of thin air. Kind of like the entire fucking Benghazi investigation. I don't know if y'all have noticed, but I'm not a very smart man."
Foreign Policy reports that alllllllll the way back in January, Shart House Counsel Don McGahn was going, "Siri, is it bad if your National Security Advisor lies to the FBI?" and the Mueller investigation has the records to prove it.
And WHOA IF TRUE because if it turns out McGahn went to Drumpf with his concerns about Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn that far back, the already-chubby obstruction of justice case just put on another ten pounds.
We learned that Decaying Frank Capra Antagonist Rupert Murdoch halted publication of a WSJ editorial highlighting Boss Shart's mob ties as he drew closer to clinching his ethically-bankrupt party's nomination. Cuz hey, if you don't report something in the first place, it doesn't have to be fair OR balanced!
Well, the Republican Party successfully passed the least popular piece of legislation in recent history, and, for reasons that escape me, they threw themselves a party. It's like setting the house on the fire, locking yourself inside, and popping champagne.
These dopes really think this turd will get more popular as time goes on. Like, when your dickhead boss drives his shiny new Mercedes to work next summer, you'll be so pleased that you got to splurge and get your tires rotated at your last oil change that you'll just spontaneously call Richard Burr on your lunch break to blubber your thanks.
Susan Collins, clearly nostalgic for the bipartisan praise heaped on her in the heady days of the ACA repeal fight, accused the media of sexism, because she doesn't seem quite so heroic when delivering fat sacks of cash to billionaires.
Senator Collins, let me clarify this for you...while our understanding of the concept of gender is evolving seemingly by the day, distaste for the fact that you're a lying puppet who sold her constituents out to the Republican donor base transcends any conceivable identity. independent of race, creed, color, or gender, all Americans saw what you did this week, and we don't fucking like it.
And the Marmalade Shartcannon celebrated his pathetically-late first victory with a round of his favorite pastime; forcing his subordinates to lavish flowery praise upon him like a third-rate, third-world Generalissimo.
And good gravy, were his craven enablers ever willing! Hats off especially to Mike Pence, who fondled the Trumpal nutsack like a couple of Baoding balls. Orrin Hatch bootlicked spectacularly as well, saying Donnie Two-Scoops is prolly the best President ever, because he somehow managed to get Republicans to cut rich folks' taxes.
Yeah, Orrin...that's some real water-into-wine shit right there. (Epic eyeroll)
I have to admit, watching these men debase themselves, groveling like servants before this loathsome, bloated, crotch fungus of a man...it makes me laugh. How utterly devoid of self-respect would have you to be to say what Pence or Hatch said today?
(In the background, Trent Franks wandered the party clutching a red Solo cup with "WILL ROOFIE 4 SURROGATE" drawn in Sharpie on the side.)
Anyway, enjoy the "victory." The nation hates the bill, and the fuckheads who passed it. Me, I look forward to watching Democrats run on repealing it, kick your collaborating asses out of office, and then claw Bob Corker's signature kickback right out of his greedy little pocket.
I suppose I should mention how Shartboy took a moment in his Celebration of American Oligarchy to tell Steve Scalise that getting almost murdered in the hail of a lunatic's bullets was "a helluva way to lose weight."
At least now we know why our President won't even ban bump stocks...in his eyes, the massacre in Vegas was just one big Jenny Craig camp.
Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark bragged about how he'd "essentially repealed Obamacare," but nobody noticed, because he's just so dang crafty. No, you didn't repeal the ACA ya jag, but you DID ensure that you'll be blamed for the forthcoming premium increases. Nice work, genius.
Back in the real world, the former Trump SoHo Hotel wrapped up sandblasting the President's sharty little name off every surface on their grounds. What I'm saying is, congratulations, Senator Hatch n' Friends, for tying your fortunes so irreversibly to a man who is so widely hated that businesses are literally paying to back out of their associations with him.
Meanwhile, Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes pulled out of Ma Hackett's prized sow long enough to apparently launch a little side "investigation" designed to paint the FBI as hopelessly corrupt for investigating the President in the face of increasingly-overwhelming evidence that he and his team have broken a fuck-ton of laws.
Nunes is such a cartoonish little weasel, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that there is no pillar of American democracy that the Trumpiest wing of the GOP won't merrily knock over to protect their crooked God-Emperor. The dustbin of history can't get here soon an enough. Keep an eye on these fucks, Resisters.
On the other side of the aisle, Virginia Senator Mark Warner took the floor to say, "Hey Fuck-O. If you're thinking of firing Bob Mueller, you'll have to go through me first."
Be like Mark Warner. Stand with Mark Warner. Actually, just look up Mark Warner and tell him, "Thanks for standing up for us, bro."
Yeah, shit be cray, folks. I never thought shit would get so cray that a political party would throw a party for their own funeral, but hey...it ain't the first time I've been surprised this particular calendar year.
Robo-Trump Debuts, Corker Kicks Back at the #CorkerKickback, & Jill Stein's Turn at Last (Ferret)
Well, Resisters, I received a list of banned words and phrases from the Drumpf Administration, that I'm no longer allowed to use here in my humble little corner of the internet. Stuff like "science-based," "Roy Moore is a child molester who was banned from the mall," and, most distressingly..."shart."
...come visit me in the gulag, is what I'm sayin'. And visit my site, where you can find this post with all the relevant links:
http://showercapblog.com/robo-trump-debuts-corker-kicks-back-corkerkickback-jill-steins-turn-last-news/
CNN reports that Orange Julius Caesar lives in a delightful fantasy world where Big Macs grow on trees, where every day is Golf Day, and where Robert Mueller's investigation will end any minute now with, hugs and apologies. He seems to think he'll get some sort of "letter of exoneration," and perhaps also a trophy for Normalest Hands.
Don't spoil it for him. It'll be more fun as a surprise.
NBC says that the FBI sat the Drumpf campaign down last summer to say "Hey, just a heads-up, expect the Russians to try to infiltrate your campaign, and oh yeah, give us a heads up if any Russians swing by offering to like, collude with you, or hack into the DNC's e-mails or anything, cuz that'd be super-illegal," and Team Shart was all "Yeah yeah, sure sure," while Jeff Sessions was inconspicuously sweeping a stack of Russians underneath the office rug.
Considering how many different meetings-with-Russians these clowns have been caught lying about since then, this would seem to push the dreamt-of exoneration letter even further into Narnia.
An Amtrak train derailed in Washington state this morning, and Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to pimp his non-existent infrastructure plan, which he claims would somehow have prevented the disaster despite his administration's repeated calls to slash Amtrak's budget.
And after being chastised for not doing so in the first place, Drumpfy tweeted "Oh yeah, sorry about the dead people, I guess. Or wait, were any of them black? I'll get back to you."
Ted Cruz picked a fight with Mark Hamill, over net neutrality, I guess because he thinks sneering at a beloved screen icon is the best way to get his message out. Teddy's just the Da Vinci of Dislikability, isn't he? This is why, even when he was the last viable option against Trump in the primaries, he couldn't get endorsements from his colleagues.
Cruz and Shartcannon, Jr. made further headlines posing with some sort of giant cookie that had a crude Obama frosting illustration on it, I guess? Because "trollin' the libtards" is as close to policy as the American right gets these days. I fully expect "Owning Snowflakes" to be added to the official GOP platform.
Bob Corker, caught with his cheeks bulging with cash like a guilty chipmunk waylaid on the way to hibernation, excuse me, "retirement," was all "Hashtag Corker Kickback? What Hashtag Corker Kickback? I haven't even read that silly ol' bill, how was I to know about a last-minute change that'd save me millions of dollars coincidentally being added right as I flipped my vote without any of my demands being met?"
Ol' Bob imagines himself to be quite crafty. Anyway, he's far from the only prominent Republican slated to rake in a bundle of cash from the kickback that now so famously bears his name.
One of the dipshit Palin kids, I can never remember their names...was it Flarp Palin, or Thumb Palin, or Dopey or Sneezy or Grumpy? It doesn't matter. Point is, Cronut Palin got arrested for assault for breaking into his parents' house to beat up his dad, Spork Palin. Whatever. I'm sure you're looking forward to being lectured on "family values" by these COPS guest stars as much as I am.
Boy howdy, Jolly James Clapper sure did throw some hands at Baron Velveeta Harkonnen on CNN this afternoon! Drumpf is Putin's "asset," and Uncle Vlad is "handling" him like a pro, says the former DNI.
Sometimes he'll call up in the middle of the night and say, "Donnie my Boy, make me a sandwich. No one makes 'em like you, with your tiny fingers you spread the mustard right up into every corner. I imagine it must take you rather a long time."
And you bet your ass Donnie Two-Scoops hops out of bed and makes that sandwich.
Hey, if anybody was thinking about getting me anything for Xmas, you needn't bother, my stocking overfloweth with the news that Jill Fucking Stein has FINALLY been swept up in the Russia investigation!
Yes, the Senate Intelligence Committee has requested some documents from everybody's least favorite opportunistic meddler, and I bet they're not after folk-rock lyrics, Dr. Stein.
I missed the bit about how Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated the anniversary of the Sandy Hook massacre by inviting Shameless Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre over to the White House to enjoy a little eggnog spiked with rum and the blood of innocent children.
Matthew Peterson withdrew his nomination for a lifetime federal judgeship today, after a humiliating video demonstrating how he doesn't know shit about shit went viral. Peterson will reportedly resume his old career, Taking Up Space and Staring Vacantly Out the Window.
The Shart House will dispatch Ben Carson to Puerto Rico tomorrow, to survey the ongoing hurricane fallout. Secretary Carson is expected to nap, order people who haven't had power for months to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, nap some more, and eventually propose hollowing out the entire island in order to use it to store grain.
Susan Collins announced her support for the Make Americans Serfs Again Act, excuse me, the "GOP tax reform bill," all but guaranteeing its passage. It's tricky, pinning down Senator Collins' morality. When the ACA repeal bill would have stolen health insurance from 32 million Americans, she played hero...but the mere 13 million kicked out by the individual mandate repeal? Susan says that ain't no thang at all.
For future reference, Senator, it would be ideal if we could nail down precisely what number of ruined American lives serves as your decency threshold. Actually, let's start a pool! Ten bucks on 22,345,658!
Anyway, the American People like the bill about as much as they like the idea of Ted Cruz doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. Oh, and they want Democrats to control congress. And check out the gap on dat generic congressional ballot.
And now WaPo reports the Misshapen Traffic Cone toyed with un-nominating Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court for insufficient loyalty in the face of his various "Fuck the Courts for cockblocking all my mega-awesome dictatorship planz" rants. How big an ass do you have to be to make Neil Gorsuch the good guy in a story?
ProPublica has a fun peek behind the curtain of Scott Pruitt's EPA, where clean air is for CUCKS and decisions are made between Scotty and the Voices in his Head in the soundproof booth he's been busily decorating with his own bodily fluids.
And the Marmalade Shartcannon finally debuted in Disney's Hall of Presidents, an animatronic horror which sources tell me still has a number of bugs, including a distressing tendency to ask park guests to urinate on it.
So that's the Monday Madness, friends. I know it feels rough sometimes, but hey, since you started reading this post, you're like, four minutes closer to your chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS...and that's a wonderful thing.
The Corker Kickback, Pruitt Paranoia, CDC Censorship, & Other Madness (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hello friends...as always, the post might make a bit more sense with all the links available on my site...click here: http://showercapblog.com/corker-kickback-pruitt-paranoia/
I know I say that Shit Be Cray all the time, but I ask you...with a historically unpopular GOP on the brink of passing a historically unpopular tax bill on behalf of a so-historically-unpopular-we'd-rather-have-Ebola President, can you honestly claim we're living in rational times?
The week's big news could be titled...ATLAS FLUSHED. Yes it seems Paul Ryan, his foot never far from the working class' neck, is finally ready to stomp and walk away.
Word is, once his Paying Poor People For Work Was A Mistake in the First Place, So Let's See What We Can Do About That bill passes, he will gaze out upon his country, at the millions whose path out of poverty he's just walled off, and say "My work here is done! Yea, though the social safety net was my own ladder to success, finally have I set that ladder ablaze! I've got mine, bitches!" and then he can drift away to spend the money he just redistributed to himself.
Ryan'll probably build a giant hedge maze, where he'll spend his leisure time pitting working single mothers against one another in races to the death, with life-saving medicine for their children as the prize.
WaPo dropped a hilariously depressing deep dive into how the Accidental Poosquirt's fragile ego prevents the nation from addressing Russian interference in our democracy, and thus from subverting future attacks.
Oh, what wondrous times we live in, where the crippling insecurities of one inadequately-digited buffoon threaten the safety of an entire nation! Excuse me, I need to spike my eggnog with something a little stronger. Like maybe ether.
Anyhow, the article goes on to talk about how pleased Vlad Putin is with fucking America up via getting a Rancid Chef Boyardee Ravioli elected President, and also how SCROTUS' intelligence briefers distract him with hand puppets and Arby's sliders when discussing Russia, so as to avoid a tantrum.
And everybody's talking about the hot new YouTube star, judge wannabe Matthew Peterson, nominated for a lifetime appointment by the cud-brained morons running our government. The video's really somethin', folks. Increasingly dismayed Senators cycle through the most basic legal questions they can think to ask, stuff a first year law student or even a zealous Sam Waterston fan could handle, and young Matt can't answer a single one. Take the following exchange:
Sen. John Kennedy: "Could you, if pressured, locate your own dick?"
Peterson: "No, sir."
K: "What if you had a map? Could you find your own dick with a map?"
P: "That's really not something I've been called on to do in my current post, Senator."
Betsy DeVos' Secret Santa got her a couple of shiny new lawsuits, yay! The DeVostator cannot be pestered to do her job, you peons! So what if you were defrauded by a predatory, phony, for-profit, "university?" How's an unqualified rich lady supposed to advance God's kingdom with all these whiny takers nipping at her (thousand-dollar) heels?
Having been thoroughly humiliated at the hands of minority voters in Alabama earlier this week, the Shart House announced their plans to turn around their colossally, historically, like-the-lead-singer-of-Nickleback-driving-an-Edsel-full-of-New-Coke approval numbers by...demonizing minorities! More than usual. On purpose. Because strategy.
President Skidmark didn't hesitate to do his part; when it comes to stirring up the petty fears and hatreds of shitty white people, well, business and pleasure overlap. The world sends America only their worst, he bellowed, the thieves and murderers, gang members and Dane Cook fans.
The Festering Hemorrhoid threw in a casual line about maybe pardoning Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn, because who doesn't like witness tampering, and also I guess 'cuz no one around him has bothered to sit him down and define "obstruction of justice" with any clarity.
Anyway, while Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot bellows about foreigners, American terrorists keep stubbornly insisting on being pro-Trump white supremacist losers, like the kid who shot up a school in New Mexico last week. How you can claim to be part of a master race when you still live with your parents escapes me.
And to think, some are claiming racism was a factor in Drumpf's election.
Roy Moore still won't concede the Alabama Senate race, lurking outside the courthouse like...well, like Younger Roy Moore trolling for the vulnerable children of divorcing parents.
The Washington Post reminded us that the federal government has essentially abandoned the people of Puerto Rico to suffer without power, because their skin is brown and their President is a raging racist shitbag. No jokes in this paragraph, because nothing's funny.
Hey, Scott Pruitt has been putting your taxpayer cash to good use, paying an opposition research firm to root out dirty deep state gremlins in the EPA. Who's he after? Filthy Resisters with traitorous beliefs like "the environment should be protected, and probably by us, what with the name of our agency and all."
I'll bet ya a shiny new dime Pruitt's gone full Howard Hughes in that soundproof wankoff booth of his. Sits in there is a pool of his own filth, screaming at the voices in his head telling him to recycle stuff, like a common libtard cuck.
The dude responsible for the FCC's repeal of net neutrality rules had amusing little troll at the expense of the overwhelming majority of Americans who opposed the move, engaging in an outdated fad dance alongside a known pizzagate conspiracy theorist.
Have your fun, bro. The net neutrality decision will send millions to the polls, and your life's work, as a willing toady of ISP megacorporations, will be undone forever by February 2021.
Princess Ivanka, chased out of most retail outlets by a wave of American decency, opened up a shop of her own in Daddy's building, where she'll have better access to her target audience; those desperate to bribe her infinitely bribable father.
Oh, and the Drumpf family doesn't even know how to vote. I swear, these people must be so inspirational to the dumb and angry. You too, can do anything you want, even become President, in spite of what ought to be debilitating mental deficiencies...so long as your father is rich enough.
The GOP finally congealed like so much Hamburger Helper grease around their Who Will Think of the Already Obscenely Wealthy tax reform bill, but the road to passage has not lacked for drama.
Marco Rubio stood briefly in the road to say "Halt! Gentleman and Barely-Tolerated Token Ladies of the GOP! What about the CHILDREN? Surely as we shovel untold millions into our aristocrat masters' pockets, we can carve out some savings for the poor, trod-upon, working folk and their children? You shall not have my vote without it!"
And John Cornyn said, "Eh, let's give 'em enough for one tank of gas per month," and Marco said "Good enough for me!"
Meanwhile CHIP remains unrenewed, with funding running out in some states beginning in January, in spite of the efforts of that Mighty Champion of Children, Senator Rubio.
Bob Corker, too, stood astride the Road to Passage, and said "I will not vote for this bill, for it violates my deepest-held, my most sacred principles, and if a man holds not to his principles...can you call him a man?"
Then, in return for precisely jack shit, Corker proclaimed "Just kidding! Voting for it after all!" Any future monuments to Senator Corker should be unusually flimsy weathervanes.
Well, maybe I shouldn't say Bob didn't get ANYTHING, he seems to be one of the many GOP CongressGrifters to benefit personally from a last-minute provision in their "reform" bill. But all that shit about deficits? Yeah, that was as disappointingly hollow as that gigantic chocolate bunny your parents got you for Easter.
If you need a port in the shitstorm, at least we won another one in court. Despite the best efforts of the President of the United States, women can still get birth control, whether or not their employer thinks they are dirty hos for wanting it.
The President broke precedent and refused to extend the ACA enrollment deadline, because he doesn't want Americans to have health care. HA HA HA CAP WHAT A FUNNY JOKE WHY WOULD THE PRESIDENT WANT HIS CONSTITUENTS TO DIE THAT IS SILLY.
Yep. Hilarious.
Going for a corner space in Authoritarian Tic-Tac-Toe, the Shart administration issued the CDC a list of verboten words, like "transgender," "diversity" and "science-based." My sources inform me this is a trial balloon for future Orwellian bans on words and phrases like "Impeachment," "Emoluments Clause," and "Holy shit the President's ass looks like Moby Dick in those golf pants."
Saturday evening, word leaked that Righteous Robert Mueller had gained access to all of Team Shart's emails from the transition (this in addition to seeking communications from Cambridge Analytica), even the ones where Jared begs Ivanka to please please touch his wiener, just a little bit, it's been so very long and it's his birthday and you promised, goddammit.
Now, the Shartkins had turned over a handful of transition e-mails previously, but did not seem pleased to learn the investigation had ALL of them, especially after so many high ranking officials have testified under oath, and thus likely perjured themselves.
They claimed executive privilege, which of course they didn't have, this being the transition, not the administration. Oh, and the e-mails in question were sent from .gov addresses, which come with a big fat warning that says they're government records and therefore no right to privacy can be expected. Still, they're crying that SOMETHING illegal happened, and hey, Sean Hannity and Jeanine Pirro will be all too happy to parrot the lie.
And I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchin popped up on the Sunday Shoz to lie about some stuff. The tax bill raises taxes on the wealthy, and the Mueller probe will end soon, and the next Transformers movie will win Best Picture. He's a real cut-up, that Mnuchbag.
Also, it seems like Sharty McFly and Uncle Vlad are closer than ever! They talk on the phone all the time now, gossiping about who gets to sit next to them at the next international summit, and Angela Merkel's terrible shoes.
Interesting times, Resisters. Hey, if you've read this far, I hope you'll click here and join me in signing up for updates from the Mueller Firing Rapid Response team. I hope it won't be necessary, but...let's be ready just in case.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 667