TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalGhost Buses and Kidney Punches: America is Finally Great Again
Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here?
(As ever, links aplenty await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/ghost-buses-and-kidney-punches-america-is-finally-great-again/)
Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House,” well, I confess I don’t want my entire existence to be crushed. I don’t want any of my existence to be crushed, honestly…except maybe those pesky love handles that always manifest around the holidays, amirite?
I dunno, maybe it’s these plans I keep reading about, to construct Stephen Miller’s Barbie Dream Concentration Camps, or amass an army of 54,000 goose-stepping Constitution-shredders to staff the federal government, but it definitely feels a little fashy in here. Maybe I should put on a sweater.
With the apparatchiks tending to the burdensome details of dismantling democracy, Off-Brand Orbán’s days are free for recreational activities, such as golf, and stochastic terrorism. Indeed, Wee Don asked MAGA Claus for a long list of assassinations, excuse me, “citizen’s arrests” this year, and he’s adding to it all the time.
For example, I’m still not sure what Judge Engoron’s clerk did to land her recurring role in the Two Minutes Hate, (presumably she’s been mouthing “Ivanka will never fuck you” throughout the proceedings) but the Dotard sure is trying real, real hard to set her up with Cult45’s next aspiring hammer-wielding psycho, whoever that may be.
As you’ve probably noticed, alongside all this authoritarianism and political violence, anti-Semitism is on the rise, which is surely one of those zany, one-in-a-million coincidences. I wouldn’t worry about it. Why, who can forget Donald’s heartwarming Rosh Hashanah message just two short months ago?
Ben Shapiro was shocked, shocked to hear anti-Israel sentiments expressed by Candace “Hitler got a bad rap” Owens. Nobody tell Ben how his buddies Tucker Carlson and Charlie Kirk’ve been talking; it’s best he remains as ignorant of the true intentions of the movement he’s enabled as he is of rudimentary reproductive biology.
Meanwhile, advertisers seem curiously underappreciative of Elon Musk’s bigot-amplifying strategy, either because of the nefarious manipulations of the Anti-Defamation League and their eeeeeeeeeeevil allies at Media Matters, or because they’re simply not geniusy enough to see the profit potential in associating their brands with pro-Nazi content.
Mere weeks after his feral caucus devoured his predecessor for passing a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, soon-to-be-former Speaker Mike Johnson passed a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, so I guess the intervening pandemonium served no function beyond destroying Kevin McCarthy’s career in excruciatingly humiliating fashion, which…I’m completely okay with, actually.
Reactions varied, however. Chip Roy, for example, pitched another of his famous C-SPAN shitfits. “We’re somehow even dumber and less competent without Louie Gohmert!” bellowed the Chipster, “HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?!?”
Anyway, since the whole “governing” thing hasn’t worked out, congressional Republicans have fallen back on the one thing the modern American Right does genuinely well: violence.
McCarthy (allegedly) revenged his un-Speakering upon an unsuspecting Tim Burchett’s kidneys, in a Capitol hallway, in front of reporters, showing off those next-level people skillz that made his brief tenure atop the House so famously productive.
(According to Adam Kinzinger, Kevin’s been deploying these plausibly deniable drive-by body check tactics for some time now, which I bet surprises you a whole lot.)
Even more masculine n’ impressive was Oklahoma Senator/emotionally-stunted manchild Markwayne Mullin, who tried to start a fistfight during a Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee hearing. Immediately following his juvenile outburst, Markwayne embarked upon the traditional wingnut media tour, blustering on about how much he can bench press until he tuckered himself out, demanded a juice box, and curled up in the fetal position for an overdue nap.
In contrast with Mullin’s mega-manly manfulness, beta cuck James Comer could only feebly stammer “Y-yeah, well you’re a S-S-Smurf" when Democrat Jared Moskowitz mocked his rank hypocrisy. Little twerp can’t even do toxic masculinity right.
It was at this point, right when you figured Republicans had finally reached rock bottom, dignity-wise, that Clay Higgins began ranting about “ghost buses,” alleging an FBI plot to convey legions of antifa false flaggers to the Capitol riot via automotive apparitions. Because he is insane, and very, very, very stupid.
Shit, the week saw so much congressional cray-cray, Marjorie Taylor Greene couldn’t break through to the front page, and she not only had one of her trademark “lookit how dumb Marj is” exchanges with FBI Director Wray, but also threatened a Cabinet secretary after failing to impeach him. The Republican lunacy market is actually tremendously competitive.
Well, I hope you’re happy, you puritanical scolds, all your prudish fussing about “ethics” and “campaign finance violations” finally drove George Santos out of public service! Sure, he’s broken more laws than any three Mafia families, but honestly, wouldn’t the world be a better place if more Republican donor money got funneled to Botox and OnlyFans rather than filling the courts with Federalist Society weirdos?
Having proved the doubters wrong by showing the world his surprisingly real, non-Canadian girlfriend, Tim Scott suspended his significantly less real presidential campaign, which no one will remember by this time next month.
While Tim is out, the QAnon Shaman is in, announcing a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, on a platform of Better Chow For Incarcerated Terrorists, setting up a potential debate with Blake Masters, which would surely be held in one of those evangelical church’s hell houses.
Speaking of Arizona, apparently Kari Lake’s tackin’ towards the center in her Senate run…or trying to, anyhow. What does “moderate” Kari Lake even look like? “Oh, Joe Biden didn’t steal the election, he just borrowed it, and forgot about it in the back of the garage.”
Look, I’m not about to welcome Jenna Ellis to the Resistance or anything, but if she wants to keep puking up bile all over the Trump clan’s shoes, I certainly won’t stand in her way. If she keeps testifying about Turd Reich officials saying shit like “The boss is not going to leave under any circumstances…we are just going to stay in power,” I suppose she can come to ONE party. And maybe even help herself to the vegetable tray, but the cheese plate is for people who understood overturning elections was wrong without getting indicted.
Devin Nunes has somehow managed to steer ivermectin influencer safe space Truth Social to $31 million in losses, an unanticipated setback for an accomplished leader who rose to prominence by losing a fight to an imaginary internet cow.
Seems there’s a “fresh” new influencer keeping it “lit” on TikTok: Osama bin Laden! All the kewl kids agree, Osama’s Letter to America is “fire” and they’d totes invite him over to “Netflix and chill” any day, because radical Islamic terror “slaps!”
The latest pocket of American Christofascism popped up Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where they actually made it illegal to be homosexual in public, another example of the laboratories of kakistocracy testing the limits of the 6-3 theocrat SCOTUS majority. Anyway, Murfreesboro is now considered a strong frontrunner to host the RNC, CPAC, and several Republican Senators’ granddaughters’ cotillions.
Incidentally, following a cascade of scandals, the Supreme Court issued a toothless, perfunctory ethics code, which stipulates Clarence Thomas must financially reimburse Harlan Crow for any human beings he hunts for sport in Harlan’s creepy dictator sculpture garden.
Checking in on the War on Xmas, news from the front is mostly positive, as Operation: Jade Helm, But With Gay Nutcrackers appears to have caught the enemy completely off guard.
Meanwhile, Smilin’ Joe Biden called Xi Jinping a dictator, revealed he forgot his own wife’s birthday, and still got him to cough up a fresh round of pandas. Superpower shit, muthafuckaaaaaas!
Heads up, there will be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, as I will be observing the holiday, by giving thanks for the rare opportunity to spend a few days without pouring MAGA poison into my brain. I will also give thanks for everyone who joins the email list at showercapblog.com or follows @john_luzar at the Bad Place, and especially to everyone who donates to the Beer Fund, temporarily reimagined as the Beer and Pie Fund.
So, until we meet again in December, you stay safe out there, friend. Holiday travel can be perilous; you never know when you might find yourself trapped on a airplane with a barefoot anti-vaxxer.
Election Day is When MAGA Does What They Do Best (Ferret)
Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history.
(U know u want links n’ shininess: https://showercapblog.com/election-day-is-when-maga-does-what-they-do-best/)
In lieu of a policy platform, the Dotard ‘24 campaign has been working up a list of revenge targets for his weaponized DoJ to persecute, including, but hardly limited to: Mark Milley, John Kelly, whoever cut him out of Home Alone 2 in Canada, Bill Barr, Ty Cobb, and every single person who beheld photographic evidence of his poorly attended inauguration. Curiously absent from this enemies list are those most deserving of retaliation: his tailor and his barber.
Seems Off-Brand Orbán spends most of his time these days either fondly reminiscing upon past abuses of power or fantasizing about abuses of power yet to come. No wonder he can’t endure ten minutes in the harsh reality of Judge Engoron’s courtroom without melting down like a prep school kid who just found out he has to rewrite a paper he got caught plagiarizing.
Other plans for a restored Turd Reich include invoking the Insurrection Act against dissenting protesters, and replacing the nixed Harriet Tubman $20 bill with currency bearing the warped rictus of Libs of TikTok’s Chaya Raichik posing with the USA Today headline about all the bomb threats she inspires.
Oh, and Tucker Carlson will be Vice President, because I guess we’re skipping the boring parts of the Book of Revelation.
The self-proclaimed Party of Losers LARPed another “presidential debate,” because it’s not like Chris Christie has anywhere else to be. The closest thing to actual news generated by this pointless pomposity pageant was the shocking revelation that Tim Scott’s Canadian girlfriend actually exists. Otherwise, Nikki Haley called Vivek Ramaswamy a “turd-gargling taint blister,” earning the rare “Geppetto checkmark” from Washington Post fact-checkers, and the fast fading Ron DeSantis once again came up short in his pursuit of the ever-elusive human smile.
I guess as long as Asa Hutchinson can escape campaign events with his life, he’s technically still running, too. And if any self-loathing political junkie honestly wants to click on a headline like “Burgum pens op-ed to defend his continued candidacy,” well, who am I to stand in their way?
…but the primary’s over, folks.
Well, House Republicans had barely a week to enjoy that new Speaker smell before they drove the government right back into their favorite ditch, pulling two spending bills at the last minute as a shutdown looms.
Of course, it hardly helps that Mike Johnson’s attention has been split between governing the nation and monitoring his son’s pornography intake with an app, which you’ll agree is an exceptionally normal thing to do.
One shudders contemplating the Johnson family porn search history. Puritans self-flagellating while dry-humping dinosaurs atop smallpox blankets on the deck of Noah’s Ark, that sort of thing.
Apparently, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s been tromping around the Capitol in a snit, screaming LAUREN BOEBERT IS A WHOOOOOOOOOORE at anyone who happens by, because her colleagues coalesced around a rival motion to censure Rashida Tlaib. Wow. Who would’ve imagined the woman who thought wildfires were caused by immense, Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space would turn out to be so emotionally unstable?
Turns out Imperial Impeachment Inquisitor James Comer’s own “shady business practices” are indistinguishable from the notorious Biden family crime syndicate’s, right down to the specific dollar amounts of the so-called “loans” to alleged “brothers.” Luckily for Jimmy, it’s a post-shame party/cult that’s enabled his ascent, so he’s still free to pester the families of Hamas’ victims while the House GOP moves their hearings behind closed doors to shield themselves from further public humiliation.
Wyoming Congressdolt Harriet Hageman went on Newsmax to claim pro-Palestine protests are a plot backed by all-purpose bogeyman George Soros, because God really enjoys making liberals say “I sure do miss having Liz Cheney in Congress!”
Speaking of the telltale intellect of the bigot, Indianapolis’ Ruba Almaghtheh accidentally perpetrated a terrorist attack on fellow anti-Semites because she was too fucking stupid and lazy to do a quick google search before driving her car into a building she believed to be a Jewish school.
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
Domestic terrorists can rest easy knowing they’ve got a friend in the United States Congress. Yes, gun violence truther/coronavirus magnet Clay Higgins penned a letter vouching for the “good character, faith, and core principles” of crowbar-wielding Capitol rioter Ryan Nichols, whose hobbies include talking about himself in the third person and assaulting police officers with chemical spray. Well, if anyone exemplifies “good character,” it’s Clay.
Hoping to claw back some of the money they lost on a book targeted at rage-addled illiterates, Mark Meadows’ publisher is suing him for, and make sure you’re near a fainting couch, lying about the 2020 election. Similar lawsuits are expected from the producer of John Eastman’s autobiographical rock opera, and the fiddler from freak-folk four-piece Sidney Powell and the Big Lie.
Apparently, Peter Thiel won’t be financing 2024’s crop of Herschel Walkers and Blake Masterses, because he’s planning on converting all his wealth into quarters, building a giant pyramid out of them, and having himself cryogenically frozen inside. Unless he figures out how to turn himself into an elf first. A Tolkein elf, not a Keebler one. I think. Either way, I hope you’ve still got free articles left at The Atlantic this month, because Pete is 31 flavors of cray-cray, and this profile is fuckin’ wiiiiiiiiiiiiiild.
Good news for insufferable fake progressives who prioritize self-aggrandizing social media posturing over actual human suffering: Jill Stein’s back! 2016 Stein voters still get annual thank-you cards from Syrian Kurds, I’m told.
ANYWAY
Given the fuckery n’ madness documented in the preceding paragraphs, (and indeed in the preceding six and a half years of this blog) it brings me great pleasure to report that the Coalition of the Decent unleashed yet another can of electoral whoop-ass on MAGA nation, leaving Republicans scrambling to understand why voters yet again rejected their proffered shit sandwich.
I, for one, would like to thank THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT for our victories Tuesday. Couldn’t’ve done it withoutcha, abortion army.
Yes, Team Democracy is Good, Actually (Also We Are Not Maniacs) notched wins all over the place, from the Kentucky governorship to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court to the New Jersey legislature. Don’t forget the abortion rights ballot measure in Ohio, though of course Republicans have not yet abandoned hope of concocting some trickery or other to nullify the electorate’s clearly expressed will.
Oh, and we flipped the Virginia state House and held the Senate. Glenn Youngkin turned out to be one of those overrated prospects who ultimately couldn’t handle big league pitching, but at least he’ll have all those sad, desperate Glenn Will Surely Save Us thinkpieces to keep him warm through the lame duck years.
And, as everyone knows, every time a wingnut loses an election, an angel gets a donut, but when a community rejects a Moms For Liberty school board candidate, it’s a maple-glazed long john with a big ol’ slab of bacon on top. I figure it’s probably best if folks who call the cops on librarians aren’t consulted on what our children are taught. Plus, it’s okay, angels don’t have arteries to harden.
Well now I want a donut. And a beer. If you’re interested in supporting my super-healthy lifestyle, I take Venmo and PayPal now. Plus, I’d love t’see you on the email list at showercapblog.com, or on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can be found @john_luzar. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, my friend.
Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs (Ferret)
I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got pelted with rocks till he ran away. The little girl in the Nancy Mace costume was particularly exuberant.
(As ever, links n’ shininess await those who click here: https://showercapblog.com/joni-hates-tommy-and-other-underappreciated-happy-days-spinoffs/)
Creationist weirdo Mike Johnson officially launched his speakership by taking the Israel aid package hostage in order to blow up the deficit for the benefit of wealthy tax cheats, because why shouldn’t the GOP’s donor class profit from the largest mass murder of Jews since the Holocaust?
Mike also hired Fox’s Big Lie fall guy, Raj Shah, to run caucus comms, because no one who hadn’t cost their previous employer $787 million applied for the gig, I guess.
Still, after weeks of paralysis, MJ’s got the House up and running again, addressing the issues that matter most to the American public. Biden administration officials ain’t gonna reduce their own salaries to a dollar, y’know. Next on the docket: revenge on th’gays for causing the fall of the Roman Empire.
International moron of mystery George Santos survived an expulsion vote, largely because Republicans’re worried they’ll accidentally impeach Sean Hannity if their majority gets any narrower.
Why, they weren’t even able to pass the Jewish space laser lady’s resolution censuring Rashida Tlaib for the high crime of Speaking While Muslim. Absorbing defeat with her customary grace, Marj railed against all the squishy RINO cucks, with their vaping and their groping, who would rather get freaky at Beetlejuice than assassinate Nancy Pelosi.
After all these months of chaos and dysfunction, you’re no doubt thinking to yourself, “this looks like a job for Trent Franks!” because some problems can only be solved by a great big creep. Like the deficit, for example. See, when a Congressman offers a staffer $5 million to bear his child, that bribe is actually taxed at an exorbitant rate, under the Skeevy Old Man Act of 1855.
In the subterranean tunnels where the moderate morlocks dwell, legends tell of Ken Buck, a man of such unshakable principle that he once stood athwart the tide of madness that had overtaken his party for something like five and half days before capitulating completely. Immediately following his epic near-week of valorousness, Ken decided to flee Congress altogether, lest he be called upon to actually stand for something a second time.
Demonstrating uncharacteristic good judgment, Mike Pence suspended his “presidential campaign” rather than risk lynching for the right to arm-wrestle Doug Burgum for half a delegate in Iowa. I’m sure Pence still has a bright future ahead of him, breaking into hotel rooms to scratch out the naughty bits in the bedside Bibles.
Elsewhere in the Race for Second Place, Ron DeSantis issued an urgent call for donations to fund the even-higher heels he’ll soon require to see over Nikki Haley as he shrinks ever further into nothingness. History will remember Ron, to the extent he’s remembered at all, as an unusually short book-banner.
In these polarized times, I think it’s important to focus, whenever possible, on the things that unite rather than divide us, and I believe there’s a real opportunity for Americans of all political persuasions to come together over our shared disdain for Tommy Tuberville.
Like, much to my surprise, I found myself cheering on Joni Ernst of all people, watching her rip Tommy’s asshole out through his left nostril on the Senate floor. Is this what bipartisanship feels like? I tell you what, I’m gonna give hog castration another look.
Despite the abovementioned sphincterectomy, Tuberville had a message for General Eric Smith, the Marine Corps commandant who’s currently hospitalized following a heart attack after weeks of overwork due to a certain human drain clog’s petulance: “Suck it up, buttercup! Runnin’ a branch of the U.S. military can’t be any harder than coachin’ football, and look at the smooth-brained dipshits they hire to do that!”
Speaking of wingnut Senators getting spanked, preening lickspittle Josh Hawley’s attempt to generate Fox Nooz content at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas’ expense didn’t go as planned. Haven’t seen Josh so eager to escape the consequences of his own shitty behavior since the Capitol Riot.
For assaulting police officers during said riot, former Turd Reich State Department official Federico Klein was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, where he hopes to join the musical recording group fronted by cognitive test-passing sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump, which is already way, way bigger than Taylor Swift.
On the white-collar side of the insurrection, John Eastman was found "culpable for ethics breaches,” a big step towards disbarment and potentially joining the cooperating witness firm of Powell, Chesebro, Ellis & Hall.
Eric Trump wildly exceeded expectations when he took the stand in the family grift’s corporate death penalty trial this week, for though he pitched a fit and got caught in several lies and likely blew the entire case, he somehow managed to get through two days of testimony without eating a single booger.
Elsewhere on the legal front this week, the Dotard saw one gag order reinstated, then paused, and another expanded to include his dirtbag lawyers. Princess Ivanka’s bid to get out of testifying “because motherhood” flopped. Oh, and “Claim About Trump’s ‘Small’ Genital Organ Going All The Way To Supreme Court,” I’m told.
There’s a war on Halloween in this country, y’know. No one says “trick or treat” anymore, just this politically correct “you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult…there is legit darkness that can be channeled…don't even play around with it” shit from wokesters like Charlie Kirk.
At the same time, we should be honest about what happens at the other extreme. I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t even aware of the scourge of young fathers using this pagan holiday as an excuse to spend time with their children until I heard about it from Jesse Watters.
Of course, so much of the news lately is just…hate. Anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. From the Right and the Left. And I don’t know how to deal with it here. Maybe a just a litany of atrocity?
Well, there was the lynch mob at the Russian airport and all the shit going down on college campuses across the nation and oh yeah somebody hacked a highway sign in Georgia to read “Heil Hitler” and Jesse Watters and Mark Levin were predictably awful and then there’s United States Representative Brian Mast proclaiming, on the floor of the House, that all Palestinians are basically Nazis and therefore permissible to exterminate.
Good lord.
Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s disheartening. And I don’t know what the answer is, beyond the continued vigilant citizenship of decent people like yourself.
So stay safe out there, my friend; the world’s gonna need you at your best. (As always, if you’d like to support the blog, you can sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or pitch in for a brew or two if you’re so inclined.)
Congratulations to Mike Johnson, America's 56th and Creepiest House Speaker! (Ferret)
Apparently, there’s a manifestly unwell man in an ill-fitting suit wandering into and periodically storming out of New York City courtrooms, shitting himself and screeching threats at judges and prosecutors, who, I am told, is the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
(As ever, nooz links aplenty await those who click here: https://showercapblog.com/congratulations-to-mike-johnson-americas-56th-and-creepiest-house-speaker-2/)
Honestly, I wonder if he isn’t overstimulating his little death cult with so many targets; these are not people with the mental capacity to multitask. “Should I go after Judge Engoron, or his clerk? Mark Meadows has been granted immunity, but now I see Ivanka’s testifying, too. And what about ‘Maggot Hagerman?’ A nail gun’s only got so many nails, y’know.”
Ah well. Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, wannabe autocrats gotta feed perceived enemies to the stochastic murder mob. With the gag order violation fines piling up so quickly, I hope the rubes’re ready to pony up for another round of NFTs, or perhaps a line of commemorative handcuffs.
When he’s not trying to get witnesses or members of the legal profession killed, Inmate P01135809 stays busy working up plans to pull out of NATO, (“Hungary, Turkey, who can keep ‘em straight?”) and blabbing our national secrets to every foreign billionaire who pays the Marm-a-Lago membership fee. If there ever was anything worth hiding in Area 51, it’s surely been dismembered with Saudi bone saws by now.
Anyway, I know I’ve been pretty hard on ol’ Donnie Dotard over the years, but now that I’ve had time to ruminate upon his revolutionary insight into the spelling of the word “us,” I confess I’m giving him another look. Maybe he’s the very stable genius America needs right now; this one time, he correctly identified a picture of a horsie.
Fani Willis’ collection of “21st century American traitors pleading guilty” Hummel figurines is coming along nicely, and I think the Sobbing Jenna Ellis looks just charming next to the De-Krakenized Sidney Powell and the Boy Howdy Did I Ever Fuck Up Kenneth Chesebro. Shoot, if the rumors are true, she’ll need a whole dedicated shelf soon.
Chaos in the House of Representatives escalated to the point where Republicans briefly elevated jug-band frontmuppet Emmet Otter to the post of Speaker-Designate, before…hang on, I’m receiving a correction…wait, what? What’s a “Tom Emmer?”
Never mind, doesn’t matter now, since, as Tim discovered, there’s nothing wingnuts enjoy more than overturning an election they lost. Proclaimed insufficiently disloyal to the U.S. Constitution and dubbed a “globalist RINO” by Off-Brand Orbán, he was swiftly sent packing to whatever sad, jug-bandless existence he previously led.
And thus concluded the Last Ride of the Moderates, as Ken Buck and co. decided that sticking to their stated principles for more than a week would be far too exhausting, so if anybody could dig up an insurrectionist who adhered to a more traditional dress code than Gym Jordan, they’d happily return to their natural, capitulatory state.
As if on cue, something called “Mike Johnson” emerged from the tank in the back of the meth lab lab where Matt Gaetz takes teenagers on dates. Cloned from crusty genetic material scraped off the manikin dressed like Ronald Reagan in Mike Pence’s basement, Johnson is the skeeviest little would-be theocrat you’ve never heard of.
An acolyte of faux historian David Barton, Mike’s one of those “bad things happen because God punishes people for disagreeing with me” types, who wants to criminalize gay sex and abortion, and espouses a diet, caffeine-free version of the Great Replacement Theory. Oh, and he was a leader of the conspiracy to end American democracy forever, almost forgot.
But since he doesn’t fling poo at the walls during hearings, the Buck/Bacon crowd imagines they can pass Johnson off as some kind of statesman. Good luck with that. You can shout down reporters asking inconvenient questions, but it won’t be long before your swing district incumbents have second thoughts about rallying behind an opposition researcher’s wettest possible dream.
Still, America’ll be great again in no time with Mike in charge, with birthing vessels churnin’ out more than enough “able-bodied workers” to keep entitlement programs funded for years to come.
Baffling experts, somehow Sean Hannity’s extensive MMA training wasn’t enough to thwart the latest mass shooter’s murderous rampage, but I bet our shiny new Speaker’s prayers (and I found it refreshingly clarifying that Johnson didn’t bother to offer any “thoughts”) cleared the whole gun violence thing up once and for all.
Gotta get me one of them “Supreme Court Justice” gigs, cuz Clarence Thomas’ life looks pretty fuckin’ sweet, doesn’t it? Part-time job stripping women of their fundamental human rights, gets to spend the rest of his time just strolling around, pointing at stuff he wants his various billionaire sugar daddies to buy for him.
“I want an RV, Daddy!” And lo and behold, an RV appears in the driveway. My belief is that sending the entire Republican SCOTUS majority on a field trip to the Wonka factory would brighten the nation’s outlook considerably.
Blake Masters announced a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, cheating America of the sublime obscenity of a primary face-off with Kari Lake. I’m beyond disappointed. Those debates would’ve been like outtakes from a Ken Russell movie. Set in a circus. Where the clowns like to throw up on one another. During sex acts.
Hard to tell if Elon’s more upset about his $44 billion toy’s plummeting usage metrics, or that statue of seditious loser Robert E. Lee getting melted down. I suppose we’d have to ask his new, teenaged, anti-Semitic BFF.
And Michigan state Rep. Rachelle Smit handed out participation trophies to a couple of shitbags from that plot to kidnap Governor Whitmer, in case anyone’s worried we aren’t normalizing domestic terrorism fast enough.
Well, I’m gonna grab a beer and sift through the rest of the Mike Johnson oppo dump. Gonna take at least a twelve-pack, I figure, so all beer donations are welcome. You can also support th’blog by joining the email list at showercapblog.com, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. And by staying safe out there in our mad, mad, mad, mad world. See you next week, friend.
Jim Jordan is the Michael Jordon of Not Getting Elected Speaker (Ferret!)
A herd of rampaging dumpster fires stampeded up to the threshold of the United States House of Representatives, came to a full stop, and laughed, loudly, derisively, and for several hours at the spectacle they beheld within. Watching the House GOP attempt to govern the nation is like watching 221 monkeys fuck 217 footballs.
(Links n’ such here: https://showercapblog.com/jim-jordan-is-the-michael-jordan-of-not-getting-elected-speaker/)
Following the ritual shanking of insufficiently batshit candidates Kevin McCarthy and Steve “David Duke Without the Ability to Count” Scalise, the feral assclowns of the Freedumb Caucus coalesced around Jim Jordan, as the greatest of all available evils. And wackiness ensued.
To the surprise and delight of naturalists the world over, Jordan’s nomination effected the emergence of a species long believed to be mythical: the legendary “Moderate Republican.” For once, the Bucks n’ Bacons of the world actually stood their ground a bit, proudly bellowing “Y’know what? Let’s stick to low-calorie fascism this time, I’m watching my weight!”
But Gym wasn’t about to walk away from this opportunity like it was some collegiate wrestler asking his coach to protect him from sexual abuse, nosireebob. Determined to pull out all the stops, he put on a jacket and…well, he was pretty much out of ideas after that.
Except for threats, of course. Anonymous threats, sent to spouses. Threats of violence. Death threats. Threats that necessitated law enforcement protection for Congressmen’s children.
That was Team Jordan’s entire plan, after last week’s humiliating defeat: let the dissenters spend a weekend stewing in the MAGA mob’s rage, figuring the specter of the next hammer-wielding psycho turning up on their doorstep would be enough to ensure subservience.
Which is, y’know…fascism. That’s how fascists solve problems like “the majority of people don’t want me to be in charge.”
And it didn’t work, (this time) thank all the gods in all the heavens. Instead, we were treated to a weeklong episode of the Jim Jordan Tries and Fails to Get His Balls Unstuck From His Zipper Show, which, it turns out, is like the C-SPAN version of Shark Week. A laugh-a-minute thrill ride. Highly recommended.
The tentpoles, of course, were the floor votes, which Jordan lost by increasing margins. He briefly floated a “plan” that would’ve permitted him to cling to his precious “Speaker designate” tiara until January, which proved as successful as every other endeavor from his accomplishment-free, sixteen-year congressional career.
Ultimately, Gymbo’s dreams of joining the presidential line of succession died in a closed-door meeting, where the anonymity granted by a secret ballot enabled the Kowardly Kakistocrat Kaucus to complete their latest defenestration free from any hammer-related fears.
Anyway, the Speaker Games resume next Tuesday. Announced or rumored candidates include Tom Emmer, Byron Donalds, Harvey Dent, Pete Sessions, Humbert Humbert, Kevin Hern, Jack Bergman, James Woods, Jodey Arrington, A Teddy Ruxpin Doll Containing a Recording of Strom Thurmond Yelling at a Hispanic Waitress, Mark Green, and the guy Lauren Boebert jacked off at Beetlejuice.
Meanwhile, McCarthy has holed up in the Speaker’s office, claiming to have amassed a sufficient stash of fun-size 3 Musketeers to wait out any potential government shutdown, insisting the nougat-based diet “only increases (his) already formidable powers.”
The kraken has been RELEASED…on probation! Yes, Sidney Powell confessed to her role in the plot to curb-stomp American democracy, and will testify against her co-conspirators at future trials. Unless the Dotard wins next November, in which case she shall be appointed Attorney General, or at the very least granted the opportunity to win the post from Jeffrey Clark via trial by combat.
In the kraken’s wake, autogolpe architect Kenneth Chesebro took a plea deal of his own, and it turns out my love language is traitors pleading guilty to felonies.
Joining Sidney and Ken ‘neath the Consequences Fairy’s paddle are Michigan fake elector James Renner, Capitol rioter Rachel Marie Powell, and Twitter troll/election fraudster Douglass Mackey. While I’m sure the fucking around part was more enjoyable for you creeps than the finding out part, know that my own personal experience of your respective journeys has been more or less the opposite. I don’t know if that’s any consolation. Kinda hope it’s not.
As for Off-Brand Orbán, he passes his days accumulating and violating gag orders, breaking up the monotony of endless trials and depositions by shitting on the armed forces, (he described U.S. military officials as “some of the dumbest people I’ve ever met in my life,” which I think can only be viewed as evidence that he clandestinely appointed Junior n’ Eric to the National Security Council) and finally coming clean about who’s really been eating all those babies.
The seeds of stochastic terrorism once again bore fruit, as a wingnut radio-addled Illinois landlord stabbed a 6-year-old Palestinian-American boy to death, while critically wounding his mother. I guess you have to just hope you’re not within knife/nail gun/AR-15 range of any of these shitbags when they finally snap, huh?
Iowa’s schoolchildren have been successfully protected from the corrupting influence of literary masterpieces like 1984, Brave New World, and Slaughterhouse-Five, with their frankly satanic references to the regrettable truth that human beings do sex sometimes. Now let’s get to work filling up that suddenly available shelf space with shiny, new copies of The Turner Diaries, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and other, similarly wholesome fare!
Speaking of righteous crusades against heathen liberalism, in Arkansas, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders banned “woke” terms like “womxn,” “birth-giver,” and “why have you been doctoring public records, Governor?”
Let’s see, what else is going on in conservative politics? Major Republican Donor Who Called Barack Obama the N-Word Dies After Attempting to Kill His Wife In Murder-Suicide Gone Awry…I think that one stands up without further comment from me.
I suppose we should check in with Dale at the Is Tommy Tuberville Still Prattling On About Poetry in the Military Desk. Hey Dale, is Tommy Tuberville still prattling on about poetry in the military?
Dale at the Is Tommy Tuberville Still Prattling On About Poetry in the Military Desk: Yup.
Figured as much. Thanks Dale, talk soon!
Seems Harlan Crow still had enough money left over after bankrolling Clarence Thomas’ extravagant lifestyle and amassing a collection of Adolf Hitler’s paintings to deposit the maximum legal contribution into Cornel West’s campaign account. I guess when you believe in socialism n’ equality as much as Harlan does, you budget accordingly.
Dark Brandon established a beachhead in enemy territory, not only launching a profile on Truth Social after distracting CEO Devin Nunes with a comely Holstein heifer, but swiftly amassing more followers than Inmate P01135809 himself. Beating Donald Trump like a drum: it’s just what Joe Biden does.
Joe’s been keeping pretty busy, actually, delivering killer speeches, getting hostages released, and generally leading the free world while the domestic opposition self-immolates, but he still finds time to send thoughtful little surprises to his colleagues in the international community. Hope you enjoyed the ATACMS, Pooty-Poo!
Anyway, a big, fat, sloppy shout-out to the voters of Poland, for delivering a desperately needed W in the global battle against authoritarian fuckheadery. If any of y’all wanna swing by to give seminars, you can crash on my couch. The pizza rolls and Ninja Turtle fruit snacks are off-limits, obviously.
Lordy. Well, at any rate, Jim Jordan will not be Speaker of the House, and I will drink to that. I will drink to that for several days consecutively, in fact. The ol’ beer fridge will surely require a restock, especially if I’m to get through whatever nonsense the coming week brings, though you can always support the blog for free by joining the email list, or following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Stay safe out there, my friend; may you live to see the day the U.S. government starts functioning again…
Congratulations, Speaker Scal- Excuse Me, Speaker Jord- Y'know What? Screw It. (Ferret)
Boy, we really covered ourselves in glory this week, didn’t we? As a species? Hey evolution, if you’re listening, next time ‘round, let the sense of right and wrong simmer a little longer, before you start distributing opposable thumbs.
(Makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/congratulations-speaker-scal-excuse-me-speaker-jord-yknow-what-screw-it/)
Not since she swapped her family name for a fleeting sniff of power has RNC Chairdolt Ronna Definitelynotromney seen such a “great opportunity” as the one presented by Hamas’ barbaric terrorist incursion into Israel. I suppose that’s just the sort of thing one says once the moral decay finally rots out the last remaining corner of one’s soul.
Republicans certainly seized the “opportunity,” giddily spreading lies like “It took Biden days to say he stands with Israel,” and “Biden personally delivered $6 billion in unmarked bills to Gaza in a ‘76 Camaro.” Wingnut media spent one particularly fruitful afternoon collectively pretending the White House calling a “lid” meant “Joe n’ Hunter got an 8 ball and rented all the Police Academy movies while the world burned.”
If you’re trying to figure out what’s actually going on in the world, stay the fuck off (the hellsite formerly known as) Twitter, now that the world’s second-most-destructive billionaire narcissist has transformed the once essential source of up-to-the-moment, on the ground news into an unnavigable quagmire of malignant misinformation.
Elon himself elected to steer his 160 million followers to known liars and anti-Semites, which he has instructed his lawyers to blame on the ADL.
Seems like a particularly healthy time for Texas Republicans to grapple with the not-at-all-difficult question of whether or not it is desirable to associate with, accept political donations from, and/or plan miniature golf outings alongside white supremacists.
Actually, Republicans’re flunking this extremely basic test of fundamental human decency all over the place, as demonstrated by the following roundup of totally normal, exceptionally healthy, not-at-all-terrifying headlines:
White supremacist group delivers show of force for Franklin mayoral candidate Gabrielle Hanson
Charlie Kirk hosts white nationalist writer Steve Sailer to attack minorities
Ex-Trump official called for purging Jews from media using pseudonym
And my personal favorite:
Trump Doral event with Eric Trump will feature a Hitler-promoting antisemite who killed someone
Now, as a general rule, I don’t like to shit on the Left here, but I need to take a minute to shit on the Left here, because many of the self-proclaimed progessivest progressives in all the land decided to climb atop the highest of horses to declare that Murdering Children is Good, Actually, Because Colonization or Some Shit, and Anyway How Many Children’re We Really Talking About Here, which is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad take. Y’all can cleanse the entire length of my colon with your paraglider memes.
Praising terrorists looks like lonely work, (as it fucking well should be) but you little creeps can cuddle up under the covers with your new bedfellow: Donald J. Trump, who agreed that Hamas and Hezbollah are “very smart,” in between rants about whale-killing windmills and Hannibal Lecter’s endorsement. You deserve each other.
Emotionally unstable freshman GOP Congressthug Derrick Van Orden directed his latest ragegasm at Biden Administration Israel briefers, rather than teenagers, as has been his habit, which I guess is what passes for growth in MAGA culture.
In such batguano-encrusted times, one thing that sure would come in handy is a Congress capable of passing laws or confirming appointments or other such Congressy things, but alas, there’re far too many Republicans for that.
Yes, it’s SpeakerBowl 2023: Part Deux in the House That Gaetz Broke, and while this boondoggle certainly would’ve been plenty insufferable even without Nancy Mace triggering flashbacks of mandatory high school Hawthorne, you have to respect her devotion to traditional Republican self-beclowning rituals.
Steve “David Duke without the whip count” Scalise defeated Gym Jordan on the initial closed-door secret ballot, which might’ve meant something in a culture less devoted to the principle of loser supremacy. Jordan dead-enders found Scalise’s history with white supremacists enticing, but ultimately decided only an election-denying, subpoena-defying abuse enabler would do, so Steve scampered away without putting up a fight. Leadership!
Jordan narrowly edged late entrant Congressman Alreadyforgothisname (R-Someplace, surely) in a second round of voting on Friday afternoon, only to faceplant on the follow-up ballot, where he asked his colleagues to please, please refrain from doing to him what he just did Scalise, falling a whopping 65 votes short of the 217 required to win a majority on the House floor, which is frankly the most encouraging news to come out of the GOP since Arlen Specter switched parties.
Anyway, they’ve gone home for the weekend, to plot against one another, and maybe flip through The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Running a Congressional Majority…those that can read, anyhow.
(Meanwhile, Kevin McCarthy lurks in the background, holding a half-eaten box of stale Valentine’s chocolates, upon which he has scribbled “Settle 4 Me Maybe?”)
Apparent baby thief George Santos landed himself a superseding indictment, and now faces a nearly Trumpworthy 23 federal counts, including wire fraud, access device fraud, sweater fraud, falsifying records, the illegal transfer of delicious breakfast cereal to the Trix Rabbit, identity theft, and conspiring with Nicolas Cage to steal the Declaration of Independence. A few New York Republicans finally introduced a resolution to expel the little twerp, but his party’s more likely to approve one allowing members to complete their terms from prison.
Speaking of superseding indictments, seems soon-to-be-ex-New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez operated as an unregistered agent of the Egyptian government while chairing the Foreign Relations Committee. Allegedly. Unlike in certain political parties I could mention, it appears Bob’s (alleged) crimes’re having a negative impact on his future political prospects. What a concept!
In Arkansas, Lecterngate continues to pick up steam, amidst rumors the podium in question once briefly served as a temporary resting spot for a public library copy of Gender Queer.
Well, after his blathering quackery failed to gain traction in the non-death cult party’s primary, RFK Jr. dropped out to run as an independent, and suddenly all the right-wing ratfuckers realized a Jill Stein, But For Anti-Vaxxers option on the ballot would only divide the coalition of the deranged, so out came the knives. I woulda stopped creating Frankensteins after the first one, fellas, but that’s just me.
Condolences to all the Hurdamaniacs out there who won’t get to coquettishly bat their eyes at the precinct captains from the Haley and Burgum campaigns during the Iowa caucuses. That would’ve been a really special night for all seven of you.
So, yeah…it’s pretty fucking gross out there, and I hope you and your loved ones figure out some way to stay safe n’ sane. If yer so inclined, you can support these rants by signing up on the email list, following @john_luzar, or contributing a brew or two to the ol’ beer fridge. No worries either way. Go think about something else for a few days, you deserve it.
Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye (Ferret)
There once was a boy called Kevin McSomething, who ventured out into the world, looking to swap his soul for something shiny and hollow. The old witch who lived in the dumpster in back of the abandoned Blockbuster Video offered him half a pack of stale cookie dough bites and a VHS copy of Turner & Hooch, but Kevin said, “Oh, I bet I can get MUCH less than that!” and on he skipped, tra lee, tra la, until he came upon the Republican Party.
(As ever, links and the shiniest of colors await those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey-goodbye/)
The rest, sad to say, is history, and if literacy is still a thing when we come out the other side of this shitshow, the textbooks will remember Speaker McCarthy as perhaps the single bootlickingest stooge in the craven cabal that sought to sell American democracy to a game show host who regularly brags about passing a cognitive test. Ask not for whom the face-eating leopard yowls, Kevin; it yowls for thee.
Under the terms McCarthy shrewdly negotiated with those unmatched leadership skillz of his, the Speaker serves at the pleasure of the skeeviest attention whore in his caucus, so Matt Gaetz pulverized a couple Viagra tablets, snorted ‘em off Andy Biggs’ ass, and dispatched his boss to a farm upstate, where he’ll have plenty of room to run around and play with the other “Young Guns.”
Naturally, the Party of Personal Responsibility™️ blamed Keville Chamberlain’s defenestration on Democrats, who were supposed to bail their election-denying, default-threatening, sham impeachment-pushing, fascism-enabling asses out “for the good of the country.” Why, the mewling “moderates” who cave to the radical fringe every. single. motherfucking. time. are even squawking about quitting the Problem Solvers Caucus.
GASP!
Not…THE PROBLEM SOLVERS CAUCUS!
(I assume you have fainted and recovered by now. Moving on.)
Kevin kicked off his Speaker Emeritus phase with all the class and dignity we’ve come to expect from him, ordering his buffoonish placeholder replacement to evict Nancy Pelosi from her office, while she attended Diane Feinstein’s funeral in California, so he could move in. Go for it, bro; you’ll always look two inches tall in her shadow.
Now he’s talking about fleeing Congress altogether. Good. May you pass the remainder of your days in sandpaper underpants, you spineless chickenshit.
Anyway, now begins the assclown slap fight for the worst job in Washington. Who will emerge from the morass as the next Grand High Turd of the Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus? Will it be Steve “David Duke Sans Baggage” Scalise? Gym “Feel Free to Molest Wrestlers in the Cloakroom” Jordan, who earned the coveted endorsement of Inmate P01135809? Or possibly Kevin “Also a Congressman, Apparently” Hern?
Better vote quick, campers, cuz George Santos could be hauled off to prison at any moment, especially now that his former campaign treasurer has taken a plea deal, and implicated him in campaign finance fraud.
John Kelly confirmed all those stories about the Velveeta Vulgarian calling our troops “losers” and rubbing his butt on the graves of the fallen and whatnot are totally true, a revelation that will surely cost him electoral support with an evangelical base that’s notoriously as repelled by disrespect for the military as they are by lying, stealing, inciting violence, and illegally paying thousands of dollars to conceal extramarital affairs with porn stars.
Barred from all the really cool one-percenter clubs after falling off the Forbes 400, Off-Brand Orbán aimlessly wandered the streets of New York until he stumbled, purely by chance, into one of the many courtrooms where he’s on trial. He lingered for a few days to antagonize the judge, which is the sort of thing only the very stablest of geniuses do.
He earned himself a gag order, for dropping Judge Engoron’s principal law clerk in his loyal murder mob’s crosshairs, (with an assist from the shrieking heads at Fox Nooz) as part of his ongoing campaign to terrorize the justice system into submission. Beyond that, he mostly just whined about not getting the jury trial his own equally stable, equally genius lawyers declined to request.
Say, if there’re any spare gag orders laying around, maybe somebody can get this goon to stop blabbing our nuclear secrets to every foreign billionaire and Russian intelligence officer that wanders by? Probably wouldn’t hurt to discourage the Hitler-y language, while we’re at it.
Meanwhile, the Dotard dropped his retaliatory lawsuit against Michael Cohen, rather than sit for a deposition under oath, amidst the customary cavalcade of legal setbacks. (With more to come, given the inanity of the week’s fresh filings.)
“How many voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb,” asked Greg Gutfeld, Fox’s resident comedian. “Trick question, elections don’t work, try civil war instead!” Greg’ll get his very own sitcom in the Reich to come, about a single dad trying to raise a couple of (white) kids on a concentration camp guard’s salary, called Who’s the Gruppenführer?
In a desperate bid to get someone to pay his legal bills, outstanding taxes, and tab at Four Seasons Total Malt Liquor, Rudy Giuliani announced he’s suing the President, alleging Biden ruined his reputation. Unless you’ve got footage of Joe donning a hyper-realistic, Mission: Impossible-style Rudy mask right before every single one of your public appearances over the last five years, I don’t like your chances, kid.
Speaking of unpaid bills, seems the pillow money finally ran out, leaving Mike Lindell lawyerless before the voting machine companies he’s been so vigorously defaming. In the end, Dominion may have to settle for Fox’s $787 million plus a coupon for 20% off a shitty comforter.
It’s actually been a banner week for stories about shitbags going broke, which brings us to Lil’ Ronnie DiSappointus, who finds himself with barely enough cash on hand to cover the funnel cake budget on the state fair circuit. Pro tip to any GOP megadonors reading this: next time, maybe check to make sure your boy can approximate human facial expressions before investing too many millions.
Plus, rumor has it the state of Arkansas may soon file for bankruptcy, under the crushing weight of Governor Sarah Huckleberry Slanders’ $20,000-a-day podium habit.
Busloads of antifas descended upon Vivek Ramaswamy’s car in Iowa, seeking to tear the prattling gadfly limb from limb for loving America too much. Okay, admittedly, that didn’t technically “happen,” but I heard it from this furry kid who was shitting in a litter box, so I reported it anyway.
New Jersey State Assembly candidate Joseph Viso is sorry about that one time he smeared feces on that one children’s daycare center, he was simply upset because “Obama came into office the year before.” How Obama was responsible for Viso’s 2016 conviction for conspiracy to distribute Methylone was unclear at press time.
So, some prime specimen of MAGA masculinity got arrested for carrying a handgun in the Wisconsin Capitol, while shirtlessly seeking an impromptu audience with Governor Tony Evers, which is the sort of thing that happens every day now, in our exceptionally healthy democracy. I only bring it up because as soon as the little freak posted bail, he returned to the Capitol, this time with an assault rifle. Alas, the dude was hospitalized before he could complete the trifecta, with a nail gun or a Sherman tank or whatever.
Well, it took the full fury of the dastardly deep state, but Lara Trump’s cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” has been successfully cheated of its rightful place as our next national anthem. When you look the song up on Spotify, Dr. Fauci shows up at your front door and administers a special, ivermectin-proof variant of the Covid vaccine that beams Hillary Clinton speeches directly into your mind via 5G.
Speaking of Hillary, she triggered Cult45 again, by calling them a cult, which is what they are. WHY, IT’S THE BASKET OF DEPLORABLES COMMENT ALL OVER AGAIN, they screeched…from their basket.
Okay, that’s about all I can stand for one week. If you’re still readin’, and you want to support the blog, I’m rebuilding the following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter @john_luzar, in addition to the email list at showercapblog.com, plus there’s always room for another 6 pack in the ol’ beer fridge. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, chum…
Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye (Ferret)
There once was a boy called Kevin McSomething, who ventured out into the world, looking to swap his soul for something shiny and hollow. The old witch who lived in the dumpster in back of the abandoned Blockbuster Video offered him half a pack of stale cookie dough bites and a VHS copy of Turner & Hooch, but Kevin said, “Oh, I bet I can get MUCH less than that!” and on he skipped, tra lee, tra la, until he came upon the Republican Party.
(As ever, links and the shiniest of colors await those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey-goodbye/)
The rest, sad to say, is history, and if literacy is still a thing when we come out the other side of this shitshow, the textbooks will remember Speaker McCarthy as perhaps the single bootlickingest stooge in the craven cabal that sought to sell American democracy to a game show host who regularly brags about passing a cognitive test. Ask not for whom the face-eating leopard yowls, Kevin; it yowls for thee.
Under the terms McCarthy shrewdly negotiated with those unmatched leadership skillz of his, the Speaker serves at the pleasure of the skeeviest attention whore in his caucus, so Matt Gaetz pulverized a couple Viagra tablets, snorted ‘em off Andy Biggs’ ass, and dispatched his boss to a farm upstate, where he’ll have plenty of room to run around and play with the other “Young Guns.”
Naturally, the Party of Personal Responsibility™️ blamed Keville Chamberlain’s defenestration on Democrats, who were supposed to bail their election-denying, default-threatening, sham impeachment-pushing, fascism-enabling asses out “for the good of the country.” Why, the mewling “moderates” who cave to the radical fringe every. single. motherfucking. time. are even squawking about quitting the Problem Solvers Caucus.
GASP!
Not…THE PROBLEM SOLVERS CAUCUS!
(I assume you have fainted and recovered by now. Moving on.)
Kevin kicked off his Speaker Emeritus phase with all the class and dignity we’ve come to expect from him, ordering his buffoonish placeholder replacement to evict Nancy Pelosi from her office, while she attended Diane Feinstein’s funeral in California, so he could move in. Go for it, bro; you’ll always look two inches tall in her shadow.
Now he’s talking about fleeing Congress altogether. Good. May you pass the remainder of your days in sandpaper underpants, you spineless chickenshit.
Anyway, now begins the assclown slap fight for the worst job in Washington. Who will emerge from the morass as the next Grand High Turd of the Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus? Will it be Steve “David Duke Sans Baggage” Scalise? Gym “Feel Free to Molest Wrestlers in the Cloakroom” Jordan, who earned the coveted endorsement of Inmate P01135809? Or possibly Kevin “Also a Congressman, Apparently” Hern?
Better vote quick, campers, cuz George Santos could be hauled off to prison at any moment, especially now that his former campaign treasurer has taken a plea deal, and implicated him in campaign finance fraud.
John Kelly confirmed all those stories about the Velveeta Vulgarian calling our troops “losers” and rubbing his butt on the graves of the fallen and whatnot are totally true, a revelation that will surely cost him electoral support with an evangelical base that’s notoriously as repelled by disrespect for the military as they are by lying, stealing, inciting violence, and illegally paying thousands of dollars to conceal extramarital affairs with porn stars.
Barred from all the really cool one-percenter clubs after falling off the Forbes 400, Off-Brand Orbán aimlessly wandered the streets of New York until he stumbled, purely by chance, into one of the many courtrooms where he’s on trial. He lingered for a few days to antagonize the judge, which is the sort of thing only the very stablest of geniuses do.
He earned himself a gag order, for dropping Judge Engoron’s principal law clerk in his loyal murder mob’s crosshairs, (with an assist from the shrieking heads at Fox Nooz) as part of his ongoing campaign to terrorize the justice system into submission. Beyond that, he mostly just whined about not getting the jury trial his own equally stable, equally genius lawyers declined to request.
Say, if there’re any spare gag orders laying around, maybe somebody can get this goon to stop blabbing our nuclear secrets to every foreign billionaire and Russian intelligence officer that wanders by? Probably wouldn’t hurt to discourage the Hitler-y language, while we’re at it.
Meanwhile, the Dotard dropped his retaliatory lawsuit against Michael Cohen, rather than sit for a deposition under oath, amidst the customary cavalcade of legal setbacks. (With more to come, given the inanity of the week’s fresh filings.)
“How many voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb,” asked Greg Gutfeld, Fox’s resident comedian. “Trick question, elections don’t work, try civil war instead!” Greg’ll get his very own sitcom in the Reich to come, about a single dad trying to raise a couple of (white) kids on a concentration camp guard’s salary, called Who’s the Gruppenführer?
In a desperate bid to get someone to pay his legal bills, outstanding taxes, and tab at Four Seasons Total Malt Liquor, Rudy Giuliani announced he’s suing the President, alleging Biden ruined his reputation. Unless you’ve got footage of Joe donning a hyper-realistic, Mission: Impossible-style Rudy mask right before every single one of your public appearances over the last five years, I don’t like your chances, kid.
Speaking of unpaid bills, seems the pillow money finally ran out, leaving Mike Lindell lawyerless before the voting machine companies he’s been so vigorously defaming. In the end, Dominion may have to settle for Fox’s $787 million plus a coupon for 20% off a shitty comforter.
It’s actually been a banner week for stories about shitbags going broke, which brings us to Lil’ Ronnie DiSappointus, who finds himself with barely enough cash on hand to cover the funnel cake budget on the state fair circuit. Pro tip to any GOP megadonors reading this: next time, maybe check to make sure your boy can approximate human facial expressions before investing too many millions.
Plus, rumor has it the state of Arkansas may soon file for bankruptcy, under the crushing weight of Governor Sarah Huckleberry Slanders’ $20,000-a-day podium habit.
Busloads of antifas descended upon Vivek Ramaswamy’s car in Iowa, seeking to tear the prattling gadfly limb from limb for loving America too much. Okay, admittedly, that didn’t technically “happen,” but I heard it from this furry kid who was shitting in a litter box, so I reported it anyway.
New Jersey State Assembly candidate Joseph Viso is sorry about that one time he smeared feces on that one children’s daycare center, he was simply upset because “Obama came into office the year before.” How Obama was responsible for Viso’s 2016 conviction for conspiracy to distribute Methylone was unclear at press time.
So, some prime specimen of MAGA masculinity got arrested for carrying a handgun in the Wisconsin Capitol, while shirtlessly seeking an impromptu audience with Governor Tony Evers, which is the sort of thing that happens every day now, in our exceptionally healthy democracy. I only bring it up because as soon as the little freak posted bail, he returned to the Capitol, this time with an assault rifle. Alas, the dude was hospitalized before he could complete the trifecta, with a nail gun or a Sherman tank or whatever.
Well, it took the full fury of the dastardly deep state, but Lara Trump’s cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” has been successfully cheated of its rightful place as our next national anthem. When you look the song up on Spotify, Dr. Fauci shows up at your front door and administers a special, ivermectin-proof variant of the Covid vaccine that beams Hillary Clinton speeches directly into your mind via 5G.
Speaking of Hillary, she triggered Cult45 again, by calling them a cult, which is what they are. WHY, IT’S THE BASKET OF DEPLORABLES COMMENT ALL OVER AGAIN, they screeched…from their basket.
Okay, that’s about all I can stand for one week. If you’re still readin’, and you want to support the blog, I’m rebuilding the following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter @john_luzar, in addition to the email list at showercapblog.com, plus there’s always room for another 6 pack in the ol’ beer fridge. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, chum…
He Shall Be Known Henceforth as Kevin McLeadership (Ferret)
Remember, this is the Republican Party when they’ve had plenty of time to prepare. A presidential primary debate. The impeachment hearing they’ve dreamt of since Biden first whooped their boy’s ass. As we gather here to gape at ineptitude that simply should not be possible at this rung on the evolutionary ladder, never forget…they are sending their very, very best.
(Some technical difficulties tonight, but links await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/he-shall-be-known-henceforth-as-kevin-mcleadership/)
Our expectations of Speaker McCarthy have crumbled to the point where it qualifies as breaking news whenever he manages to navigate a basic procedural vote without lighting his own scrotum on fire. Seriously, I got a CNN push notification this morning: “Holy crud, took him a week, but the little dweeb actually managed to open debate on his doomed continuing resolution!”
I suppose it’s marginally more impressive when you note he pulled it off with Matt Gaetz nipping at his heels, (and you’ll want to get any bites checked out by a medical professional right away, Kev) gleefully plotting his overthrow.
Anyway, Kevin was permitted scarcely a moment to bask in the triumphal push notification glow before twenty-one members of his feral caucus torpedoed the CR, sending Gaetz once more a-braying before the assembled cameras.
However, anticipating failure, McCarthy had previously dispatched Jims Comer and Jordan on a last minute mission to make the American public believe their government is so gobsmackingly fucking stupid that none of us will ever be safe until it’s shut down forever. And if they didn’t quite pull it off, well, it wasn’t for want of trying.
It’s baffling that anyone anywhere expects success from these clowns at this point, isn’t it? We’ve been watching James Comer drop bowling ball after bowling ball on his own groin, from increasingly great heights, since January. Who on Earth imagined this overmatched clod could pull an impeachment inquiry off?
Honestly, whether you were amused or appalled that he called witnesses who testified that there’s no evidence supporting impeachment, you certainly weren’t surprised. Of course, no one expected Jimmy to clear the “impossibly high bar” of actually proving his asinine claims.
Indeed, after numerous traumatic collisions with reality, the would-be impeachers retreated to their alternate reality safe space on Hannity, where there are no pesky journalists or former Ukrainian Presidents to debunk their bullshit.
Coming to theatres this Xmas, from the director of My Son Hunter: DEAD GRIFT WALKING, the heart-rending tale of one con man’s family business receiving the “corporate death penalty” following years of brazen, unrepentant fraud. Starring Sean Penn as the Trump Organization, and Louise Linton, who’s garnering Oscar buzz as some sort of hot, evil nun.
Hey, speaking of the death penalty, the 45th President of the United States and current Republican frontrunner celebrated Mark Milley’s retirement by publicly calling for the outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs’ execution, part of his election season ratcheting-up of the ol’ stochastic terror apparatus.
(Maybe that’s what the Glock was for, but alas, the indicted are prohibited from purchasing murder machines, so the Dotard narrowly avoided a 92nd charge there. Ah well, he wouldn’t have been able to fire it anyway, with those stunted, ineffectual phalanges.)
Equally executable (with an emphasis on CUTE) are pop diva Taylor Swift and her rumored new beau, extra-fancy football man Travis Kelce, who earned Cult45’s wrath by virtue of being successful, and vaccinated. Oh, and I guess Travis has done Bud Light commercials, so he’s just perfect for the Two Minutes Hate.
Now Th’Federalist says Swift’s music is responsible for the downfall of western civilization, granting hip hop and unwed mothers a welcome respite. Various creeps n’ incels proclaimed her “homely” and a “gold digger.” And yes, Stew Peters would like to see the happy couple put to death. It’s all very healthy and normal.
For reasons that’re far from clear, Nikki Haley and the However Many Dwarves gathered at the Ronald Reagan Memorial Wiffle Ball Field to bicker over who gets to give the last concession speech in the humiliatingly-not-even-about-the-veep-slot-anymore “Republican primary.”
Tim Scott suggested “Johnson’s Great Society” was harder for Black families to survive than slavery, which I’ll grant was expertly targeted pandering, and if he can figure out how to get over the more, ahem, obvious hurdles in his path, Tim might just have a future in this white nationalist resentment cult.
Beyond that, outside of some controversy over an alleged epidemic of teachers fornicating, the evening primarily involved the purgatorial torment of time spent with Vivek Ramaswamy. Shoot, it wasn’t till almost 70 minutes in that anybody noticed Bobby Jindal had somehow snuck onstage and offered an immigration plan.
Republican donors apparently found this display of grating futility so discouraging, they’re once again indulging in fantasies of Glenn Youngkin appearing on the horizon, leading a cavalry charge that magically delivers the GOP from a decade of cowardice and shitty choices. Great plan, you guys. I bet it works.
Maybe they should draft Jennifer Petersen, the stay-at-home mom who devotes her ample free time to reading books (yay!) so she can ban them, (boo!) unless maybe Kim Davis is available?
Recently convicted Trumpworld dingleberry Peter Navarro bemoaned the treacherous “pimp ladies” assailing poor, put-upon feminist icon Donald J. Trump, (the “J” stands for “Just lost in court to E. Jean Carroll again”) suggesting as a solution hanging a great big No Girls Allowed sign on the door in the Reich to come.
Scott Hall became the first co-defendant in the Georgia election interference case to take a plea deal, yet another legal setback for the career crook who had to renegotiate his prenup because his wife was worried the lawyers’d wind up with everything.
Incidentally, while I was drafting tonight’s post, Tangerine Idi Amin gave an extra-fashy speech in California, complete with calls for extrajudicial violence, and a Paul Pelosi joke, both big hits with the assembled wingnut donors. No wonder Republican voters see him as “a person of faith.”
In contrast, Joe Biden somehow managed to get through the whole week without celebrating one single act of political violence, instead joining striking auto workers on the picket line, and delivering another stem-winder on the general awesomeness of democracy. Oddly, Fox seems mostly interested in covering his dog.
Okay, I’m gonna grab a beer and watch the government shut down. If you enjoyed this post, you can support the blog by joining the email list, following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or kicking in a buck or two to keep the mini fridge stocked.
I Saw Hoodie Fetterman With the Devil, and Other Crucible Jokes That Don't Quite Work (Ferret!)
Historians will surely mark this week as the precise moment American decline became irreversible, as John Fetterman presided over the United States Senate wearing pasties and a g-string, while Susan Collins go-go danced in a shark cage suspended above Josh Hawley’s desk. Indeed, at this point, the only thing preventing the total collapse of the nation’s economy is David Brooks’ drinking habit.
(You know the drills. Links n’ shininess here: https://showercapblog.com/i-saw-hoodie-fetterman-with-the-devil-and-other-crucible-jokes-that-dont-quite-work/)
Kevin McCarthy was far too busy stepping on rakes and running crotch-first into furniture corners to meet with Volodymyr Zelensky, so he vetoed a proposed joint congressional address, which spared the Ukrainian president the embarrassment of getting molested by Lauren Boebert, anyway.
On a certain level, it’s not really fair to ask McCarthy to lead the House through a shutdown crisis. It’s like asking an emu to quarterback the Dallas Cowboys. But bless his heart, Kevin somehow always manages to blow right past my frankly cruelly low expectations.
I don’t mean to minimize the challenges inherent in corralling a horde of preening hyenas, but when you spend a week watching this clod repeatedly fail to coax his Republican majority into even opening debate on a freakin’ defense appropriations bill, you can’t help but think, “Hey, who let that emu out on the field? And how’d they get those cleats on him?”
Gonna be a ride, folks. Don’t plan on visiting any national parks any time soon.
Indicted co-conspirator Jenna Ellis stuck with Inmate P01135809 through murderous pandemic mismanagement and bloody insurrection, but when he refused to pay her legal bills, suddenly she noticed he’s a “malignant narcissist.” Welcome to the party, Jenna. Help yourself to some horse paste, we picked it up just for you.
Ellis is now widely expected to flip on her old boss, joining former aide Molly Michael, who told federal investigators the Dotard used classified documents as scratch paper for to-do lists and such. No doubt there’re plans for military strikes on Iran with lewd little missives to Ivanka scrawled in the margins.
We’re told Wee Donnie One-Term has grown increasingly anxious about the prospect of doing serious prison time, and no wonder, since he just torpedoed his own last-ditch legal defense on Meet the Press. Not only are you absolutely destined to pass the remainder of your days in “one of those jumpsuits,” bro, they’re tailoring yours for a guy who’s 6’3” and 215 pounds.
Following his criticism of Florida’s six-week ban, anti-abortion activists complained the Velveeta Vulgarian sold them out like they were, I dunno, our Kurdish allies in Syria or somethin’, but what’re they gonna do about it, back DeSantis?
The pre-mortems are already rolling in, as Ron has fallen to fifth place in New Hampshire, behind Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, and a surprisingly strong write-in campaign for Kevin Sorbo. Team DiSappointus’ steadily plummeting ambitions have already landed on “finishing a strong second in Iowa,” en route to the inevitable “securing a decent seat at Scott Walker’s monthly euchre game.”
On the eve of Mark Milley’s retirement, The Atlantic took us on a whimsical stroll down memory lane through his tenure as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff during the Fall of the Turd Reich, recounting such timeless anecdotes as Yes, Mr. President, Guam is Part of America (And Therefore We Should Not Let North Korea Nuke It), and Wounded Veterans Sure Are Gross, Huh?
And hey, Chuck Schumer even managed to sneak Milley’s replacement past Tommy Tuberville, by distracting the Alabama Senator with that trick where you make it look like you’re pulling the top half of your thumb off. He screamed and passed out.
Merrick Garland thought he could get away with using taxpayer dollars to sponsor Hunter Biden’s Naked Bike Ride in Support of the Criminalization of Catholicism™️, but against the veritable wad of Columbos comprising Gym Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee crew, he never stood a chance.
Well, the cricket-infested Texas Senate officially granted cartoonishly corrupt attorney general Ken Paxton the license to commit all the crime he likes, which’ll certainly come in handy on his eagerly anticipated revenge tour. Now, Paxton’s making obscene squawks about a primary challenge to Senator Cornyn, a helpful reminder of the one fundamental truth of Republican politics: somehow, they always, ALWAYS find someone even shittier.
Son of Skidmark’s Xwitter account got hacked, almost certainly because his password was something ridiculously easy to guess, like “12345” or “password” or “Whydoesn’tdaddyloveme?”
Incidentally, I wonder what Elon’s blaming on th’Jews this week? Oh, nothing much, just “the destruction of western civilization.” Off-Brand Orbán, in contrast, targets only the liberal Jews, which is downright moderate of him. Shana Tovah, everybody!
Rupert Murdoch announced he’s stepping down as Archbishop of Propaganda to spend more time with the ravenous demonic entities that come into focus a little more clearly each day as the contract he signed at that crossroads outside Melbourne approaches maturity. Full disclosure: I haven’t seen Succession yet, so I will be unable to fulfill audience expectations for the duration of this paragraph. As always, you may return any unused portion of this blog for a full refund.
While Missouri State Senator and Republican gubernatorial candidate Bill Eigel wasn’t actually burning books in a viral video, he expressed openness to burning books in the future, “on the front lawn of the governor’s mansion,” which would be a pretty shitty thing to do to the groundskeeper, on top of the, y’know, fascist overtones.
Seems Amerikkka’s Mayor was so ensorcelled by the atmosphere of impending mob violence on January 6th, 2021 that he simply could not refrain from groping Cassidy Hutchinson. Forgive me if I’m unable to muster any sympathy for the longtime lawyer Giuliani apparently stiffed, by the way. Get in line, pal, behind the Georgia election workers Rudy harassed and defamed.
New reporting yet again revealed Clarence Thomas’ brazen corruption runs even deeper than previously known, and I already used the gag about cutting and pasting a paragraph into future blogs to save time, didn’t I? Dangit.
Speaking of brazen corruption that runs even deeper than previously known, perhaps if we all chipped in for a gold bar or two, Bob Menendez could be enticed into early retirement. Tired of this jag fartin’ up the air on the moral high ground, y’know?
Bob’s indictment is, of course, merely a DoJ plot to create the illusion of impartiality, just like the Hunter Biden charges, and especially the charges Ray Epps just pleaded guilty to. That wily deep state’ll sneak right up on ya, if you’re not careful.
Amidst yet another round of layoffs, Project Veritas announced the indefinite suspension of all operations, and that’s certainly wonderful news, but I feel like karma still owes us some hemorrhoids and wasp stings here.
Anyway, to get back to the genuinely important shit, I do believe that United States senators should adhere to a fairly formal dress code, but as a body double replacement, obviously this wouldn’t apply to “Senator Fetterman.” That’s just common sense.
Well, assuming the emu’s shutdown doesn’t disrupt the alcohol supply chain, I should be back next week…though it might not hurt to restock the beer fridge, just in case. As always, I appreciate your kind support. Stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
(Still working to rebuild the following at the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can now be found @john_luzar)
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