TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalBetsy DeVos' Media Tour: Is Our Education Secretary Learning? (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey folks, sorry for not checking in over the weekend. I went on a little bender, drunk out of my mind on Martin Shkreli's tears. I woke up behind a Wendy's dumpster clutching what I had initially believed was an exclusive Wu-Tang Clan album, but which turned out to be a slightly soiled Justin Bieber calendar.
Let's jump right into the hilarity (with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/education-secretary-learning-betsy-devos/), with the Velveeta Urinal Cake's legal team, and their amusing offer to swap Bob Mueller an interview with their client in exchange for a speedy resolution to all Drumpf-related aspects of the investigation, in let's say, oh, 60 days or so?
...there aren't a lot of photos of Mueller laughing, so I hope somebody thought to document the moment he heard about that particular little gambit.
You know what sucks? Compromise, that's what. So, ok, the military has agreed to piss maybe as much as $30 million away on a parade so the Bonespur Buttplug can feel like a Big Tuff Dictator for an afternoon, but he won't be able to roll tanks through the streets of Washington D.C., because they'd "damage the infrastructure," STUPID CUCK STREETS.
Who knows if Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops will even still want his dumb ol' parade if he can't have tanks? What's the point of even being President, amright?
Steve Bannon, rejected by every man, woman, and child in his native country, decided it was time for a "Drink Prey Hate" voyage of self-discovery, and finally cashed in all those unused vacation days from that silly little Nazi blog he used to run. He popped over to France to bloviate in front of shitty white nationalist losers from a different country for a change. Refreshing.
He told them being labeled (accurately) as racist was "a badge of honor," or I guess "honour" since he was in Europe. No time for dog whistles when you've hit the bottom of the barrel. And licked it dry.
Maybe this is Bannon's next big move: Hate Tourism! See (and sneer at) the world alongside like-minded knuckle-dragging morons! He can call it "Mein Kruise!"
...Richard Spencer would certainly be interested, since he's called off his college campus tour due to an inability to find safe spaces. Or, y'know, audiences.
Didja see where the Man With Phalangeal Stunting has been shopping around for a lawyer with Presidential impeachment experience? "He was just asking for a friend," Sarah Huckabee Sanders feebly offered, before remembering her boss, being completely unworthy of love, has no friends.
The American President's immediate supervisor, Vlad Putin, weighed in on Russian interference in American elections with a casual "Hey, maybe it was Jews," because he's classy like that.
Sam Nunberg abandoned his early-week bravado, and sat down for a lengthy interrogation with Team Mueller. Afterwards, Sad Sack Sam came to two key conclusions:
1. The Russia investigation is anything but a "witch hunt."
2. He really likes going on TV and having people pay attention to him.
Seriously, did this fucker clone himself? He is on television every fucking hour of the day. He'll be presenting at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, where he'll be forcibly removed from the stage during a rambling monologue about Roger Stone's potential legal exposure.
The Marmalade Shartcannon had himself a rough week. Cabinet scandals, tariff troubles, daily escalations on the Stormy Daniels front, and that whole thing where he thought he was a Big Diplomat Hero with North Korea but was actually just an out-of-his-element goon getting played by a tyrannical thug. So he turned to General Kelly and said. "I need to unwind. Get me a room full of the shittiest white people in Pennsylvania. We're gonna have ourselves a KLAN RALLY!"
"Mr. President, we should probably just call it a 'rally.'"
"You spoil all my fun, John!"
So yeah, in the name of propping up the flailing candidacy of this yammering nitwit named Rick Saccone, Il Douche wandered over to the Pennsylvania 18th to babble like a meth-addled street preacher for a bit. He lied a bunch, and talked about how great he is (lotta overlap in those two categories, of course), and attacked the press (for...sleepiness?), and said some racist shit (If Donnie wanted to challenge Maxine Waters to chess, or Trivial Pursuit, or even a second grade spelling test, I am HERE FOR IT.) and some sexist shit (I guess only white women count as women, neat!), and of course the crowd full of drooling HateYokels ate it right up.
Anyway, the most recent polling shows the Embracing-Drumpf-So-Hard-He's-Basically-Humping-His-Leg Saccone actually TRAILING Democrat Conor Lamb in a district Sharty McFly carried by 20 points in 2016. And the GOP's frantic expectation-lowering efforts have sunk to the depths of claiming this deep-red district is basically downtown San Francisco, political-makeup-wise.
Anyway, Treasury Secretary/Jelly-Spined Sycophant Steve Mnuchbag found the President's belched-up stream-of-consciousness bigotdrivel "funny," but hell, he produced COLLATERAL BEAUTY, so forgive me for declining to defer to his critical analysis.
I guess Betsy DeVos was concerned that maybe somebody somewhere in America thought she might be almost qualified to do her job, so she went on 60 minutes to dispel all doubt. Betsy's lucky she was born rich. She'd never have survived otherwise, in this world of sliding doors and canned food.
Word on the street is that Boisterous Bob Mueller could be close to wrapping up his obstruction o' justice inquiry, but may not announce the results for the time being, so as to avoid interference with the other aspects of the probe.
See, Team Shart's many crimes are like an all-you-can-eat buffet; and maybe the Bobadook has had enough fried chicken (obstruction) for now, but he's gonna go back to the bar for more salad (collusion), maybe some of that foamy Jell-O stuff (money laundering), or corn on the cob (hacking and leaking DNC e-mails). Maybe there's something new and fun and different on the buffet, too...something we don't even know about yet. Like teriyaki salmon. Or, I dunno...braised antelope. We just don't know.
Gosh, it seems like only a couple of weeks ago when Dorito Mussolini vowed to support bold new gun control measures, taunting Senators for being "afraid of the NRA."
...oh, right.
Anyhow, Wayne LaPierre must've taken the President out behind the woodshed over the weekend, because he's absolutely pissing-his-pants terrified of the NRA now. Gone are the promises to ban bump stocks and raise age limits, replaced only with some bullshit about arming teachers, a proposal that, AND THIS IS REALLY WEIRD, would mean...SELLING A FUCKTON MORE GUNS.
Odd how the NRA's ideas always seem to revolve around enriching gun manufacturers, isn't it? I'm sure it's only coincidence.
Oh, and after the Republican-controlled Florida government passed some modest gun control laws, the murder-gorged demons of the NRA didn't even wait for the ink of Governor Scott's signature to dry before suing to block the measure, because they simply cannot abide the tyranny of a young man who is not yet old enough to buy his own beer being denied his Gawd-Given Right to purchase a machine than can end dozens of human lives in a few short seconds.*
To visit an even bat-shittier corner of the gun debate, one conservative "thought leader" published a horny little fanfic about how he can hardly wait to start slaughterin' libtards in the rapidly approaching CIVIL WAR II: WINGNUT BOOGALOO.
Not to be all controversial or anything, but maybe a documented history of fantasizing about murdering people you disagree with should be disqualifying when it comes to purchasing semi-automatic rifles.
Stormy Daniels helpfully offered to refund her blackmail payment in return for the right to tell the world just how much our President likes being peed on, or whatever other horrors she's privy to. And so the Daniels story continues to grow, now having engulfed not only the sitting President of the United States of America, but also a notary in Texas.
Hey, remember that time one of our most loyal allies was the victim of a chemical weapons attack on their native soil, and they said "Russia did it," and the American President refused to back them up, or help them retaliate against the attacker, or even go so far as to say "Well shit, that fucking suxxx, bro?"
I guess "America First" is expressed by waving a single finger in the air at our greatest friends. The middle one.
The craven Republican treasonweasels of Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes' House Intelligence Committee threw a surprise party for their investigation into Russia interference, where the surprise was "We're ending it! Oh, and there was no collusion, we totally checked, and also the President's fingers are not only of normal length, but frankly a little on the long side."
Needless to say, the Democrats on the panel aren't having this shit, and even Republican Intel member Tom Rooney says his committee "lost all credibility." Adam Schiff congratulated his collaborating coworkers on all the shit they'll get to eat whenever new developments in the Russia investigation surface.
Just so we're clear here, this committee found out literally just a few days ago that Erik Prince lied to them under oath about his Sexy Secret Seychelles...S'meeting, and they're closing up shop anyhow. Never interviewed Manafort, Never interviewed Papaderpaderp, Flynn, or Gates, who I'll remind you are confessed felons.
And I see Tangerine Idi Amin is now trying to bully NATO allies into upping their military spending in exchange for sanctions relief. Look, Donnie, just because YOU'RE so willing to be blackmailed doesn't mean sovereign nations will follow suit. Ass.
Y'know what? It's actually been kind of a quiet stretch lately. Yeah. All the shit you just read...qualifies as "slow news" under our new, perpetually-besieged-by-insanity standards. Hell, I almost didn't write tonight.
* For optimal effect, read this sentence in a really cartoony southern accent. Like, Charles-Laughton-playing-an-Alabama-lawyer cartoony.
Dude Who Cant Stop His Staff From Buying $140,000 Doors Thinks He Can Disarm North Korea. (Ferret)
I've said it before, folks, but SHIT BE CRAY. A few short days ago, Nunberg-Mania was running wild, and now I can't even remember the sad fucker's first name.
Let's wade into the fever swamp, shall we? (With links at: http://showercapblog.com/dude-cant-stop-staff-buying-140000-doors-thinks-can-disarm-north-korea-makes-sense/)
My friends, I am running out of tears. First, Roy Moore passed the hat around, for he cannot even afford bus fair to the mall anymore. And now? Now, poor, traitorous Michael Flynn has been forced to sell his house in order to pay all the legal bills he has accumulated as a result of betraying his country. Have you tried asking Turkey for money, Mike?
A Special Counsel found Kellyanne Conway had committed multiple violations of the Hatch Act, for which she will not be disciplined at all, because the executive branch doesn't want anyone to get in the habit of applying the rule of law where they're concerned.
What's really fun about this little episode is how the Shart Administration appointed the Special Counsel, presumably at significant expense, to investigate the matter, and then just decided to piss on his findings.
What a shitty way to set taxpayer money on fire! C'mon guys, we should at least get a really nice dining room set, or a trip to Wimbledon, or a super-rad soundproof booth out of it!
Seems somebody on the House Intelligence Committee, someone who may or may not partake of the odd act of recreational porcine copulation, has been leaking closed-door testimony to the Velveeta Vulgarian's right hand thug, Michael Cohen.
Devin Nunes is basically William H. Macy in the last act of FARGO right now. Everything's spun farther out of his control than he ever imagined was possible, and he's frantically scrambling for some Deux ex Machina deliverance from the consequences of his actions.
People poke fun at Dorito Mussolini for all the "executive time" blocked out on his schedule, but I think he's busier than we give him credit for. Shit, he's got all that witness-tampering to catch up on, for starters!
Yes, the Failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark has been pestering those who've testified before the Mueller investigation, just, y'know, wondering how it went, and IF YOU BETRAYED ME.
"You didn't mention the treason, did you? Don't tell them about the treason! Also, tell everybody that Salma Hayek calls all the time, but I turn her down because I don't think she's all that hot anymore."
Oh, and this George Nader weasel who's cooperating with the Mueller probe seems to be filling in the gaps about that shady January 2017 Seychelles meeting between Celebrity Mercenary Erik Prince and a Putin Pal.
I imagine Erik will be investing heavily in Republican House races this year, because it sure fucking looks like he lied to Congress, and he really needs to keep that gavel in ol' Pigfucker Nunes' congealed-bacon-grease-crusted hands if he wants to stay out of jail.
So, the President is being sued by a porn star, because of course he is. There are all sorts of sordid details that I'm not going to get into here because A) You've already heard them and B) I don't want to think about that guy rutting.
And C), most importantly of all, the REAL takeaway here is that THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES PAID BLACKMAIL. Which makes him an unthought-of security risk to our whole fucking country. My god, if Stormy Daniels can do this to him, Putin could probably make him bark like a dog on CNN if the fancy struck him.
In the midst of all the porny stuff, you could be forgiven for not noticing that tiny little story floating around where Commander of the U.S. European Command Curtis M. Scaparrotti says "Oh, that thing where Russia attacks our elections? Yeah, we're basically doing jack shit about that."
And then you're like, "Oh right, our President has a number of diverting sexual misadventures and is also simultaneously refusing to defend the country from an ongoing assault by a hostile foreign power, how unusual!"
Gary Cohn, the last high-ranking White House official who could tie his own shoelaces, resigned after failing to talk his pudding-brained boss out of starting a trade war. Cohn's tenure was promptly eulogized as "You stood by him after the Very Fine People thing, THAT'S your legacy, nobody thinks you're brave for quitting NOW, Gary."
President Spit-Jar-at-an-Orange-Crush-Tasting finds all the stories about staffing turmoil quite unflattering, and insists that he has all kinds of rats lining up to climb aboard his sinking ship.
Why, look at all the applicants lining up for Gary's old job!
Hark! Hipster Huckster Hope Hicks Hacked!
Yes, on her way out the door, the Presidential Security Blanket told House Intel one of her e-mail accounts was hacked, but oddly the recent focus on electronic security seems to have been dropped now that it isn't needed as an anti-Hillary cudgel. HUH.
Turnout in the Texas primaries was encouraging, and we have our Senate match-up: Ted Cruz vs. Not Ted Cruz, Which is Honestly Good Enough, Right?
(Actually Beto O'Rourke is the right man for the job, I'm a big fan, and you should give him a few bucks if you can spare it.)
Cruz launched his general election campaign with an ad attacking Beto for changing his name to fit in...which is amusing coming from a "Ted" whose real name is "Rafael." It's like if Pee Wee Herman cut an ad saying "My opponent jacks off in movie theatres."
In coming weeks, expect Cruz to hit O'Rourke for his "phony preacher's cadence," his "exceptionally punchable face," and the way he "rolls over submissively to a man who insulted his own wife and father."
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III headed out to California, like some Goober Bigot Clampett, to yell at the locals for refusing to transform into the Mediocre RageYokel Police State of his wettest dreams.
In pimping his beloved ICEtapo, Ol' Beau even went so far as to invoke the Civil War, popping what I can only assume was the final creaking, dusty, boner of his shitty, misbegotten life.
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos swung by Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I guess because she imagined a blink-and-you'll-miss-it photo opp with a ghoulish, out-of-touch, autocrat was just what those traumatized kids needed.
Anyway, Betsy laid a wreath, held a wee press conference just long enough to demonstrate the speed at which she'll flee tough questions, and quickly scampered back to the bubble that's provided her with life's every privilege and comfort without demanding so much as a single afternoon's honest work of her.
Despite losing his security clearance, (and a conspicuous lack of diplomatic training/experience/respect) Jared Kushner was dispatched to Mexico to smooth things over. I confess I'm curious who imagined that was a good plan. Oh, and for good measure, he didn't let the actual Ambassador to Mexico tag along with any of her pesky expertise.
Fortunately, Shower Cap has spies everywhere. I've obtained the following EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT of the Boy Blunder's conversation with Mexican Foreign Minister Luis Videgaray:
JK: So, we'd really like you to pay for this wall thing.
LV: Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
JK: C'mon, it's only $20 billion or so. It'd really calm Dad down. (Don't tell him I called him "Dad," by the way.)
LV: Sorry, the answer is still no.
JK: Please?
LV: ...no, now about these tariffs -
JK: Pretty please?
LV: Mr. Kushner, we should move on to more productive topics, why not -
JK: Ok, I shouldn't do this, but I'll tell you what: if you guys pay for the wall, I'll let you in on a sweet Manhattan real estate investment opportunity. For just 300 billion, you can -
LV: You know the way out, yes?
JK: ...I do.
Speaking of morons in over their heads, somebody should tell Rick Perry, the Smart Guy Glasses aren't working. Rikki Tikki Tavi lamented the immorality of pushing renewable energy, because he thinks there's a binary choice between burning fossil fuels till we choke and huddling in caves, begging the Rain God to favor our crops. He's the Secretary of Energy, by the way. Sleep tight.
KKKris KKKobach seems to be making an ass of himself in court, defending one of his shitty voter ID laws from the ACLU. It must hurt poor KKKris, being so bad at the one thing he loves most. He's like, the Florence Foster Jenkins of voter suppression.*
Precious Paul Manafort pleaded not guilty to his latest indictment, and everyone believed him SO HARD. The judge said, "Good enough for me, you got an honest face, kid," and threw out the charges!
...just kidding, the trial's set for July.
Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops officially announced his precious tariffs, but after insisting he wouldn't back down, he backed down and exempted Canada and Mexico and also said other countries could negotiate their own exemptions.
You know he's got visions of being hailed as the Patron Saint of Dealmakers dancing around in his fat, experimental-hair-tonic-addled, head, but the rest of the world is already promising retaliatory tariffs of their own, and the only "deal" anyone is going to offer him is "We'll stop when you stop."
And all the suffering and loss of wealth that takes place in the interim? Don't fucking look at me, I voted for the grown-up.
I tell you what, folks, the All-Night Drumpf Cabinet Grift Disco DOES NOT STOP! Ryan Zinke, in a bid to reclaim the coveted Golden Toilet Seat (Signifying "most frivolous waste of taxpayer money"
from Dr. Ben "I don't sit in no peasant chairs" Carson, decided there was no finer use for $139,000 than a shiny new door for his office!
I gotta say, I'm curious as to just what a six-figure door looks like. Best be some Lorenzo Ghiberti shit.
And now I see Kim Jong Un has invited Littlefinger over for an Assclown Summit! They can talk about hair care products and having family members murdered!
Seriously though, the horrifyingly repressive monsters of the North Korean regime have played Donnie Dotard's ego like a fiddle, and he's giddily giving them the legitimacy they've always craved. Nice work, genius.
Fuckhead was all proud of himself, too. Popped his head into the briefing room earlier to boast about the pending news, like a toddler who finally shit on the floor instead of in his pants.
Anyway, if the Poo Mistake does wind up in a bilateral meaning with Un, expect him to barter away half the Pacific fleet, and probably Hawaii. But oh, you won't believe the shininess of the beads he gets in return!
Ok. I'm pretty sure I missed a couple things today, lots on my plate. Forgive me, Shower CapTives, I'll be more thorough soon enough!
*Second FFJ joke in Shower Cap Blog history! You know I'll be searching for more...
And Lo, Just When We Thought Things Couldn't Get Crazier, There Came Unto Us...a Nunberg (Ferret!)
Everybody keeps saying "this is not normal," and they're right, but it's been a year now, so what if this is just what normal looks like now? What if we spend the rest of our lives navigating a media landscape that looks like a war between Wonderland and Living Island that went nuclear?
(As always, full post, with links...and you'll need 'em today...at: http://showercapblog.com/there-came-unto-us-nunberg/)
I'd barely wrapped up yesterday afternoon's update when word of a brand new Mueller subpoena broke. And it was...big. The Bobadook is looking into e-mail communications among the major players now. Hicks. Manafort. Bannon. Cohen. The Marmalade Shartcannon himself.
...no wonder the President set off a trade war in a fit of colic.
We wondered who received and leaked this subpoena, but figured that'd have to remain secret for now. Not like you'd expect the guy to go on a day-long drunken media bender or anything.
Rudy Giuliani, a creepy old dude with the skull of a Mars Attacks! alien and the teeth of a New York City sewer gator, apparently made a crack about Hillary Clinton's physical appearance at a Marm-a-Lago fundraiser over the weekend. I'm sure Hilldawg will cry herself to sleep over her failure to meet your beauty standards, you Strip Club Ashtray of a man.
Not really tied to our larger political mess, but I wanted to make note of Martin Shkreli's misadventures real quick. It seems like only yesterday when he was smirking his way through congressional hearings. Nowadays, he's begging for sentencing mercy and being forced to give up his precious private Wu-Tang album.
...I just hope our justice system isn't quite done punishing douchey rich boys just yet. This is just the opening act, right?
There was nice little article on Christopher Steele, containing the fun tidbit about how the Kremlin may have vetoed Mitt Romney's appointment as Secretary of State, in favor of Doddering Oil Goon Rex Tillerson.
If there's any truth to that, you almost have to tip your cap to ol' Vlad, because Good Golly Miss Molly has that investment ever paid off! The Failing New York Times taught us that while State has allocated $120 million to battle Russian election interference, Low-T Rex has spent exactly NO FUCKING DOLLARS OF THAT MONEY.
C'mon, man! You should've at least bought team sweatshirts with a cool name like The New Cold Warriors by now! Fuck, the agency tasked with oversight of Russian meddling doesn't even have a single Russian speaker!
And you know what's really crazy? We read this story, which essentially tells us that our leading diplomat is refusing to defend our country, and is in fact actively enabling the intervention of a hostile foreign power in our democracy...and this fuckhead will still have a job tomorrow. In any previous administration, a scandal like this would've brought down not just the SoS, but the ENTIRE PRESIDENCY. And justly.
The New Normal is decidedly NOT BANGARANG.
Anyway.
I think Ben & Jerry's is making schadenfreude now. I say that because I came across this DELICIOUS little article about how young conservatives in D.C. are having trouble dating, because I guess being a shitbag isn't attractive. Good. Nookie is only for the decent, says I.
The Grand Wizard Grifter, in his ongoing quest to strip the American Presidency of every imaginable ounce of dignity, has apparently stamped the presidential seal on tee markers for his tacky golf courses. This is, needless to say, totally illegal, but it's almost cute, amongst the treason and the multi-million-dollar emoluments violations, y'know?
Still, when the final bill comes due, wouldn't it be neat if Mueller slapped one last "oh by the way, the golf course thing" indictment on this crooked fucker?
Congressional Dems want to poke around in White House documents to see if Jared Kushner was maybe sorta peddling influence in exchange for desperately needed loans. You have to wonder if Jared even still has the security clearance to see that stuff. I bet not. Hee.
And John Kelly wants to know what Jared n' Ivanka even DO all day. Well, NOT MAKE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST, THANKS TO YOU, GENERAL. (Really though, Jared's gotten quite good at Minesweeper.)
After a long, tense, occasionally violent standoff, the President's family business was evicted from their former hotel in Panama. Just like that time Sasha and Malia set up a lemonade stand in Buenos Aires and the secret police burned it down.
That Leftist Propaganda Rag, the Wall Street Journal, reports that Drumpf Stooge Michael Cohen whinged to his buddies after the election about how his boss stiffed him like a common construction contractor after he went to all the trouble of paying a porn star $130,000 in blackmail money.
Now, Cohen has been Shart Garfunkel's most loyal non-family underling, so it'll be especially satisfying when he winds up disbarred and broke, don'tcha think?
Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran will be stepping down for health reasons, setting up a special election this November to fill the remainder of his term. We probably shouldn't get excited, because it's Missifrickinssippi we're talking about, but remember we live in the world where "Junior Senator Doug Jones of Alabama" is a thing, and also Steve Bannon is probably scanning the sex offender registry for a candidate he thinks would really get under Mitch McConnell's skin.
And on top of that, today saw the release of the very first poll showing Democrat Conor Lamb LEADING in the special election in the Pennsylvania 18th...I don't wanna get cocky or greedy but let's pick a few ambitious fights to fight, y'know? You never can tell which ones we'll win.
Everyone congratulate your favorite investigation-launchin', prematurely-baldin', cooperating witness on his nuptials! Godspeed, Mr. and Mrs. Papaderpaderp! Get that honeymoon in before the jail term for lying to federal investigators starts!
...you may want to avoid England, though! Seems that Rascally Russkie, Vlad Putin can still poison the odd ex-spy right underneath the Queen's nose, so maybe just take in a NASCAR race and slide quietly into witness protection, kids!
On that subject, can anybody spare a little political asylum for an imprisoned Russian escort/sex coach? Seeking bail money plus a plane ticket from Bangkok, offering 16 hours of audio recordings purportedly relating to Oligarch ratfucking in the American election? I don't know how credible this stuff is, but would you honestly be surprised at this point?
Nobody likes Fat Q*Bert's steel tariffs, maybe cuz of the whole "trade war" thing. Studies show they'd cause job losses. Foreign nations are threatening retaliation. Even housepets are asking, "Why in the living fuck are you fucking with Canada, man? At long last, have you no chill whatsoever?"
Even congressional Republicans, who've turned the blindest of eyes to everything from a dozen plus sexual assault accusations to dereliction of the Presidential duty to defend to United States from foreign attacks, dug through their office closets to find their long-neglected spines, and said "Excuse me your Fuckheadedness, could you maybe NOT wreck the economy, please?
But Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford is thus far unmoved!
He says he "won't back down"
No he won't back down
You can stand him up at the gates of Hell Canada
But he won't back down
The Dickless Dumbfuck Dotard also promised to cut the price of the new U.S. embassy in Israel from a billion dollars...to $250,000, which can only mean he's building it out of Legos he's confiscated from Eric for wetting the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Former Drumpf campaign aide Sam Nunberg, upon being served with a subpoena by the Mueller investigation, reacted the way any innocent person would; he drove to the nearest grocery store, bought every wine cooler in the joint, and pounded them in the parking lot while calling in to cable news shows.
Sam had...quite the day. He claims to think Mueller won't arrest him for defying a subpoena, so he's basically been screaming "COME AT ME, BRO!" which seems...unwise. He said Carter Page colluded and Donald knew about the Trump Tower meeting with Junior and a bunch of Fux Nooz hosts will live to regret their coverage and a lot of inappropriately nasty stuff about Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Most curiously of all, he seems to be willing to risk jail time to protect the honor of...Roger Stone?
SERIOUSLY?!?!? Roger fucking Stone?
Ah, well. The heart wants what it wants.
By the evening, Nunberg literally had an interviewer telling him they could smell alcohol on his breath. Thinking about it now, it's actually kinda surprising it took this long for somebody swept up in this circus to have such a spectacular public meltdown. In six months, they'll find Stephen Miller, naked, hiding in the National Zoo, pretending to be a macaque.
Anyway, I'm gonna leave you with something sexxxxxxy. Seriously, don't let your spouse know you're watching this video. If you're not over 18, just close the window right now. Frankly, if you have a heart condition, this video may simply be TOO SEXY.
Ok...you've been warned.
"Hey Wilbur, Nice Cans!" And Other Sordid Tales of Fist-Pounding and Deer Cum (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Today I found myself, on my couch, in my bathrobe, blogging about the intersection of politics and deer spunk, and I confess I'm uncertain how I got there. Life is strange. Anyhow, the news:
(And yes, you can get it, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/hey-wilbur-nice-cans-sordid-tales-fist-pounding-deer-cum/)
Let me begin with an apology. I try to provide a reasonably comprehensive news round-up here, and I must confess...this week, I have failed you. While there was certainly a fuckton of nonsense to document, it was inexcusable of me to have overlooked the story of Rowan County, Kentucky Clerk/Celebrity Bigot Kim Davis writing a book about her encounters with, oh dear, "furious, fist-pounding homosexual men."
Wow. Surely, it will adapted into an art film, titled POUND ME BY YOUR FIST, starring Armie Hammer.
After the Mueller investigation brought charges against several Russian entities for interfering in our elections, and after Putin smirked his way through a video showing Russian nukes targeting Florida, the President finally marshaled the full force of his pulpit and his office to strike back at the Kremlin.
Wait, did I say "the Kremlin?" I mean "Alec Baldwin."
...on the other hand, Baldwin just immediately marched back out on SNL to mock him all over again, and I'm sure Putin would've done the same.
What's this? Hope Hicks may have kept a diary chronicling her time in the Shart House? DISHY! My sources tell me each entry starts with a lengthy documentation of the hour-by-hour accumulation of food stains on his shirt and tie.
Anyway, publishers are reportedly engaged in a bloody struggle over rights to the diary, with several offering multi-million-dollar advances that would be paid directly to her legal team, for convenience. Bob Mueller won't be able offer her quite so much, but he'll sure subpoena the shit out of it.
More fun in Kentucky, as we learned of a front in the culture war that everybody assumed had been dealt with sometime in the early 20th century: child brides! Yes, some folks in Kentucky want to make child marriage illegal, because SOMEHOW IT WASN'T ALREADY, but the bill has been held up, because...well, because some folks don't WANT child marriage to be illegal. Apparently. Zounds.
Somebody tell J.D. Vance he left a verse or two out of his Hillbilly Elegy.
The Blue Wave continues to build, with Texas Democrats turning out in numbers sure to put a nervous tremor in Ted Cruz' phony preacher voice. And Conor Lamb's got 'em sweating deep in Trump Country, Pennsylvania.
Rumor has it that Rambunctious Robert Mueller is askin' witnesses fun questions like "Hey, is the nation's foreign policy based around Jared Kushner's desperate quest for cash?" "Did America facilitate the blockade crisis in Qatar because they didn't want to piss money away on Jar-Jar's stupid Manhattan skyscraper?" and "Are you seriously fucking kidding me with this shit?"
And the Failing New York Times reports Mueller's investigation has found a whole new drawer to poke around in, this one full of mismatched socks and also possible pay-to-play influencing by the United Arab Emirates through some dopey-lookin' fucker named George Nader.
And we all went "Ohhhhhhhhh...fucking of COURSE. We've all been so focused on Russia, we never bothered to think that when a candidate/President is known to be for sale, OF COURSE there's gonna be more than just one buyer lined up." DUH.
Donald J. Trump, (The "J" stands for "I've failed at everything from steaks to airlines to casinos to my shitty fake university) assured us that winning trade wars is super easy, nothing to it, and then merrily returned to cheating at Candyland with Barron.*
Littlefinger also dispatched the Raisin of Populism, Wilbur Ross, to defend the new steel and aluminum taxes he decided to unleash on the American public. Wilbur playfully offered that the increased steel cost would raise the price of a $35,000 automobile "only" 1/2 of 1%, because he is super in touch with the average American's finances. And truly, who among us doesn't have a spare $175 to piss away to placate the ego of a rampaging Manbaby playing recklessly with the global economy like the neighbor kid's toys?
Especially those who work for Harley-Davidson, or in the Kentucky Bourbon industry, already surfacing as early targets for retaliation?
Anyway, if this leads, as some are speculating, to a spike in canned beer prices, I'm buyin' a tricorn hat and digging a motherfucking trench, goddammit.
Speaking of of the tariffs, Trumpal Bud Carl Icahn just so happened, a couple days before the announcement, to dump more than $30 million worth of stock in a company that took quite a tumble when the President decided to kick them right in the supply chain with higher steel prices.
Now, some folks are accusing Donnie Dotard of insider trading, of fucking over most of the country just so he and his palz can profit, but I'll thank you not to impugn our President's clearly impeccable honesty, sir! GLOVE SLAP!
The knock on John Kelly is, while he was an effective military leader, he lacks the familiarity and skill in the political realm to be effective in his current post. Well I ask you, WOULD AN UNSKILLED POLITICAL OPERATIVE NEEDLESSLY BRING UP A MAJOR SCANDAL, TOTALLY UNPROMPTED, DAYS AFTER THE MEDIA HAD ALREADY MOVED ON?
...apparently he would. And did. Lordy.
So, the increasingly popular Sixty Leakers Describe White House Chaos genre took a dark turn over the weekend. We've left behind the heady days of "Ha ha they can't even find the light switches," in favor of "Holy shit, we've got an unstable idiot blowing up the global economy because nobody remembered to change his diaper."
Yeah, when you read shit describing the President's mental state using terms like "unglued" and "pure madness," you really start thinking about maybe digging a bunker, amiright? And then somebody mentions, "Hey, all this shit has gone down during relatively stable times, what the fuck would this assclown do if he had to deal with an actual crisis?"
(Shudder)
...you know Justin Trudeau is at least THINKING about invading. Sneak in, while everybody's running around like headless chickens...occupy Montana, maybe a little bit of New England. He'd be greeted as a liberator.
Devin Nunes, whose professional life is devoted to destroying the American intelligence/law-enforcement community in service to a treasonous gangster (and whose personal life is devoted to the fucking of pigs) wants you to know that the REAL danger to the country is Stephen Colbert laughing at him.
That's a sitting congressman's checklist of Threats to the Republic: Free speech and law enforcement. Cool.**
I tell you what, when Devin finally, FINALLY gets his comeuppance, it's gonna be like watching Joffrey Baratheon's last drink.
Lou Dobbs continues to audition for the anchor gig on his long-dreamed-of, post-apocalyptic, State TV propaganda station, screeching like a community theatre actor playing Ophelia about how Jeff Sessions has had his mind taken over by the nanobots the government injects into the water supply during so-called "fluoridation," and how the AG needs to be fired, and also probably dismembered at the crossroads and burned.
The Florida Senate briefly passed a two-year moratorium on AR-15 sales, but then went, "Aw, you thought we cared more about our constituents' lives than our sweet, sweet, NRA money? APRIL FOOL!!!!" and then un-passed it, I guess just because they're dicks.
But they still want to give guns to teachers. I bet the Florida teacher with the white supremacist podcast will be first in line, you fucking geniuses.
Well, the VA Secretary seems to be descending into madness and paranoia as well, that's fun. David Shuklin's all mad because the President can bill the Secret Service thousands of dollars to pee, but he can't seem to get away with one little ol' trip to Wimbledon, or sending his taxpayer-funded security detail to pick up his dry cleaning, no fair!
(Meanwhile, Ben Carson's over in the corner, calling up Shulkin at all hours of the day and just breathing heavily into the phone, figuring if his Cabinetmate explodes, maybe the world won't notice when he sneaks that vintage Wooton secretary in through the HUD back door.)
My friends, I know the news can be depressing, and I really don't want to break your back with yet another sad story, but I feel it's my duty to keep y'all informed.
So it is with a heavy heart that I report Judge Roy Moore finds himself in dire financial straits. Turns out child molestin' ain't cheap, especially when you're getting your pervy old ass sued for defamation by one of your accusers.
Pity poor Roy, who really, REALLY needed that Senator's salary to pay the pedophilia piper, only to be denied by the dastardly voters of Alabama who so selfishly chose the candidate who wasn't a fucking monster.
I'm willing to send something to the Judge. Do you think his kickstarter accepts cat shit?
And CNN got ahold of some tape of Government Cheese Goebbels talking to the shitty rich idiots who finance the assault on American democracy known as the Republican Party, where he talks about how cool it is that Xi Jinping gets to be President 4 Lyfe over in China, and how he'd really like to be that kind of dictator when he grows up, then he could have all the military parades he wants, though never the love and approval of the father who shipped him off to military school, SAD.
Anyway, comforting to know our President is still looking lustily at authoritarian regimes, free from all those silly encumbrances, like "a free press" and "voters," isn't it? Maybe we'll even see re-education camps added to the official Republican platform come 2020!
Maybe we're lucky that the Spraytan Sultan's thirst for dictatorship is so completely overmatched by his profound laziness. He hit a sloth milestone this weekend, with his 100th (and, for that matter, 101st) day of golf since taking office. I just like to assume it's the MAGA crowd's tax money that pays for that shit.
Anyway, all of this is trivial.
The REAL news of the week comes from the Great State of Texas, where a primary challenger for a state House seat is financing her campaign largely with deer semen.
Now, I saw that headline and assumed this meant "money from the deer semen industry." That is not the case. We are, in fact, talking about $51,000 worth of actual deer semen. The article doesn't stipulate exactly how much deer semen that would be, and I'm pretty grateful for that.
Anyway. There's probably something I missed, but as William Shakespeare said, "Always leave 'em thinking about deer semen."
*And Erik.
**Not actually cool.
The News Has Finally Reduced Even Me to a Quivering Mess, Begging For Mercy
Sweet Titty-Fucking Christ, how is there this much news in ONE WEEK? There wasn't this much news in some YEARS of the Obama administration. There wasn't this much news in the entire motherfucking Renaissance!
I apologize in advance for the sheer length of this. I even cut the part where Tom Bombadil bought a jet ski with government funds. Let's just dive into this septic tank we call...the news. (And yeah, you can get it, with links, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/news-has-finally-reduced-even-me-quivering-mess/)
Let's start with a little light schadenfreude, as the faculty at Lehigh University voted to strip the Candycorn Skidmark of the honorary degree they bestowed upon him back when he was an amusing buffoon rather than a daily threat to international peace and stability.
That'll show him! Losing a meaningless ceremonial honor seems like a reasonable consequence for a Commander-in-Chief who actively refuses to defend his country!
Yup yup, Admiral Mike Rogers, NSA Director, let the Senate know that President Boris Bonespurs somehow hasn't yet granted him the authority he needs to smack Russia hard enough to deter them from fucking with our sweet, beautiful, democracy in the future.
That's just NEAT, innit? I'll tell you what, Resisters, I had no love for any of the Gaggle of Assholes who opposed Orange Julius Caesar in the 2016 GOP primary, but I never doubted that any of them, from Fiorina to Jeb(!) to Pataki would have gone, "Oh, a hostile foreign power attacked America? MEH, I GOT GOLF."
The reigning NBA champion Golden State Warriors took a group of local children to the National Museum of African American History and Culture during their visit to Washington, D.C., after Shart Garfunkel petulantly rescinded their White House invitation over several players Expressing Opinions While Black.
...I still think somebody should have challenged Stephen Miller to a game of Horse, with his Senior Advisor gig on the line. Stephen's quite the athlete you know, as his storied track career demonstrates.
Sooooooo there's this Russian escort/"self-described sex instructor," right? She's been arrested in Thailand (for running an illegal "seduction class," I guess?) and she wants the U.S. government to intervene and rescue her, in exchange for dirt of Trump and Manafort.
Sure, whatever. That's about par for the course these days. The "course" is like, a miniature golf course. That the Joker rigged into a series of themed death traps designed to kill Batman. It's par for that course.
Anyway. Russian escort, seduction class, dirt on Trump. And you won't even fucking remember any of that shit by the end of this blog.
A little more good news before we move on, Team Blue flipped a couple more special election seats, including a Connecticut House district Republicans had held for 40 years. And those generic congressional polls just keep getting sweeter and sweeter.
Once upon a time, this dude said CNN wanted to make his son read a scripted question at the Parkland/gun control town hall, and he showed the world an e-mail to prove it, and the right wing media lost their shit.
Only then it turned out the dude had totally doctored the e-mail in question, because I guess he's the kind of person who's cool with not only lying, but using both a community tragedy and his OWN FUCKING KID in a bullshit ploy to...what? Make CNN look bad? COOL LIFE, BRO.
Bob Corker is still retiring, after floating a To Hell With All My So-Called 'Principled" Criticism of Trump Maybe I'll Just Give Him a Rim Job So He'll Endorse Me trial balloon.
If you missed the "Yup, still quitting" Corker story, you might not have noticed the little nugget where Tangerine Idi Amin's staff keeps files full of mean things Republicans have said about him, so they can whip him up into a rage should the need arise. It's really fun that the President is so easy to manipulate, and that everyone around him knows it, isn't it?
Prospects for peace in the Middle East took a good sturdy punt to the groin, as Jared Kushner finally lost the security clearance he had no fucking business ever having in the first place.
Jar-Jar's portfolio isn't shrinking, at least for now. Whatever. Not like he was actually accomplishing anything anyway. He's probably sitting in his office, working his way through a coloring book he picked up in a Saudi Arabian gift shop, pretending it's "research."
Oh, and WaPo informs us that at least four foreign nations have explored how to exploit Kushner's unique blend of Enormous Fucking Idiot in Over His Head and Shit Businessman Desperate for Deliverance From a Mountain of Debt in order to, y'know, INFLUENCE THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster found out Jared was communicating with foreign officials without letting the National Security Council know, and was all "Hey, maybe cut this shady shit out," so naturally between that and saying Yuh Huh Russia Sure Did Meddle in Our Election, he's being replaced.
...so that's fun.
Oh, and allegedly, more than THIRTY additional Shart House staffers lost their clearances, too, meaning there were more than thirty random dipshits running around looking at America's most closely-guarded secrets. Fucking Omarosa probably knows where every undercover agent on the planet lives. COOL.
The whole damn executive branch seems to fall into two camps these days: under-qualified assclowns sniping at each other like middle school children, and shitty grifters trying to loot as much as they humanly can before the cops show up.
Ben Carson wants all the dirty takers to know that their free ride is over! Americans are sick and tired of seeing their taxpayer dollars wasted on housing for the less fortunate! No sir, we send our hard earned money to Washington to finance our swindler Cabinet Secretaries' luxury redecorating projects!
Seems Dr. Ben demoted a career HUD staffer for daring to suggest he park his royal ass in a chair costing even a penny less than five thousand bucks like some sort of PEASANT, because, as we all know, everything this administration does is driven by raw, unfiltered, populism!
And then there's the now-famous dining set. $31,000 might seem like an awful lot to spend on a table, but trust me, you should see how much grain it stores.
But now Chief Inspector Gowdy Doody, that Redneck Javert, is on the case, investigating Carson's little shopping spree! If he brings the same rigor and integrity to this case as he did to his Benghazi investigation, Ben's office will wind up with a waterfall and a couple of Fabergé eggs.
Cowboy Ryan Zinke has been getting his share, too. It's been a real privilege, paying the Z-Man's swanky hotel bills whenever he's felt like hangin' with his homies in the NRA, but the REAL treat was when he pulled a BLM supervisor out of his day job (which happens to be fighting wildfires) during fire season.
And Scott Pruitt says he's just doing God's will as he eviscerates the EPA, I guess cuz God wants all his children to have asthma and Legionnaires disease.
Just for the record, little man, if you had an omnipotent deity on your side, you wouldn't need a $25,000 soundproof booth in your fucking office so you can hide the fact that you're wanking off to x-rays of children's wrecked lungs from your secretary.
Another grifter, VA Secretary David Shulkin, apparently has his very own chief aides sneaking around behind his back, trying to get Congress to call for his (totally justified) firing. I bet the office parties at the VA are...Pinteresque.
I tell you what, we're about one more unjustified first-class flight away from the entire Cabinet descending into a Lord of the Flies scenario. And yes, Jeff Sessions would be Piggy.*
Hope Hicks testified before the House Intelligence Committee, following in the footsteps of colleagues like Sessions and Steve Bannon in invoking the Not Quite Executive Privilege But We All Know the Collaborating Republican Majority Will Let Us Get Away With Anything defense to avoid actually answering questions.
She did let it slip that her job as Drumpf's communications director entails regularly deceiving the American people. "White lies," she playfully labeled her ongoing campaign of dishonesty and gaslighting. Gotta give props to John Dingell for the simple, brutal, elegance of his retorting Tweet: "Even their lies are white."
Anyhow, Hicks went on to announce her resignation, wearing a custom-made "I Betrayed My Country and All I Got Was Set Up With a Serial Domestic Abuser" t-shirt. She claims she's been thinking about quitting for awhile, and that her boss' epically disastrous week and her own grilling by House Intel had nothing to do with her decision. And maybe there are even two or three people out there who believe her.
(Rumor has it the next communications director is going to be an audiobook of Seb Gorka reading Mein Kampf, so that'll be fun.)
And of course everybody knows Hicks is one of the only people our Idiot Manchild President feels comfortable around, so now we have to wonder how he'll behave without his security blanket. Lord. Like, what if the last two years is what he's like when he's comparatively well-behaved?
Man, things are totally nucking futs here in the U.S. of A., but what the shit is going on with the Drumpf Hotel down in Panama? There's some sort of management dispute between the Trump Organization and the new owners, and it's actually descended, and repeatedly, into physical violence.
...I suppose you have to expect this sort of thing when you give an organized crime family this much political power. Le sigh.
Precious Paul Manafort pleaded "Let's see how much of this shit I can get away with," and his trial is set for September. Yeah, a bunch of fall headlines about the President's campaign being run by a money-launderer should be the maraschino cherry on top of the midterms sundae.
There's actually a quite lot of news out of Muellertown these days. We're already in "What did the President know and when did he know it?" territory regarding the hacking and release of the Podesta/DNC emails. Luckily for the President, there's no video record of him publicly begging Russia to release dirt on his opponent or anything.
...wait.
And the Bobadook is also reportedly sniffing around Shartboy's weaselly attempts to rid himself of that troublesome Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th'Third!
I bet there's a friendly competition between the Foreign Collusion wing of Mueller's team and the Obstruction of Justice wing. Like, whoever saves the Republic first gets a steak dinner.
Vice President Mike Pants promised a crowd of faux Christians an end to abortion rights "in our time," apparently oblivious to all the American women who will shortly find themselves alone in a voting booth with their intentions to vote his Bad-Guy-in-Pleasantville ass straight back to the 1940's.
Hey, Jews of mid-20th Century Europe! Alaska Republican Don Young wants to know why y'all were so complicit in your own Holocaust-ing? If only you'd had the bloodthirsty maniacs of the National Rifle Associate to turn you into Good Guyz With Gunz, you could've spared yourself a whole buncha grief!
Anyway, Young is the longest-serving member of the House, but doesn't have a high school kid's grasp of world history, because in the 21st century GOP, book-learnin' is ELITIST and therefore bad.
I swear, by 2024, you're gonna see Republican candidates squabbling in debates over who reads less. "I don't even read menus, I just order a cheeseburger wherever I go!"
The President and his Attorney General are bickering, trading passive-aggressive messages through public statements and social media, which is a normal and healthy way to run the world's last remaining superpower.
Littlefinger wants Beauregard to use the Justice Department to attack his political enemies, but Beau insists he will do his job with "integrity and honor." By the way, you know Sessions had a staffer draft that statement, because he would've immediately burst into flames had he made such a blatantly ridiculous claim himself.
And now Bilbo Bigot is dining out with Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, which political journalists assure me is a big middle finger to the President, and Drumpf calls Jeff "Mr. Magoo" behind his back, because he imagines mean nicknames have the same currency in national politics as they did on the grade school playground.
I dunno. When two of history's biggest jagoffs are fighting, who do you root for? Can't we just lock Trump and Sessions inside a hammer factory and let God figure out the rest?
Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is still trying to pick out the atomic wedgie those Parkland kids gave him at the CNN town hall last week. His approval rating hit an all-time low, so maybe people aren't "buying into his agenda" as much as he likes to think.
Hey, remember back in Season One when Roger Stone testified under oath that he didn't communicate directly with Wikileaks? And Wikileaks insisted that Roger Stone never communicated directly with Wikileaks? Well it turns out Roger Stone communicated directly with Wikileaks.
But I'm sure he's telling the truth about everything else. He's just got a face you can trust, y'know?
At some point in this shitstorm, the Drudge Report took a brave little stab at setting the narrative, announcing that Shartleby the Scrivener had named Brad Parscale as his 2020 campaign manager. It was kinda cute. Then the AP dropped a little tidbit about Parscale's ties to a penny-stock fraudster, and we all moved on to the legitimately crazy stuff.
Let's check in on the state of the gun debate. Why, I'm sure it's balanced and rational, dominated by by sensible ideas designed to respect everyone's rights while simultaneously making people safer. Boring, probably.
...oh, hell.
Ex Republican CongressFuck Jason Chaffetz helpfully offered the advice that what these mouthy Marjory Stoneman kids need isn't gun control, but JESUS. In Jason's Bible, I guess God sent his only son to Earth to tell children to suck it the fuck up, cower behind their bulletproof backpacks, and hope the shooter has a bigger grudge with the kids in the classroom down the hall.
For extra fun, Marjory Stoneman has a large number of Jewish students, just to add a little Evangelical Supremacy to Chaffetz' general shittiness. "Maybe if you picked MY God, you wouldn't have experienced this horrific trauma in the first place, EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, INFIDELS?"
And, because we live in fucking awful times, that shit is somehow not even the nuttiest story on the Firearms/Religious Lunatics axis.
The Alabama Senate passed a measure to deploy the most fearsome anti-shooter measure of all: the TEN COMMANDMENTS! Yup, some old wannabe theocrat named Gerald Dial says his bill (which he's been pushing for years in oddly-non-massacre-preventing contexts) would prevent school shootings by displaying the 10 C's on school property, which would make potential shooters decide to NOT commit mass murder, I guess on the idea that they'd never stopped to consider that killing (and idol-making, while we're at it) is wrong.
Ok, we've got this gun problem figured out! Somebody tell Chris Murphy to pick out a new pet issue!
And we're STILL not at that craziest God n' Gunz story yet.
That honor falls to the blithering maniacs of the World Peace and Unification Sanctuary in Newfoundland, Pennsylvania, who laced the holy wine with a famous local meth-n-bath-salts cocktail, put on their CROWNS MADE OF BULLETS and had a big party to bless their assault rifles or some such crazy-ass shit.
Somebody shoulda locked all the doors from the outside. Stop by once a week to toss a couple jars of peanut butter and a fuckton of antipsychotic drugs through the window. Good gravy.
Of course, our actual government's behavior is only marginally less insane. The House decided to pass a new rule where they charge taxpayers for bulletproof vests...for themselves. The rest of us? We're on our own.
Smallhands Magoo, meanwhile, will merrily capitulate to one of the NRA's favorite bullshit diversions, and meet with video game makers, who, I'd like to remind you, do not make products that have ever been used in any mass shooting, or any other kind of shooting. Unlike certain irearm-fay anufacturers-may I could mention.
The Georgia legislature decided to send a big fat Fuck You to Delta Airlines over the high crime of ending their discount program partnership with the NRA. How fucking far gone do you have to be to lash out at one of the largest employers in your state in favor of the death merchant nutjobs who want to turn our public schools into armed compounds?
Having previously lost a fight with Yogurt, Alex Jones is on the brink of losing his YouTube channel, having yet again sicced his dirtbag followers on the grieving survivors of a mass-shooting, because he has a campground outhouse where other people have a soul.
And so he's begging for backup from one of the student activists, David Hogg, who Jones has claimed is a crisis actor involved in a deep state false flag blah blah blah blah who gives a fuck, the POINT is, the kid is just mercilessly dragging this piece of shit all up and down Twitter, and it's glorious to watch.
Boy howdy, the Florida state legislature never met a problem they didn't think they could solve by passing a ridiculous gun law. Yes, the originators of the murder-legalizing "stand your ground" scam are responding to the latest senseless tragedy by passing a $67 million bailout to the gun manufacturing industry, placing firearm-wielding "marshals" in every fucking school in the state, what could go wrong?
I swear, these loons will be holding hearings on repurposing medical research funds before we know it. "Cancer: Has Anybody Tried Shooting It?"
Even as Florida rushed to implement their brilliant plan, another group of children, this time in Georgia, got treated to a traumatizing day full of terror, as one of their teachers discharged a firearm in his classroom. So yeah, let's toss a few hundred thousand MORE guns into our schools. Makes sense.
Didja see that fucking gun meeting? Donnie Dotard loved the fawning obsequiousness the press lavished him with when he held that immigration meeting a few weeks back, and he wanted another hit. So he invited the cameras back to watch him blunder through a discussion on an issue he understands about as well as my cat understands particle physics.
On the one hand, he basically endorsed an Everytown wish list, from expanding background checks to banning bump stocks to raising age restrictions to even considering an assault rifle ban.
On the other, everybody understands our President is a doofus/goon/moron/doorknob/twit/schmuck/idiot who doesn't understand anything about anything, that he'll walk everything back after Wayne LaPierre yells at him for half an hour, and that Congressional Republicans will certainly try to get away with doing as little as possible anyway.
For extra fun, he suggested "Hey, let's just start taking people's guns away, because DUE PROCESS IS FOR CUCKS," which basically makes him the precise cartoon caricature of Obama the lunatic gun fringe always warned against, but somehow he still hasn't shaken the faith of his loyal Rube Army, bless their little hearts.
I guess some clever fellow tried to sneak one past the Nobel Peace Prize people, forging a nomination for everyone's least favorite Halloween Peeps Candy Accident. Gosh, between the horrific increase in civilian casualties from U.S. military operations and the lifetime of sexual assault, it's hard to imagine anyone worthier.
Shit, if anybody deserves the fucking thing, it's whichever Secret Service agent is tasked with tackling Fat Q*Bert whenever he tries to nuke Cleveland because of something LeBron James said. Put that guy on Mount Rushmore.
Steve Mnuchbag stopped by UCLA to give a little talk, but he was booed and heckled (because he's a great big asshole, you see), and Steve got real sad and told UCLA they couldn't release the video but he forgot that cellular telephones exist, and are in fact quite affordable, so there are plenty of videos of The Heckling, which you shouldn't watch unless you want to make your Treasury Secretary sad.
Anti-Semitic incidents saw their largest-ever increase during the first year of the Very Fine People administration, A COINCIDENCE, I'M SURE. Congratulations, Mr. President, you've finally found a metric where you're outpacing Obama. Of course, you've cut funding to the groups that fight this sort of thing, so it's almost like you're encouraging this shit. HASHTAG MAGA.
Getting back to Jared for a moment...Jesus Fuck, this kid's having a Matthew-Broderick-in-ELECTION-style week, isn't he? I assume at this point, he's just stumbling around the White House lawn, stepping on rake after rake after rake.
But yeah, now he's been caught giving White House meetings, even offering powerful government jobs, to people who gave his shitty criminal family nine-figure loans. Golly, I wonder when he even found time to work on that whole Middle East thing.
Anyhoo.
Turns out our beloved First Lady, she of the anti-bullying campaign that has thus far failed to extend to even to the other side of the bed, got her green card through a program designed for the truly elite, folks with "sustained national and international acclaim," known as the "Einstein visa." It appears she qualified because of some swimsuit photos. I have questions.
Hey, remember that Putin guy? The one the American President won't enforce congressionally-mandated sanctions on? Well, he had some fun today, talking up his new Mega-Rad Invincible Unblockable SuperNukez (We're all very impressed, Vlad) in a presentation highlighted by a VIDEO OF A NUCLEAR MISSILE STRIKE ON FLORIDA.
Hit him right in the golf resort. Stone cold.
...I just want my President to be harder on a dude who pulls shit like that than he is on Jemele Hill, is that really so fucking much to ask?
Our Ambassador to Mexico is stepping down, probably because she's tired of starting out every meeting by wearily repeating, "My boss wants me to ask if you've changed your mind about paying for a 20 billion dollar barrier between our counties?"
I'm sure her replacement will be some basement-dwelling redditor from Stephen Miller's Overwatch team.
And now we discover that Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes and his merry band of collaborators on the House Intelligence Committee leaked some of Senator Mark Warner's texts in a frantic bid to discredit Warner, who is, unlike Devin and Co., actually trying to protect his country from a foreign attack.
Given this administration's well-publicized anti-leak stance, I'm sure they'll call for Devin's resignation, because they are nothing if not ethically consistent. I typed that with a totally straight face. Really I did.
Inside the Shart House, I guess the wheels finally came off the wagon with the Hicks resignation. People are swinging from chandeliers, barricades have sprung up in the hallways, and the Kelly faction and the Javanka faction are in the early stages of developing their own culturally unique code languages and war paint.
Staffers are desperately seeking work elsewhere, but it turns out "low-level accessory to emoluments violations and treason" isn't an enticing resume-topper.
To these poor enablers, I want to extend all the appropriate sympathy, which is FUCKING NO SYMPATHY AT ALL, YOU COLLABORATING FUCKS. You knew what you were getting into. You saw the hate rallies. You heard the Access Hollywood tape. You signed up anyway. You made your choice. Wear it, like a Scarlet Letter, painted in fecal matter on your fucking forehead, for the remainder of your shitty, misbegotten lives.
President Poostain himself, unmoored, unhinged, desperate to change the subject and rack up some sort of "win," blundered out on television, where, safe from his killjoy advisors, he finally announced the opening salvo in his long-desired trade war.
And, WONDER OF WONDERS, all the bad things everybody told him would happen if he did such a dumbfuck thing...happened! Almost immediately! The stock market plummeted. Members of his own party tripped over one another to go on TV to shit on him. And of course, the entire world, including allies like Canada and the E.U., threatened retaliation.
But Donnie Dotard doesn't care. He has visions of steel mills popping up like dandelions clouding his vision. "They'll love me then, you'll see, Dad! They'll finally all fill in the cavernous emptiness that's existed in my soul since you sent me to military school, DAD!"
Smarter folks than I have pointed out that maybe starting a trade war with China right when you need their help reining in North Korea is kind of thing only a Great Big Fucking Dope would do. Well, thanks to the electoral college, a Great Big Fucking Dope is exactly who gets to make these decisions. YAY.
Ok, there absolutely can't POSSIBLY be anyth- WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? No, Utah House of Representatives, I do not have time for your White Folks Rapping video. Fuck you. TODAY IS NOT THE DAY FOR THIS SHIT.
While we're on Utah, it seems Orrin Hatch has given up on the whole "pretending to respect his constituents" thing now that his days of facing voters are behind him. If you're one of those types who likes Obamacare, perhaps because it gave you health insurance or even life-saving treatment, Old Man Hatch wants you know what a big doodoobrained "dumbass" you are.
What's great, Utah, is that he's ALWAYS held common people in this much contempt, but you just kept sending him back to Washington anyway. I'm sure Mitt Romney will give you the same treatment, fucking you over with an big empty smile on his face.
Affable HateYokel Mike Huckabee got booted from the Country Music Association Foundation board after just one day, because he's a despicable bigot who has no place in decent society, and godDAMN it's nice to see people finally treating him like one.
I'm TRYING to get to the end of this goddamn post, I really am, but news just keeps breaking...
Now NBC says the Mueller investigation is preparing a fresh batch of charges for the group of Russians responsible for hacking and distributing the DNC/Podesta emails. And there was a great changing of underpants amongst the President's inner circle.
That Mueller guy's all over EVERYTHING, isn't he? I'm paying off my library fines, just in case.
And now Princess Ivanka finally has an FBI investigation of her very own! That won't upset her daddy at all! Why, after the low-key week he's having, I'm sure he'll take this news in stride and not do anything insane like declare war on Finland.
...I'm too old to be drafted, right?
I see Former Drumpf Campaign Official/Celebrity Stool Pigeon Rick Gates had to cancel a planned family spring break excursion to Boston because of threats from the Russian Mafia. That's a tough break, you cheap traitor, but hey, I bet you can parlay it into the next screenplay in the National Lampoon's Vacation series! SILVER LININGS!
Ok...fucking hell. I think that's all of it. Or most of it. I'm sure that, at the very moment I'm typing this, Steve Bannon is getting arrested for sacrificing a goat in a ceremony designed to summon an Elder God or something, but I no longer care. This ruined world can have its relentless, unforgiving news cycle. I'mma watch old Duck Tales cartoons until sleep, blessed sleep, wraps me in her news-obliterating embrace. Fuck this shit.
PS, yeah, just when I'm at the end of my rope, NPR drops a story on the NRA's ties with a Putin-connected Russian politician. Tell you what, YOU read the fucking thing, tell me all about it in the morning.
*And yes, that means Devin Nunes would try to fuck him.
Today, We Gather as One People to Celebrate Our President's Hypothetical Bravery (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Great leaders inspire. Some with their actions, others with...proclamations of what they're pretty sure their actions would have been. Ok, maybe that second kind isn't so great. But it's what we're stuck with.
(I bet you know this by now, but this post can be found, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/trumps-hypothetical-bravery/)
I don't know if I covered this in the last blog, but Paul Manafort got himself a fresh set of shiny new indictments. It's like he's at the all-you-can-eat indictment bar, and really wants his money's worth, y'know? He probably got indicted again while you were reading this.
My point is, I reserve the right to periodically miss news of yet another Manafort indictment, because the fucker gets indicted like Jughead eats hamburgers. Going forward, unless specifically informed otherwise, assume Paul Manafort got indicted again.
Anyhoo, Paulie's sidekick Rick Gates has for real and for sure this time actually decided to take a plea deal and cooperate with the Bobadook. Unless he gets cold feet again at the sentencing. Such a flighty little money launderer!
Don't ask Gates to pick out a restaurant, is all I'm saying.
Before we move on, I want to make sure everybody takes an extra moment to laugh at Manafort, who seems to gotten caught at least in part because he needed help converting a document from PDF format to Word. "I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you kids and your newfangled computers!" he'll bellow, as he's led away in chains.
...you sort of expect the whole house of cards to eventually come tumbling down because Mike Pence never cleared the treason e-mails out of his spam folder.
The NRA's meltdown continues, as the American people continue to rally around a controversial, new, "Tired of Being Murdered" platform.
Because they're nasty, hateful, dishonest, monsters with no good arguments, the gun nut crowd doesn't know what the fuck to do about the teenagers who are fucking up their shit so royally. So they just keep attacking the kids, which naturally backfires, because they are, after all, grieving children who never should have had to go through what they've gone through.
And when you attack grieving children, you look like a massive fuckwad. (I mean, if you attack grieving children, you ARE a massive fuckward.) So the teens keep spreading their message and gaining support, and every hour or so another dickhead loses their shit and starts screaming that a photo of some of them smiling is irrefutable proof that they're all crisis actors because everyone knows that experiencing grief means you never enjoy a single moment of your life ever again.
Still, the corporate partners keep fleeing, the polling has become genuinely brutal, and to be perfectly frank, the NRA just never bothered to prepare more than a few days' worth of bullshit talking points, because the Tread Water Until the Media Moves On strategy has served them so well for so long.
Georgia's Lieutenant Governor threatened Georgia-based Delta Airlines that they better give the death merchants their discounts back or boy oh boy will I retaliate when we're writing tax laws, which is pretty much the Most Free Market Thing Ever.
It sure is neat when elected officials threaten to punish companies that don't support said elected officials' favored lobbying organizations. Ah, the tyranny of Not Getting a Discount! Surely the founding fathers are rolling in their very graves at such injustice!
Now, staring down a midterm electoral spanking, and a foe who relentlessly refuses to stop absolutely owning them on social media, the GOP has shifted from "You can pry gun control laws from our cold dead hands" to "what's the bare minimum we can get away with doing?" which I guess counts as progress.
So today maybe we ban bump stocks and close background check loopholes...tomorrow we boot NRA stooges from congress in a beautiful blue wave.
Oh, but the Shart campaign is actually FUNDRAISING off a picture of his blink-and-you'll-miss-me, hurry-up-I'm-late-for-a-disco-party, pop-in visit with a hospitalized shooting victim, because hey, when you've left decency so far behind you, why bother with appearances?
Another survivor commented that she'd "never been so unimpressed by a person in my life," after receiving an awkward condolence call from the Amazing Man Without Empathy, and the rest of America was all "I feel you, sister."
Anyway, I bet the strategy of bombarding the survivors with death threats will work out really well for you, gun nuts. Truly, what does the American public love more? Who can forget Paul Revere's famous Midnight Anonymous Death Threat Marathon?
The annual gathering of frothy maniacs known as CPAC came to an end with one prominent speaker musing about what a mistake it was that one time they let a black guy be RNC chair and also are we 100% sure that surrendering at the end of the Civl War is totally binding?
Meanwhile, another speaker got roundly booed and heckled for saying a bunch of total libtard shit like "Maybe we shouldn't invite white supremacists to talk at our conventions," "sexual assault is bad and therefore sexual assaulters are bad," and of course the straight-out-of-Alinksy "running child molesters for United States Senate is an additional thing which is bad."
Nice folks, that CPAC crowd.
"Senior Advisor" Ivanka Trump played diplomat in South Korea over the weekend, because while we COULD leave statecraft to experienced professionals, really, what does the government of the United States of America exist for, if not to let the President's daughter try on various critical jobs like so many hats?
Maybe next week she'll head over to the FDA to approve whatever drugs happen to be dispensed in pills that compliment her fall handbag line.
While Princess Ivanka wants you to know that growing up playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego qualifies her to conduct diplomacy at the highest levels, she is simultaneously an unjustly put-upon private citizen when a journalist asks her to comment on her father's well-documented history of being a skeevy, rapey, pervert.
Yeah, the Princess gets super-indignant when that shit comes up, because she really wants to be known as a Mighty Champion of Women Everywhere without actually, y'know...doing anything to champion women anywhere. And also letting her "I own a beauty pageant so I can ogle naked teenagers" shitsack dad off the hook.
I'm starting to wonder if Demanding Credit for Being an Awesome Person When You're Actually a Garbage Person might not be genetic.
Adam Schiff's memo was finally released, and it immediately slapped Devin Nunes' memo right in the face with its giant dick. If memos had faces. Or dicks. Which I don't believe they do, though the Schiff memo is heavily redacted.
Anyway, the new memo reveals Nunes is a lying liar who lies about everything, from the origins of the Russia investigation to the sweet nothings he whispers in the ears of the British Saddleback he's had an on-again, off-again thing with since September.
(He'll never leave his wife, Beulah. You should find someone who appreciates you.)
Word on the street is, Sharty McFly wants to make his personal pilot the head of the whole fucking Federal Aviation Administration. Fine. Whatever. Oh, by the way, Stormy Daniels is Chairman of the Joint Chiefs now.
The Velveeta Vulgarian's lawyers continue their desperate search for some reason, other than "C'mon, man, you can't put him under oath, he'll lie about what color his tie is!" to shield their client from an interview with Robert Mueller. The latest, and most laughable tack is that he's...hold on, this is hard to even type...he's...heheheheheh...he's too...HAHAHAHAHAHH...too BUSY!
BUSY! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH! Oh fuck. Couldn't interrupt the four hours of live-tweeting cable news, right? Or the weekly golf vacations?
Axios reports that Tangerine Idi Amin talks privately about imposing the death penalty on drug dealers, because the leader of the free world looks upon a murderous thug like Rodrigo Duterte with envy, heaven help us all.
CNN informed us that none of the six Republican Congressdopes heading the committees tasked with oversight of the executive branch will investigate the Marmalade Shartcannon's personal finances because...hell, because they know they'd turn up a fuckton of extremely illegal shit, and they'd just rather not do that.
Whatever. We'll just have to pry those gavels out of their grubby, collaborating, hands. The midterms are closer than they've ever been, fuckheads.
...Now they're even closer.
A new NBC/Marist poll says 82% of registered voters laughed their fucking asses off when they heard Donnie Dotard claim he would've run into the Parkland high school during the shooting, wrestling the assailant to the ground with his entirely normal-sized man hands.
Yes, Fat Q*Bert's tales of hypothetical bravery were met with what historians will likely call The Great National Eyeroll of 2018. And then of course we spent the rest of the day talking about how he's a draft dodging coward who's afraid of everything from germs to stairs.
Be honest...how many times did you watch that gif of him cowering next to that eagle? I'm at like, 60.
Before I sign off, let's check in on the Shitty Cinemax Softcore Porn Film known as...MISSOURI POLITICS!
Recently Indicted (Though Not Nearly as Many Times as Paul Manafort) Governor Eric Greitens now faces an investigation by the Mizzou State House, plus calls to resign from members of his own party. The moral of the story here is DON'T TIE PEOPLE UP NAKED SO YOU CAN TAKE PHOTOS TO BLACKMAIL THEM WITH, which apparently is a lesson we need to be teaching people in these troubled times. Aesop had some blind spots, I guess.
And serial pedophile Roy Moore popped up to endorse Douchey Woman-Hater Courtland Sykes in the state's GOP Senate primary, because there's an angel up there looking out for Claire McCaskill, and it is an angel with one sick sense of humor.
...I look forward to the Moore/Sykes Presidential ticket in 2020, running as candidates of the Why Isn't Dinner on the Table Yet, Child Bride? Party.
And I guess ex-Fux Nooz commentator Stacey Dash has decided to run for congress. She's picked a heavily Democratic district and a wave year, so you have to wonder...does she think she can really win, or is she just...CLUELESS? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHH GET IT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN A MOVE CALLED 'CLUELESS' I BET I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE THAT JOKE HAHAAHAHAH!
...sorry.
Anyhow, it is Shower Cap's one and only BIRTHDAY tomorrow, so I'm gonna turn in early. Celebrate the occasion by spreading my stuff around like so much manure. (Or, if you're so inclined...buy me a beer!)
Nut Punches to the NRA AND Humiliation for Marco Rubio? What Should I do with my 3rd Wish? (Ferret)
In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that Shower Cap is still a bit under the weather tonight, and thus tonight's post was composed by a crisis blogger.
(Post available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/nut-punches-nra-humiliation-marco-rubio-third-wish/)
Bad news for the deluded fools who imagined Mitt Romney's Utah Senate run would herald the return of decency to the Republican Party, as Mittens wasted no time whatsoever abasing himself over the Marmalade Shartcannon's endorsement.
You almost feel sorry for these guys. Like, do you not remember how quickly all of Mitt's bold criticisms of Trump vanished into thin air once he got a whiff of the Secretary of State post? Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, Mitt Romney gotta pander. Death, taxes, Mitt Romney abandoning his loudly-professed "values."
Fresh drama on The Real Jagoffs of the Executive Branch! General Kelly and Jared Kushner are having a slap fight over access to highly classified intelligence! Kelly takes the How the Fuck is This Even a Little Bit Controversial position that if you, say, can't get your security clearance because of the OVER ONE HUNDRED LIES, excuse me, "errors and ommisions" on your clearance forms, then maybe you shouldn't get to casually peruse the most sensitive information on the planet.
Jar-Jar counters that he really WANTS to keep getting top secret intel, because it makes him feel like a big special boy and he needs all the help he can get to get out of financial trouble and also to "bring peace to the Middle East," snicker snicker.
I SWEAR I read something about Republicans being mad at Hillary Clinton over her irresponsible handling of classified intel, but that can't be right, that would mean all these people are enormous hypocrites!
...wait.
And National Security Advisor/Non-Turkish Agent H.R. McMaster may be on the way out! Donnie Two-Scoops is super mad that H.R. said mean things about the Russians interfering in our elections, and hey, having one competent guy hanging around makes everyone else look bad, right?
McMaster's replacement is rumored to be a Teddy Ruxpin doll equipped with a cassette tape filled with compliments of the President's hair.
But most of the news this week has been about guns and gun control. Normally, the media has moved on from the latest mass shooting tragedy by now, but these Stoneman Douglas kids are savvy as fuck, and they've just been tap-dancing on the NRA's balls for days now, with no signs of letting up.
Several surviving students travelled to the Florida capital, just in time to sit in the gallery as the House voted overwhelmingly to not even bother going through the motions of pretending to consider an assault weapons ban.
Understandably, the students became emotional, because it sucks to see the people who're supposed to be your representatives stand right in front of you, middle fingers raised high, declaring that they don't give a fuck about your suffering and won't do one fucking thing to spare anyone else the same fate.
Perhaps I'm being too hard on Florida legislature. They were, in all fairness, busy declaring pornography a public health risk. Surely, who can forget the tragedy that took place when that one guy rampaged through a school, killing 17 students and teachers with a sticky VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas?
...hang on.
Dinesh D'Souza, reading the moment with Trumpian clarity, took the children's despair as cue for a victory lap. "In your FACE, kids-whose-friends-were-murdered!!!!! GOOOOOOO TEAM MURDER!"
There are no longer intellectuals in the Republican Party, only trolls.
And Dinesh isn't even the shittiest shitsack to open up their shit mouth and vomit their diarrhea into the world.
GOP CongressDemon Claudia Tenney, apparently super-eager for her really-quite-swingable district's voters to boot her indecent ass straight to the private sector, raged about how the LIBRUL MEDIA covers up how mass shooters are usually Dirty Democrats like how "Dylann Roof" is really David Plouffe's stage name for when he does his cabaret show and also shoots up churches.
Point is, Tenney is hot trash and we really need to make sure that Blue Wave saves a splash for the New York 22nd.
And let's not forget Shart, Jr., merrily spreading the vilest conspiracy theories from the most deranged corners of the far-right jagosphere. Again, how utterly broken do you have to be to require a deep state conspiracy to explain anti-gun activism from a kid whose classmates were murdered?
Anyway, forget the asshole brigade for a minute. Let's stand up and applaud these teenagers! You see these young people standing up right in the face of the NRA's paid stooges, calling them exactly what they are, which is uncaring profiteers, and you wonder...why didn't we do this ages ago?
And shit, y'all...watching these clips of Marco Rubio getting so thoroughly OWNED, over and over, by these kids, and their teachers and parents...I'll never need pornography again. It's the sexxxiest thing I've ever seen.
Rubio, the emptiest shirt this side of Hawley Griffin, panicked and pandered a bit, but swiftly took to the Electronic Tweeting Machine to reassure his death merchant masters of his fidelity.
NRA SpokesDemon Dana Loesch was on her best behavior, and let's talk about what it says about the state of your soul when your BEST behavior involves so much deception, condescension, and concern trolling.
Loesch didn't have to wait long to wash the stink of faux decency off. The very next day, before the raving hoards at CPAC, she belched up some bile about mass shootings being the media's fault, because...well, there's never any "because," not really. There doesn't need to be. That audience doesn't need details, just a target to hate.
(Also at CPAC, Ted Cruz boasted about his role in keeping weapons of war legally available to any asshole who wants them, I guess because he feels he's not getting enough credit for the 17 Parkland funerals. He went on to declare Democrats the "party of Lisa Simpson," because resentment of intelligence is a core conservative value.)
Now, the Quivering Custard Coward was absolutely not man enough to attend to the CNN town hall, so he hosted his own "listening session," with a friendlier crowd in much safer space. Few were the calls for gun control, and the big takeaway was that the President of the United States of America required a cheat sheet to be reminded to demonstrate empathy, because he is a sociopath who otherwise would've started hitting on the high school girls.
(Can we talk about the kind of human being who needs to write "I hear you" down? We've got a President who couldn't handle a customer service gig at the Gap.)
Anyhow, the Velveeta Vulgarian displayed the full range of his mental prowess, suggesting that one thing that might help would be if movies and video games had some sort of "ratings" system designed to keep children away from excessively violent content.
Yeah, that happened, folks. In real life. Next week he'll hold a press conference to call for cup holders in automobiles.
Oh, and he wants to arm teachers. He's particularly pleased with the economics of his little idea, because it's cheaper than hiring armed guards. Yep, while making sure everyone's up to speed on the Pythagorean theorem, or exploring the themes of MADAME BOVARY, your overworked-and-underpaid public school teacher will now be expected to keep the corner of their eye on the classroom door, prepared to stave off a mass-murderer at a moment's notice. MAKES SENSE.
Meanwhile, we also learned that during the Parkland shooting, the designated "good guy with a gun," a sheriff's deputy, rather than engaging the shooter...froze. Now, this is sad for all kinds of reasons, and I don't want to dump on this guy, he's gonna spend the rest of his life punishing himself, and he probably should.
But can we at least learn the important lesson here? So much of the lunacy from the gibbering gun nut crowd is based on the idea that only MORE guns will make us safer, because once the bullets start flying, Captain Good Guy, despite his lack of experience or training, will calmly put two or three right between the (more heavily-armed) shooter's eyes, EASY-PEASY.
So, honestly, HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE to imagine it'd be that simple? Here we have a trained, professional, law-enforcement officer who FROZE. There are all kinds of dispiriting statistics out there regarding the shooting accuracy of ACTUAL COPS. News flash, cowboys; a live shooter situation is a WEE BIT more stressful than Call of Duty. YES, EVEN THE LAST FEW LEVELS.
Just a suggestion, but maybe we should stop considering the baseless fantasies of underdeveloped manchildren when we're sorting out life or death issues.
But the news is better than it's ever been. Things really are different this time. "Yeah, we've heard that before!" shouts the cynic in the back. Fair.
But looka here: the NRA's brand is FINALLY becoming as toxic as it deserves to be, and the corporate partnerships are evaporating. First National Bank of Omaha announced they're discontinuing their NRA (10% cash back on bullets that murder children!) credit card. And later in the day, a major car rental conglomerate pulled out, too.
It's gonna take awhile, but we've finally got these fuckers on the run. November 6th is going to be a very bad night for the National Rifle Association.
Iowa Republican CongressThing Rod Blum violated some ethics rules, probably because he's seeking a cabinet post, and if you don't have a few crimes on your resume, you can't even get your foot in the door these days.
Oh, and the GOP has paid Donnie Dotard's ex-bodyguard, Keith Schiller, more than 75 grand out a slush fund with is totally not hush money, shut up, your FACE is hush money!
Didja see that thing where the President of United States threatened to withdraw a law enforcement agency from a state he's mad at, the idea being, the ensuing crime wave would make them so sorry that they'd come crawling back and beg him to unleash his ICEstapo on them once more, and also maybe teach them how to tie their neckties so freakishly long, we're sorry for mocking it, it's actually really stylish?
So apparently Rick Gates will NOT be rolling over and plea bargaining just yet. Instead, he's got his legal team playing musical chairs, I think he's claiming to be represented by Paul Newman's character from THE VERDICT by now.
Anyhow, Bob Mueller said, "That's cool, bro, you do you," and promptly slapped him (and Manafort) upside the head with a fresh new 32-count indictment. THIRTY-TWO. FUCK.
If they've been keeping up their punch cards, Manafort and Gates will eligible for a free indictment soon!
Mueller also indicted Dutch lawyer Alex van der Zwaan, son-in-law of a Tremendously Fancy Russia Oligarch, for his attempts to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D and kill Nick Fury. Excuse me, for "lying to investigators."
The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services' mission will no longer include language about our country being "a nation of immigrants" because didn't you get the memo, white people are totally native to this continent now, in fact Stephen Miller sprung, fully formed, from his own forehead!
Hey, if you were hoping to see video of a Nazi with outstanding warrants physically threatening an American journalist, Seb Gorka has good news for you!
Just to wrap up on a note of raw schadenfreude, Missouri Governor Eric Greitens' non-consensual-dirty-picture-taking habit caught up with him in a big fucking way. Yes, 49 of our governors were not taken into custody by law enforcement today; the other one was Eric Greitens.
Greitens, a protege of Mike Pence, is 31 flavors of fucked now. Indicted by a grand jury, with an investigation by the state House about to launch, I don't think he's a GOP "rising star" anymore, do you?
Oh, and the Candycorn Skidmark tweeted a widely-debunked story about CNN banning a kid from the town hall for refusing to read a scripted question. No biggie, just the leader of the free world using his platform to spread misinformation as part of his ongoing war on the free press.
There's probably more, but I really need to watch those Rubio videos some more.
Happy Presidents Day, Ya Filthy Animal: On Decency, Disco, and Doping While Curling
Well, because the Deep State fears my work, they have infected me once again with the stomach flu. I've vomited on this blog post several times. I did my best to clean it up, but make sure to sanitize your screen after reading. (Or, get the post cleaner, and with links at: http://showercapblog.com/happy-presidents-day-ya-filthy-animal-decency-disco-doping-curling/)
It doesn't feel right to celebrate Presidents Day this year, not with this President. You shouldn't get the day off school, there should be extra school. We should all have to mine coal for five hours while the PA system broadcasts a documentary on the dangers of fake news, narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.
The level of day-to-day fuckery is so high with this malicious clown, it seems to take something truly obscene to genuinely shock us anymore.
Well, Donald J. Trump, (The "J" stands for "No way 'empathy' is a real word, General Kelly, you just made that up!" bitter at being trapped inside his club but unable to golf (wow, there's a Twilight Zone moment for ya) for two whole days in order to maintain the facade that he gives half a rat's ass about anybody, least of all the children murdered in Parkland, took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to expose the darkest shit-stained corners of his withered, decaying, soul.
Sure, there was all the anticipated whining, the blame deflection, the nonsensical, dishonest, babbling about Obama and Hillary and the dossier. All that, while deeply humiliating for this nation we love, was, alas, totally expected.
But that wasn't enough, was it?
No, the Hairplug That Ate Decency, who remains too cowardly to face the the activist survivors of the Parkland shooting, who fled his responsibilities as the nation's consoler-in-chief by flitting as quickly as possible through a couple of token photo ops with a shiteating grin and a thumbs up, had the audacity to prop up the dead bodies of murdered children as shield to cower behind.
If only the FBI wasn't spending so much time on the Russia investigation (and even he doesn't dare call it a hoax anymore, not after the latest indictments), the shooting wouldn't have happened. That's the story. The men and women working to protect the country from a hostile foreign adversary are somehow to blame for this senseless act of violence, for they are investigating poor, put-upon, Donald Trump.
God, the obscenity of it.
Won't say a single word condemning Russia for attacking us. Won't lift a finger to protect the country he is literally in charge of protecting. Instead, he assaults the nation's law enforcement for uncovering a crime, using the casualties of an unspeakable tragedy as his cudgel.
He went to a fucking DISCO PARTY rather than meet with anyone who might make him a little bit uncomfortable. A DISCO PARTY.
Fortunately, America is packed to the gills with citizens possessing far greater decency than their President.
The teenage survivors of the shooting are leading the charge, and it's Capra-on-steroids-level inspiring. They're calling BS. They're organizing marches. Others have called for a nationwide school walkout.
You folks just tell me where to stand.
GOP donor Al Hoffman, Jr. says he's shutting off that sweet cashmoney spigot until Republicans agree to support an assault weapons ban. Rick Scott, drenched with sweat and freaking out from withdrawal, was all "C'mon, man, just a taste, we're friends," but so far Al has held firm. Here's hoping a few more follow his example.
Meanwhile the usual suspects are deploying their usual tactics, hoping to deflect the outrage until the nation moves on. Everybody's blaming their own personal favorite scapegoat.
The religious right blames America's declining morality, while circling the wagons around the pussygrabbing traitor.
Jeff Sessions helpfully suggests gangs had something to do with a man who was not in a gang committing mass murder.
And Steve Bannon probably blames the rising cost of gin. Who the fuck cares what these bought-and-paid-for lackeys say? Push them out of the way, especially when we VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, and let's build a world where nobody has to listen to some blathering idiot claiming armed teachers and bulletproof backpacks are the answer EVER AGAIN.
And of course, no shooting tragedy is complete without the jibbering maniacs of the far-right declaring the whole thing was massive false flag staged conspiracy! I think it says a lot about a person when they can't understand why someone would speak out against guns after their teachers and classmates were murdered.
Some people actually care...about other people. Shocking, I know.
Oh, and getting back to the unfiltered indecency for a minute, a White House official even expressed gratitude for the massacre, because it forced the Rob Porter scandal out of the headlines, and gave Team Obscene a little "reprieve."
Jesus Fuck. What's truly disgusting is, that off-the-record official is totally right. John Kelly should absolutely be fired for giving a serial domestic abuser access to classified intel when he couldn't get a security clearance, but Florida took the heat off. LUCKY BREAK, HUH, GENERAL?
Y'know what disqualifies you from advising this President? Expertise. In any field. If you know anything about anything, Government Cheese Goebbels doesn't wanna hear from you.
Y'know what qualifies you to advise this President? Dropping the $200,000 Marm-a-Lago membership fee right into his shitty little pocket, next to the ketchup packets he always keeps handy in case somebody surprises him with a steak.
Looks like Spittle-Drenched Conspiracy-Monger Wayne Allyn Root took advantage of the opportunity, no doubt to urge sensible action. Or wait, maybe he just wants every American school patrolled by flying death robots. Sounds reasonable.
Gosh, I got so caught up exploring the insane state of the gun debate in this country, I almost forgot the thing where the Mueller investigation detailed a massive foreign conspiracy to interfere in our elections, and also the other bit where the President of the United States doesn't seem to care much.
A Shart House SpokesDope insisted boogeymen like "Democrats" and "the media" were actually much worse than the Russians, because exposing a crime, or working to punish the perpetrators and make sure they don't do it again is much much worse than committing the crime in the first place. Duh. Law school 101.
Anyway, it's super fun poking around the embarrassingly-simple troll farm operations that tore our country apart and installed a Broken Down Diaper Service Truck in our most powerful office. "Even the trolls" were surprised at what they could get the armies of enraged rubes to believe.
After Pizzagate, nothing would surprise me. If anybody's planning a War of the Worlds type radio show, let's hold off for a more discerning populace, 'kay?
So Rick Gates will indeed plead guilty and testify against his old partner, Paul, who is now more #Manafucked than ever. Neat.
If we can take a step back for a minute to look at the larger picture...we've got THREE high ranking officials on the Drumpf campaign who are now confessed felons, one of whom served as National Security Advisor, with a fourth under indictment.
Somehow we've agreed to this narrative where SHARTUS isn't in any real trouble unless "collusion" is proved, but we have AN ENTIRE CAMPAIGN RUN BY FELONS, and I don't think people care as much about that as they should.
It seems Scott Pruitt has some sort of special "waiver" that lets him fly first class (at your expense and mine) whenever he feels like going anyplace. My sources tell me this "waiver" comes in the form of a laminated hall pass, and that the other kids in the Cabinet are jealous of Scott for hogging it, and Ryan Zinke is tired of riding in the back with the peasants.
Speaking of the unwashed masses, Donnie Dotard's budget calls for the elimination of the program that provides heating assistance subsidies to low income citizens, because to Republicans, if you're poor, you don't deserve to live.
HA HA WHAT A FUNNY JOKE, CAP, "IF YOU'RE POOR..." oh wait that really is what their whole philosophy comes down to, isn't it, ha...ha? I wonder how "If you're poor, you don't deserve to live" would look on a red ballcap?
And Shartboy, Jr., is taking a little trip to India to see if he can't parlay access to his gullible dipshit dad into some quick n' easy cash. Despite not being a government official of any kind, Junior will be delivering a "foreign policy" speech, which will likely consist of showing off the 7th grade geography quiz he finally passed last week.
Pennsylvania Republicans are throwing a shitfit today, and not just because women and black people can vote. Y'see, the state Supreme Court handed down their new congressional district map, and it is no longer Gerrymandered For Their Pleasure. Under the new map, Dems have a good chance to pick up a seat or two or three, which Republicans say is unfair, because on a level playing field, they'll actually pay a political price for garbage policies.
CNN reports Mueller's interest in Jared Kushner is growing, which really shouldn't surprise us. After all, for the first 30 minutes of the movie, Mueller was always talking about how irritating he found young Jar-Jar, and you know that always means they end up getting together in the end.
I guess Bashful Bob sees something there he never saw before. Is it the tilt of his head, the glint in his eye? Or could it be his well-publicized desperation to leverage his government post for a Kushner family bailout?
We may never know, but...Young Luv, right?
Hey, just because the Super Bowl has come and gone doesn't mean we're not still ready for some FOOTBALL, right? In this case, the nuclear football! Axios reports a "scuffle" in China, over That Thing That Can Launch Commands to End All Life on Earth.
So that's fun. A little slapstick over the nuclear football, some dumbass got caught doping FOR CURLING, and KFC's out of chicken. Sounds about right. See you at the Mad Hatter's place, round about tea time.
Oh, and there's a MAGA dating site now. You have to take an IQ test to sign up, and if you pass, they don't let you in.
I'm putting this up a little early tonight, so I get back to my NyQuil-infused dreams. I hope I pick up where I left off last night, I was in the middle of an adaptation of Der Ring des Nibelungen as imagined by Julie Taymor in partnership with Timothy Leary. Hour six. Good shit.
Mueller Sends Late Valentines to 13 Russian Friends, and Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)
This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror.
But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet's all-you-can-stomach news buffet. Wheeeeee. As always, check out the madness, with links, at http://showercapblog.com/mueller-sends-late-valentines-13-russian-friends/
So the Republican Party is back to doing what it does best; increasing human suffering! This time, the House GOP voted to undermine the Americans with Disabilities Act, because...fuck it, I don't have any jokes. Because they're bad people, ok?
With the tax bill, and the immigration debate, and gun control, and health care, and Trump, and all the other shit they've put us through this last year-and-change, let's just call a spade a spade. These are shitty people, and they do shitty things. There. I said it. I feel great.
Anyhoo, see where the Velveeta Urinal Cake gave himself a sturdy pat on the back for getting GM to relocate a factory from South Korea to Detroit, only that isn't a thing that's actually happening because he just made it up?
I only bring this up to mention that my chain of Bathrobe-and-Luchador-Mask shops will soon be expanding into not only Detroit, but Oz, Latveria, Narnia, and Arrakis.
A little light grifting over at the Department of Veterans affairs, where the Secretary's Chief of Staff resigned after getting caught doctoring e-mails to force upon the American people the privilege of paying for the Secretary's wife's vacation. Honestly, this seems hardly worth mentioning amidst the larger crimes of this cabal. Call me when you build a soundproof booth in your office, you fucking amateurs.
Speaking of Scott Pruitt, he says that because he got yelled at a couple of times, he's entitled to a taxpayer-funded first class safe space whenever he travels. Pruitt added that it's "really cool that Americans are willing to work so hard to provide me with the extra leg room and all those little tiny wine bottles. I'd thank you all, but I'm kind of a dick."
Turning things over to our gossip columnist for a moment, look out ladies! It seems Rob Porter is back on the market!
...seriously, though. Look out. He's a serial domestic abuser, and I imagine he's unusually angry these days, even by his own standards. If you see Rob Porter, just call the police. Unless you have mace, in which case, mace him, and then call the police.
The fallout of the Porter shitstorm also turned up more than 100 Shart House staffers working without permanent security clearances. So yeah, you're looking at intelligence at the highest levels of classification being handled by...who the fuck knows? An oh-so-blackmailable wife-beater, and Jared Kushner, who just amended his security forms AGAIN because he keeps forgetting all the places he owes money? Dang, I feel safe.
I seem to remember some allegations of irresponsible handling of classified information being brought up once or twice during Hillary Clinton's campaign, but...y'know, I read a lot of stuff, I may just be imagining that.
Oh hey, Paul Manafort's sidekick rolled over on him? That Gates fellah? He's working on a plea deal and cooperating with the Mueller investigation? That's fun!
Hope you enjoyed that last Thanksgiving, Paulie, because now more than ever, you are truly...#Manafucked.
(Even more #Manafucked than I thought, I guess. While I was drafting, Bashful Bob turned up fresh new evidence of bank fraud on the former Drumpf campaign head's part. I'm starting to think there's something fishy about this Manafort fellow.)
Laura Ingraham has some ideas on who's allowed to have political opinions, and SPOILERZ, it certainly isn't black people!
Laura wants everyone to understand how super-deluxe-un-racist she is, even as she demands that LeBron James and Kevin Durant shut their (black) mouths and keep their (black) opinions to their (black) selves.
Yes, this is the same Ingraham that gave Trump a Nazi salute at the RNC back when we all still thought Americans were too decent to elect a Malignant HateClown President, by the way.
If you blinked, you probably missed the immigration "debate" Mitch McConnell, in his gracious majesty, permitted on the floor of the Senate. Since the Grifter Grand Wizard announced his intentions to veto any bill that didn't qualify as Pornography Custom-Made for Klansmen, two compromise bills with bipartisan support failed to overcome a Racist Shitbag, excuse me, "Republican Party" filibuster.
Of course, Trump's preferred bill (The "Stephen Miller Thinks It's So Sexy He Printed Out a Copy to Rub Sensually Across His Giant Bald Spot Act of 2018" failed hardest of all, managing only 39 votes. In related news, 39 Republican Senators are not so very different from the Very Fine People of the Charlottesville marches.
As you know, there was another horrific school shooting, with 17 fatalities. I don't understand how this happened, friends. I mean, after the last mass shooting, we did precisely nothing, so WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
Well, I'm sure the Absolutely Nothing we do this time will work much better than all the previous Absolutely Nothings.
Fat Q*Bert, like a good little NRA stooge, was quick to point to the shooter's mental health in the immediate aftermath, hoping no one would remember that time he signed a bill making it easier for people with mental illnesses to buy guns, or that time he called for massive cuts to mental health treatment.
And Senator Marco Rubio, notoriously Jell-O-legged on literally everything else, declared with the confidence of Moses walking down from the mountain that anyone who's ever committed a mass shooting would have absolutely found some magical method to kill exactly the same the number of people as they did with the assault rifles we make so readily available for reasons that defy sanity.
When asked to provide anything even remotely resembling evidence for the claim he pulled directly out his ass, Senator Rubio said, "No further comment, I have to spend the rest of the afternoon counting all the money the NRA has donated to my campaigns. If you guys could just play this interview on loop next time somebody murders a bunch of kids with an assault rifle, we can all save ourselves a bunch of time and hassle, k?"
If that guy in Las Vegas didn't have his bump stock, he'd just have slaughtered those 58 human beings with blow darts, right, Marco?
Somehow Rubio isn't even the biggest asshole shooting his mouth-sphincter off about Why Guns Are the Real Victim of This Mass Shooting. Meet North Carolina State Representative Larry Pittman, (Guess his party. Just GUESS.) who suggests we need to keep an eye on "Communist Democrats," who are shooting up schools so they'll have an excuse to take away Larry Pittman's armory and take over the country, and then, no doubt, THE WORLD.
Net-Neutrality-Castrating Douchebag Ajit Pai seems to be under investigation for maybe just maybe improperly castrating net neutrality for the benefit of Sinclair Broadcasting.
I tell you what, the handful of Drump appointees who AREN'T under investigation are starting to suffer from Inspector General Envy. Sonny Perdue is now conspicuously stuffing his pockets with office supplies on the way out the door every day. Rick Perry keeps having too-loud phone conversations with Saudi Princes, offering to sell them Texas oil fields in exchange for shiny beads.
On the Remember When Infidelity Mattered to the Right front, Stormy Daniels says Michael Cohen violated the NDA in her $130,000 blackmail payoff agreement, so now she's free to share all the gory details of how she blackmailed the President of the United States and did I mention that the President of the United States has a documented history of paying blackmail and why doesn't that bother Trey Gowdy more?
And we even learned of ANOTHER affair, including details of Shartboy's factory-like accountability-avoidance operation.
You keep waiting for the Religious Right to do something silly like, y'know, actually adhering to their (loudly) professed values, but no amount of sexual misconduct seems to be enough to make them turn on their Processed Cheese Food Herod.
...maybe when they find about his collection of aborted fetuses.
But I doubt it.
Oh, and we learned that the Poo Mistake's Hilariously Under-Attended Inauguration/American Carnage Hullabaloo committee donated only 5 million bucks to charity, while passing more than five times as much on to Melania's event planner chum, because the family that grifts together...fuck, I can't rhyme that. I've been drinking.
Mitt Romney's Hair announced a run for the Utah Senate seat that Orrin Hatch is slowly disintegrating from. Mittens looks forward to championing Whatever It Is He Thinks You Want to Hear, Utah. He'll be taking over not only Orrin's seat, but Jeff Flake's empty suit. YAY.
Well, we finally found out why Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes was so desperate to use the Might of the Memo to sink the Mueller investigation. Yes, the Bobadook dropped another stack of indictments today, this time of 13 Russian individuals and organizations.
Yes, despite months of assurances from Tangerine Idi Amin that this whole Russia thing was invented by bitter Democrats to explain away their vanquishing at his tiny, tiny, hands/second-place vote total, there seems to be substantial proof of a massive criminal conspiracy of Russian meddling in our elections, designed to damage Our Madame Hilldawg and benefit a certain Festering Crotch Tumor.
Government Cheese Goebbels proudly proclaimed himself totally exonerated of all wrongdoing, which is a weird thing to say when the appropriate answer is "Our nation was a attacked, and I, your President, will punish the perpetrators and prevent future attacks."
It goes without saying that all of the alleged proofs of Trumpal innocence were exactly as real as that GM factory in Detroit. Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein gave a little press conference, carefully repeating "in THIS indictment," because this ballgame ain't close to over. Fuck, only the Special Counsel and his team even know what inning we're in.
Anyway, kudos to Mueller and co. for backing Team Shart into a corner here; now that proof of Russian fuckery is on the table, Donnie Two-Scoops can't shut down the investigation without switching out his MAGA cap for a "Treason is the Swellest" propeller beanie.
Before we move on...HEY. Jill Stein voters. I FUCKING SEE YOU. You see this shit where you were made the willing puppets of a Russian intel op, no better than the rubiest rube in the cheapest MAGA hat? Yeah. You were already morons, but now you're Puppet Morons, which is worse, because I capitalized "Puppet" and "Morons."
If anybody reading this voted for Jill Stein, and isn't eating shit right now, may I recommend you pour yourself a heapin' bowl of shit and dig right in?
So it turns out their was a protocol failure on a tip sent to FBI about the Parkland shooter, and Governor Rick Scott helpfully suggested this was ample reason for FBI Director/Trump obstacle Christopher Wray to resign, and be replaced by Trey Gowdy or that boy who fucks pigs, perhaps. "And take that Rosenstein kid with ya!" shouted Scott, because hey, why not dream big?
And of course Littlefinger scampered down to Marm-a-Lago for the weekend, cuz nothing eases the caught-in-a-treasonous-conspiracy blues quite like redistributing taxpayer money from the Treasury to your own pocket.
He took the briefest of detours to the community shattered by a gunman's madness, spending SIX WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES visiting victims in a nearby hospital, before stopping by the local sheriff's office just long enough to deliver a few remarks inappropriate enough to make a sociopaths convention cringe.
But yeah, an hour or so, and a couple of easy photo ops, then off to GOLF, because he's afraid of children, grieving their lost friends and classmates. Afraid of them, because his staff has seen them on social media, demanding action, demanding gun control, demanding that what happened to them never happens to any other children in this country ever again.
And our President is simply too frightened of these teenagers to even stand in the same room. So he's just hangin' out at his club, not enforcing sanctions. Cool.
Never forget, for all his other failings, which are PLENTIFUL...Donald Trump is a coward. Just a pathetic, trembling, coward.
I'm just saying, if you're afraid of high school kids, maybe you don't have what it takes to be President. But that's why y'all come to this blog, right? For the CONTROVERSY.
Anyway, let me leave you with a request. Let's kick a few bucks to Everytown. To Moms Demand Action. To the DCCC. Let's vote the NRA's blood-stained stooges straight off this fucking planet.
J.K. Rowling's Sean Hannity and the Phantom Jizz Painting
Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we've grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight's post, that seems appropriately gonzo.
(As always, the post, with news links, is available at: http://showercapblog.com/j-k-rowlings-sean-hannity-phantom-jizz-painting/)
The entire planet was rocked by the news of Israeli police recommending Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu be charged with bribery and fraud.
Wow. That seems important.
BUT, the really BIG story of the day involved Sean Hannity seeing imaginary spunk on Barack Obama's forehead, but on the save-the-best-for-last principle, you'll have to wait until the end of tonight's blog for that shit.
Watching the fallout from this Rob Porter thing reveals all you need to know about the ethical standards of the Clown Car Full of Rectums currently squatting in the White House, doesn't it?
Step One: Hire a Creep credibly accused of domestic violence by two ex-wives.
Step Two: Learn from the FBI that because of said domestic violence accusations, said Creep is ineligible for a security clearance.
Step Three: Keep Creep around, give him access to classified information anyway.
Step Four: Juuuuuust when you're about to promote Creep, get caught with your pants down.
Step Five: Defend creep as Best Dude You Ever Met in Your Whole Life, Seriously He's Like if Gandhi and John Wayne Had a Kid, We Would Never Oh Shit is That a Picture of Her Black Eye After He Punched Her in the Face? Um.
Step Six: Pretend you acted swiftly and decisively, like nobody can scroll up to the news from literally six hours earlier.
Step Seven: Instead of just apologizing for HIRING A FUCKING WIFE-BEATER, tell useless, easily-disproven lie after useless, easily-disproven lie. Hang around waiting for the lies to unravel, one after the other.
Steph Eight: ...PROFIT! If by "profit" you mean "send the last tattered remnants of a four star general's reputation through the wood chipper like Steve Buscemi's last leg."
If all this isn't somehow fucked enough, I guess you sprinkle on some The President Won't Even Condemn Domestic Violence and in Fact Flees Reporters Who Ask Him To, just for seasoning.
Anyway, it sure was fun to have Christopher Wray trot out today to testify under oath that the whole Shart House spin was nothing but a fat sack of horse manure.
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders, bless her shriveled raisin of a heart, there's just no lie too ridiculously large for her to dispense with a condescending sneer. If there were an American Idol for Bullshit, she'd win every year 'till the sun went cold.
Speaking of Wray, the IC leadership also testified that Russia had so much fun attacking our elections in 2016, they just can't wait to do it again this year. But don't worry, there's absolutely no plan on the table to stop them, we haven't even enforced sanctions on them for what they've already done, oh, and the President still doesn't believe they did anything wrong in the first place.
Betsy DeVos hasn't made headlines for a few weeks, so you may find yourself wondering, "Hey Cap, is Betsy DeVos still trash?"
I am here to inform you that yes, Virginia, Betsy DeVos remains trash of the rankest order. Seems Betsy checked in with her God, the one who decreed she should be Education Secretary despite never working a day in her life and knowing fuckall about education, and it told her to rescind civil rights protections from transgender students.
Well, it's a victory for bullies everywhere, if nothing else. But yeah, isn't it fun being governed by an administration moving backwards on civil rights? I bet Betsy and Jeff Sessions enjoy many a self-congratulatory sweet tea break, toasting their efforts, making the world safe for the White and Mediocre.
If it makes anybody feel better, even Ted Cruz has started tremblin' at the thought of the pending Blue Tsunami awaiting the sad coalition of grifters, klansmen, and collaborators we call the Republican Party. Yes, Ted, we will indeed "crawl over broken glass" to vote you fuckers out. History's gonna need a bigger dustbin, we've got so many treasonous fuckheads to sweep away. (Hey. Give Ted's Democratic opponent, Beto O'Rourke, some cash, okay?)
Boy howdy, Scott Pruitt sure does like pissing away taxpayer money on first-class flights! 90 grand over just a few days in June! Scotty Boy likes to say he's just taking appropriate security precautions, because he imagines he's constantly beset upon by hostile forces who know what he gets up to in that soundproof booth he had built...with taxpayer money.
Pennsylvania Republicans, ordered by their state Supreme Court to redraw their cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, submitted a slightly different cartoonishly-gerrymandered congressional map, and Governor Tom Wolf told them they could gerrymander their bullshit map straight up their asses all the way to the small intestine if they wanted, so now the Court will commission a non-partisan map.
And three of Cartoon Cowboy/Former Sheriff David Clarke's employees face charges over that little kerfuffle where they TORTURED A HUMAN BEING TO DEATH BY REFUSING HIM ACCESS TO WATER. I wonder if you put "Featured Speaker at Republican Convention" higher on your resume than "Dehydration Murderer?"
The Marmalade Shartcannon dropped his budget, and now that he's cut his own taxes by a billion dollars or so, there's just no money left for the chumps known collectively as "the American People." Massive cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security? Aw, you rubes didn't actually BELIEVE him when he promised he wouldn't do that, didja?
But the real highlight is Mick Mulvaney's plan to retool food stamps. The idea is to replace a chunk of the recipient's SNAP benefits with a box full of styrofoam peanuts, ketchup packets, and unsold Ivanka-branded bath products, y'know...for seasoning.
There's a certain type of Republican, cut from the Ryan/Mulvaney cloth, that lives their life in a state of perpetual rage that there are poor people in this country who get to spend any amount of time, however briefly, experiencing any emotion more pleasant than abject torment. There's a word for that, and that word is Sociopath.
At any rate, the idea of the government that can't get the fucking power back on in Puerto Rico opening up a nationwide food distribution service sure is...optimistic.
Meanwhile, the America Furst President filled 143 of 144 seasonal positions at three of his properties with foreign guest workers, because, and let me shout this to the cheap seats in the back, HE HOLDS WORKING CLASS AMERICAN CITIZENS IN DISDAIN.
So I guess we're supposed to give the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Ol' Beauregard, the benefit of the doubt on this whole "Anglo-American" thing. Ok, fine. I guess we'll just have to rely on the decades of well-documented open racism.
Again, this is the dude who was too racist for the 80's. Jeff Sessions has been a famous bigot longer than I've been a multi-celled organism.
Well, Tennessee Senator Bob Corker was all set to retire and enjoy the fruits of the last-minute kickback he finagled into the GOP tax bill, but word on street is he's considering un-retiring, as internal GOP polling shows ex-Governor Phil Bredesen defeating Trumpist Loon Marsha Blackburn in the general.
I'm told this entails a fair amount of groveling, and it couldn't happen to a nicer invertebrate. Well, it'd be fun watching him and Blackburn tear each other apart in a brutal primary, but one way or another, YOU should donate to Bredesen so we can take back the Senate, yes?
Hey, if there are any typos in tonight's post, it's because I'm still quaking with laughter over this Elle profile of Mrs. Mnuchbag herself, Louise Linton. The Bride of the Foreclosure King figured she could use a little image-rehabbin', but her interviewer (and my new hero), Carrie Battan, just gives her ample space for petard-hoistin' instead. My favorite bit is how she went out of her way to help a homeless man....'s dog.
Anyway, Mitch McConnell says the Senate has one week (and one Senate Week means Three Actual Human Days) to work out an immigration bill before he moves on to other business...presumably meaning the important work of naming post offices and confirming ghost hunters to lifetime federal judgeships. Seems fair.
Piers Morgan and Omarosa are feuding, I guess? Man, fuck that. I'm not linking that shit. You wanna read it, Google it your own damn self.
What's this, now? Michael "Sez Hoo" Cohen is falling on a sword for his Processed Cheese Boss? Mikey says HE paid Stormy Daniels that $130,000 payoff, out of his own pocket, for...reasons!
Well, shit, Mike. You sure put THAT little controversy to rest. Nice work!
Anyway, we flipped another ruby-red seat tonight, this time in Florida. Blue Wave! Woo! That seems like a good note to sign off on, so -
Oh hell, I almost forgot the biggest story of the day! Nay, year! Nay, dare I say...the millennium?
Yes, Sean Hannity's descent into gibbering madness is going just swimmingly, thanks for asking. He did a little tweeting about the SECRET SPERM in President Obama's freshly-unveiled official portrait, before retiring to the study to chew his own toes off.
Yes, Obama is HIDING SPOOJ IN HIS PAINTING, just one last desecration of America on his way out the door! I'll bet his Presidential library'll just be a brothel with no water fountains white people are allowed to use, right Sean?
For real, how far fucking gone do you have to be to see PHANTOM JIZZ in a painting? This is one of the media figures the fucking President of the United States listens to over his actual intelligence community, by the way. Sleep tight.
Jesus fuck. Ok, campers, I'm out for the night. But a special prize to the first reader who finds the seven hidden sperm cells in tonight's post!
Oh, and thank you, folks, for all the Valentine's Hearts! I love ya right back!
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 667