TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalIf Moses Had Been This Bad at His Job, the Bible Would Be Shorter
What an asparagus fart of a news cycle, right?
(Links version here: https://showercapblog.com/if-moses-had-been-this-bad-at-his-job-the-bible-would-be-shorter/)
Republican special counsel delivers a sneak low blow to the job-creator guy, sending allllllllll the shitty little Cillizzas of the political media scurrying gleefully to and fro, to squawk their favorite squawk of all: the squawk of performative, self-congratulatory impartiality. While the adjudicated rapist plots and preens.
Makes your poor, tired, Democrat heart skip a beat, doesn’t it?
Flip a mismanaged pandemic and a crashed economy into one of the strongest recoveries on the dang planet, and still, some cry BRING BACK THE IDIOT NAZI RAPIST.
I remain optimistic that the electorate’ll get its shit together as it gets a better look at the ever-diminishing, rapist game show host and his legion of the resentful and subpar, but it probably wouldn’t hurt if we shifted into campaign mode.
Fortunately, there’s plenty to talk about. The Republican Party is, after all, a wet, sloppy wad of yammering dipshits, led by a rapist.
Mike Johnson enjoyed the Mosesest week of his speakership to date, leading his people to the promised land, where nary a footfall lands without finding a rake.
The House Republican Conference is like a Volkswagen Beetle crammed to bursting with the skeeviest clowns on the sex offender registry, careening end over end down a mountain made of turds. Honest to God, have you ever seen such bumbling, bungling, couch-humping fuck-ups in your entire life?
No one expects actual governance from these dorks anymore. That would be cruel. Like driving 219 cows onto the floor of the Berliner Philharmonie and demanding they play Tchaikovsky.
I’m really looking forward to the movie, where Charlton Heston forgets to count votes before marching into the Red Sea, and wackiness ensues.
See, Moses hatched a sad little plan, to sneak the Mayorkas impeachment vote through while one House Dem was in the hospital for a medical procedure, which is the sort of maneuver only the majorities with the very strongest mandates deploy, but they fucked it up, because they are fuck-ups.
(Psst, it was really th’DEEP STATE’S fault tho. Like always. Don’t let anybody tell ya Republicans’re responsible for their own fuck-ups.)
Anyway. Speaker-fer-now Johnson then immediately fucked up his Israel aid bill, too, before storming off the House floor, furiously flipping through the Acme catalogue in search of something else to blow up in his own face.
Strategically, blocking the impeachment may’ve been a mistake; I think America could’ve learned something important by watching Marjorie Taylor Greene shriek her way through the role of impeachment manager.
Marj lent her celebrity, and, dare I say, gravitas to Matt Gaetz’s resolution to officially proclaim Off-Brand Orbán stands six feet, three inches tall, weighs two hundred and fifteen pounds, could almost certainly correctly identify drawings of every animal that ever existed, I mean, not the weird, Australian ones, be resonable, BUT THE POINT IS he absolutely, positively, never insurrected, not even a little bit.
Except that one time, of course. You remember, the months-long conspiracy to overturn the election he lost? The one that climaxed in that laughable-but-undeniably-proto-fascist orgy of violence at the Capitol?
Speaking of proto-fascist violence, Hannity’s broadcasting right-wing vigilante attacks live on Fox now. I actually didn’t know about Curtis Sliwa, but he’ll fit right in. His cosplay brownshirt brigade’s uniforms certainly match the movement’s “aging loser” aesthetic.
Again, I don’t want it to sound like I’m asking for better Nazis, but I do resent the shabbiness of America’s rapist-worshipping, white nationalist throng.
Which brings us to the compromise border bill, which finally died in a pitiful spurt of ineptitude, obsequiousness, and blind, racist hate. Shoutout to Oklahoma Senator James Lankford, who apparently slept through the snake story, all that work just to get tossed to the mob as a race traitor.
Elsewhere on the death cult loyalty beat, Ronna CertainlynotRomney had not, at press time, been formally thrown under the bus, though she has graciously lain down under the bus’s rear left tire, to await word of her fate.
Meanwhile, JD Vance wants to amend the Constitution to allow Donald Trump to rape whoever he wants, a bold gambit in the competitive groveling league some affectionately refer to as the “veepstakes.” Your move, Elise.
Republicans’re burning books in campaign ads now, that’s healthy. “As the only candidate in the race to set a stack of LGBTQ books ablaze with a flamethrower, Valentina Gomez is the clear choice for Missouri Secretary of State,” said Nazis, and nobody else.
Probably doesn’t help to have Elon hurtling madly down his $44 billion rabbit hole, stuffing his cheeks with every red pill he encounters along the way, pimping Great Replacement Theory like some shitty, too-online Howard Hughes.
Poor Tucker Carlson flies all the way to Russia to jerk a murderous dictator off, and what thanks does he get? Smacked around right in front of whatever’s left of his audience. Heh.
I guess Ted Cruz is worried the revolution is gonna come for him next time he scampers off to Cancún while his constituents freeze to death, so he’s demanding taxpayer-funded, armed security to keep the filthy serfs away at the airport. Christ, what an asshole. The Cruz brand is…reliable.
The rapist finally agreed to debate Nikki Haley, bowing to her undeniable momentum following the Nevada Republican primary, where she managed to earn several votes against the widely expected winner: Not Nikki Haley.
Things mighta panned out differently if the early frontrunner, Not Ron DeSantis, hadn’t dropped out. The post-mortems on that splendiferous debacle are everything I hoped they’d be, tales of malicious cretins flushing immense piles of conservative donor cash away to throw the shittiest party in human history, a cotillion for a pouty, authoritarian dweeb.
What a bizarre, misguided endeavor. Did anyone consider themself, like, called to Ron DeSantis, I wonder? Did people meet and fall in love on that campaign, because I worry their kids’d have a hard time in life.
Oh, and Marianne Williamson dropped out, after losing a straw poll held at a Wendy’s in Topeka to Not Nikki Haley.
And a unanimous ruling against Donald Trump’s fabricated claims of total immunity surely earned a three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals a ticket to the work camp in the Reich to come.
But for now, the rule of law, though battered n’ bruised, holds the line. Which is good. More of that, please.
Gonna be some year, friends.
And to get through it, I am going to require…beer.
Yes, it’s time once more for the BEER GRIFT, where I bat my eyes and rattle the tip jar (accepting, as ever, PayPal, Cash App, n’ Venmo) and huskily mutter about relying on the kindness of strangers. Other things you can do to boost my self-esteem include following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, and signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com.
Thanks to everyone who reached out about the payment issues on the Marguerite vs. the Occupation pre-order site, by the way. Should be working now, let me know! Thank you for your kind support, folks, it keeps me sane. Stay safe out there!
Thirty Two Short Films About Hating Taylor Swift (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey there, everybody. I know it’s been a bit of a week, and there’s a lot to get through, so if anyone needs to step outside to hate Taylor Swift for five minutes, I totally understand. Go for it.
(Makes more sense with all the nooz links: https://showercapblog.com/thirty-two-short-films-about-hating-taylor-swift/)
Don’tcha just HATE TAYLOR SWIFT? So much? Aren’t you literally overwhelmed by the urge to fill the internet with your intricate calculations connecting her to your George R.R. Martin-esque conspiracy theory about the globalist cabal that feminizes men to keep ‘em docile?
No?
Huh. I’m starting to think maybe you never really wanted to make America great again at all.
Because in MAGA culture, all the good little girls and boys dutifully hate Taylor Swift, like it says in the Bible.
And every now and then, one of them snaps and decapitates their father. Just like in that Bible story, where that one apostle, recognizing his dad as an agent of th’Deep State, murders him, and displays his severed head on the internet, pleasing the Lord.
Yes, it’s a holy culture war they’re a-wagin’, and not at all a fit pitched by aging incels. And in a culture war, who needs pop icons or championship athletes when you’ve got dusty spitebuckets like Ted Nugent and Jon Voight?
Like any out-of-work-actor, Voight seized the tiny spotlight he’d tumbled backwards into to deliver a new audition monologue, about Saint Dotard the Unjustly Maligned, who was “destroyed as Jesus.”
AS JESUS.
People have killed and died for this soft, shabby shit. The Freewheelin’ Jon Voight, voice of a generation. What an embarrassing fucking cult. Dad-decapitating weirdos.
Incidentally, let me congratulate Real America, on that $50 million y’all dropped on that rapist’s legal bills. Seems to me a billionaire rapist could pay his own legal bills, but I know the rube tithe is sacred in your culture. Your super cool culture where everyone gathers on Sunday to yell at the singer and her boyfriend.
Fifty million dollars.
Fifty million dollars to pay Alina Habba to lose 83.3 million more.
How is there no buyer’s remorse? Ever?
Alina may be headed under the bus, and just as she offered herself up to the faithful as a potential Anti-Tay, too. I would miss her. First-rate grifter.
Fifty million bucks to pay shameless idiots to stall, while RNC fundraising craters. Perhaps that death cult wasn’t such a clever investment after all.
We’re starting to piece together the falling Turd Reich’s office culture, fueled, apparently, by the candy store Dr. Ronny Jackson ran out of the Lincoln Sitting Room, where even the Diet Coke Steward was rapey.
Gosh, I just can’t figure out how things turned so toxic, in that cult that worships a rapist. You know the rapist, the one who throws the same sad, flaccid, don’t-you-know-who-my-father-is tantrum at every woman who challenges him. The rapist who’s lifelong friends with that sex-trafficking wrestling promoter.
Honestly, given the culture of rapist-worship, it’s surprising more of them don’t decapitate their parents.
A rare overseas stop on the Never Ending Donald Trump Legally Faceplants Tour, because I guess he wanted to hear what it sounds like to get laughed out of court with a British accent.
Taylor Swift should do a song about the Steele dossier. As part of a concept album where she comes out as a Pentagon psyop, and confirms every single QAnon delusion, via irresistible ditties about dumping Proud Boys. Two discs. Real proggy.
I suppose we should check in on Congress, aka MyPillow Presents Mike Johnson’s Tales From the Border. They want spikes n’ alligators now, because of course emotionally stunted people propose cartoon solutions.
Especially when the point is not to solve, but rather to highlight, exaggerate, and whenever possible, exacerbate the problem. The Oklahoma GOP censured their own Senator for working to solve the problem.
Can’t solve the problem, y’see, because that’d make it harder to reinstall the rapist in the White House. “Why, we couldn’t possibly help our constituents!” sputtered Chuck Grassley, “They might vote for Joe Biden! Instead of the rapist I work for, the one who tried to overturn the last presidential election!” Looks like a really rewarding life, Charles. Dignified.
Anyway, yeah, it’s the Impeach Mayorkas Show, which offers the core audience a sufficiently foreign-sounding villain. Consumers with edgier tastes may prefer the Pinochet helicopter fantasies of U.S. Congressman Mike Collins, or the unapologetically hateful ramblings of Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, featuring talking points lifted from the El Paso shooter’s manifesto.
Politico tells us Kevin McCarthy is now devoted, body and soul, to revenging himself upon his enemies within the caucus that brought his political career to such a hilariously just end. As something of a connoisseur of circular firing squads, I’m really looking forward to this one.
Like, we get the end of Nancy Mace’s congressional career, or we get to watch one of ascendant American fascism’s shittiest enablers fade into irrelevance before our eyes. Can I see it both ways before I make up my mind? Is there a version that winds up in herky-jerky, suburban dad fisticuffs on Matt Gaetz’s lawn?
Charlie Kirk is a Central Park Five truther now. Or he was for a minute, until he returned his lawyer’s texts. Either way, he’s certainly committed to TPUSA’s Alt Right rebrand, “now with double the racism!” (Wow, and there was a TON of racism in the old version!)
Seems One America “News” Network may have engaged in illegal activities while spreading that Big Lie that caused all the hullabaloo down at the Capitol. A rare stumble for the notoriously ethical right-wing propaganda industry.
Poor Marjorie Taylor Greene can’t seem to get her censure motions to the floor fast enough to keep ahead of the debunking of the disinformation justifying them, but she sure does like hollerin’, doesn’t she?
Indiana state Representative Jim Lucas flashed a gun at some high school kids during the impromptu debate he lost. So, y’know…the MAGA bench is deep.
Meanwhile, even Larry Kudlow has succumbed to the smooth, sensual rhythms of…Brandonomics. And who can blame him? Team Biden keeps grinding out these even-sexxier-than-expected jobs reports, and yeah, it can make you feel a little funny down in your nether regions. Little warm.
We’re told that behind closed doors, Joe refers to his once and future vanquished foe using appropriately profane language. “Sick fuck,” “fucking asshole,” “turd-gargling taintmaggot,” that sort of thing. Nothing the fact-checkers wouldn’t bless.
He likes to slide a zinger in now and then while he’s “reading Beowulf to the Ayatollah.” And then Beowulf said to Grendel, “Boy, what a bag of crusty dicks is Donald Trump, amirite?” We wouldn’t know any of this, by the way, were it not for the brave testimony of Deep State whistleblower/fast food chain mascot/actual fucking Senator John Kennedy.
Before I let you go, it’s time for what a reader charmingly referred to as the “beer grift,” wherein I, a downtrodden cockney lad without access to anything so extravagant as a Dr. Ronny Jackson, beg you, the reader, to throw a couple bucks my way, (now accepting Venmo, PayPal n’ Cash App) that I might wash away the memory of allllll this shit on a wave of sweet, merciful beer.
Or you can follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or join the email list at showercapblog.com. Dedicated Shower Captives can even pre-order my WWII comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation! I’m told this is a TREMENDOUSLY IMPORTANT CUTOFF WEEK for pre-orders, so act now or know eternal regret.
Or you can say, “I don’t owe you shit, Shower Cap,” which is true. Whatever you decide, I’m gonna go crack a cold one, and read Beowulf to the Ayatollah. You stay safe out there. Don’t decapitate your parents!
So I Guess It's Down to Nikki Haley and the Rapist
Aw, man, I thought he was gonna step on a few more rakes for us, just for old times’ sake, but perhaps there’s a limit to Ron DeSantis’ capacity for public humiliation after all.
(Links, etc: https://showercapblog.com/so-i-guess-its-down-to-nikki-haley-and-the-rapist/)
Either way, bowing to reality and his sphincter-mouthed orange God, young Ronward bent the knee, on a special cushion he had custom-made to make himself appear taller. Somebody should probably check on Rich Lowry.
I have mixed feelings. I’m certainly grateful for the failure of the ideology. I’m glad there’s no viable electoral base for Kinda Efficient State-Enforced Bigotry. I’m glad we don’t have to worry about Joseph Ladapo becoming Surgeon General of anything larger.
But as a content provider for the blog site I own and operate, I fear Ron will prove irreplaceable. His contributions to the field of left-of-center schadenfreude compare favorably to the all-time greats. And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’ll be debasing himself further as a general election surrogate, but he’s been on a hall-of-fame run, the one he’s gonna be remembered for.
Anyway.
Say, what’s that rapist been up to lately, other than running away with the Republican presidential primary? What’s that you say? Pitching fits at his latest defamation trial? But that’s what he did last week.
Anyway, now that it’s cost him 83.3 million dollars, Donald Trump may be forced to abandon a beloved hobby: terrorizing women he has assaulted sexually.
Boy, Nikki’s about to go on a ride, huh? I’m sure it’s already started.
Cuz the rapist is ready to skip straight to the coronation, and we all know how he feels about democracy. No shortage of willing accomplices in the institutional GOP, if RNC draft resolutions are any indicator.
Florida Republicans actually proposed legislation (LEGISLATION!) that would appropriate taxpayer money to pay this fucking rapist’s fucking legal bills. (Sorry, Christian Ziegler, this only applies to one, specific rapist. Bad luck.)
I’m just saying, Nikki, for your safety’s sake, these folks don’t seem t’be in the mood to hear about their golden rapist calf’s cognitive decline.
It’s more of a stamping-out-dissent vibe, if we’re honest. Threatening donors, lashing out at every criticism, however slight. Fascist imp Marjorie Taylor Greene yelping about “eradicating” the insufficiently loyal. Yeah, it’s that kind of party.
Still, nothing curdles my guts quite like the performative obsequiousness of Elise Stefanik’s audition for the Veep slot. Elise won’t think twice about delaying any dumb ol’ certifications, that’s for sure.
Given the general political climate, I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that we’re getting the Bruckheimer/Bay version of the border scare, with the cosplay cowboys running Texas breaking out the Bundy Ranch playbook, and the odd wannabe insurrectionist putting forth the call for an armed citizen militia, to be financed, surely, by the guy who draws Dilbert.
Anyway, the rapist wants the border as a campaign issue, so given devout Christian Mike Johnson’s standing “whatever the rapist wants, the rapist gets” policy, I guess Congress won’t be passing any border compromises any time soon.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden keeps presiding over all these gaudy economic milestones, but he’s still somehow running neck-and-neck with the adjudicated rapist with the Hooverian jobs record. America, get your shit together.
Well, now that they’ve passed their latest short-term CR and elected their latest short-term Speaker, I guess House Republicans’re starting notice James Comer isn’t running an impeachment inquiry so much as a “parade of embarrassments.” Yeah, Jimmy’s a real fuck-up, isn’t he? Lord knows why y’all put him in charge of anything.
Oklahoma Republicans had some state library board post to fill, and I guess the resumé with “internet bigot-slash-harassment organizer” leapt out at them, because they hired Chaya freakin’ Raichik.
Which is horrifying. Raichik is maybe the ugliest creature to spawn from MAGA culture in recent years, an insatiable, indefatigable hatemonger. Truly one of the shittiest Americans ever. And they put her on the “Department of Education Library Media Advisory Committee.” She doesn’t even live in Oklahoma. Fucking madness.
Looks like Charlie Kirk’s anti-MLK Jr. rant wasn’t just a one-off holiday special, but a mission statement for a new, even racister Turning Point USA. Good thing we’re not a racist country, Governor Haley, otherwise you might see political influencers telling their massive audiences their lives are in danger if their pilot is Black.
One of Chuck’s underlings went on white nationalist holocaust denier Stew Peters’ show, by the way, to urge violent resistance to the “Jewish-controlled” government. TPUSA feels like a frat for too-soft-for-the-Proud-Boys-but-unwilling-to-get-over-losing-the-class-presidency-to-a-girl types, but I suppose even a kakistocracy needs middle managers.
Seems the Republican-led House Ethics Committee has been looking into Matt Gaetz’s old sex-trafficking-a-minor allegations, so Matt may not be available for any library boards, alas.
I worry Peter Navarro won’t do well in prison, though he might squeak by with the ol’ find-the-toughest-gang-in-the-joint-and-offer-to-help-them-cheat-on-their-taxes ploy, I’ve seen that work in a couple movies. Actually, I bet a four-month vacation from the hecklers sounds pretty good to Pete right about now.
Wisconsin State Representative Joel Kitchens proclaimed himself Archbishop of Reproductive Science by divine right of his years as, I kid you not, a fucking veterinarian. WOW. That’s Akin-level shit, Joel, I’m sincerely impressed.
So, Ben Shapiro is rapping now. And you laugh, but “DAP” (Dry-Ass Pussy) is gonna rule summer 2024.
And with that final horror, I’ll sign off for the week. I go now to drink, excessively, to the majestic wreck of the DeSantis campaign, a congregation of assholes who could not do one fucking thing right.
(Oh, let me beg for money and attention real quick before I let you go: please follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, and/or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and if you’re able, feel free t’donate a couple bucks to the beer fund.)
(And there’s a comic book! If you missed the Kickstarter for my WWII comic, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, you can pre-order a copy, for a limited time! It’s a nifty little book, you’ll like it.)
https://www.cexcomics.com/product/marguerite-vs-the-occupation/?attribute_pa_format=print-cover-a
Rapist Demands Immunity, Presidency (Ferret)
What we need is a new word, yes, probably a German one, that would mean “laugh-out-loud embarrassing, but in a sufficiently fascist manner as to remain unnerving.” It’s that thing we’re all sick of feeling.
(As always, it reads a little better on the blog site: https://showercapblog.com/rapist-demands-immunity-presidency/)
I could use that word right now, since it’s time to talk about the 2024 Iowa Republican presidential caucuses.
As expected, the rapist ran away with it. Republican voters sure do love their rapist. ‘Course, he’s not just any rapist, he’s the rapist who tried to end American democracy. Honestly, how could a listless pudding fondler like Ron DeSantis hope to compete?
Ron’s not quite ready to slink back to Tallahassee, so he’s going to flop around for our amusement at least through New Hampshire, which I appreciate. He might not have anyone left to talk to, cuz Nikki says from now on, she’s only gonna debate rapists she’s promised to pardon.
Ron made one last, feeble pass at the anti-vax crowd, which’ll work as well as everything else he’s tried. It’s not Long Covid you’ve got to worry about with your electorate, kid, it’s Long Horse Paste.
I guess Haley’s polling well enough in New Hampshire to merit Off-Brand Orbán’s attention, since he finally lobbed that long-expected lump of casually racist hate at her. “How dare you imply America was ever, for even a fleeting moment, a racist country!?! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a phoneful of death threats to sift through!”
Grating wokeness disliker Vivek Ramaswamy dropped out, as did normcore non-factor Asa Hutchinson. And right now, they could team up to make the greatest political documentary/buddy comedy of all time, but they won’t, and I think that’s a shame.
Asa n’ Vivek On the Road, I would watch the shit out of that. Coupla crazy kids from opposite sides of the track, searching for the MAGA-infected Republican Party’s dark heart. Having misadventures. Running out of gas while fleeing a Three Percenter rally gone wrong. I would sign up for your streaming service to watch that.
Best part of the Iowa caucuses is the wave of “Say, I’m not sure these “evangelical” fellows are entirely on the level” columns. Yep. Bit of a death cult, really. Glad you’re catching up.
Getting back to the Republican frontrapist, he spent the week harassing and re-defaming the woman he raped. I dunno, maybe they get a different Bible in red states. Maybe Jesus is a rapist in their Bible.
Anyway, this particular rapist, who is a lot of evangelicals’ favorite rapist, demands absolute legal immunity, which I get, because he’s committed…oh my god you guys, so many crimes. Including rape. The rapist who tried everything he could think of, up to and including violent insurrection, to overturn an election he lost would rather not be prosecuted.
And again, I get that. Don’t agree, but I get it. I think we should have the rule of law, and democracy, and not “whatever this one rapist wants.” I sincerely believe it’s the stronger choice.
Although…he did pass that cognitive test. Bragging, no, strutting about the cognitive test is part of the stump speech now. There Once Was a Rapist Who Passed a Cognitive Test, So We Made Him King. That’s the creation myth. Also, Maybe He Has Syphilis Now? Evangelicals, man. Wacky people.
I’m sincerely grateful to Ted Cruz for providing comic relief during the genuinely terrifying ritual of governors and senators genuflecting to a man who thinks magnets break when they get wet. He just deserves the debasement so richly. Actually, watching Ted Cruz snarf bowl after bowl of Donald Trump’s shit is probably my favorite thing about ascendant American fascism.
Ted, Rubio, Tim Scott, “Sammy the Bull” Gravano, they all agree: when it comes to the presidency, only an authoritarian rapist will do. Cool coalition. Your moms are all proud.
Well, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer got caught doctoring closed-door testimony. Again. This dolt’s master plan, by the way, is to run this same sad con, which he has fucked up every single time, on Hunter Biden. Jimmy thinks he’s good at this, you guys.
How happy was Mike Johnson to receive orders from on high to tank the Senate border compromise? “Shoot, we know how to fuck legislation up! Gettin’ pretty good at it, if I do say so m’self. It’s passing the stuff that gets us in trouble.”
In his defense, ol’ Moses did manage to lead his people to another CR, so congrats on keepin’ the government open, I guess. Hope the lock on Chip Roy’s cage holds out!
Of course, the last thing Republicans want is to actually solve any border-related problems; they’re enjoying the brownshirty new transgressiveness of the fear-mongering around the issue far too much. I find Greg Abbott’s increasingly flamboyant cruelty particularly spine-chilling.
Meanwhile, Paul Gosar is fundraising off the batshit claim that wokeism has led to the ethnic cleansing of whites from the military, a few short days after we learned about those neo-Nazi interns he hired.
Oh, and I see Charlie Kirk decided it was time for furiously subpar white boys to reclaim Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Some Moms for Liberty types’re launching their very own charter school, which sounds like the premise of a season of American Horror Story. Can you imagine the parade of incels and mass shooters that’s gonna stumble out of a fucking MOMS FOR LIBERTY CHARTER SCHOOL?
The nerds’ll join the Federalist Society, and the jocks’ll join the Proud Boys. And let me tell you right up front, any furries in the student body will use the restroom that corresponds to both the gender and species assigned at birth.
So. Yeah. Still pretty nutty out there. ‘Swhy I drink.
This is the part where I dance you over to the digital tip jar, which I’ve styled as a “beer fridge,” as part of my adorable ”Shower Cap” persona: a lovable scamp, a drunken loudmouth who wears a bathrobe and a luchador mask and blogs for whatever reason. Now accepting Cash App, Venmo, and PayPal. Following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter is another thing you could do. Or not do.
And if you’re feelin’ freaky, for a limited time, you can even pre-order my WWII comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation. I’m real proud of how this one turned out, so if you missed the Kickstarter, well…second chances don’t roll up every day, y’know.
The Republican Frontrunner Thinks Magnets Break When They Get Wet (Ferret)
Well, the Iowa caucuses are finally upon us, and barring a Hail Mary from the weather manipulation wing of the Haley campaign, the babbling rapist who spends his days meandering from courtroom to courtroom, pausing periodically to demonstrate, for reasons which are difficult to discern, that he doesn’t understand how magnets work, looks likely to emerge victorious.
(Makes more sense with links, promise: https://showercapblog.com/the-republican-frontrunner-thinks-magnets-break-when-they-get-wet/)
Chris Christie finally threw in the towel, and if the Never-Trumpers’ wistful eulogies overpraised his sycophant-to-very-brave-indeed-teller-of-truths conversion, well, I’m inclined to be indulgent. I doubt it’s biologically possible to contemplate what’s left of the Republican primary field without triggering a gag reflex.
Like, did Chris Cillizza even bother picking three winners and five losers from Ronnie n’ Nikki’s Aggressively Inconsequential Bicker-Off (For Distant Second Place)? Shoot, they lost the rube ratings war to Fox’s Grandpa Shits His Pants Hour with Martha MacCallum & Brett Baier.
And considering Donnie Dotard’s been stumbling around, urging bedlam and wishing for a stock market crash, while refusing to sign an oath to forsake the violent overthrow of the government, in addition to demanding legal immunity to assassinate political opponents at taxpayer expense, it sure woulda been nice if someone, anyone in the Family Values Party™️ could’ve obstructed the fascist bastard’s ascent for once.
Yeah, woulda been lovely. But no, if you want anything done in this country, you can’t send a Republican. We knew this.
I feel like we might have success running a Willie Horton-type ad, only with Roger Stone. “Here’s a recording of a dude Donald Trump pardoned, a known associate of domestic terror groups, plotting the assassination of two Congressmen.” Everyone still agrees that’s bad…right, America?
Rejuvenated by the holiday recess, Mike “Moses” Johnson strode onto the House floor, threw open the curtains, took a deep, invigorating breath…and then Chip Roy leapt from the shadows to attack his groin with a claw hammer.
I wouldn’t wish the Freedumb Caucus on anyone. In my culture, “Chip Roy” is a sort of bogeyman who lives in a hut on chicken legs deep within the Heritage Foundation, and creeps into the bedrooms of naughty little Speakers when they praise Hitler-quoting game show hosts.
You will no doubt be shocked, shocked to learn Paul Gosar staffs his congressional office with neo-Nazi interns. Since this is hardly Paul’s first offense, he’ll surely be disciplined by House GOP leadership, especially that famous anti-anti-Semitism crusader, Elise Stefanik.
Or perhaps Elise is too busy referring to violent, white nationalist Capitol rioters as “hostages” on television. Elise is auditioning to be a certain cognitive-test-passer’s running mate, y’see. Well, when you’re fleeing for your life from an incel with a nail gun, and all you get is a text saying “so what?” don’t come bitchin’ to me.
Poor, dumb Jimmy Comer held another of his sad, self-immolating “hearings,” and y’know, I thought I’d be sick of ‘em by now, but I’m not. Watching a malicious nitwit step on the same rake over and over turns out t’be endlessly entertaining. I’m already looking forward to the next one.
Clay Higgins hopped on the Ghost Bus to whatever meth den houses Tucker Carlson’s show these days, to assert the Capitol Riot was caused by more than 200 FBI infiltrators, and then he took the Ghost Bus back to the U.S. Capitol. Where he works. As a Congressman. In case you were wondering why the Lincoln Memorial has been crying tears of blood.
Some uppity journalist spoiled protofascist nepo baby Jay Ashcroft’s fantasy of kicking Joe Biden off the ballot in Missouri, no doubt earning a slot on Jay’s personal version of the fantasy gulag roster every aspiring American autocrat carries around in his head.
The High Priests of DeSantistan finally liberated the children in their charge from the spiritually corrupting influence of…the dictionary! It’s inspirational, what a small band of puritanical creeps can achieve, all while maintaining a wide variety of thrilling, criminal lifestyles on the side.
By the way, comrades, I assume everybody got the email, but just in case, quick reminder that Operation Jade Helm III: The Helmening has been indefinitely postponed, now that our most sinister, most powerful Deep State agent, Taylor Swift, has been unmasked. And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, were it not for the raw journalistic skill of that wily Jesse Watters.
That said, while I certainly support ascendant American fascism antagonizing a beloved pop star’s massive, zealously loyal fanbase, I don’t know how many “I guess somebody needs to SHAKE IT OFF yo ho!” press releases I’m going to be able to endure.
Several of MAGA Nation’s least favorite people, including Jack Smith and Judge Tanya Chutkan, have been targeted for swatting in recent weeks, because a fun, easy thing you can do in America right now is have a paramilitary strike team sent to somebody’s front door to terrorize and maybe kill them. Say, perhaps that system could use a few tweaks.
Elon Musk hired Tulsi Gabbard to create content for his flailing vanity hate site, lending credence to recent WSJ reporting about his excessive drug use. We can’t be more than six months away from the scene in the movie where he locks himself inside his private bowling alley to personally hand-delete the accounts of everyone who ever mocked him and nobody sees him for weeks at a time but the butler who delivers the diapers and pizza rolls.
Well, seems Fox kicked Mike Lindell’s ads off the air because he can’t pay his bills, so now he’s whining about getting “cancelled.” Has the pillow money finally run out? Gonna pitch a reality show where broke-ass Mike gets an apartment with equally broke-ass Rudy Giuliani.
Just a heads-up, I will be turning the blog over to Shed Mouse for the foreseeable future, in order to spend more time with my beer fridge. If you’d like to support the blog, you can always sign up on the email list, follow @john_luzar on the aforementioned vanity hate site, or even donate to the beer fund, now accepting Venmo, PayPal, and Cash App. Oh, and you can pre-order my comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, that’d be cool.
One way or another, stay safe out there, till we meet again…
Congrats, America, It's Now Been Three Years Since Your Last Violent Insurrection! (Ferret!)
Happy Insurrectiversary, everybody! From the donning of the shamanic headdress to the theatrical reenactments of Roger Stone’s conversation with Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio to the cherubic bleats of the schoolchildren chanting “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!,” I truly love this holiday.
(Makes more sense with th’links, I promise: https://showercapblog.com/congrats-america-its-now-been-three-years-since-your-last-violent-insurrection/)
With Iowa just around the corner, it’s been predictably nauseating, watching the institutional GOP congeal in a fetid pool at the Dotard’s feet. Tom Emmer’s groveling was particularly debasing. “As someone who has been personally bullied by Donald Trump, l cannot recommend the experience highly enough. He’ll crush America’s dreams the way he crushed mine!”
It’s definitely not a cult, though.
Sure, observing the garish obsequiousness of Elise Stefanik’s ritual un-endorsement of a Republican congressional candidate who had the audacity to refer to the Grand High Gameshowhost as “arrogant,” you might say to yourself, “wow, that’s as culty as it is embarrassing, so, like, almost unendurably culty, I guess is what I’m saying,” but it’s still not a cult.
I mean, would a cult make a video like this?
Look, I’ll admit polling says most Republicans see Off-Brand Orbán as a “person of faith,” while the likes of Romney and Biden are infidels who should be burned at the stake or at the very least poked with reasonably sharp sticks, but it’s totally unfair to call it a culllllll okay, fine, it’s a cult.
A cult of personality. But a worthy personality, an admirable personality, the sort of personality that deserves worshipping, you have to grant that. It’s not as though a third of the country has pledged absolute fealty to a drooling fascist grifter who spends his days obsessively rage-posting about a woman he raped.
…wait.
Incidentally, I see Wee Don’s countin’ on his buddy Kavanaugh to make all his 14th Amendment worries disappear. C’mon, Brett, it’s what Tobin and Squi would want.
Poor Jimmy Comer always gets SUPER jealous whenever House Oversight Dems produce evidence of yet another Trump crime spree, accepting millions in bribes from foreign governments, for example. “It’s not really fair cuz they’re investigating real crimes and mine are made up,” sulked Comer, while submitting to a Jake Tapper wedgie.
Yeah, you say he didn’t qualify, but Vivek Ramaswamy didn’t wanna be in your dumb ol’ debate anyway, CNN! He’s gonna hang out with his cool new friends Alex Jones and Andrew Tate that night, they’re gonna order a pizza and play GoldenEye and sleep in sleeping bags on the basement floor and you’re definitely not invited, CNN!
Free of Vivek’s fashy yapping at last, Nikki n’ Ron can finally have that civil, nuanced discussion about which of them would pardon Trump harder, while Chris Christie furiously masturbates in the corner. Must-see TV, I’m sure.
I confess I was delighted to see the DeSantis delusion wouldn’t sputter out completely without one final, bitter burst of petulant Rich Lowry fanfic: The Media Done Ron Wrong, the tragic tale of a boy who only wanted to bring efficient, drama-free autocracy to America, brought low by the cameras that cruelly, unjustly documented the inescapable dislikability the candidate radiates at all times.
While Rich spins DeSantistan as some comfortably-shy-of-alt-right utopia, Ron’s batty Surgeon General is stumbling around, issuing official state bulletins that read like bathroom graffiti in a QAnon bar. VACCINES ARE THE LITERAL ANTI-CHRIST THEY DON’T STOP COVID ONLY APPLYING A POULTICE OF HORSE DEWORMER AND BRIDGET ZIEGLER’S BATHWATER TO YOUR BUTTHOLE CAN DO THAT.
Well, good news for anyone who’s ever wondered what happens when you bring a messianic delusion to a Jewish space laser fight: Marjorie Taylor Greene is a-feudin’ with Speaker-for-Now Mike “Moses” Johnson! Look for Mike to swiftly adopt his predecessor’s Capitulate to the Crazy Lady policy in the face of his ever-shrinking majority.
Actually, wingnut intraparty fight club culture is thriving these days, and lucky for us, it’s a spectator sport.
Like, the normie wing of the Michigan GOP is finally making a play to wrestle back control from the loons, but Kristina Karamo has barricaded herself inside a Denny’s bathroom with the party charge card, and she’s already racked up a six-figure debt on Jim Caviezel speeches, George Santos Cameos, and cheezy tots.
And it is SO fun to watch.
Almost as much fun as the mutually annihilating, acrimonious divorce between Wayne LaPierre and the National Rifle Association. I really thought those two were gonna make it. So many common interests, like children’s funerals, and racism.
Perhaps if Jesse Watters had asked his tarot-reading guest what the cards said about accusing Texas Congresscreep/maladjusted ragebeast Dan Crenshaw of insider trading, he could’ve avoided getting publicly eviscerated as a “fucking clown” and “mediocre entertainer” who “pees sitting down.” Me-OW!
If the Florida Republican Party had only paid that $2 million ransom when they had the chance, they wouldn’t be dealing with headlines about how their party Chairman, who was already under investigation for sexual assault, is now also under investigation for “video voyeurism.” This is why Aesop has that fable about the crane who gets blackmailed by that rapist tortoise.
Capitol Riot truther Maya Flores abandoned her campaign to regain her old seat in Congress, to instead enter the restaurant business, announcing the summer 2024 opening of Maya’s False Flag Ranch & Kitchen, serving only the most authentic cuisine Flores can steal and present as her own. Don’t worry, Republican voters, I’m sure she’s not lying to you about anything important.
Mike Flynn believes the United States should have one and only one religion, presumably state mandated, and I gotta say, that ranks pretty high on the list of Things Mike Flynn Should Not Be in Charge Of. This is how we wind up in Planet of the Apes scenarios, people.
It’s definitely super healthy that we’ve successfully integrated the steady drone of low-level domestic terrorism as acceptable background noise. Wave of bomb threats targeting state capitols? Dude gets arrested for threatening to assassinate a Congressman? Ho hum, wake me up when somebody opens fire inside the Colorado Supreme Court building or somethin’. Or, actually don’t. Multiple casualties, or let me sleep in.
I bet the handful of countries that failed to take advantage of Bob Menendez’s bribability are kicking themselves right now. Anyway, despite yet another superseding indictment, the blue team’s shittier, less-fun George Santos still refuses to resign, which isn’t my favorite thing.
Green Day’s guest appearance on the Two Minutes Hate allowed MAGA Nation a fleeting feeling of cultural relevance that likely didn’t survive the news that Vanilla Ice headlined the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s party.
Yeah, the culture wars’re still real, real dumb, though at least Barbara Streisand has Lauren Boebert on the run. On the other hand, The Daily Wire’s Michael Knowles’ plan, to “turn Mickey Mouse into a Nazi” could shake up the battlefield in ways we can’t foresee.
Despite heavy investment in the lucrative “white nationalist troll” demographic, the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter (where, if you’re masochistically inclined, you can follow me @john_luzar) is now worth 71.5% less than it was when a certain doltpilled narcissist overpaid for it. Which is, it goes without saying, entirely the Anti-Defamation League’s fault.
Maybe Elon should hand the reins over to someone less economically suicidal. Maybe even someone who creates prosperity, rather than obliterating it in fits of pique. Someone like, say, I dunno, Joe Biden? “C’mon Joe, you must be pretty bored with creating jobs by now, why not embrace the challenge of rescuing a billionaire tech bro from the consequences of his own shitty decisions?”
“Can’t, dork. Too busy fighting ascendant American fascism at Valley Forge. Suck an egg.”
Hey, it’s been a minute since we’ve talked about the comic books, (Hi! In addition to this blog, I write comic books sometimes, if ya didn’t know.) but I have news. MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, which I self-published via Kickstarter thanks to y’all’s generosity, is getting a new run, published by CEX, distributed in comic shops an’ everything. Yay!
So if you missed the original Kickstarter, you can read about, and better yet pre-order MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION at this link!
Otherwise, you’re always welcome on the email list at showercapblog.com, plus we now accept donations to the beer fund by PayPal, Venmo and Cash App! I’m rather insanely thankful for all your kind support over the years. So stay safe out there, chums, we’ve got a loooooooonnnnnng election year ahead of us.
Armpits, Ketchup, and a Butt, and Other Causes of the Civil War (Ferret)
The madness tends t’be mercifully light at the end of the year, as Republicans nurse wounds sustained during family holiday card photo shoots. I certainly don’t intend to look this particular gift horse in the mouth; let’s make it a quick one tonight, and get back to our nogs and mulled ciders.
(As always, links, colors, etc: https://showercapblog.com/armpits-ketchup-and-a-butt-and-other-causes-of-the-civil-war/)
Well, the Colorado Supreme Court and the Maine Secretary of State ruled a certain Manchurian Manchild ineligible for the presidency for his crimes against democracy, fashion, and Perfectly Good Steak. I’m told the crew that stripped his name from that Panama hotel are being brought in to replicate their work on participating states’ primary ballots.
…MAY THEY ROT IN HELL.
Ah, such a warm, inspiring, Christmas message from the undisputed leader of the party o’ family values! Plus, I believe the line about immigrants “poisoning the blood of our country” is a direct quote from Miracle on 34th Street. Or possibly Mein Kampf. I get ‘em confused.
Off-Brand Orbán claims he hasn’t read Hitler’s manifesto, it’s just a zany coincidence that he keeps quoting him on the campaign trail, and who cares anyway, since pluralities of Iowa Republican caucusgoers reported sexual arousal at the prospect of electing a dude who talks like an actual Nazi? No wonder he’s so eager to share word clouds showing voters associate him with “corruption,” “dictatorship,” and “revenge.”
Incidentally, he also denies bullying his way into a cameo in Home Alone 2, (extremely normal human being, our 45th President) but Adam Kinzinger’s claim, that he smells of “armpits, ketchup, and a butt” remains officially unrefuted. Make of that what you will.
Getting trickier to deny the insurrection part, too, as the evidence mounts. Lordy, there are (even more) tapes, of confessed felon Kenneth Chesebro’s testimony about Ron Johnson’s role in the fake elector scheme, and even of the Dotard himself, personally pressuring two Wayne County canvassers not to certify the 2020 election results. Word is Melania’s gag gift, of an orange jumpsuit, did not go over well.
Riding a wave of momentum that’s landed her in the thick of the race for distant second place in the Republican primary, Nikki Haley fell victim to a wily Biden stratagem wherein a plant from the darkest depths of the Deep State asked her a question off a third grade history test:
“What was the cause of the United States Civil War?”
Yeah, that’s a tricky one, all right…assuming you’re seeking the high priesthood of a white nationalist resentment cult.
Anyhoo, having effortlessly short-circuited the latest “moderate” GOP savior with the approximate equivalent of “name your favorite Founding Father,” Joe celebrated a job well done by inviting Hunter over to the Oval to do cocaine off the Declaration of Independence.
Meanwhile, there’s not enough of Ron DeSantis left to fill a chair.
In a tacit admission that his treacherous, deadbeat ass is incapable of cashing the many, many checks his mouth has written, Rudy Giuliani filed for bankruptcy, unless maybe defamed election workers Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman would be willing to accept a stack of IOUs, illegibly scrawled, as if by the not-yet-fully-formed hand of an infant, on Mar-a-Lago stationery, for “legal and insurrectionary services rendered?”
You’d think Harlan Crow could spare a couple hundred million for a fellow wingnut scumbag who’s fallen on hard times. Giuliani’s plight shines a harsh light on the issue of income inequality on the authoritarian Right. A little mild whinging about the meager wages of rolling back women’s rights earns Clarence Thomas a lifetime as the pampered pet of the oligarch class, while Rudy gets stuck paying his own landscaping and hair dye bills out of pocket? It’s fucking unjust, is what it is.
Speaker McCarthy reflected on the many accomplishments of his first year in -
Hang on, that’s not right.
In just a few short months, Speaker Scalise etched his name in the history books, with a far-reaching agenda celebrated across the political spectr-
Wait.
Critics grudgingly conceded Speaker Jordan’s unmatched recorrrrrrrrrr…
Gimmie a minute, I’m gonna get this.
Tom Emmer, not only a real human being, but a United States Congressman and, in fact, Speaker of the whole dang House of Repres-
GODDAMMIT.
Ok. “Mike Johnson awoke in a cold sweat, checked under the bed for Chip Roy, as was now his custom, and marveled that his back had somehow once again gone unstabbed during the night.”
I mean sure, using metrics like “issues addressed” or “laws passed” paints an unflattering picture of the House’s manic MAGA majority, but I say why not judge them by the smiles they brought to our faces? Personally, I’m brimming with gratitude that I lived to witness Kevin’s sad, shambling, spanked-by-that-monkey’s-paw-every-inch-of-the-way death march back to the private sector.
Arguably the most successful thing to come out of the House Republican Conference this year was George Santos’ burgeoning Cameo career. Of course, given that Michigan Congressthug Tim Walberg flew all the way to Uganda just to say “Hey, nice work on that ‘Kill the Gays’ bill, you guys,” (at a PRAYER BREAKFAST, mind you) the dip in legislative productivity was probably for the best.
Having already purpled a district with an R+7 lean with her fashy shenanigans, Lauren Boebert’s re-election prospects looked as dim as Lauren Boebert, following controversial stands on issues ranging from “Democracy, or nah?” to “Should I jack this guy off in a crowded theatre?” so she’s fleeing to redder pastures.
Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Capitol-rioter-cum-congressional-candidate Derrick Evans shared a holly jolly photograph of a Christmas tree adorned with ornaments depicting prominent Democrats dangling from nooses, a reminder that the institutional GOP still isn’t quite brownshirty enough for some folks.
Gas stove owner Kamala Harris used a gas stove in her gas stove-containing kitchen, which got more coverage on Fox than the Dominon lawsuit payout, Boebert’s Beetlejuice handjob, and climate change put together.
Oh hey, with New Year’s resolution season upon us, I’m looking for an accountabilibuddy to help me stick to my daily abortion regimen in 2024. While I did get 328 abortions this year, I’m confident I can do better. I just want to pull my weight as a Democrat, y’know? I’d hate to think I was disappointing Kellyanne Conway.
Well, we made it through another year of this shit. Somehow. Personally, I wouldn’t’ve survived without the steady support of my closest friend and confidant: BEER. And it’s gonna take a well-stocked beer fridge to get me through another election season, so please know all donations (we take PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App!) are always appreciated. Don’t forget to join the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter! Stay safe out there, chums!
Wow, Santa's Not Fucking Around With That Naughty List This Year (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, having arrived at the “Jimmy Comer is hiding under the bed from Steve Doocy because he can’t take the heat on Fox n’ Fiendz” stage of the shampeachment charade, House Republicans figured the time was ripe to link arms and follow Kentucky’s kookiest kakistocrat off the kliff. Er, “cliff,” rather.
(As ever, this shit makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/wow-santas-not-fucking-around-with-that-naughty-list-this-year/)
Yes, even Ken Buck, author of such brave n’ principled op-eds as “My fellow Republicans: One disgraceful impeachment doesn’t deserve another,” and “When I said an election denier shouldn’t be Speaker of the House, obviously that only applied to election deniers who don’t wear jackets. And used to coach wrestling. And bellow indignantly about other folks’ subpoenas after defying their own.”
And sure, Chuck Grassley admits there’s “no evidence” of wrongdoing on President Biden’s part, but that hardly matters, since the House majority feels no particular obligation to name the alleged crimes they’re investigating. Anyway, as Troy Nehls reminds us, a Republican Congressman is first and foremost a low-level Trump campaign staffer, and that organization is not exactly world-renowned for its exacting standards.
Shoot, they’ll draft any defective dumbass disposed to defend a declining dotard’s dreams of dictatorship. Even so, when it comes autocrat ass-kissing, you have to get up pretty early to beat JD Vance to the front of the line.
Dissent remains verboten, of course. Ohio Republicans fear their preferred candidate in the crucial 9th congressional district, Craig Riedel, can no longer win his primary against pudding-brained valor thief J.R. Majewski, who famously painted a racist game show host on his lawn, now that voters know Craig once referred to said game show host as “arrogant.” It’s totally not a cult, though.
Incidentally, it’s delightful to see Jack Smith so prepared for Off-Brand Orbán’s bullshit legal stall tactics. Had allllllll the paperwork for that expedited presidential immunity appeal ready t’go, didn’t he? “Oh, um, actually, we were hoping you‘d give our extremely serious, totally vindicating appeal a real thorough going-over before exonerating our client. Take all the time you need. Till, say, next November?”
Iowa Republicans scrambled to begin construction of a wall along the state’s southern border, desperate to stave off the caravan of book-burning Florida retirees that launched at the invitation of one Casey DeSantis, who correctly surmised her husband can only hope to prevail in next month’s caucuses if there’s nobody at the door checking IDs.
In clear violation of the constitutional prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment, CNN hosted a town hall with shrieking fascist dorkwad Vivek Ramaswamy, likely as a mad science experiment designed to observe the effects of the batshittiest January 6th conspiracy theories when delivered by the most irritating man alive.
Ramaswamy’s been palling around Iowa with Steve “Too Racist for the Trump-Era GOP” King, by the way, and I certainly advise all Haley precinct captains to update their rabies vaccine before approaching any hissing Vivek unviables on caucus night.
It’s hard to believe that before Donald Trump came along, a sex scandal involving a credible rape allegation was enough to end one’s career in Republican politics; nowadays, young MAGA apparatchiks understand YOU GOT TO MONETIZE THAT SHIT. And I know that $2 million sounds like a lot to make the Florida GOP’s Christian Ziegler problem go away, but remember, it’s gotta be split three ways ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
In the waning days of the Fall of the Turd Reich, seems a binder filled with “highly classified information related to Russian election interference” went missing, smuggled, perhaps, out of the White House up Mark Meadows’ cavernous ass, alongside Kim Jong-un’s love notes and Donnie One-Term’s favorite Churchill bust.
(While we’re on the subject, somebody probably better frisk our ol’ pal Willard on his way out of the Senate, lest we lose track of those binders full o’ women.)
This holiday season, launch a surprise counteroffensive in the War on Xmas with the Mugshot Suit Trading Card! For just four thousand, six hundred American dollars, you can own a tiny chunk of the ill-fitting, ketchup-spattered suit Tangerine Idi Amin wore to his arrest at the Fulton County Jail, the perfect gift for any MAGA rube in your life who somehow hasn’t yet overdosed on ivermectin.
Paul Ryan derided Fat Q*bert as “an authoritarian narcissist” and “not a conservative” who “couldn’t even steal health care from millions of Americans with control of both houses of Congress” who Ryan “will of course vote for in 2024” because “what do you expect from me, courage? Principles? I’m Paul freakin’ Ryan for pity’s sake!”
Rudy Giuliani stepped up lobbying efforts to bring his character back in any forthcoming Borat sequels, now that his $148 million defamation bill finally arrived in the mail. Hey, if that doesn’t work out, I hear Four Seasons Total Landscaping is hiring.
Hmmm…Ted Cruz seems curiously reticent to claim credit for the world he worked so hard to build, where his constituents have to flee their home state to exercise their fundamental human rights, wonder what that’s about?
All of Elon Musk’s troubles’re over, now that he’s not only restored Alex Jones’ Xwitter account, but appointed him head of quality control at Tesla. They’ve recalled nearly two million cars to install a new and improved autopilot feature, which neatly deposits you right on the doorstep of the nearest grieving Sandy Hook family, leaving you free to rehearse your diatribe about false flags and crisis actors!
I beg your forgiveness if the tear streaks rendered this week’s blog difficult to read; like so many of you, I was simply overwhelmed by the exquisite contrition expressed in the apology notes composed by confessed seditionists Sidney Powell and Kenneth Chesebro. If I may be so bold, allow me to suggest that appointing Powell poet laureate could be precisely the sort of unifying gesture needed to heal this divided nation’s broken soul.
Ok, folks, I think we’ve all earned a holiday break. Heads up, there will be NO BLOG next week, but if you want to leave beer n’ cookies out for Santa Cap, you can donate at this link, now accepting PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App! https://showercapblog.com/buy-cap-beer/
Or you can support th’madness for free, by signing up on the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known As Twitter.
Oh, and if you see somebody drunkenly stumbling through your neighborhood, wailing “HE’S WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE,” don’t worry, that’s just Megyn Kelly, the van’ll be by in a minute to pick her up.
Keville Chamberlain's Last Surrender (Ferret!)
I’m willing to admit I may’ve overstated the dangers of a second Trump term. He’ll only be a dictator on “day one?” Shoot, that’s not so bad. We should all get twenty-four hours of tyranny, don’tcha think? On mine, we’re gonna round up everybody who holds up the line at the grocery store trying to use expired coupons.
(Can’t imagine it makes much sense without the links: https://showercapblog.com/keville-chamberlains-last-surrender/)
On the other hand, I suspect supreme executive power may bear more than a passing resemblance to Lay’s famous potato chips, so perhaps a teensy-weensy bit of despotism may spill over into the Wednesday after the inauguration, if only to give Kash Patel and JD Vance sufficient time to round up all the journalists they hope to jail.
Yes, the gag order’ll be on the other foot (mouth?) should Off-Brand Orbán return to the Oval, and so his cut-rate, strip mall attorneys tirelessly pursue stall tactics designed to delay his many trials until after the election, (in fairness, proving their client’s innocence isn’t really on the table) when Attorney General Jeffrey Clark puts an end to that “rule of law” silliness once and for all.
Well, the curtain finally fell on the community theatre adaption of Faust For Dummies that was Kevin McCarthy’s career in electoral politics. I found it surprisingly difficult to sum up his legacy for this post…perhaps such words can only be smeared, in feces and clown makeup, on the walls of some tacky golf resort men’s room. One of the very worst Americans of all time.
Kev’s successor, Bartonite mediocrity Mike Johnson, proclaimed himself MAGA Moses, because apparently, the showrunners figured a lil’ messianic delusion might spice up the otherwise stodgy presidential line of succession. And while some may balk at Speaker Mike’s hubristic sacrilege, the truly devout can no doubt recite Exodus 69:17-23 by heart:
So the Lord said to Moses, “When thou dost release thy security footage unto thy friendly media outlets, blur thou thy people’s faces, that they might escape accountability for assaulting police officers on behalf of thy most holy Game Show Host.”
George Santos didn’t waste any time, did he? Little shit must’ve been setting up that Cameo account during his expulsion vote, no doubt reasoning the government won’t be able to repossess any assets he successfully converts to Botox injections before the cops show up. John Fetterman happily launched this uncharacteristically legitimate phase of his former colleague’s career, recruiting Santos to troll Democrats’ own cartoonishly corrupt embarrassment.
(Should Bob Menendez wish to engage George for a clapback, I’m sure he’s more than willing to accept payment in illicitly obtained precious metals.)
I’ll gently suggest that the after-the-buzzer extension of Republican primary debate season lends credence to the once derided theory that we live in actual Hell. Judging by the brief resurgence of social media posts about Vivek Ramaswamy’s burst-hemorrhoid-like personality, they must’ve held another one this week. Why? I could not hope to tell you.
Viewership was way down, likely owing to the absence of Doug Burgum’s smoldering star power, or perhaps because Which of These Asshats Concedes Last? isn’t a particularly compelling question. Incidentally, you might want to check your junk folder, you may’ve been appointed chair of Ron DeSantis’ super PAC without even knowing it.
I know this’ll sound hard to believe, but apparently, preening congressional weathervane Nancy Mace runs something of a “toxic work environment.” I find myself torn between my instinctual libtard impulse to defend labor rights, and my equally fervent belief that any obstacle to the work conducted in House Republican offices ought to be encouraged as a matter of principle. Still, rise up, comrades, and seize the means of (popcorn) production!
Well, the U.S. military finally emerged victorious from the longest, most irritating battle of its 250-year history, as the commander of Fort Tuberville surrendered at long last, releasing his pigheaded holds on promotions, except for a handful he insists on maintaining for pure spite. Hopefully now we can get back to ignoring America’s dumbest Senator, at least until the next time he defends white nationalists, or joins a coup attempt.
The Comeuppance Fairy visited Wisconsin and Nevada this week, bearing legal consequences and burlap underwear for the very, very naughty fake elector children who plotted the overthrow of American democracy. GOOD.
Now, your average, run-of-the-mill, patriarchal police state would call it a day after forcing a woman to submit to the Kafkaesque nightmare of begging the courts for the brief window of bodily autonomy required to terminate a non-viable pregnancy that threatens her health and fertility, but in Ken Paxton’s Texas, they go the extra mile, threatening with prosecution any doctors or hospitals thinking about actually granting the woman her basic human rights.
Meanwhile, the Texas GOP’s Executive Committee removed a clause reading “the Republican Party of Texas have no association whatsoever with any individual or organization that is known to espouse anti-Semitism, pro-Nazi sympathies, or Holocaust denial” from an otherwise unanimously-passed resolution, because hey, there’s no need to antagonize the base.
For too many years, the scourge of communist garlic has plagued our great nation, indoctrinating our children one Olive Garden breadstick at a time, until one brave Medicare fraudster stood up and said NO MORE! God bless you, Rick Scott, for fighting the fights that matter most.
Elsewhere in Florida, it’s delightful to see the Zieglers refusing to go quietly in the wake of their hyper-hypocritical sex scandal/rape investigation. Christian contends it’s unfair to punish them while maintaining total, unquestioning fealty to a guy who’s been found legally liable for sexual assault, and, well, it’s pretty fuckin’ hard to argue otherwise, isn’t it?
International crime lord Joseph Robinette Biden Jr’s weaponized Department of Justice indicted Hunter Biden on nine new tax-related charges, as part of an elaborate scheme to use the 2018 repayment of a $4,000 truck loan to make House Oversight Chairdork James Comer look like a gibbering fuckwit in 2023.
It worked, too.
…all while delivering yet another absolute banger of a jobs report, incidentally. BRANDONOMICS, BAY-BEE!
Anyone looking to further stimulate America’s booming economy can do so at this link; and don’t worry, I promise to spend all donations on beer. You can also support the blog by joining the email list, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Either way, you stay safe out there, chum…
Vape Pens & Poop Maps & Pie, Oh My! (Ferret)
Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod Save America t-shirts raving “TELL HILLARY TO SHORE UP THE BLUE WALL!”
(Can’t imagine it makes much sense without th’links: https://showercapblog.com/vape-pens-poop-maps-pie-oh-my/)
Well, over the objections of House Republican leadership, His Royal Highness Count George Santos VIII was finally forcibly ushered into the reality television show contestant phase of his life, ahead of what’s expected to be a lucrative cigarette smuggling period in federal prison.
112 Republicans voted to keep Georgie (and his vote) around, worried that establishing a precedent whereby excessive criminality disqualifies one from public office would reduce their party to Mitt Romney’s car elevator steward and perhaps a Sununu or two.
It’s a reasonable concern, given that Students for Trump founder Ryan Fournier got arrested for pistol-whipping his girlfriend, and two county-level Arizona Republican officials were charged with election interference felonies, and they’re still finding more Capitol rioters to arrest, and oh yeah, don’t forget Florida GOP Chair Christian Ziegler, I think he deserves a whole new paragraph, don’t you?
Christian, you see, finds himself under investigation. For sexual battery. Of a woman who “had been involved in a longstanding consensual three-way sexual relationship” with Ziegler and his wife, Bridget. Why yes, the very same Bridget Ziegler who co-founded the anti-LGBTQ hate group Moms for Liberty, funny you should mention it. But surely it was some other Bridget Ziegler, one who wasn’t having sex with a woman, who campaigned so vigorously for Florida’s odious “Don’t Say Gay” legislation…surely.
Anyway, I don’t anticipate anyone hanging a “no crooks allowed” sign on the Republican treehouse anytime soon. Which is good news for anybody who’s been, say, found liable for fraud and sexual assault, but still wants a major political party’s presidential nomination.
Indeed, ranting like Hitler and terrorizing judges’ wives only further endears Off-Brand Orbán to his increasingly deranged followers. They went wild when he reminded them of his intention to repeal the ACA, because ultimately, health care only delays the faithful’s ascent to that great Trump Hotel in the sky, where every man is assigned 72 piss hookers and a golden toilet of his very own.
Outside of provoking the odd death threat, Donnie Dotard’s life remains largely a parade of legal setbacks: gag orders, collapsing defenses, stuff like that. So I understand the need to celebrate every W, however meager, I truly do…but I guess what I’m asking is, how many victory laps can one man take for passing a cognitive test? Even if it is, objectively, one of the top ten achievements of his life, only slightly behind attaining the American presidency, but significantly ahead of fathering Eric?
Well, Nikki Haley still isn’t gonna be the Republican nominee, but at least she’s setting a bunch of Koch network money on fire, which is the closest thing to public service she’s ever achieved.
On the other hand, Ronnie DiSappointus may’ve finally righted the ship with…OPERATION: POOP MAP. In these tumultuous times, the American public wants that 3 AM phone call taken by a dude who carries a poop map with him at all times, just in case it turns out t’be somebody calling the White House to ask “say, where can I get some poop?”
Not even Rich Lowry is surprised anymore that this goon can’t navigate a masturbatory, 90-minute vanity debate on Fox without beclowning himself. Even with Hannity lobbing softball after softball, ignoring the taxpayer-funded, six-figure, do-nothing contracts for cronies, and the corpses piling up in the hallway outside the Governor’s office, Ron-Ron’s bat somehow unerringly found his own groin with every swing.
‘Twould appear Tommy Tuberville’s one-doofus war on military readiness is drawing to its close, almost certainly because Joni Ernst keeps DMing him hog castration videos. Coach Pencildick claims he’ll focus going forward on screening out just the “woke” officers, to be determined by conducting home and office raids in search of books of poetry.
Speaking of senatorial dumbasses, Mike Lee apparently believes the FBI issues badges in vape pen form nowadays, so dastardly deep state false flaggers can enjoy a lil’ mango-flavored nicotine infusion whilst entrapping Proud Boys, I guess.
James Comer recognized Hunter Biden’s offer to testify publicly before his committee as a trap, telling Newsmax, “the Biden crime family knows I am completely incapable of getting through a hearing without gaveling my own ballsack flat, and anyway, I’d much rather redact all the parts where Dan Goldman humiliates me.”
Sorry, haters, Elon Musk is thoroughly enjoying his doltpilled descent into anti-Semitism, and no amount of lost advertising revenue can “blackmail” him back to reality or decency. I see he finally found his way to pizzagate, so expect him to buy Comet Ping Pong in order to dig out that stubbornly nonexistent basement and stage a mad, manic SEE?!?!? media event with Greenwald and Taibbi.
Fox Nooz got all excited because they thought they had a Thanksgiving terrorist bombing to blame on Joe Biden, but Kurt Villani went and ruined it by turning out to be a regular guy having a dumb ol’ car accident. Still, they were ultimately able to give thanks, for an audience that will go right on blindly trusting them, even after they got caught in yet another reckless lie.
My own Thanksgiving was lovely, incidentally, filled with traditional liberal America-despising rituals: we crucified a gas stove, and then we hated a pie for a couple hours.
I guess Liz Cheney wrote a whole book about the fascism-enabling cravenness of her former Republican colleagues. A fertile field, certainly. Seems Kevin McCarthy sold American democracy out because the guy who tried to end it forever…wasn’t eating. Aw. Poor tyrant. Had to leave office just because the people voted him out. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
Quivering with carnal rage, Jesse Watters denounced Joe Biden’s lewd, lascivious, straw-sucking milkshake consumption. “The way a man’s lips purse, the way your fingers clasp on it,” Watters trembled, “WHY DOES IT MAKE ME FEEL SUCH PLEASURE AND SUCH PAIN?!?” In six weeks or so, when they discover Jesse in front of the scrotum-tanning machine, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation, with paper drinking straws clamped to his nipples, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
By the way, I’m in the market for a medium, to put me in contact with the spirits of John Frankenheimer and Luis Buñuel, ideally at the same time, because the world deserves a film based on the “In the world of sexual fetishes, crossing the political aisle is a kink” article in WaPo this week.
Oh, and Georgia GOP district chair Kandiss Taylor still thinks globes are a conspiracy to trick you into thinking the world is round, if you were wondering. Even if you weren’t.
Sigh…gotta admit, I already miss George Santos. I hope the promised revenge tour materializes.
If not, I suppose I shall have to console myself with beer. As ever, you can support this blog by donating to the beer fund, (now accepting PayPal and Venmo!) by joining the email list at showercapblog.com, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. One way or another, please stay safe out there amidst the shitstorm, friend.
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PMNumber of posts: 655