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TheFerret

TheFerret's Journal
TheFerret's Journal
May 28, 2022

Well, If Your Kink Is Getting Lectured By Malevolent Cowards, This Week Was GreatN (Ferret)

So, Republicans’ meticulously maintained system of intentionally insane gun laws once again extracted its toll. And since they remain ideologically opposed to (checks notes) protecting children from gun violence, we may as well start the countdown to the next one. I understand folks come to this page for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but no fucking promises tonight.

(I promise this ranting makes more sense with the links, at least marginally: https://showercapblog.com/well-if-your-kink-is-getting-lectured-by-malevolent-cowards-this-week-was-great/)

As you are no doubt aware, an unthinkable tragedy occurred in Texas this week, when Beto O’Rourke disrupted a sacred Republican gaslighting ritual, the traditional post-mass-shooting Wingnut Victimhood Pageant, and just when they were getting to the thoughts n’ prayers, too.

Yeah, that’s really how these slugs’re playing it this time ‘round. Because shame is for cucks.

Truly, nothing reveals the pus-encrusted heart of modern conservatism more than a classroom full of butchered children. And they know this. Used to be, when a shitbag with an assault rifle slaughtered enough grade school kids, the bloodbath’s legislative enablers would at least slink into the shadows for a few days, to allow the sane, decent folk of the nation to howl in grief and rage over this price they force us to pay and pay and pay.

Even that small grace is too much to ask of these rat bastards nowadays, and yes, we’ve long understood that the cruelty is the point with these people, but their defiant, profane insistence that it is their position, atop a mass child grave, that constitutes the moral high ground…I know I say “fuck these evil scumbags” a lot, but fuck these evil scumbags.

They fully understand their position is indefensible, of course. Look at Ted Cruz, who, for all his cowardice, trained in argumentation at the finest schools in the country; he can neither navigate nor endure a simple, reasonable, entirely foreseeable discussion of current events with a journalist. He can do nothing but scamper away, whinging about how unfairly he’s been treated.

Listening to the howling rageweasels of the right wing media bubble, you could be forgiven for assuming the Uvalde massacre was something that happened to them; all roads lead back to the persecution of the poor, trod upon Real Murican, you see. To lift a finger to halt this senseless, preventable carnage would be an intolerable assault on their way of life.

Shit, they might just have to start a whole dang civil war over it. Don’t say they didn’t warn you. (That Tucker Carlson communicates like a textbook domestic abuser is another of those zany coincidences, I’m sure.)

But y’know what, creeps? Your way of life is trash. Outside of the immeasurable suffering you inflict on the world with your firearm fetish, y’all just responded to a global pandemic by throwing suicidal tantrums on a culture-wide scale. You’re not being oppressed, you losers, you’re just idiots who make terrible decisions.

This particular elementary school slaughterhouse is proving especially inconvenient for the gun manufacturers and their legislative puppets, since it so perfectly exposes the cynical sham of the deliberately useless “policies” they’ve implemented in their long, vile crusade to avoid doing the one thing that actually works.

The “good guys with guns” could not possibly have fucked things up any more, which is pretty impressive when you remember the last GGwG from a major school shooting. The district did all the things Republicans have haughtily insisted would keep kids safe. They did not keep kids safe.

And to suggest, as Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton did while the bodies were still warm, that somehow the answer here is even more deadly weapons in our schools, is not just madness, but politically incorrect, 60’s-exploitation-film-set-in-an-asylum-level madness.

What sane person would invent an imaginary epidemic of feral pig attacks to justify inaction in the face of the mass murder of children? Who fucking behaves that way? What, at long last, Senator Cassidy, is fucking wrong with you?

My own take on the divisive feral pigs issue, incidentally, is that we should stop electing them to the fucking Senate.

Oh, by the way, Senate Republicans blocked Democrats’ domestic terrorism prevention bill, to get the crowd warmed up for the main event, when they’ll block any meaningful gun control legislation, because these kids’ graves aren’t gonna piss on themselves.    

Of course, no mass shooting is complete without the ceremonial Furious Republican Blaming of Random Shit. An extremely incomplete list:

Doors. “Wokeness.” The 1994 Los Angeles Dodgers’ bullpen. Critical race theory. The homeless. Bob. Carol. Ted. Alice. I guess none of it needs to make sense anymore, if it ever did; Cult45 is only too happy to blindly regurgitate whatever the yapping heads happen to screech.

US Congressman/open white nationalist Paul Gosar leaped aboard a disinformation campaign designed to pin the shooting on a transgender woman, because that’s just the sort of thing you do when your first impulse in any given situation is “spread more hate.” I’m starting to doubt there’s any bottom to this depravity, but if there is, Paul’s my pick to get there first.

And I imagine scientists could only speculate on the long-term effects of the parasitic relationship between Jason Whitlock and the psychic tapeworm devouring the remaining six ounces his brain.

Then there’s Herschel Walker. Headlines are like, What the Actual Fuck is This Idiot Saying It’s Literally Gibberish Holy Balls They’re Trying to Make Him a Fucking Senator We Are All Going to Die. At this point, I feel like, given what we know about Walker, any rational human would find the idea of making him a federal lawmaker absurd. 800,000 Georgia Republicans are really into Ionesco, I guess.

Since we’re here, yeah, I guess we may as well stumble over to the outhouse of horrors that is the 2022 Republican primary calendar.

Now, I enjoy a good Donald Trump is a Loser Who Loses So Very Hard story as much as the next guy, and, given his extensively documented shortcomings as an evaluator of fitness for office, I certainly support the idea of breaking his power as GOP kingmaker, but let us not forget that Brian Kemp and Brad Raffensperger are experienced, professional vote suppressors, who pursue all the same anti-democracy goals, with a fraction of the fuss.

Still, Chris Christie smells blood, and sure, it’s probably just leftover ketchup from a McDonald’s run during his errand boy days, but I say, dogpile away, campers, though I’ve seen enough horror films to know this fucker’s nowhere near done yet.

Wee Michael Pence busted out his best Ric Flair strut, too, as though we wouldn’t notice he couldn’t quite find the courage to oppose the guy who tried to have him lynched until the Perdue campaign was pronounced medically deceased. Whatever.

I suppose this is the appropriate spot to mention the new revelation, that Off-Brand Orbán was such a big fan of the “Hang Mike Pence” chants on January 6th that he couldn’t keep his enthusiasm to himself. Which gives all those gossipy, “Pence breaks with Trump” headlines a lil’ edge, don’tcha think?

…but they’re still never gonna vote for ya, Mikey. The faithful don’t elect Judas, that’s not how that story goes. You ate shit for four years, scorched your immortal soul beyond redemption, and all you have to show for it is history’s soggiest cracker. Them’s the breaks, you enabling taintfungus. You deserve it, by the way. You deserve it sooooooooooo much.

What a goddamn shitshow. At least somebody finally flushed the last lingering floater of the Bush clan. Bye.

Seems kinda stalemate-y in Ukraine this week, or maybe domestic atrocities simply drained me of the capacity to pay attention, who knows?

Vlad the Miscalculator may have finally shrunk his goals to a size his moron army can manage by pressing the Make Bomb Go button, but the whole world still caught him frantically rifling through his closet for Cold War tanks to replace the toys he’s so petulantly smashed.

However, now that the Shart of War has banned Morgan Freeman and John McCain from entering his shithole police state, expect Ukrainian military strategy to collapse, reliant as it is on dead legislators’ vacation plans.

So, turns out Donald Trump Jr. pays people to bait bears so he can shoot them, which is pretty much the least surprising thing I’ve ever read. The level of self-delusion it must take to look at these embarrassing people, and see strength…well, it helps explain the ivermectin thing, I suppose.

I know you’ve all worn through several fainting couches since first we met, but apparently Jared Kushner and Steve Mnuchin abused their government posts to engage in cartoonishly corrupt dealings with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud. I’m thinking of selling Shower Cap-branded smelling salts to help readers through paragraphs like this one.

Yikes. I bet everybody could use a couple of those Donald Trump is a Loser Who Loses So Very Hard stories I mentioned a little while back, right? Fear not, the week saw not one, but two massive legal setbacks for the Deposed Dotard and his criminal spawn. Death, taxes, Donald Trump losing in court.

It appears Elise Stefanik’s revolting history of spouting the white nationalist great replacement theory* landed her on Gameshow Göring’s 2024 running mate shortlist, in the event you’re still in denial about living in Hell. Nobody ever got fired from The Apprentice for Nazi shit, y’know.

Meanwhile, in Michigan, five separate Republican candidates for Governor have been disqualified for submitting fraudulent petition signatures. Also, looks like we can add “incinerating documents in the West Wing” to the list of Mark Meadows’ crimes against American democracy.

Oh, and monkeypox, too. Because fuck you, that’s why.

Yeah, this week sure did lob a steady stream of paving stones right at our collective groin, but don’t you dare give up. Because Australia just booted their own cheap Trump knockoff, and Brazil looks ready to follow suit. And hey, check out the crowd that showed up at the NRA’s unseemly propaganda festival today. Times are hot rhino shit on melba toast lately, I grant you, but this fever will break, and we will be the ones to help break it.

There’s certainly no shortage of bastards in the grinding-you-down business these days, but fuck them. All that horse dewormer is gonna catch up to ‘em someday real soon, you’ll see.

Ok, I need to go drink beer and watch professional wrestling for a couple days. Stay safe, my loves, and take care of yourselves, there’s plenty of work ahead of us.

*Which, it turns out, was about Mike Pence all along.

May 21, 2022

Another Week at the Mercy of the Murderously Mediocre (Ferrety ol' Ferret)

Keeping up with the news these days makes me feel like someone is using my skull for a vomitorium, at a party where somebody’s gross cousin brought really bad acid. Well, there’s no way that image didn’t whet your appetite, so I’ll take the liberty of assuming you’ve been hooked, and proceed.

(As ever, links + additional sensory stimulation awaits those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/another-week-at-the-mercy-of-the-murderously-mediocre/)

Vladimir Putin spends his days cross-legged on the bathroom floor, helplessly fixated on his inevitable place in the history books, as Czar Fuckup the Great Big Fucking Fuckup Who Fucked Up So Hard We Will Literally Never Stop Talking About It So Long as Humanity Persists, and sobbing. Goes through a ton of…I dunno, maybe Ben & Jerry’s, maybe cheap, Soviet-era meth.

It’s not fair, really. Call of Duty makes war look so fun n’ easy, but the reality is full of boring-yet-crucial details, like “do I understand how fuel works,” “are these tanks, or rolling death traps,” and “seriously, is anyone in this piece of shit army even literate?”

See, when you neglect that shit, you can wind up, say, shoveling the tattered remnants of your pathetic armored divisions directly into the waiting maw of enemy artillery, while your legion of clowns repeatedly fails to construct a pontoon bridge. Hypothetically speaking, of course. That would be really embarrassing, though, wouldn’t it? Like the Spanish Armada, but dumber.

Tank graveyards: betcha can’t leave just one.

Anyway, consequences pile up in a hurry when you suck this much, so Vladimir the Terrible (At His Job) now appears to be drastically scaling back battlefield objectives for the second time in less than three months. At this pace, by Labor Day, he’ll be attempting to encircle a single Ukrainian Denny’s.

And fucking that up, too.

Did you know Pootie has his own sad, caffeine-free diet shithole NATO? It’s called the “Collective Security Treaty Organization,” and while they’re considering an application from Ron DeSantis’ new secret election police force, the current roster is Russia and five former Soviet Republics with the approximate combined GDP of a reasonably busy Starbucks.

So, this fearsome alliance held a little meeting, presumably in Lukashenko’s basement, where the Belarusian strongman, who totally isn’t Putin’s puppet, (there’s a perfectly logical explanation for the KGB cufflinks that keep turning up in his stool, SHUT UP) tried to get the team all fired up about hopping on the boondoggle bandwagon. And everyone basically looked at their shoes until it was time to leave, because allies are tough to come by when you’re smashing your own military to bits for spite.

Of course, the Russians insist they’re the Real Victims™️ of their war of aggression, which flaunts their kinship with our own domestic right wing in a rather instructive manner, don’t you think?

They whine about NATO expansion, as though it’s unfair, and frankly, more than a little tacky of their neighbors to do anything but patiently await their own annexation. They whine at talk of using their seized assets (brilliant move leaving all that shit in foreign banks, by the way; that’ll come up in those history books we mentioned) to rebuild the sovereign nation they chose to invade. They whine that their enemies refuse to stop exploiting their ever-expanding smorgasbord of self-inflicted errors, and then they launch another missile at another hospital.

Yes, my dude, you are being kicked while you are down. If you don’t like it, pull your butchers back. You could give that order right now.*

But no, they’re pulling all this creepy, cultural redecorating, shipping Russian statues and textbooks and shit into occupied areas. Personally, I’d wait to see if the cheap, plastic army men can actually hold any of this fuckin’ territory before I invested in remodeling, but I suppose it’s hardly reasonable to expect budgetary prudence at this late date.

wE’Re GOiNg tO ReBUilD maRiUPOl aS a REsoRt tOWn, they yelp. You can mark me down as skeptical on that score, comrades, but feel free to invest your kids’ college money. I mean, those of you who remain in Ukraine are unlikely to do so above ground.

Because pricks have begun appearing in the propaganda bubble, (and I’m not just talking about Tucker Carlson, ayyyyyyyyyy) and you’re already scrambling to find fresh meat to toss to the howitzers, and now you can’t even drown your sorrows in a fucking McFlurry. Heck, even the handful of collaborators you’ve managed to dig up are hot trash.

Just to sum shit up, Vladkins…when they’re afraid of ya, they don’t talk about how weird ya smell.

Oh, and what a diverting gaffe from our 43th President, ho ho ho! Dubya is surely well into the Nightly Visits From Dickensian Ghosts phase of his post-presidency, so expect more of this sort of thing.

The power-mad, illegitimate SCOTUS majority decided it was simply too goshdarn difficult to bribe elected officials under current law, in Ted Cruz’s name, just to be extra shitty about it. Dunno what to tell you, the voodoo dolls I ordered off Etsy didn’t work.

Big win for the American Right in Buffalo this week, as the stochastic terror tree they tend with such care once again bore fruit, in the form of the latest subpar white boy mass murderer. Just in time for the midterms.

Now, you might expect a pundit or a politician to respond to news that their own rhetoric is indistinguishable from that of a white nationalist terrorist with something resembling contrition, or shame, but you have to understand, from where they sit, these fucks are so achingly close to a world where they can openly applaud this violence, LIKE THEY WANT TO, that it’s pretty irritating, being forced to go through the motions, say, “oh, shooting people is wrong”…since it’s not something they actually believe.

Oh, you’re exaggerating, Cap, that’s not fair, I bet Kyle Rittenhouse gets invited to hang out with the undisputed leader of the Republican Party for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with the two human beings he shot to death. I’m sure he’s insightful and amusing on a wide variety of non-murder topics.

We will not be receiving an apology from Elise Stefanik, let alone her absolutely warranted resignation, is what I’m saying. White nationalist rhetoric, is, after all, the entire reason she has Liz Cheney’s old job. And of course, should you criticize her, she’ll simply call you a pedophile until one of her fans takes matters into their own hands.

The yapping heads of the wingnut media bubble predictably provided the sweet, soothing balm of fresh victimhood to their audience of disinformation junkies, madly blaming the tragedy not on the unapologetic racism of a manifesto-confirmed white nationalist, but abortion, or “wokeness,” or the unfinished Minesweeper game on Hunter Biden’s laptop.

And it was a false flag anyway, so honestly, don’t give it another thought. (Unless you’re inspired to perpetrate a terrorist attack of your own, in which case, please follow these digital breadcrumbs until your mind is completely shattered, at which point you will be directed to the nearest gun shop.)

Nope, no one will be apologizing for this system functioning exactly as designed. Tucker Carlson’s work is measured in corpses, folks. Shit, Laura Ingraham would sue the manifesto for plagiarism if there was money in it. Meanwhile, Matt Schlapp’s over in Hungary, explicitly pitching abortion bans as offense against the “great replacement.”

Jeeeeeeezus. Even the NRA generally had the decency to slink into the shadows for a couple days, while the bodies cooled. See, it’s that lack of shame that gives fascism its kick.

Boy, there’s nothin’ quite like primary night in an era of ascendant authoritarianism, amirite? Grab a sixer, heat up some pizza rolls, wait around to see just how much Nazi shit our neighbors are in the mood for this week…the answer is never “zero” anymore, which isn’t great, if you ask me.

Still, Idaho Lt. Gov. Janice McGeachin was unable to ride her newfound celebrity in the white nationalist community to a promotion, and I’ll drink to that news. Shit, I’ll do a line of coke off Brad Little’s ass to that news; we should party like it’s 1945 every single time these shitbags lose.

For example, I’m expecting a Supreme Court showdown over the cake I’m having baked for my Madison Cawthorn Won’t Be in Congress Anymore bash this weekend.

It’s tricky, trying to pin down exactly which line young Maddy crossed to earn his death cult defenestration; must’ve been the kinky videos, or the Eyes Wide Shut Was Basically About Kevin McCarthy allegations, cuz it certainly wasn’t the penchant for gun crime or the Hitler vacation. It’s hard to tell when you’re dealing with people who guzzle livestock medication and worship a game show host who has to pay for sex.

Still, not nearly enough Congressmen vow revenge upon electoral defeat, y’know? Like, tell me Eric Cantor spends his days constructing an enormous trebuchet, and searching Zillow for a property juuuuuuust the right distance from Dave Brat’s house.

Anyway, it’s “Dark MAGA” the little crotchpimple wants now, which must mean, like, a colon tumor with teeth, erupting hourly, spewing corrosive diarrhea…what else could those three syllables possibly imply?

Which brings us to Doug Mastriano: 2020 election truther, devotee of all letters found ‘twixt P and R, and, since this is Hell, the official Republican nominee for the Pennsylvania governorship.

Doug is one of those loons who composes apocalyptic fanfic about “real men” saving civilization from the vile, hedonistic forces of People Who Disagree With Doug Mastriano, who must, of course, be destroyed at all costs, and he’s running on the promise to commit the crimes no one was willing to commit last time out. “Vote for me, and I’ll hand-pick the votes that count, in this pivotal swing state.”

“Vote for me, and we’ll never give the power back.”

Pennsylvania Dems think they’ve got the next Todd Akin here, but as someone who spent a substantial chunk of 2016 reveling in Donald Trump’s toxic unelectability, I’m gonna leave my gloating pants in the closet for now. If you can spare a buck, give Josh Shapiro’s campaign a boost, because democracy is pretty cool, and I imagine we’d all like to keep it around.

Well, not all of us. Not Doug, certainly. Not Ginni Thomas. Or Mark Meadows. Not Donald Trump, or his dirtbag lawyer, John Eastman. Not Jody Hice, or any of the other MAGA candidates seeking control over our election infrastructure. Not the Republican primary electorate in Pennsylvania, that’s for sure…we’re actually in the fight of our goddamn lives, aren’t we?

…with a regressive grievance cult that finds feeding hungry children during a formula crisis immoral. I’m willing to admit some of my previous assumptions about the fundamental decency of the average American were on the overoptimistic side.

See? Vomitorium. And while there’s no reason to think beer can wash the memory of any of this crap away, I’m gonna give it a try anyway, for science. Stay safe out there, folks.

*Putin reads my blog, right? Or Lavrov gives him bullet points, anyhow. 

May 14, 2022

Starving Babies is the Pro-Life Position, You See (Ferrrrrrrret)

They were right, it truly is a mad, mad, mad, mad world; just not in a way that’s any fucking fun at all. Slap that title on a horror film? Yeah, that’s where we live. Not gonna sugarcoat this, friends, this one’s real, real gross.

(You know you get links and shiny colors over on the blog site, yeah? https://showercapblog.com/starving-babies-is-the-pro-life-position-you-see/)

Before we dig in, big, fat congrats to America on that one millionth official Covid death, though if we’re honest, we padded the numbers with a petulance-based mass suicide movement. We’re the laughingstock of the afterlife, you know that, right?

Let it be hereby proclaimed: whereas Donald Trump before him was known, within the confines of this (silly) blog, as the “Shart of the Deal,” henceforth Vladimir Putin shall be referred to, periodically at least, as the “Shart of War.” Why it took me two and half months to notice this low-hangingest of fruits is a matter for me to sort out with my fifth grade English teacher.

I’m sorry, Mrs. Putin, I’m sure your boy has other talents, but I don’t think war is a good fit. Next invasion, he should probably spend less time drafting his How I Conquered Ukraine While Shirtless and on Horseback speech, and more inspecting his army to make sure it, you know…works.

Coulda headed off a whole buncha trouble, right there. “Hey Sergey, before we launch this war of aggression, I just wanna check in real quick…does the army work?” “What do you mean, mein Führer?” “Like, can it do army stuff? Winning battles, running supply lines, that sort of thing?” “Ah. I understand now. No, mein Führer.” “Well, shit.”

Yeah, that probably wasn’t the “Victory Day” speech Vladkins had planned, (runnin’ out of jet fuel, kid?) back when he was fapping to fantasies of confetti and collaboration. You know you’ve got a completely unspinnable turd on your hands when a dude who runs a whole-ass police state treads so lightly. On the bright side, Genocidal Fuckups Day is looking like an easy layup.

Aw, cheer up, Poots, at least your boys’re getting better at retreating. But do go on about all the objectives your Special Military Operation™️ keeps meeting. It’s all very convincing, and I’m sure your big, scawy thweats will keep Sweden and Finland from joining NATO, on account of how backupable they are.

In the relatively short history of superpowers, I feel like they don’t, generally speaking, tend to leave a lot of “tank graveyards” behind in the wake of humiliating retreats, but I’m certainly no expert. I’m speaking specifically of the tank graveyard that has become a tourist attraction in the country you thought you could conquer in a week. Oh, and the war crimes trials are already starting, that happens to superpowers all the time. Threaten away, though.

Rand Paul, having really settled into the “bloviating self-parody” phase of his career, single-handedly held up the latest round of bipartisan Ukraine aide, which won’t derail the bill, only delay it. You know, the sort of petty shit Rand pulls all the time, the way Susan Collins asserts her mewling, futile concern. SO WEIRD that Ron Paul’s kid has a pathological craving for attention-seeking misbehavior, innit?

I can’t be the only one who pictures salivating cartoon hyenas when I read about all the rights America’s power-drunk white resentment cult is already targeting, now that the illegitimate theocrat SCOTUS majority has shown its hand on Roe v. Wade, can I?

Tate Reeves, who, as Governor of Mississippi, somehow led a state in the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history to a third-world Covid death rate, practically wet himself on Jake Tapper, at the mere suggestion of banning contraception, like some tenth-rate Taliban warlord. Not even warlord. Does the Taliban have, like, shift managers?

And then there’s Stew “Best Buds with the Lt. Governor of Idaho” Peters, who doesn’t seem to feel the need to be quite so subtle about the world the American Right hopes to build.

Y’know, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he might’ve stopped himself from comparing women to reptiles on the Senate floor, but then, if Steve Daines had a lick of sense, he wouldn’t be a Republican Senator, now would he?

So, it would appear the fearsome might of the U.S. presidency resided, for four goddamn years, with a fellow who believed China was shooting us with…lord, I’m embarrassed just typing it…with a hurricane gun.

He would be the dumbest person on any playground in America, and they’ve made him their king, and their God.

Incidentally, seems the hurricane gun guy wanted to court-martial a few retired generals, for the high crime of daring to criticize the Most Holy and Smart Acer of the Cognitive Test, Donald J. Trump, the “J” stands for, “Did I mention the HURRICANE GUN?”

He also proposed closing every single U.S. embassy on the African continent, but I’m sure if you just pass one more critical race theory ban, no one will notice how racist your white nationalist hate cult is.

…and this is the Party of Lincoln’s mighty kingmaker.

At least the good people of Nebraska will be spared the gropey governorship of Chuck Herbster. But in West Virginia, Team Treason picked up a W, after successfully hanging a vote for the bipartisan infrastructure bill around the incumbent’s neck, because only cucks want bridges that don’t collapse. My compliments to the disinformation chef; you’ve managed to make these rubes despise their own roads…once you break a human mind, the sky truly is the limit, isn’t it?

Didja see that thing in the Washington Post, that laid out everything we know to date about Mark Meadows’ treacherous conduct during the Stoopid Coo? I remember each individual scandal, from months of steadily-trickling headlines, but when compiled like this, the shit reads like the plot synopsis of some sordid, straight-to-video, Tom-Clancy-meets-Joe-Eszterhas boondoggle. Which is essentially what it was.

First off, he and his shitbag wife pull their brazenly clumsy bit of voter fraud, and then from there, he spends two months careening through the federal government, swinging a ball peen hammer around his head, blindly hoping to smash enough shit to break American democracy forever. Which is not how I remember Leo McGarry behaving on the West Wing, frankly.

Many of Meadows’ skeeviest co-insurrectionists now face subpoenas from the House committee investigating January 6th, having obstinately refused to align themselves with the forces of decency and democracy in the struggle against hatred, violence, and authoritarianism. Cuz they’re the party of law n’ order, y’see.

A court in California overturned a law forbidding the sale of semiautomatic firearms to anyone under the age of 21, and there’s certainly nothing insane about a society that prioritizes the rights of mass shooters over the lives of their victims. Nosireebob. Rational decisions only, here in 21st century America.*

One America Nooz Network wants you to know that, unlike every other glob of septic waste they shovel into your brain, the stuff about 2020 election fraud is fake-ass news, and my GOD doesn’t it feel good, watching the Big Lie take such a stout legal spanking? Now, if we can just do something about all the Big Liars seeking control of the nation’s election infrastructure, we might just be able to hang onto our country.

Meanwhile, the Republican War on Disney For Not Hating Gay People Enough led a gang of swastika flag-waving asspimples to the Magic Kingdom, to screech about “grooming,” and, as you know, wherever American Nazis rear their subpar heads, Josh Hawley can’t be far behind….yeah, when Nazis and Senators are saying the same things, you KNOW you’re in a healthy democracy.

Like, lookit Dan Crenshaw and Marjorie Taylor Greene, clawing and puking and flinging poo at one another….there’s room for all kinds of maniacs under the GOP tent, with its profane, Lovecraftian angles.

But Madison Cawthorn and this Kathy Barnette person are TOO crazy, I guess; and yeah, I imagine the job of death cult gatekeeper has its challenges, but then, each passing day is a fresh, new opportunity to come to your fucking senses, and join us here on the side where insanity isn’t incentivized.

Republicans’re mad at Joe Biden for shining a spotlight on Rick Scott’s “abandoning serfdom was a mistake” economic plan, but not mad enough to actually present the public with alternative party platform, don’t be silly.

I guess there’s a new grand jury looking into that thing where the Deposed Dotard stuffed his pockets on the way out with as many classified documents as he could wrap those tiny, inadequate fingers around, that’s good. Say, we should get Trey Gowdy to head up an investigation into this poor, persecuted intel; he’s quite passionate about the issue, if I remember correctly.

So, Elon Musk spent $44 billion to buy his fascist loser buddy’s Twitter account back for him, because emotionally stunted man-babies of a feather stick together, I guess. Wonder what he’d have to pay to reinstall Steve Schmidt on Meghan McCain’s Xmas card list?

Or maybe the little freak isn’t buying Twitter after all. Either way, I mostly just resent this inescapable toddler for the space his misanthropic antics take up in our culture. Can’t you just build a lair somewhere, and lure spies into death traps?

If anybody out there is somehow still reading this diatribe, I regret to inform you that, despite the preceding tales of atrocity and abuse, we are only just now arriving at the bottom of this week’s barrel. If anybody needs a moment to like, clean the projectile vomit off the wall, now would be a good time to take care of that.

And let me start by saying that I legitimately do not blame Republicans for hitting Biden on the formula shortage; (though of course the administration is doing all it can) that’s Politics 101, and we’re all adults here.

…but to frame the issue as RACE TRAITOR BIDEN STARVES WHITE INFANTS TO FEED INVADING BORDER HORDE, as so many prominent Republicans have, just…like, are you proud of yourself for fueling hatred of brown babies?

And I understand that one of the primary appeals of your creepy, post-shame culture is that such buffoonish hypocrisy no longer bothers you, but this hideous lurch, from sanctimonious lectures about “life” directly to DESPISE THESE BABIES THEY WANT TO REPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU…it’s a little much, guys.

That said, I would like to respectfully resubmit my request that y’all cut it out with all this Nazi shit.

All I want to know about this supermassive black hole is, is it a place where no one is around to shriek about toy potato gender, or the sacred right to chug livestock dewormer, and if so, how the fuck do I get there? I will become an edgelord billionaire solely to build a rocket to take me to that place, if it exists, so help me God.   

So, if you’ll excuse me, I need a sandpaper-and-bleach bath now. FUCK. I’ll see you next week; try not to hate any babies while I’m out.

*No, YOUR country’s right-wing extremists staged a terrorist assault on the seat of government! Shut up!

May 7, 2022

The Susan Collinsest Susan Collins That Ever Susan Collinsed (Ferret)

Wooooooo…rough one this week, even by the weary, battered standards of the year two thousand twenty-two. Well, grab yourself a beer, or a whiskey, or a great big slice of cake, or, I dunno, your favorite tentacle porn video, whatever gets you goin’, and let’s stare this fucker straight in the eye, if only to let it know we’re not afraid.

(Shiny are the colors and nifty are the news links in the version of this post found here: https://showercapblog.com/the-susan-collinsest-susan-collins-that-ever-susan-collinsed/)

So, I’m guessing by now you’ve heard about Sammy Alito’s little Guess Whose Rights I’m Taking Away This Summer essay. I have to say, there’s nothing quite so disturbing as a Republican reveling in his own abuse of power; and of course, punishing so many uppity women all at once, conceivably for generations yet to come, is every religious fanatic’s wettest dream made reality. So it’s pretty gross out there.

Within the snug, padded confines of the wingnut outrage bubble, (“Where YOU’RE always the victim, no matter whose neck your boot is crushing!”) the real scandal here isn’t a deranged, illegitimate, theocrat court abusing their purloined authority to steal millions of Americans’ rights, in vicious defiance of the public will, but rather…that the opinion leaked.

Because I guess the plan was to keep the whole thing secret. Quiet, like. Slide it into the Friday news dump, everybody just shrugs and moves on to whatever’s on HBO.

I understand that rationality isn’t really a “thing” on the right these days, but they truly seem to expect folks to docilely accept the steady erosion of their rights by a resentment-fueled, kakistocrat minority. Which is precisely the sort of crap that led to America in the first place, if you think about; congratulations on devolving into a tawdry parody of the villains in your own national founding myth.

Now, we’ve all seen this day coming, and we all knew exactly how Susan Collins would behave when it came, but actually sitting through the obscene spectacle of her sputtering, stupid, self-justifying lies made me puke on my shoes. Fortunately, I keep a pair for just such occasions; they were still a bit crusty from that gloaty lecture she delivered when she stuck the nation with Kavanaugh in the first place.

Incidentally, the Senator from Moderate Cloud Cuckoo Land has already announced she won’t be backing Senate Dems’ reproductive rights bill, offering an unusually insulting bit of swiftly-debunked horseshit as justification, because she’s Susan Collins, and these are simply the sorts of things one does when one is Susan Collins. It would be funny, I suppose, if it weren’t for all the senseless human suffering she’s caused.

And of course, various regional cells of the American Taliban have all sorts of additional legislative vileness on tap, eager to test the limits of this mad new majority’s tolerance for authoritarianism. I don’t imagine we’ve seen the last wave of fuckery out of Anti Choicey Barrett and her power-drunk gang of thugs, is all I’m saying.

Fucking hell. Well, let’s switch to a lighter topic for a minute, like Ukraine, and the War of Misguided Russian Aggression, where Vladimir Putin’s multifaceted master plan gallops along with nary a hitch.

See, Poots wanted the world to spend three weeks watching his cut-rate military fail and fail and fail to capture the Azovstal steel plant; it serves the nifty dual function of providing endless hours of content documenting senseless civilian suffering, which happens to be the fuel that runs the engine that’s been delivering that merciless supply of increasingly-powerful western weapons that keep popping up on the other side of the ol’ battlefield, AND advertising the inescapable incompetence of his own forces, as if to demonstrate to the entire world that he is helpless to prevent them from kicking him while he’s down, so mired is he in this mess of his own making.

Good luck with your speech, though. Gonna go great.

And you gotta love the off-the-record-wink-wink victory lap the Biden Administration is taking over providing the intelligence Ukraine has used to take out Russian generals n’ warships n’ such; Joe’s practically playing “why’re you hitting yourself” with the big, scary KGB man.

Meanwhile, the Russian diplomatic corps seems determined to equal the self-destructive incompetence of their comrades in the field. Sergey Lavrov, who is somehow Foreign Minister of a regime that fancies itself a superpower, figured that what this fraught moment called for was a casual, “Look, Hitler was basically Jewish,” no doubt earning himself an amusing little sidebar in the diplomacy school textbooks of tomorrow.

One is tempted to suggest that Vlad just isn’t sending his best, but he totally is, isn’t he? There doesn’t appear to be a solitary strong link in the entire Russian chain of command.

The Failing New York Times debuted an experimental new horror section, publishing a three-part deep dive into Tucker Carlson, the throbbing, acid-spewing tumor at the heart of ascendant American fascism, and the apparatus he uses to spread his infection: the tauntingly Orwellian Fox News Channel. Here in this childishly scatological blog, we’ve seen Liar Tuck for the assiduous manufacturer of goose-stepping terrorists he is for a while now, but it’s nice to see th’paper of record finally catching up.

Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene are not, I’m sad to report, behind bars where they belong, but actively campaigning for J.D. Vance, who, as the sort of fellow who willingly associates with violence-inciting maniacs and child molesters, would, I think, make for a very poor Senator indeed. Congrats on your big primary “victory,” J.D., though I imagine that painting in your attic is in rough shape by now.

Speaking of Republican primaries, I see the death cult felt like spicing up the expected slate of Q-addled shitwits, nominating a charming fellow who finds himself currently incarcerated for KILLING HIS CANCER-STRICKEN WIFE with a “concrete, gallon-sized flower pot.” Andrew Wilhoite, you’re gonna fit right in.

The shittier the human the better, as far as Cult45 is concerned. God knows Idaho Lt. Governor Janice McGeachin has been having the time of her life, wallowing in the white nationalist hog pen she tripped into a few weeks back, at Nick Fuentes’ Grievance Gala for the White and Subpar. Cool friends, Janice.

Greg Abbott’s sorry bid for his own fifteen MAGA minutes failed to capture the mob’s attention, let alone their adoration, and now he’s just the guy who gave some undocumented migrants a bus ride to D.C. at Texas taxpayers’ expense. Real nice work, kid.

People who attempt things as foolish and ignoble as mimicking Donald Trump’s political tactics shouldn’t be in charge because they’re shitty, hateful people. People who make the attempt, and fail as spectacularly as Abbott shouldn’t be in charge because they’re fucking idiots. I’m sure there’s a third reason Abbott shouldn’t be in charge, but do you really need it?

Former Turd Reich Defense Secretary Mark Esper’s new book is apparently chock-full of anecdotes about Wee Donnie One-Term trying to get the Pentagon to slaughter people for him, be they peacefully protesting American citizens, or whoever might find themselves on the receiving end of the missiles he proposed lobbing into Mexico, believing evading responsibility for this act of war on a neighboring ally would be as simple as blaming a fart on the dog, or Eric probably, now that I think about it.

One obvious thought here is that “trigger-happy” is maybe not the best quality for a Commander in Chief. You never hear a story about Donald Trump asking if the army could like, cut through all the goddamn red tape and just deliver food to hungry children, y’know? Just periodic, sullen stabs at I Can Haz Secret Police?

Which is why I certainly wish Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis well with that shiny, new grand jury over in Georgia. I know you’re not supposed to have favorites, but of all the legal challenges besieging the nitwit cabal that tried to steal my country, this is the one that holds my heart. And maybe that’s because I just really, really hope it’s formally written down somewhere that it’s illegal to call up an election official and brazenly ask him to fraudulently alter voting results.

Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson is like that recurring sitcom character who reliably demonstrates a single predictable behavior, and that behavior is “uncritically accepting any and all Covid conspiracy theories, however bizarre and/or imbecilic.” In a truly regrettable coincidence, Johnson’s lone other significant trait is that he’s one of 100 currently serving United States Senators.

Madison Cawthorn has gotten himself into so much unsettlingly weird trouble, and at such a young age, that I’m honestly starting to feel insecure about my own productivity levels. Like, this kid’s bucket list is deeeeeeply fucked up, yes, but he’s certainly checkin’ shit off. (And may I gently suggest it’s in the national interest to get this little Nazi creep the fuck out of Congress before he works his way to the bottom?)

Seems Lauren Boebert has “written” a “book,” and admit it, you’re morbidly curious to witness the contortions this poo-flinging fascist dolt undertakes to craft a hero narrative around herself. She should call it, “My Struggul.”

In such jet-black times, you gotta take the good news wherever you can find it; in this week’s case, in the welcome twist at the end of an otherwise unpleasant headline like, “GOP candidate who told women to "enjoy" rape suffers surprise loss.”

Lotta magic in those last three words, don’tcha think? “Suffers surprise loss.” Say ‘em out loud…pretty sweet, huh? And I believe there’re plenty of opportunities to hang those same three words on a whole bunch of aspiring autocrats this November. Let’s sneak up on ‘em while they’re measuring the drapes, shall we?

Just…don’t let the bastards grind you down. Because they’re trying to. And because we’re absolutely going to beat the fuckers, no matter how long it takes, and you’re gonna want to be there for that. Till then, stay safe out there, Resisters… 

April 30, 2022

Ask Not at Whom the Pineapple Flies, Mr. Trump; It Flies at Thee (Ferrrrrret)

I feel like there are two kinds of news stories these days: those demonstrating the catastrophic consequences of empowering the rageful nationalism sweeping through the global Right, and the ones about America’s Republican Party looking upon those consequences and squealing, “Gimmie some more of THAT!” In other words, shit remains cray.

(It’s all much more fun with links, trust me: https://showercapblog.com/ask-not-at-whom-the-pineapple-flies-mr-trump-it-flies-at-thee/)

Let’s start by checking in on Pooty’s Folly, I guess. You’ll recall, the original KGBrilliant war plan relied heavily (okay, exclusively) on the opposing military not fighting back. For…reasons which I’m sure seem significantly less sturdy with hindsight’s wisdom. At least among the survivors.

Shockingly, it didn’t take Bard the Bowman to exploit this teensy strategic weakness, and it turns out that not preparing for war before starting a war is, um, not a exactly a recipe for success, restoration-of-the-mighty-Soviet-Empire-wise.

Which brings us to the present, and Vlad the Miscalculator’s wildly overdue plan B: hurling the remnants of his broken toy army at Ukraine’s west and south, praying he’s still got enough bombs, bullets and bodies left to eke out some really cool mud to brag about conquering in his upcoming “Victory Day” speech. Set your DVR for that one, by the way, it’s gonna give Orwell’s ghost an aneurysm.

Anyway, I guess the Russkies’re being marginally less idiotically suicidal than Phase One: Sit Here and Get Shot At, but we are most definitely not watching a superpower work its inevitable will on a weaker neighbor.

The last traces of that carefully constructed strongman/chessmaster image dissipated weeks ago, like an asparagus fart, and all that remains of Putin now is a sort of shittier, mangier Wile E. Coyote, trapped in a spiral of petulant aggression and humiliating defeat.

There’s ultimately only so much you can accomplish with a military this shoddy; mostly just clumsily apocalyptic blanket shelling and war crimes, but I repeat myself. Their tanks are shit and their troops are shit and their brass is shit, even their cyber army is shit, it turns out. From what I’ve heard, the chow is shit too, but take comfort, boys, I can’t imagine you’ll have to endure it much longer.

And while sanctions undermine Russia’s ability to resupply, Ukraine keeps getting bigger, better shit, (every other day it seems you hear, like, “Belgium agrees to send 35 dinosaur-mounted laser cannons to Ukraine”) so they’re actually facing a better-equipped nation than the one they invaded, which is pretty fucking funny, if you ask me.

All of which makes Poots’ yapping threats of “lightning fast” retaliation extra adorable. Nobody outside your fifth-rate police state believes your military is capable of so much as assembling IKEA furniture at any fucking speed at all, kid. The West will resist the temptation to polish off your pathetic “army,” because yes, you’ve got nukes, but honestly, if it came down to it, would you clods even be able to get the silos open?

See, nobody’s afraid of you when you fuck up this big. Sweden and Finland are making out with NATO in front of everybody, and they’re looking ready to go all the way. Shit, Biden sent Blinken and Austin to frolic through Kyiv, (technically the middle of a war zone, not that your clown army can get anywhere near it) the diplomatic equivalent of drawing a dick on Vlad’s face when he nods off after one too many Zimas.

Now the Russians bitch n’ moan because the War Where You Weren’t Supposed to Fight Back You Guys has spilled over into the murderous motherland. Fuck you. Don’t start wars. Spare us the mewling victimhood of the exposed bully, at any rate.

And Vlad didn’t even get his pet stooge in Paris, boo hoo. This is your life now, you genocidal turdmaggot. You’re the modern day Prometheus, an eagle shows up every single day to drop another bowling ball on your groin. Learn to love it.

Seems there aren’t enough mass graves in Mariupol to make the Senate’s Fakest Doctor stop spreading the Kremlin’s filthy propaganda, such is Rand Paul’s loyalty to the creed of kakistocracy. Forgive me for taking the low-hanging fruit, but it’s truly a wonder he doesn’t get punched more.

It’d probably be more fun watching Kevin McCarthy scramble like a roach dodging Raid in the bathtub if he weren’t in line for perhaps the least-deserved promotion in political history. Of course, Republican voters seem rather fond of obsequiousness in their leaders, which isn’t really any more counterintuitive than the rest of the insane shit they believe, I suppose.

The 2022 Republican primaries just keep on unfolding like a collaboration between John Frankenheimer and Eli Roth gone horribly wrong. In the Georgia Governor’s race, one candidate pledged blind, docile allegiance to American fascism and its Big Lie, and the Pennsylvania Senate debate, fucking hell, it was like watching a defiantly unwoke production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

The once-great state of Florida continues its distressingly swift devolution into the Shithole Republic of DeSantistan, complete with appropriately obscene congressional gerrymander. How long, one wonders, before Reichskommissar Ron-Ron dispatches his new “fraud police” force to Disney World as shock troops?

Thousands of newly released Mark Meadows texts further illuminate the criminal blundering of the confederacy of fascist dunces who tried to steal our government from us not so very long ago, and I have vague memories of living in a country where such things would’ve been frowned upon, but alas, as Meadows’ texts with Sean Hannity show, the conspirators can count on dutiful wingnut media footsoldiers to pimp the party line, however mendacious, however rotten.

I suppose it was inevitable that a Twitter troll would wind up running Twitter, but given the bountiful buffet of intellectual and psychological shortcomings that comprise the resentment-fueled weirdo known as Elon Musk, this looks to be a rather perilous social engineering experiment, one I’d just as soon skip. Regrettably, both Moderna and Pfizer say a vaccine against the trickle-down consequences of billionaire manchild insecurity is still years away.

Jesus fucking Christ, did somebody forget to lock Marjorie Taylor Greene’s crate? She’s been on a goddamn rampage, the brownshirt equivalent of a wild spring break in Cabo; calling for “Marshall Law*,” and lurching to the brink of a kooky catfight with fellow psychopath Lauren Boebert.

Oh, and despite her Q-drenched ravings about Satan allegedly controlling the Catholic Church, she’s taken to palling around with Milo Yiannopolous, a disgraced, ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-right-wing fanatic, who is literally famous for condoning pedophilia. No doubt this unignorable hypocrisy marks the end of her MAGA influence; they’re a notoriously ethically consistent bunch.

Speaking of the wad of feral colon tumors known as the Freedom Caucus, young Madison Cawthorn, hot off a fetching drag spread in Politico, once again got caught attempting to smuggle a loaded firearm onto an airplane, and isn’t it fun having so many sitting United States Representatives who behave exactly like terrorists?

Cutting through the bullshit to get to the heart of modern conservatism, here’s Tennessee State Representative Jerry Sexton, casually expressing his desire to burn books, as though it were the most ordinary thing in the world, which it is…to Nazis.

As ever, at the center of the shitstorm slouches Donald J. Trump, (the J stands for “Just held in contempt in New York”) like an enchanted, talking ostomy bag, still whining about water pressure and staggering through his sad, sorry, incessant home run trot over “acing” that goddamn cognitive test.

The God Emperor of the GOP operates essentially like an old man fiddling with his phone in a booth at a Denny’s, muttering to himself, slinging slurs at the waitstaff, refusing to leave. Oh, and he lives in mortal terror of pineapples, apparently. Of course he does.

Really stellar personality to build a cult around, is what I’m saying. Exemplary choice, kids. I mean, the Sacred Passing of the Cognitive Test is practically a Bible story now. Anyway, communion today is a shot of livestock dewormer in front of the scroto-tanner, enjoy!

I’m gonna have to tag out here, folks, having knocked myself unconscious pounding my head against my desk. Before you go, I wanna share somethin’ a little different with you, my review of the song “All I See,” by The Bellwethers, featuring blog reader/Kickstarter backer Fran Scianna! It’s good shit, you’ll dig it! Stay safe!

*Yes, she is so very dumb, ha ha ha; I anticipate many humorous grammatical errors in the reeducation camp signage to come.

April 23, 2022

Tucker Carlson: New-Age Testicle Guru, and, Amazingly, Other Equally Stupid Shit (Ferret)

“There’s no shortage of assholes,” my dad used to say, as a sort of catch-all explanation for the seemingly endless supply of irksome weirdos one collides with over the course of one’s life. And I think that holds up. There are certainly no kinks in the asshole supply chain at the moment; if anything, the market is overserved, as the following paragraphs will demonstrate.

(As always, the albatross and the whales, they are my brothers. Also, this post is available with news links here: https://showercapblog.com/tucker-carlson-new-age-testicle-guru-and-amazingly-other-equally-stupid-shit/)

Well, it only took them two months, but the butchering clod brigade that apparently passes for an army in Moscow finally eliminated nearly all traces of human life and civilization from one city in Ukraine. Congratulations, boys, you turned Mariupol into a mass grave so the idiot billionaire that sent you to die in a foreign land could lay momentary claim to slightly more dirt.

Yes, it’s taken just two months to reduce Vlad the Genocidal Fuckwit to feebly staging premature missile tests, like some dime store Kim Jong-un. Incidentally, calling your big, bad ICBM “Satan II” is the act of high school freshman desperate for puberty to hit. (Personally, I’m looking forward to Satan III: Satan Goes to The Hague.)

Now, I’ll allow that decorating the brigade responsible for the atrocities in Bucha was an inspired bit of trolling, but you’re in a war, not a Twitter spat, and given your performance on the battlefield to date, I’m not sure that giving Ukrainians extra motivation to shoot at you was the wisest move.

Anyway, enjoy all the shiny new howitzers n’ things that’re headed your way; I bet it sucks to be incapable of resupplying your deteriorating “war machine” on account of all those debilitating sanctions, by the way.

Most mephistophelian felicitations go out to Mr. J.D. Vance, who won the death cult equivalent of the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes: the endorsement of a man he once called “America’s Hitler.” Man, that was a whole damn show, wasn’t it? Like watching hogs fight over a turd.

But that’s what Republican politics IS now: morons gyrating depravedly, desperate to gain one racist game show host’s approval. It’s all incredibly healthy.

And now Republicans’re worried, because the Deposed Dotard is proving to be no better at making endorsements than he is at running casinos or managing pandemics or closing umbrellas. And fucking OF COURSE he’s more interested in petty retribution (and equally petty grifting) than in helping the team win elections…does no one listen when he tells the snake story?!?!

Fuck yes, I hope your lil’ kakistocrat kingmaker costs you loads of winnable races this fall, although maybe you kids could find a moment to reflect upon just how you wound up with an electorate that’s so horny to back serial abusers like Eric Greitens, Herschel Walker, and Charles “Gropey” Herbster, because that shit didn’t happen overnight.

That’s why this crap with McConnell and McCarthy is so fucking infuriating; they know exactly what they’re enabling, they understand how wrong and dangerous it is; they’re just too spineless and power-mad to oppose it. Mitch, Kev, speaking on behalf of every patriotic American, I’m real damn tired of paying for your cowardice.

Florida parents were aghast to discover their children’s math textbooks are insufficiently racist…I guess. I mean, there must’ve been a Million Mom March on Tallahassee, all voices rising as one, “Hey! Ho! Kids should learn fractions from Richard Spencer!” Otherwise, why in seven hells is the DeSantis administration behaving this way?

Soon enough, the textbooks will surely insist Florida has always been at war with the Walt Disney Company. And war means sacrifices; Ron-Ron and his minions, in their zeal to crush dissent, casually shifted a massive tax burden onto their own constituents with their legislative conniption, because living under Republican governance means not just accepting institutional bigotry, but financing it.

This paragraph is strictly for the alien archaeologists, trying to work out precisely how and why humanity mysteriously vanished from the face of the Earth around 2050: yes, this is indeed a state government lashing out vengefully at a private corporation, an enormous part of the state’s economy in fact, for not hating gay people enough. That’s what they’ve decided government is for. Yeah, we’re pretty much tantruming towards extinction these days.

Hey, while I have your attention, o ye extraterrestrial Lara Crofts, I should also confirm, regretfully, that yes, human males that look to mewling mediocrity Tucker Carlson for guidance on masculinity do exist. Yep, even though he laughs like a cartoon marmot, and his jawline resembles nothing so much as three pounds of rancid mayonnaise in a leaky Ziploc baggie. Dunno what to tell you, common sense wasn’t really a “thing” on the right in the early 21st century…don’t get me started on horse dewormer.

Actually, y’know what? Go ahead and get me started on horse dewormer, since a new study shows as many at 234,000 Americans needlessly died of Covid, because they chose not to take any of the free, safe, effective vaccines. Long-term benefits to the gene pool notwithstanding, why are we allowing the maniacs who spread the disinformation responsible for that horrifying statistic to set education policy? Does that sound like a good idea to anyone?

I mean, I guess if you’ve survived two years of Carlson’s coronavirus lies, you may as well get good n’ lubed up, and irradiate your scrotum. If you’re a SISSY, that is. REAL men dip their ballsack in lye, every morning, with their coffee, which REAL men lace with bleach, thumbtacks, and motor oil.

And because everything is extremely gross these days, we can actually tie Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour directly to recent events in DeSantistan. In a great, big bow. With a tapeworm. And that tapeworm is a Twitter account called “Libs of TikTok,” the ruptured cyst of oozing hatred at the center of the frenzied, manufactured “grooming” panic currently spiraling out of control on the American Right.

Now, to cut through the feigned indignation of the conservative media bubble, what Libs of TikTok does is target LGBTQ+ folks for harassment. This “groomer” shit, like so much right-wing messaging these days, is designed to dehumanize political opponents, in order to justify, and even encourage violence. It’s straight-up Nazi shit, and it scares the piss out of me.

Hey, the next time Donald Trump and Piers Morgan fight, it should be with monkey wrenches.

Unchastened by the blowback from her contribution to white nationalist skidmark Nick Fuentes’ loser sock hop, Janice McGeachin announced her intention to campaign alongside Stew Peters, an equally skeevy little freak who single-handedly blacks out the entire Racist Wingnut Bingo card.

In the grand scheme of things, the Lieutenant Governor of Idaho probably has fewer day-to-day responsibilities than the manager of a reasonably busy KFC, but I guess what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t want my chicken fried by Nazis, either.

Meanwhile, Mark Meadows got caught registering to vote in three different states simultaneously, and a couple of Steve Bannon’s confederates in that dumbass wall-building scam pleaded guilty to defrauding donors, but y’know, something something populism, something something law and order.

These fucking people. It reflects poorly upon American culture and character that we’re even entertaining the thought of returning them to power, but so does the ivermectin-chugging and scrotum-tanning, I suppose. And then there’s this.

Ok, folks, I cannot stomach one more second of this shit; I now require several beers, and I shall have them. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my friends, shit’s been real weird.

UPDATE: Young Maddy Cawthorn did WUT now?

April 16, 2022

Vladimir Putin in the Multiverse of Consequences (ferrrrrrrrrrrrret)

In many ways, the universe has been telling humanity the same story, over and over again, for at least half a decade now, and the moral of that story is that Nationalists Cannot Do One Fucking Thing Right, on account of the debilitating inefficiencies of their rage-warped raisin brains.

(Get the shiniest version of this post here. It’s actually delightfully shiny: https://showercapblog.com/vladimir-putin-in-the-multiverse-of-consequences/)

And yet, despite the clarity and the repetition, here we are once more, talking about putting Marine Le Pen in charge of a whole-ass country. And like, how many mass graves is it gonna take to drive this shit home, people? Problem-solving is not what this ideology is about.

Sigh. I would desperately like to be a member of a species that’s capable of learning.

Anyway.

What a colossal dumbfuck is Vladimir Putin, huh?

Just how many different ways are you lookin’ to humiliate th’Motherland on the world stage, Mr. Shirtless Cowboy Czar Man? Future historians will be unable to speak your name without shaking their heads and chuckling derisively.

Fifty fucking days into the Special Military Operation™️ that was supposed to take two, the Russian military has graduated from Retreating in Shambles to In Hindsight We Probably Shouldn’t Have Left That Black Sea Flagship Out Where Ukraine Could Sink It, so I’d say throw ‘em a party, but I think we all know Russia lacks the logistical capacity to transport cake to the front lines without losing another thousand conscripts.

The mighty Kremlin disinformation factory’s best bullshit spin on this debacle was “NUH-UH! We suck so hard we blowed up our OWN boat!,” but in fairness, after seven solid weeks of dropping bowling balls on their own feet/groins, I can’t imagine they’re at their best over there.

Meanwhile, the plan to fragment and weaken NATO is going so well, the debate on membership in Finland and Sweden has swung from “hard nah” to “would it be tacky to include baked goods with our application packet?” which, when you think about it, is the entirely inevitable consequence of A) starting a war of aggression in Europe, and B) fucking it up this badly.

The Russkies have threatened retaliation, of course. They’re doing quite a bit of threatening these days, which, like…you and literally what army, dawg? Incidentally, y’all are the ones who decided to wander into somebody else’s country and start murdering children, so you’re not allowed to get all fussy when folks fight back.

I mean, yeah, I imagine it’s downright aggravating, watching that endless supply of Western weapons flow to the army that’s kicking your loser army’s ass, but that’s why we don’t start wars, now ISN’T IT?

‘Specially now that they’re gettin’ the good shit. While you struggle to rearrange the shabby remnants of your bungling butcher brigade, Zelensky’s shopping the most advanced arsenals in the world, on Instacart, from the comfort of Kyiv, aka That City You Completely Fucking Failed to Conquer. Twelve drummers drumming, 500 Javelins jumping, and a partridge in a fucking pear tree; they’re all headed your way, Poots.

Tucker Carlson, multi-tasking fascist beaver that he is, won’t let his content-creating obligations to Putin’s propaganda machine interfere with his existing domestic radicalization/stochastic terrorism program. It made distressingly few headlines this week, when the most watched man on cable openly, casually called upon his viewers to physically assault public school teachers. I mean, it’s no Nancy Pelosi Has Loads of Ice Cream, but in a country with a real and growing right-wing violence problem, it feels newsworthy.

Hey you guys, I’ve got a great idea: let’s get ahold of Hunter Biden’s laptop, and use it to read about the new revelations regarding the Turd Reich’s ridiculously corrupt, multi-billion dollar dealings with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud! Or would that require too much ethical consistency?

Now that Eric Greitens’ ex-wife claims extensive documentation in support of her abuse allegations, perhaps it’s started to dawn on Missouri Republicans that a disgraced, chronically violent lunatic is not the best available fit for the open U.S. Senator gig, though I’ll concede the example set by Josh Hawley muddies the waters, standards-wise.

It’s obviously profoundly unhealthy that voters even flirted with Grody Greitens, given existing allegations, but I have to admit, I always sleep a little easier any time this flock of assholes finds a limit to the level of depravity they’re willing to accept in an elected official. Limits are our friend here.

Like their comrades in the Kremlin, America’s ultra-right extremists tend to be men of grandiose ambition, but negligible ability, which is my cutesy little way of bringing up Mark Meadows, who clearly lacks the intellectual bandwidth necessary for the life of high-stakes crime he’s chosen for himself. Still, I suppose it was kind of him to leave such a damning digital trail, demonstrating precisely how horny the likes of Mike Lee and Chip Roy were back in 2020 to join any slightly-less-batshit insurrection than the one Sydney Powell offered. Some might call these texts, “evidence of a criminal conspiracy,” because that’s what they are.

Oh, and Mark has finally been removed from the voter rolls in North Carolina, having been caught committing honey bunches of voter fraud there. Hopefully this will not be the Consequences Fairy’s last visit to the Meadows household.

I see the Marsha Blackburn Couldn’t Graduate Grade School Pageant that debuted at the recent SCOTUS confirmation hearings wasn’t some one-off thing, but merely the opening installment of what looks to be a multi-season epic. For the record, if Tennessee gets its own, private border wall, ALL the wingnut loony bins’ll want one, so I’m afraid the answer is no.

Surely some bright, enterprising 10-year-old can be found to tutor the good Senator on the basics of American civics. Shit, Tommy Tuberville could use some help in that department, now that I think of it. Actually, from disinformation spigots like Ron Johnson to autocracy enablers like Lindsey Graham, I can’t think of anybody in Mitch McConnell’s godforsaken caucus that wouldn’t benefit from a remedial citizenship course or two.

Speaking of the world’s greatest deliberative body*, the Dotard-in-Exile endorsed carpetbagging huckster fuckwit Mehmet Oz in the competitive Republican Pennsylvania Senate primary, CUZ HE SAW HIM ON THE MAGIC BOX THAT TALKS, you see. He would endorse Tom Selleck if he could. Or Mr. Ed. Or the Hamburglar. (“He’s been treated very unfairly!”)

Somehow, this 100% foreseeable outcome caught the Pennsylvania GOP flatfooted, and folks, I feel like you’ve had ample opportunity to internalize at least the broad outlines of the Frankenstein story by now, so, y’know…sorry ‘bout your damn luck. “Wow, we took a television addict with late-stage brain rot and anointed him kingmaker, WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG?”

Now that the gates of kakistocracy have swung wide enough to lure Sarah freaking Palin back, the idea of vetting these candidates at all seems quaint and faintly snobbish. I mean, of course the dude who manufactures the tear gas used against Black Lives Matter protesters showed up, OF COURSE HE DID.

You creeps are under no obligation to keep propping up the utterly valueless currency that is Donald Trump’s dank, clammy endorsement, by the way. Didn’t do shit for Mo Brooks. It’s not doing shit for insider-trading milksop David Perdue, though by all means, flush half a million bucks down that toilet, kids.

Hell, Mike Pence is so desperate to wash the Trumpstank off, he’s boiling himself in holy water thrice daily, not that it’ll do the little weasel a lick of good…it gets in your fuckin’ pores, doesn’t it, Mr. Vice President? Incidentally, your erroneous belief, that you had the right to defile Heather Heyer’s memorial with your obscene presence, proves you’re too son-were-you-kicked-by-a-horse fucking stupid to be president of the late shift at Starbucks, not that there’s any conceivable political future for MAGA Judas anyway. Shut the fuck up and go the fuck away.

A routine, entirely non-controversial courthouse-renaming bill, the sort of thing even C-SPAN junkies can’t get into, erupted like a Troma film cyst, thanks to the rampaging bigotry of the feral, white nationalist cult that is the House Republican Conference. America, if you’re listening, I know inflation sucks, but the Ku Klux Klownshow is not the answer.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt signed a breathtakingly regressive abortion bill into law, no doubt daydreaming of being chosen as the lucky theocrat who gets to hold Anti Choicey Barrett’s hand when she fulfills her lifelong ambition to Make Women Legally Incubators Again. Better watch out, Kev; given recent developments in Florida and Kentucky, there’re quite a few salivating hyenas circling already.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is so fucking thirsty for Fox News airtime that he took a tire iron to the nation’s already-battered supply chain, because the great thing about a culture war is that you wage it on yourself. In a marginally sane world, you’d expect the electorate to turn on an incumbent who abused his power to directly, intentionally harm his constituents, and indeed the whole dang economy, for the sake of a pathetic stunt that didn’t even fucking land, but as the pandemic so distressingly demonstrated, Republican voters genuinely want a Daddy who spanks.

…but not one who might be capable of answering simple questions without coming off like a drooling moron, mind. Yes, the Party of Lincoln retreated in terror from the field of presidential debates, presumably forever, which actually makes sound strategic sense, considering their frontrunner spent years bragging about passing a cognitive test.

Plus, the week saw a not-particularly-rare double serving of that uniquely American shit sandwich: the public mass shooting. I simply cannot figure out how this keeps happening in a nation where gun policy is set by sociopaths with unweaned cowboy fantasies.

Anyway, Elon Musk is attempting a hostile takeover of this blog; I’m gonna go see if I can trick him into paying in beer. You folks stay safe n’ sane out there…if you can!

*Try saying it out loud without laughing. Can’t be done.

April 9, 2022

In a World This Mercilessly Stupid, How Could Sarah Palin NOT Come Back? (Ferret!)

A week without malignantly insane, world-wrecking assholes…that’s all I want. One little week. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just once click over to Ye Olde Shower Cappe Blog, braced for the expected litany of horrors, only to encounter a brief, “Well whaddya know, the shitbuckets actually left us alone for a few days, I finally got around to that last season of Deadwood!” A boy can dream, can’t he?   

(Get this post in stunning technicolor glory, here: https://showercapblog.com/in-a-world-this-mercilessly-stupid-how-could-sarah-palin-not-come-back/)

The Russian military has certainly had a tough time of it in Ukraine, (the murdering dolts can’t even retreat competently) but after week upon week of catastrophic blundering, they’ve finally stumbled onto one thing they’re actually halfway decent at: slaughtering civilians.   

Future war-mongering autocrats take note: it’s prudent to save the really major war crimes for securely held territory, because when you’re forced to flee the field in defeat, residual evidence of your inhuman savagery can really turbocharge the world’s will to thwart your bloody ambitions.

Keep it up, Pootie Tang, I think there are still six or seven Stinger missiles left in a garage somewhere that aren’t currently aimed at your butchering buffoons. And I know y’all are redeploying and resupplying and all, but I, uh, wouldn’t expect great things from the remnants of the force that oh-so-cleverly occupied Chernobyl. Anyhoo, surely the glorious restoration of the Soviet Empire is just one more bombed-out maternity hospital away.

Like an overmatched game show host trying to gaslight his way out of a global pandemic, Vlad the Miscalculator’s latest master plan involves claiming each freshly unearthed atrocity is in fact a dastardly Ukrainian false flag designed to make him look like a big ol’ meanie. It’s working about as well as any of his recent schemes, I suppose; Russian “diplomats” are getting expelled by the score, (enjoy the job market back home, kids) and invites to the United Nations Human Rights Council’s Xmas party have been rescinded, which really stings, because Ban Ki-moon usually busts out his absolutely legendary karaoke version of Fox on the Run after an appletini or two.

Anyway, it seems like a particularly inappropriate time to be scrawling taunting little notes on the missiles you’re launching at noncombatants, but maybe Vladward is just excited he got Pink Floyd back together.

Here at home, Republicans continue their extremely Putinesque assault on LGBTQ rights. Frankly, the institutional GOP is kicking itself for not embracing QAnon sooner; turns out, you don’t need any platform whatsoever, you can even embrace lunatic policies that kill tens of thousands of your constituents, so long as you train a sufficiently large base of credulous dirtbags to reflexively believe that anyone who disagrees with them about anything is a child molester.

Because Disney’s content deviates from Laura Ingraham’s grisliest gay-bashing fantasies, they’re “grooming” children, you see. Now Lauren Boebert furiously demands Mickey Mouse’s cancellation, on the grounds that his name is just too darn hard to spell. (There should be a song to help with that, y’know?)

Oddly, in their fervor to incite a few theme park mass shootings, none of the shrieking heads of the right-wing rageosphere found time to condemn Tennessee Republicans’ proposed legalization of child marriage. Shit, they neglected to even mention Ruben Verastigui, the latest in a long, long, long, long, LONG fuckin’ line of prominent conservatives to earn an actual, real-life conviction for sexually abusing children.

Well, Ketanji Brown Jackson has been successfully confirmed to the Supreme Court, despite the Senate GOP’s demented smear campaign, (she’s only soft on pedophiles, not a pedophile herself, at least she wasn’t the last time I checked the fever swamps, though I’m sure Hillary Clinton has plans to invite her over to partake of the traditional Democratic congratulatory child face buffet) though not without one final infantile conniption from the likes of Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham.

So, Paul Gosar, sitting United States Congressperson, is headed to yet another white nationalist shindig, this one in celebration of Hitler’s birthday. Now, outside of the generally undesirable spectacle of a federal legislator CELEBRATING HITLER’S BIRTHDAY, I’m afraid I must insist upon registering a complaint here; a satirist’s job is tough enough without all this unfair competition from reality.

I probably shouldn’t fixate on Congressman Szell, excuse me, “Gosar,” he’s an outlier, right? We should pay more attention to the GOP’s fine, upstanding moderates! You won’t catch wannabe Senator J.D. Vance baking cupcakes for Adolf; no, he’s far too busy cutting mega-racist campaign ads, and parroting the white nationalist “great replacement” theory…on reflection, probably not the best example.

Okay, okay, Gosar AND Vance are outliers, let us rather focus on Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who, trailing in the pivotal Racist Idiot primary, announced a moronic “plan” to bus migrants from the border to Washington, D.C. Pretty standard Republican electoral politics here, by which I mean, “juvenile performance art, designed to elicit malicious cackling from the shittiest people alive.”

(The real outliers in this clown car full of bleeding rectums are, of course, Kinzinger and Cheney.)

I’m actually quite sympathetic to MAGA nation’s plight; it must be challenging, maintaining fanaticism in a cult of personality, when the personality in question is such an inveterate loser as Donald John Trump. Of course you have to concoct fake accomplishments to justify your blind fealty, otherwise you’d have to face the reality that you worship a serial fuckup who can’t even dress himself. Anyway, he didn’t kill Bin Laden, Congresswoman McClain; you are now cordially invited to resign in shame.

Speaking of Donnie Dotard’s seven decades of incessant faceplanting, there’s a brand-new fiasco for the fridge, Ma! I’m talkin’ about TRUTH SOCIAL, which flopped so hard and fast you’d think the man in charge was some sort of world-class shitwit who couldn’t even figure out how to make money in the casino industry.

While I understand and accept the bleak inevitability of the headline, “Trump endorses Palin,” reading it still made me curl up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor, weeping tears of vomit, for several hours. I finally gathered the strength to stand up and start cleaning the mess, but then along came “Bin Laden’s niece praises Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz for backing Capitol rioters” to knock me back on my ass.

By the way, Taylor Greene made history this week, as the very first batshit-gargling conspiracy theorist to get mercilessly owned on both the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives and a late night talk show within a two-day span. Congratulations, Marj; your prize is an all-expenses paid trip…to Guam.

Shopping for your slush-brained conservative relatives can be frustrating; there’s room for just so many made-in-China red ballcaps amidst the doomsday prep kits and meth paraphernalia. Well, for the low, low price of $2,500, you can secure your favorite cultist their very own spot on the faux “grand jury” staged by a disgraced Elvis impersonator with a history of sexual assault, where everybody will play dress-up and pretend to indict Anthony Fauci. It’s like the Dunning-Kruger effect, only for dignity.

Y’know, you’d think it’d be obvious by now that there’s nothing less fruitful than trying to piece some sort of consistent, coherent ethical system together from the hypocritical drivel Mitch McConnell offers up to excuse his ruthless, amoral pursuit of power, but damned if the feckless, autofellating pundit class doesn’t insist upon wasting everyone’s time trying*.

Golly, now even John Roberts is bemoaning his power-mad, wingnut colleagues’ abuse of the SCOTUS shadow docket process. Yeah, ol’ Doc Frankenstein was sure he could control the monster he made, too.

I see Off-Brand Orbán wants us to believe it was only the Secret Service that prevented him from joining his loser hate mob in their march to the Capitol last January 6th, as though the whole world doesn’t remember what happened the last time he was called upon to Walk a Short Distance in Public.

Newly uncovered text messages reveal Don Junior’s hilarious certainty that the Attempted Assclown Autogolpe would swiftly prove to be both easy and peasy. Look, when you take a brain built from Trump family DNA and relentlessly batter it with cheap cocaine, you have to expect results like this.

Just as a little palate cleanser, please enjoy this video of Senator Brian Schatz taint-punting insurrectionist shitweasel Josh Hawley into another goddamn galaxy. God, I needed that.

It’s all so fucking exhausting, and I don’t even have a declining dictator lobbing bombs at my house. Lordy. Stay safe out there if you’re able, my lovelies. Oh, and if you pledged to my most recent comic book Kickstarter, your rewards are IN THE MAIL, so you’ve got that goin’ for ya.

*Remember, kids, Friends Don’t Let Friends Share Chris Cillizza Posts!

April 2, 2022

BREAKING: Right Wing Hatred, Idiocy Ruin Everything (YES, AGAIN) (Ferrrrrret)

If anybody had this week in the office pool as the one when the world’s many asshats would finally stop fucking more or less everything up, and let the rest of us just LIVE OUR FUCKING LIVES IN PEACE, you lost your fucking money, didn’tcha? Well, feel free to seek shelter from the merciless barrage of Will Smith takes in the following paragraphs:

(Which can also be found, in living color and featuring loads o’ links, here: https://showercapblog.com/breaking-right-wing-hatred-idiocy-ruin-everything-yes-again/)

Welcome to week whatever of Vladimir Putin’s Dunning-Kruger War, everything’s going great, thanks for asking. Maybe nobody fell for your tricksy fake diplomacy, and maybe your military is retreating, with nothing to show for its efforts but t-shirts reading I Briefly Occupied Chernobyl and All I Got Was This Lousy Dose of God Knows How Much Radiation, but otherwise it’s been a veritable clinic on conquest; you could give seminars at CPAC, or whatever that Nick Fuentes thing is.

Yes, with the dare I say yugely successful completion of Phase One, (which is the phase where you accidentally shoot down your own planes, tactics 101, everybody knows that) Operation: Please Please Please Fuck Up Less You Guys may now commence in earnest!

But can Vlad the Miscalculator’s clown army successfully retrench to achieve even these vastly reduced new war goals? I mean, with the casualties they’re taking, Russia seems to be demilitarizing the wrong country. Personally, I think if you can’t get through one measly month of your war of aggression without begging your Syrian buddies to replenish your supply of bullet sponges, you probably never had much of a shot at restoring the full glory of the Soviet Empire, bucko.

Meanwhile, Doubleplus Good Planner of Wars Putin has placed his own, personal Beanie Baby collection up for auction on eBay to anybody willing to pay in rubles, and Russia’s getting kicked out of the G20 the hard way, but maybe, just maybe, Bret Stephens is right, and this monthlong fuckup parade actually masked the master plan of a KGB super genius playing eleventy-fifth-dimensional chess, and the West is playing directly into his hands by providing the arms that’re destroying his military machine in front of the watching world, and taint-punting his cut-rate economy into the fucking sun.

“Yeah, but WHAT IF THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED ALL ALONG?”

Or, what if Bret’s pompous fanfic is the most perfect example to date of the neuron-rotting condition doctors are calling Contrarian Pundit Brain? I’m starting to suspect NYT finds their conservative columnists by wandering into wingnut think thanks and offering the gig to whoever can fit the most nickels up their nose.

I see Kid Kompromat simply cannot stop himself from begging the Butcher of Mariupol for help with his petty, personal, political fixations. Y’know what? Dig up your own goddamn dirt for once, you lazy fuck. You should try doing work, just one time, if only for the novelty.

New studies confirm that, in defiance of the fanatical certainty of the Science Ain’t the Boss of Me crowd, medicine designed to de-worm livestock is precisely as effective against the coronavirus as anyone whose brain hadn’t been devoured by maggots would imagine it to be, which is to say, not fucking at all. Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.

We had a whole-ass national debate about that shit. About ivermectin. People died. Thousands and fucking thousands of ‘em. Because the terrorists win if we (checks notes) listen to doctors during a global health emergency, you see. That’s “populism.” Anti-elitism taken to its mad, suicidal extreme.

YOU CAN HAVE MY COMPLETELY USELESS HORSE MEDICINE WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!!!!!

Ok. Those terms are acceptable.

Science is actually amazing, by the way, y’all don’t know what you’re missing. Why, just this past week, we witnessed a phenomenon so rare, most assumed it was entirely beyond the realm of possibility: Kevin McCarthy actually pushed back on one of the proto-fascists in his feral caucus! It was the political equivalent of giant squid footage, trust me.

No, not for inciting violence or attending white nationalist clambakes, don’t be silly, I’m talking about young Maddy Cawthorn, who baselessly, nefariously accused his GOP colleagues of being fun enough to throw coke orgies.

Young man, the Republican Party may’ve devolved into a tangle of plague rats, snapping at one another in a liposuction clinic dumpster, but by Saint Ronnie’s Pickled Testes, the Eleventh Commandment yet reigns!

Assclown Autogolpe apparatchik John Eastman has been ordered to turn more than 100 emails over to the January 6th commission, because it turns out there’s no attorney-client privilege in criminal conspiracies to overthrow the federal government, or so says some deep state “judge,” anyhow.

Oh, and said commission is thinking about calling in Ginni Thomas, to…I dunno, to ask her what the bees in her head have been whispering lately, perhaps? Somebody on that committee needs to cut to the dang chase and say, “Level with us: what’s the nuttiest thing your SITTING SUPREME COURT JUSTICE husband believes? Is it just QAnon, or are we talkin’ lizard people and Jewish space lasers here? Like, do you two have plans to set JFK Jr. up with somebody’s daughter when he comes back?” The public has a right to know this stuff.

Also, I guess there’s a seven-hour gap in the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s phone records, from the day of the insurrection, like, during the actual Capitol Riot. I’m sure he was just, y’know…praying. Or trying to figure out how the DVR works, so he could preserve the images of his precious, loser white boy mob, to wank to down in Marm-a-Lago.

I tell you what, folks, it is a goddamn regressive feeding frenzy in the red states right now, and with so much blood in the water already, with the attacks on voting rights and reproductive rights, and the bullshit CRT panic, I suppose it was inevitable they’d turn their teeth towards the LGBTQ community sooner or later, but even within the confines of this unwieldy, way-too-long shark metaphor, I’m astonished at the viciousness.

“Grooming.” That’s the old, slanderous trash these shameless fucks are once again tossing around, with unrestrained glee at another successful heist of the ol’ Overton window by the forces of extremism; Jesus, it’s like they’re browsing SPLC links looking for talking points.

Now Ron DeSantis is about a week away from ordering airstrikes on Epcot, and while Marjorie Taylor Greene remains incapable of assembling coherent thoughts, there’s no mistaking the raw bigotry at the heart of her venomous (if nonsensical) attack on Pete Buttigieg.

It’s the stuff that hate crimes are made of. And they know this.

But they keep on feeding this goddamn Q monster, because, well, given recent history, I’ll allow it’s easier than defending their record. Still, whatever its effectiveness as a get-out-the-vote technique of last resort, this policy of mass radicalization keeps causing violence, DUH, and I guess my personal belief is that the American ideal inherently implies an inalienable right to freedom from the homicidal outbursts of emotionally stunted, easily dupable white men. Call me old-fashioned.

But gee whiz, these weirdos are really scrambling to install their kooky new death cult ideology as the official state religion wherever possible.

And I just think y’all should have to formally codify your shit first, because you’re still in that shifting, Weimar Republic sort of place, and the impulse towards lawless hedonism keeps clashing with your deep-seated prudishness in…fairly creepy ways, if we’re honest. Apropos of nothing, here’re some thoughts on parenthood from Rudy Giuliani’s impossibly fucked-up kid.

Holy balls. Give Todd Solondz the Giuliani biopic, right fucking now.

Seriously though, who gets to contribute to the MAGA Bible? Where’re y’all drawing the line? Does Alex Jones get a chapter? Obviously the Big Lie is Commandment #1, so Chris Wallace is out, but will you be locking in Lara Logan’s “evolution is a Rothschild-funded hoax” drivel, or are you holding out for something even batshitter?

Didja see that story about how Off-Brand Orbán casually ripped off the poor White House photographer who’d shown the courtesy to refrain from publishing any candid snaps of the U.S. President leering at his own daughter from behind the Resolute desk? And you know there were tons of those. Anyway, turns out Donald Trump is something of a jerk, who knew?

Quick sidebar: the only aspect of the whole Cult45 thing that legitimately confuses me anymore is that anybody anywhere still trusts this cheapest of crooks, or expects loyalty from him. Ask Rudy Giuliani how that worked out. Ask Michael Cohen. Mo Brooks. Hey, ask Mike Pence.

Ask Ted Cruz, because I guess they don’t teach the snake story at Harvard Law. Hey, not to offer unsolicited advice or anything, but live your life so the Washington Post can never publish a deep dive into your simpering, reputation-shredding servitude to a dwindling fascist thug who publicly insulted both your father and your wife.

Actually, Don’t Be Ted Cruz is a fairly solid mantra, sure to serve you well in many, if not most aspects of the human condition, ranging from vacation planning to beard grooming to citizenship generally.

Now, just because we all saw the Brobdingnagian collapse of Little Donnie Dotard’s pitiful Twitter knockoff coming a mile away doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still point and laugh at his latest humiliating failure. Or at Devin Nunes, who gave up a seat in Congress for this short, sharp ride on the Titanic. Golly, and it seemed like such a sure thing.

Oh hey, ODD YARNS finally arrived from the printer, so if you backed the latest comic Kickstarter, I’ll have your books in the mail NEXT WEEK. It’s in Louis DeJoy’s hands at that point, so…good luck.

Ok, that’s more than enough of this shit, I think. Thanks for reading, stay safe out there, and while you’re always invited to buy me a beer if you enjoyed the post, this week, circumstances force me to ask you to pay in rubles, if at all possible. 

March 26, 2022

Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around? (Ferret)

Y’know, I’ve been writing these posts for five fucking years now. I’m just…I’m really, REALLY ready to live anywhere other than here, at this hellishly inescapable intersection of idiocy and indecency. Someplace with better restaurants and fewer violently angry white dudes. Access to the beach would be nice.

Anyway.

(Obligatory blog link: https://showercapblog.com/remind-me-again-mr-putin-what-happens-when-we-fuck-around/)

Operation: Little Man Vlad Plays War is still going exactly according to plan, assuming the intention was to ensure the world remembers Putin as the single dumbest agent of atrocity in all human history.

The Russian military continues its extremely public deterioration into an impotent pile of roughly-used kitty litter. They’re actually losing ground now, losing officers, and even warships, in addition to the, you know, thousands and thousands of troops. Still, morale seems to be holding up; incidents of Russian soldiers running over their commanders with tanks have largely remained isolated thus far.

Meanwhile, the West just keeps on finding new sanctions in the sofa cushions, while diligently filling Zelensky’s increasingly-specific shopping lists. Oh, and Europe is moving with impressive speed and efficiency* towards a massive decoupling from Russian energy, so I don’t think your adorable little “economy” will even qualify for the G20 in a couple weeks, but it’s certainly amusing that you imagine you can just show up at the meeting with a case of High Life, ready to dazzle Olaf Scholz with your Euphoria takes like nothing happened. Like anyone gives a shit what Dumber Hitler wants the global economy to look like.

In fairness, you’ve been a bit off your game lately, Vlad-o. Now that you’re running out of missiles, (congrats again on that sweet-ass battle plan, bro) I see the best the mighty strongman can muster is feeble whinging that he’s getting “cancelled,” like J.K. Rowling. Wallowing in mewling victimhood, like a third-rate Donald Trump. Ouch.

You’re going out like an absolute bitch, Vlad, and it’s spectacular to behold. I don’t know precisely how far out your Turturro-in-Miller’s Crossing moment is, but I’m ordering pizza that night. Incidentally, little man, superpowers don’t need to beg Belarus for battlefield bailouts.

Speaking of Lukashenko’s pathetic little puppet state, they granted asylum to fugitive January 6th terrorist Evan Neumann, because sometimes history feels the need to tie a few threads together into one great big, fucked up bow. Either to amuse us or drive us insane, I can’t figure out which.

Well, the Ye Gods Look Upon the Fallen State of American Conservatism Pageant, excuse me, “Ketanji Brown Jackson's Supreme Court confirmation hearing,” went more or less exactly how you knew it would…hour upon hour of the cringiest imaginable posturing from the dullest assholes on the planet, as they competed for the affections of an attention span-challenged hate cult.

Master sleuth Josh Hawley uncovered the Democratic Party’s nefarious court-packing plot to elevate the rights of child pornographers above all others. That’s right, Josh, QAnon is 100% real, and the endgame involves putting pedophiles in ultimate charge of just who has to bake whose cakes. Roy Moore is totally down with that plan, by the way. So is Matt Gaetz. And Josh Duggar. And Ruben Verastigui. And Adam Hageman. And Ralph Shortey. But sure, this is a huge problem…for the Left. Sure.

Or, and bear with me, maybe Josh Hawley is an awkwardly stitched together wad of surgically removed colon tumors, intentionally spreading disinformation that’s widely understood to provoke violence, because he’s a fascist working to burn American democracy down in order to piss in the ashes.

As for Hawley’s distinguished Judiciary Committee colleagues…oh, fucking hell, do I really have to catalog all this crap? What is it about a SCOTUS confirmation that makes these clowns waggle their subpar asses at the world so aggressively?

Like, why did Marsha Blackburn feel it necessary to randomly demonstrate her inability to pass a fifth grade social studies test? WHY? What made Lindsey Graham wave his soiled trousers so proudly before the assembled cameras? Why in seven hells did Ted Cruz think Racist Story Time With My Shitty Beard would benefit him in any way? What meth-addled beetle burrowed into Mike Braun’s brain and told him to take an unprompted shot at interracial marriage? What is in the goddamn water over there, kids?

Look, you are creepy old white people in unappealing suits, and you are not attracting the audience you think you are with your Trumpian tantrums. Shit, Tom Cotton’s such a dreary little freak, nothing from his sorry rant managed to even break through. It’s like y’all’re reciting from the Turner Diaries at the top of your lungs at an otherwise empty deli counter. I despise your ideology of hatred, but I’m also embarrassed for you.

Now, despite the all-you-can-dog-whistle buffet presented by a Black woman’s confirmation hearing in the middle of a manufactured panic over “critical race theory,” Republican Senators still can’t get away with being quiiiiiiiiite as openly racist as they might like, but never fear, shitbags, wingnut pundits like Charlie “Didn’t Dick Tracy Fight This Guy” Kirk are NOT shy about picking up the slack.

Ron DeSantis apparently decided there’s no worthier use of a governor’s time or power than rearranging NCAA swimming results in the name of transphobia. While the fanatical devotion to the supremacy of second place is certainly consistent with current Republican dogma, like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Why are you like this?

Still, you keep hearing about how these acts of raw hatred are actually huge political winners for DeSantis. And like, yeah, I get it; the Republican base is primarily motivated by and interested in hurting people, and making them afraid; it’s called ascendant fascism, yo.

“Gee, Cap, aren’t you being a touch unfair? A little harsh?” Hmmmm…say that after you check out the latest bit of fuckery from Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, his barely restrained glee at deploying his shiny new powers to stamp out one individual school district’s Pride Week.

Like…what a senselessly hateful thing to even want to do. I understand we have differing views on what government is for and what it should be allowed to do, but the idea that the state should intentionally harm children because…well, because that’s what bigots want…that’s a really fucked up idea, you guys.

Hell, look at the Ohio Republican Senate Primary, right? It’s been like watching turds knife-fight in a campground outhouse. For fucking weeks. Of COURSE the feral buttholes’ “debate” nearly descended into an oafish brawl, these voters are looking for shitty people willing to do shitty things.

So expect Eric Greitens to gain ground in the polls, now that he faces a fresh round of allegations straight out of a rejected Law & Order: Special Victims Unit script. It’s almost harder to make your way in a GOP primary without an abomination or two on your resume.

Hey House Republicans, I know that enabling wealthy criminals is sort of your thing, but now that Nebraska Congressthug Jeff Fortenberry has been convicted on three federal felony counts, could we maybe strip him of his lawmaking authority sometime soon? I wouldn’t want to interrupt anyone who’s preening for the cameras about how “tough on crime” they are, of course.

Oh, and SPEAKING OF, turns out Mark Meadows’ insurrectionist bride joined him in his clumsy commission of that rarest of crimes: voter fraud! And friends, there is no damn way to plead ignorance here. “Your Honor, I sincerely believed that claiming a random mobile home where I have absolutely never once lived as my official residence was totally legal.” I mean, why wouldn’t it be? I myself am registered to vote at a Denny’s in Phoenix.

America, I ask you…where are the Meadows’ matching LOCK HIM/HER UP chants? Because I’ve been told, for fucking YEARS now, by pious politicians and rage-blind internet commenters alike, that voter fraud must be punished, responsible as it is for the theft of everything that’s pure and good and right about this country, and as many as thirty bald eagle deaths annually.

And with all due respect to the reflexive You Can’t Make Me Believe Anything I Don’t Want To conservative defense mechanism, these two twerps are nailed to the goddamn wall here, because they were too fucking stupid to not get caught. It’s like they tried to rob a bank with a MyPillow or some shit. I’m saying, YOU’RE RIGHT, REPUBLICANS, let us protect the integrity of our elections by prosecuting these crooks to the fullest extent of the law. I’ll give you a ride to the courthouse so we can watch the sentencing together.

Oh, I suppose we shouldn’t move on from Meadows without mentioning his treasonously batshit text exchanges with Ginni Thomas during the period of the Attempted Assclown Autogolpe. I mean, not a huge deal or anything, just the CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and the wife of a Supreme Court Justice tossing Sydney Powell’s Q-sodden ravings around to justify their criminal conspiracy to steal the federal government from the American people, in the name of their malformed, mediocre, white nationalist god. Normal, healthy shit from a smoothly-functioning modern democracy.

Oh man, the sad, shabby, loser slap fight between Donald Trump and Mo Brooks! Jeeeeezus. Loser un-endorses other loser, accomplishing little beyond shining a white-hot spotlight on both losers’ rapidly-vanishing clout. Even for such human urinal cakes, it’s almost too mortifying to watch, like some John Waters-directed survivalist game show.

Mo, you traitorous taintwart, you knew he was a snake when you incited a terrorist mob to attack Congress in his name, so expect no tears over this reversal of fortune, though if you’re in the mood for a little payback, I don’t imagine the January 6th commission is difficult to reach. Oh, and Donnie? The loserstink is coming from YOU, dawg.

The Deposed Dotard must be going stir-crazy, pacing around Marm-a-Lago, watching his endorsement lose value faster than the ruble, which explains why he’s lobbed another doomed nuisance lawsuit at Hillary Clinton n’ friends. There must be something sadomasochistically comforting about the dependable ritual of humiliating legal defeat, right? I mean…apparently.

Look, Alaska, go ahead and replace newly departed Congressman Don Young with Sarah Palin if you really think she’s the best available option, just don’t be surprised when your state breaks off the continent and drifts away. Looney Tunes decisions, Looney Tunes results.

Well, speaking only for myself, I need to tear myself away from the news now, before my brain runs screaming from my skull, so I’m going to set my tablet down in favor of a craft beer tasting I hope will last through the weekend. Hey, if you backed the ODD YARNS Kickstarter, be on the lookout for an exciting update within the next week or so…either way, stay safe out there, folks.

*You know, those things your army doesn’t have. 

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