TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalLittle Traitor Boy, Here Comes Omicron, & Other Death Cult Xmas Carols (Ferret/Shower Cap)
So certain is Santa’s naughty verdict, I doubt America even bothered leaving a stocking out this year. Though down in Texas, under Greg Abbott’s Freedom Grid, I’m told they frankly could use the coal.
(As ever, nifty nooz links and the shiniest colors around await you at this link: https://showercapblog.com/little-traitor-boy-here-comes-omicron-other-death-cult-xmas-carols/)
Yes, I offer season’s greetings from 21st-century America, a not-at-all-dystopian society in which absolutely zero public school teachers participate in dehumanizing debasement rituals presented as entertainment for the masses, least of all in the great and prosperous state of Noemistan. Everything’s fine, and to imply otherwise is disloyal. (Winston, kindly purge this paragraph from the official record.)
If anything, you should congratulate our thriving, super-healthy culture on its brand-new holiday: enjoy SCHOOL SHOOTING DAY, brought to you by TikTok! Commemorate the omnipresent dread of raising a child in a society that prioritizes the weapon-accumulating rights of would-be mass murderers over your offspring’s physical and psychological safety!
(Me, I think this is just another cynical ploy by the greeting card industry, to juice sales of their increasingly popular, “Sympathy to your family for enduring this once unimaginable, now fairly commonplace horror” line. Won’t be long until they need a whole aisle at the grocery store: so sorry your son/daughter/sister/brother/friend/mom/dad/nephew/French teacher got shot to death by a disturbed teenager/possessive ex-lover/white nationalist terrorist/random guy having a bad day.)
Anyway, don’t take off your celebratin’ pants just yet, cuz the USA absolutely strutted past that 800,000 Covid deaths line, miles ahead of any other nation on Earth! Mind you, that’s with our new buddy, Omicron, only just starting to size up the buffet.
And, predictably, Red America offers itself up to the ravenous new variant eagerly, almost politely, like a little cake that says Eat Me.
What do you even do with these people anymore? You suggest self-preservation, and they get SO MAD. “I have a Constitutional right to harm myself, and to harm those around me, based on the misconceptions of reality I get from wasting my entire life watching liars on television,” and no, that’s not actually true, but you’re wrong about so many things, I don’t know where to start; anyhoo, guess it’s time for another wave of MAGA madness to crash down upon our poor, battered hospitals.
(Hey, get your booster shot, by the way…y’all are already on top of that, right?)
While we’re on the pandemic, a new report from the House says the Trump Administration undermined the nation’s coronavirus response ON FUCKING PURPOSE, and I have to ask, like…are there supply chain issues in the pitchfork and torch industries? Both at the same time? Do we still get mad when somebody kills tens of thousands of us, or are we all just teetering piles of boiled frog meat by now?
As we reflect upon the wretched, piss-stained, pretty-sure-there-were-fire-ants-for-a-couple-weeks year that was 2021, I have to say, I think I’ll remember it mostly as the year the GOP Kissed an Attempted Fascist Coup (And They Liked It).
It’s that parenthetical bit that’s been poking me in the eye lately…the latest news from the January 6th commission has us looking back to that brief moment in time when even some fairly Trumpy Republicans understood that things had gotten out of hand, and said so; and it looked like we could come together again, which is what we used to do when the homeland got attacked by terrorists. And maybe we could all agree to take the off-ramp that so graciously presented itself, and get back to making our own mistakes instead of repeating history’s.
That moment was…awfully dang brief.
You look at the GOP now, and they’re basically operating as Donald Trump without the attention-grabbing clown makeup; all the same tactics, all the same goals, but generating much less outrage and therefore much less pushback.
It’s all proceeding with the efficiency the Koch crew has come to expect from their outrage-farming efforts. Cult45’s most fervent missionaries are already taking over local election infrastructure wherever possible. Shit, you can’t even run for Governor of Minnesota on the Republican ticket without genuflecting to the Big Lie…this isn’t goons on a deadline stumbling around, stepping on every possible rake anymore; it’s more organized every single day; these creeps’re choosing this adventure deliberately and consistently.
And we should be honest about that! Because Mark Meadows’ texts, and his e-mails, y’all…I mean, we’re talking about the chief coordinating officer for a massive criminal conspiracy to end constitutional democracy in the United States based on something Louie Gohmert saw on the internet; the contents of this treacherous clown’s phone were gonna generate some headlines, but…fuck, why is it always even worse than I was expecting? Because I was already expecting “idiot Nazi crime spree,” okay?
It’s like cracking open the chest of a lifelong smoker, and yeah, you find the ruined lungs, but there’s also a brown, oily, mass of maggots where the heart should be. This is also a handy metaphor for the American Right generally.
For example, turns out no less than SIX sitting U.S. Congressmen actively collaborated with the Trump White House’s (lest we forget) fascist coup attempt. Pretty cool that these documented enemies of American democracy get to retain their full legislating powers, isn’t it? Like, outside of “No one gets to be in charge but us,” what other laws do you think we should have, Mr. Jordan?
That’s to say nothing of Meadows’ private assurances, on January 5th, that come the day of the deed, the National Guard would stand ready to enter the fray…but only on one side. Chilling. Y’know, I never get called by pollsters, but if anybody ever asked me about Mark, I do believe I’d be tempted to go so far as to strongly disapprove.
And then there’re the texts with the haughty propagandists of Fox News, providing valuable insight into the sensation of pure, uncut, Mary Shelley clarity one experiences at the precise moment puppeteering a President stops being fun.
Hannity, Ingraham and Kilmeade, name a more iconic three-mouthed rectum, I’ll wait. Probably less than ideal that these were the folks conversing with the White House Chief of Staff during a terrorist attack on Congress, but hey, it took a whole bunch of zany misadventures to get us to January 6th in the first place.
Anyway, they’ve all once again been revealed as cheap, lying grifters, not that anyone in their audience will notice. These bastards take their indoctrination seriously, and it shows; you can’t get folks to swallow a steady diet of shit and nothing but shit with just parsley sprigs and sleight of hand, y’know; you have to reach deep inside that ol’ cranium, and rip out some wiring. Otherwise, when the curtain gets yanked back like this, and the rubes get such a clear look at the con, and the sneering disdain in which they’re held, they might ask for something else to eat.
But no, they’re gonna line up same time tomorrow for a fresh bowl of shit and a clean spoon. You almost have to admire the craftsmanship of the disinformation-dispensing apparatus.
Speaking of, I see Chris Wallace decided to sneak out the back door at Fux before the War on Xmas turns hot and the office party starts incorporating live sacrifices of the unfaithful. Probably wise.
Wallace’s successor as the network’s last, flagging voice of reason begging the mob to maintain some small shred of sanity and/or decency will be…what, Geraldo? Fucking GERALDO? Well, I’m sure he’s up to it.
Down in The Villages, they’re too old and rich to handle cop-bludgeoning duties on the front lines, but they’re every bit as dumb and disloyal as any Proud Boy. No doubt hoping to pull their own weight in the struggle to eradicate democracy, a trio of golf cart insurrectionists instead received a fun lil’ lesson on just how efficiently existing laws deal with the handful of asshats dumb enough to actually attempt voter fraud.
While it was previously reported that the RNC would submissively take on Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s personal legal bills, we’ve now learned the precise extent of the cucking; it’s $1.6 million these hopeless chumps have committed, plus Reince Priebus has to deliver the check in person every month, at which time he is forced to chug a sneakerful of Eric’s urine in front of the whole family.
So, I see the same piece of shit who once proclaimed the Jews-will-not-replace-us-screechers of the world to be “very fine people” yet again casually vomited up an anti-Semitic diatribe indistinguishable from the background chatter at Richard Spencer’s board game night; weird how that kind of stuff keeps happening, especially with institutional racism being so fake and all.
Still, like most white supremacists, the Deposed Dotard mostly just careens from failure to failure. He lost another big’n in court this week, those precious tax returns won’t remain secret much longer. Plus, he’s such a big fancy kingmaker man now that they’re writing whole articles mocking his impotent attempts to dethrone Mitch McConnell. Shit, the sloppy old has-been STILL can’t manage a layup as easy as an Alabama Senate primary. To me, this is exactly why you don’t build your cult of personality around an enormous loser, but hey…tastes vary.
All that said, owing to the holiday season and my desperate need to drain the poison from my brain, I will be taking next week OFF from this blog. I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve, no doubt rejuvenated, and armed with new, cutting-edge poop jokes.
Anyway, I gotta go; Bannon’s stuck in my chimney; he’s threatening to breathe on the yuletide fire, and I fear the gin fumes would set the entire neighborhood ablaze. Stay safe out there, please enjoy the seasonal rituals of your choosing, secular or otherwise.
I Know of No Reason Why the PowerPoint Treason Should Ever Be Forgot (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I’ve decided to adjust my attitude about this whole Fall-of-Rome thing we’ve got going on in America; I’m just gonna rub it in young folks’ faces, all the rights and privileges I had when I was their age. “Oh yeah, it was fuckin’ fantastic, you could tell the truth about history…shit, if the government botched a pandemic response, killing hundreds of thousands of people and crashing the economy in the process, you were allowed to replace ‘em with a whole ‘nother government, it was pretty nifty!” And then they’ll cry all the way to work in the Amazon mines.
(Shiniest of colors and niftiest of news links await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/i-know-of-no-reason-why-the-powerpoint-treason-should-ever-be-forgot/)
Well, thanks to New Hampshire Republicans, you can officially scratch “McCarthyite loyalty oaths” off your Happening Here bingo card. If these thought police thugs get their way, you’ll have to pledge allegiance to the intentional, whitewashed indoctrination of children if you want to hold a job as a teacher in the Granite State.
Meanwhile, Texas school districts are vigorously purging hundreds of books from public school libraries, which is sinister and terrifying, yes, but also, like…do y’all really imagine you’re going to trick folks into believing bigotry is a liberal hoax, when the entire fucking purpose of the Republican Party (beyond cutting the mega-wealthy’s taxes, of course) is the preservation of white political dominance at any cost? Like, “Wow, those old white dudes keep stripping minorities of their voting rights, I wonder what that’s all about? I can confidently rule out institutional racism, since all reality was surely contained within the confines of my middle school library, which is also why pornography doesn’t exist.”
Incidentally, I see Governor Tate Reeves is absolutely horny for Anti Choicey Barrett and her gang of manic theocrats to formally end Roe v. Wade so he can finally align women’s rights in Mississippi neatly with his third-world coronavirus response…or he would be, anyway, if demonically enchanted Cabbage Patch dolls possessed genitals capable of arousal. Shit, maybe they do. Somebody should check. Um…not it.
So, the big new trend in wingnut Congressjag circles is rubbing salt in the Oxford High School community’s extremely fresh wounds, by snickeringly spreading shitty little Xmas cards, depicting their heavily-armed, terror-cell-waiting-for-activation spawn, because the “family values” crew is all about mocking the mourning and trolling the traumatized these days. Y’know, these spiteful freaks only attain MAGA stardom in the first place through indecent behavior, up to and including harming, or even killing people, (see Rittenhouse, Kyle) in case anybody’s wondering where all this is heading.
Well, it’s lookin’ like SHITSACK CIVIL WAR in Georgia, where insider-trading plutocrat David Perdue announced a primary challenge to the incumbent Republican Governor, vote-suppressing autocrat Brian Kemp. The only issues at stake here are perceived loyalty to a fascist game show host, and whether or not it’s worth the trouble of formally crafting framework to legally disenfranchise minorities, such is the state of the discourse in the Grand Old White Nationalist Death Cult.
Kemp can point to the six county election boards the state GOP has taken over, replacing local Black Democrats with apostles of the Big Lie, as proof that his bureaucratic approach to institutionalizing white supremacy works just fine, but it’s clear there’s a constituency that longs for a return to the days of burning crosses and hooded terror. It ain’t Aunt Bee’s chicken casserole these folks’re nostalgic for, y’know.
Off-Brand Orbán once again casually confessed to firing Jim “The Man Who Fucked Up the Entire Course of Human History” Comey because he’s a great, big, fat, fucking criminal who feared justice, and desperately wanted to obstruct it. We can skip to the sentencing phase any time now, is all I’m saying.
And I see Devin Nunes, deprived by redistricting of his traitor-friendly personal electorate, decided to take his war on democracy, decency, and competency to the private sector, retiring from Congress to run the Velveeta Vulgarian’s social media startup. Now, the company is already under investigation, because fucking of course it is, but I think the feds should step back and let nature take its course here, because when the business genius who somehow figured out a way to lose money in the casino industry teams up with the treacherous clod who lost a lawsuit to an internet cow, you’re gonna see failure on a goddamn cosmic scale, folks. It’ll be like a Tom Waits song about the Washington Generals getting hooked on meth.
Speaking of the clump of septic mediocrity comprising Hairplug Himmler’s inner circle, it appears Mark Meadows received the telltale tug on the leash from those tiny, inadequate hands, and thus withdrew his previous agreement to cooperate with the January 6th commission, though not before sharing the Assclown Autogolpe’s actual POWERPOINT PRESENTATION outlining the (stupid, stupid) plan to end American democracy, which is what pops up now if you say, “Siri, show me the banality of evil” into your iPhone.
It’d be nice if the media would pay more attention to this shit, but I understand Kamala Harris, that pot-purchasing jezebel, is now in the midst of a fresh, new, earbud scandal. America was pretty cool, while it lasted.
For decades to come, Real Muricans’ eyes will well up with petulant tears as they recollect, in intimate detail, precisely where they were and what they were doing when some homeless guy set the Fux Nooz Xmas tree on fire*. The network’s stable of snarling propagandists took a break from normalizing and/or inciting right wing violence to wail and moan and beat their breasts over this dastardly attack on the gaudy, hollow self-worship they so cynically peddle as patriotism.
And yes, you should absolutely dust off your old compare/contrast skills from high school English class to analyze the difference between Fux’s coverage of this bunless nothingburger to their yearlong, nigh-ritualistic minimization of the Capitol Riot, if only to understand how the greatest democracy in human history found itself on the precipice of committing suicide-by-overindulged-idiocy.
Anyway, if you’re struggling with the holiday shopping for your radicalized relatives, you can never go wrong offering up some fresh excuse to wallow around in the soothing sty of sweet, sweet victimhood. And don’t bother about believability or logical consistency; just tell ‘em you saw the CEO of Whirlpool criticize Trump on Maddow the other night, and kick back with a beer while they take a sledgehammer to their own dryer.
Celebrity child molester/close, personal friend to the Huckabee family Josh Duggar was convicted on two child pornography counts, so for a couple decades anyway, Republican politicians will have to visit him in prison to get those photo ops they’re all so fond of.
Well, it’s been a few weeks since anybody paid any attention to his fool ass, so Ron Johnson waddled out onstage just long enough to claim that…fuck, I’m getting exhausted just typing this…that mouthwash kills the coronavirus, which of course it does not do, and I don’t think I’m unreasonable in believing this doofus should take himself a little hiatus from writing laws the rest of us have to obey until he works out how to vet information on the internet as well as a 5th grader. There’s a one hundred percent chance that RoJo has leaked classified information to at least one catfishing Ashley Madison account, by the way.
On a certain level, expecting the Deposed Dotard to pay attention to a single legal defeat amidst a lifetime of judicial drubbings is like asking a sandwich artist to recollect one particular meatball sub, but this latest setback likely stings a bit extra, since a federal appeals court ruled he’s not allowed to hide presidential records pertaining to the Stoopid Coo from the January 6th commission in those ridiculous balloon pants of his. Better call Saul, you weaselly little turd.
So, GOOD NEWS, the Kickstarter for my newest comic book, ODD YARNS, is over, and we funded successfully! I cannot thank y’all enough for supporting these projects, making comics has been life-changing for me, and in a positive way, not a hey-look-at-all-the-fascists-getting-elected way.
Anyway, after three Kickstarters in a little more than a year, I finally get to STOP ASKING Y’ALL FOR MONEY for the foreseeable future, won’t that be nice? If you did pledge to ODD YARNS, rewards surveys went out today, so check the ol’ junk folder if you don’t see the e-mail in your regular inbox. And if you didn’t pledge, may the guilt consume you until the next time I’m selling something.
Kidding**.
Well, I’d say we’ve all earned our weekend after enduring that shitstorm. Stay safe out there, friends, I don’t think it’s gonna let up any time soon…
*I myself was shitting out the undigested portions of the previous evening’s Hungry Man Dinner.
**Not kidding. At all. Not even a little.
America: If the Quack Doctors Don't Get Ya, the Heavily Armed Teenagers Will (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I don’t say it enough, at least not directly, but boy howdy, I am gettin’ mighty tired of assholes ruining everything. Look, I understand there are always gonna be assholes, that’s unavoidable, but maybe we should stop putting them in charge of shit, on account of the way they ruin everything? Just a thought. Anyway, here are a bunch of stories about assholes ruining everything:
(As ever, get this post in living color, with all kindsa news links, here: https://showercapblog.com/america-if-the-quack-doctors-dont-get-ya-the-heavily-armed-teenagers-will/)
From the highest halls of power to the authenticest Appalachian diner, Republicans are hopping mad that Democrats insist on battling the pandemic, in violation of the sacred right to own the libs by catching, spreading, and dying from a largely preventable disease.
A particularly nihilistic wing of the Senate Republican Conference actually tried to shut the whole frickin’ government down in an attempt to force the Biden Administration to abandon necessary, effective public health measures, and I confess I’m more perplexed than ever at the current state of the generic congressional ballot…call me naive, I just figured “don’t vote for folks that’re actively attempting to kill you” was a universally agreed upon principle.
Also, in the name of freedom from the tyranny of (checks notes) protecting human life, the rural community of Oroville, California (population: 20,000*) proclaimed itself the Legally Seceded Confederate Republic of You’re Not the Boss of Me, Libtard, which is not something you can actually do, but hey, LARPing sure looks fun.
Meanwhile, no doubt sensing the opportunity to swap another couple hundred thousand of their constituents’ lives for a fresh hit to Biden’s approval rating, the GOP is rolling out the red carpet for the shiny new Omicron variant; shit, they’re practically throwing the goddamn thing a cotillion.
Texas Congressjag Ronny Jackson led the charge, swiftly proclaiming Omicron to be a Democrat hoax. This nasty little bit of disinformation, bellowed as it was from atop a mass grave already nearly 800,000 corpses high, was actually even more insidious than it initially appeared, because while Ronny is known primarily as a liar, a drunk, and a drug dealer, he technically is a doctor.
…which is more than can be said of Rand Paul, who nevertheless persists in his ridiculous, self-owning feud with Dr. Anthony Fauci (and objective reality). Rand wants to send America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist to federal prison for the crime of adhering to the findings of science, rather than caving to the widely-debunked conspiracy theories emanating from the lump of rancid yogurt swarming with meth-sodden flies occupying the space between Senator Paul’s ears.
(No doubt wild-eyed Fux Nooz host Lara Logan would go even further, since apparently FAUCI = MENGELE on her planet. When Lara isn’t spreading lies from her Murdoch-provided platform, she enjoys recreationally feuding with the Auschwitz Memorial on Twitter, which is extremely normal behavior.)
Anyway, Rand may soon head up his very own Pompous Quack Caucus, if Dr. Oz can only convince the voters of Pennsylvania to elect a sociopath who lives in New Jersey to represent them in the United States Senate. Oz describes himself as a “moderate Republican,” because while he’s spread his share of disinformation over the years, he’s never marched alongside tiki-torch-bearing white nationalists, which, shit, may well make him TOO “moderate” for the GOP primary electorate, if the outhouse knife fight in neighboring Ohio is any indication.
South Carolina Congressdolt Nancy Mace’s wacky week certainly supports this theory. Mace initially made national headlines belching up anti-vax talking points on Fux, but still soon found herself in a screeching match with CrossFash loon Marjorie Taylor Greene, over caucusmate Lauren Boebert’s unrepentant Islamophobia.
Minority Leader McCarthy handled the intraparty scuffle with his trademark groveling weakness, begging Greene to knock it off, but ultimately proving incapable of mustering the slightest sputtering “hey, quit it” when she marched straight out of his office to tell a reporter she wanted to see Mace ousted in a primary, for insufficient bigotry. The Vainglorious MTG may be a QAnon-spreading fuckwit who believes in Jewish space lasers, but when she defiantly snarls that it’s idiot hate-mongers like herself and Boebert who constitute the GOP “base,” well…something something stopped clocks.
Ol’ Keville Chamberlain did manage to indignantly demand the world accept the apology Boebert categorically refused to make, because while he’s merely useless on his good days, rather than actively harmful, he hasn’t actually had a good day in years. Somebody should remind McCarthy, the last Republican to successfully halt the advance of the Gosar/Boebert/Greene wing of the conservative movement was Dwight D. Eisenhower.
While we shouldn’t allow it to detract from our pleasure in pointing and laughing at his humiliation, the epic failure of former New Jersey Governor/cheapest of all possible thugs Chris Christie’s new book might not be the best news…ideally, his relatively light, “hey, how ‘bout we think about kinda sorta moving on from insurrection guy” message would find a larger audience amongst Republicans than the mere 2,289 copies (YIKES) he managed to move would seem to indicate. On the other hand, fuck Chris Christie. (Lookit me, viewing the issue from both sides, like a regular Chuck Todd.)
So, a couple of Trump-loving gun-humpers figured there was no better Xmas present for their shitty, obviously disturbed kid than a fucking SEMIAUTOMATIC HANDGUN, and surprise, surprise, a few more of America’s children wound up exercising their Second Amendment right to get murdered in school.
The Crumbleys’ other innovative parenting techniques included literally laughing off the most terrifyingly obvious red flags I’ve ever fucking seen, concealing potentially life-saving information from school officials, and going on the lam, leaving their dirtbag son to rot in jail, once they learned their enabling asses would be charged with manslaughter. Anyway, rather than changing any of our insane gun laws, let’s just take this opportunity to preemptively lob meaningless, insincere thoughts n’ prayers at the victims of the next, oh, shall we say, 30 school shootings? We’re all busy people, is all I’m saying.
Several of the nation’s most prominent legal minds tragically drowned making arguments before the new, Anti-Choicey-Barrett-infused wingnut SCOTUS majority, who were unable to contain their tidal wave of salivation now that the opportunity to obliterate reproductive rights finally, FINALLY dropped into their shitty theocrat laps.
Susan Collins expressed concern…that she’d be held responsible for her (indispensable) role in installing this extremist sect on the bench in the first place, particularly that famous, mega-condescending, Look, the Drunken Serial Sexual Assaulter Says He’ll Respect Precedent Once We Grant Him Power Beyond Account and That’s That lecture. You wrote your own legacy, Senator Collins, the rest of us are just reporting it.
Now that his attempt to overthrow the U.S. government has flopped, (shouldn’t have harnessed your fortunes to the fella who couldn’t figure out how to make money in the casino business, brah) Jeffrey Clark plans to plead the Fifth before the January 6th commission, which is fairly irritating, yes, but…I mean, I get it. If I were Jeffrey Clark, I’d be taking advantage of every available protection against self-incrimination, and offering suggestions for new ones. Of course, if I were Jeffrey Clark, I’d live in a dumpster, because I’d be trash, so going to Capitol Hill for a chat would be a refreshing change of pace.
Excavations of the wreckage of the Turd Reich continue to yield fresh horrors, reeking of indecency, criminality, and overcooked steak farts. For example, turns out Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot flunked a Covid test a few days before the first presidential debate, an inconvenient detail he neglected to mention to those whose life he endangered with his mere presence, including a certain gentleman from Scranton who was kicking his ass rather definitively in the polling at the time. Fortunately, Wee Donnie Dotard proved no more competent at biological warfare than he was at electoral politics, pandemic management, or umbrella closing.
(That lil’ tidbit came from Mark Meadows’ new book, which Meadows himself now labels “fake news,” in what the Guinness Book of World Records calls, “the most craven bit of human behavior in all of space and time.” Look out, Senator Graham, Mark’s clearly angling for your post as Prime Cuck, and with it, the prized spot at the foot of the bed.)
Also, it appears the Adderall-Addled Assclown simply stopped accepting his daily classified intelligence briefings after that surprise party he threw for his Vice President on January 6th, likely because he was just too dang busy actively colluding with the wad of treacherous shitweasels at the Willard hotel to worry about petty stuff, like protecting the American public from those who would do us harm. I mean, at the very least, keep an eye on what the competition’s up to, right?
Ron DeSantis feels he’s done such a good job feeding Floridians to the Republican Death God that he deserves a treat: his own personal, private civilian military force, no doubt to be recruited from that pool of former law enforcement types who chose angry internet gibberish over health and employment. What could go wrong?**
Well, friends, it’s the final few days of the ODD YARNS Kickstarter, so pledge now or accept the inevitable lifetime of regret that comes with missing out on the niftiest comic book ever scripted by a political blogger in a luchador mask.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns
This is gonna be the last one for a while, as I retreat to the Shower Cave to work on some exciting, longer projects in 2022, so if you’re looking to support this humble poo joke blog, now’s the time to strike. If you enjoy what I do here, click on over to the Kickstarter page real quick, check out our book, and chip in if you dig what you see. Don’t miss out on the special rewards tiers for blog fans, by the way.
*Until Omicron shows up, anyhow.
**This is actually your homework assignment for the weekend. No less than 10,000 words, have it on my desk by Monday morning***.
***Bribes accepted****.
****IPAs preferred.
Sure, the Right is Deifying a Kid For Killing Two Human Beings...But Kamala Harris Bought a Pot
I am ridiculously, insanely, unhealthily, eye-twitchingly thankful for this holiday-shortened week, and the proportionate reduction in wingnut fuckery it brought. Anyway, I’ve got a can-shaped, vodka-infused blob of cranberry sauce waiting for me, so let’s get through this shit as quickly as possible, okay?
(Let us give thanks for the nifty nooz links and bright, shiny colors available here: https://showercapblog.com/sure-the-right-is-deifying-a-kid-for-killing-two-human-beingsbut-kamala-harris-bought-a-pot/)
Actually, things’ve been more or less normal in Amerikkka of late; Lauren Boebert is still, as Adam Kinzinger so astutely observes, racist trash, and John F. Kennedy Jr. remains snugly ensconced in the afterlife, despite the goalpost-shifting certainty of the dumbest motherfuckers alive.
Wet, sloppy congratulations go out to the United States of America, for joining the distressingly non-exclusive club of BACKSLIDING DEMOCRACIES! Sure, we’re losing rights and sacrificing prosperity, but just look at all the coronavirus deaths we got in exchange! Honestly, who even wants to be a shining city on a hill when you can be an overflowing golden toilet in an idiot game show host’s tacky-ass golf resort instead?
Further felicitations to Petulantly Unvaccinated Conservative ‘Murica on the shiny new Covid variant even now making its way to a Klan rally near you, and all the ensuing lib-owning/ICU-swamping/gramma-killing opportunities that lie ahead in 2022. Don’t worry though, if you just chant “let’s go Brandon” at Omicron, the virus’ll be so impressed, it’ll pass right over, promise.
Now that we’re well into holiday season, you may find yourself preoccupied with calorie counting and expanding waistlines and such…allow me to offer a solution. Not a particularly healthy or enjoyable one, but a solution nonetheless; there’s certainly no more effective purging inducer than Kyle Rittenhouse’s unseemly I Got Away With Murder (And So Can You!) media tour.
Can’t imagine anyone’s surprised to find Tucker Carlson twirling his shitty baton at the head of this malevolent parade; between the softball prime time interview and the surprise documentary crew, Fish Stix Hitler certainly pulled out all the stops in his scumfuck quest to canonize white supremacy’s celebrity child soldier as the patron saint of murder in the name of faux victimhood.
There, see? Now that Thanksgiving dinner is safely splattered all over the floor/your playfully tacky Xmas sweater, you can craft yourself a guilt-free sammich from any available leftovers before finishing this post…you may want to keep a bucket handy, though.
Naturally, young Kyle’s successful evasion of justice earned him an audience with Government Cheese Goebbels himself, and Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to give the little creep the Congressional Gold Medal, but hey, I’m sure it’s only the healthiest of democracies that feature so many prominent politicians and pundits openly glorifying the slaughter of political opponents…right?
Of course, J.D. Vance couldn’t allow boyish brownshirt Josh Mandel to outflank him from the right on the issue of Gunning Liberals Down in the Street, and while I was far from a Tim Ryan fan during the 2020 Democratic presidential primary, the Ohio GOP’s fashier-than-thou Senate contest has me appreciating Tim’s dreamy eyes, strong jawline, and super-sexxxy absence of authoritarian tendencies a little more every day.
Well, should you find yourself concerned/worried/petrified with terror at the implications of Ohio’s MAGA mud-wrestling spectacle, at least take some comfort that far-right Pennsylvania Senate candidate Sean Parnell dropped out of the race after losing custody of his children over allegations of violence, reducing the number of Ex-President-Taintfungus-endorsed domestic abusers seeking election to the upper chamber by one, though not, of course, to zero; this is the Republican Party, after all.
Oh, also, since this is Hell, now quack extraordinaire Dr. Oz wants the Pennsylvania Senate gig, no doubt sensing an opening in this batshit era when the fevered screechings of the anti-science death cultist hold so much sway. What, was the demon semen lady not available?
Well, the RNC is still paying the Deposed Dotard’s personal legal bills, and hey, if you sincerely believe that quivering submissiveness is a desirable leadership trait, you probably should vote Republican. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths, a crotch-stomped economy, and an increasingly violent authoritarian movement, dedicated to subverting, and eventually ending American democracy?
I see Aaron Rodgers, fresh off his “Too Dumb to Not Catch Covid” Covid diagnosis, publicly stated he had “Covid toe,” only to throw a sad, sorry, little shitfit when the Wall Street Journal reported he had Covid toe, demonstrating deft mastery of the whinging, victimhood-manufacturing histrionics that seem to be the sole reason any American conservative even bothers getting out of bed anymore. The Rodgers/Rittenhouse 2024 Wisconsin Senate primary is gonna be a show, folks.
While the shitstorm generally shows few signs of abating, this week actually offered plenty to be thankful for. No doubt a certain skeevy pair of democracy-assaulting, pro-Trump “attorneys” are walking funny tonight, after the $180,000 spanking administered by the very court they sought so cynically to abuse; but perhaps they’re counting their blessings, looking at the $25 million bill dropped in the How Exactly Did This Flock of Puckered Buttholes Ever Imagine They’d Be Difficult to Replace? Charlottesville rally organizers’ subpar white boy laps. I’m thankful for sweet, sweet CONSEQUENCES, is what I’m trying to say here.
You’re probably engorged with gratitude after that last paragraph, but tough shit, you’re going back for another helping, and you’re not excused from the table until you clean your plate, because the Biden/Harris/Pelosi/Schumer/You/Me/Every Dem Everywhere machine is firing on all cylinders, working out the kinks in the supply chain, even as new unemployment claims drop to a 52-year low, not too shabby, huh? And that’s with trillions of dollars worth of progressive goodness still yet to hit our weary, battered economy, mind you.
And hey, white supremacist vigilantism actually took an L in court this week, that was pleasantly non-appalling for a change, wasn’t it?
Quick confession: I am a willing, indeed joyous participant in the lamestream liberal media’s cover-up of the greatest political scandal of the 21st century: Kamala Harris spending some of her money on a pot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my Soros-funded private jet to my Soros-funded mansion in the Hamptons.
Before I sign off, forgive a little corniness on my part, as I express my gratitude for all y’all; strange as it may seem, drafting meandering, scatological rants on a regular basis has been nothing but beneficial to me…your kind feedback and support over the years have helped me overcome lifelong confidence issues, (my therapist thanks you) and enabled me to finally pursue my dream of writing comic books, so from the bottom of my drunken, masked-n-bathrobed heart…I thank you.
ON THAT NOTE, yeah, I’ve got a comic book Kickstarter that’s live for a couple more weeks, and we’re lagging a bit behind previous projects, so I’d be even more grateful if you’d check us out and consider making a pledge. (Make note of those upper rewards tiers, by the way; if you’ve ever wanted somebody to tell your Republican Congressjag what a turd-munching fuckhead he is, now’s your chance!) ODD YARNS is fun as hell, and I’d really love to share it with as many folks as possible.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns
Oh, and for backers of my previous comic, MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, the shipment has FINALLY been unloaded from the dang boat, so I should have it within the next couple of weeks, which means I can hopefully get your books mailed out relatively soon. I’m sending out updates through Kickstarter, so be on the lookout.
Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Stay safe out there, see ya soon!
Just in Time for Thanksgiving, a Cornucopia of Buttholes (Ferret)
Forgive me if I’m off my game tonight, it’s been a dark, ugly, infuriating day. I’d love to focus on the good news, like the recently-enacted bipartisan infrastructure bill, or the House passing the Build Back Better Act, but the sheer, institutionalized efficiency with which the modern American right shepherds the nation’s shittiest white boys from radicalization to terrorism to escaping justice…all I’m saying is, expect typos; I have vomited in disgust upon my keyboard several times already.
(Links? Shiny colors? You got it: https://showercapblog.com/just-in-time-for-thanksgiving-a-cornucopia-of-buttholes/)
Anyway, the two parties are basically the same, only one builds bridges and helps folks get health care while the other diligently crafts a system where the killers their politicians and pundits incite with toxic rhetoric need not face legal consequences for ending human lives. (The one with the donkey is the non-murdery one.)
Hey, look! Disgraced Erdoğan puppet Michael Flynn believes every American should be forced to kneel before the same “god” that’s guided him through his misspent life of crime, hatred, treason, and humiliation, and at the risk of editorializing, um, fuck that. Boy, these skeevy little fucks have all sortsa skeevy little plans for the post-Constitution world they dream of, don’t they?
New documents from the CDC reveal the extraordinary lengths the Turdmaggot Administration took to actively obstruct the public health response to the Covid-19 outbreak, and I confess, I’m a tad confused; how the FUCK are we not, as one united nation, demanding Off-Brand Orbán be thrown down a fucking well in punishment for the thousands upon thousands of unnecessary deaths he caused?
Ok, I’ll be honest, I’m not confused. At all. I lied. I understand perfectly well; thing is, millions of Americans are only too happy to swap millions of jobs, billions in economic carnage, and even hundreds of thousands of their countrymen’s lives for the tacit permission to do what Kyle Rittenhouse did, and that’s what the Deposed Dotard offers.
Sleep tight.
Hey kids, if you’re not 18 years of age, I’m gonna need you to get your parents’ permission before proceeding through this paragraph, because the spectacle of engorged ragetick Alex Jones begging his audience for money to keep his shitgeyser disinformation empire afloat is positively pornographic in our justice-starved world.
(By the way, go ahead and wire him those funds, you rubes; the money’ll only wind up with the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for years. Consider it an asshole tax.)
Significantly less arousing is Steve Bannon’s herky-jerky slither/strut down the MAGA martyrdom runway. Personally, I prefer my “revolutionaries” a little less hateful/evil/oozing-with-pus, but tastes vary.
I guess Laura Ingraham now fancies herself some sort of comedian, but even Fox’s generally-successful gaslighting operation has its limits.
So, Congressional Republicans oppose health care, and infrastructure, and childcare, and education, and voting rights, and free speech, and combating climate change…so what’re they FOR? Not much, honestly…outside of preserving their own right to call for their colleagues’ murder, of course.
Yes, in the aftermath of the Gosar censure vote, it’s official: “one ought not threaten the lives of one’s co-workers” is now an exceedingly divisive partisan statement, but it’s really both sides that’re to blame for our arrival at this dangerous, deeply fucked-up point, just ask Chuck Todd. Gosar pointedly refused to apologize for his vile act, and indeed defiantly re-blasted the offending video immediately upon censure, a snarling proclamation that he will not be held to the standards of decency, or even of civilization.
I’m trying to deliver some laffs for y’all, I truly am, but it’s tricky finding punchlines here on this shitty, shitty march backwards towards human history’s darkest corners. Minority Leader McCarthy, who can’t get rid of Kinzinger and Cheney fast enough, not only wants to restore Gosar and Taylor Greene to their committee assignments, but already fantasizes openly about the powers he intends to vindictively abuse should his grubby, mediocre paws ever grasp the Speaker’s gavel.
Quick shout-out to the docile so-called “moderates” in K-Dawg’s caucus: how’s it feel to watch your “leader” pimp the very same white nationalist shitsacks who provoked the death threats you’re receiving these days over supporting FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE? I know the plan was to quietly blend into the background until the crazies got tired of setting shit on fire…how’s that workin’ out for y’all?
What’s that? Fascists never, ever stop taking, no matter how much you give away in your attempts to placate them? Huh. Well, I’m sure peace in our time is just around the corner.
Speaking of Keville Chamberlain, I guess he took to the House floor to pout and wail and rub shit all over himself for like, eight hours? Whatever. McCarthy not only accomplished fuckall when it came to halting Build Back Better’s passage, but failed to draw any of the attention he so desperately sought, and hey, maybe America’s best chance for survival is the inescapable blandness of so many of our wannabe demagogues.
Meanwhile, Mark Meadows cackled like an unusually subpar hyena at the thought of installing Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot as Speaker of the House, (sorry, Kev) because golly gee, just IMAGINE how many people that’d bother! I wonder sometimes, when you’re part of a cult than can envision no higher purpose nor greater glory than irritating strangers, like…does no one ever raise their hand to ask, “Hang on, is this seriously all there is?”
It totally is, though. Trolling peppered with periodic outbursts of terrorist violence, that’s the GOP brand. Matt Gaetz would probably be a huge hit at open mic night in the ol’ federal penitentiary, with hilarious gags like “I SHOULD MAKE KYLE RITTENHOUSE MY INTERN HAW HAW HAW,” if it weren’t for the fact that he’ll need to be kept in solitary confinement over the whole “child rapist” thing.
Still, that turned out to be such a popular bit that Gosar and Madison “The Many Homes of Hitler Tour Guide” Cawthorn are now playfully jousting over the young mass-shooter’s coffee-fetching services. Oh, and aspiring führer Ron DeSantis was too busy snickering at his own juvenile stunt to notice his press secretary, Christina Pushaw, spreading Stormfront-level anti-Semitic conspiracy theories on social media, let alone remove her from the public payroll for such disgusting behavior. Just in case anybody out there hasn’t figured out who these people are yet.
Well, if you ever wondered what it’d be like to see Joe McCarthy portrayed by a tenth-rate dinner theatre actor with misplaced confidence in his abilities to interpret Tennessee Williams, the good people of Louisiana have helpfully elected John Kennedy to the United States Senate. Ol’ Foghorn Dipshit may not be much of a legislator, but as a witch-hunter, he’s a truly once-in-a-generation buffoon.
Fucking hell. This fucking country. Hey, if you need a little fun amidst the avalanche of shit assaulting us from all sides, may I be so bold as to steer you towards the Kickstarter page for my next comic book, ODD YARNS? It’s one fun-as-hell little story, (actually, it’s two stories, learn more at the link) and I’d absolutely love to bring some smiles to some faces, especially after the relative BLURG* of this week’s blog.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns
Tell you what, just give the link one little click, browse the page for a minute, and drop us a pledge if you dig what you see. Special rewards for fans of the blog, by the way.
Well, I am worn down to the fucking nub by this shit, my friends, and the time has come for me to drown my sorrows, which are ample. Please imagine extra concern in my voice this time when I say…stay safe out there, folks. Please stay safe.
OH HEY, big holiday next week. Blog might come on a weird night. Might skip a week. Let’s play it by ear.
*You’re not crazy, “blurg” is not, in fact, a word. Language fails me these days; I’m down to grunts and nonsense.
Fox, Facebook, and Other Monsters Under America's Bed (Th'Ferret!)
Hey, before we get started tonight, a quick pro tip for the savvy news consumer: laminate the daily paper before reading it; that way, when one of the many stories of ascendant American fascism inevitably causes you to projectile vomit, you don’t render unread portions illegible with puke; simply wipe clean and proceed to the next article, which is about Ivanka opening a nationwide puppy mill chain, probably.
(The link to the links and the bright shiny colors is, as ever, here: http://showercapblog.com/fox-facebook-and-other-monsters-under-americas-bed/)
Call it the Great Resignation, call it a serendipitously decentralized unofficial nationwide labor strike, shit, call it the McRib if you want; a year and a half of isolation and introspection led the American workforce to collectively conclude there’s likely more to life than pissing our best years away in shit jobs for shit wages just to enable the DeVoses of the world to while away sunny afternoons, daydreaming about innovative yacht storage solutions.
So yeah, the labor market is fairly wonky at the moment, but the solution remains as simple as it is obvious: just raise wages, you greedy fucks. ‘Course, if that happens, maybe all us serfs’ll start getting uppity ideas, like that we’re human beings, worthy of dignified lives, rather than farm animals to be exploited or lab rats to be fiddled with for amusement. Anyhow, Wisconsin Republicans’ opposition to a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work has become so fervent, they’re actually trying to roll back child labor laws rather than pay folks what their work is worth, which is surely the most populist thing this side of a golden toilet bowl full of billionaire turds.
Well, it’s home stretch time in Virginia’s gubernatorial election, and Republican Glenn Youngkin can apparently muster no greater closing argument than trotting out a known book-burning advocate masquerading as a mathematically-average American mom who is Just Concerned™️ about the dangers of exposing pure, young, white minds to the works of Toni Morrison, because government isn’t supposed to solve problems, you dummy, just perpetuate the outrage cycle feeding/distracting an easily-misled electoral base with culture war horsepoo while the wealthy quietly rob us all blind. Vote McAuliffe, if you’re able.
I see it is once again time for America’s wingnut death cult to ceremonially fete Ron DeSantis for “successfully” murdering his way through the pandemic. Having repeated this ritual so many times already, they’ve gotten really quite good at it; the congregation has grown perfectly comfortable ignoring all the newly-empty pews and fresh graves beneath the revival tent; the virus has eaten its fill and moved on, and no freedumb was sacrificed…only lives.
And now, Mad Emperor Ron-Ron proposes paying $5,000 bonuses (likely drawn from funds he’s stolen from school districts that insisted on prioritizing student health over his personal lust for cultist clout) to lure to Florida cops who quit their jobs in other states rather than comply with vaccine mandates, which, okay, is a little bit like posting a call for brownshirts on LinkedIn, but I’m sure nothing but cupcakes and bunny butts will come of deliberately fostering a culture of petulant, lawless opposition to the public good in our increasingly-militarized law enforcement communities.
Blockbuster new reporting from Rolling Stone reveals organizers of the Capitol Riot actually planned that seditious shit with STILL-SITTING MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, which, my God, somehow failed to land like what it is: earth-shaking news about one of the two or three most important events in American history. Because flooding the zone with shit works.
Why isn’t this the only thing anyone anywhere is talking about? I mean, Real-Life Christian Szell Paul Gosar apparently went so far as to promise the rioters a “blanket pardon” in the restored Reich to come. And it’s the We Can Haz Fascism? crew from this article, Gosar, Brooks, Boebert, Gohmert, Cawthorn, and Taylor-Greene, who’re taking over the GOP, while increasingly rare dissenters like Cheney and Kinzinger are made to walk the plank, to the jeers of the bloodthirsty.
Cool caucus you got there, Kev…no wonder you’ve got faceless backbenchers like…hang on, what’s this little jagoff’s name again? Blanks? Banks? Whatever, just another craven dirtbag angling for his 15 minutes of MAGA stardom by maliciously misgendering Assistant Secretary of Health Rachel Levine. The cruelty, as you may’ve heard, is the whole dang point.
Meanwhile, no haunted house, not even those screwy religious ones, can hold a candle to the horrors glimpsed behind the curtain at Facebook, that nightmarish, predatory, alternate reality where ethics simply are not a thing.
It’s staggering to contemplate the amount of harm these sociopathic nerds have caused, and yet, the full extent of their self-reflection truly seems limited to:
“Hey, our ultra-contagious brain parasite just developed yet another brand-new way to inflict human suffering on a scale that puts Stalin to shame; should we maybe, I dunno…stop doing that thing?”
“Will we make less money if we stop doing the thing?”
“We will.”
“PROCEED WITH THE THING."
Zuck is pretty much the polar opposite of Peter Parker, y’know? Anyway, a quick, clumsy rebrand, as Diet Cherry Disinformation or some shit, made all his problems disappear in a vanilla-scented puff of gaslight; why, I’ve almost forgotten the name of the country where his hellsite actively facilitated acts of genocide nope that’s a lie it’s still Myanmar.
Like, everybody’s mad at Jeff Bezos for going to space; I’m more concerned with those who invest their billions in gasoline for the world’s many fires. Like Zuckerberg. And Rupert Murdoch, who decided to legitimize the Deposed Dotard’s latest mewling, Big-Lie-spreading tantrum with placement on the op-ed page of the prestigious Wall Street Journal, one of those fancypants “newspaper” thingies you see spinning around all over the place in those fancypants old movies.
And if that’s what Rupert’s doing with his classy, “respectable” brand, it really shouldn’t surprise us that no advertiser boycott can shake his devotion to broadcasting Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, which functions, on a practical level, as night school for aspiring white nationalist radicals.
Incidentally, for anyone feeling worn out after all the homework during the recent Why Viktor Orbán is the Sexxxiest of All Possible Autocrats unit, rest easy, cuz it’s MOVIE WEEK! Yes, Fish Stix Hitler announced a three-part television event dedicated to further embiggening the Big Lie by claiming the Capitol Riot was a “false flag” operation designed to make Trumpism look like a movement of crazed, thuggish proto-Nazis, as though any aid is required on that front.
…I’m just saying, we’d probably be better off if more rich guys just wanted to fulfill childhood astronaut fantasies. Honestly, if Murdoch and his ilk could only content themselves with hunting us for sport, one at a time, on private estates where the rule of law is a polite joke…like, I dunno, that seems like a fair compromise, maybe. We could have, like, a lottery or something.
Because this strategy of trickle-down hatred…it fucking WORKS, folks. Look no further than the event for Charlie Kirk’s grotesque little Trumpler Youth organization, where a reasonably normal, clean-cut-looking young white fellow calmly asked, “when do we get to use the guns” on…whoever this one had been trained to hate; Democrats, BLM, Soros, Stacys, black-helicopter-piloting globalist Colin Kaepernick clones, who can say, really? The point is, he’s been a good, patient boy, and he’d very much like to start to committing murders now.
Isn’t that neat? Just a dude asking, in front of God and the whole ever-lovin’ world, “say, isn’t it about time to start passing out armbands and long knives?” as casually as if he were wondering aloud whether or not those really soft throw blankets would get their customary Black Friday discount at Target this year.
Out in Idaho, a racist, open-carry-obsessed felon named Jacob Bergquist didn’t wait for permission, he just wandered over to the local shopping mall to take his best stab at mass murder. See, that’s the thing about these rabbit holes; while they’re designed with no bottom, there’s always an off-ramp for anybody who feels ready to take the plunge into violence. (That off-ramp is America’s deeply insane gun policy, for the curious.)
And think of the message being sent to every starry-eyed, wannabe white boy mass-shooter by the obscene Calvinball rules set by the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. From permission structure to institutionalized exoneration, (remember Gosar’s promised pardons?) we’re seeing a real vertical integration approach to white nationalist terrorism from the GOP; imagine if they’d redirect all that effort into ending the pandemic, or fighting climate change, or…fuck it, stamp collecting.
What else, what ellllllllse…oh yeah, we learned a little more about Richard Burr’s clever little pandemic profiteering scheme; no reason an enterprising young U.S. Senator shouldn’t line his pockets while lying thousands of his constituents into early graves, right? So long as he dutifully acquiesces to the steady chipping-away of American democracy’s pillars, of course.
On a brighter note, we just wrapped up work on the latest comic, ODD YARNS, and sent it to the printer! The Kickstarter launches on November 9th! I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but the truth is, a big ol’ chunk of the foundation of my political and ethical beliefs came from Lee/Kirby-style superhero comics, and ODD YARNS is something of a love letter to those Silver Age values.
…seriously, it’s a hoot, you’ll have a great time reading it! And we’re offering a special rewards tier for fans of the blog; custom letters from Shower Cap! I’ll write a letter to an American politician of your choosing, on an issue of your choosing! Basically, if you’ve ever wanted someone to tell your Congressthing what a turd-munching crotchfungus they are, now’s your chance! Anyway, get more information here, and sign up on our pre-launch page!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns
And for Pete’s sake, stay safe out there, my friends…
Cocaine Hippos and Other News Which is Significantly Less Amusing (Y'know, Death Cult Shit) (Ferret)
Lotta fun little stories this week about cocaine hippo personhood and zebra honeypots and such, and I bet having a funny animal news blog would be goddamn delightful. Alas, I’ve made…different choices. Well, let’s wade into this shit, shit ain’t gonna wade into itself…we’ve added little windshield wipers to the visors on your hazmat suits, should help.
(The usual bonanza of links and shiny colors can be found by clicking here: http://showercapblog.com/cocaine-hippos-and-other-news-which-is-significantly-less-amusing-yknow-death-cult-shit/)
Just to drop you right in the deep end of the pool, looks like Ron Watkins, the skeevy little shit who put the Q in QAnon, is running for Congress, to join the Gosars and the Taylor Greenes in all their fashy reindeer games. Creatures like Watkins really should be frightened of the bright light of day, and they no longer are, have you noticed that?
Watkins would surely be greeted with open arms by the burgeoning Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus. Anyway, Kevin McCarthy escalated his campaign of vengeance against the apostate Liz Cheney, threatening the GOP consultant class with excommunication-by-association should they refuse to participate in her ritual shunning. Cheney’s sin, for those who’ve forgotten, is her belief that democracy is preferable to eternal servitude to a family of perverts and grifters.
Meanwhile, still yet to receive so much as a “naughty boy” from ol’ Keville Chamberlain is Matthew Louis Gaetz II, who faces a federal investigation that keeps on attractin’ new prosecutors, including an expert in child exploitation crimes. I would urge the American public to accept the Minority Leader’s demonstration of his party’s ethical priorities at face value.
Gaetz’s long-term career plans rely almost exclusively on securing a pardon from a future regime of lawless thugs immoral enough to accept a known pedophile into their inner circle; to that end, he uses his platform as a United States Congressman to normalize the thugs’ fascist ideals, seeking their attention and approval, which is, WOW, really unhelpful right now, but in the creepy little bastard’s defense…I mean, yeah, that’s looking like his best shot.
Well, the federal vaccine mandates are finally kicking in, as part of the Biden Administration’s Operation: Keep the Cultists Away From the Kool-Aid. Outside of a few feeble resignation pageants, and a particularly grating rendition of “On My Own” from Dan Bongino, tantrums have been kept to a minimum, even as our police departments benefit from the sort of addition-by-subtraction workforce realignment that’d normally cost billions in consulting fees.
More importantly, vaccination numbers are up and infection rates are down, so maybe it’s finally possible to save enough of the brainwashed from themselves to inch our way back to sweet, sweet normalcy. We’ll appreciate you more this time, normalcy. We will buy you exotic cheeses and chocolates and rub your weary limbs each night, normalcy; just never leave us again.
Of course there are still holdouts, vowing unyielding resistance to the forces of sanity and life. Yet another talk radio jag rode the HydroxyHorsepaste Express to Covidsville, which was really his super-secret geenyus plan all along, wink wink, and like, if, after 734,000 deaths, you still trust these fanatic howler monkeys more than doctors and scientists, at a certain point, I stop wondering why you keep hitting yourself in the face with a brick; I just get tired of prying it out of your hands.
Down in Texas, that laboratory of American apartheid, white supremacy is getting institutionalized with frankly impressive speed and efficiency from a political party that cannot seem to accomplish literally anything else. You’d think ramming through a racial gerrymander obscene enough to make John Roberts blush would be enough, but no, Governor Greg Abbott decided to put a lawyer who WORKED ON AN ATTEMPTED OVERTHROW OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT in charge of his state’s elections, which isn’t the sort of behavior one engages in when one sees oneself in a long-term relationship with democracy.
The Republican rank-and-file seems all too willing to accommodate Abbott’s authoritarian ambition, growing more comfortable with violence and threats of violence all the time. Mask mandates got your bee-filled skull all a-tizzy? No need to coexist peacefully in a shared society, just RAISE A MILITIA! Uppity state Democratic Party Chairman blaspheming against the Turd Emperor on the op-ed page? Time to fire off your best LYNCHING THREAT!
Oh, and the violent insurrectionist block in the D.C. penitentiary has a fan club now, sleep tight. Ashli Babbitt, Kyle Rittenhouse…I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that it’s so frequently violent criminals this movement chooses to canonize. Such a wacky death cult.
Nebraska Republican Congresscrook Jeff Fortenberry resigned from his committee assignments following federal indictments for campaign finance law violations and lying to the FBI, which is almost charming, really; in a party increasingly devoted to justifying mob violence, such old-fashioned corruption practically makes you a Cub Scout.
Well, Oleg Deripaska’s D.C. home got raided by the feds, and Lev Parnas got convicted, and dagnabbit, I know my Sleazy Slav scorecard is here someplace, but it’s buried beneath beer cans and articles about Madison Cawthorn smuggling knives into schools. Fuck it, I’ll find it later.
Condoleezza Rice is SO bored with democracy, you guys, and insists we all “move on” from the whole “seditious acts of terrorist violence” thing, and honestly, I totally agree, it’s just that your side has to go first, Condi. Not out of politics or pettiness, but because y’all are the ones being violent. Don’t say “move on” when you mean “unilaterally disarm,” okay?
Incidentally, Secretary Rice, I actually think we should keep picking through the wreckage of the Turd Reich, on account o’ the whole unpunished coup/dress rehearsal thing, yes, but also because gems like “Stephen Miller tried to deploy half the U.S. Army to the southern border” keep turning up. When your party stands for Shitty White Guy Supremacy at Any Cost and very little else, people are gonna talk about it, we’re just gossipy, I guess.
It was like getting hit in the throat by a t-shirt cannon filled with sports clichés when the Boy Who Failed At Everything From Casinos to Being President finally, after seven decades of punching himself in the dick, earned massive, late-in-life success JUST KIDDING Freddy Fuckup’s latest endeavor, a wingnut social media platform with crazy dreams of someday arm-wrestling Zuck himself, endured a public rollout so perfectly, gobsmackingly humiliating, I have to assume it was an op staged by a vengeful deep state. The fall from “we’re gonna drive CNN out of business” to “an account on the former President’s platform purporting to be the former President himself posted a photograph of a pig shitting on its own testicles” turns out to be a short, sharp shock.
As expected, Senate Republicans blocked Democrats’ voting rights bill, believing as they do that there’s far too much of this silly “voting” stuff going on already, particularly amongst the insufficiently alabaster.
If we’re honest, on a day-to-day level, the Republican Party serves no function whatsoever beyond pouring used kitty litter into the gears of justice. Run out the clock till the shitbags get away with everything, including the future, that’s the plan. Little “Ron Johnson holds up a U.S. Attorney nomination” here, little “Donnie Dotard’s strip mall legal team sues to block release of Shart House docs” there, the hourglass starts fillin’ up.
So yeah, watching the Bannon in Cuffs Please Oh Please marble work its way slowly through the Rube Goldberg federal Justice bureaucracy has been…a touch on the frustrating side. Still, the January 6th commission means business, they’re doing their job; your ball, Mr. Garland. (Understanding there was some clown-jousting that required your attention first, of course.)
Anyway, I’ll let you get back to screaming in horror at every step of the sausage-making process, though I’d recommend setting the Manchin/Sinema voodoo dolls down for now, and joining me in a beer and a comic book out back while the weather still permits.
Speaking of smooth transitions into comic book promotion, YES, the Kickstarter for the next comic, ODD YARNS, indeed draws ever nearer! Launching November 9th, in fact. I know I’ve been asking for your support a lot this year, but this one’ll be the last one for a bit, and besides, I think it’s cool as heck. One way or another, stay safe out there, chums.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns
Must've Been Some Sort of Sale on Nazi Shit This Week. Yikes. (Ferret)
I never thought I’d wax nostalgic over the days when the sole purpose of the Republican Party was to make rich people richer, but now that they’re bringing equal guile and fervor to efforts to feed and grow their shiny new fascist death cult base, I confess I reminisce almost fondly about mere Gordon Gekko greed.
(Tonight like every night, news links and shiny colors are only a click away: http://showercapblog.com/mustve-been-some-sort-of-sale-on-nazi-shit-this-week-yikes/)
Because we’re lookin’ at Nazi shit tonight, friends. Sorry. There’s just a whole lotta Nazi shit goin’ down in the land of the free lately, and I guess we gotta chronicle it, cuz that’s what we put on the header. I’ll try to throw in a few poop jokes here and there…spoonful of sugar and all that.
When names like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Kyle Rittenhouse collide in a shared headline, you KNOW you’re getting pure, uncut, Nazi shit. Anyway, a sitting U.S. Congresswoman fundraised for the child terrorist who has become a folk hero to the increasingly-violent alt-right, and no one in her party could be bothered to offer up the mildest “well, she really oughtn’t” in condemnation.
Because in the scramble for power in the All-New, Not-Sure-Whose-Side-We’re-Gonna-Be-On-In-World-Wars-From-Here-On-Out GOP, the maniacs are definitely taking their shot. Turns out, when you set out to construct a coalition of, by, and for the shittiest and craziest people alive, you attract some…well, you’d call them “characters” were their intentions a little less vile.
You watch perpetual candidate Josh Mandel stumbling around, rubbing his own shit into his own hair while screaming GEORGE SOROS CAUSED COVID, and you can’t help but wonder if th’Base™️isn’t just rage-crazed enough to finally actually send that d-list Arkham Asylum inmate to the United States Senate; J.D. Vance’s debasing mimicry of Joshie’s act tells us a fair amount about the conventional wisdom on the subject in “moderate” conservative circles.
See, you can’t really be moderate in a party where the Mandels and the Taylor Greenes call the shots. The moderate position at that table is We Should Have Little Libraries in the Concentration Camps Full of Terrified Children We Stole From Migrant Families.
Meanwhile Allen West’s quest for the Texas governorship rode a wave of ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine to a little detour in the Covid ward, while Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn begged the disinformation-warped cult of Q to believe his earnest denials of Satan-worship, an event with absolutely no parallels to any known Arthur Miller play.
Remember, it’s their very best they’re sending.
I guess somebody put up the eighty bucks, and so the Deposed Dotard recorded a creepy little Cameo vid for MAGA martyr Ashli Babbitt’s birthday party, and while lionizing treasonous terrorists isn’t what one might typically think of as even post-presidential behavior, Van Jones assures me that big ol’ pivot’s coming any day now. Two weeks.
Trump-endorsed Georgia Senate candidate/serial domestic abuser Herschel Walker cancelled a scheduled fundraiser with some wingnut rando who apparently enjoys filling Twitter with swastikas. If only scaring them off the behavior were as easy as getting them to back away from the most overt symbols, right?
“Holy balls, Cap, Swastikas?!? There really IS a lot of Nazi shit this week!” Yes, Virginia, there is indeed. And we’re not done with the week’s Nazi shit, either. We’re not close to done. But there’s a little bit of non-Nazi shit, too, shit that’s just ordinarily shitty shit, so why don’t we sort through some of that shit for a while? Lil’ palate cleanser. Sorbet.
A New York Times exposé revealed the entirely predictable trashfire of corruption and incompetence surrounding the Turd Reich’s handling of gifts from foreign governments. Also that the Saudis, recognizing a mark when they saw one, dazzled Donnie Dipshit with fake furs, because fucking of course they did. There must’ve been a line out the goddamn door to renegotiate everything from treaties to trade deals before the grown-ups came back to drag history’s most perfect rube away from the table.
Between that and the latest setback in just one of his many legal battles, we’re reminded that perhaps the biggest reason Off-Brand Orbán (yeah, I’m keeping that one) seeks a return to the Oval Office so rapaciously is it’s the only place he’s truly safe from the legal consequences of a decades-long career in crime of all flavors, from sexual assault to theft to terrorism.
No wonder he’s taken time out of his busy schedule monitoring the feed from the hidden cameras he had installed in Jared and Ivanka’s bedroom to reassert his tiny-fisted grasp around the GOP’s collective gullet, threatening to withhold his hordes from party causes until they figure out some way to get Joe Biden to un-kick his historic loser ass. Now, following 2020’s “platforms are for cucks” doctrine, perhaps we should congratulate this amorphous mass of gutless buttholes for finally choosing to stand for anything at all, though admittedly, blind fealty to the fascist Big Lie isn’t the greatest starting point.
The Manchurian Manchild’s petulant displays of force are hardly necessary; these whipped dogs are surely domesticated for life; were you to remove Lindsey Graham’s collar, open the gate, and announce, “You’re free, boy!” he’d only stand there, confused and afraid, until you let him back into the house.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott actually issued an executive order attempting to ban vaccine mandates statewide, an act of abject madness and fathomless malice…and it made news for, oh, six hours or so? Because deploying the power of the state to intentionally exacerbate a public health crisis, at the cost of thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, is simply standard operating procedure for the 21st century Republican Party, during this, their steadily-accelerating downward spiral towards the darkest places the human animal has yet uncovered within itself. (Jesus, Cap, keep it light.)
Incidentally, I imagine Republicans will return to the holy mission of reducing the size of government in anticipation of imminent bathtub immersion just as soon as they’re done with the competitive serf-slaughtering phase of their 2024 primary. Until then, they need to retain powers juuuuuust intrusive enough to prevent private companies from reducing their workforce’s exposure to a lethal virus; it’s an exceptionally consistent belief system, conservatism.
Glenn Youngkin (the Republican candidate for Virginia Governor, making his overdue debut in this silly, silly blog) wants you to think he’s one of the good ones. The moderate ones. No Nazi shit for Glenn Youngkin. Okay, well, maybe he went on ONE actual, known neo-Nazi’s radio program, but in fairness, that was only to pander to the dude’s (Nazi) audience for votes.
Oh, and maybe the Virginia GOP threw a little antebellum Nuremberg rally with Steve Bannon and even a call-in from the Burst Hemorrhoid Emperor himself, and maybe they kinda sorta idol-worshipped a flag some toe-fucking gobshite brought back from the Capitol Riot, but outside of the Nazi shit mentioned here, which one must grudgingly admit constitutes an unusually large amount of Nazi shit for an American political campaign, Nazi shit has been kept to a minimum. Mostly.
The truth is, you can’t really get involved with Republican politics on any level these days without rolling around in a pigpen full of pipin’ hot Nazi shit, until it penetrates every orifice and stains your eternal soul, but of course Glenn understands all that, it’s just that he wants to be Governor more than he wants to oppose the rise of fascism on American soil. So I guess I’m endorsing Terry McAuliffe, who certainly has a great deal more to recommend himself than “hey, he’s not a Nazi,” but I’m a single-issue voter now.
Missouri Governor Mike Parson publicly threatened legal retaliation against a newspaper that notified his government of a security flaw that exposed 100,000 of his constituents’ Social Security numbers to theft, even though of course it was the government itself that left this data lying around on the side of the street next to a Help Yourself sign. Parson came off like a petty clown, of course, but that instinctive authoritarian lashing-out at the free press…I’m getting pretty sick of that shit.
I’ll be honest with you, even amidst all this fashy fuckery, nothing set the ol’ tummy to churning quite like the news that Joe Rogan was steering his audience towards the official spokescreep of shitsack supremacy: Tucker Carlson. Rogan’s laughably dishonest endorsement of Fish Stix Hitler amounted to praising Grand Moff Tarkin for preserving Alderaan’s picturesque forests and thriving theatre scene, providing the customary casual gaslighting sprinkles that grant so much of our news that familiar, tangy, Orwellian crunch. Still, a Rogan-Carlson pipeline would produce an awful lot of white boy terrorists, so let’s hope this particular supervillain team-up disintegrates sooner rather than later.
Carlson, whose laugh sounds like six hamsters in a food processor and whose chin was recently voted Most Likely to Be Fourteen Ounces of Cottage Cheese in a Sausage Casing, impugned Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg’s manhood for taking paternity leave. When these thugs get done burning books* they’ll actually put Liar Tuck’s sad, soft portrait in the dictionary next to “masculinity,” y’know. I mean, if you’re gonna lie about elections and pandemics, why not make Tucker Carlson the male ideal while you’re at it, just for laffs?
Now, you’re probably sick to fucking death of Nazi shit by now; lord knows I am. But if we don’t deal with the Nazi shit that’s already in front of us, we’re just gonna get served an even bigger plate of Nazi shit for breakfast tomorrow, and not to come off argumentative or anything, but my feeling is, there’s been too much Nazi shit already.
Because under Texas’ new anti-CRT law, (“CRT” stands for “Implying Racism Ever Existed in America for Even Ten Minutes AKA Spitting Directly Into the Eye of God” in Texas) we’ve got school boards telling their teachers that if you’re gonna stock books that suggest the Holocaust was bad in any way, you better Chuck Todd that shit and give equal representation to the “opposing” point of view, which is, objectively, Hitler’s.
See, I saved the Naziest shit for last.
Can I just ask…if you’re writing laws that transform public schools into environments where children are taught to bothsides the Holocaust, what conclusion do you expect people to draw? Because there aren’t non-Nazi reasons to do that.
Not sure what y’all hope to accomplish anyway, do you imagine doctoring a few history textbooks will somehow conceal the existence of the hatred you twisted fucks belch up all goddamn day long? Are you like…wait. Are…are they trying to claim credit for inventing racism? “As you learned in school, son, the human race lived in perfect harmony until scumbags like your dad came along and fucked everything up! Aren’tcha proud?”
Hopefully, by the next time we meet, Steve Bannon will be behind bars for defying a congressional subpoena. I’m told the chief obstacle confronting the Jan. 6th commission involves the necessity of constructing a unique holding facility for Bannon, whose body emits numerous secretions capable of burning through traditional restraints.
Hey, those of you who backed MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION on Kickstarter: digital copies have been sent! Check your junk folders if you didn’t see our update! And if you still haven’t filled out your reward survey, shame on you, get on that!
Which reminds me, we’re gearing up for yet another comic book Kickstarter come November! This one’s a little more fun in the traditional super-hero sense, but still contains all the Nazi-stomping goodness you’ve come to expect from Resistance Comics. Our pre-launch page for ODD YARNS is LIVE, and you can sign up for updates there!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns
Anyhoo, I’m gonna go try to wash all this Nazi shit out of my eyeballs, or at least drown it in beer. Stay safe out there, Resisters…we need ya.
*LOL they’re never “done.” That’s not how this works. Stop them or they don’t stop.
Creeping Fascism SUXX, and Other Hot Takes (Ferret)
This week has been…an unusually specific We Didn’t Start the Fire verse, and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. You may want to put on something splatter-proof before proceeding. I mean, what the fuck.
(As ever, git this nonsense with links n’ in color here: http://showercapblog.com/creeping-fascism-suxx-and-other-hot-takes/)
A whistleblower granted the world a terrifying peek behind the curtain at the human -misery-manufacturing plant called Facebook, and dear lord, the scope of the damage wrought by one nerd’s unrestrained greed, it’s…it’s fuckin’ widescreen, friends. From genocide in Myanmar to inflicting lifelong trauma on an entire generation of young women, look on Mark Zuckerberg’s works, ye mighty, and despair.
There’re certainly some big issues to be grappled with here, and of course it doesn’t help that so many of our elected leaders are just too damn old to understand these newfangled “apps” and “platforms,” with their tight pants and their rock n’ roll music, but if folks could get their shit together in time to regulate these assholes before some random cow on their hellsite knocks over the lantern that sets the whole world on fire, that’d be swell.
Meanwhile, the brain poison peddlers at Fux Nooz took a break from excusing/normalizing violent insurrection and spreading vaccine lies to attack Senator Tammy Duckworth for taking a tax break for wounded veterans which she most definitely earned. But hate her anyway, and don’t forget to tithe to your draft-dodging dirtbag divinity.
“Make America Great Again Again” is the latest asinine bit of branding which, let’s be honest, will totally fucking work on the legion of pliant rubes who are, after all, still (STILL) ineffectively ingesting livestock dewormer in the face of a highly contagious, potentially lethal virus, out of spite.
I see Off-Brand Orbán somehow managed to flounder his way off the Forbes 400, a testament to his one true talent: losing. Not only did this sloppy fop recently hold the most prestigious political post on the planet, but he’s legit the head of an enormous cult, millions who demonstrate daily that they are literally willing to die for him…and STILL the dumb shit figures out a way to crash his brand and decrease his net worth. Like, if Lee and Kirby had pit the Fantastic Four against some sort of cosmic embodiment of the very concept of failure, Donald Trump would still be the bigger loser. He’s amazing.
Tacking back to Cult45 for a second, Sultan Spraytan claimed, with hubris light years beyond parody, “nobody has done more for Christianity or for evangelicals or for religion itself than I have,” which will surely strike the sincerely devout as a touch on the sacrilegious side. Lucky for him, the modern Republican Party contains precisely zero actual Christians, only seething zealots whose only creed is hate, madly demanding religious exemptions from the responsibility to peacefully coexist with others.
Speaking of which…by now you’ve surely noticed the surge in threats of violence against public school employees and officials by once-normal Americans driven insane with rage by the right-wing propaganda machine’s relentless stream of lies.
Well, Merrick Garland announced he’s allocating Justice Department resources to battle this trashfire terror epidemic, because that’s what the Justice Department is fucking for: fighting crime. Threatening to physically harm another human is against the law, and I thought, equally against the agreed-upon rules of civilization. Still, Rand Paul sure seems mad.
Indeed, the Libertarian Lummox waggled his fashy finger flamboyantly at all who would dare impede the sacred right of any frenzied psychopath (provided they’re White, naturally) to terrorize perceived infidels into submission. Rand and co. sure do have some wacky notions about freedom; one almost wants to ask ‘em to work up an official Wingnut Bill of Rights, which’d surely make for quite the obscene little manifesto, smeared, in feces, on Tucker Carlson’s garage door.
And there’s an element of “wow, what a weird hill to die on,” to Paul’s tantrum, of course, but then you remember the hill in question is really “violence and threats of violence should be permissible tactics in the public sphere, admittedly only for our side,” and the reason they’re so desperate to defend that hill is, facing a slide into minority status, the Right is contemplating a hard turn towards fascism. And it is not currently the Kinzinger/Cheney wing of the party dominating that debate. And our little metaphorical hill no longer seems “weird,” only frightening.
Senator Paul, some dude just MURDERED HIS OWN FUCKING BROTHER, a pharmacist, in the name of the snakes fuckwads like you shoved into his head. Like, while we grudgingly understand that your party fucked up so fucking badly that lying to people until their brains break is your only viable electoral strategy at the moment, we really must insist upon drawing the line at submitting to your slaughter.
God picked up his iPhone and went, “Siri, have Chuck Grassley demonstrate the casual racism of old, white, paternalistic, conservative dudes, during a Senate hearing if possible,” and, well, that’s what happened…he’s God. (I would REALLY love it if people picked fights about the gender of god in the comments, by the way.) You don’t get Trump or Trumpism without the sleepy acquiescence of a whole lotta Chuck Grassleys, y’know.
Congratulate Ron Johnson for graduating from using his platform as a United States Senator to parrot dangerous coronavirus disinformation, to using his platform as a United States Senator to elevate dangerous and previously obscure coronavirus disinformation; growth in the wrong direction is still growth, I suppose.
If anybody’s worried they’re sleeping too soundly, let it be known RoJo, for all his shitbaggery, is nowhere near the fringe of the GOP’s elected official class. Certainly not when compared to New Hampshire State Representative Ken Weyler, who claims coronavirus vaccines are a plot by the Pope to inject “octopus-like creatures” into the bodies of unsuspecting patriots. No, really. That happened. In real life.
Republican Governor Chris Sununu called for Weyler’s removal from House leadership, a reasonable enough request, but look, if the GOP kicks everybody who believes the pandemic is a conspiracy to infect children with microsquid out of their steadily-shrinking tent, how’re they supposed to win elections?
Palace intrigue at the Idaho Governor’s Mansion (which, I just learned, does not exist), when Lt. Gov. Janice McGeachin took advantage of Gov. Brad Little’s trip to an out-of-state meeting to USURP POWER and repeal vaccine and testing mandates, because death cult coups are just something that happens in America now. (If nobody’s claimed “Potato Republic” yet, I’d like to plant my flag.)
And a new report from Senate Judiciary recounts all the zany ways Hairplug Himmler and his accommodating stooge, Jeffrey Clark, schemed to hollow American democracy out from within, like cartoon termites, only scarier and much less likely to understand how umbrellas work. Republican response to the report has been…let’s say, “predictably disloyal.”
The Deposed Dotard formally ordered his old Turd Reich underlings to defy the January 6th commission’s congressional subpoenas, a key procedural milestone on the slow-motion legal front of the nation’s great Nazi or Nah? struggle. While I normally wouldn’t wish Steve Bannon’s presence on anyone, (it takes multiple boilings to remove the viscous residue he leaves in his wake) let’s get to work enforcing those subpoenas, kids.
Oh, and it turns out prominent hate group attorney Michael P. Farris worked behind the scenes to shape the Assclown Autogolpe’s legal strategy, and you know, I’m starting to think the religious right skipped over a few parts of that Bible. I mean, just the stuff between the front and back covers, though should Ben Garrison recover, I’m sure we’ll someday get to see his approving portrayal of Jesus-as-MAGA-capped-brownshirt, clubbing little caricatures of CNN anchors to death in the street.
Speaking of bigotry wearing faith like a cheap plastic Halloween mask, North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson won’t resign over his appallingly dehumanizing comments about LGBTQ people; why would he, when viral hate speech so frequently rockets one into the highest echelons of Republican politics?
Every other random conservative shitfit continues apace, incidentally. Ron DeSantis keeps on inflicting petty punishments on school districts who refuse to obediently sacrifice their charges to his carrot-colored death god. All the vaccine crap and the CRT crap and the abortion rights crap is still pilin’ up. All frogs are still a-boilin’.
And despite the Cirque du Soleil-quality public failure of the sham Arizona recount, auditmania runs wild, from Wisconsin to North Carolina, because what could possibly go wrong, perpetually reinforcing the Big Lie that the Biden/Fauci/Soros/Big Tech/Snuffleupagus/Big Candy Cigarette/Harvey the Pooka/Big Common Sense Cabal has stolen the nation away from real (coughcoughwhite) Americans?
Oh right. The surge in violence. The one Rand Paul luvs so very, very much.
Debt Ceiling Theatre must be the shittiest show on C-SPAN, right? It’s certainly the most irritating. Mitch McConnell pulled his customary game of chicken (a monstrous, withered, turtle/chicken hybrid, lurching towards catastrophe, somehow leaking horse manure from every orifice) with the global economy, at least until he started getting phone calls from his plutocrat employers; Mitchell is ultimately a servant, albeit a well-compensated one, a sort of “head butler,” but even he isn’t trusted with the combination to the master’s safe.
‘Course, Yertle failed to account for Newton’s Second Law of Ted Cruz: certain assholes are incapable of catching the merest whiff of the spotlight without succumbing to the compulsion to pucker and preen. Lindsey Graham felt like yipping for a bit, too…what cheer. And then one final mini-crisis, because though all agreed the United States must not be permitted to default on its obligations, few were brave enough to cast the necessary vote and thus face the wrath of soft fashy boi Sean Hannity. Real Profiles in the Bottom of my Sneakers After a Trip to the Dog Park stuff here, folks.
Whatever. In the end, Mitch folded, and human civilization lived to fight another day. Honestly, any day this careening gaggle of buttholes fails to blow us all to atoms counts as a good day in my book.
…as does any day when the fridge holds at least a few stray cans of local craft brew. Today, thank all the gods in all the heavens, is such a day. And if you need any more good news, well, howzabout I finally begin teasing the next offering from Resistance Comics…
A Light Smattering of Buttholes, Featuring the Defenestration of Corey Lewandowski (Ferret!)
Kind of a slow news week, meaning American fascism creeped a little more quietly than usual, I suppose. Which is welcome enough, as is the subsiding of the Delta surge, certainly…I guess I just wish we’d managed to build a better world for John Hinckley to come back to, y’know?
(You want shiny colors? You want nifty nooz links? CLICK HERE: http://showercapblog.com/a-light-smattering-of-buttholes-featuring-the-defenestration-of-corey-lewandowski/)
A Turd Reich-era DHS whistleblower reminded us that a return to power by the Deposed Dotard “would be a disaster” for U.S. intelligence, a warning sure to resonate with the third of the electorate that reviles our national security apparatus as a fiendish, disloyal “deep state,” to say nothing of their instinctive antipathy for the word “intelligence.”
An enterprising election clerk in Mesa County, Colorado, Tina Peters, decided she wasn’t going to let an insignificant detail like “the will of the people” loosen her loser death cult’s grip on power, especially with seditious bedding peddlers offering so much soothing, crime-justifying disinformation, so she took it upon herself to smuggle some random jagoff into her office to COPY THE COUNTY VOTING MACHINES’ HARD DRIVES for…who the fuck even knows? For whatever dipshit scheme this clown brigade cooked up with the half-dozen-or-so misfiring brain cells they share amongst themselves.
And that’s how it happens here! Yeah, IT. A few more Tina Peters, and one or two fewer Brad Raffenspergers*, in just the right posts, and the GOP can finally send the consent of the governed to live on a farm upstate.
I wouldn’t worry about it, we’re obviously living in sane, healthy, almost drearily normal times, it’s not like local school boards have banded together to beg the federal government for assistance with the legions of anti-mask maniacs threatening them with violence. It’s not like any hospitals are handing out personal panic buttons to staff in response to a threefold surge in assaults from crazed patients demanding to be medicated like worm-infested cattle. OH WAIT, IT’S ACTUALLY EXACTLY LIKE THAT! CAP, YOU WILY SCOUNDREL!
Well, deranged MAGA cartoonist Ben Garrison went and got himself a heapin’ helpin’ of Covid-19, and, with his characteristic grip on objective reality, chose to self-medicate, washing down the now-obligatory ivermectin cocktail with a tall, frosty glass of beet juice, probably with a Lysol chaser. Get well never, fuckhead.
Brett Kavanaugh has it, too. Bet he got it from boofing with Squee.
You wouldn’t think the governorship of a state as small as South Dakota offered enough power to go especially mad with, but bless her unscrupulous little heart, Kristi Noem is doing her level best. Seems that when she’s not busy sacrificing her constituents’ lives on the altar of her national ambitions, Noem likes to unwind by purging state agencies of officials who insist upon holding their governor’s subpar spawn to the same standards as the commoners.
Remember when an abuse-of-power scandal like that was enough to drive these scumbags out of office? Underappreciated times, those.
Stephanie Grisham obsequiously enabled the shittiest people alive as they assaulted American democracy, plundered the Treasury, and spread disease and death from sea to shining sea, but now she’s looking to cash in with yet another trashy tell-all about life behind the scenes in Ruptured Hemorrhoid Camelot. Anyway, while it’s certainly a humiliating enough anecdote for the Marmalade Shartcannon, fuck Grisham sideways with a rake for making us think about Donald Trump’s (allegedly) toadstool-esque wang again.
Speaking of Th’Best People™️, hey Corey Lewandowski, looks like you overestimated the sturdiness of your lil’ flight harness, didn’tcha, you shitty Icarus, you? One can certainly understand how this walking bathtub drain hair clog came to believe he was invincible; neither serial incompetence nor video evidence of physical assault could dislodge him from Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s orbit, such has been the potency of his ass-kissing. Still, groping a high-rolling donor? In the GOP? Kid must have a dang death wish.
Congressional hearings on Afghanistan offered an informative glimpse into the kakistocracy to come should the increasingly authoritarian, decreasingly rational Republican Party ever retake power. Watching a thuggish pedophile like Matt Gaetz and a shabby drug dealer like Ronny Jackson furiously regurgitate batshit right wing talking points at Chairman Milley, dreams of Newsmax stardom twinkling in their otherwise-dead eyes, makes me realize we need a whole new word, to describe that unique combination of disdain and dread and disgust and despair one feels when staring directly into modern conservatism’s dark heart. (Especially on election nights, right?) Perhaps a simple, primal yowl will do.
Wisconsin Republicans, contending the real victims of racism are white folks’ feelings, are pursuing a bill that would mandate white supremacist gaslighting in their state’s public schools, with lead author Chuck Wichgers helpfully providing a list of words and phrases he’d like to see burned out of every textbook in the land, including “patriarchy,” “systemic racism,” and “Chuck Wichgers is a clownish bigot with the brain of an unusually inadequate gerbil.” Glad Scott Walker’s no longer around to sign this monstrosity into law.
Well, some timorous taintfungus firebombed the Travis County Democratic Party headquarters in Austin, Texas. Nobody got hurt, thank God, but maybe the national media could’ve spared a moment or two from their ‘round-the-clock investigation of the trash cans outside Joe Manchin’s house to mention this act of domestic right-wing terrorism? Anyway, here’s Chris Cillizza with five winners and three losers from the Reichstag fire.
I see Sammy Alito became the latest member of the stolen wingnut SCOTUS majority to sullenly whinge about all the uppity peasants criticizing the way he and his fellows have been imposing their illegitimate will on the public. Harumph! If the serfs can’t accept their diminished slate of rights in respectful silence, maybe something needs to be done about that pesky First Amendment…
I guess Santa finally opened all those letters I’ve been sending, because once again, comeuppance time has arrived for the grimy bucket of toenail clippings and marmot diarrhea known as Alex Jones. Seems the judge got fed up with Alex’s deadbeat stall tactics, and issued default judgments against him and his trashfire website, in lawsuits filed by two of the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for years. To the jury tasked with determining the precise amount to be awarded, remember, Jones is a tick who has engorged himself for years on the suffering of innocent strangers, and richly deserves a Dickensian denouement. Do your duty.
And I see Pat Robertson retired from public hate-mongering, to spend more time trembling in fear in anticipation of the eternal damnation that’ll kick off any minute now. Say hi to Rush for us, Pat!
…yeah, bit quiet this week, though I’m certainly open to the possibility that I overlooked some shit, as real life (boo) and comic book publishing (yay) made some heavy demands on my time. Feel free to berate me in the comments for any shortcomings; I always figured I’d have more trolls by now.
* Brads Raffensperger?**
** Will I ever get tired of this gag?***
*** Doubt it.
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