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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 32

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Late thoughts on the day's madness...

Y'know what's absolutely fucking nutty, friends? I look at today's news, which would have made newspapers in any other year in human history shriek like banshees, and I think "Meh. Not really up to the standards of say, last Wednesday."

In short...shit be cray.

Over the weekend, David Lynch's TWIN PEAKS returned to television, and Mississippi lawmaker Karl Oliver celebrated by saying that people who oppose the removal of monuments dedicated to treasonous confederate losers should be lynched! Isn't it fun that there are still old white dudes in the south who want angry mobs to carry out extra-legal murders of folks who oppose racism? It just gives you Andy-Griffith-style warm fuckin' fuzzies, makes you wanna pour cough syrup and Sudafed into a big ol' vat of your gramma's sweet tea, slap on a white hood and ride around burning crosses in some lawns, DOESN'T IT? Not to get all editorial, but fuck each and every single person who decides that Protecting Confederate Monuments is a cause worth fighting for.

Speaking of lynching...oh, what's that? You thought that there would only be one story about lynching, because it's the 21st century and we're more civilized than that? Nah, brah, we're in Donald Trump's Amerikkka now, and you're lucky we're not quite to the point where you need a special newsletter JUST for fucking lynching news.

Anyway, Representative Al Green, who recently called for the Orange Julius Caesar's impeachment on the floor of the House because he's ahead of his time, like the Elon Musk of taking our country back, shared some of the death threats he got from the little shartkins, including yes, talk of stringing him up, from the type of dickless jagoffs who watch Mississippi Burning and get the same wistful nostalgic feeling that I get from hearing Kenny Chesney sing a song about drinking beer in high school.

And then, goddammit, on the University of Maryland campus, Richard Collins III was actually lynched, stabbed to death by a 22-year-old wannabe Klansman piece of human garbage, just the latest act of horrifying violence perpetrated by the increasingly brazen white supremacist movement. And our President, who can't let a sketch comedy parody pass without comment, won't say one fucking word of condemnation about this shit.

Beyond that, the weekend was relatively quiet.

The Marmalade Shartcannon left on his Big Boy trip, and it was nice to be rid of him for a bit, wasn't it? For at least a few days, this pussy-grabbing fraudster wouldn't defile the Oval Office with his oozing indecency.

And boy howdy, do the Saudis have our Idiot Manchild President figured out. Give him a shiny gold medal, project his bloated Harkonnen face on the side of building, and he'll do whatever the fuck you want. Sell you weapons the Obama administration wouldn't? Shit, he'll even have his boy, Feyd-Rautha Kusher BARGAIN AN AMERICAN COMPANY DOWN SO YOU GET A BETTER PRICE. Pressure for human rights violations? I don't see any need for that, behead whoever the fuck you want, I've never seen my fat fucking head so big before!

The Saudis even sweetened the pot with a cool hundred-million-dollar donation to Ivanka's foundation which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from the Saudi donations to the crooked Clinton foundation in that it is much fucking larger.

Oddly, after months and months of telling everybody that only through the Unrivaled Mystic Power of Saying 'Radical Islam' Aloud could terrorism be forever vanquished, Donnie TOTALLY CUCKED OUT because he is the Cuckiest Cuck who ever Cucked. He also bowed to the Saudi king, who then fucked his wife while he watched, because he is a Cuck.

There was also that whole thing with the Orb, but by this point in the day, literally every single Orb joke has been told, so just insert your favorite in this paragraph and give me credit for it, okay?

Incidentally, it took about a day and a half for the Velveeta-Stuffed Tick to start cancelling events, citing "exhaustion." Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment as she was busy shotputting bowling balls off the mountain she had climbed just because it was there. Don't worry though, Shartboy sent a replacement to cover for him. Oh, no, not like, the Secretary of State; he's an oil baron who doesn't have any relevant experience. He sent his daughter, who designs costume jewelry. Because we're a hereditary monarchy now. Did you miss that meeting?

Wilbur Ross, still surly at having been left out of the quest to the Lonely Mountain, tagged along on his boss' trip in case he needed any money laundered. He marveled at the lack of protests he encountered in a nation where protests are illegal. In fact, upon learning that dissent is sometimes punishable by beheading in Saudi Arabia, ol' Wilbur's withered dwarf wang became partially erect for the first time in lo these many centuries.

Shart-o the Clown then left the Middle East for Israel (his words, not mine). He wasted no time in confirming that Israel was indeed the source of the classified intel he leaked The Spy Firm of Sergei and Sergey, as only a man of such limited intellect can; he defiantly informed the media that they were dastardly and dishonest in reporting that he had told the Russians that Israel was the intel's source, which is something literally no one accused him of. Everyone was embarrassed at how triumphal he looked, like some dipshit kid beaming that he just own-goaled himself.

Oh, and Michael Flynn invoked his fifth amendment privileges today.

(This space inserted to give you time to look up old statements and tweets where Flynn and his allies inferred the guilt of various members of the Clinton State Department for invoking the fifth. I'll get a fudgcicle and meet you back here in five.)

Anyway, yeah, he's choosing not obey his subpoena, which doesn't legally apply to the documents in question, so now we'll see if these Republican-controlled committees have any teeth. Having staved off his reckoning for another day, Flynn returned to his basement, where he's set up all his green plastic army men, who he likes to lead in imaginary "Lock her up" chants, as old Abu Ghraib torture videos play in the background for comfort.

Speaking of Flynn, it broke later that he lied to Pentagon investigators about his shady-ass Russian income, according to a letter from all-around-badass-and-also-Congressman Elijah Cummings, but it's not like lying to a federal investigator is a crime.

Wait, what? Oh. It is a crime, y'say? Well shit, Mikey Me Boy-o, you'd best offer something real real special if you want that immunity you're always askin' for. Cuz honestly son, you've broken more laws than an entire NFL team.

In the background, some of the particularly leprous souls in the right wing media scumosphere have decided to aim for the REALLY exclusive circles of Hell, and continue exploiting the death of Seth Rich despite the total debunking of their story and that whole basic-human-decency-in-the-face-of-a-grieving-family thang. Sean Hannity and Newt Gingrich keep shrieking about it because if some malicious 4chan rando is right, and if every single element of the Dagwood Sandwich of leaked evidence turns out to be phony, this somehow exonerates Team Shart of the whole Russia thing so who needs decency? I'm not a religious man, but if there's an afterlife, Hannity and Gingrich are getting the straight Human Centipede treatment, and you can fucking print that.

In an ominous reminder of the rapidly approaching day the terms of their agreement come due, Satan opened a massive sinkhole just outside Marm-a-Lago this morning.

While I've got your attention...Be honest, how many times did you watch that video of Melania slapping his grubby, orb-stained hand away? In slo-mo and all? Poor Donnie. Do they have pee hookers in Riyadh?

And then the Shart budget landed, and somehow it's crueler and more asinine than your already low expectations prepared you for, like that Independence Day sequel. Massive cuts to everything from farm subsidies to food stamps to children's health programs to federal employee pensions to meals on walls, all to finance enormous tax cuts for the wealthy, who will then, in their benevolence, create All The Jobs, instead of doing what they've done at every other point in human history, which is buy museum-quality paintings to eat triangle-shaped sandwiches off of, because fuck you, plebes.

(He wants to cut Habitat for Humanity, probably because he can't seem to find an FBI director who will bring him Jimmy Carter's head on a plate. There's actually a substantial increase in funding for something called "The Soylent Green Initiative," anybody know what that's about?)

He also proposed cutting the national debt by selling off half of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve, cuz it's not like there's any scenario where we might need some extra oil, right? Besides, Ben Carson wants to use the extra space to store grain.

Hey, speaking of money, have you seen all those stories about all the Big Expensive Lawyering Up all Pumpkin Spice Himmler's collaborators are going to have to do? When I think about Sessions and Bannon and Kellyanne and the rest going broke defending themselves, it brings a tear* to my eye. I'm particularly looking forward to hiring Stephen Miller to work as a dunk-tank clown for every birthday party I have for the rest of my fucking life.

(*A tear of raw, unrefined, motherfucking JOY.)

Late in the day, WaPo broke the news that Dorito Mussolini's obstruction of justice didn't stop with FBI Director Comey. Nah, seems he also asked DNI Dan Coates and Admiral Michael S. Rogers, head of the National Security Agency, to do him a solid and sweep that lil' ol' Russia story under the rug. And of course there are memos. Which are now being passed over to Special Counsel Mueller, TEE FUCKIN' HEE.

Friends, this might be controversial, but I don't think our President is very smart. He just stumbles around, asking every third dude he comes across to shut down all these investigations into, well, HIMSELF, without a single passing thought that anyone would mind, or that he might be breaking some very fat, thick, laws.

Shit, Toupee Fiasco spends so much time obstructing justice, you wonder when he finds time to golf.

And then fucking Manchester happened, and I don't have anything to say about that except...tell the folks you love that you love them, shit is fucking fragile.

On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences.

Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!

And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"

There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.

Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.

So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."

There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.

And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.

Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)

But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.

The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.

Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?

Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.

In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.

And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.

Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.

Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.

Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.

...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)

Late cuz of the hack, but holy hell the world is insane

Well folks, not to repeat myself, but...shit be cray.

The news continues to roll out like it was being written by John le Carr, chained to radiator in David Cronenberg's basement, subsisting entirely on moonshine and Sour Patch Kids.

Reeling from yesterday's tropical grade shit show, we were grateful to wake up to relatively little new breaking nonsense. Oh sure, the security detail of a visiting autocrat beat the living snot out of some American citizens right in Washington, and the Shart House didn't seem to mind, but shit like that isn't even gonna land on page six when you're competing with Putin and leakers and piss hookers.

The day was actually mostly quiet. TOO QUIET, you thought to yourself, terrified to say it out loud lest you conjure a push notification alerting you that our President had ordered an invasion of Portugal, because he couldn't find old episodes of Harry and the Hendersons streaming anywhere and Steve Bannon told him there were bootleg DVDs for sale in Lisbon.

The Hairplug That Ate Deceny gave the commencement speech at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. It was kinda fun to watch him all pissy and listless, struggling to read fancy words like "scourge" off the teleprompter for a bit, but I got bored and shut it off, which means I missed the part where he started whinging like Tonya Harding about how In All of Human History Ne'er Was A Man So Cruelly Mistreated Especially By the Media Which is Fake and Also it is Unfair That My Daughter Won't Let Me Touch Her Butt, Boo Fucking Hoo. He's so fragile. He's white and tiny and fragile and he melts away when facing the tiniest bit of heat. Like a snowflake. Yeah. Hey, somebody should make that a thing, "snowflake."

We had a laugh when Shrieking Canker Sore Alex Jones lost a fight with Yogurt, and had to tell the whole world what pathetic liar he is. The courts have been super mean to Lexie of late, prolly because all judges are lizard people or cucks or perhaps even Lizard Cucks, but it sure is fun watching assholes lose, ain't it?

Further schadenfreude was dispensed when the story broke about the GOP candidate in the forthcoming Montana special election owning a stake in a company that's accused of paying off ISIS. Yes, THAT ISIS. Mike Pence is out in Montana campaigning for a dude who owns stock in a company that gave money to ISIS. Anyway, how 'bout them Mets?

Also Robert Fisher, State Rep in New Hampshire, resigned in the wake of the revelation that he founded the "Red Pill" subreddit, which is like the hair catcher in your shower, except instead of your pubes it gets clogged with dickless man-children who can't handle watching women think and talk and have jobs, while they're too busy screaming racial slurs at strangers on Xbox Live to understand why their lives aren't awesomer.

We found out Il Douche appointed Sheriff David Clarke to a high level post in the Homeland Security department, possibly because Sebastian Gorka was tired of consistently being labeled Most Evil Fuck Amongst This Cadre of Evil Fucks, because Sheriff Dave is Stone Cold Evil, famous for such smash hit singles as "Advocating Violence Against Anyone Who Disagrees With Me," "A Mentally Ill Man Died My Jail Because We Didn't Give Him Water For a Week and Without Water You Die," and the timeless "Also a Baby Died in That Same Jail Literally a Baby Because We Denied Medical Care to a Woman in Labor WE KILLED A FUCKING BABY" and this monster is the kind of fellah the Marmalade Shartcannon believes should be in the federal government. While Sheriff Dave announced how happy he was to join Team Shart, the hiring doesn't seem to be official just yet, so maybe there's hope.

And then right about Happy Hour, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein popped up and said "Hey you guys, what've you been up to today? Did you have a nice lunch? Didja see that thing with those romper shorts things for guys? I think they're weird, but wear what you like, amiright? Oh, also I just appointed the former head of the FBI as the special counsel to investigate Shart Garfunkel and all his Russian buddies. SHIT ON MY REPUTATION, WILL YOU YOU MOLTEN SHERBERT GLOB? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? ROSENSTEIN OUT!" and he strode away shooting his middle fingers in the direction of the oval office like they were pistols and he was a cowboy, it was actually super cute.

Robert Mueller ran the FBI for twenty years, and stood up to the unconstitutional fucks in the Bush administration and knows his shit and for an extra nut punch to the Candycorn Skidmark, is buds with Jazzy Jim Comey. Basically he's the precise mathematical nightmare scenario of a special prosecutor, if you happen to be a certain over-tanned cheap crook who shall remain nameless. Rod apparently didn't tell the President or his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard about this until he'd already signed the order, and half an hour before he told the world. 118 anonymous sources inform me that the president "Pissed himself, cried, and began sucking his thumb."

We also learned from WaPo that Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy and however many other congressscum were talking about how they thought Putin was paying Trump waaaaaaay back last summer when skies were blue and Presidents didn't haphazardly give state secrets to Russian spies. The real kicker was that when WaPo called these scuzzbags up for comment, they were all indignant and cocky and "What a fake gnus lie, are you serious?" until the reporters said "No there is literally an audio recording of this conversation do you want to change your bullshit story?" and they went "Ummmmmmm...would you believe we were maybe joking around as Ryan and McCarthy are renowned for the humor, dude, Paulie has a tight five on starving single mothers to death," and the world said "No, and also the fact that you'd lie about something so petty means we can cite this story any time you tell us anything for the rest of your lives at THAT, you shits, is motherfucking FUNNY."

Oh, and back when we were young and innocent, remember when Sally Yates told us that she spent the waning days of her Acting Attorney Generalship waving her arms and saying "Hey Fuckheads, that Michael Flynn jag is no damn good and works for foreign powers and has probably broken some not-insignificant laws?"

WELL, a late-breaking NYT scoop reveals that long before AAG/Super Ninja Yates gave the heads up, FUCKING FLYNN HIMSELF TOLD EVERYBODY HE WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR BEING A FOREIGN AGENT AND SHARTBOY FUCKING HIRED HIM AS THE SHEEPFUCKING NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR ANYWAY.

Fuck. Can we impeach him for not being able to understand the entirely predictable consequences of literally anything? He's like Lennie in Of Mice and Men, only instead of crushing small animals to death, it's Democracy.

(As a fun side effect, this story seems to be the first one that snares Mike Pence in a big lie, don't fantasize about changing them Oval Office curtains just yet, you Puritan fuck.)

It also turns out that during the transition, Flynn worked to influence military decision-making in a manner that benefited Turkey, the very nation that WHOA HOW WEIRD happens to be the one that Lil' Mikey was foreign-agenting for (for half a million bucks) without telling anyone. SERENDIPITY I GUESS.

Anyway, the King of the Netherlands revealed that he has also been secretly working a side gig as an airline co-pilot for 21 years.

That's totally fucking true, by the way.

All of this is true. Sleep tight, fellow inmates in this asylum we call...America.

What the ever-loving hell is going on?

Well I wanted to rant a bit, but frankly there just hasn't been that much going on. Oh sure, we laughed at Team Shart sending known adulteress Callista Gingrich to Vatican City as the fucking ambassador, and there were a few more humiliating polls, but all in all, it's been so quiet you'd almost think we lived in normal times.

I mean, there was that one thing where WaPo told us that our President leaked highly classified information to Russian spies in an Oval Office meeting, but other than that, it's been kinda dull.

Betsy DeVos contin- WAIT WHAT? SWEET TITTYFUCKING CHRIST WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS HAPPENING? Please forgive any spelling errors from this point onward, as I'll be typing by pounding my head on the keyboard.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sprinkling meth on my avocado toast.

Yeah. It seems Littlefinger, desperate to impress the Russian spies and their totally unscreened camperspy who had to be giggling his ass off to have been granted access to the oval office, decided to strut about all the badass intelligence he gets, which DUH YOU ARE FUCKING PRESIDENT YOU LUMP OF CRISCO, and he figured they'd be extra impressed if he told them what the intelligence was, because maybe then he could invite them over to play Track and Field on Nintendo and his dad bought him the bigass floormat pad and it's really cool but nobody ever wants to hang out because he's a Big Fat Shart. So he gave them classified American secrets given by an ally earned at tremendous cost. Because of course he did.

The fit hit the shan more or less immediately. The usually rogue's gallery of sycophants stumbled out with the usual laughably unbelievable denials, which were met with deserved skepticism after the Comey firing shitshow last week.

Desperate for cover, they trotted out H.R. McMaster, the last member of the administration with any credibility, who proceeded to place said credibility in the center of room, light it on fire, and then have Russian hookers put the fire out by pissing on it. He bobbed and weaved and denied everything except what the WaPo story actually said, namely that our Idiot Manchild President haphazardly threw classified information at a hostile foreign power simply because He Wanted Them to Love Him Oh God Everyone Knows I'm Shit Why Does No One Love Me Why Did You Send Me To Military School Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, hoping that no one would notice, but unfortunately for H.R. literally every single living person noticed, and also no one will ever trust a single word you say for the rest of your life you sellout piece of trash.

And it got worse. By Tuesday afternoon, we'd learned that The Man Who Is Basically If a Big Mac Had an Id had actually disclosed "Code Word"-level classified information, which is like Double Secret Classification, so seriously major fuckup there. And then it turned out the intel came from an ally that hadn't granted permission to share it with other allies, let alone a Count Chocula cosplayer like Vladimir Putin.

And then it turned out that ally was Israel.

And so basically President Draft-Dodger/Valor Thief endangered the life of a highly-placed Israeli mole within ISIS just because he has a micropenis and spends 98% of his waking hours worrying that everyone around him notices that the bulge in his pants is conspicuously sock-shaped.

And yeah, this means that traditional American allies will be much less likely to share intelligence with us while this blundering nincompoop is in office, HOPE NONE OF US DIE CUZ OF THAT HAW HAW HAW. And yeah, we all read the stories where Israeli intelligence officials were all "Hey, that whole endangering-our-mole-what-do-you-think-this-shit-is-easy thing? MAJOR DICK MOVE."

The President of the United States did this. In what repeated pinch tests tell me is the actual real world.

Meanwhile, the folks over in the Right Wing Lunatic Media Bubba-uhl did their damndest to talk about anything except the Oops I Did It Again/I Fucked Up My Job story. On the fly, they concocted, out of tongue depressors, cotton balls and paste, an insane conspiracy theory about a DNC staffer being murdered because of Wikileaks or some shit, and they were literally talking about Vince Foster in prime time, trying to keep their army of rubes from picking up their phones and finding out what was actually going on in the world.

Doesn't seem to have worked.

As the story blew up, it became impossible to ignore. In an unprecedented rebuke, several Republican senators both hemmed AND hawed. John McCain wrote a Very Stern Letter, which is the opposite of doing Anything That Matters, but he wanted everyone to know that he is CONCERNED. Mitch McConnell bemoaned the DRAMA emanating from the executive because he would very much like to cut some rich dudes' taxes before retreating to his shell for an afternoon's hibernation, thank you very much. Basically they've all settled into a nice, comfortable "Trump can do anything and somehow people aren't rioting in the streets so fuck off" routine, because they are more slug than man now, and are kind of getting used to the idea of being painted as clownishly submissive villains in the history books, because the history books don't put the steak dinners on the table, after all.

In the background, John Cornyn and Gowdy Doody bowed out of consideration for the otherwise-enticing FBI director post, presumably because they don't want to die in jail shackled to Jeff Sessions.

And ok. So you're settling into the whole Russia boondoggle. You're stuffing your melted brain back into your skull through the ear canal, and maybe you're even chuckling at the prospect of SCROTUS giving a speech on Islam over the weekend. "It'll be like Bill Cosby addressing an EMILY's list fundraiser," you tell yourself, a trainwreck of historic proportions. Comedy!

And then you get dat NYT push notification. You pour yourself a pint. (Of vodka.) You strap on your bicycle helmet, and you read the fucker.

Oh no big deal. James Comey has a bunch of memos saying that Orange Julius Caesar asked him, "Hey, lay off the whole investigating-Mike-Flynn shit. Yeah, maybe he's a foreign agent and all that but c'mon, the Bro Code trumps that silly old U.S. Constitution, right?"

And the Holy-Sheepfucking-Crap-the-President-Got-an-Israeli-Intelligence-Agent-Killed Story, which was on the Mount Rushmore of Presidential Malfeasance stories, suddenly looks like a Ziggy comic in the middle of the newspaper, because we now have an OBSTRUCTION OF FUCKING JUSTICE HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF RICHARD NIXON YOU DOORKNOB story.

And the entire republican party disappeared like a wang in a cold pool. Team Shart issued a weak-ass denial, fully understanding that nobody anywhere trusts them to tell the truth about Who Farted let alone anything that matters. And, laughably, Fox News openly lamented, on-air, that they couldn't find anyone to fall on Donnie Darko's limp, tiny, sword.

Darrell Issa gave a reporter the finger. John McCain issued an even HARSHER statement (apologies to anyone who fainted at such risqu talk). And Jason Chaffetz pulled on his subpoenaing pants, laced up his subpoenaing boots, pulled out his subpoenaing pen (an actual pen, not a metaphor for his cock) and subpoenaed all the Shart House's docs on this debacle. Shit got all kinds of real, is what I'm sayin'.

(As a wacky little side note, the same NTY story mentions that SHARTUS also asked Comey to throw the journalists who publish all those embarrassing leaks into some gulag someplace, which at any other point in your lives would be the biggest news story of all time, but today you read it and went "of course he did," didn't you?)

There's more, of course, There's always more insanity nowadays. There was a new Manafort-related subpoena. There was a story about the Shart transition team doin' shady shit with classified information. And Sean Hannity is still pushing the Seth Rich "story," presumably because Mike Pence promised him he could be Viceroy of Montana after the bombs start dropping.

In conclusion, in my professional opinion...shit be cray, people. Shit be cray.

Absolute Batguano Insanity

The madness has gone into overdrive ever since the Dried-out Play-Doh Manatee decided he didn't need no stinkin' oversight and fired James Comey, and we're all just careening around the Wasteland in search of fuel and crullers these days.

Let's start with the dastardly act of deception perpetrated by the Russians in the very Oval Office itself! It seems a photographer from a Russian state-owned media agency took a photo of Drumpf with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and published it without American consent! "They tricked us," a White House official said, "They lie!"

Well, what sort of le Carr-worthy plot landed a Russian propaganda photojournalist, unscreened, carrying God only knows what other recording equipment, in the innermost sanctum of the executive branch?

Well y'see...Lavrov said "Do not worry about it, comrade, he is with me."

And every single person in the White House, up to and including the President, went "Sounds good, bro, come on in! You want a coke? We gots a button for it!"

Is this really all it takes to "trick" the guy with nuclear codes? Does Steve Bannon play "got your nose" with the President and make him sign executive orders before he'll give it back? Will he send the marines into Nigeria to rescue that prince that keeps e-mailing him?

(By the way, everybody's favorite Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak was in the meeting, too. We only know that because of the Russian photos, cuz the official White House readout doesn't mention it. Maybe he's like, invisible to republicans, or something?)

Anyhow, the Marmalade Shartcannon rampaged through a number of media interviews with the clear intent of getting himself involuntarily committed. He told the Economist that he invented the phrase "priming the pump," which was hilarious enough until we started digging around and learned he's filed trademark applications for a number of things, including "red baseball caps," "opposable thumbs" and "toast."

In an interview with Time, he ranted at length about a number of personalities on CNN and MSNBC, which then insisted he does not watch. He even called Stephen Colbert "filthy" before lamenting that no one seems to get close enough to him to grab by the pussy anymore. He also dropped a little gem about how he bombed Syria because he wanted the world to stop laughing at him, finally demonstrating why we don't let seventh graders vote. Or make military combat decisions.

But Holy Christ on Toast, the main even was his interview with NBC's Lester Holt, which can only be viewed as a housewarming gift to the inevitable impeachment prosecutors. He casually undercut the entire bullshit story that nobody believed anyway, but that his team had been furiously spinning for a day and a half about the Comey firing. "No, it wasn't Rosenstein, it was all me! ME AND MY NORMAL SIZED MAN HANDS CAN FIRE WHO I WANNA." He said he didn't fire Michael Flynn after finding about all his lying and foreign agenting because it didn't seem like a big deal and anyway BROS BEFORE HOS only instead of "hos" it's "the security and integrity of the United States and its citizens."

Oh, and he said he was thinking about the Russia investigation, which he whinged about being a "hoax" dreamed up as an "excuse" by Democrats (which it demonstrably is not), when he was making the decision to fire James Comey.

Which is a confession of obstruction of justice. On television.

In unrelated news, multiple sources are telling me everyone in the White House counsel's office has banded together in a death pact, and have begun making sacrifices to a television they've kept hidden from Reince Priebus so as to watch something other than Fox News; they call it Maddow-Ra, and claim it as their God.

Generally, the collapse of the excuses for the Comey firing, like a Jenga tower built from soggy Cheerios, was the day's overarching theme.

The initial story was that Rod Rosenstein, some sort of holy man of unimpeachable character who rode into the Justice Department on a horse made of pure light, took one look at the dastardly dealings of Mr. Comey and demanded he be cast out posthaste!

But Rowdy Roddy didn't like being made the jackass in this game of Pin the Blame on the New Guy, so he threatened to quit and demanded the record be set straight, which didn't seem to be a problem since Donnie Darko doesn't like to give the impression that anyone talks him into anything, as he is the Firer of the Fired.

The initial story was, hilariously, that it was Comey's conduct in the Clinton e-mail investigation that led to his dismissal.

But the Ravenous Swarm of Leakers That Drumpf Will Never Ever Ever Ever Be Able to Contain Ha Ha Ha Suck It Loser surfaced as you knew they would, with stories of Dorito Mussolini yelling at his teevee when Comey was on it talking about his traitorous ass being investigated, of requests for the FBI to investigate totally-not-illegal leaks of stuff that's just embarrassing because he's a fuckup who doesn't know how to do his job, of the President demanding "loyalty" from the dude in charge of investigating him, which is a totally reasonable thing to demand.

The initial story was that Comey had lost the confidence of the rank-and-file in the FBI.

But then everybody in the FBI, publicly and privately, was all, "No, he was an asshole, but he was our asshole and we actually love him so don't speak for us, you lying turdcakes!" and even I-guess-I'm-in-charge-for-a-few-hours-anyway acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe said "Nope. Lies."

But Substitute Spicey Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she has talked to countless thousands of FBI agents who were all "Fuck that Comey guy, you guys rule for firing him," and the White House press corp laughed at her and said "Yeah right, name two FBI agents," and HuckSands retorted "I will not, just trust me, when have I lied to you except at yesterday's press conference when every word out of my mouth has since been proven to be so much unfiltered bull?"

The initial story was that the Russia investigation is just an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot investigation, hardly an investigation at all really, but McCabe shat on that one too, and said "Oh boy is it a big investigation, getting bigger every day, it'll be going off to college before you know it, thanks for asking."

And of course there's the tiny detail that Comey seems to have asked for more money for the investigation right before he got canned, which is a ZANY coincidence, but Jeff Sessions sez it didn't happen and he's praying to the God of Racist Yokels Who Shouldn't Have the Jobs They Have that nobody else can back up Comey but bad news Beauregard, it looks that they can.

Fuck, actually all kinds of shit is leaking. Trump said "something was wrong" with Comey, Comey called him "Crazy," and Steve Bannon keeps putting post-it notes that say "Cuck" on Jared Kushner's back. WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT'S BEEN, AMIRIGHT?

The Shart was apparently planning a lil' visit to FBI headquarters, but he cancelled when he found out he'd be greeted with a Carrie-style shower, only with buckets of poo not blood. Heh.

Meanwhile Orange Julius Caesar's poll numbers continue to plummet. It turns out the American people hate the President, and they hate his Ass Face, and his Ass Health Care Bill, and his Ass Tax Plan, and his Ass Firing of the Guy Who Was Investigating Him.

Senate Republicans are reportedly worried that the whole "Presidential treason" thing might drag down their agenda, which, for those who forgot, is making the wealthy wealthier at the low low price of shortening the lifespans of the unwashed masses, who're really too unwashed and mass-y to deserve life anyway, right?

Of course the genuinely horrifying news of the day was President Skidmark creating a commission to "investigate" voter fraud, and placing reincarnated Cossack Kris Kobach in charge of it. Kobach's life's work is fabricating bullshit "studies" to keep non-white folks from voting so that Klan-leaning white dudes like Kris Kobach can have more pie, so maybe let's skip the commission and jump straight to the terrifying wave of voter suppression bills these assclowns will concoct to keep themselves in power.

Oh, and a journalist was arrested. In America. For asking HHS Secretary Tom Price a question. And Price was all "fuck yeah they arrested him, wasn't that rad?"

No, Tom Price. It was not rad.

Craziest day yet. And that's saying somethin'.

After dallying for a few days in the realm of the merely nutty, the news took a turn for for the poop-flingingly insane today, folks. What the walking hell is going on in this country?

Remember how we all gathered around our phones and tablets Sunday afternoon waiting for the French Presidential election results to roll in? Because this is what we do now, we tune in every few weeks to the hot new game show "Nazi, or Nah?" And thank god (or whatever the God of France is, some sort of large, rude, talking crepe, I imagine) they elected the one who isn't a Nazi and other countries were learning from our mistakes and we smiled and felt good and then we noticed that we were still only two minutes closer to the midterms.

Team Elephant hit the Sunday Shoz with the unenviable task of Pissing On America's Leg and Telling Us It's Raining, schilling their Growing Old is Only For the Rich bill, excuse me, the AHCA. Taking a page from Boss Shart's playbook, they've decided to just strap on a creepy smile and lie and lie and hope nobody ever notices. They insist that taking 800 billion dollars out of Medicaid won't lead to anyone losing insurance, that their so-small-they're-like-the-Trump's-fingers-of-health-care "high risk pools" will take care of everybody just fine despite the long observable history of high risk pools doing no such thing, that despite the billions in tax cuts bestowed upon the wealthy, somehow the wealthy are not getting a massive cut paid for by, y'know, stealing health insurance from millions of serfs.

And boy howdy, Republicans, from columnists to pundits to congressdemons are RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT that Democrats are out there telling everybody about the millions of people who will lose insurance and the thousands who would inevitably die. They are particularly angry at Jimmy Kimmel for his dastardly assertion that maybe a kid who happens to be born with serious health problems deserves a shot at a decent life, that CUCK. Newt Gingrich stood atop the holy mountain and, his voice shaking with self-regard, told us Jimmy is a terrible person for worrying about pre-existing conditions because babies can't be denied emergency care which is technically true but means exactly FUCKALL to a human being who has to navigate all those pesky non-baby years with a chronic health condition. (If you don't believe me, next time you get cancer, pop up at your local ER and tell 'em you want George Clooney to administer a six month chemotherapy regimen.) Y'see, in the old days, before the ACA, those folks had two options: 1) Find your way to the obscenely large amount of money necessary to treat their conditions over the course of their entire lives or 2) Die like the plebe scum they are.

Of course, while they're talking Big n' Tuff on the teevee, at home in their districts, the GOP congressmonsters are mostly just hiding. While 217 bravely cast their vote to destroy millions of their constituents' lives, it seems only 14 were brave enough to look those constituents in the eye at town halls on the current recess and explain why their lives are worth less than the donor class' summer homes. HUH.

Rod Blum, which seems to be the name of an Iowa congressman and not a hippie porn star, decided to make himself famous by bolting from an entirely tame interview like a cat running away from a vacuum store. Raul Labrador huffed and puffed and haughtily proclaimed, "Nobody dies because they don't have access to health care," which strikes me as a good way to get your ass good and righteously haunted by the ghosts of all the folks who died because they didn't have access to health care. Raul was so chastised for the blowback tohis heartless arrogance that he decided to announce a run for Governor of Idaho, which he will probably win, because Idaho. Sigh. Living Muppet Villain Paul Ryan spewed his usual bullshit about everyone having "access" to great insurance, in the way that everyone has "access" to Lady Gaga tickets and space tourism and custom-made sex dolls that look like Haley Barbour if that happens to be what you're into. It's all so much horseshit, but they seem to have faith that their constituents will keep on insisting that accurate coverage of the effects of the AHCA is FAKE NEWS right up until ten minutes after their last credit card gets maxed out and their respirator gets unplugged.

But then yesterday we all digitally gathered around capitol hill to watch Ninja Superhero Iron Chef Vampire Slayer Wandering Ronin Sally Yates drop the Mother of All Truth Bombs on the unspeakably corrupt cabal occupying our executive branch.

(Also in attendance was Adorably Cantankerous Old Fart Who Has Also Probably Killed Men With His Bare Hands James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence. Mr. Clapper spent some time clarifying terms like "unmasking" and "incidental collection" in attempt to calm down the rabid maniacs trapped in the right wing media bubble, I bet that worked out great, don't you?)

And Sally Yates acquitted herself quite nicely, thank you very much

The Republicans on the panel generally wanted to talk about anything except the shady Russian connections that so very very very very many members of the sitting Republican administration (Senator Al Franken did us the solid of listing them one after another with the punchline being that there were so very very many) seem to have, which is weird, don'tcha think?? So they tried to talk about the weather, or the Nationals, or ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA PLEASE GOD. Lindsey Graham, for example, was not so terribly upset that a foreign agent who lied about earning all them sweet sweet rubles held a very important national security post that he had no business holding, but GOLLY he had a bee in his bonnet that the American people found out about it! And he's a-plannin' to bring down the full power of his julep-soaked jowls on those damn dirty leakers who are clearly the real problem and not the Russians who interfered with our democracy.

John Cornyn of Texas scolded Miss Sally for forgetting her manners and standing up for the rule of law while the menfolk were busy stranding doctors in airports with their executive orders, and Yates not only threw up her middle fingers but threw 'em up sideways like she was in some Tarantino flick, and told him "I work for the constitution, not that Racist Orange Thumb in the White House and I am not scared of doddering old white dudes so if you wanna talk about how disappointed you are in me, you should know my last fuck is buried in an unmarked grave, SIR." Ted Cruz was particularly gleeful for the chance to trot out his phony preacher voice, since nobody cares what he thinks anymore since that time he couldn't even out-racist a reality TV host. He tried playing Fancy Impressive Senator man at Sally Yates by quoting a statute at her, but she quoted a more recent statute back at his doughy, punchable, Ted Cruz face, and so he ran away to cry in the Senate coat room about how spends his life kissing the ass of a man who insulted his wife and father.

Meanwhile, John Kennedy of Louisiana chose to use his time to raise awareness of what an unbearable asshole John Kennedy of Louisiana is.

The moral of the story is Former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates ain't nothin' to fuck with. She told the tale of warning the new administration about all the lawbreaking shenanigans Michael Flynn had been up to, and how they responded with stupid questions like "If everybody in the executive branch is lying to each other, what's the biggie anyway?" and she had to say "HAVING A NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR WHO IS SUSCEPTIBLE TO RUSSIAN BLACKMAIL IS NOT A GREAT IDEA YOU UNBELIEVABLE JAGOFFS."

An then they decided not to fire him anyway, despite all the lying and foreign agenting and whatnot, until the press got ahold of the story and they were all "fine, he's fired, but the real problem is that somebody told the press all this stuff, our corruption should be classified and shit."

(And we can also now more perfectly imagine the gut-busting laughter that greeted Michael Flynn's overtures for immunity. "HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHNoseriouslyyou'regoingtodieinjailHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH")

Meanwhile, Il Douche's racist-as-fuck Muslim Ban got its day in court. Now, Team Trump has tried to argue that they're not administering a religious test for immigration, which would most likely be unconstitutional, but ACLU lawyers keep using the dozens of instances of the campaign promising a Muslim ban against them, so far to great success. After being confronted about this in a Spicer briefing, somebody scrubbed the references to the Muslim ban from the Trump campaign website, like that would make the whole case fall apart, leaving the flustered ACLU types shaking their fists at the sky, cursing their wily foes for executing such a master stroke.

This has actually become a popular tactic all across the right this week, as both the Marmalade Shartcannon and his little Shartkins in congress have taken to erasing or rewriting their campaign promises, particularly on health care, on their websites. "Did you think we promised access to affordable health care? You must've misheard, we promised access to cold, unfeeling death. Your mistake."

We learned that FBI Director Gavrilo Princip, excuse me, "James Comey" told a bit of a fib when he testified under oath to congress that Madame Hilldawg forwarded All The Classified Emails to Anthony Weiner's dick-pick-dispensing machine, WHOOPSIES. Totally a coincidence that Comey's less-than-honest version gives him a sliver of ethical cover in blowing up the election and turning the nation over to a cabal of lunatic Ku Klux Klownsmen, INNIT? (When I wrote this paragraph earlier today, I thought it was all the Comey gnus fit to print, BOY WAS I WRONG.)

Oh, and the New Yorker published a piece, that said, among other things, that the most powerful human being on the planet believes that the human body is a "battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted" and that means that EXERCISE IS BAD FOR YOU AND WILL KILL YOU FASTER HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS SO FUCKING DUMB HOW DOES HE EVEN USE THE BATHROOM WITHOUT HURTING HIMSELF?

Anyhow, stung by his Yates-born smackdown, Donnie Darko decided to send a letter to congress signed by his mom saying he has no business ties with Russia plus the school cafeteria can't make him eat the vegetables on his tray if he doesn't want to, I GUESS THAT CLEARS UP THE RUSSIA STORY FOREVER. Never mind the thing that JUST broke where Eric "Inherited His Daddy's Brains" Trump bragged about all the millions of dollars in Russian money that finances their golf courses.

And Cud-Brained Spokesdoorknob Sean Spicer tried a little light smearjob on the Divine Miss Sally, but he fucked it up, literally citing "rumors" as his evidence, because Sean Spicer so stupid a man that the daily act of putting on pants is a life-threatening endeavor. He dropped a line about how happy President Scrotal Fungus was to have his Russia ties investigated, a statement destined to become fucking hilarious in just a few hours. I think maybe we should stop being so hard on Sean, and just applaud him for making it to work today without putting his underpants on over his suit.

(It was right around now that Team Shart's social media director started bragging about how he was going to post a video of Hillary Clinton's election night concession phone call, because that is something that mature adults who can be trusted to wield unchecked power do.)

Anyhow, right as cocktail time rolled around, SHARTUS fired the man heading the investigation in his campaign's ties to Russian intelligence agencies.

But then the Pence family introduced an adorable bunny who will be living in -WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? YES, I'M SCREAMING THAT AT MYSELF ALONE IN MY OFFICE WHY DO YOU ASK?

The President of the United States, Donald John "Twenty Pounds of Shit in a Ten Pound Bag" Trump, fired FBI Director James "Ok, so I fucked up the whole world, sue me" Comey, the dude in charge of the investigations into Team Shart's possible collusions with a hostile foreign power.

Turns out the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, not only recused himself from the Russia investigation, but reserved the right to also recuse anyone who might be tempted to actually conduct it. In a bit of satire so dark it'd make Oscar Wilde cry tears of blood, these malevolent tumors festering in Democracy's colon had the audacity to use Comey's handling of the Clinton/Abedin/Weiner's Peen e-mail debacle as the excuse for his termination.

Got that? At every opportunity, for months, Orange Julius Caesar has been lamenting Comey's decision to not prosecute his Democratic rival, but the day after Sally Yates testified in front of the whole world, suddenly Jolly Jim Comey had to go because of how mean he'd been to Hillary "Lock Her Up" Clinton.

Anyway, I'm sure the President will appoint a fair, impartial, replacement, who will shepherd the FBI's investigation with the diligence it demands.

And if you believe that, I'd like to tell you about the service I provide caring for your pets after the rapture. Payment due up front.

Leakers tell us that Tangerine Idi Amin went to the Justice department and was all "Will no one rid me of this troublesome FBI director?" (Just kidding, "troublesome" is way too high-school a word for Trump to use, I'm just making a history joke so that I come off smart), and Jeffy and his deputy (who I assume is a droopy-faced cartoon puppy with an oversized cartoon tin star, of course) were all too happy to provide the cover.

Needless to say, the whole word is going apeshit as I type this, except for the majority of congressional republicans, who somehow still expect us all to believe that is totally normal.

Senator John McCain expressed his "disappointment" in the firing before authorizing Lindsey Graham to cast his vote in absentia for whatever the fuck Donald Trump wants, because Johnny Mac talks like a Maverick but votes like a Company Man.

In the wake of tonight's breaking news, Barely-Perceptible Congressamoeba Tom Garrett told constituents at a town hall meeting that the currently sitting and serving President of the United States of America is "small potatoes compared to Nazi Germany," because that's the discussion we're having in our country tonight. The fucking NIXON LIBRARY is out there tonight tweeting about sure, Tricky Dick was a scumbag, but he never pulled shit like Trump's pulling.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, goonspawn/deputy press secretary, went on Fox to present the novel theory that everybody should just "move on" from the Russia thing, which injects an almost-charming navet into tonight's madness. Literally while Huckabee Sanders was speaking, news broke that prosecutors were subpoenaing a number of Michael Flynn's associates, so my guess is Sarah doesn't get her wish.

Oh, and Antonio Sabato Jr. is running for congress. Isn't that just a ZANY-ASS LITTLE STORY? ISN'T LIFE JUST WACKY THESE DAYS? ANTONIO SABATO JUNIOR WHO WOULDA GUESSED?

If anybody needs me, I'm the guy in a bathrobe hosting a little tea party for his cat, a Spider-Man action figure, and an autographed 8 x 10 of Judge Reinhold. WE'RE ALL CRAY HERE.


The GOP tripping over themselves to show us all just how much they hate the American people

Well, the GOP decided to throw a little theme party this week, and the theme was CRUELTY. Stung by all those You Ain't Done Shit About Shit 100 days pieces, everybody from the lowliest wannabe Klansman serving on a small town school board to the dead-eyed demons occupying the highest perches of political power decided to show the country just what the Republican Party is all about: the vengeful, destructive hatred of everyone who disagrees with them. There was punch, a piata that turned out to a DREAMer, and a rousing game of musical chairs where a group of plebes with kids who were born with genetic diseases competed believing the winner would get health insurance, but when there was just one chair left Paul Ryan took it away and everyone laughed and toasted with champagne that costs more than most folks' rent.

The big story remains the House Republican Caucus' efforts to find the precise number of American lives they can get away with destroying in order to pass their Die, Taker Scum bill, excuse me, the "AHCA."

Last night, Jimmy Kimmel gave a moving monologue on his show about the life-threatening heart condition afflicting his newborn son, pointing out that this brand new human doesn't deserve a life of constant illness and terror and financial hardship just because of the way he was born, and a number of Republican commentators jumped down his throat because now all the parents are gonna want all the sick children to live and money doesn't grow on trees and keeping sick kids alive means the Koch brothers will only be able to sprinkle gold leaf on their breakfast oatmeal six days a week YOU RIFFRAFF.

Meanwhile, a group of so-called "moderates" led by Bloated Shitweasel Fred Upton engaged in some genuinely grotesque political theatre, beating their breasts over the plight of Americans with pre-existing conditions, who, under a new amendment brokered by the bloodthirsty maniacs of the Freedom Caucus were granted the Freedom to have insurance they can't afford, which is supposed to be a greater Freedom than the one they already have, which is insurance they CAN afford, DON'T FUCKING ASK ME, THIS IS WHY I'M NOT REPUBLICAN.

Shitweasel Upton's grand scheme is to throw the change from America's sofa into a "high-risk pool," offering about enough funding to secure 42 hours worth of insurance plus a two-for-one-coupon to Chick-Fil-A to the millions of people this bill would leave out in the cold. And of course everyone's pretending that we never tried high risk pools before, and that they weren't proven to be about as successful as the fucking XFL.

Anyway, these rampaging assholes seem hellbent on ramming this bill through the House before the people can see what's in it, and before the CBO can score it, because maybe they think tomorrow never comes, I guess? Like, if they stick their fingers in their ears and hum the Andy Griffith theme as loud as they can, nobody will ever learn how many early graves they're so gleefully digging?

Everybody hates the bill, doctors groups, hospital groups, insurers, patients groups, the AARP, the AMA, the AHA, the March of Dimes, lions, tigers, bears, and oh yeah, American citizens who don't want their government to kill them. Everybody's all bent out of shape over the silly notion that the federal government shouldn't be actively working to usher in the early deaths of its constituents, the CUCKS.

Anyway, look for these fucks to get straight to work on some voter suppression laws, cuz the midterms are now set to be biggest toilet flush in American history. "I was just concerned that too many of my constituents lived without the life-enriching constant fear of medical bankruptcy" seems like a less-than-inspiring campaign slogan.

Oh, and in the midst of processing all the senseless suffering the AHCA would inflict on countless millions, it can easy to forget that the whole thing is being done simply to give a massive tax to the wealthiest people in the country. Don't.

Also, we discovered Michigan Governor Rick Snyder's entry for this evening's Sadism Pagent. See, Rickie decided to cut off the subsidies for the Flint residents who were having trouble paying their monthly water-but-it's-actually-poison bills, and so there are a bunch of families who're having their homes foreclosed on because they fell behind on paying for the lead-ridden sludge that will fuck up their children's entire lives, but don't worry, that's a pre-existing condition so you'll go into a high-risk pool and you'll get a free lollipop to go with the brief, pain-filled life your Republican government gave you so that it could save a few bucks by not making sure your water wasn't poison. YAY CONSERVATISM.

Meanwhile, we learned that our Marmalade Shartcannon President, who can't be bothered to learn the contents of the bills he's trying to pass, became personally involved in the quest to hunt down the modern day Benedict Arnold who tweeted the dastardly state secret that the Shart's inauguration wasn't as well-attended as that of his predecessor, duh, because we all fucking hate him so very very much.

Speaking of things the Idiot Manchild doesn't know, he gave a little a TED talk about how easy it'll be to work out an Israel/Palestine peace deal, because I guess nobody tried real hard before. But fear not, he's outsourcing it to his son-in-law, because Jared was able to do the one thing Donnie Darko has always wanted to do but hasn't been able to (NUDGE NUDGE FUCK IVANKA) so he must be the greatest dealmaker of all time.

After barely pulling off the fucking Easter Egg Roll, the Shart House has decided it needs a golf break, and so it canceled the annual Cinco de Mayo celebration in favor of lurking around courthouses waiting for undocumented immigrants to report domestic violence.

Dr. Ben Carson popped up to talk about the Most Lamentable Tragedie that people who live in public housing may occasionally enjoy a passing minute or two during their lives, and aren't regularly flogged for their sins, because it was Cruelty Day, and Dr. Ben is a company man.

Sleepwalking Skeksi Rex Tillerson held a meeting trying to boost morale at the State Department in the wake of the news that he's planning to trim 2,300 employees from our diplomatic corps without understanding fuckall about what any of them do. I'm told it didn't go well.

Unwilling to be outdone by all them fancy Washington elites, the grassroots got in on the cruelty action, as a Mississippi funeral home decided not to honor an agreement to cremate a dead fellah cuz the dead fellah liked kissing other fellahs when he was a not-dead fellah, because after all Jesus spends most of the Bible talking about how God mostly wants us to be dicks to people who are grieving.

We also got the news that the Justice Department, led by the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, has declined to prosecute the officers involved in the Alton Sterling shooting, because everybody knows there ain't nuthin' atawl illeguhl about shootin' a fellah who's bein' restrained by a couple of law enforcement officers, if'n the fellah happens to be a colored fellah.

Besides, the Justice Department has their hands full prosecuting 61-year-old women for the High Crime of laughing at ol' Beauregard.

Ok, you got me, that one's too ridiculous, too over-the-top, too Villain-in-an-Alan-Moore-comic to possibly be- wait, what? That was REAL LIFE ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?

NOPE! Jeff Sessions used his position as our nation's chief law enforcement officer to bring the hammer down on a protester who laughed when somebody suggested that ol' Beauregard had a history of treating of all Americans fairly, which is objectively laughable since Jeff was previously found to be Too Racist For the 80's. Anyway, the protester was convicted (along with two others) and faces a fine and up to a year in jail, which is a totally normal thing that happens all the time in America, RIGHT?

There was a whole thing with James Comey, too, God fuck him eternally with a potato masher. I guess he said he gets a tummy-ache when he thinks about his role in turning the keys of government over to band of blisteringly incompetent white supremacist assclowns. POOR JIMMY.

...shit be cray.

Another day in the asylum our country has become

I don't know if you've heard, y'all, but Shit be Cray.

The first hundred days mark has come and gone, and the Candycorn Skidmark gave a bunch of interviews, trying to pitch the American public the idea that what had been keeping America from being Great Again was too many national parks and too little coal ash in our drinking water. Instead, he reminded everyone what a horrifyingly perfect collision of malicious stupidity of unearned self-regard he possesses, like a Reese's cup of Qualities You Don't Want in an American President. He assured us his health care bill would do something that it demonstrably does not do, spewed some nonsense about Andrew Jackson and all the slaves he owned preventing the Civil War, and MY favorite, on being confronted with his horseshit accusations of being wiretapped by his predecessor, petulantly ended the interview, saying "I don't stand by anything," which should be the banner on his family crest (Which is a picture of a fat asshole golfing while everyone laughs at his tiny, tiny hands).

Also, the Man With a Cancer-filled Scrotum For a Heart continues to reshape America's foreign policy like a guy getting a little too into playing Germany in a game of Axis & Allies. Having insulted the leaders of Germany and Italy to their faces in front of the media during their White House visits, Il Douche heaps praise on autocratic monsters like The Philippines' Rodrigo Duterte, who has turned his country in a murder-ridden hellhole, and Turkey's Tayyip Erdoğan, who is such a good friend to our nation he just had a bunch of our closest allies in Syria killed. Hell, Donnie even talked about how "honored" he'd be to meet Kim Jong Un, because undermining decades of unified international isolation of that lunatic regime without giving a fleeting moment's thought to the consequence is JUST HOW HE ROLLS, BITCHES!

For reasons you'd need a small army of psychiatric professionals to explain, the House GOP continues to attempt to whip votes for the Mass Murder of the America Poor Act, or what they'd have you call the "AHCA." To placate the rabies-infected clown car known as the Freedom Caucus, Paul Ryan added some "sweeteners" to the bill, if "sweeteners" means "human corpses." The new version is even grosser and more needlessly pain-inflicting than the original, kind of like the Anne Heche PSYCHO remake, only you die instead of just wanting to for a couple hours. What's extra-strange about all this is these twits have ample evidence available to them that the American people don't want them to take away millions of folks' health care (HUH) and will punish them electorally if they keep trying to. It's like watching a dude hit himself in the temple with a ball peen hammer over and over, wondering why it isn't teaching him how to play the bassoon. Anyway, the "no" votes keep piling up, so it looks like the Freedom Caucusers are gonna wind up with blue balls again, so they'll just have to get together in Ted Cruz's basement to circle jerk to the chapter in The Grapes of Wrath when Jim Casy gets killed.

Former Castle Garden Gnome Brought to Life By a Witch's Curse Who Then Went Into the World to Make His Fortune Laundering Money for Russian Oligarchs and Wasn't Around When the Beast's Curse Was Lifted and Thus Has Been Unable to Regain Human Form Wilbur Ross, who is our Commerce Secretary for some reason, told a super funny joke about how launching the air strike on Syria was super-fun after-dinner "entertainment" at Marm-a-Lago, and it was especially great because "it didn't cost the President anything," HAW HAW HAW, except that it cost all us chump taxpayers tens of millions of dollars and the Syrian Air Force was launching strikes from the base we hit less than a day later, so they joke was apparently on us HAW H...heh...hee?

The best news this week has been the spending bill, which, despite Republican control of the entire government, looks more like Democratic budget than it has any right to. The team that worked out the compromise took Mr. Big Bad Negotiator, Mr. Shart of the Deal's Big Important Budget Proposal and put in on rolls for the Capitol Hill restrooms. Then they took Fake Wonk Paul Ryan's document, looked at all the things he wanted, and just said "Nah," over and over until he disappeared in a puddle screaming "What a world, what a world." If negotiations ever got too heated, Chuck Schumer would just hold up a cheap paper mask on a popsicle stick of Mark Meadows' face and remind "Speaker" Ryan that he was welcome to try to find enough republican votes to pass his bill. They kept Planned Parenthood's money, gave Drumpf much smaller increases than he wanted and blocked the majority of his proposed cuts (to say nothing of genuinely important funding for coal miners' health care and for Puerto Rico). They even secured INCREASES in funding for the NEA and NIH because FUCK YOU DONNIE THAT'S WHY.

Most hilariously, they insisted on language that says "By the way, under no circumstances is anybody allowed to use one thin dime for any Mexican border walls any spraytanned dickheads might be thinking about building." And they're gonna make that Assclown sign it.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Like, Chuck and Nancy are gonna march that bill into the Oval with Mitch McConnell on a leash with a ball gag in his mouth, Schumer's gonna stinkpalm him, and everybody'll take selfies with Shartboy holding the page that says NO WALL MONEY, FUCKO, and then Steny Hoyer's just gonna whip it out and piss right in the middle of the fucking room, and as they're walking out they'll draw everybody's attention to a rider nobody mentioned before that says Steve Bannon has to do the truffle shuffle before he's allowed in the building from now on. And just before she leaves, Pelosi'll say, without even facing him, "You can sit at the Resolute Desk, but that don't make you President, Son."

In the background, suddenly everybody from Pelosi to Samantha Bee is talking about how much they miss George W, which makes you wonder if, in a decade or so, Republican voters will deliver us into the arms of some monstrous fuckstick who'll make us long for these days of nonstop careening madness. It'd have to be some drunken, illiterate, Volcano God who demands regular human sacrifices, I guess.

And every couple of weeks, the Washington Post will track down some yokel who just had his wife and daughters tied to a stone slab and bled out, and he'll say "That Volcano God tells it like it is, man. Plus he promised me a high paying job. And a slave."

Still More Madness

Oh wow. I don't usually do these on back-to-back days, but the news kept coming at me today like a tommy gun full of bat guano, so let's all tear our clothes off and run naked through the poppy field that is the news these days.

We started with the national media picking up last night's story about the Marmalade Shartcannon seeking a review of the last 21 years' worth of national park designations, with an eye on reversing a few. Seriously, he wants to UN-DESIGNATE SOME FUCKING NATIONAL PARKS. Oddly, rather than being the plot of a Muppet film, this turned out to be objective reporting on the actions of the President of the United States. Hey, maybe you want to preserve our nation's natural beauty for your kids and grandkids, but the dudes in Rex Tillerson's poker game don't have quite enough mad money for recreational space travel, so FUCK YOU.

In the meantime, we gaped in horror as Wyoming Senator Mike Enzi told a group of high school kids that if a fella dressed in lady clothes walked into a room full of red blooded Murican Man-Men, that would be a super UNCIVIL thing to do, and if that made a gang of neanderthals gang up and Matthew Shepard him, well, what did he expect with his shameful lack of civility. Issuing a non-apology later in the day, Enzi claimed he was just trying to promote respect, and well, considering Mikey's long anti-LGBT history, he probably actually believes he's being unnaturally courteous in not setting up Chechen-style concentration camps in his home state's wide open spaces. Anyhow, Enzi is one of those fucks who usually quietly blends into the pasty-white GOP background, but don't forget he's just as big a raging fuckhead as a loudmouth like Ted Cruz.

There was also the thing where the nominee for Army Secretary threw a little hissy fit over the tricksy liberal conspiracy to paint him as a "hater" by quoting him saying incredibly hateful things. Over and over. For like, his entire adult life. Honestly, what are we coming to, where a man's own lengthy history of hate speech can be used to make him look bad? SOMETHING SOMETHING ANN COULTER SOMETHING SOMETHING FREE SPEECH.

Meanwhile, some soulless monster named "Tom MacArthur" seems to have drafted an amendment to the Mass Murder of the American Poor Act - excuse me, the "AHCA" finally cruel enough to placate the feral hyenas of the Freedom Caucus. It would allow red states to return to the bad old days of allowing insurers to sell plans that don't actually provide any practical insurance coverage, and to make insurance for the older and/or sick so expensive that those who need it most will be able to afford it least, though they'll still have ACCESS WINK WINK in the same way everybody has access to buying yachts and gold toilets and talking monkey cyborgs. Anyhow, Mark Meadows and company have declared the amendment to be Sufficiently Bloodthirsy, and now we have to see if the Tuesday Group centrists are more afraid of the raving Tea Party lunatics or the Hey-Please-Don't-Kill-Us types in their home districts. Obviously, the morality of stealing health care from millions of Americans is unlikely to be a factor in the calculus of these so-called "moderates."

Word is, Il Douche wants a vote on the bill by Friday, cuz he's frantically scrambling around looking for first-100-days accomplishments to clutch in his tiny, tiny hands. To that end, he released his much-anticipated foray into the insanely complex realm of tax reform, a single-page memo that says "Hey, cut every tax anybody with my last name has to pay, WOW ISN'T THAT A FUCKING COINCIDENCE, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS I'D GET TO KEEP, WEIRD, HUH?" This includes, among other oligarch fertilizer, full repeals of the estate tax and the alternative minimum tax. Did you forget that thing when Rachel Maddow showed us the Shart's taxes? And he paid the AMT, without which he would have paid practically nothing? Yeah, google that. And no, of course Toupee Fiasco won't release his taxes! Then you'll know EXACTLY how much he's trying to steal from roads and cancer research and the military!

That his big tax plan got rolled out by a couple of Goldman Sachs alums and mostly benefits the ultra-wealthy and corporations is pretty weird, what with all the swamp-draining that I'm told has taken place.

Speaking of panicked attempts to earn extra credit before the end of the term, The Candycorn Assclown seems to be about to sign an executive order withdrawing from NAFTA, without really examining the consequences or consulting with anyone who would stand to be affected. This is just coke-fueled, insecure, "Fuck you, Obama, I'll bet YOU didn't dissolve any multi-national trade agreements in YOUR first 100 days" governing. Apparently there is another one of them "Competing Power Center" arguments going on, with some folks screeching "BURN THE WHOLE FUCKER DOWN" and others going "Or maybe think about it for a day or two first?" Because this is how our government works now, SLEEP TIGHT.

Oh, by the way, EPA head Scott Pruitt is about to violate the Hatch Act, appearing at a political fundraiser in his home state of Oklahoma, which is illegal in no small way. Under any other president, that'd be a massive scandal and front page news, but even you, reading this right now, are like "Hatch Act Schmatch Act, get to the good stuff!" Along the same lines the Failing New York Times published a story about Jared Kushner's business entanglements with another criminal billionaire, but he didn't turn out to be Russian, so we all went "ho-hum."

Anyhow, the Shart o' the Deal had made some threats about not making some important Obamacare payments, to show off how he's a Big Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything, but Democrats said "Well, then good luck trying to pass your spending bill without any of our votes, SPOILERZ YOU CAN'T" and so Mr. Super Deal Maker totally backed down again without getting anything he wanted, which he seems to do an awful lot for someone whose speciality is the making of deals, don'tcha think?

Littlefinger also threw a tantrum about the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals holding up his sanctuary cities order, which it didn't (it was a lower court), and we all laughed at his childish mistake until he started talking about breaking up the 9th, and we were all reminded "oh yeah, he's a wannabe fascist dictator who'll bulldoze the fundamental pillars of American democracy if we let him." And then we put on our Resistin' Pants, and said "Over my dead, checks-n'-balances-lovin' body, you Rectal Tumor!"

Speaking of La Grande Sharte's fascist tendencies, Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly announced the opening of an office to specialize exclusively in demonizing immigrants by drawing extra attention to victims of crimes perpetrated by undocumented immigrants. Now, nobody wants to bring Nazis into these things, but this is exactly what the Nazis did, just with Jews, back in the day, and it is an absolute horror. Side note, I don't see any rush to assign special status to the victims of the racist shitsacks riled up by the President's two-year-long White Supremacist Hate Tour.

Also, White House advisor and Very Real Fascist Sebastian Gorka seems to have a Very Fake PhD, which is kind of funny until you realize that not only is he a white supremacist advising the President of the United States, but that he probably doesn't even crack the Top Three White Supremacists Currently Serving in the U.S. Executive Branch. BARF.

Later, Team Shart made quite a show of inviting the entire Senate to the White House for a briefing on North Korea. They don't seem to have offered any new policy or any new information, and Senators reported the briefers were evasive and uninformed when pressed to go deeper than their initial talking points. This shouldn't really surprise us; this administration briefing the U.S. Senate on foreign policy must be sort of like That One Douchey Guy Who Plays John Mayer Songs at College Parties briefing Pete Townshend on guitar playing.

Anyhow, if you can somehow follow all the madness of the news these days, you can even spend some time checking in on the weapons-grade insanity of the Alex Jones custody trial, which is like the deleted scene on the DVD of The News that had to be cut from the theatrical release in order to avoid an NC-17 rating. I started to read a little, but then I noticed all my targeted internet ads were suddenly for helmets and straight jackets, so I decided to check some sports scores instead.

There's more. There's always more. There's Moore. Roy Moore, possibly the Most Bigoted Man In Alabama, is apparently running for the Senate, for Christ's sake! But I'm about to go stone blubbering insane, so I'm out.

Shit be cray, folks...shit be cray.

Another day, another descent into madness.

The Ostomy Bag With a Dead Tabby on Top occupying the Oval Office is pitching fits this week, because he's creeping up on the very special day when every Televison network/Newspaper/Blog/Child Drawing on the Tablecloth With Crayons will publish identical pieces, all titled "We Knew He Was a Twit, But Seriously If We'd Elected a Half-Empty Can of Mello Yello President It Would've Achieved More In Its First 100 Days." He tried the "Aw, nobody cares about the dumb ol' first 100 days anyway," tactic, somehow hoping no one would notice the video footage of the dozens of times he promised to Solve All the Problems and Create All the Jobs and also invent a delicious chocolate cake that burns fat and cures cancer and whispers BOMB SYRIA in the voice of a sultry Russian spy, all in, ahem, his first 100 days.

Word is, he's been tugging on Paul Ryan's sleeve saying "Hey, I know you're busy hunting the poor for sport and all, but is there any chance you could pass a comprehensive health care bill this week? Why this week? Oh, no reason."

Flailing about for accomplishments beyond Turning Our Rivers Into All-the-Coal-Ash-You-Can-Drink Bars and Showed Kid Rock My Cool New Desk, Tangerine Idi Amin decided he was gonna put on his deal-makin' pants and get his big stupid wall built! Mustering all his fearsome negotiating might, he said "Mr. Schumer, pay for this wall! Or I will withhold crucial ACA payments, blowing up the insurance market and stripping health insurance from millions of Americans!"

Chuck Schumer then pinched himself fifteen times to make absolutely sure this was really happening in the real world. Was this clown really saying "gimme what I want or I start letting working class folks die from treatable ailments?" Did he somehow forget the humiliating defeat just weeks ago of the Trumpcare bill, sunk because the American people got righteously fightin' mad that the GOP was trying to take health care away from millions? Was Dorito Mussolini really threatening to do THE VERY SAME FUCKING THING HE WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY SHIT ON FOR JUST THE OTHER DAY? Well, if the President was so hell-bent on running face first into the same glass door he had just run into, what could Chuck do except buy some popcorn, set up a lawn chair, and laugh his ass off?

With no chance whatsoever of success, Drumpf backed off his demands today. And so the Shart of the Deal, the dude whose whole pitch was "Hey, I might a racist creep but I'm the best at deals," has utterly and completely failed in his only two attempts to cut deals with congress. His attempts to cut deals have yielding precisely Nothing He Wanted. He has a zero per cent success rate at dealmaking as President. He has exactly as many deals as there are good Transformers movies.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Word is, Donnie Darko is thirsty to move on to tax reform, floating a massive reduction in a certain type of corporate tax allllllll the way down to 15%. That this would result in the President pocketing a fuckton more money than he currently can is surely a coincidence, and the dishonest media is FAKE NEWSING by pointing this out, but seriously, does this assclown really imagine that using the power of his office to pass a giant cut to his own personal taxes will go well? I'm setting up a chair next to Chuck Schumer.

But Team Shart's bumbling ineptitude certainly hasn't been limited to legislation. When the Time/Life set of Trump's Biggest Fuckups comes out in a few years, I think we'll all smile nostalgically when we remember such hits as Telling a Purple Heart Recipient "Congratulations," or Having the Unbridled Temerity to Give a Hollow Statement at a Holocaust Remembrance Event After Embracing White Nationalism And Dragging His Feet Condemning Anti-Semitic Terror Acts And Also Refusing to Condemn David Duke For Weeks, or my personal favorite, I Got the Best Ratings Since 9/11. Determined to cement his image at a comic book supervillain, he's even ordered a revue of 21 years worth of national park designations with an eye on reversing a few, because he's FUCKING ANTI NATIONAL PARK TOO? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DOES THE NEXT EXECUTIVE ORDER ABOLISH CUPCAKES AND PUPPIES?

Anyhow, Princess Invanka went on a little German vacation to play diplomat, because actual diplomatic experience is a disqualifying trait these days, and it went as well as you'd expect. She tried to talk about how super rad her dad is for women, and the Germans in attendance went B (Which is German for "Boooo"), we all know he is a pssy-grabbing piece of shit you don't fool us, and also what the fuck is up with this "My daughter is also my advisor despite the whole No Relevant Experience thing? And she was all "Oh, I'm figuring out as I go along, isn't that cute," and the Germans were like "N it is not cute, you are all horrible." Oh and later it turned out that the Duchess of Nepotism's clothing line is produced by sweatshop workers, because of course it is.

Speaking of Diplomacy, Meandering Sleepwalker/Somehow the Actual Secretary of State Rex Tillerson apparently set up a meeting with African Union Chairperson and just...decided he didn't wanna, or forget about it cuz he got swept up in a MATLOCK marathon or something, resulting in no meeting and some seriously pissed off African diplomats. I don't know that it's fair to get mad at ol' Rex for this, though...it's not like it's his job to oversee our entire nation's diplomacy or anythOH WAIT.

Chief of Staff Rinse Pubis (I'm pretty sure that's his name, right?) tried to blame Democratic obstruction for his boss failing to nominate anyone to fill the eleventy-million open executive branch jobs, which is of course insane, but barely merits a mention in the general Shit Circus in the Middle of a Flaming Sharknado we all apparently live in now.

Meanwhile, advisor Sebastian Gorka tantrumed out of a panel at Georgetown because the students called him a Nazi for the TOTAL BULLSHIT reason that he's a Nazi. Indiana Jones is gonna catch up to you one of these days, Sebastian.

Polling continues to be an perpetual-motion-nut-punching machine for Il Douche. He and his team and his agenda (especially his health care bill and his big stupid wall) keep getting less and less popular, while Obamacare, and even IMMIGRATION (suck it Jeff Sessions) are gaining ever more fans. But of course all polls are fake gnus, except that one that showed a sturdy majority believes his hands are totally normal-sized.

Eager to show what a Big Strong Boy he is, especially having backed off his tough guy talk on labeling China a currency manipulator, the Idiot Manchild decided to pick a trade war fight with Canada over softwood lumber. Now, the U.S. National Association of Home Builders tells us that the new tariff will lead to a $1,300 increase in the construction cost of new single-family homes, and cost the industry more than 4,500 full time jobs. But hey, if that increases the cost of YOUR house, or costs you YOUR job, well you can just join those who make their living in the tourism industry and those in industries that rely on undocumented immigrant labor to keep costs down on the Go Fuck Yourself Bus; the President wants errybody to know what a Badass Hater of Furreners he is, and if you have to pay for it with a hit to your bank account, well FUCK YOU.

And then a federal judge blocked another executive order, the one that tried to strip funding from cities that refused to turn their police forces into an immigrant round-up Gestapo. My sources tell me that the Attorney General, our President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard, was so upset on hearing this news, he wouldn't even play with his favorite chew toy (probably a stuffed animal of some non-white cartoon character) and wandered out onto the White House lawn to howl mournfully at the moon.

And OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT the steady drip drip drip of the Russia scandal filled up another pail this morning, as it turns out our old chum Mike Flynn broke the law in hiding payments from Russians so bad that even lame dick Jason Chaffetz has a problem with it. At least now we know why Mikey was slinking around asking "I can haz immunity?" a few weeks back. Good luck with that, dirtbag.

There's more madness, of course, from the Shart promising a Mars landing to one of his state campaign officials being charged with sex trafficking a minor to Alex Jones being sued by a fucking yogurt company, but there's really only so much of this anyone can take without their brain melting through their ears and running screaming into the night. So forgive me if I missed anything.
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