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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 532

Journal Archives

Hey, I Think My Blog's About to Become Illegal in Florida, Neat! (Ferret)

It’s been one of those fuck-you-for-living-here winter weeks in Chicago, and since Omicron hasn’t quite moved on, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to crawl under some fluffy-ass blankets, and experiment with hot cocktails. Despite such lovely intentions, between the shrill, unceasing squeak of my apartment building’s heating unit, pulsing Edgar Allan Poe-ly outside my office window, and the steady stream of wingnut fuckery in my news feed, I have instead gone quite mad. The toddies have been nice, however.

(This post awaits with cutting-edge technology like “color” and “links” here: https://showercapblog.com/hey-i-think-my-blogs-about-to-become-illegal-in-florida-neat/)

Before we dive into the deep end of the septic tank, let’s pop by the demented day care center known as the “House Republican Conference” real quick, shall we? Ah. I see Dan Crenshaw pitched a fit at a 10-year-old girl, Madison Cawthorn figured a Veterans’ Affairs Committee hearing was an appropriate setting to fiddle with his firearm, and Lauren Boebert hilariously accused a group of Jewish visitors to the Capitol of conducting “reconnaissance.”

…America, as you flirt with the idea of handing control of the United States government to this meth lab clown show, just…I mean, caveat freaking emptor, y’know?

A welcome victory in the war against disinformation, as the odious hate-mongers of One America “News” Network got booted off DirecTV, a potentially cataclysmic  deplatforming. Good. Fuck you. Say hi to Milo Yiannopoulos for me, when you finally hit pavement in whatever slum of obscurity you shitbags wind up in once you’ve lost the ability to monetize your bile. Hey, DO FOX NEXT.

I hope the future alien anthropologists picking through the ruins of our garbage civilization make note of the annual right-wing ritual observed this week; the ceremonial contortion of Martin Luther King Jr. quotes by the growing-more-white-supremacist-daily Republican Party is, in my opinion, perhaps the most fascinating of 21st-century conservatism’s admittedly primitive traditions.

Like…who do y’all think you’re fooling?* Even Mitch McConnell, who’s normally a Jedi master when it comes to keeping the bullshit straight, can’t stop himself from stamping an asterisk onto the end of the term “African-American.” You fucks can butcher public school curriculums wherever you’re able, but you cannot conceal what you’ve become. “Racism isn’t real HEY PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE UNAPOLOGETIC WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR CAUCUS.”

Still, they’re really betting heavy on this critical race theory tantrum, aren’t they? On a certain level, I respect the honesty of confessing the only way to create new generations of Republican voters is to indoctrinate children with ridiculous falsehoods, but it’s still straight-up Nazi shit. Don’t forget that.

I mean, Ol’ Glenn Youngkin planted that fashy little flag on day one. “In MY state, we LIE to our kids!” sez Glenn. Good thing Election Day happened to land right in the middle of that two-week inflation scare, now this malicious dolt gets to be Governor for four whole years. Oh, and say goodbye to blue state Covid rules, (the ones that, y’know…work) let’s give the Tate Reeves approach a try; it’s bread n’ funerals, not circuses, a death cult craves.

And down in DeSantistan, the Fuck Your Feelings Party is attempting to outlaw the truth, wheresoever the truth might make any individual white person feel “discomfort” or “guilt,” (though I’m sure, when the replacement propaganda causes “discomfort” in non-white students and parents, they’ll be treated equally under the law. Y’know, like with stand your ground.) because there ain’t no fascist whinier than an American fascist.

I see a group of former Trumpworld enablers n’ collaborators have banded together to “strategize” ways to keep a certain flushed turd from clawing his way back up from the sewer. While the names associated with this movement (John Kelly, Stephanie Grisham, John Bolton, the goddamn Mooch) tend to bring out my Who Farted in Church After First Eating Six Pounds of Yak Rectums face, I certainly wish them well in this endeavor**.

The Supreme Court, those ingrates, will merrily strip reproductive rights from millions of women without batting an eye, but when their ol’ pal Donnie (who stole a couple of ‘em their very jobs) needs help shredding a little evidence, suddenly everybody but Clarence Thomas is “washing their hair,” or “laughing at the idiot manchild who never grasped how everyone around him was using him.”

And while the Deposed Dotard’s instincts on nearly every aspect of the human condition, from What Championship Athletes Eat to How to Wear Pants, tend towards the buffoonish, on this one, I have to admit, the impulse to conceal these particular documents was spot freakin’ on.

Cuz about ten seconds after the National Archives released that shit, we got a look at an absolutely chilling draft executive order, directing the seizure of voting machines by the Defense Department, making Sydney Krakhead Powell a Special Counsel to “investigate” the election, like some dipshit mirror universe Bob Mueller, and appointing Stephen Miller Duke of Wisconsin.

There were also, just for laffs, some unused “Remarks on National Healing,” in case Donald Trump decided to throw in the towel and do the right thing for once. I suppose, at such heights, the line between optimism and delusion gets blurry.

ANYHOO, even as SCOTUS tightened one of the many the vises clamped to Off-Brand Orbán’s withered, dusty nutsack, an Atlanta district attorney asked a judge to convene a grand jury in her own investigation of the whole “criminal attempt to overthrow the democratically-elected government” thing. Now, I don’t know what sort of lawyers are left once you’ve blown through the Rudy Giulianis and Lin Woods of the world, but I can’t imagine you want them representing you under such circumstances. Tee hee.   

A wave of terror descended upon Washington D.C.’s thriving cocaine dealer community, following news that Kimberly Guilfoyle’s cellphone records had been subpoenaed by th’feds. Eric’s, too; and you know that boy’s phone is 1/3rd seditious conspiracy, 1/3rd kiddie porn, and 1/3rd Google searches for shit like “can you pick your nose so hard you puncture your brain?”

Sifting through the wreckage of the dying days of the Turd Reich…I get it, it’s necessary, but it’s like staring directly into the puckered butthole of madness. The very worst human beings alive, who are also somehow the dumbest (thank god), flailing around in a state of hysteria, willing to commit any crime in order to cling to power. Actively in search of such crimes, in fact. The more we learn about what these scumbags were thinking and saying to each other at the time, the more I want to just scream my throat raw.

Like, we got to see Sean Hannity’s text message exchanges with Kayleigh McEnany from the Stoopid Coo. Now, McEnany was the White House Press Secretary, part of the President’s inner circle. Oval Office access. And Hannity, for the unfamiliar, is an unimpressive white fellow who says foolish things on television. I guess what I’m getting at is WHY THE FUCK WAS SEAN GOAT-FELLATING HANNITY IN CONTACT WITH THE WHITE HOUSE DURING A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS?

I suppose the gameshowification of American politics was always destined to end in phone-a-friend insurrection. But how much better do you sleep now, knowing there’s nobody left in the executive branch bellowing GET ME HANNITY when shit goes down?

Speaking of Hairplug Himmler’s elite crisis management team, seems Rudy G…hang on, I want to get this right, it says he “oversaw (the) fake electors plot in 7 states.” Now, that feels like the sort of headline that should take up the whole top half of the paper, doesn’t it? “President’s lawyer led criminal conspiracy to steal presidency?” But it wasn’t, and somewhere, Steve Bannon nods approvingly, telling some lurking henchman, “that’s why you flood the zone with shit.”

Anyway, somebody should probably arrest Rudy by now, right? Or, it’s probably more useful to just tap his phone and let him run wild; he does have a talent for entangling people in interesting crimes.

Ok. I have to go mourn Meat Loaf now. I know, I know…believe me, I KNOW. Let me just say, there’s been a lotta Loaf on in the background over the years, during the composition of these little rants. You stay safe out there, friends.

*Ok, fine, Candace Owens and who else?

**But DON’T GIVE THEM MONEY. Share their shit, sure; save your money for Democrats. Maybe McMullin, if he looks competitive. 

BREAKING: Persecuted Republicans Forced to Drink Own Piss in Underground "Speakeasies" (Ferret)

A year after the Stoopid Coup, Trumpism has congealed into its current, chewed gum-like state; an amorphous wad of god-knows-what unnatural toxins, which we can no longer seem to avoid, on our casual strolls down democracy’s sidewalks, or our absentminded probings of the undersides of decency’s desks and counters; always unpleasant, though perhaps no longer surprising.

(A much fancier version awaits those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/breaking-persecuted-republicans-forced-to-drink-own-piss-in-underground-speakeasies/)

So, Republicans’re all excited, because their hard turn towards authoritarianism means one of their very favorite activities, book-burning, is back on the table. That’s what the whole, phony “critical race theory” panic is for, right? Trouble is, you’re still not allowed to SAY you want to burn books, and they’re just not bright enough to thread that needle, which is actually a fairly common shortcoming in the book-burning crowd, for reasons which I’m sure remain obscure.

ANYWAY, they’re so clumsy when it comes to concealing their true, long-term goals (in this case, a massive, eternal bonfire, forever annihilating every dissenting voice, past, present, or future) that they frequently wind up like Indiana state Senator Scott Baldwin, pullin’ down big time headlines for suggesting schoolteachers take it easier on Nazism, in the interest of “impartiality.”  Can’t let the mask* slip like that, bro.

Look at how much better Ron DeSantis is at staying within the lines of plausible deniability, as he pitches his latest proposed assault on the First Amendment and objective reality. When Ron suggests deputizing every internet-addled crank with too much free time (just like that batshit abortion law in Texas) to hunt down and punish thoughtcrime in public schools, he justifies it by claiming that to teach children that racism exists is to indoctrinate them to “hate America,“ and while that’s some straight Iron Curtain shit, he gets away with it, because he doesn’t trumpet the fact that he got the idea from the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Totalitarianism. You takin’ notes, Baldwin?

By the way, the Virginia GOP’s version of this horseshit was apparently drafted by prominent scholars of American history who believe Abraham Lincoln debated Frederick Douglass, (ABOUT WHAT, YOU FUCKHEADS?) and I’m proposing legislation that would require federal, state, and local lawmakers to pass a modest selection of the tests administered to our nation’s assorted seventh graders before they’re allowed to even fucking think about changing education laws.

Gym Jordan, who has been known to bleat defiantly at confused passersby that he has “nothing to hide” from the January 6th commission, announced his intention to hide, if he’s able, from the January 6th commission. You gotta admit, the creep stays on-brand; if a situation presents any opportunity, however fleeting or slight, to demonstrate moral cowardice, James Daniel Jordan will find it, and while I don’t believe lawmaking is a good fit for this personality type, I’m sure there’s a spot for him in the next Alien movie.

I see Kevin McCarthy is already publicly fantasizing about the fun, fashy abuses he’s got planned for that speaker’s gavel. He’s gonna evict multiple Democratic congressmen from their committees, y’see, in revenge for (QAnon lunatic) Marjorie Taylor Greene and (open white nationalist) Paul Gosar, who were stripped of their own assignments for, lest we forget, inciting violence against their fellow elected representatives of the American people.

Hey, remember when “you shouldn’t try to get your coworkers murdered by crazy people” was an uncontroversial statement, a bipartisan belief? Wasn’t so very long ago. But from the Trump White House to Kyle Rittenhouse, Republicans have put a whole lotta work in, normalizing violence as a viable, even necessary political tactic, and it’s clear they’re going to make us pry that nasty new corner of the Overton window out of their brain dead hands.

Like, didja catch Rand Paul’s shitty shenanigans this week? He was doing that thing he does, by which I mean rotating Anthony Fauci, one of the mob’s very favorite targets, back into the crosshairs of the Two Minutes Hate. The good doctor made the eminently reasonable request that Senator Paul cut it out with the incendiary falsehoods that have led to death threats and harassment targeted not just himself, but his family. (Oh, and also maybe stop fundraising off the whole thing, you sociopathic taintwart.)

And watch Rand. Really fuckin’ watch his response, as a fellow human being tells him his behavior led directly to a barrage of death threats. It’s about halfway between “Don’t care” and “Yep, and one of ‘em’ll get you one of these days, too.”

That’s who Rand Paul is. That is 100% of what you need to understand about Rand Paul. And ignore it at your peril, by the way.

If you’re unable to afford a Rand Paul of your own, may I suggest Kansas’ Roger Marshall as a passable generic knockoff, with his cringey, attention-seeking “FAUCI Act?” Jesus, Roger, you’re not even a good troll. Moron. 

So, the latest wingnut miracle cure for Covid is Drinking Your Own Piss, and I’m only surprised it took us two years to get here. While I haven’t formally conducted the polling, I’m fairly certain there’s not one person left in this country with the energy to stop these tantrum-throwing fuckwits from ingesting materials their own bodies released as waste, (biology, like all the major sciences, is for cucks) so keep on chuggin’ pee, kids, I’ve heard you own a dozen libs with every sweet, sweet drop.

…have we heard any “somebody punched a doctor for refusing to hook their Covid-stricken spouse’s catheter directly into their IV bag” stories yet? Give it a couple weeks.   

We got a fun look at the documents Team Treasonweasel used in their Trojan Horse But Dumb plot to replace seven states’ legitimate election results with Folgers Crystals, or three fascist toddlers in a trench coat, or just Junior n’ Eric, bleeding from the lip after attaching fake mustaches with staples. If this clown brigade ever filters the piss guzzlers out of leadership, we’re gonna be in trouble.

Rolling Stone reports the Big Lie, that tumor spreading through the body politic, receives crucial financing from the wealthiest right-wing megadonors around, including our old friends in the DeVos family. I’m told Betsy wants to see American democracy die during her lifetime so badly, she’s redirected funds slated for cosmetic upgrades to as many as three of her yachts; truly it’s that sort of sacrifice that made this nation great.

Congratulations go out to domestic terror cell leader Stewart Rhodes, who’ll encounter all kinds of fun new oaths to keep as he makes his way through the criminal justice system, thanks to his shiny new SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY CHARGES, stemming from his role in the Capitol Riot. Rhodes helpfully provided prosecutors a digital paper trail as sturdy as it is damning, so expect him to skip directly to the long legal struggle to win the religious freedom to drink piss in federal prison.

One of Rhodes’ co-conspirators in the plot to violently overthrow the American government turns out to be a regular on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, a useful reminder that the most-watched show on cable literally platforms terrorists in its ongoing effort to radicalize the white nationalist mass murderers of tomorrow. (When it’s not the staging ground for the ritual debasement of any U.S. Senators who dare deviate from death cult doctrine, of course.)

Well, the radical, unhinged, and incidentally stolen SCOTUS majority snickeringly stripped the Biden Administration of important pandemic-fighting powers, heroically preserving the right of amoral crotchmaggots to undermine public health policy through malicious gaslighting, because if there’s one thing the Founding Fathers hated with a fury that shook the very powder from their wigs, it’s Americans surviving when they could be dying instead.

Hey, has anybody else noticed the steady trickle of redistricting news has been…actually pretty good? Accompanied by some sharp shifts in the ol’ Generic Congressional? And now this latest ruling, from Ohio, has gotta leave you more excited than ever to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, right? I mean, yeah, a lot of the fundamentals are against us, but we’re also just a variant away from a blowout, so…I mean, as the saying goes, “never interrupt your enemy when he is, for whatever reason, pounding carpentry nails into his own forehead.”

Good gravy. Well, as much fun as this was, this particular frog is jumping out of the boiling water for the time being, if only to grab a cold beer from the fridge. I fucking well deserve it. And so do you, actually. Pick your poison and get your weekend started, friend, that’s what I say. Unless your poison’s piss. Oh heck, imbibe what you want, it’s a free country! Just stay safe out there…

*Hood

Ted Cruz's Self-Respect, and Other Myths (Ferret)

I never know what to get anyone for insurrection anniversaries. I imagine the Senate Republican Conference is already up to its collective jowlsy gullet in pocket Constitutions, which doubtless remain unread anyway. Maybe just a picture frame? I can think of a few images those enabling fucks should be forced to look at every single day for the rest of their lives…

(Who knows what shiny colors and/or insightful nooz links await ye at this link: https://showercapblog.com/ted-cruzs-self-respect-and-other-myths/)

Anyway, congratulations everyone, on surviving one entire year of the feeblest imaginable gaslighting, perpetrated by the occupants of the sulfurous, subpar cloud of white rage that lingers around the vanquished husk of Donald John Trump like an overcooked steak fart. One whole year of the American Right piling lie upon lie, compounding their every mistake, and failing to learn a single fucking thing about anything.

(This space left intentionally blank to accommodate confetti and noisemakers)

Actually, I’m writing this on the 7th, the one-year anniversary of Betsy DeVos’ principled resignation from the lynch-mob-inciting Turd Reich in freefall, and goddamn if that way-too-little, years-too-late, utterly hollow gesture didn’t turn out to be the high-water mark for Republican ethics in this age of domestic political violence.

Even discussing the issue with our conservative friends typically proves…trying. Like, I appreciate that keeping shit straight amidst your weird little cult’s perpetually-shifting, frequently contradictory shared delusions must be difficult, with the whole rotten tower teetering ever more precariously with each new collision with reality (that stubborn bastard), but it’s your choices that landed you there. The rest of us made better choices. Sorry.

Watching y’all from the outside, it’s mostly just half of you pissing on the other half’s legs while everyone snickeringly insists it’s raining, switching shifts every so often, with high-fives all around over the runaway success of your tricksy deception. You’re welcome to defect to our side at any point, by the way. It’s pretty great, here in reality; we’re much less likely to die of Covid, and nobody pees on us.

So, Marjorie Taylor Greene, perhaps the largest, loudest mouth on the Lovecraftian fleshwad horror the Republican Party has become, got herself permanently banned from Twitter, for the very good reason that she refused to stop spreading enormous, damaging lies about, among other things, the pandemic; a small, but important victory for the forces of health, light, and life. Perhaps we can finally move on from this silly, squawking, Nazi twit.

Ha ha NOPE, lucky for you, Marj, Kevin McCarthy simply cannot fucking figure out how to quit you. Despite your seemingly limitless capacity for obscenity, your Minority Leader will forever have your back, whatever backwoods Goebbels turd falls out of your fool mouth next, because K-Dawg came to the United States Congress to appease fascists and separate Starbursts for tenth-rate dictators, and he’s all outta Starbursts!

…having dumped candy duty on an intern.

One thing I’ve learned these past few years…the secret ingredient in the rise of fascism is cowards. Recipe goes, “Season with cowards liberally and often. Let simmer, applying additional cowards at regular intervals.”

Anyway.   

Ohio Republican Senate candidate J.D. Vance, who I will remind you is somehow NOT THE CRAZY ONE in that race, responded to the eminently sensible deplatforming of a mendacious maniac by demanding social media companies be “crushed,” and in this humble blogger’s opinion, there should be fewer dudes in the Senate who talk like junior members of the Legion of Doom, not more.

Why is it so hard for the Republican Party to cut the fucking Nazis loose? I mean, we all know the answer, but it feels like something that should be asked out loud anyway. If we’re forced to endure the childish improv game Peter Doocy insists upon inflicting on Jen Psaki and the world, surely somebody can ask a few of these addled mediocrities to concisely describe the positive outcome they’re envisioning every time they yield another ten miles to their party’s brownshirt wing.

The tiger’s had its taste of human flesh, you can’t just put the genie back in the bottle here. It’s a…genie tiger, in this example...look, if you don’t like mixed metaphors, start your own fucking blog. You ain’t never had a friend like Donald Trump, is what I’m trying to say. These people don’t stop taking, it’s not in their nature. They will not be sated by the Sudetenland. DUH.

Left to their own devices, they will, in fact, literally gather under your party’s banner to offer prayers of gratitude to the treasonous scum that inflicted 140 casualties on Capitol law enforcement, as the Cobb County, GA GOP helpfully demonstrated. Honestly, what the fuck do you imagine happens AFTER the terrorist-worshipping rituals? I ask because Kyle Rittenhouse has become a walking, pockmarked, golden calf to your base.

Back on the steadily decaying institutional level, ol’ Johnny Isakson took one last hit for the team, offering his old caucusmates the excuse they desperately needed (his funeral) to be anywhere but Washington on the day the world reflected upon the Pandora’s Outhouse door they kicked open with their lies, greed, and fear-mongering. Oh, they sputtered out a sickly tweet or two, but dared not show their faces, for even now they understand history will know them as Those Who Were Tested and Found Mightily Fucking Wanting.

A perfectly good mint julep wound up spattered all over Senator Graham’s Mawmaw’s prized doilies, such was Lindsepher’s meticulously manufactured outrage at dastardly Joe Biden’s nefarious “politicization” of January 6th. Y’know, one of the cool things about being a Democrat is nobody requires clownish displays of blind loyalty to a pathological liar’s every passing fib. Incidentally, you shouldn’t give mint juleps to house pets, especially the frail, over-domesticated ones like Graham, it’s bad for them.

Stupefyingly, even after that choice bit of obsequiousness, Lindsey didn’t earn a single vote in the Cuck of the Week poll, because Rafael Edward Cruz just ran away with that shit. Teddy Boy is putting up Barry Bonds-like emasculation stats these days; he must be taking illegal, testosterone-diminishing drugs. When he spent four years suckling the buttocks of the cheap goon who insulted his wife and father, we thought we were witnessing the Ted Williams of sycophancy in his prime, but it turns out the guy was just getting warmed up.

Because holy shit, y’all. What Ted pulled on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour this week? It was his Guernica. A miracle of human achievement in the field of groveling. I fucking saw God.

If you happened to miss it, golly, you’re in for a treat. Get yourself a snack, you deserve it.

So, Tedward accidentally stumbled over just enough love of country to suggest in passing that terrorism is bad and ought not be encouraged, and when Carlson caught wind of that, he fuckin’ left work early to drag Ted to the woodshed. Tucker made Senator Cruz cut his own switch, you know what I’m saying?

And Ted sits there, live on the most watched news show on cable, and takes it and takes it and takes it, and begs for more. And on the level of watching one of the worst people alive debase himself, it’s certainly quality content. Trouble is, this is actually a phenomenally powerful human being, submitting, desperately and comprehensively, to the ringleader of a hate mob, and no fucking good will come of it. Once again, the secret ingredient is cowards.

After that…display, there’s not enough left of Cruz to spread on a Triscuit, and he thinks he can get elected President. Sad, sorry, old fop’s got one foot in the geek pit and doesn’t even know it yet.

Meanwhile, Ron Johnson thinks vaccines are a sacrilegious assault by arrogant scientists on God’s plan to weed out the weak with His Covid-y trowel, because while cowards make up the base of the dish, you want to sprinkle in a few mouth-breathing idiots, for flavor.

Thankfully, in the section of the federal government where the grownups work, Smilin’ Joe Biden put on his shitkickin’ boots, having previously procured matching sets of shitkickin’ boots for the speechwriting staff, and told a certain Deposed Dotard precisely where he can stick his Big Lie, which is up his loser bum, which lost by how many million votes by the way? Was it seven? It was, wasn’t it? It was SEVEN MILLION VOTES you lost by, loser.

It was kind of Joe to make time to throw those elbows, since he’s been pretty busy lately, repairing the damage a certain overmatched manchild inflicted to the American economy. And, lookin’ at the numbers, he’s doin’ a fine job of it, too.

Like a TikTok influencer angling the side of the energy drink can with the logo towards the camera, Tangerine Idi Amin offered up his vastly-diminished platform to Hungarian strongman Viktor Orbán, endorsing the petty thug’s “re-election campaign,” which really ought to tell you everything you need to know about the Americans he backs, don’tcha think?

And rest in peace the “Cyber Ninjas,” a shadowy cabal of Big Lie-spreading grifters that now disappears into the great wingnut beyond, taking centuries of bamboo fiber detection expertise with them. What a loss.

As fucked up as shit gets in Washington, at least we can take comfort that Congress is now, and shall remain, a Nunes-free zone. With so many of these treacherous weasels shielded by fash-friendly gerrymanders, I say it’s well worth celebrating any time we pry one of ‘em off the machinery of government. (Extends Tank 7 tallboy for cheers clink)

Well, despite the best efforts of a veritable legion of asshats, we held onto the ol’ republic for another whole year, not too shabby. Lotta work ahead on that front, I’m afraid, so, y’know…get some rest. And, as always, stay safe out there, friends… 

2021: A Year That Can Eat My Whole Ass (Ferret)

As you’re putting the finishing touches on your New Year’s plans, don’t forget: it’s not enough to merely drive a stake through 2021’s heart; you need to cut the bastard’s head off, burn everything, and scatter the ashes separately, or you’re gonna wind up with sequels, and all these characters’ll keep coming back forever. I mean, didn’t Rush Limbaugh just teach us a valuable lesson about addition by subtraction?

(As ever, all the niftiest links n’ shiniest colors await ye at this link: https://showercapblog.com/2021-a-year-that-can-eat-my-whole-ass/)

Well, the world’s naughty won a surprise last-minute reprieve from Santa’s judgment, since, thanks to the Omicron variant, everybody’s stockings were so full of fucking Covid, there wasn’t any room for coal.

Yeah, everybody look under your chair…surprise, it’s Omicron! Say “Omicron” three times in the bathroom mirror, and it will appear. (It will also appear if you do not say “Omicron” three times in the bathroom mirror.) This shit is twice as catchy as that Blue (Da Ba Dee) song, and nearly as lethal.

Little fucker is fucking EVERYWHERE. The “good” news is, for the vaxxed, and especially the boosted, odds of survival seem t’be reasonably decent, though of course, our distinguished colleagues in the death cult across the aisle appear determined to greet this new variant with their customary Russian roulette volley.

I’ve never seen a group of people so libidinous for intubation and an early grave. And this persistent undercurrent of suicidal petulance in right-wing culture doesn’t even feel newsworthy anymore; that dull, wet thudding of ten million morons rhythmically striking their own foreheads with hammers has long since faded into the background, but it’s still pretty fucked up, y’know?

It’s almost impressive, how thoroughly these little jerks have broken their own brains. Like, there was this conference, for the kookiest kult kids; Flynn, Lindell, Eric Trump…a veritable carnival for the cray-cray. And a bunch of the attendees caught Covid, because OF COURSE THEY DID, fucking mid-Omicron anti-vax clambake? That’s basically the free square in the middle of the bingo card, right?

But no, these braying fuckwits actually had the gall to claim somebody released fucking anthrax into their little loser treehouse, because the forces of liberalism would only naturally deem it necessary to deploy biological weaponry against a handful of dumbasses who were already inviting Covid over to play street hockey in their fucking lungs.

I look at that shit in awe. What magnificent wrecks y’all have made of your minds.

This vaccine thing…it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s so important to them. It’s the nougaty center of all MAGA doctrine, the one and only commandment carved into the stone tablet: VACCINE BAD.

When of course, here in the real world, the vaccine is…I mean, pretty good, I think. You could even call it a towering act of human achievement, a functionally miraculous giver of life, if you were inclined. Keeping millions and millions of people alive while this virus works so diligently to kill us? I have to admit, I’m a fan.

But even with ICUs predictably refilling with a fresh wave of unvaccinated culture war casualties, Cult45’s faith in this one, debunked-daily-for-months tenet remains unshaken, and unshakable.

Turns out the horde hates the (life-saving) Covid vaccines more than they love Donald Trump, oh ho. The Frankenstein bit isn’t nearly as much fun on the other side of the rampage, is it, shithead?

Yeah, I guess coming between a death cult and its chosen vehicle for a glorious end carries certain dangers. Candace Owens, Alex Jones, even ol’ Ben Garrison snapped, savagely and without hesitation, at the curiously-undersized hand that fed them for so long.

Golly, who’da guessed the fattest leeches had the sharpest teeth?

Where they’re able, Republicans are actually EXTENDING UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS to cover those who lose their jobs for refusing to comply with vaccine mandates, that’s how far through the dang looking glass we are with this garbage. Guess you can’t be a filthy taker if you’re busy with the important, almost holy work of…spreading disease.

But yeah, you’re losing the loons, Donnie. They’ve found someone younger and hotter, and now they’re the ones snickering at all the shit they snuck into the prenup. What shenanigans will ensue as this millions-strong rage mob spirals beyond even its primary creator’s control? Tune in next year; it’s not like canceling the show is an option.

One thing’s for sure: Charlie “Yes I Am Aware I Resemble a Dick Tracy Villain My Mother Pointed That Out With Great Frequency” Kirk’s TPUSA rally clearly had no intention of getting out-Nuremberged by any competing Brownshirt orgs. From the genuinely freaky worship of child soldier Kyle Rittenhouse to Jesse Watters’ insidious MURDER FAUCI HAW HAW HAW act, inciting and glorifying violence is the hip new trend sweeping through conservative circles almost as swiftly as…no, I can’t say it, it’s too easy.

And all that insanity trickles downward and outward, as it’s intended to. The hate, the lies, and yeah, the normalization of violence as an acceptable political tactic. On one level, that leads, as Reuters documents, to hundreds of death threats targeting election officials; but then there’s the steady supply of more deeply radicalized weirdos, randomly snapping and committing mass murder every so often…just a system working the way it was designed.

Well, it took all of eight months for projectile evangelical Madison Cawthorn to tell God to shove those “sacred marriage vows” straight up his infallible pooper. Also, the lady involved low-key might be a Russian intelligence operative? You have to admit, young Maddy is precisely the sort of useful idiot that’d dive face-first into a honeypot…anyway I’m sure there are loads of other reasons he popped by Fux Nooz to casually chat about how much better Russia’s military is than dumb ol’ America’s. Just loads.

Fitting, that the holiday season should bear witness to the birth of a brand new MAGA messiah! No, I don’t mean JFK Jr., I’m talking about the Let’s Go Brandon Guy, who probably possesses a real name of some sort, but honestly, who gives a fuck. As I understand it, this random wanker attained instant wingnut celebrity by throwing a sad, sorry fit at President Biden during a frickin’ NORAD Santa Tracker event, i.e. in front of a bunch of small children, COOL LIFE, BRO.

(I’m sure it comes as no surprise to learn LGB Guy suddenly sees a leader of men staring back at him from the mirror, on accounta how many likes his wee tantrum got on the information superhighway. I’d like to think you couldn’t get elected solely on Nearly Said Fuck to the President, Sort Of But Not Really, but on the other hand, maybe Ronny Jackson wouldn’t get into so much trouble if he had a buddy.)

I see fashy flunky Peter Navarro is out touring his avant-garde one-man performance art piece, where he goes on television to repeatedly confess his central role in a seditious criminal conspiracy, daring Liz Cheney to drag him by the ear to federal prison. Pete even gave the idiot coup a VERY grown-up codename: the “Green Bay Sweep,” oooooooooo how fancy n’ impressive! I’m told Navarro issued instructions throughout his attempted overthrow of the United States government using the super-awesome Ninja Turtle walkie-talkies his mom got him two Xmases ago.

So, Ron DeSantis has gone missing, apparently? And his team has been awkwardly faking public appearances on social media?  Where o where could the GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA be, as Omicron tears through the all-the-kids-n-old-folks-you-can-eat buffet he’s made of his state? Hiking the Appalachian Trail? Caught up in a mad, mid-life attempt to break the Donkey Kong high score record? Inquiring minds wanna know.

Well, in a world that could use about a million more Harry Reids, we lost the original. Shit. That was one well-lived life. Thinking about it now, “Be more like Harry Reid” strikes me as about as much as I could hope for, resolution-wise. Yeah, let’s do that.

Good lord. Well, I do believe we’ve all eaten enough shit for one trip around the sun. Enjoy your celebrations and reflections, friends, but save a bottle of somethin’ special for the big anniversary coming up next week.

Oh, by the way, physical copies of Marguerite vs. the Occupation have officially been shipped to Kickstarter backers, so be on the lookout! And maybe there’s even more fun stuff comin’ in 2022 and beyond…

Little Traitor Boy, Here Comes Omicron, & Other Death Cult Xmas Carols (Ferret/Shower Cap)

So certain is Santa’s naughty verdict, I doubt America even bothered leaving a stocking out this year. Though down in Texas, under Greg Abbott’s Freedom Grid, I’m told they frankly could use the coal.

(As ever, nifty nooz links and the shiniest colors around await you at this link: https://showercapblog.com/little-traitor-boy-here-comes-omicron-other-death-cult-xmas-carols/)

Yes, I offer season’s greetings from 21st-century America, a not-at-all-dystopian society in which absolutely zero public school teachers participate in dehumanizing debasement rituals presented as entertainment for the masses, least of all in the great and prosperous state of Noemistan. Everything’s fine, and to imply otherwise is disloyal. (Winston, kindly purge this paragraph from the official record.)

If anything, you should congratulate our thriving, super-healthy culture on its brand-new holiday: enjoy SCHOOL SHOOTING DAY, brought to you by TikTok! Commemorate the omnipresent dread of raising a child in a society that prioritizes the weapon-accumulating rights of would-be mass murderers over your offspring’s physical and psychological safety!

(Me, I think this is just another cynical ploy by the greeting card industry, to juice sales of their increasingly popular, “Sympathy to your family for enduring this once unimaginable, now fairly commonplace horror” line. Won’t be long until they need a whole aisle at the grocery store: so sorry your son/daughter/sister/brother/friend/mom/dad/nephew/French teacher got shot to death by a disturbed teenager/possessive ex-lover/white nationalist terrorist/random guy having a bad day.)

Anyway, don’t take off your celebratin’ pants just yet, cuz the USA absolutely strutted past that 800,000 Covid deaths line, miles ahead of any other nation on Earth! Mind you, that’s with our new buddy, Omicron, only just starting to size up the buffet.

And, predictably, Red America offers itself up to the ravenous new variant eagerly, almost politely, like a little cake that says Eat Me.

What do you even do with these people anymore? You suggest self-preservation, and they get SO MAD. “I have a Constitutional right to harm myself, and to harm those around me, based on the misconceptions of reality I get from wasting my entire life watching liars on television,” and no, that’s not actually true, but you’re wrong about so many things, I don’t know where to start; anyhoo, guess it’s time for another wave of MAGA madness to crash down upon our poor, battered hospitals.

(Hey, get your booster shot, by the way…y’all are already on top of that, right?)

While we’re on the pandemic, a new report from the House says the Trump Administration undermined the nation’s coronavirus response ON FUCKING PURPOSE, and I have to ask, like…are there supply chain issues in the pitchfork and torch industries? Both at the same time? Do we still get mad when somebody kills tens of thousands of us, or are we all just teetering piles of boiled frog meat by now?

As we reflect upon the wretched, piss-stained, pretty-sure-there-were-fire-ants-for-a-couple-weeks year that was 2021, I have to say, I think I’ll remember it mostly as the year the GOP Kissed an Attempted Fascist Coup (And They Liked It).

It’s that parenthetical bit that’s been poking me in the eye lately…the latest news from the January 6th commission has us looking back to that brief moment in time when even some fairly Trumpy Republicans understood that things had gotten out of hand, and said so; and it looked like we could come together again, which is what we used to do when the homeland got attacked by terrorists. And maybe we could all agree to take the off-ramp that so graciously presented itself, and get back to making our own mistakes instead of repeating history’s.

That moment was…awfully dang brief.

You look at the GOP now, and they’re basically operating as Donald Trump without the attention-grabbing clown makeup; all the same tactics, all the same goals, but generating much less outrage and therefore much less pushback.

It’s all proceeding with the efficiency the Koch crew has come to expect from their outrage-farming efforts. Cult45’s most fervent missionaries are already taking over local election infrastructure wherever possible. Shit, you can’t even run for Governor of Minnesota on the Republican ticket without genuflecting to the Big Lie…this isn’t goons on a deadline stumbling around, stepping on every possible rake anymore; it’s more organized every single day; these creeps’re choosing this adventure deliberately and consistently.

And we should be honest about that! Because Mark Meadows’ texts, and his e-mails, y’all…I mean, we’re talking about the chief coordinating officer for a massive criminal conspiracy to end constitutional democracy in the United States based on something Louie Gohmert saw on the internet; the contents of this treacherous clown’s phone were gonna generate some headlines, but…fuck, why is it always even worse than I was expecting? Because I was already expecting “idiot Nazi crime spree,” okay?

It’s like cracking open the chest of a lifelong smoker, and yeah, you find the ruined lungs, but there’s also a brown, oily, mass of maggots where the heart should be. This is also a handy metaphor for the American Right generally.

For example, turns out no less than SIX sitting U.S. Congressmen actively collaborated with the Trump White House’s (lest we forget) fascist coup attempt. Pretty cool that these documented enemies of American democracy get to retain their full legislating powers, isn’t it? Like, outside of “No one gets to be in charge but us,” what other laws do you think we should have, Mr. Jordan?

That’s to say nothing of Meadows’ private assurances, on January 5th, that come the day of the deed, the National Guard would stand ready to enter the fray…but only on one side. Chilling. Y’know, I never get called by pollsters, but if anybody ever asked me about Mark, I do believe I’d be tempted to go so far as to strongly disapprove.

And then there’re the texts with the haughty propagandists of Fox News, providing valuable insight into the sensation of pure, uncut, Mary Shelley clarity one experiences at the precise moment puppeteering a President stops being fun.

Hannity, Ingraham and Kilmeade, name a more iconic three-mouthed rectum, I’ll wait. Probably less than ideal that these were the folks conversing with the White House Chief of Staff during a terrorist attack on Congress, but hey, it took a whole bunch of zany misadventures to get us to January 6th in the first place.

Anyway, they’ve all once again been revealed as cheap, lying grifters, not that anyone in their audience will notice. These bastards take their indoctrination seriously, and it shows; you can’t get folks to swallow a steady diet of shit and nothing but shit with just parsley sprigs and sleight of hand, y’know; you have to reach deep inside that ol’ cranium, and rip out some wiring. Otherwise, when the curtain gets yanked back like this, and the rubes get such a clear look at the con, and the sneering disdain in which they’re held, they might ask for something else to eat.

But no, they’re gonna line up same time tomorrow for a fresh bowl of shit and a clean spoon. You almost have to admire the craftsmanship of the disinformation-dispensing apparatus.

Speaking of, I see Chris Wallace decided to sneak out the back door at Fux before the War on Xmas turns hot and the office party starts incorporating live sacrifices of the unfaithful. Probably wise.

Wallace’s successor as the network’s last, flagging voice of reason begging the mob to maintain some small shred of sanity and/or decency will be…what, Geraldo? Fucking GERALDO? Well, I’m sure he’s up to it.

Down in The Villages, they’re too old and rich to handle cop-bludgeoning duties on the front lines, but they’re every bit as dumb and disloyal as any Proud Boy. No doubt hoping to pull their own weight in the struggle to eradicate democracy, a trio of golf cart insurrectionists instead received a fun lil’ lesson on just how efficiently existing laws deal with the handful of asshats dumb enough to actually attempt voter fraud.

While it was previously reported that the RNC would submissively take on Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s personal legal bills, we’ve now learned the precise extent of the cucking; it’s $1.6 million these hopeless chumps have committed, plus Reince Priebus has to deliver the check in person every month, at which time he is forced to chug a sneakerful of Eric’s urine in front of the whole family.

So, I see the same piece of shit who once proclaimed the Jews-will-not-replace-us-screechers of the world to be “very fine people” yet again casually vomited up an anti-Semitic diatribe indistinguishable from the background chatter at Richard Spencer’s board game night; weird how that kind of stuff keeps happening, especially with institutional racism being so fake and all.

Still, like most white supremacists, the Deposed Dotard mostly just careens from failure to failure. He lost another big’n in court this week, those precious tax returns won’t remain secret much longer. Plus, he’s such a big fancy kingmaker man now that they’re writing whole articles mocking his impotent attempts to dethrone Mitch McConnell. Shit, the sloppy old has-been STILL can’t manage a layup as easy as an Alabama Senate primary. To me, this is exactly why you don’t build your cult of personality around an enormous loser, but hey…tastes vary.

All that said, owing to the holiday season and my desperate need to drain the poison from my brain, I will be taking next week OFF from this blog. I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve, no doubt rejuvenated, and armed with new, cutting-edge poop jokes.

Anyway, I gotta go; Bannon’s stuck in my chimney; he’s threatening to breathe on the yuletide fire, and I fear the gin fumes would set the entire neighborhood ablaze. Stay safe out there, please enjoy the seasonal rituals of your choosing, secular or otherwise.

I Know of No Reason Why the PowerPoint Treason Should Ever Be Forgot (Ferret/Shower Cap)

I’ve decided to adjust my attitude about this whole Fall-of-Rome thing we’ve got going on in America; I’m just gonna rub it in young folks’ faces, all the rights and privileges I had when I was their age. “Oh yeah, it was fuckin’ fantastic, you could tell the truth about history…shit, if the government botched a pandemic response, killing hundreds of thousands of people and crashing the economy in the process, you were allowed to replace ‘em with a whole ‘nother government, it was pretty nifty!” And then they’ll cry all the way to work in the Amazon mines.

(Shiniest of colors and niftiest of news links await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/i-know-of-no-reason-why-the-powerpoint-treason-should-ever-be-forgot/)

Well, thanks to New Hampshire Republicans, you can officially scratch “McCarthyite loyalty oaths” off your Happening Here bingo card. If these thought police thugs get their way, you’ll have to pledge allegiance to the intentional, whitewashed indoctrination of children if you want to hold a job as a teacher in the Granite State.

Meanwhile, Texas school districts are vigorously purging hundreds of books from public school libraries, which is sinister and terrifying, yes, but also, like…do y’all really imagine you’re going to trick folks into believing bigotry is a liberal hoax, when the entire fucking purpose of the Republican Party (beyond cutting the mega-wealthy’s taxes, of course) is the preservation of white political dominance at any cost? Like, “Wow, those old white dudes keep stripping minorities of their voting rights, I wonder what that’s all about? I can confidently rule out institutional racism, since all reality was surely contained within the confines of my middle school library, which is also why pornography doesn’t exist.”

Incidentally, I see Governor Tate Reeves is absolutely horny for Anti Choicey Barrett and her gang of manic theocrats to formally end Roe v. Wade so he can finally align women’s rights in Mississippi neatly with his third-world coronavirus response…or he would be, anyway, if demonically enchanted Cabbage Patch dolls possessed genitals capable of arousal. Shit, maybe they do. Somebody should check. Um…not it.

So, the big new trend in wingnut Congressjag circles is rubbing salt in the Oxford High School community’s extremely fresh wounds, by snickeringly spreading shitty little Xmas cards, depicting their heavily-armed, terror-cell-waiting-for-activation spawn, because the “family values” crew is all about mocking the mourning and trolling the traumatized these days. Y’know, these spiteful freaks only attain MAGA stardom in the first place through indecent behavior, up to and including harming, or even killing people, (see Rittenhouse, Kyle) in case anybody’s wondering where all this is heading.

Well, it’s lookin’ like SHITSACK CIVIL WAR in Georgia, where insider-trading plutocrat David Perdue announced a primary challenge to the incumbent Republican Governor, vote-suppressing autocrat Brian Kemp. The only issues at stake here are perceived loyalty to a fascist game show host, and whether or not it’s worth the trouble of formally crafting framework to legally disenfranchise minorities, such is the state of the discourse in the Grand Old White Nationalist Death Cult.

Kemp can point to the six county election boards the state GOP has taken over, replacing local Black Democrats with apostles of the Big Lie, as proof that his bureaucratic approach to institutionalizing white supremacy works just fine, but it’s clear there’s a constituency that longs for a return to the days of burning crosses and hooded terror. It ain’t Aunt Bee’s chicken casserole these folks’re nostalgic for, y’know.

Off-Brand Orbán once again casually confessed to firing Jim “The Man Who Fucked Up the Entire Course of Human History” Comey because he’s a great, big, fat, fucking criminal who feared justice, and desperately wanted to obstruct it. We can skip to the sentencing phase any time now, is all I’m saying.

And I see Devin Nunes, deprived by redistricting of his traitor-friendly personal electorate, decided to take his war on democracy, decency, and competency to the private sector, retiring from Congress to run the Velveeta Vulgarian’s social media startup. Now, the company is already under investigation, because fucking of course it is, but I think the feds should step back and let nature take its course here, because when the business genius who somehow figured out a way to lose money in the casino industry teams up with the treacherous clod who lost a lawsuit to an internet cow, you’re gonna see failure on a goddamn cosmic scale, folks. It’ll be like a Tom Waits song about the Washington Generals getting hooked on meth.

Speaking of the clump of septic mediocrity comprising Hairplug Himmler’s inner circle, it appears Mark Meadows received the telltale tug on the leash from those tiny, inadequate hands, and thus withdrew his previous agreement to cooperate with the January 6th commission, though not before sharing the Assclown Autogolpe’s actual POWERPOINT PRESENTATION outlining the (stupid, stupid) plan to end American democracy, which is what pops up now if you say, “Siri, show me the banality of evil” into your iPhone.

It’d be nice if the media would pay more attention to this shit, but I understand Kamala Harris, that pot-purchasing jezebel, is now in the midst of a fresh, new, earbud scandal. America was pretty cool, while it lasted.

For decades to come, Real Muricans’ eyes will well up with petulant tears as they recollect, in intimate detail, precisely where they were and what they were doing when some homeless guy set the Fux Nooz Xmas tree on fire*. The network’s stable of snarling propagandists took a break from normalizing and/or inciting right wing violence to wail and moan and beat their breasts over this dastardly attack on the gaudy, hollow self-worship they so cynically peddle as patriotism.

And yes, you should absolutely dust off your old compare/contrast skills from high school English class to analyze the difference between Fux’s coverage of this bunless nothingburger to their yearlong, nigh-ritualistic minimization of the Capitol Riot, if only to understand how the greatest democracy in human history found itself on the precipice of committing suicide-by-overindulged-idiocy.

Anyway, if you’re struggling with the holiday shopping for your radicalized relatives, you can never go wrong offering up some fresh excuse to wallow around in the soothing sty of sweet, sweet victimhood. And don’t bother about believability or logical consistency; just tell ‘em you saw the CEO of Whirlpool criticize Trump on Maddow the other night, and kick back with a beer while they take a sledgehammer to their own dryer.

Celebrity child molester/close, personal friend to the Huckabee family Josh Duggar was convicted on two child pornography counts, so for a couple decades anyway, Republican politicians will have to visit him in prison to get those photo ops they’re all so fond of.

Well, it’s been a few weeks since anybody paid any attention to his fool ass, so Ron Johnson waddled out onstage just long enough to claim that…fuck, I’m getting exhausted just typing this…that mouthwash kills the coronavirus, which of course it does not do, and I don’t think I’m unreasonable in believing this doofus should take himself a little hiatus from writing laws the rest of us have to obey until he works out how to vet information on the internet as well as a 5th grader. There’s a one hundred percent chance that RoJo has leaked classified information to at least one catfishing Ashley Madison account, by the way.

On a certain level, expecting the Deposed Dotard to pay attention to a single legal defeat amidst a lifetime of judicial drubbings is like asking a sandwich artist to recollect one particular meatball sub, but this latest setback likely stings a bit extra, since a federal appeals court ruled he’s not allowed to hide presidential records pertaining to the Stoopid Coo from the January 6th commission in those ridiculous balloon pants of his. Better call Saul, you weaselly little turd.

So, GOOD NEWS, the Kickstarter for my newest comic book, ODD YARNS, is over, and we funded successfully! I cannot thank y’all enough for supporting these projects, making comics has been life-changing for me, and in a positive way, not a hey-look-at-all-the-fascists-getting-elected way.

Anyway, after three Kickstarters in a little more than a year, I finally get to STOP ASKING Y’ALL FOR MONEY for the foreseeable future, won’t that be nice? If you did pledge to ODD YARNS, rewards surveys went out today, so check the ol’ junk folder if you don’t see the e-mail in your regular inbox. And if you didn’t pledge, may the guilt consume you until the next time I’m selling something.

Kidding**.

Well, I’d say we’ve all earned our weekend after enduring that shitstorm. Stay safe out there, friends, I don’t think it’s gonna let up any time soon…

*I myself was shitting out the undigested portions of the previous evening’s Hungry Man Dinner.

**Not kidding. At all. Not even a little.

America: If the Quack Doctors Don't Get Ya, the Heavily Armed Teenagers Will (Ferret/Shower Cap)

I don’t say it enough, at least not directly, but boy howdy, I am gettin’ mighty tired of assholes ruining everything. Look, I understand there are always gonna be assholes, that’s unavoidable, but maybe we should stop putting them in charge of shit, on account of the way they ruin everything? Just a thought. Anyway, here are a bunch of stories about assholes ruining everything:

(As ever, get this post in living color, with all kindsa news links, here: https://showercapblog.com/america-if-the-quack-doctors-dont-get-ya-the-heavily-armed-teenagers-will/)

From the highest halls of power to the authenticest Appalachian diner, Republicans are hopping mad that Democrats insist on battling the pandemic, in violation of the sacred right to own the libs by catching, spreading, and dying from a largely preventable disease.

A particularly nihilistic wing of the Senate Republican Conference actually tried to shut the whole frickin’ government down in an attempt to force the Biden Administration to abandon necessary, effective public health measures, and I confess I’m more perplexed than ever at the current state of the generic congressional ballot…call me naive, I just figured “don’t vote for folks that’re actively attempting to kill you” was a universally agreed upon principle.

Also, in the name of freedom from the tyranny of (checks notes) protecting human life, the rural community of Oroville, California (population: 20,000*) proclaimed itself the Legally Seceded Confederate Republic of You’re Not the Boss of Me, Libtard, which is not something you can actually do, but hey, LARPing sure looks fun.

Meanwhile, no doubt sensing the opportunity to swap another couple hundred thousand of their constituents’ lives for a fresh hit to Biden’s approval rating, the GOP is rolling out the red carpet for the shiny new Omicron variant; shit, they’re practically throwing the goddamn thing a cotillion.

Texas Congressjag Ronny Jackson led the charge, swiftly proclaiming Omicron to be a Democrat hoax. This nasty little bit of disinformation, bellowed as it was from atop a mass grave already nearly 800,000 corpses high, was actually even more insidious than it initially appeared, because while Ronny is known primarily as a liar, a drunk, and a drug dealer, he technically is a doctor.

…which is more than can be said of Rand Paul, who nevertheless persists in his ridiculous, self-owning feud with Dr. Anthony Fauci (and objective reality). Rand wants to send America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist to federal prison for the crime of adhering to the findings of science, rather than caving to the widely-debunked conspiracy theories emanating from the lump of rancid yogurt swarming with meth-sodden flies occupying the space between Senator Paul’s ears.

(No doubt wild-eyed Fux Nooz host Lara Logan would go even further, since apparently FAUCI = MENGELE on her planet. When Lara isn’t spreading lies from her Murdoch-provided platform, she enjoys recreationally feuding with the Auschwitz Memorial on Twitter, which is extremely normal behavior.)

Anyway, Rand may soon head up his very own Pompous Quack Caucus, if Dr. Oz can only convince the voters of Pennsylvania to elect a sociopath who lives in New Jersey to represent them in the United States Senate. Oz describes himself as a “moderate Republican,” because while he’s spread his share of disinformation over the years, he’s never marched alongside tiki-torch-bearing white nationalists, which, shit, may well make him TOO “moderate” for the GOP primary electorate, if the outhouse knife fight in neighboring Ohio is any indication.

South Carolina Congressdolt Nancy Mace’s wacky week certainly supports this theory. Mace initially made national headlines belching up anti-vax talking points on Fux, but still soon found herself in a screeching match with CrossFash loon Marjorie Taylor Greene, over caucusmate Lauren Boebert’s unrepentant Islamophobia.

Minority Leader McCarthy handled the intraparty scuffle with his trademark groveling weakness, begging Greene to knock it off, but ultimately proving incapable of mustering the slightest sputtering “hey, quit it” when she marched straight out of his office to tell a reporter she wanted to see Mace ousted in a primary, for insufficient bigotry. The Vainglorious MTG may be a QAnon-spreading fuckwit who believes in Jewish space lasers, but when she defiantly snarls that it’s idiot hate-mongers like herself and Boebert who constitute the GOP “base,” well…something something stopped clocks.

Ol’ Keville Chamberlain did manage to indignantly demand the world accept the apology Boebert categorically refused to make, because while he’s merely useless on his good days, rather than actively harmful, he hasn’t actually had a good day in years. Somebody should remind McCarthy, the last Republican to successfully halt the advance of the Gosar/Boebert/Greene wing of the conservative movement was Dwight D. Eisenhower.

While we shouldn’t allow it to detract from our pleasure in pointing and laughing at his humiliation, the epic failure of former New Jersey Governor/cheapest of all possible thugs Chris Christie’s new book might not be the best news…ideally, his relatively light, “hey, how ‘bout we think about kinda sorta moving on from insurrection guy” message would find a larger audience amongst Republicans than the mere 2,289 copies (YIKES) he managed to move would seem to indicate. On the other hand, fuck Chris Christie. (Lookit me, viewing the issue from both sides, like a regular Chuck Todd.)

So, a couple of Trump-loving gun-humpers figured there was no better Xmas present for their shitty, obviously disturbed kid than a fucking SEMIAUTOMATIC HANDGUN, and surprise, surprise, a few more of America’s children wound up exercising their Second Amendment right to get murdered in school.

The Crumbleys’ other innovative parenting techniques included literally laughing off the most terrifyingly obvious red flags I’ve ever fucking seen, concealing potentially life-saving information from school officials, and going on the lam, leaving their dirtbag son to rot in jail, once they learned their enabling asses would be charged with manslaughter. Anyway, rather than changing any of our insane gun laws, let’s just take this opportunity to preemptively lob meaningless, insincere thoughts n’ prayers at the victims of the next, oh, shall we say, 30 school shootings? We’re all busy people, is all I’m saying.

Several of the nation’s most prominent legal minds tragically drowned making arguments before the new, Anti-Choicey-Barrett-infused wingnut SCOTUS majority, who were unable to contain their tidal wave of salivation now that the opportunity to obliterate reproductive rights finally, FINALLY dropped into their shitty theocrat laps.

Susan Collins expressed concern…that she’d be held responsible for her (indispensable) role in installing this extremist sect on the bench in the first place, particularly that famous, mega-condescending, Look, the Drunken Serial Sexual Assaulter Says He’ll Respect Precedent Once We Grant Him Power Beyond Account and That’s That lecture. You wrote your own legacy, Senator Collins, the rest of us are just reporting it.

Now that his attempt to overthrow the U.S. government has flopped, (shouldn’t have harnessed your fortunes to the fella who couldn’t figure out how to make money in the casino business, brah) Jeffrey Clark plans to plead the Fifth before the January 6th commission, which is fairly irritating, yes, but…I mean, I get it. If I were Jeffrey Clark, I’d be taking advantage of every available protection against self-incrimination, and offering suggestions for new ones. Of course, if I were Jeffrey Clark, I’d live in a dumpster, because I’d be trash, so going to Capitol Hill for a chat would be a refreshing change of pace.

Excavations of the wreckage of the Turd Reich continue to yield fresh horrors, reeking of indecency, criminality, and overcooked steak farts. For example, turns out Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot flunked a Covid test a few days before the first presidential debate, an inconvenient detail he neglected to mention to those whose life he endangered with his mere presence, including a certain gentleman from Scranton who was kicking his ass rather definitively in the polling at the time. Fortunately, Wee Donnie Dotard proved no more competent at biological warfare than he was at electoral politics, pandemic management, or umbrella closing.

(That lil’ tidbit came from Mark Meadows’ new book, which Meadows himself now labels “fake news,” in what the Guinness Book of World Records calls, “the most craven bit of human behavior in all of space and time.” Look out, Senator Graham, Mark’s clearly angling for your post as Prime Cuck, and with it, the prized spot at the foot of the bed.)

Also, it appears the Adderall-Addled Assclown simply stopped accepting his daily classified intelligence briefings after that surprise party he threw for his Vice President on January 6th, likely because he was just too dang busy actively colluding with the wad of treacherous shitweasels at the Willard hotel to worry about petty stuff, like protecting the American public from those who would do us harm. I mean, at the very least, keep an eye on what the competition’s up to, right?

Ron DeSantis feels he’s done such a good job feeding Floridians to the Republican Death God that he deserves a treat: his own personal, private civilian military force, no doubt to be recruited from that pool of former law enforcement types who chose angry internet gibberish over health and employment. What could go wrong?**

Well, friends, it’s the final few days of the ODD YARNS Kickstarter, so pledge now or accept the inevitable lifetime of regret that comes with missing out on the niftiest comic book ever scripted by a political blogger in a luchador mask.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns

This is gonna be the last one for a while, as I retreat to the Shower Cave to work on some exciting, longer projects in 2022, so if you’re looking to support this humble poo joke blog, now’s the time to strike. If you enjoy what I do here, click on over to the Kickstarter page real quick, check out our book, and chip in if you dig what you see. Don’t miss out on the special rewards tiers for blog fans, by the way.

*Until Omicron shows up, anyhow.

**This is actually your homework assignment for the weekend. No less than 10,000 words, have it on my desk by Monday morning***.

***Bribes accepted****.

****IPAs preferred.

Sure, the Right is Deifying a Kid For Killing Two Human Beings...But Kamala Harris Bought a Pot

I am ridiculously, insanely, unhealthily, eye-twitchingly thankful for this holiday-shortened week, and the proportionate reduction in wingnut fuckery it brought. Anyway, I’ve got a can-shaped, vodka-infused blob of cranberry sauce waiting for me, so let’s get through this shit as quickly as possible, okay?

(Let us give thanks for the nifty nooz links and bright, shiny colors available here: https://showercapblog.com/sure-the-right-is-deifying-a-kid-for-killing-two-human-beingsbut-kamala-harris-bought-a-pot/)

Actually, things’ve been more or less normal in Amerikkka of late; Lauren Boebert is still, as Adam Kinzinger so astutely observes, racist trash, and John F. Kennedy Jr. remains snugly ensconced in the afterlife, despite the goalpost-shifting certainty of the dumbest motherfuckers alive.

Wet, sloppy congratulations go out to the United States of America, for joining the distressingly non-exclusive club of BACKSLIDING DEMOCRACIES! Sure, we’re losing rights and sacrificing prosperity, but just look at all the coronavirus deaths we got in exchange! Honestly, who even wants to be a shining city on a hill when you can be an overflowing golden toilet in an idiot game show host’s tacky-ass golf resort instead?

Further felicitations to Petulantly Unvaccinated Conservative ‘Murica on the shiny new Covid variant even now making its way to a Klan rally near you, and all the ensuing lib-owning/ICU-swamping/gramma-killing opportunities that lie ahead in 2022. Don’t worry though, if you just chant “let’s go Brandon” at Omicron, the virus’ll be so impressed, it’ll pass right over, promise.

Now that we’re well into holiday season, you may find yourself preoccupied with calorie counting and expanding waistlines and such…allow me to offer a solution. Not a particularly healthy or enjoyable one, but a solution nonetheless; there’s certainly no more effective purging inducer than Kyle Rittenhouse’s unseemly I Got Away With Murder (And So Can You!) media tour.

Can’t imagine anyone’s surprised to find Tucker Carlson twirling his shitty baton at the head of this malevolent parade; between the softball prime time interview and the surprise documentary crew, Fish Stix Hitler certainly pulled out all the stops in his scumfuck quest to canonize white supremacy’s celebrity child soldier as the patron saint of murder in the name of faux victimhood.

There, see? Now that Thanksgiving dinner is safely splattered all over the floor/your playfully tacky Xmas sweater, you can craft yourself a guilt-free sammich from any available leftovers before finishing this post…you may want to keep a bucket handy, though.

Naturally, young Kyle’s successful evasion of justice earned him an audience with Government Cheese Goebbels himself, and Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to give the little creep the Congressional Gold Medal, but hey, I’m sure it’s only the healthiest of democracies that feature so many prominent politicians and pundits openly glorifying the slaughter of political opponents…right?

Of course, J.D. Vance couldn’t allow boyish brownshirt Josh Mandel to outflank him from the right on the issue of Gunning Liberals Down in the Street, and while I was far from a Tim Ryan fan during the 2020 Democratic presidential primary, the Ohio GOP’s fashier-than-thou Senate contest has me appreciating Tim’s dreamy eyes, strong jawline, and super-sexxxy absence of authoritarian tendencies a little more every day.

Well, should you find yourself concerned/worried/petrified with terror at the implications of Ohio’s MAGA mud-wrestling spectacle, at least take some comfort that far-right Pennsylvania Senate candidate Sean Parnell dropped out of the race after losing custody of his children over allegations of violence, reducing the number of Ex-President-Taintfungus-endorsed domestic abusers seeking election to the upper chamber by one, though not, of course, to zero; this is the Republican Party, after all.

Oh, also, since this is Hell, now quack extraordinaire Dr. Oz wants the Pennsylvania Senate gig, no doubt sensing an opening in this batshit era when the fevered screechings of the anti-science death cultist hold so much sway. What, was the demon semen lady not available?

Well, the RNC is still paying the Deposed Dotard’s personal legal bills, and hey, if you sincerely believe that quivering submissiveness is a desirable leadership trait, you probably should vote Republican. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths, a crotch-stomped economy, and an increasingly violent authoritarian movement, dedicated to subverting, and eventually ending American democracy?

I see Aaron Rodgers, fresh off his “Too Dumb to Not Catch Covid” Covid diagnosis, publicly stated he had “Covid toe,” only to throw a sad, sorry, little shitfit when the Wall Street Journal reported he had Covid toe, demonstrating deft mastery of the whinging, victimhood-manufacturing histrionics that seem to be the sole reason any American conservative even bothers getting out of bed anymore. The Rodgers/Rittenhouse 2024 Wisconsin Senate primary is gonna be a show, folks.

While the shitstorm generally shows few signs of abating, this week actually offered plenty to be thankful for. No doubt a certain skeevy pair of democracy-assaulting, pro-Trump “attorneys” are walking funny tonight, after the $180,000 spanking administered by the very court they sought so cynically to abuse; but perhaps they’re counting their blessings, looking at the $25 million bill dropped in the How Exactly Did This Flock of Puckered Buttholes Ever Imagine They’d Be Difficult to Replace? Charlottesville rally organizers’ subpar white boy laps. I’m thankful for sweet, sweet CONSEQUENCES, is what I’m trying to say here.

You’re probably engorged with gratitude after that last paragraph, but tough shit, you’re going back for another helping, and you’re not excused from the table until you clean your plate, because the Biden/Harris/Pelosi/Schumer/You/Me/Every Dem Everywhere machine is firing on all cylinders, working out the kinks in the supply chain, even as new unemployment claims drop to a 52-year low, not too shabby, huh? And that’s with trillions of dollars worth of progressive goodness still yet to hit our weary, battered economy, mind you.

And hey, white supremacist vigilantism actually took an L in court this week, that was pleasantly non-appalling for a change, wasn’t it?

Quick confession: I am a willing, indeed joyous participant in the lamestream liberal media’s cover-up of the greatest political scandal of the 21st century: Kamala Harris spending some of her money on a pot. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my Soros-funded private jet to my Soros-funded mansion in the Hamptons.

Before I sign off, forgive a little corniness on my part, as I express my gratitude for all y’all; strange as it may seem, drafting meandering, scatological rants on a regular basis has been nothing but beneficial to me…your kind feedback and support over the years have helped me overcome lifelong confidence issues, (my therapist thanks you) and enabled me to finally pursue my dream of writing comic books, so from the bottom of my drunken, masked-n-bathrobed heart…I thank you.

ON THAT NOTE, yeah, I’ve got a comic book Kickstarter that’s live for a couple more weeks, and we’re lagging a bit behind previous projects, so I’d be even more grateful if you’d check us out and consider making a pledge. (Make note of those upper rewards tiers, by the way; if you’ve ever wanted somebody to tell your Republican Congressjag what a turd-munching fuckhead he is, now’s your chance!) ODD YARNS is fun as hell, and I’d really love to share it with as many folks as possible.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns

Oh, and for backers of my previous comic, MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, the shipment has FINALLY been unloaded from the dang boat, so I should have it within the next couple of weeks, which means I can hopefully get your books mailed out relatively soon. I’m sending out updates through Kickstarter, so be on the lookout.

Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got tonight. Stay safe out there, see ya soon!

Just in Time for Thanksgiving, a Cornucopia of Buttholes (Ferret)


Forgive me if I’m off my game tonight, it’s been a dark, ugly, infuriating day. I’d love to focus on the good news, like the recently-enacted bipartisan infrastructure bill, or the House passing the Build Back Better Act, but the sheer, institutionalized efficiency with which the modern American right shepherds the nation’s shittiest white boys from radicalization to terrorism to escaping justice…all I’m saying is, expect typos; I have vomited in disgust upon my keyboard several times already.

(Links? Shiny colors? You got it: https://showercapblog.com/just-in-time-for-thanksgiving-a-cornucopia-of-buttholes/)

Anyway, the two parties are basically the same, only one builds bridges and helps folks get health care while the other diligently crafts a system where the killers their politicians and pundits incite with toxic rhetoric need not face legal consequences for ending human lives. (The one with the donkey is the non-murdery one.)

Hey, look! Disgraced Erdoğan puppet Michael Flynn believes every American should be forced to kneel before the same “god” that’s guided him through his misspent life of crime, hatred, treason, and humiliation, and at the risk of editorializing, um, fuck that. Boy, these skeevy little fucks have all sortsa skeevy little plans for the post-Constitution world they dream of, don’t they?

New documents from the CDC reveal the extraordinary lengths the Turdmaggot Administration took to actively obstruct the public health response to the Covid-19 outbreak, and I confess, I’m a tad confused; how the FUCK are we not, as one united nation, demanding Off-Brand Orbán be thrown down a fucking well in punishment for the thousands upon thousands of unnecessary deaths he caused?

Ok, I’ll be honest, I’m not confused. At all. I lied. I understand perfectly well; thing is, millions of Americans are only too happy to swap millions of jobs, billions in economic carnage, and even hundreds of thousands of their countrymen’s lives for the tacit permission to do what Kyle Rittenhouse did, and that’s what the Deposed Dotard offers.

Sleep tight.

Hey kids, if you’re not 18 years of age, I’m gonna need you to get your parents’ permission before proceeding through this paragraph, because the spectacle of engorged ragetick Alex Jones begging his audience for money to keep his shitgeyser disinformation empire afloat is positively pornographic in our justice-starved world.

(By the way, go ahead and wire him those funds, you rubes; the money’ll only wind up with the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for years. Consider it an asshole tax.)

Significantly less arousing is Steve Bannon’s herky-jerky slither/strut down the MAGA martyrdom runway. Personally, I prefer my “revolutionaries” a little less hateful/evil/oozing-with-pus, but tastes vary.

I guess Laura Ingraham now fancies herself some sort of comedian, but even Fox’s generally-successful gaslighting operation has its limits.

So, Congressional Republicans oppose health care, and infrastructure, and childcare, and education, and voting rights, and free speech, and combating climate change…so what’re they FOR? Not much, honestly…outside of preserving their own right to call for their colleagues’ murder, of course.

Yes, in the aftermath of the Gosar censure vote, it’s official: “one ought not threaten the lives of one’s co-workers” is now an exceedingly divisive partisan statement, but it’s really both sides that’re to blame for our arrival at this dangerous, deeply fucked-up point, just ask Chuck Todd. Gosar pointedly refused to apologize for his vile act, and indeed defiantly re-blasted the offending video immediately upon censure, a snarling proclamation that he will not be held to the standards of decency, or even of civilization.

I’m trying to deliver some laffs for y’all, I truly am, but it’s tricky finding punchlines here on this shitty, shitty march backwards towards human history’s darkest corners. Minority Leader McCarthy, who can’t get rid of Kinzinger and Cheney fast enough, not only wants to restore Gosar and Taylor Greene to their committee assignments, but already fantasizes openly about the powers he intends to vindictively abuse should his grubby, mediocre paws ever grasp the Speaker’s gavel.

Quick shout-out to the docile so-called “moderates” in K-Dawg’s caucus: how’s it feel to watch your “leader” pimp the very same white nationalist shitsacks who provoked the death threats you’re receiving these days over supporting FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE? I know the plan was to quietly blend into the background until the crazies got tired of setting shit on fire…how’s that workin’ out for y’all?

What’s that? Fascists never, ever stop taking, no matter how much you give away in your attempts to placate them? Huh. Well, I’m sure peace in our time is just around the corner.

Speaking of Keville Chamberlain, I guess he took to the House floor to pout and wail and rub shit all over himself for like, eight hours? Whatever. McCarthy not only accomplished fuckall when it came to halting Build Back Better’s passage, but failed to draw any of the attention he so desperately sought, and hey, maybe America’s best chance for survival is the inescapable blandness of so many of our wannabe demagogues.

Meanwhile, Mark Meadows cackled like an unusually subpar hyena at the thought of installing Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot as Speaker of the House, (sorry, Kev) because golly gee, just IMAGINE how many people that’d bother! I wonder sometimes, when you’re part of a cult than can envision no higher purpose nor greater glory than irritating strangers, like…does no one ever raise their hand to ask, “Hang on, is this seriously all there is?”

It totally is, though. Trolling peppered with periodic outbursts of terrorist violence, that’s the GOP brand. Matt Gaetz would probably be a huge hit at open mic night in the ol’ federal penitentiary, with hilarious gags like “I SHOULD MAKE KYLE RITTENHOUSE MY INTERN HAW HAW HAW,” if it weren’t for the fact that he’ll need to be kept in solitary confinement over the whole “child rapist” thing.

Still, that turned out to be such a popular bit that Gosar and Madison “The Many Homes of Hitler Tour Guide” Cawthorn are now playfully jousting over the young mass-shooter’s coffee-fetching services. Oh, and aspiring führer Ron DeSantis was too busy snickering at his own juvenile stunt to notice his press secretary, Christina Pushaw, spreading Stormfront-level anti-Semitic conspiracy theories on social media, let alone remove her from the public payroll for such disgusting behavior. Just in case anybody out there hasn’t figured out who these people are yet.

Well, if you ever wondered what it’d be like to see Joe McCarthy portrayed by a tenth-rate dinner theatre actor with misplaced confidence in his abilities to interpret Tennessee Williams, the good people of Louisiana have helpfully elected John Kennedy to the United States Senate. Ol’ Foghorn Dipshit may not be much of a legislator, but as a witch-hunter, he’s a truly once-in-a-generation buffoon.

Fucking hell. This fucking country. Hey, if you need a little fun amidst the avalanche of shit assaulting us from all sides, may I be so bold as to steer you towards the Kickstarter page for my next comic book, ODD YARNS? It’s one fun-as-hell little story, (actually, it’s two stories, learn more at the link) and I’d absolutely love to bring some smiles to some faces, especially after the relative BLURG* of this week’s blog.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns

Tell you what, just give the link one little click, browse the page for a minute, and drop us a pledge if you dig what you see. Special rewards for fans of the blog, by the way.

Well, I am worn down to the fucking nub by this shit, my friends, and the time has come for me to drown my sorrows, which are ample. Please imagine extra concern in my voice this time when I say…stay safe out there, folks. Please stay safe.

OH HEY, big holiday next week. Blog might come on a weird night. Might skip a week. Let’s play it by ear.

*You’re not crazy, “blurg” is not, in fact, a word. Language fails me these days; I’m down to grunts and nonsense.

Fox, Facebook, and Other Monsters Under America's Bed (Th'Ferret!)

Hey, before we get started tonight, a quick pro tip for the savvy news consumer: laminate the daily paper before reading it; that way, when one of the many stories of ascendant American fascism inevitably causes you to projectile vomit, you don’t render unread portions illegible with puke; simply wipe clean and proceed to the next article, which is about Ivanka opening a nationwide puppy mill chain, probably.

(The link to the links and the bright shiny colors is, as ever, here: http://showercapblog.com/fox-facebook-and-other-monsters-under-americas-bed/)

Call it the Great Resignation, call it a serendipitously decentralized unofficial nationwide labor strike, shit, call it the McRib if you want; a year and a half of isolation and introspection led the American workforce to collectively conclude there’s likely more to life than pissing our best years away in shit jobs for shit wages just to enable the DeVoses of the world to while away sunny afternoons, daydreaming about innovative yacht storage solutions.

So yeah, the labor market is fairly wonky at the moment, but the solution remains as simple as it is obvious: just raise wages, you greedy fucks. ‘Course, if that happens, maybe all us serfs’ll start getting uppity ideas, like that we’re human beings, worthy of dignified lives, rather than farm animals to be exploited or lab rats to be fiddled with for amusement. Anyhow, Wisconsin Republicans’ opposition to a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work has become so fervent, they’re actually trying to roll back child labor laws rather than pay folks what their work is worth, which is surely the most populist thing this side of a golden toilet bowl full of billionaire turds.

Well, it’s home stretch time in Virginia’s gubernatorial election, and Republican Glenn Youngkin can apparently muster no greater closing argument than trotting out a known book-burning advocate masquerading as a mathematically-average American mom who is Just Concerned™️ about the dangers of exposing pure, young, white minds to the works of Toni Morrison, because government isn’t supposed to solve problems, you dummy, just perpetuate the outrage cycle feeding/distracting an easily-misled electoral base with culture war horsepoo while the wealthy quietly rob us all blind. Vote McAuliffe, if you’re able.

I see it is once again time for America’s wingnut death cult to ceremonially fete Ron DeSantis for “successfully” murdering his way through the pandemic. Having repeated this ritual so many times already, they’ve gotten really quite good at it; the congregation has grown perfectly comfortable ignoring all the newly-empty pews and fresh graves beneath the revival tent; the virus has eaten its fill and moved on, and no freedumb was sacrificed…only lives.

And now, Mad Emperor Ron-Ron proposes paying $5,000 bonuses (likely drawn from funds he’s stolen from school districts that insisted on prioritizing student health over his personal lust for cultist clout) to lure to Florida cops who quit their jobs in other states rather than comply with vaccine mandates, which, okay, is a little bit like posting a call for brownshirts on LinkedIn, but I’m sure nothing but cupcakes and bunny butts will come of deliberately fostering a culture of petulant, lawless opposition to the public good in our increasingly-militarized law enforcement communities.

Blockbuster new reporting from Rolling Stone reveals organizers of the Capitol Riot actually planned that seditious shit with STILL-SITTING MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, which, my God, somehow failed to land like what it is: earth-shaking news about one of the two or three most important events in American history. Because flooding the zone with shit works.

Why isn’t this the only thing anyone anywhere is talking about? I mean, Real-Life Christian Szell Paul Gosar apparently went so far as to promise the rioters a “blanket pardon” in the restored Reich to come. And it’s the We Can Haz Fascism? crew from this article, Gosar, Brooks, Boebert, Gohmert, Cawthorn, and Taylor-Greene, who’re taking over the GOP, while increasingly rare dissenters like Cheney and Kinzinger are made to walk the plank, to the jeers of the bloodthirsty.

Cool caucus you got there, Kev…no wonder you’ve got faceless backbenchers like…hang on, what’s this little jagoff’s name again? Blanks? Banks? Whatever, just another craven dirtbag angling for his 15 minutes of MAGA stardom by maliciously misgendering Assistant Secretary of Health Rachel Levine. The cruelty, as you may’ve heard, is the whole dang point.

Meanwhile, no haunted house, not even those screwy religious ones, can hold a candle to the horrors glimpsed behind the curtain at Facebook, that nightmarish, predatory, alternate reality where ethics simply are not a thing.

It’s staggering to contemplate the amount of harm these sociopathic nerds have caused, and yet, the full extent of their self-reflection truly seems limited to:

“Hey, our ultra-contagious brain parasite just developed yet another brand-new way to inflict human suffering on a scale that puts Stalin to shame; should we maybe, I dunno…stop doing that thing?”

“Will we make less money if we stop doing the thing?”

“We will.”

“PROCEED WITH THE THING."

Zuck is pretty much the polar opposite of Peter Parker, y’know? Anyway, a quick, clumsy rebrand, as Diet Cherry Disinformation or some shit, made all his problems disappear in a vanilla-scented puff of gaslight; why, I’ve almost forgotten the name of the country where his hellsite actively facilitated acts of genocide nope that’s a lie it’s still Myanmar.

Like, everybody’s mad at Jeff Bezos for going to space; I’m more concerned with those who invest their billions in gasoline for the world’s many fires. Like Zuckerberg. And Rupert Murdoch, who decided to legitimize the Deposed Dotard’s latest mewling, Big-Lie-spreading tantrum with placement on the op-ed page of the prestigious Wall Street Journal, one of those fancypants “newspaper” thingies you see spinning around all over the place in those fancypants old movies.

And if that’s what Rupert’s doing with his classy, “respectable” brand, it really shouldn’t surprise us that no advertiser boycott can shake his devotion to broadcasting Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, which functions, on a practical level, as night school for aspiring white nationalist radicals.

Incidentally, for anyone feeling worn out after all the homework during the recent Why Viktor Orbán is the Sexxxiest of All Possible Autocrats unit, rest easy, cuz it’s MOVIE WEEK! Yes, Fish Stix Hitler announced a three-part television event dedicated to further embiggening the Big Lie by claiming the Capitol Riot was a “false flag” operation designed to make Trumpism look like a movement of crazed, thuggish proto-Nazis, as though any aid is required on that front.

…I’m just saying, we’d probably be better off if more rich guys just wanted to fulfill childhood astronaut fantasies. Honestly, if Murdoch and his ilk could only content themselves with hunting us for sport, one at a time, on private estates where the rule of law is a polite joke…like, I dunno, that seems like a fair compromise, maybe. We could have, like, a lottery or something.

Because this strategy of trickle-down hatred…it fucking WORKS, folks.  Look no further than the event for Charlie Kirk’s grotesque little Trumpler Youth organization, where a reasonably normal, clean-cut-looking young white fellow calmly asked, “when do we get to use the guns” on…whoever this one had been trained to hate; Democrats, BLM, Soros, Stacys, black-helicopter-piloting globalist Colin Kaepernick clones, who can say, really? The point is, he’s been a good, patient boy, and he’d very much like to start to committing murders now.

Isn’t that neat? Just a dude asking, in front of God and the whole ever-lovin’ world, “say, isn’t it about time to start passing out armbands and long knives?” as casually as if he were wondering aloud whether or not those really soft throw blankets would get their customary Black Friday discount at Target this year.

Out in Idaho, a racist, open-carry-obsessed felon named Jacob Bergquist didn’t wait for permission, he just wandered over to the local shopping mall to take his best stab at mass murder. See, that’s the thing about these rabbit holes; while they’re designed with no bottom, there’s always an off-ramp for anybody who feels ready to take the plunge into violence. (That off-ramp is America’s deeply insane gun policy, for the curious.)

And think of the message being sent to every starry-eyed, wannabe white boy mass-shooter by the obscene Calvinball rules set by the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. From permission structure to institutionalized exoneration, (remember Gosar’s promised pardons?) we’re seeing a real vertical integration approach to white nationalist terrorism from the GOP; imagine if they’d redirect all that effort into ending the pandemic, or fighting climate change, or…fuck it, stamp collecting.

What else, what ellllllllse…oh yeah, we learned a little more about Richard Burr’s clever little pandemic profiteering scheme; no reason an enterprising young U.S. Senator shouldn’t line his pockets while lying thousands of his constituents into early graves, right? So long as he dutifully acquiesces to the steady chipping-away of American democracy’s pillars, of course.

On a brighter note, we just wrapped up work on the latest comic, ODD YARNS, and sent it to the printer! The Kickstarter launches on November 9th! I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but the truth is, a big ol’ chunk of the foundation of my political and ethical beliefs came from Lee/Kirby-style superhero comics, and ODD YARNS is something of a love letter to those Silver Age values.

…seriously, it’s a hoot, you’ll have a great time reading it! And we’re offering a special rewards tier for fans of the blog; custom letters from Shower Cap! I’ll write a letter to an American politician of your choosing, on an issue of your choosing! Basically, if you’ve ever wanted someone to tell your Congressthing what a turd-munching crotchfungus they are, now’s your chance! Anyway, get more information here, and sign up on our pre-launch page!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/odd-yarns

And for Pete’s sake, stay safe out there, my friends…
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