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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 49

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Did anything happen today? Wasn't paying much attention is shit still cray?

Well, I think I may be windin' these roundups down, folks...frankly, it seems like the madness is more or less subsiding so, I gu-

...wait, what? Bill Cosby's gonna go around the country giving seminars on how to avoid sexual harassment charges?

Shit, never mind. Lock me up in an asylum. And none of this modern, politically correct care-n'-treatment shit, give me a fucking 50's black-and-white nut house, with electroshock therapy and misguided performances from overzealous method actors.

Hey, I don't want to spoil Bill's little TED talk, but the secret is Be a Rich Powerful Dude and I Guess You Can Drug and Rape Women Every Third Day For Your Entire Life, plus you can pose with Cosby for a selfie for an extra 35 bucks.

Didja see that thing where a congressdoorknob from Texas said that Bill Clinton threatened to murder Loretta Lynch JUST LIKE VINCE FOSTER? That's a dude who decides what our laws are. Sleep tight.

The Shart House seems to have developed a theory that if they just shut down press access, eventually the Squawking Manbaby's twitter feed will be the only source of news in America, and the plebes will have no choice but to blindly trust them.

So I guess we're done with on-camera press briefings, because Spicey's getting love handles from all the shit his boss makes him eat. Jim Acosta's not havin' any of that trash, and he's started training with nunchucks, so watch out! And Sarah Huckabee Sanders apparently got super-pissy and told reporters "You better not tell mom that I'm not allowing you to record anything anymore! Shut up, I'm not afraid of perjury, YOUR FACE IS AFRAID OF PERJURY!!"

The Congressional Black Caucus declined a meeting with the Marmalade Shartcannon, possibly because he insists they all wear nametags that read "My African-American." Also, they were all, "Fuck you and your stupid-ass wall and your stupid-ass travel ban and your doll-like hands, and by the way the way, WTF is up with Omarasa calling herself 'The Honorable Omarasa?' What's next? Are you gonna get her a Burger King crown and a plastic scepter? How fucking crazy are you people?"

Somebody turned up the fun little detail that while Shart Carney is calling for massive cuts to public housing programs, he's keeping intact the one government subsidy...that wow-how-weird-is-this? PUTS TAXPAYER MONEY DIRECTLY IN HIS OWN POCKET. There's just some opening-scenes-of-MAGNOLIA-grade coincidence going on here.

And of course the Russia story continues its steady drip, how many FBI directors does a guy have to fire to fix that faucet, AMIRIGHT?

Time (the magazine, not the unstoppable force that kills us all) tells us that the Russians were successful in stealing some voter info, and even altering some voter data, isn't that a fun little fact? Oh, and the House Intelligence Committee is investigating whether any of this stolen data wound up in the hands of anyone working on a certain Tumorous Tangelo's campaign, which would be collusion, wow isn't it weird that all these fucks are hiring lawyers?

Somehow, improbably, with multiple investigations and news organizations and basically the entire fucking world digging into all their shady ties with Boris and Natasha and their amazing friends, these fuckheads continue doing Uncle Vlad's bidding at every opportunity.

Seriously. After a massively bipartisan Russian sanctions bill passed the Senate, Shartboy wants to water it down. Rex Tillerson looks to the nation that tried to hack into election systems from coast to coast and actually wants to COLLABORATE WITH THEM ON CYBERSECURITY, WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?

It can't possibly be JUST a pee tape, folks. It's got to be like, video from seven angles of Drumpf lying on his back, wanking with a socket wrench while a hooker who looks suspiciously like Ivanka craps directly into his open mouth.

Oh, and I guess the CIA knew that Mike Flynn was a blackmailable foreign agent who also prefers Van Halen with the lead singer from Extreme, but Mike Pompeo kept right on telling him All the Secrets anyway. My sources tell me that classified intel will henceforth be posted weekly in "I have code word clearance, AMA!" Reddit sessions, cuz let's just cut out the fucking middleman.

The Anthropomorphic Outhouse was feeling all sorts of cocky after the GOP held onto a historically incontestable house seat by a smaller-than-his-wee-wee-hands margin, so he held hisself a campaign rally! He lied a bunch, and he promised to pass a law that's already a law ("My next big idea: Chocolate...and PEANUT BUTTER!"), he claimed that 1,300 coal mining jobs were actually 33,000 coal mining jobs, and he got his army of Rubes to cheer his selling of the executive branch to Goldman Sachs alums, because they are Rubes, and if he set their houses on fire, they'd thank him for sparing them that unpleasant closet reorganization project they'd been putting off.

But those heavily-publicized Carrier jobs keep getting shipped off to Mexico...

Anyhow, I guess the Elephant in the room (Get it?!?! ELEPHANT?!?!??! Cuz the GOP logo is a....GET IT?!?!?!??!?!??!) is the Senate GOP's Shorten Our Constituents Lifespans Act!

The idea had been that the grown-ups/cooler heads/withered old white dudes in the Upper Chamber would produce a more rational, moderate, "nice" bill. Well, Mitch McConnell, realizing he was advancing in years and that Mephistopheles would shortly demand the millions of souls he offered up in exchange for his political career, and that merely disappearing an intern here and there wasn't gonna get the job done, decided it was finally Leroy Jenkins time.

The bill is notable for two things; its staggering cruelty, and the true hallmark of the McConnell genius at work, the Rube-Goldberg-esque implementation designed to insulate the perpetrators of the greatest act of mass murder in American history from the political consequences of their actions. Y'see, the massive, comic-book-villain-level Medicaid cuts don't start 'till after a number of elections have come and gone, and Mitch is comfortably knocking back Mint Juleps on his plantation. Shit, tying Medicaid payments to inflation guarantees the most tragic long term effects of his bill won't even show up in the CBO score. Golly, I bet his only regret is that he won't be around to see all the untold suffering he's inflicting on generations of American serfs. (And so a single tear rolls down his scaly cheek.)

Oh, and Yertle celebrated by having the capitol police drag some disabled protesters away in handcuffs. There was actually even blood spilled, which McConnell ordered his chief of staff to collect, so that Mitch could sprinkle it on his morning oatmeal.

Senator John Cornyn said he couldn't IMAGINE a more open and transparent process, which helps you understand why he turned to politics after a failed stab at being an adventure novelist. (Cornyn's "Indiana Jones and the Time Diet Coke Was On Sale But the Store Was Out Before He Got There" screenplay was never produced.)

Oh, and at least Chuck Schumer got a good troll in when he made Joni Ernst, while presiding over the senate, read the GOP's hypocrisy into the congressional record. I'm planning on laughing about that a lot when I'm otherwise occupied with dying of a treatable disease.

Jokes aside, the bill is a fucking abomination.

Unless you're rich! Shit, if you're ridiculously fucking wealthy, now you can finally have that 60-foot-tall butter sculpture of yourself constructed on your private island! You can hire Kid Rock to write a song about your potbelly pig! You can finance your own private hunger games, where you pit asthmatics against each other and the winner gets to live an extra six months!

But the rest of us are good and righteously fucked! We'll pay more and get less! We'll watch people we care about die needlessly! We'll see what happens when we get old and nursing homes are no longer a thing! Our children will be born in gas station restrooms because childbirth won't be covered anymore! We'll spend our lives trapped in shit jobs that give us health insurance because FREE WILL IS FOR CLOSERS, YOU SOYLENT SCUMBAGS!

The fucking bill actually gives insurance company CEOs a tax break on earnings over $500,000, because senate republicans want to rub your nose in the fact that you're not really a human being to them unless you finance a PAC.

And of course all the so-called moderates are falling in line. MINO (That's still Maverick in Name Only) John McCain bitched for days about the secretive process, but today he was all "Nah, we can vote on this after a week, I gotta get back in time for Wapner!" Collins and Murkowski are furrowing their brows, wondering if their constituents will let them get away with taking a victory lap for stripping the temporary defunding of Planned Parenthood while not noticing that they're investing heavily in graveyards and cremation facilities.

And meanwhile, the Smug Prick Caucus (Cruz, Paul, a couple of other assclowns) got out in front of their colleagues to state their opposition to the bill for its insufficient murderousness. Rand Paul demands further Obamacare repeal, and Ted Cruz insists he be allowed to wander through hospital ICUs personally unplugging machines on his off days, and I'm pretty sure Ron Johnson just wants a couple of straight-up slaves.

And they'll get what they're asking for. Meanwhile the so-called "moderates" will get an INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE mouse pad a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card, and call it a day.

I fully expect Mitch to rip off his suit, revealing a too-tight black t-shirt emblazoned with "RICH LIVES MATTER," which will be the Republican Party's official campaign slogan from here on out.

Eager to distract the public, and more importantly the media, from all the poor folks he was about to butcher, Orange Julius Caesar picked today to say "Did I say I had recordings of my conversations with Jim Comey? KIDDING, MADE YOU LOOK!" So I guess that means he lied just to intimidate a witness. Robert Mueller was seen dancing gleefully in his underwear, Risky-Business-style, in what I'm sure is an unrelated development.

Oh fuck, I'm ready to pass out, but FUCKING OF COURSE THERE'S MORE. The Pizzagate shooter was sentenced, I guess Marco Rubio doesn't know how to hug, and there's something called a Breatharian?


Oh, just a light madness check-in

Fucking hell, what a week. Welcome to the dark American joke: What do a serial rapist and cop who murders a black man while he's complying with said cop's orders have in common? They're both walking around today totally free of consequences. And as you scan every other column of the day's newspaper, are you starting to think maybe we don't live in the America your middle school Civics textbook promised? Me too, Resisters...me too.

Ugh. Anyhow, let's catch up on the madness.

Hey, I dunno if you saw this, but the President of the United States is under FBI investigation! For obstruction of justice! Everybody's yelling at teevees and getting lawyers and lawyers for their lawyers, are you supposed to get a present for your lawyer's lawyer at Xmastime, or is just a card fine? Asking for a Bloated Orange Asshole.

Anyhow, Team Shart is leaning HARD into a strategy of discrediting Bob Mueller and his team. Noot Gingrich is out on every show that'll give him time, I guess cuz his wife isn't sick enough to cheat on yet, running his mouth about what a hack the Bronze Star/Purple Heart-winning dude with universal bipartisan respect is, and how we should trust the racist goon who ran a fake college instead. Good luck, Noot.

Folks, it doesn't take a genius to see the strategy here. You don't try to paint an investigator as a liar unless you know the investigation will inevitably turn up some legit DIRT. The only chance this Flock of Rectums has to survive the storm that's coming is to fortify their Rube base, and hope they'll screech loud enough that the institutional GOP will be so scared to piss them off that they'll ignore the constitution, the rule of law, and basic human decency.

These bastards can, in short, fool some of the people all of time...but that group is an ever-shrinking minority, and the million dollar question is how many will stick around when the bill comes due.

Meanwhile, the House wing of the Russia investigation will be "inviting" Drumpf campaign digital director Brad Parscale for a little chat about Russian bots and foreign plots and ethical rot and whatnot.

And shit, this isn't even the only investigation the Walking Liposuction Vat is under! The U.S. Commission on Civil Rights announced an investigation of their own! Hard to say what they'll turn up, it's not the like the administration is working on massive cuts to the Civil Rights Division in the Justice Department, or the education department is run by an evangelical lunatic who refuses to stand up for the rights of LGBT students, or the Attorney General is practically a Grand Wizard who was TOO RACIST FOR THE 1980'S FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Oh wait.

Things are actually bad all over for the parade of fuckheads calling themselves the Republican Party. See that bit where Chris Christie became least popular governor in the history of American polling? 15% approval rating. Adding insult to injury, none of that 15% is Bruce Springsteen.

Fox news dropped their trademark "Fair & Balanced" tag line, allegedly because they no longer wish to be linked to a phrase so closely associated with Famed Dead Pervert Roger Ailes. Me, I'll assume Rupert Murdoch has contracted some sort of Pinocchio-like curse.

Leaked audio of a speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull mocking Ol' Sunny D-Bag made some headlines. 732 White House sources tell me the President had to be tackled before he could order the launch of 45 Tomahawk missiles at the Sydney Opera House in retaliation.

Speaking of the military, I guess the President has decided that civilian oversight of the armed forces is for chumps who don't have golfing to do, as he told Mad Dog Mattis "Do whatever the fuck you want, bro, I got television sets to yell at." I'm sure the corresponding increase in civilian casualties is a coincidence and will result in no negative consequences whatsoever. Slaughtering children never made anybody join a jihadist organization, right?

Meanwhile Mitch McConnell continues to keep the Senate GOP's version of the AHCA totally secret from everyone, which is exactly what you do when you have a great bill that everyone will love because of all the American lives it improves.

HHS secretary Price hasn't seen it. John McCain hasn't seen it, but he seems sure it's rad. 15 patient advocacy groups, including the American Heart Association and the freakin' March of Dimes, asked Mitch if they could please see the bill and offer their input and were told by the majority leader to kindly go fuck themselves.

Yertle the Turtle seems to think nobody will notice their health insurance has been taken away until their cancer has spread enough to render them incapable of voting. Resisters, whaddya say we get on the phones this week and disprove that little theory?

Meanwhile, frustrated at all the winning that their God Emperor isn't doing, a bunch of Shartkins have decided to vent their frustrations on Shakespeare. They are SO MAD at Julius Caesar that they're sending death threats to every theatre they can find, so the ones that aren't near Burger Kings or strip clubs should be safe.

A couple of particularly publicity-minded dipshits interrupted the Public Theatre's production on Friday night. They were super proud of themselves, and rushed to twitter to declare victory, but the show went on (as it inevitably must), and following the assclown ejection, the stage manager got on the intercom and was all "Actors, pick up from 'Liberty! Freedom!'" and the audience cheered because Shakespeare > Fascist Dickbags.

Sherriff Dave Clarke decided to un-accept a post in DHS, thank all the gods in all the heavens. He said through a spokesman that his decision was based on a desire to spend more time with the corpses in his jail, and to continue cosplaying a legitimately important man at comic book conventions.

Anyhow, the Half-Circus-Peanut/Half-Testicular Tumor engaged in his one true political passion this week: reversing one of his predecessor's policies. Does Drumpf understand one fucking thing about Cuba policy? Fuck no. But Little Marco Rubio pulled him aside and whispered in his ear about how that Black Guy Who Laughed at You at the Correspondent's Dinner really loved his Cuba decision, so now we're right back to trying the one thing that failed every single day for 50 years, because that's how things are done these days, Jesus Fuck.

Donald J Trump, the "J" Stands for "I Have to Pay For Sex," enjoys proclaiming theme weeks of late, and this was Flagrant Corruption Week!

The Marmalade Shartcannon released a financial disclosure form this week, primarily to rub everybody's nose in how he's getting away with his thrice-hourly violations of the emoluments clause. Yup, while he might not be passing any legislation of significance, our President sure is doing well on the Rakin'-in-Bribes front, thanks to a docile GOP, unwilling to conduct the slightest bit of law enforcement or oversight.

(Mid-terms are comin', collaborators. Tick tock.)

Oh, and Sweet Potato Pol Pot actually appointed his son's wedding planner to an important post in HUD, overseeing the housing of more than half a million people in New York and New Jersey, because ass-kissing is the only thing that matters on anybody's resume these days. Seriously, a goddamn wedding planner. Remember the days when that woulda been the biggest story in the country for like, three weeks? Those were the fucking Wonder Years.

A new package of Russia sanctions passed the Senate with an all-but-impossible 97-2 bipartisan majority. And the executive branch actually wants to water them down as much as possible, because whatever Uncle Vlad has on Boss Shart is somehow worse than than constantly doing the Kremlin's bidding while under investigation for collaborating with them during the election.

Oh, and it turns out the Russians renewed a bunch of Don the Con's trademarks, included a handful...on election night last November. Yet another coincidence, I'm sure.

Or maybe it was Did You Believe Me When I Made Campaign Promises? Well, Suck My Withered Microwang, Rubes! Week. Not content with his already-massive betrayal of his base on the health care front, reports say Orange Julius Caesar is poised to reverse his promises on reducing drug prices in order to roll out a series of "reforms" that will benefit the drug industry at the expense of the rest of us, how unlike him. HEALTH CARE IS FOR CLOSERS, PLEBES.

And despite vaulting to power on the wings of crowds of racist yokels screaming "Build That Wall!," Shart-o the Klown quietly walked back his plan to deport DREAMers, but don't worry, the right wing media refused to report on it, so the frothing mobs will go right on believing it never happened.

WaPo reported that Orange Julius Caesar is having himself a hard time filling the vacancies in his administration, what with the corruption and fundamental indecency and so forth. I guess folks are thinkin' "Served a treasonous authoritarian fuckstick" won't be what the lobbying firm headhunters will be lookin' for once this whole shitshow blows up in a few weeks, who'da guessed?

As always, there's more, and I'd get in to it, but a Rasmussen poll was released today saying I'm greatest left-handed pitcher of all time, so I'm gonna go try out for Cubs now, y'all are on your own.

Oh, we're "angry" and "hostile" now, huh?

Somewhat predictably, a bunch of voices from the GOP are out making the rounds already, screeching that after the endless parade of right wing shooters/murderers all being Lone Wolves Who Couldn't Possibly Have Been Motivated in Any Small Way By the Perpetual Right Wing Outrage Media Machine, today's shooting (well, the first one. There was actually a SECOND mass shooting.) is 100% the fault of the Entire Left and their unfair criticism of the Poor Put Upon Victim in the Oval Office.



Seriously, fuck right off forever.

And before we move on, Fuck You Too, James Hodgkinson. Fuck you for thinking you have the right to gun down any human being who disagrees with you. You're a murderous piece of shit and you're no different from any other murderous piece of shit. You're Dylann Roof. You're George Zimmerman. Fuck you for all eternity.

Now, for Newt and co. I believe we were at "fuck off."

You want to blame anger on the left for this? You think we should "tone it down?"


FUCK no, in fact.

You're right, though. We ARE angry.

We're angry you've thrown the full weight of one of our nation's two great political parties behind a cheap con man, a petty crook, a serial sexual abuser, a minority-blaming fear-monger, a racist sack of trash, a wannabe authoritarian doing all he can to knock down the fundamental pillars of American democracy

We're angry you're trying to steal health care from millions of us just to give a fat stack of money to your billionaire donors.

We're angry that you've pulled us out of the Paris Climate Agreement, that you pretend climate change is fake in order to better do the bidding of the fossil fuel companies that fund your party.

We're angry that you refuse to conduct oversight as the President and his grifter family repeatedly break the law doing all they can to use their office to line their own pockets.

We're angry that you stand silently by as the President attacks the judiciary and the press, as he lies about voter fraud. Obviously we're angry that you stand behind a dirtbag who incited violence time and time again on the campaign trail, and somehow act like any criticism of him, however legitimate, is to blame for this morning's tragedy.

We're angry that you shield the administration from the consequences of their crimes. That you refuse to hold them to account for their perjury and their obstruction.

We're angry that you're trying to destroy Planned Parenthood, that you don't believe women have the right the make decisions about their own reproductive health, their own bodies.

We're angry that you refused to recognize LGBT Pride month, that you act like the great civil rights battle of the 21st century is fighting to allow bigots legal cover to humiliate and discriminate against their fellow Americans under the comical guise of "religious liberty."

We're angry that you're shitting on our constitution in a cowardly, fear-driven attempt to impose a religious test on refugees and immigrants.

We're angry at the surge in civilian casualties in the increasingly unsupervised military actions in the Middle East.

We're angry that you're trying to cut everything from medical research to the State Department to NPR to meals on wheels just so the richest among us can be a little richer.

We're angry that you're trying to sell public lands to fossil fuel companies. We're angry that you're selling out public schools. We're angry that you're trying to steal away our hard-won consumer protections to make it easier for predatory financial institutions to take advantage of us. We're angry that you're attacking net neutrality.

We're angry that you find yourself in power at least partially because of the malicious actions of a hostile foreign adversary, and that you're doing everything you can muster to cover up for them, to shield those who benefited from accountability.

And yes, we're angry, by the way, that you've done everything in your power to make sure that guns, even semi-automatic guns with high capacity magazines, are pathetically easy for anyone to get ahold of without trouble, even domestic abusers like the man who shot up the GOP congressional baseball practice this morning. You may recall a few weeks ago, when you repealed a regulation that made it harder for the mentally ill to purchase firearms. We're mad about that, too. We're angry about all the senseless, useless, utterly preventable gun deaths, from Sandy Hook to Aurora to Pulse to the shooting at a UPS facility in San Francisco just today, all enabled by your shameful servility to death merchants in the NRA. We're not just angry about the mass shootings, of course. We're angry about the children who die when they find their guardian's unsecured gun. The victims of gang violence. The countless women murdered by abusive partners. The suicides that need not have been. The arguments that turned fatal because a firearm was near. The law enforcement officers killed by armed criminals. And all those lives lost just from gun accidents. You're goddamn right we're angry.

In short, we are, you're right, mighty fuckin' angry about a whole bunch of shit that we are 100%, completely, totally, overwhelmingly CORRECT TO BE ANGRY ABOUT. Anyone who loves their country, their planet, and their fellow human beings is going to be angry about this shit.

And now, we're even angrier at the bullshit double-standard you're applying to this tragedy in contrast to all the others. That you have the gall to attempt to order us into silence while you keep destroying our nation under the bumbling "leadership" of the petty tyrant goon you're all so willingly enabling is as galling as it is laughable. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but Fuck Right Off.

We're not shutting up, Newt, sorry. We'll continue overwhelming your call boards, protesting at your town halls, and marching in the streets. We will continue to meet your horrific agenda with the hostility it so richly deserves. And come election night next year, we're kicking your sorry, collaborating asses straight to the private sector.

And today felt like a SLOW news day. Fuck.

Well, I suppose today's madness was comparatively light. (Scans news feed.) Wow, my standards sure have changed this year.

We all went to bed worrying about whether the Malignant Mango Madman would fire Robert Mueller. Even Republican leaders are all, "Sweet Christ on Toast, don't do that, you potato-brained moron!," and we're assured that top aides keep telling him what a terrible idea it is, but as smarter folks than I have pointed out, only Donnie Darko himself knows exactly how much garbage Mueller's eventually going to dig up, so good luck restraining a tantruming billionaire looking to avoid the consequences for a lifetimes' worth of what we can assume are legit serious crimes. Cornered animals are legendarily docile and friendly, right?

So I guess Oliver Stone is makin' the rounds pimping some great big multi-part asslicking interview he shot with Uncle Vlad? While I'll be the first to acknowledge that the United States isn't always the Good Guy out there in the lager world, Stone is one of those lunatics who's swung so far left he's coming back around from the right, taking criticism of his country so far that he's talking up the positive sides of a murderous thug. "Sure, he has critics jailed or killed, but his enthusiastic fandom of professional bowling is really quite endearing!"

Speaking of Ollie's good buddy, Bloomberg told us that Russia tried to hack voter databases and election software in 39 states last year. That's not a big deal, I mean, there are like, 6,000 states, right? Wait, what? Just 50? Well, fuck.

Anyhow, it seems the hackers tried to "alter or delete" voter data. The story as it stands right now is that they were somehow 100% unsuccessful in their efforts. Which, considering a handful of swing state votes planted a certain second-place finisher in charge of the most potent military in the history of the world, strikes me as something worth following up on. Anyhow, in light of these cyber attacks, the Obama administration tried to take steps to protect the integrity of our election systems, but Republicans, who had already balked at telling the American people that Vlad & co were interfering in our election on Drumpfy's behalf, refused, because if you have to betray your nation to cut rich folks' taxes, SO FUCKING BE IT.

Meanwhile, the Guardian tells us that Princess Ivanka has her Kellyanne-Conway-endorsed products made in an Indonesian sweatshop that cheats and abuses their barely-paid workers! Forgive my editorializing, friends, but I'm starting to think this Trump family maybe doesn't always act altruistically.

Hey, turns out the Golden State Warriors celebrated their NBA championship by voting, allegedly unanimously, to skip the traditional celebratory White House visit on account of how the President is a hatemongering bowl of hippopotamus diarrhea instead of a relatively well-intentioned human being like usual. Good on ya, Warriors!

Seems the Senate GOP, in their ever-more-desperate attempts to keep their forthcoming Surprise (We're Taking Away Your Health Care, Enjoy Cancer) Party a secret, decided to take Boss Shart's authoritarianism out for a little test drive. These fucks tried telling reporters that, in spite of decades of precedent, they'd no longer be able to record interviews with Senators in Senate hallways without a permission slip and also answering seven riddles. Backlash was swift, unanimous*, and effective, as the policy was reversed before the daytime soaps were over.

*Well, ALMOST unanimous. Senator Tim Scott came up with the novel excuse that the new ban was necessary to protect poor, innocent senators from having their PINs stolen by treacherous journalists, because that's literally the closest thing to a legitimate reason for public servants attacking the free press any of these assclowns could muster.

Have you noticed that the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser has started blocking critical Twitter users? It's totally normal for an American President to deny American citizens access to his communications, right? RIGHT? Anyhow, in his fervor to silence dissent, he seems to have added VoteVets, an organization that represents thousands of veterans and their families, to his silent treatment list. Telling veterans to go fuck themselves is the new We Have Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. Or something.

John McCain made some comments the other day that were super critical of the Spraytan Sultan, and today he walked them right back like the MINO (that's Maverick In Name Only, if you're just getting here) he is. And then today, it turns out that his wife is going to work for the President, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE.

Anyhow, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein's testimony was the day's opening act, and while he's not as established as the headliner, I think his new single, "I'm the Only Guy Who Can Fire Mueller and I Wouldn't Do it Without Cause Even if Littlefinger Ordered Me To," is catchy and will become a surprise summer hit.

On to main event.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III took an oath he was planning to immediately, repeatedly, and gleefully violate, turned around in place three times, and finally settled into his chair. The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg was barkin' mad about all the vile insinuations that arose from a silly ol' thing like committing perjury in multiple settings regarding undisclosed meetings with Russian bigwigs while Russia was doing all it could to swing the election to his Bloat of a boss. His honah was impugned, y'see.

Anyhow, to hear JeffBeau tell it, he only done perjured himself so bad because that tricksy Jewish boy from Minnesota tripped him up with his fancy questionin' and whatnot, YOU KNOW HOW THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

It all went down exactly as you'd have expected. The Republicans on the panel did all they could to prop up the bullshit story that Ol' Beau violated his recusal to recommend Jim Comey's firing in a fit of outrage at how unfairly Jimward treated that poor Clinton woman. Richard Burr covered Jeff's ass so vigorously, you want to refer to him as an Alabama Speedo. Tom Cotton joked about how everything is silly like a spy book, and Jefferson smiled awkwardly because he cannot read.

And the Democrats, in contrast, asked REAL questions, which the Attorney General steadfastly refused to answer. Sessions repeatedly insisted he wasn't invoking executive privilege, but rather a for-sure-real Special Sumthin' that gives him the right to not answer questions if he doesn't wanna, let's call it...Muxecupive Scmivlige.

A particular highlight was when America's lead law enforcement official told us casually that he's never had a single briefing on Russian interference in the election. Reminds you of last week, when Jazzy Jim told us that while the Sunny D-Bag kept trying to get all those pesky investigations stopped, he never once asked about Russian interference either. Maybe I'm not being fair here, but it's almost as if this administration doesn't want a hostile foreign power to stop manipulating America's electoral system on their behalf. (Somewhere, Jim Risch collapses on a fainting couch.)

All the Republicans took special care to shush Senator Kamala Harris because she is not only a female person but a black one, and Mistuh Sessions simply would not abide bein' talked down to by someone of such persuasions. If you'd been able to read Jeff's mind at that precise moment, he'd have been thinking "back in my day..." and finished that thought with something genuinely horrifying that I'd as soon not contemplate.

Anyhow, even though Senators Harris, King and Heinrich made him squirm a bit for spoutin' all that gentlemanly bullshit, Sessions mostly smirked and filibustered through the hearing, confident that the Republican-controlled Senate wouldn't hold him in contempt of congress just because he was in contempt of congress. I swear, these jags must think tomorrow never will just never fucking come.

While his white supremacist bloodhound testified, the Candycorn Skidmark was talking up his Let's Mulch the Plebes, excuse me, "Health Care" bill with some other senators, and he called the house version of the AHCA "mean," which is a bit like referring to the most famous day in Pompeii history as "a bit muggy." If it was so "mean," can I ask why you threw the full power of your office and pulpit behind it, and held a giant fucking party in the Rose Garden when they passed it, you great big Shart?

Oh, and it turns out even USA Today is on the deep-dig investigative journalism bandwagon, (which David Fahrenthold was doing before it was cool) cuz they dropped a little bomb about how the Drumpf Organization increasingly sells property to shady, secretive, LLC shell companies to shield the identities of the buyers so it's harder to find out just exactly who's bribing our President. We have all sorts of problems we never imagined in Donald Trump's America, don't we?

Anyhow, on the less sexxxy level, Team Shart continues to rampage through the Federal government on the cabinet level. They're trying to gut the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's independence. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to sell chunks of the Bear Ears National Monument to oil companies or Scrooge McDuck or something, because even the Secretary of the Interior is a fuckhead now. Rex Tillerson keeps dutifully advocating for his boss' massive cuts to the State Department, mostly because Rex seems to think that'll be easier than taking the time to learn what exactly it is the State Department does. Scott Pruitt is probably personally pouring oil on baby otters. These people suck, is what I'm saying.

Times are nutty and gross folks, but at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that Old Shartful's disapproval ratings hit 60% today, lower than any President except Dubya, and that was after years of fucking up the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and also the Katrina debacle.

Everybody hates him, and his party, and we're one day closer to our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. And that's good.

Seriously, this shit has to be an elaborate prank, right? RIGHT?

Whelp, the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard takes his turn on the hot seat tomorrow; he tried to sneak by with a private hearing, but nobody was having any of that shit, so America gets to watch the Yokel of Injustice refuse to answer questions tomorrow afternoon, live! in stunning Technicolor!

Keep your eye on the lawsuit filed by the Maryland and D.C. Attorneys General* regarding the Shart Administration's violations of the emoluments clause. These OG AGs say their first target will be the ever-elusive Trumpal tax returns, which surely contain some serious shit if he's still holding on to them. I really can't imagine what he's hiding that's worth the backlash and headache. Direct deposits labeled "Putin bribe fund?" 10,000 per month for pee hookers? Sponsorship of the Annual Goldman Sachs Kitten and Puppy BBQ? Kickstarter to relaunch Walker: Texas Ranger? I don't know what it is, but it's gotta be fucking AWFUL.

I hear that MINO (That's "Maverick in Name Only") John McCain told some folks that America was better off under Barack Hussein Obama than it is under Donald J (The J stands for "Shit-eating Assclown") Trump, before returning to the Senate to continue voting for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING DRUMPF ASKS FOR because John-John plays it the company way, every goddamn time.

Would-be Soylent Green Factory Foreman Mick Mulvaney told us he's "never going back" to electoral politics once he goes down with the rest of the Shartanic, proving that even the darkest clouds have a silver fucking lining.

Meanwhile, certain corners of the right-wing media Bubba-ul feigned outrage that Kirsten Gillibrand used the F(uck) Word, before the party got back to rearranging the health care system into a poor-people-murdering machine at the behest of their pussy-grabbing leader.

Oh, and Princess Ivanka went on Fux and Friendz to complain about how VICIOUS the political culture is, somehow oblivious to all the violence-inciting, sexual-assaulting, minority-blaming, family-wrecking, DREAMer-deporting, race-baiting, law-breaking, constitution-wrecking, and health-care-obliterating her shitbag Daddy's been up to. Compare the "viciousness" your skidmark family deals with to the legit cruelty of Paul Ryan stealing health care from cancer patients because the Plebe Class doesn't deserve retirement, Princess, and once you're done, why don't you just go fuck yourself for all eternity.

Megyn Kelly continues her Great Assholes of the Twenty-First Century series this coming Sunday night with a special interview with Lunatic Hate Monster Alex Jones. That NBC announced an interview with a "Sandy Hook Truther" on the anniversary of the Pulse massacre is in such horrendous taste you'd think the idea emanated from Steve Bannon's desk. Anyhow, JP Morgan Chase pulled its ads from NBC in response, and I hope Megyn's interview draws fewer viewers than a televised Scrabble tournament, because fuck everybody who decided to give Alex Jones a bigger platform.

A week from Sunday, Kelly will probably interview Idi Amin's ghost. Or Bill Cosby.

Anyhow, we're learning more and more about the team of utterly unqualified lawyers the Marmalade Shartcannon has hired to deal with the hurricane-grade shitstorm of scandal he's in. He's got a team of lawyers with tremendous expertise...in totally irrelevant fields. It's a bit like assembling an Ocean's 11-esque squad of elite criminals...to face the Golden State Warriors in a basketball game.

Mark Corallo made the laughably incorrect argument that US Attorneys work for the President rather than people. Real estate lawyer Marc Kasowitz told Shart House staff not to worry about hiring their own attorneys, and allegedly wants office space in the actual White House. Jay Sekulow, primarily an operative for the religious right, suggests his boss might fire Robert Mueller. Point is, this pathetic clownstack is totally unsuited to the battle they've been hired to fight. FUCKING GOOD.

Mitch McConnell has decided to keep the Senate's Murder bill, excuse me "Health Care Reform" bill, secret until 11 seconds before he holds a vote on it, because he's a sharp cookie who knows the American people don't want to die from treatable ailments just so the richest people in the country can have enough money to buy sports teams and islands and I assume slaves will be on the table by 2019. I guess the plan is to slip the bill through in the dead of night and count on Boss Shart to suspend democracy before they have to face the consequences.

Meanwhile, the collection of Dickens villains calling themselves the House Freedom Caucus are threatening to take Drumpf's tax plan hostage unless he starves even MORE serfs to death, because Mark Meadows owes the Grim Reaper some poker debts, I guess.

Spankin' New Montana Congressthug Greg Gianforte was sentenced today. 40 hours of community service, a little anger management, and a fee lower than the cost of an iPhone. That's the price a public servant pays in the United States of America when he assaults a member of the press. I'll be that'll make the current regime think twice before they continue making lightly veiled threats of violence against the filthy, subhuman Lügenpresse! In other news, a poll revealed that a full 42% of Shart voters say bodyslamming a reporter is "appropriate," sleep tight.

The cabinet finally gathered for their first meeting this afternoon, which is totally normal, right? The Congealed Fart That Won the Electoral College spoke first, celebrating himself for accomplishing more than All the Presidents Ever, which is totally true if you just ignore the first 44 of them. He got mad at Democrats for obstructing all the nominations he has failed to make, and also for making his gigantic ass look fat in his golf pants, and for his stupid haircut, and for that time Stone Cold Steve Austin stunned him.

And then shit got good and righteously weird, as he made the whole Cabinet go around in a circle and talk about Great and Big-Handed he is, and because the Venn Diagram of "Republicans" and "People with Dignity" looks like a pair of spectacles, they obliged one by one. Nobody kissed ass quite like Rinse Pubis, whose little speech was possibly more spineless than all the jellyfish in all the oceans in all the world, but when the whole ritual was over, the rest of the Cabinet made him eat the soggy cracker anyway.

(Google "Soggy Cracker" if you don't know what I'm talking about. You're welcome.)

Chuck Schumer cut a little video trolling those groveling sycophants over all the orange dookie they got on their lips on CNN this afternoon, possibly because he's angling for a Netflix standup special. Look it up, it's good for a yuck.

Vlad Putin took time away from impersonating Nosferatu today just long enough to have a leading opposition figure jailed, and his fan club president, a certain unnamed bloated golfer, wrote him a long gushing love note about how Tuff and Strong he is, and how he wishes he could throw Jake Tapper and Nancy Pelosi and David Frum into a gulag, do you have any tips, and then he sprayed perfume on the letter and sealed it with a kiss and told Paul Ryan to hand-deliver it, and Paul Ryan did, because he has a wad of stale chewing gum where most people have a soul.

Pumpkin Spice Goebbels' travel ban got held up in another court today, either because it's super-duper-unconstitutional, or because all judges are cucks, depending on where you get your news. Sources say Stephen Miller was so upset he smacked his forehead so hard that his bald patch expanded into international waters.

Oh hey, and Human Rights Watch is investigating the United States for possible Geneva Convention violations, because the rampaging tumor that is our current administration isn't content to just fuck shit up in this hemisphere. Is the U.S. military illegally, and fucking horrifically, exploding white phosphorus over populated areas in Raqqa? As evil as the fucks running the country are, God I hope they haven't stooped this low. We shall see.

Illinois Representative Mike Quigley introduced some legislation that would make a certain tiny-fingered, thin-skinned, wannabe Pol Pot's tweets official Presidential records, with all the responsibility and legal implications that go along with that, and because Democrats can crack wise, chew gum, and fight for justice all at once, he called it the COVFEFE ACT, and my sources tell me he rubbed his balls on it before submitting it to congress.

Cheez-It-Late-Period-Brando's poll numbers continue to seek the lowest point of the Mariana Trench. 36-59 today. It's almost as though insulting Schwarzenegger's ratings and enabling coal-ash dumping into public water supplies haven't made America great again. ("Strongly approve" is down to 20%. TEE FUCKING HEE.)

Three U.S. soldiers were killed in Afghanistan on Saturday, and our President hasn't said one single word about them. But he sure as shit had time to call James Comey a coward and hang out with the Clemson football team, because the withered raisin that is our President's ego will always, ALWAYS matter more to him than any other human beings' lives.

Oh, and apparently SCROTUS wants to fire Rugged Robert Mueller to keep him from investigating All The Crimes, but all his aides are like "SWEET JESUS DON'T DO THAT," but they've had so much success getting him to stop tweeting I don't have a lot of hope on this front so I'll see y'all at the constitutional crisis on Thursday.

There's more. There's ALWAYS FUCKING MORE. There's shit about the G7's climate statement and a fucking bill to make it easier to buy silencers because there's not quite enough murder in America, and there's a new article of impeachment, and I guess Dennis Rodman is going to North Korea, what could go wrong? I read this crap all goddamn day long and I can barely keep up. Shit be cray, is all I'm sayin'.

*How fucking cool do I feel for getting to say "Attorneys General" in my post tonight? I feel like, 87% of Leonard Cohen cool.

Been gone awhile. Shit still cray?

Hey there folks. So, I've been out of town for a few days, and I'm trying to catch up on the news real quick. Maybe you can help me out. Is shit still cray? Is shit still breathtakingly, overwhelmingly, face-smashingly, bat-shittingly cray?

I actually took off just as that Jim Varney fellah was doing his Ernest Goes to Testify Before the Senate Intelligence Committee show, and I missed a lot of it. I understand John McCain was wandering around the Senate floor with his hospital gown on backwards or some shit, and I lack the words to describe how sorry I am to have missed the Party-Line Maverick making an ass of himself.

Anyhoo, from what I gather, Jazzy Jim went under oath and was all, "Yeah, all the shit you've read is true, Orange Julius Caesar tried to get me to lay off Flynn and back down on Russia and then he fired me cuz I wouldn't and if you don't believe me watch that Lester Holt interview where he said it himself. Also I leaked shit about the totally-unclassified memos I took in order to pressure the Justice Department into appointing a special counsel which is exactly what happened CHECK AND MATE BITCHES!!!!" and then he twerked on the table for a bit I was told.

Seems the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard finds himself in deeper shit than ever before. Y'know how JeffBeau always has that strained, vacant, vaguely terrified expression in every photo he takes, like he just sat on a pie and he's scared to stand up? Don't know if you've noticed, but there's more fear in his eyes every single week, as the walls keep closin' on in.

That is the look of a man who understands his day of reckoning is at hand.

And considering that it turns out that yet another undisclosed meeting between Sessions and certain unsavory Russians has surfaced, meaning the distinguished Attorney General has extra-special, super-deluxe, whipped-cream-and-a-maraschino-cherry-on-top perjured himself, expect those beady little eyes of his to keep gettin' wider and wider until he looks like a fucking anime caricature of the mediocre Alabama trash that he is.

And so Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has cancelled a public hearing scheduled for Tuesday in favor of a private one, in which he is expected to more or less reenact that John Turturro scene in MILLER'S CROSSING.

At any rate, Team Shart's strategy seems to be to just declare victory and hope that if they keep popping champagne and ordering congratulatory ice cream cakes, nobody will pay attention when the impeachment trial starts.

But anyone who understands anything about the law is telling us the Comey testimony built a mightily damning case for obstruction of justice, but don't worry, Shart-Shart, your lawyer sent out a letter that mis-spelled "President," so you'll be fine.

Of course, at Fox and Breitbart, everything is peachy-keen. The ratings may be plummeting and the advertisers may be fleeing, but they're merrily concocting their alternate reality where Shart Garfunkel wins everything up to and including the NBA MVP and coal mining jobs keep falling from the sky like so much pigeon shit.

Seriously, the shrinking/shrieking right-wing media bubble has learned one big lesson from their Russian hacker friends: their customers are even bigger rubes and riper marks than they'd ever dreamed. "Shit, if these assholes are willing to believe the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza restaurant, what won't they buy? All these years we thought we were pushing the edges of credibility, turns out we were holding back!" So there's no lie too big to tell, and in the end, these fucks will surely be able to fool some of the people all of the time.

Anyway, America's Least Favorite Poop Mistake decided to check off a bunch of boxes all at once, say Joltin' Jim was dirty lying liar who lies except for all the places where he completely vindicated Boss Shart of all wrongdoing and also he's the one who leaked everything ever and even tried to sell pirated downloads of the Baywatch movie but nobody wanted to see it so JOKE'S ON YOU, JIMBO.

He also thought he'd be a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Gets His Poo in the Bowl at Least Sometimes Now by calling Jim a COWARD, and then immediately cancelled his state visit to England because he's afraid of being protested by a bunch of dudes with bad teeth who listen to Morrissey.* And we all laughed at him.

Speaking of laughing at him, I guess the big GOP strategy to defend the Marmalade Shartcannon's...shall we say, "questionable" actions...is to say "Well, he's just a big fat fucking idiot who doesn't understand what he's saying or doing."

Seriously. "He can't collude with his own government." That's Lindsey Graham's honest-to-god best shot at dismissing the ever-snowballing Russia scandal. That's Lindsey Graham HELPING. "Surely this childlike dipshit, who can't collude his way into tying his necktie at an appropriate length, isn't capable of managing a conspiracy at any level." Well no, Lindsey Ol' Boy, that's why it's being uncovered so quickly and easily. Anyway, he can launch nukes whenever he wants to, sleep tight!

Oh, and did I see that Toupee Fiasco got so cocky that he offered to testify under oath? Hah. Hahhahahhaah. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAH. He's gonna want that one back, folks.

And wasn't there something where Dorito Mussolini and his hopelessly overmatched "Secretary of State" declared opposite positions on Qatar within like, an hour of each other? I'm really asking. The line between parody and reality is an atom's width these days.

And something happened in England, or Narnia, or someplace, right? Theresa May decided she wanted her picture in Webster's next to "hubris" and everybody's reading "British Politics For Dummies" and generally hoping that recent European elections are evidence that the citizens of the Western World have learned their lesson from watching the Ringling Brothers Except With Authoritarianism and Incompetence Instead of Acrobats and Clowns Show we've been putting these last six months. Good for you, Europe...got any room on your couch?

I see a bunch of Democrats have decided to sue over the emoluments clause, for the PETTY CUCK REASON that the Drumpf Family Robinshart keeps doing all it can to rake in every nickel they can get their inbred little hands on, whether by pimping visas in China or just setting up an empty mop bucket in the lobby of their D.C. hotel with a crudely drawn sign reading "Bribes go heer" in purple crayon. Since the GOP is just trying to sneak as many federal judges as they can through the Senate before this whole thing blows up in their faces, I guess we have to leave silly shit like "the constitutional duty to conduct oversight" and "enforcing the law" up to the courts. Wheeeee.

I'm seeing that Drumpf gave Head Weasel in Charge Reince Pubis until the Fourth of July to just...fix everything, fucking EVERY SINGLE THING THAT'S FUCKED WHICH IS A LOT OF FUCKING THINGS or he's bringing Corey Lewandowski in to cause more problems and also assault more female reporters or somesuch. Looking to Corey Lewandowski for help in a crisis is a bit like trying to swallow cough syrup while you're drowning, so by all means...proceed.

There's more, I know. Shit with Reza Aslan and Dana Rohrabacher and some heavily armed cosplayers screeching about Shania law, but I was on the road for 8 hours today, so I've gotta let some shit slide.

Anyway, I know I missed a bunch of stuff. Help me out. Catch me up. I'm back in the saddle tomorr...wait what? The little Shartkins are up in arms over a production of JULIUS CAESAR and they're getting corporate sponsors to pull out?

Fuck this Shit. Make art. Resist. Take your motherfucking country back. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

I'm tired. Bedtime.

*I fucking love Morrissey, and my teeth are merely average. Point is, luv u, Great Britain.

This shit is real, right? I'm not just hallucinating all this shit?

Well Resisters, America's two Racist Dads are fighting! The media is chock full of reports that the Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard find themselves at odds! Shartboy's all hot n' bothered that Ol' Beau recused himself from the Russia investigation for the lil' ol' reason that he was caught a-perjurin' hisself before the cawngress. Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a "bad boy," and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet.

It's a weird kind of sad when two withered old Klansmen, brought together by their shared certainty in the innate superiority of mediocre white dudes like themselves are pushed apart by their own blistering incompetence. Did I say sad? Wait, I meant FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Speaking of hilarious, it seems the Hairplug That Ate Decency is having trouble finding lawyers to defend him in the whole Russia shitstorm. Turns out a lifetime of stiffing contractors makes it hard to employ top-of-the-line professionals when the shit gets Legit Real. Oh well. I'm sure Michael Cohen can handle things, TEE FUCKING HEE.

Amateur Congressman/World-Class Pigfucker Devin Nunes keeps playing these weird little games where he acts all impish about whether or not he's actually recused himself from the Russia investigation, or if he's still blocking for the Shart House with all the finesse of a Beetle Bailey character played by Dane Cook. You almost feel bad for poor Devin. He's the single most likely figure in this whole drama to wind up imprisoned; not necessarily because of wrongdoing, but because he's the kind of dude who could accidentally lock himself in a closet.

The Shart of the Deal apparently hit on the genius idea of paying for his Big Stupid Mexican Border Wall by covering it with solar panels! I guess Mexico owns the Sun now, because personally I was told they'd be paying for this wall. Maybe he can sell ads, and the Wall will be covered in posters promising miracle penis enlargement cures.

We learned that Eric "We Only Dropped Him Twice" Drumpf runs a charity that raises money for kids with cancer, good for him! Only, apparently his dad used the charity as a revenue stream, not so good for him! Yeah, the Shart Family Robinson would announce big schmancy charity golf games at Drumpf-owned courses, and they'd tell everyone Donnie Cheapskate donated the course time out of the goodness of his heart, but then later they'd not only claim course rental fees, but unusually large ones, because these are the kinds of purely evil scumfucks who would steal money from CHILDREN WITH CANCER.

In a bit of irony so dark it'd make Alanis Morissette wither to dust and blow away in the wind, Eric went on Hannity THE VERY SAME DAY THE STEALING-FROM-KIDS-WITH-CANCER STORY BROKE to tell everyone how the people standing up to his pussy-grabbing, cheap crook, STEALS FROM KIDS WITH CANCER shitsack dad are "not even people." Anyway, thanks for sending ever-stronger signals to deranged rage monsters like the guy who just slit three strangers' throats in Portland that we're all subhuman, and therefore totally ok to murder, Eric. You're gonna get reincarnated as nursing home toilet bowl, bro.

The news from Kansas, meanwhile, was fan-fucking-tastic, as Sam Brownback's zany "experiment" in strangling government to death like a common piss hooker seems to have finally run its course! Sick of problems like "We can't even afford to keep schools open, is this even America?," even the REPUBLICANS in the Kansas legislature overrode Goody Brownback's veto of his failed tax cuts, beginning the Sunflower State's slow, painful climb back into the 21st century.

Didja see that shit where the Big Saudi Arms Deal that the Candycorn Skidmark couldn't stop crowing about isn't actually a Big Arms Deal but a Big Fat Fucking Sham? Yeah, turns out, it's a bunch of raw horseshit where the Saudis made a big list of Shit We Might Buy Someday if the Price of Oil Ever Goes Up Again but importantly involves NO ACTUAL CONTRACTS so it's like the arms deal equivalent of talking about the sweet full-torso tattoo of the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers poster you're gonna get someday when you save up the cash.

ISIS staged a major terrorist attack in Tehran, Iran. Now, I get that Iran and the USA aren't exactly on the sorts of terms where one nation calls up the other at 9:15 to see if hey, you wanna go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 again, maybe grab some churros later?, but the Shart Administration's "Oh did a bunch of innocent people die in a terrorist attack in your country, SUCKS THAT YOU DESERVED IT SO MUCH" statement was perhaps a wee bit gauche.

We woke up today to the news that Donald J Trump (The J stands for "I want to fuck my own daughter, is that weird?") had nominated Some Dude to head up the FBI after he fired the last dude who ran the FBI for refusing to demonstrate "loyalty," so the whole nation was immediately filled with confidence in the new guy. And hey, if the dude happened to work at a firm that's worked previously for the Drumpf family, and if he happened to defend Chris Christie in Bridgegate, well...shit, he doesn't even crack the Top Ten Most Corrupt Fucksticks in This Administration list, so let's just give him an expense account and a banana plantation, ok?

Anyhow, four soggy old white guys went to the Senate today to give some testimony or some shit. They had this super-clever plan to not answer the questions they didn't want to answer, and chuckle amongst themselves when nobody noticed.

Folks noticed.

All the Democratic, and even some of the Republican Senators on the committee were all, "Y U NO ANSWER QUESTIONS, OLD WHITE GUYS," and the Old White Guys were like "Because, REASONS," and the Senators were like "That is some raw, unfiltered, bullshit you are serving us, and you are telling us it is a delicious steak but IT IS NOT A DELICIOUS STEAK IT IS BULLSHIT." Senator Martin Heinrich got all mad, and Senator Angus King got even madder, and Senator Kamala Harris tried to get mad, but then Senator Richard Burr went "Hush little lady, the menfolk is talking" because Senator Richard Burr is trash.

Anyway, the POINT is, Admiral Mike Rogers and DNI Dan Coats (who spent the hearing looking vaguely frightened that the hearing would go on so long that he'd miss the MATLOCK marathon running this afternoon) were repeatedly asked whether or not Shartolo Colon asked them to interfere in the Russia investigation, and they refused to say No, which is what a normal person would do if the answer was No, so, y'know, draw the only logical conclusion you could.

Anyhow, I heard some other dude is testifying tomorrow....Jim Varney, or something? I dunno, it's probably not a big deal.

Whoever this Varney guy is, he released a text version of his opening statement this afternoon, because la-dee-da, he is HOT SHIT. It basically confirms all the stories that've leaked these last few weeks, that the President was all "Hey Jimmy, do me a solid and ease off my buddy Mike Flynn, what's a few federal crimes between Best Bud Bros, WHICH IS WHAT WE TOTALLY ARE, RIGHT?" and "Hey, Jimbo, know what's so much more important than a bunch of cabinet secretaries perjuring themselves and having an unregistered foreign agent as the NSA and a hostile foreign power interfering in American elections, and piss hookers NOT THAT ANYONE LIKES PISS HOOKERS? Loyalty. LOYALTY TO YOUR PRESIDENT WHO IS COINCIDENTALLY ME." Also that bit where he told Jeff Sessions "Hey, don't leave me alone with the President, he is trying to destroy the fundamental pillars of American Democracy and he also might not notice I don't have a pussy until his tiny fingers are clenching my scrotum."

Mike Pence made a few headlines by cancelling an interview with PBS at the very last minute. The popular narrative is that he ducked out to deal with the fallout of the release of the Comey testimony, but I think we all know that he accidentally glimpsed an unusually shapely fire hydrant and had the secret service whisk him to a secure location to furiously fap until he passed out in a puddle of shame and the gooey, stale-marshmallow-like substance that serves as his dirty, sinful, spooj.

Anyhow. Shit, as scientists have observed, be cray. Things'll get really nutty tomorrow, but I will be traveling, let me know how it goes, folks.

And please...remember to live every week like it's Infrastructure Week.

I don't know if y'all know this...but shit be cray.

There's been a lot of madness out there lately, but today? Today was like a supercut of Nic Cage Screaming outtakes that Werner Herzog deemed "too frightening."

The weekend was kinda quiet, at least by recent standards, right? All 36 members of the Scott Baio fan club showed up for Mayor McCheese's "Pittsburgh not Paris" rally, while thousands participated in March For Truth protests in more than a 100 cities, so y'know...Both sides.

On Saturday, a horrific terrorist attack took place in London. Given the opportunity to do his job and Lead the Free World, Donald J Trump (the J stands for "Fuckhead,") was determined to rise to the challenge. Pacing the hallowed halls of the White House, looking to the portraits of great American leaders from Washington to Lincoln to Roosevelt, he said "Boys, I'm out of my element here, and I need your help...what should I do?"

And, because he's perpetually high on over-the-counter speed and his favorite Hong Kong Black Market hair growth tonic, he hallucinated that a painting of Millard Fillmore came to life and told him "Insult the Mayor of London, my good man! It's the only Presidential thing to be done!" before climbing out of its frame to sexually assault a portrait of Nancy Reagan.

And insult London's Mayor he did! Wielding his twitter account like a Sword forged from the Most Diseased Horseshit in All the Land, he did chastise Mayor Sadiq Khan for counseling calm in the face of a terror attack, when everyone knows a REAL leader's job is to fan the flames of fear with crazed, ill-informed, racist ranting, and if that happens to be exactly what a terrorist's wettest dream is, well so fucking be it.

The Associated Press took the extraordinary step of informing its readers that the President of the United States of America should not be considered a trustworthy source of information during a time of crisis, (What? Just because he was tweeting fear-mongering propaganda from the fucking Drudge Report before anything had been confirmed? SNOWFLAKES.) which is so fucking embarrassing that Mount Rushmore turned hot pink for the shame of it.

Anyway, Shart Garfunkel wants everybody to know what a big tuff boy he is when it comes to terrorism, and how we all need to be Strong and Not Politically Correct and Totally Normal-Sized-Handed like him, and so he fired off his deranged tweets and promptly ran away to play golf with a retired football player, because THAT IS HOW A MAN LEADS, YOU LIBTARD FEMINAZI CUCKS! Surely when the Michael Bay twelve-part docudrama film of the Shart Regime hits theatres, this is the point where music swells into a mashup of "Proud to Be an American" and "America, Fuck Yeah!" as images of a bloated orange Toe golfing in slow motion are juxtaposed with those of that Dirty Mooslim Mayor Fellah actually Doing His Job During a Crisis, and there won't be a dry eye in the house. Straight fucking Capra, that.

Meanwhile, Mad Dog Mattis made his makeshift mea culpas for his misanthropic master's madness. He's seriously telling our understandably shaken allies "bear with us." BEAR WITH US, we're all trying to figure out how to survive this insanity, I promise I'll hit him with a rock before he orders a nuclear strike on Laos "just to make sure the button works." Heaven help us all.

Speaking of Mattis, see that shit in Politico where the national security team walked Lil' Man Shart through the speech he was supposed to give at the NATO summit, and it included giving the thumbs up to Good Ol' Article Five, but when he gave the speech, he was all, "You're not Steve Bannon, I don't have to do what you say," and instead gave Article Five the finger and had Russian hookers piss on it? Isn't it comforting to know our Idiot Manchild President has figured out how to lie to the handful of adults in his inner circle, like some sort of incorrigible Dickens orphan? "Oh no, Jim, I would never declare war on North Korea just to distract the country from Comey's testimony, TEE HEE."

Donnie's tweeting day was hardly done, of course. He had a bunch of things to say about his racist-ass travel ban executive order, for one. He bitched and moaned about how much we need his Big Bad Ban, and how it was a mistake to switch to the Watered-Down, Cuck-y, P.C. Second Version of his Big Bad Ban.

The lawyers he has hired to defend his executive order in court, whose case is based largely on A) No It Is Not a Ban and B) No It Is Not Just a Watered-Down, Cuck-y, P.C. Version of the Original E.O., have presumably wandered into woods, having taped thirty pounds of raw steak to themselves, screaming "Eat me! FUCKING EAT ME YOU PUNK ASS BEARS" for reasons beyond this writer's comprehension.

Seriously, Circus Peanut Syndney Greenstreet (I know, just let me have this one) is fucking up his own travel ban's legal prospects so bad, Kellyanne Conway's husband went online to say "DUDE! STOP SHITTING IN YOUR OWN TACO BOWL ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID well of course you are but ARE YOU EVEN MORE FUCKING STUPID THAN WE THOUGHT?

The Failing New York Times later published a piece about how Dorito Mussolini is upset with his Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, over all his recusin' and failin'-to-defend-travel-bans and whatnot. AG Sessions refused to comment for this piece, even when he was offered some peanut butter, which he usually gets all excited about.

Drumpf went on to blame Democrats for obstructing all the ambassadors he hasn't nominated yet, and also for making his fingers so freakishly, pathetically, short.

Captain Planet Nemesis/EPA Head Scott Pruitt came up with a genuinely clever method of fulfilling his idiot boss' empty promises to bring coal jobs back: just tell everybody you already did it and hope nobody bothers checking! Pruitt told Meet the Press that they've created 50,000 coal sector jobs, which would mean literally doubling the number of coal jobs that there are in the entire fucking country. While this is rather embarrassingly obviously untrue, Pruitt went on to claim that he can beat Super Mario 3 in four minutes, and also throw a wicked split finger fastball at 96 MPH with an absolutely sick last-second drop and he totally owned Mike Trout in little league but he hurt his arm pushing this supermodel's Corvette out of a ditch this one time. Also he has a smokin' hot girlfriend. In Canada.

Mitch McConnell and his team of raisinesque mean white people returned from their recess, having promised a draft of their Obamacare repeal bill, instead able to offer only a stack of Denny's receipts and a notebook where Susan Collins had doodled a half dozen pictures of Ted Cruz getting eaten by cats. Apparently the task of stealing health care from millions of their constituents without getting blamed for, y'know, KILLING A FUCKTON OF PEOPLE, is kinda tricky. WHO KNEW?

Word is, the Senate GOP caucus is now considering holding a vote on an ACA repeal bill they'd know in advance would fail, just allow the party to move on to failing at tax reform. If this wasn't the biggest pack of assholes in the country, you'd almost feel bad for 'em. You sort of picture all these crusty old white folks sitting around in depressed silence until Lamar Alexander goes "We just can't govern, can we, fellas?" and John McCain says "Nope," and then then Marco Rubio starts crying and they cheer him up by letting him punch Ted Cruz a few a times.

Kellyanne Conway and that one creepy Nazi dude went on the teevee to tell us that the President's tweets, literally THE THINGS THE PRESIDENT SAYS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND THE WORLD are not accurate representations of the President's thoughts or policy or something, and the fact that I'm scanning the internet to see if Star-Wars-branded straightjackets might just happen to be a thing, and if so do they make them in my size, is just a coincidence, I assure you.

Politico published a sad little reverse mash note about how everybody hates Reince Pubis and he'll probably be fired before you finish this sentence because he is a shitty little weasel who sucks at his job but who the fuck would want a gig that's basically Shart wrangling all day long, the benefits package is migraines and ulcers and never having any self respect for the rest of your life and also probably jail, so Reincy-Poo probably gets to remain the President's personal Grima Wormtongue until sometime in 2019 when he finally snaps and gives Adam Schiff all the recordings he's been secretly making of Boss Shart trying to hire people to kill the entire FBI.

McClatchy told us the GOP is working on making the midterms a "referendum on the media," because that's exactly the position a healthy political party should be in after two years of total control of all three branches of government. Anyway, good luck with that, boys. It can't be any worse than running on your record of collaborating with the most corrupt administration in American history and trying to kill a bunch of us so rich people can have more money, to be fair.

Sean Spicer was in the doghouse today (a literal doghouse Drumpf had built in the corner of the Oval; Spicer has been existing on a diet of bone-shaped biscuits which he must earn by performing tricks for his boss' amusement.), so Sarah Huckabee Sanders wandered out to tell the press that while the President has ruled out invoking executive privilege to stop James Comey from testifying on Thursday, he's leaving the Run-Screaming-Into-the-Hearing-Swinging-Two-Ball-Peen-Hammers option on the table.

Oh, and then there was that shit with the leaked NSA memo about Russian state hackers trying to hack into American voting software vendors shit and all that. Whatever. Of course they did. Russia hacks everything these days. They're probably hacking me, right? VLAD PUTIN HAS THE BEST ASS AND ALSO DOES A KICKASS KARAOKE VERSION OF KISS ON MY LIST THAT MAKES ALL THE AMERICAN GIRLS WET WITH VLADLUST wait, who wrote that?

The leaker of this particular document was promptly arrested, and everybody's using words like "Opsec" because it makes them feel all cool, and her name is Reality Winner, actually fucking REALITY WINNER, which has me convinced that the last six months have been an elaborate prank on me personally and everybody's about to jump out from my closets like it's The Game, right? RIGHT???

Somehow, in the midst of this Sharknado full of Iowa State Fair outhouses, the Thumb That Somehow Governs Us decided that the one thing America really needed today, right goddamn now, is to have the air traffic control industry privatized. He set up a big fancy signing ceremony where he signed...fuck knows? It wasn't a bill or an executive order. He just likes signing things. "Look Mr. Bannon, it's my name! Just like on the buildings!"

You guys, I can't even get to everything. There's the thing about the Kushner family's debts in China, and a loser reporter trying to start shit with Mad Maxine Waters, and holy hell the crap with Qatar, but I'm about ten minutes away from being a Jackie Earle Haley character, so maybe we can catch up on the shit that fell through the cracks tomorrow.

(I did enjoy the bit where Sadiq Khan told Tangerine Idi Amin to shove his forthcoming state visit up his little orange butthole, though.).

Anyway, I assume Shartboy bombs something, probably San Diego, before Comey's testimony, so maybe I'll see you in the trenches!

The madness...holy shit, the madness...

Hey everybody! I'm sure you all enjoyed all the covfefe jokes, may they bring you comfort and cheer in these days of American decline!

Obviously the big news is the Marmalade Shartcannon withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement, because the Dunning-Kruger effect is REAL, y'all.

His speech had Steve Bannon's grubby little fingerprints all over it, and you have to appreciate Darth Wino's talent for manipulating his boss; that bit about the rest of the world laughing at us? That's Drumpf's emotional sweet spot. One of these days, Ivanka's gonna fail to break into some foreign market, and she'll lean down and whisper "They're laughing at you, Daddy," and everything'll get all Dr. Strangelove in about three minutes.

Anyway, he stumbled from lie to lie, to polite applause from an audience of vampiric old white dudes, impatient to return home for the day's life-giving transfusion of orphan blood. He started by offering condolences to his best bud Duterte for the terrorist attack in Manila that wasn't actually a terrorist attack, but we've all long since abandoned any expectations of honesty from this clown, so who even noticed? When he bragged about how well his non-existent tax bill was doing? Same thing. One of these days he's gonna find out about the Tooth Fairy, and on that day we are all in God's hands, friends.

Reactions were swift and mightily goddamn embarrassing for any American who was laboring under the illusion that they live in some sort of first world nation governed by thoughtful leaders elected by a not-at-all-batshit-crazy populace. France, Germany and Italy wasted no time whatsoever responding to Shartboy's proposal for new negotiations with a hearty "The Art of this Deal is Go Fuck Yourself." Elon Musk and Disney CEO Bob Iger left the President's advisory council in protest. Defiant Old Hippie/California Governor Jerry Brown is assembling a ragtag band of governors and mayors and also an elf and a dwarf so we can learn lessons about racial harmony, to implement the terms of the agreement anyway, at least in places that aren't governed by malicious twits who think science is the devil's plot because understanding things is bad, I guess. Even the fucking Weather Channel chimed in with a good sturdy troll.

Folks, when the Weather Channel is trolling your president, all possible sharks have been jumped.

Anyhow, it's probably not so bad. Not like our Idiot Manchild President just turned us into an international pariah, or voluntarily handed China and India the keys to the burgeoning multi-billion dollar clean energy technology market, or sent every nation on Earth the message that the United States is an unreliable partner that's never more than four years away from a rube-backed toddler tearing up decades of carefully-orchestrated diplomacy in a tantrum over the French President shaking his tiny hand too hard. OH WAIT.

This is just the kind of thing you have to expect when you elect the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's Understudy as your President. Apparently.

Meanwhile in Oklahoma, James Inhofe opened his freezer, took out the snowball he's lovingly preserved all these years, and finally fucked it into nonexistance, with tears of joy streaming down his face, as he has long planned.

Speaking of climate change, Michigan Congressdolt Tim Walberg says "Don'tchoo worry none, citizenfolk! If climate change is a real problem, then God'll take of it!" I say, if God thinks the rich are paying too much in taxes, let's leave cutting 'em to him.

Anyhow, what else is going on?

The Velveeta-Bloated Tick isn't going to let a silly thing like multiple investigations into his ties with Russia get in the way of acting like a Putin marionette, as he's apparently working to return a couple of spy compounds to Russia. "Y'know what'll take the heat off, Jared? Let's give Vlad his spy buildings back so he can spy on us better! I can't be expected to blab every piece of of classified intel the Boss wants in Oval Office meetings, shit, I can barely remember how to fucking walk!"

Dorito Mussolini broke with his predecessor's tradition in declining to note that today marked the beginning of LGBT Pride month, surprising no one except Log Cabin Republicans, surely the most confused organization in human history.

Oh, James Comey will be testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee on June 8th, won't that be fun? I get the feeling this'll be an unusually well-watched congressional hearing, sources tell me the Rolling Stones have been signed for the halftime show. I suspect this will prove challenging to Toupee Fiasco's assertion that the real story here is Unmasking.

Operation: Swamp Drain continues to go swimmingly, even if Boss Shart has granted waivers that allow his entire senior staff to continue dealings with any advocacy groups or media outlets they may have previously worked with, or, y'know, RUN coughcoughBreitbart. Oh, and he may've broken his ethics pledges by hiring a few lobbyists to work for him. Overseeing industries that they lobbied for. Don't worry, it's only like, 74 people.

So he breaks that promise. He breaks the promise to move the embassy in Israel to Jerusalem. But the one with the devastating consequences for the entire planet? I DRAW THE LINE THERE, AMERICA! WHEN DONALD TRUMP PROMISES A WASTELAND, HE GIVES THE PEOPLE A FUCKING WASTELAND.

Anyhow, word on the street is the Shart House is having trouble filling gigs like the freshly-vacated communications director post. I guess holding a jobs fair in an asylum that's burning to the ground while simultaneously sinking into a tar pit has its disadvantages. HUH.

And hey, it turns out Jared Kushner and Ol' Beauregard may've had yet ANOTHER meeting with Sergey Kislyak that seems to have slipped their minds on those pesky ol' federal disclosure forms. I tell you what, folks, that Kislyak fellah must have some wicked Jedi mind tricks that so many of these assclowns have forgotten so many of their encounters with him.

Oh, and Putin changed his tune a bit, suggesting, after months of denial, that yeah, maybe a Russian or two might've done a little bit of hacking in the American election. Not anybody who works directly for the state, and certainly not anybody who'll be alive come Monday, but you know those hackers and their hijinks! (Translation: he done got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.)

Yahoo broke the news (Good for you, Yahoo! Welcome to club, please report to Jake Tapper for hazing.) that Shart Administration officials, upon taking over the State Department, basically figured out how the coffee machine worked and then went right to work trying to repeal Russian sanctions because nobody makes Vlad wait for his money. If one were feeling less than charitable concerning the honor of folks like Kushner, Sessions, and Flynn, you could almost believe shit got worked out in advance. Maybe in, I don't know, some meeting they perjured themselves in refusing to disclose.

There's probably more, folks...but I'm all hopped up on cough syrup and despair for the future, so I'll have to sign off here...

Are you ready for...Tuesday Nite Madness?

So, it was a relatively tame weekend, by 2017 standards. Oh sure, maybe down in Texas a few legislators threatened to shoot each other, and maybe th'Post published a disturbing exposé that revealed the intelligence community has to resort to tricks like filling our Idiot Manchild President's intelligence briefings with pornographic cartoons and scratch n' sniff stickers to get him to pay attention, but generally the madness rained down so lightly you'd scarcely even notice it...

Sharty McFly returned from his Big Boy overseas trip all proud of himself for not accidentally starting a world war, for which Reince Priebus rewarded him with a lollipop, even though he lacked the stamina to walk alongside the other G7 leaders and had to chug along behind them in a golf cart groaning under the sheer orange bloat of him. (UPDATE: the golf cart was euthanized.)

Yeah, it went perfectly, even though everyone was more or less laughing in his face, and Angela Merkel was all, "Fuck these Yankee lunatics, any nation that gets duped by a ruse as Michael-Bay-stupid as Pizzagate can't be trusted, I'm the leader of the free world now, bitches, and the leader of the free world says everybody has to eat bratwurst and wear lederhosen and any other stereotypical German things that can be drudged up for cheap laughs!" (Historians note that this is the paragraph where this post became "problematic.")

Anyway, Team Shart is setting up a mega-rad WAR ROOM to fight back against all scandals that keep popping up because everyone is corrupt, evil, and incompetent. They're even talking about bringing back Season One cast member Corey Lewandowski, in case there are any lady reporters who need roughing up! Asking the clods who perpetrated the neverending shitshow these assclowns finds themselves floudering about it in strikes me as a bit like asking the Chicken from Moana to carve the Statue of David, but by all means...proceed. (484 anonymous sources tell me the war room will have laser tag, and a ball pit.)

Jared Kushner continues to find himself in deeper shit than he had ever imagined was possible. Nobody can even come up with a good lie to cover his Ernest Goes to the Kremlin ass, so he's finally facing down a problem Daddy's Checkbook can't solve. And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face, Resisters, I don't know what will.

Memorial Day gave us the unforgettable image of the Marmalade Shartcannon treating the national anthem at Arlington like a Fenway Park singalong of Sweet Caroline, as well as Ivanka encouraging all the plebes to make super-fun champagne popsicles, probably to take to the graves of their family members who died in the Middle East so that Rex Tillerson could sell oil rights to sanctioned banks. Champagne popsicles might not fill the enormous void left by the loss of a loved one, BUT THEY ALSO JUST MIGHT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY, RIGHT?

Oh hey, and Chuck Woolery turned out to be kind of a low-grade Nazi, who knew, but he's doing this weird thing on twitter where he's listing people who are Jewish? Which is maybe some fun new racist game show, I guess? Also, Chuck Woolery is apparently still alive?

Didja see that thing where Pumpkin Spice Goebbels decided he wanted a Coat of Arms so as to seem all European and fancy so he just stole some other family's Coat of Arms and slapped his flabby, tiny-fingered little name across it? FLASH POLL: Pathetic thing, or the MOST pathetic thing?

Shart House Communications Director Mike Dubke became the first rat to desert the sinking ship today, because somehow everyone else thinks there's some remote possibility that all this shit works out and they all get to sail away to the Grey Havens in three and a half years. One can only assume that Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer believe that Shane lives.

Anyhow, CNN, feeling insecure about being scooped by dying media like NYT and WaPo and Teen Vogue, broke the news that Vlad and Co. threw a little party to celebrate all the influence they'd have over the current administration what with all the oligarch debts and piss hooker videos and whatnot. Sean Spicer's ulcer celebrated by expanding through his entire chest cavity.

Faced with the Republican-controlled Senate's inability to pass health care or tax reform legislation under reconciliation rules, the Candycorn Skidmark demanded an end to the filibuster, because he is a stupid, stupid man who doesn't understand one fucking thing about his job. Sources say he will eventually push for bills to pass by a vote of Tom Cotton, two sock puppets on each of Tom Cotton's hands, and Ted Cruz in hat that says "Make America Great Again Also My Dad Killed Kennedy."

Senator/Faux Maverick John McCain went down to Australia and talked about how "unsettled" he was by Donald Trump. Back home in America, Senator Ben Sasse talked about the "anxiety" he feels about the leader of his party. These two men continue to stand, proud and defiant, condemning the President with utterly useless words, while voting for his agenda nearly 100% of the time, hoping none of their constituents ever figure out the difference between Actions and Words.

Sad Lackey/Pigfucker Devin Nunes told a group of GOP donors that the whole Russia investigation was FAKE GNUS, fake like that hot Russian model who hits on you on Match.com but asks for your credit card before you can get topless pics! Sure, a whole bunch of intelligence officials have testified to the contrary, but Devin really wants a white house job to fill the hours between the sporadic fucking of pigs he gets up to.

Meanwhile, Drumpf's personal lawyer Michael Cohen has denied requests to comply with congressional investigations, setting up the inevitable round of subpoenas. After having made a career from bullying clout-less small-time contractors on behalf of his scumfuck boss, it's particularly satisfying to watch this asshole squirm. Perhaps in the near future, he'll get the opportunity to drop his signature "Says Who?" catchphrase on the cell mate who remarks that He Sure Has a Purty Mouth.

Mike Flynn decided to turn over some of the documents that've been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence committee because he is today's CUCK OF THE DAY. When you hear the special CUCK OF THE DAY prompt (Which is a spittle-drenched gamergater screeching "CUUUUUUUCK" into his Xbox live headset), be the seventh caller to win a front row seat to protest alongside fellow besweatpantsed MRA losers at an all-female screening of WONDER WOMAN.

Oh, and then AP broke the gnus that Cheeto Broderick Crawford* has been giving world leaders his personal, unsecured cell phone number so that they can call him up to talk about how Arnold sucks at hosting the Apprentice and to swap state secrets while his buddies Sergei and Sergey listen in. And you find yourself wondering, "Who is dumber, the President of the United States of America, or Some Mike and Ikes That Melted Together Because You Left Them in the Car?" And you realize that you'd probably rather be governed by the Mike and Ikes if you had a choice.

There's more, of course, There's always more. We're probably about to exit the Paris Climate Agreement, and investigators are disappearing while investigating Ivanka's sweatshops in China, and Drumpf's twitter account is adding bots like Ultron, but there's only so much madness a fellah can handle before he starts chewing on his own toes like so much jerky, so let me leave you with the always-appropriate observation that...shit be cray, people...shit be cray.

*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week.
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