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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 147

Journal Archives

With Moore Gone, Can We Have ONE DAY Without Republican Pervert News? Farenthold Says NOT TODAY

It is a goddamn miracle I sobered up from my Holy Shit AlaFuckingBama Elected a Democrat to the Senate festivities.

(As always, the post makes a wee bit more sense on my site, with all the links and wingdings. Check it out here: http://showercapblog.com/moore-gone-can-one-day-without-republican-pervert-news-blake-farenthold-says/)

Since then I have subsisted entirely on think pieces about What a Comical Fuckup Steve Bannon is for Losing Diet Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III's Seat. They have been so plentiful, I am engorged to the point of needing to unbutton my pants.

And of course Mitch McConnell has invoked Calvinball rules to avoid seating Jones until he's passed that tax bill everybody not named Mercer or Koch loathes. Everybody's posting videos of Yertle taking the exact opposite position when it was Republican Scott Brown who won a special election a few years back, which I find amusing because these people imagine Mitch has shame.

Anyway, let's give big shout-outs to everyone on the team who made this possible! To the women who came forward to report Roy Moore's history of abuse, to the journalists who dug up the story, to every Resister in America who forked over a few bucks or phone banked for the cause, to the NAACP for their badass GOTV efforts, to Tom Perez and the DNC for focusing on ground game rather than tv ads, and most of all to the amazing coalition of Alabama voters, especially African-American men and women, who did the actual votin'. Nice work!

...and of course, to Steve Bannon, for being such a colossal fucking loser. Alabama, dude? If David Axelrod went undercover in disguise to fuck up the GOP candidate's campaign on purpose, he couldn't have lost Alabama.

Let's also laugh at Cory Gardner, for his helpful suggestion that Jones vote like the dude he just beat. Long as we're fantasizin', Cory, maybe Ted Cruz' tongue will fall out and Marco Rubio will start shitting golden eggs. Good luck, bro.

I for one will miss Roy Moore's team of creepy idiot surrogates, who I am told will now form a touring theatre company that performs only a politically-incorrect musical reimagining of To Kill a Mockingbird told from Bob Ewell's perspective.

Godspeed, ye Giggling Lawyer, ye Think of All the Girls Roy Didn't Try to Rape Lady, ye Dumbstruck to Learn Swearing in on a Christian Bible is Not Legally Mandated Twit...you shall be missed.

Speaking of perverts, Sarah Huckabee Sanders promised the media a list of eyewitness accounts that would exonerate the Marmalade Shartcannon in the face of his ever-expanding list of sexual harassment/assault accusers.

After a tense Oval Office meeting in which she had to repeatedly insist, "No, Eric's stuffed animals do not count as eyewitness," Sanders belched up the names of a few randos, most of whom were demonstrably not in any of the rooms where the alleged incidents occurred.

In two days, she'll be yelling at Jim Acosta for not accepting the matter as closed.

I see Wilbur Ross has been accused of insider trading. If one of Obama's Cabinet secs faced similar charges, the world would've ground to a halt. In this environment, we're like, "Wilbur WHO?"

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand criticized Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops while female, thus bringing his futile, impotent, tiny-fingered wrath down upon her head. He tweeted something juvenile about how Gillibrand offered to do sex things to his all-but-imperceptible-to-the-naked-eye wiener in exchange for campaign donations, of course with his traditional layer of plausible deniability, because in addition to his myriad other flaws, the President is a coward.

Anyway, God only knows how much money you raised for the Senator, so y'know, congratulations on punting yourself squarely in the scrotum, Mr. President. Again.

That Omarosa person resigned, or was maybe launched by John Kelly via Looney Tunes canon into the stratosphere, leaving the Shart House without a...a...what the fuck was her job again?

Did she quit because Stephen Miller flew into a racist rage as the Alabama results rolled in? Or did she beg for a Cabinet post and attempt to storm the Residence, only to be ejected by the Secret Service? Rumors are abundant...but I don't actually give a fuck.

Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein defended the Mueller investigation before the House Judiciary Committee, which really shouldn't be necessary, but it turns out one of America's great political parties has devoted itself to protecting a cheap crook from legal consequences.

The GOP position seems to be that for anyone in the FBI to think badly of Shart Garfunkel is essentially a crime, and I tried a couple of jokes at the end of this sentence, but actually that's just kind of horrifying, isn't it?

Like, the idea is that Trump has the right to be investigated solely by boot-licking toadies like Louie Gohmert? That dissent is disqualifying? That Democrats are, by definition, ineligible to serve in law enforcement?

Rabid Howler Monkey Jim Jordan blathered about how the texts of a single, since-fired FBI agent prove that Mueller hired Tom Clancy to Wag-the-Dog up the whole Russia story from thin air to bring down a cherubically innocent Donald Trump. Now, it doesn't make sense, but it's pinballing around the right-wing media at lightspeed, and the FBI's villainy will be carved in stone within two weeks, mark my words.

Don't believe me? I have two words for you. Benghazi, and Benghazi.

Jimbo, the overwhelming majority of the the American people recognize Trump for the grifting scumfuck that he is. YOU are the minority.

Resisting Trump is so dang patriotic, the ghost of Norman Rockwell is painting us. It's like, bald eagles, apple pie, resistance, and baseball, in that order. It's just a handful of morality-challenged, resentment-driven ragebeasts like you left defending him. And as Virginia and Alabama have shown, we are right outside your door, pal. We. Will. Replace. You.

In a welcome rebuke to our government's sudden hard-on for authoritarianism, a judge dismissed inciting a riot charges against six Inauguration Day protesters. Yeah, with the government arguing that merely attending a protest where anybody else damages property makes YOU liable for rioting and inciting and god knows what else, I'm more grateful than ever for the Sarandon/Stein Hillary's-just-as-bad types.

The Government Accountability Office says Il Douche broke the law in attempting to withhold funds from a Department of Energy research office. Yeah, we're doing away with energy research so Darrell Issa can have more walkin'-around money. America's gonna be Great Again any minute now, I promise.

Speaking of cuts, Team Shart wants to trim more than half a billion from the Counterterrorism budget becaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuse...we're...too safe, maybe? Cutting the Air Marshals' budget? While giving corporations massive tax cuts? If anybody needs me, I'm on the phone with the Oxford English Dictionary complaint line...there's something wrong with their definition of "populism."

President Crotchvoid withdrew his nomination of Brett Talley for a federal judgeship for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that Talley is a former "ghost hunter" who failed to disclose his marriage to a White House lawyer and also talked about how rad the KKK was and oh yeah he's never even tried a case.

And hey, Smallhands Magoo drew a fresh new sexual assault accuser! It's like an advent calendar of perversion and horror. Wheeeeeee.

The two biggest idiots in the right wing fuckheadosphere (and yes, I realize that's like saying "the two least funny Marmaduke cartoons" hatched a little plot to bring down Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. They decided to frame Chuckie with a sexual assault accusation, cooking up a comically obviously forged lawsuit document, breaking some fairly significant laws in the process. Schumer went straight to police, so maybe these Dumber Than Jimmy O'Keefe How is That Even Possible clods will get some sweet-ass jail time.

Shart, Jr. testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee for 9 hours today, but sources tell me most of that time was spent removing a wad of chewing gum the bumbling manchild absentmindedly stuck in his own hair while trying to remember his middle name.

If the Drumpf administration is creating any jobs at all, it's in the various Cabinet departments' inspector general's offices. EPA honcho Scott Pruitt drew a fresh investigation, this time over his $25,000 soundproof wanking booth.

We keep learning more about how GOP CongressPerv Blake Farenthold is basically a Garbage Pail Kid. Will the party of "family values" force him to resign? Joke's on you, libtards! The only family value is tax cuts for the wealthy!

Oh, hey, this is neat! The Shart Administration won't tell us how many American troops are deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria! It'll just be a neat little surprise for the VA when they show up, I guess. "Oh, we don't have enough beds? Those tricksy Trumpsters, they got us again!"

Well, the net neutrality vote is tomorrow, and the conference committee has their hastily-scrawled tax bill, and they'll rush to pass it before they've even read it (in fairness, that would require Senator Johnson of Wisconsin to first learn to read), so...we're gonna lose a few in the next month or so. The GOP still holds the keys, after all.

But when shit looks darkest, Resisters...hold onto Alabama. Hold onto Virginia. And the goddamn midterms are closer every day.

And shit is so goddamn cray that doctors are burning their fucking initials into their patients' fucking livers.

I'm gonna leave you with one Disgusting Awful Thing and one Heartwarmingly Awesome Thing. The Disgusting Awful Thing is, apparently the Daily Stormer has a "style guide." Gross.

The Awesome Thing? Joe Motherfuckin' Biden. Always Biden.

Wouldn't it be Great if We Didn't Have to Read About Roy Moore After Today? (Ferret/ShowerCap!)

Sigh. Just another Manic Monday, amiright? I wish it was Sunday. A random Sunday in like, 2009. Long as I'm wishing, I'm at a Tom Petty concert. With Gloria Grahame.

(As usual, this post'll make a bit more sense with links, find it at: http://showercapblog.com/wouldnt-great-didnt-read-roy-moore-today/)

Lindsey Graham seems to enjoy being the Velveeta Urinal Cake's golfing buddy. Shit, Lindsey's in paradise right now. In the old days, he had to convince a resistant public and a skeptical administration whenever he wanted to start a war, now all he has to do is kiss one vain jaghole's ass, pimp his golf club a bit on Twitter, and BAM - another generation of working class kids gets shipped to some godforsaken corner of the planet to die.

Don't worry, though! By the time you come back from North Korea with brain trauma or PTSD, Senator Graham will have redistributed 40% of the VA's budget to his donors! But it's sure to trickle down!

Word on the street is Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn may have been ordered, by President Shartcannon himself, to dress up like Prince and karaoke "I Would Lie 4 U" when the FBI came a-knockin' at his door, and that if so, Rugged Robert Mueller might just leave an obstruction of justice charge in a certain Melting Creamsicle's Xmas stocking.

Some dumb shit blew a hole in his own torso in a New York subway this morning, because terrorists don't recruit successful, intelligent men.. Anyway, Smallhands Magoo demonstrated his let's-unify-this-country-when-it's-attacked instincts by using his 2nd grade vocabulary to insult Don Lemon's intelligence.

Praise all the gods in all the heavens, the fucking Alabama Senate special election is almost over!

Roy Moore's last-minute push seems to hang largely on a Super PAC releasing a "Watch This 12-Year Old Girl Interview Roy While He Doesn't Molest Her Even Once!" video. Since the "Judge" is credibly accused of sexually assaulting a girl only two years older, let's go ahead and label this a somewhat less than deft political maneuver.

Oh, and a record surfaced of the Twice-Defenestrated-From-the-Bench Pervert, appearing on a 9/11 truther's radio show, talking about how much better the Constitution was before they starting tacking on all those silly extra amendments, the crap like "You're not allowed to own other human beings," or "You get rights even if you're not a white dude."

That's the thing about Moore. He's a child molester, but he's evil FOR A CHILD MOLESTER. In a room full of child molesters, he'd be the worst person there.

Anyway, the election is tomorrow. A Fox poll shows Jones up 10. But Emerson College has the Pedophile by 9. An NBC/Marist survey insists the seat will be won by a surprise write-in campaign for an ancient Mayan deity that will rise from the ocean ten minutes before polls open, gathering mesmerized acolytes as it marches on Mobile.

Point is, nobody seems to know what the fuck is gonna happen. Maybe it'll all come down to whether or not there are any actual Christians in the Alabama Evangelical voting bloc.

Nebraska RNC committeewoman Joyce Simmons resigned because of FundingAGoddamnChildMolesterGate. And for a moment, you think, "Damn, how heroic," and it is. But then you think, "How come out of the whole dang Republican Party, I'm only hearing about ONE member quitting over Judge Banned-from-the-mall?

So, three prime specimens of white supremacist manhood allegedly planned to bomb a mosque in western Kansas, and now they're bitching that their rights are being violated cuz they can't pack the jury with Trump voters.

Yeah, that's a real thing that's happening in America. Shitty White Terrorists looking to handpick supporters of our President to sit in judgment, in the belief that they'll go, "Blowing up a Mosque? Call me when somebody does something WRONG!"

Sleep tight!

Asked to defend his party's horsehit tax reform bill, Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag released a one-page "analysis" claiming fantastical levels of growth achieved primarily by elves making shoes while we are asleep.

Sources say the reverse side of the single sheet of paper contained Louise Linton's shopping list, including disturbingly large quantities of mushroom soup, adult diapers, and turkey necks, raising questions about America's Crappiest Aristocratic Couple's sex life.

Didja see where Emmanuel Macron passed out massive grants to top climate scientists, many of them American, to relocate to France? Truly, now that our leading minds are being poached by foreign nations, we can at last say we are Great Again.

Hey, Emmanuel, if you felt like opening a similar competition for shrieking, blockheaded, conspiracy theorists...we've got a few we can spare.

The military announced it would obey a court order to admit transgender troops starting January 1st, yet another reminder that Il Douche is an ineffective clod who loses all the time, because he's like the Washington Generals of Presidents.

Four of the women who have accused Confessed Serial Sexual Assaulter Donald J. Trump (The "J" stands for "Billy Bush Stooged Me Out, the Fink" re-stated their cases in the media today, thus reminding us that our President, in addition to being an unhinged, narcissistic, buffoon, is also a disgusting gropey perv who bragged about how owning a beauty pageant allowed him to ogle naked teenagers.

Nikki Haley went so far as to say the women accusing her What-if-Jabba-the-Hutt-were-made-of-Circus-Peanuts Boss "should be heard," which allegedly sent said W-i-J-t-H-w-m-o-C-P Boss into the sort of rage usually reserved for journalists who remind him Barack Obama drew larger crowds.

Oh Nikki, don't you know that helping the President avoid accountability is the sole function of the executive branch of the United States government these days?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted any pussies grabbed before November 8, 2016 don't count, because the Republican electorate's lack of morality somehow exonerates Drumpf, which is certainly a novel bit of ethical and legal theorizing.

Surly Spice then sneered at the assembled press for a while over their uppity question-asking and occasional-mistake-making, before retreating to her office to play with her desktop ant farm, roasting with a magnifying glass several ants she's named after White House correspondents.

Tangerine Idi Amin, who did not understand he had to hire his own White House staff, who couldn't find the fucking LIGHT SWITCHES for several days, decided he's gonna put a man on the moon, maybe ever Mars. Baby steps, Old Man. Maybe learn how to tie a tie at an appropriate length before tackling space travel.

A judge ordered Indicted Turdweasel Paul Manafort to obey his gag order, and stop sneaking around, writing op-eds about how innocent and handsome Paul Manafort is. He was further ordered to eat his peas and clean his room.

Pity the poor journalists at the Failing New York Times who had to spend so much time documenting the various revolting escapades of grotesque CongressDegenerate Blake Farenthold. Jesus, I can't even picture that dude without retching.

Anyway, if you need a little pick-me-up to get through the long, lonely hours before the polls close in Alabama, how 'bout rolling around in this data about Americans running away from the Republican Party like a dookie in a public pool?

Ok, Resisters, that's enough for tonight. Nothing left to do but wait and see if voters will send a pedophile to Washington to make laws for the rest of us.

...2017, you're exhausting.

Kickstarting Trent Franks' Baby, Steve King Goes Full Klansman, & Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hey folks. As per usual, you can find the post with all the relevant link included on my humble site: http://showercapblog.com/kickstarting-trent-franks-baby-steve-king-goes-full-klansman-news/

We're about due for a news slowdown aren't we? We certainly fucking deserve it.

What's that? Obama's giving "Wake the fuck up before we wind up like Nazi Germany" speeches?

Well...maybe shit'll slow down next week. Let's round up the madness so we can start drinking early, shall we?

When Malfunctioning Robert Mitchum Clone Trent Franks' getting-out-in-front-of-the-story version of events was "I asked some nice ladies in my office to serve as surrogates so I could expand my beautiful family and I guess they took offense," you just KNEW the actual truth was gonna be some Todd Solondz shit, and ewwwwwwwww...Trent did not disappoint.

I know the rules seem to be changing pretty rapidly these days, dudes, but chasing your staff around, shouting FUCK ME FOR MONEY AND MAKE ME A BABY would've been out of bounds even for Roger Sterling.

Did you know that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is an amateur magician? With John Conyers resigning in pervy shame from his safely Democratic Detroit district, Snyder waved a wand and made the Michigan 13th's representation in Washington disappear for almost a whole year! Tip your wait staff!

The screechiest loons in right wing media continue their mission to paint the Mueller investigation as unforgivably biased against the President, what with their rigid "pro-truth" and "anti-crime" positions. "Judge" Jeanine Pirro stands out even in the sea of raging authoritarians, acting like she's on a new season of The Apprentice where the winner gets their own concentration camp.

Hey, we found some voter fraud, KKKris KKKobach will be so pleased! What's that? It was the former chairman of the Colorado GOP? He tried to steal his ex-wife's vote? He was easily caught and convicted? Well THAT doesn't fit the narrative! NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG!

Celebrity Stool Pigeon George Papaderpaderp has himself a fiancÚ, and she wants you to know her pockmarked Romeo is no coffee boy! Nope, he knew everybody who was anybody on the Shart campaign, and good golly did he ever pass a shit-ton of information on to investigators!

Speaking of, Hope Hicks enjoyed a relaxing two-day excursion to Bob Mueller's Spa and Collusion Investigation. If anybody knows enough to bring the Sunny D-Bag down, it's Hicks, so it's nice to fantasize that she had so many beans to spill it took multiple sittings. And if not, well...then she's probably lied to the FBI under oath, and that's fun, too.

In the aftermath of the Diminutive-Dicked Dotard's puddingheaded Jerusalem decision, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told Mike Pence where he could stick his proposed meeting, which sexually aroused Pence so much he had to excuse himself to fuck the small cactus he keeps on his desk for just such emergencies. Anyway, another diplomatic blemish for Team Bull in a China Shop, yay!

Puerto Rico remains in crisis, abandoned and forgotten by President focused on shrieking at reporters and cutting his own taxes. Oh, and the government is drastically underestimating the death toll, so Dorito Mussolini doesn't look bad. Shit, you'd think more dead brown people would play WELL with his base. I bet Bannon's off the wall at that missed opportunity.

Obviously Subpar Loudmouth Steve King spread some white nationalist garbage about diversity being bad, because he doesn't want to dilute his Mediocre White Guys Whining About Everything "culture." King's gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the House floor before too long.

We've learned the disastrous Niger raid that claimed the lives of four American soldiers in Niger was preventable, and the result of reckless, unnecessary fuck-ups. I'm sure Gowdy Doody and his Republican chums will dutifully apply the same investigative rigor to this tragedy as they did to the Benghazi incident. Precedent teaches us that these mistakes will render a whole lot of officials, all the way up to Cabinet secretaries, unfit for public office, right? RIGHT, TREY?

The Candycorn Skidmark went a few days without tweeting the country to the brink of nuclear war, so General Kelly let him out of his crate for ice cream and a Klan rally.

He said some shitty things to a roomful of shitty people, and asked them to vote for a child molester, and got to pretend that filling up a small arena with spittle-drenched, jacked-up-on-resentment-and-meth morons means the whole country loves him and wants to give him a handjob, before retreating to the safety of the bubble he cowers in, so afraid of criticism that he won't attend the Correspondent's Dinner or meet Nobel Prize winners.

The Failing New York Times pulled back the curtain to reveal just precisely how America's most horrifyingly powerful toddler spends his time. He watches television all day while gorging on junk food, as everyone around him tries to pacify his entitled rich-boy tantrums.

He is, in short, all four of the shitty kids in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory rolled into one giant man-baby.

Other big takeaways are that SCROTUS mainlines Diet Coke all day long, and somebody over at the Grey Lady is REALLY proud of the "Twitter is his Excalibur" line.

Hey, look! Mick Mulvaney took a bunch of money from predatory payday lenders and pressured the CFPB to take it easy on those poor, much-maligned predatory payday lenders, and now he's running the whole CFPB! Don't forget, Mick says, "Consumer" is just a fancy word for "peasant!"

Rick Perry and His Smart Guy Glasses want to throw some taxpayer money at coal plants for absolutely no good reason, driving up electricity prices in the process. Yup yup. The free market (which I feel I've heard the odd Republican praise here and there) is killing the coal industry, replacing it with cheaper, cleaner alternatives, so we need to just give Coal some of your money. SMALL GOVERNMENT!

Award-winning diplomat Elizabeth Shackelford (I didn't know diplomats had awards. What are they called? The Foggy's?) resigned from Rex Tillerson's (community theatre version of a) State Department, leaving behind a HOLY BALLS STOP FUCKING UP THE WORLD, YOU MORONS letter.

And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel stopped using the "Romney" part of her name at the President's request, because he is a very secure man who in no way spends every waking moment in terror that people see him for the worthless inadequate fraud he is.

With the special Senate election just around the corner, Frank Luntz gathered what you'd like to believe are abnormally shitty Alabama Republicans, but who are actually probably depressingly typical. AND JESUS WEPT.

Anyway, if you've been thinking of getting serious about misanthropy, this video is a great place to start. Holy fuck, these people are awful. I can't decide who's worse, the "Moore's accusers are filthy evil lying sluts who were probably paid" contingent, or the "Heck, parents were probably lining up to have their children molested by Ol' Roy!" fellah?

Alabama's other Senator, Richard Shelby, popped up on the Sunday Shoz, taking e the surprisingly controversial "No, I Won't For a Pedophile" position.

Shelby, apparently having forgotten who his party chose from a field of 427 just a year ago, insists that Republicans "can do better," before dissolving into tears, blubbering, "We coulda had Pataki! PATAKIIIIIIIIII!!!!"

Well, we all know nothing makes The Bloat madder than impugning the size of his crowds, (certainly not Puerto Ricans dying for lack of access to clean water or electricity) so when WaPo's Dave Weigel tweeted a photo that failed to show his gathering of frothy RageYokels at full capacity, he lost his shit.

Having been told in no uncertain terms by his staff that he could not have Weigel polonium-210'd, he demanded an apology, which he got. "Not good enough," bellowed Wannabe Pol Pot, "He must be fired! And I'd really like to waterboard him, just a little, you never let me have any fun, General!"

Hey, if we're gonna establish "misrepresenting crowd size" as a firing offense, I'm generally for it, but maybe the President of These United States shouldn't be attacking individual journalists? I seem to remember some sort of oath about upholding the Constitution? I know, I know...I'm a cuck.

Anyway, if you're gonna hate Weigel, hate him for glorifying Prog Rock*. Careful Donnie...Dave might show up one sunny morning on the White House lawn...driving Tarkus.

So yeah, shit remains utterly cray. We'll get that slow news week sometime...right? Let me leave you with some good gnus: Susan Collins is back to undecided on the tax bill. C'mon Resisters! Get on the phone and sink this monstrosity to the bottom of the motherfuckin' ocean! We did it before, we can do it again!

*I actually love Prog. I just wanted to link to Tarkus. What's the good of having a blog if you can't bring up Tarkus when the opportunity arises?

Another Insane Day, But Let's Thank Trent Franks for Making it Nauseating (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Holy hell, folks. As this blog has documented, shit has been good and thoroughly cray-cray for some time now, and that was when the Man with Phalangeal Stunting could get through a short public speech without slurring his words like a bridesmaid singing Total Eclipse of the Heart at the third karaoke bar of the bachelorette party.

(As always, the post will make more sense with links, at my site: http://showercapblog.com/another-insane-day-lets-thank-trent-franks-pushing/)

Take a moment to congratulate Littlefinger on getting his wish, and being mentioned in the Time Magazine Person of the Year article, albeit as an accused sexual abuser. With a little creative redaction, I'm sure you can use this to fill those embarrassing blank spaces on your golf club walls, Donnie!

Holy Christ on Toast, Mike Flynn is in TRUBBLE. Elijah Cummings released info from a whistleblower about how Flynn was super eager to move on sanctions against Russia LIKE A BITCH so he and his corrupt buddies could make enough money to feel like Martin Scorsese characters, in the middle of the movie, before the helicopters come.

Friends, between this and the Let's Kidnap a Turkish Dissenter for Fun and Profit scheme, we know so damn much about Mike Flynn's crimes that I get positively HORNY thinking about what he must've given Bob Mueller to plea down to a mere lying to the FBI charge.

Over in the House, Gowdy Doody declined to investigate any issues arising from Cummings' whistleblower info, on the grounds that he didn't see a way to damage any potential Democratic Presidential candidacy.

Paul Ryan doesn't even have a final tax bill yet, and he's already drooling all over his suit at the thought of cutting Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. Come January, he'll be in your kitchen, picking the marshmallows out of your kids' Lucky Charms.

Me, I wouldn't count my chickens, Paulie. With blue state Republican congressmonsters suddenly realizing their constituents aren't likely to enjoy their shiny new tax increases, and your caucus shrinking from sexual assault resignations (more on that in a bit), you're not out of the woods yet. You're actually in the middle of the woods. Next to that gingerbread house. Go ahead, take a bite.

Plus, it appears the bill Rand Paul and Ron Johnson wrote in the middle of the night after snorting Pop Rocks out of Marco Rubio's ass crack has a few teeeeeeeeny tiny mistakes.

Well, one big mistake, mostly. A $289 billion mistake, regarding the corporate Alternative Minimum Tax. While they can sort this out in committee, what they can't do now is give up and just pass the Senate version in the House, which means they have to actually follow through on the hollow promises they made Susan Collins, or risk losing her vote.

Somebody even slipped in a provision making it legal to kidney-punch Tom Cotton if you encounter him in the hallway, but the conference committee is expected to keep that amendment intact.

Point is, this thing ain't over yet, Resisters! Call you CongressThing!

James O'Keefe won a journalism award from Clarence Thomas' wife, at a Trump Hotel, because the news is just Far Right Lunatic Mad Libs now. Learn to love it. Tomorrow we'll learn that Seb Gorka married Pepe the Frog in Benghaaaaaazi!!!!!!!

In Kentucky, David Ermold announced his campaign to run against Kim Davis on the radical platform of actually doing the fucking job. Davis famously denied Ermold a marriage certificate on the grounds that her religious beliefs center around God finding it tremendously important for her to be a raging jagoff to strangers.

The Shart Administration was all set to cut a program that helped those GREEDY BLOODSUCKING TICK TAKERS, homeless veterans, but were shamed out of it. It's always interesting when we actually find a wall in the sea of seemingly-boundless fuckery, isn't it? I'm still surprised Tom Price was forced out.

Finally responding to two of the largest, most horrific mass shootings in American history, the House GOP voted to make it easier for violent fuckheads to keep their firearms concealed right up to the moment when they start murdering folks. I feel safer already.

In related news, House Republicans also passed a bill to combat raging southern California wildfires by having airplanes drop payloads full of gasoline and kindling over affected areas.

Shart, Jr. testified before the House Intelligence Committee, but he claimed attorney/client privilege on his conversations with daddy, because there were maybe some attorneys around too, which is...not how this shit works. Sources say he also flirted with the idea of hiding behind Donut/Client privilege, because there was a half-eaten fritter on the table, but Ivanka slapped him and called him a dumbass.

Hey, what's Ryan Zinke up to these days? Spending our money and demonstrating that he doesn't know how a fishing rod works, it seems. Such a cowboy.

Corey Lewandowski went on television in front of the entire fucking world to talk about how he steamed Shart Garfunkel's pants while he was wearing them, an act so pathetic I can't bring myself to disparage him any further*.

Anyway, "Lewandowski steam pants" is now in my search history, so y'know, thanks for whatever weird targeted ads I get now, Corey.

Erik Prince's testimony before the House Intelligence Committee was released, and oh my, Mr. P seems very smug that comeuppance is for lesser (poorer) men than he. We shall see, chum. I'm sure Mueller has your number.

For a supposedly law-and-order party, the GOP is sure is going hard at the FBI these days, aren't they? From the President down to his slobbering Igors in the right wing media, conservatives are desperate to paint Drumpf's investigators as hopelessly corrupt Clinton sympathizers who probably didn't even watch the Apprentice, such is their appalling lack of patriotism.

It's almost like they know what's coming and they're shitting their pants in terror and their last desperate hope is undermining the American people's faith in their entire law enforcement system and if that damages the foundation of our democracy, well...at least it was all for a guy who charges the Secret Service to piss.

Special shout out to Louie Gohmert, for finally answering one of life's great mysteries, "What if Joe McCarthy had cartoon ears and the brain of a Dr. Scholl's insert?"

Paul Ryan's lunatic deplorable GOP primary challenger lost his shit in a twitter argument, suggesting a columnist should "eat a bullet." That's gross and violent and wrong and much less funny than suggesting Ryan should "eat a sandwich made from pubes from a truck stop bathroom," which is my idea.

John Lewis and Bennie G. Thompson announced they will no longer attend the opening of the Mississippi Civil Rights museum this weekend, since they would be sharing the stage with a Nazi apologist. A Nazi apologist who, regrettably, is also the President of the United States.

Folks, it seems like a low bar to clear, but let me offer the following aspirational advice to you: live your life so that civil rights icons don't have a reason to refuse to be in the same room as you.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders snidely accused John Lewis of not respecting the sacrifices of civil rights heroes. Yes, THAT John Lewis.

Predictably, protests flared across the Muslim world in response to Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's bullheaded decision on Jerusalem. Mike Pence was told that Palestine didn't want to be alone with a room with him, and the widening consensus is that these clowns have undermined the Middle East peace process, particularly the United States' role, perhaps permanently. NEAT.**

It's enough to make you think that maybe putting a blithering dipstick with the intellect and attention span of a spastic puppy in charge of international diplomacy was an unwise choice.

A short while back, asked to reflect on when America was last truly great, Serial Child Molester Roy Moore ruminated a bit about family, quickly concluding that America was at its awesomest when white families were legally allowed to own black ones. And break them up as they saw fit.

So yeah. Add "nostalgic for slavery" to the sky-high pile of reasons not to vote for the pedophile who got booted from the bench for refusing to obey the law. Twice. Are we locked into this whole Alabama-gets-two-Senators thing? It doesn't seem to be working out.

CNN reported on some leaked e-mails following up on the famous Hot Young Drumpf Campaign Officials Want 2 Collude With U meeting, revealing that Russia was just checking in to see if they weren't busy later and maybe wanted to come over and watch Stranger Things and drink boxed wine and maybe cuddle.

Early this evening, word leaked out that Trent Franks would be resigning from Congress. You couldn't help but wonder what sort of grotesque fuckery Franks, who has never been shy about moralizing, had gotten up to that he'd resign before the tiniest rumor surfaced in the media.

Oh, he was harassing his female staffers to serve as surrogate mothers for his children? HOLY FUCK IS THAT CREEPY. When people get hostile about your kid selling magazine subscriptions at the office, how do you get to a place where you're like, "ACCEPT MY SEED, WOMANSERVANT?"

You can sort of imagine Trent skulking around the office, rubbing his hands together, going, "Who wants to have mah babies mnnh hnnh? And maybe "Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a Kaiser blade," while buttering a bagel in the break room.

Anyway, word is CNN and WaPo are about to blow the lid off a couple dozen sitting congresspervs and their harassment/assault accusations so...y'know...hold on to your butts.

Oh, and the Shart House threw a Hanukkah party, but they didn't invite Jews who happened to be Democrats, because government is a junior high lunchroom these days.

Lord, what a day. Well, before we part ways, let me give you a poll to laugh at. Actually, have two. And let's also laugh at this guy's freakout.

Oh, and there was another school shooting today. And nobody noticed.

Yeah, the Al Franken thing happened. Wide variety of opinions among the Resistance, I kinda hear what everybody's saying...haven't made my mind up quite yet. I thank Senator Franklin for his service.

Anyhow. See you in the madhouse, folks.

*Ok, I'll come clean. I actually just can't think of any way to disparage him further. How do you beat that? Look at the sad, defeated, desperation in his eyes. Jeeeezus.

**Not actually neat.

Somebody Ask Grassley if it's OK for Roy Moore to Spend His Money on Booze and Teenagers (Ferret!)

'Evenin', Resisters. Shower Cap took a mental health day Monday, hope you didn't miss me. Anyway, it's just one extra day, how much insanity could I possibly miss in one little ol' day?

HAHAHAHAH just kidding, it's 2017 and EVERY DAY is Trapped in a Christian Fundamentalist Haunted House Tripping on Acid-Cut-With-Head-&-Shoulders Day.

(Wanna read the post with fancy links n' shit? CLICK THIS LINK: http://showercapblog.com/somebody-ask-chuck-grassley-ok-roy-moore-spend-money-booze-high-school-girls/)

Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon shaved a couple million acres off of some national monuments, and I'm pleased to say America is finally great again! That was the one remaining obstruction, folks. Bears Ears National Monument was just too dang big. You'll feel the benefits of the monument-shrinking-borne prosperity any day now, promise!

Sources say Trump will also call for the shortening of the Washington Monument, for...obvious reasons.

(Quick kudos to the protesters who greeted the Syphilitic Sack of Hamburger Helper Grease in Utah with "Tiny Hands Off Our Lands" signs and Lock Him Up Chants.)

The Supreme Court ruled that Government Cheese Goebbels' racist travel ban can go into effect pending legal challenges, protecting us from the wave of refugee-committed crimes that stubbornly refuses to manifest in real life. Don't worry, bump stocks are still legally available at the gun shop nearest to the angriest white guy you know.

Hey, where we at with all the Russia shit?

Oh. Some conservative operative sent an e-mail to a high-ranking Drumpf campaign official literally titled KREMLIN CONNECTION, offering to set up a back-channel meeting between Shart Carney and his shift-supervisor-to-be (that's Vlad Putin, by the way) using his NRA connections? Great. Now that the NRA's swept up in this, we just need to get Billy Mitchell, Ryan Braun, and Solomon Grundy looped in, and we'll have secured the participation of every conceivable American villain.

And KT McFarland joined the Oops, I Lied to Congress About Russia club, and her prize is Instead of Being Ambassador to Singapore, How 'Bout Your Career Ends in Shame and Maybe Jail?

As if that isn't enough, you've got Fat Q*Bert's lawyers throwing around shit like "Collusion isn't a crime," and "The President can't obstruct justice because he has super-secret-special President Powerz where he's above the law," and folks, it hasn't even been a YEAR yet.

Suddenly "What did the President know and when did he know it?" seems like an obnoxiously-long FROZEN short before the Pixar feature you paid to see.

Oh, and Rugged Robert Mueller has reportedly subpoenaed records from Deutsche Bank relating to persons and entities linked to the President. Heh. Hope the chair behind the Resolute Desk is upholstered in something waterproof.

Politico added a story about how Shart Houses staffers have devolved into sweaty masses of unhinged paranoia, never knowing who's wearing a mic, or if Mueller has implanted a transmitter in their molars, or if Stephen Miller's forehead is really a giant satellite dish that can pick up their innermost thoughts.

Good. Squirm, you traitors.

As the GOP moves to conference with their tax reform bill, where negotiators from the House and Senate will hammer out precisely how much a Republican donor will be required to give to a super PAC before he's allowed to legally own slaves, the American people are reacting with something less than robust enthusiasm.

Susan Collins, as you know, traded her vote for a fistful of shiny beads and empty promises from the least honest men in human history.

And Paul Ryan wasted little time laughing in her rube face, saying "Don't be silly, we got her vote, we don't have to give her shit in return, and also when did we start letting girls in here anyway?"

Congratulations, Senator Collins, on being literally the only human being alive who didn't see that coming.

Anyway, Republicans are getting weirdly, amusingly, cocky about almost passing a bill that everybody hates, and that will hurt millions of people who will absolutely rise up and boot their aristocrat-lackey asses straight to the private sector at the next available opportunity*

One Trump advisor boasted about how the bill specifically targets constituencies that didn't vote for Boss Shart, like universities and residents of blue states like California and New York, because plundering your political foes is what American Democracy is all about, right?

Anyway, the little weasel practically spoojed right in his pants as he declared the bill "Death for Democrats." Hey, enjoy your day, bro. I'll check in with you on November 7th, 2018...you'll find reports of our "death" have been greatly exaggerated.

Chuck Grassley helpfully explained how the uber-wealthy are better than the rest of us, because they're "investors," while those of you who didn't do the hard work of Inheriting Daddy's Money like the Trumps and Kochs did are dirty, whoremongering, wino takers who destroy America every time you go to the movies in search of a fleeting moment of relaxation or pleasure in your worthless lives instead of staying at home flogging yourselves for being such dirty, whoremongering, wino takers.

Multimillionaire Orrin Hatch, having voted himself a fat fuckin' tax break, opined that there just isn't enough money for extravagances like health care for children.

John McCain tried to throw himself a little party celebrating his pending 3 millionth Twitter follower, but was instead rewarded for his Government Funded Health Care For Me, Not Thee vote with a mass-unfollowing movement. I hope you ordered an ice-cream cake, and it melted, Senator McCain.

And Dean Heller threw a constituent with stage 4 cancer out of a town hall for the high crime of asking her Senator why he voted to kill her in order to cut Princess Ivanka's taxes, apparently because he lives in mortal fear of being re-elected.

Me, if I was responsible for a bill that polls the way this monstrosity polls (and without manufactured horseshit like death panels, I'd add), I'd put away the noisemakers and party hats.

Didja see this thing where alt-right women (I don't get it either.) are upset that the rage-filled, dickless, gamergate losers of their movement are, shock-of-all-shocks, violently misogynistic? It's like sprinkling ground glass on your breakfast cereal and wondering where the tummy ache came from.

In economic news, the Drumpf Administration moved to make it legal to...wait, WHAT? This can't be right. To...to make it legal for restaurant managers to steal servers' tips? Are we this evil already? Does the cabinet meet in that Legion of Doom headquarters in the swamp? What's next? Mandatory oil spills in wildlife refuges? Tax write-offs for every puppy kicked?

Because science is for Cucks, Dorito Mussolini is filling science-related posts in his administration with political hacks lacking advanced degrees. Maybe it's cuz Rick Perry wants to be the smartest guy in the room, and to accomplish that feat you've basically got to appoint egg salad sandwiches as his undersecretaries.

And the inevitable descent of the Republican Party into the sulfur-belching hellscape of I Guess We Endorse Child Molesters Now culminated this week, surprising nobody outside of Mitt Romney and Bill Kristol.

"Go get 'em Roy," said our Festering Rectal Tumor President, because a dude who brags about ogling teenagers in a beauty pageant dressing room isn't going to react to a dude who "dated" teenagers in his 30's with anything harsher than perhaps envy.

And now all the stern, weatherbeaten, hoary, moralizers of the right, from Orrin Hatch to Mitch McConnell, men who for years have been all too ready to outlaw any behavior they don't approve of, shrug and say, "Hey, if the good Christian souls of Alabama want rich folks' taxes cut so fervently that they vote for a serial pedophile, who are we to stand in judgment?"

Hey Corrupt Old Dudes, since you seem to have lost your way, let me clear something up for you. When the question is "Should a man who sexually abuses teenagers be a Senator?" there is exactly ONE correct answer, and the answer is "FUCK NO." Not "it's up to the voters of Alabama," or "It's not for me to judge," but "ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? NO!!"

A Moore surrogate went on teevee to brag about how there were lots of women that Roy hadn't molested, and also to tell her pregnant interviewer that Doug Jones wanted to break into her house at night and rip her unborn child form her womb with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, one of the women who dated Moore when she was a teen (Lest we normalize this; Ew.) provided new proof of the relationship the would-be lawmaker swears never happened. For a guy who trumpets his alleged "morals" all the time, Roy sure does write a lot of letters to high school girls.

I repeat: Ew.

Anyway, Steve Bannon emerged from the liquor aisle at Piggly Wiggly long enough to speak on Molesto the KKKlown's behalf at a rally tonight. If that much concentrated evil didn't open a gateway to Hell right in the middle of the stage, I don't know what would.

Most importantly, the RNC opened their arms and their coffers to the Moore campaign, making the GOP the official public sponsors of this ethical sewer clog. For some reason, they believe they can do this without consequences. Never, ever, EVER stop dragging these bastards over this.

In the end, Jeff Flake's sad, lonely, hundred-dollar check to Doug Jones will be the GOP's largest act of opposition to this travesty. It's hard to imagine a national political party failing such a tragically simple moral test. But here we are.

Oh, and Moore threw a little anti-semitism into the stew as well, just for flavor.

The NAACP says, rightly, that the President shouldn't be allowed to attend the opening of the Mississippi Civil Rights Museum, what with all the British-Nazi-retweeting and very-fine-peopling he's been up to. Kinda weird having a President whose very presence feels like an affront to civil rights, innit?

Oh, and everybody congratulate Bill O'Reilly on his shiny new lawsuit! Bill-O is accused of violating the non-disparagement clause of one of one of his (many) harassment settlements, since he's gone around calling his accusers Lyin' Goldiggin' Filthy Sluts at every available opportunity. O'Reilly's been quite vocal on the subject of Poor Defenseless Old Men being destroyed in the court of public opinion by torch-wielding mobs who don't care about facts or truth, while simultaneously holding his accusers to NDAs.

And Bill's not the only conservative fuckwad in trouble! Looks like our old pal Paul Manafort's angling for a shock collar to compliment his ankle bracelet! Seems Paulie, that incorrigible so-and-so, has been sneaking around behind Papa Mueller's back, draftin' up an op-ed with the help of a Kremlin-connected buddy to make the case that Paul Manafort Did Nothing Wrong and Shouldn't Have an Ankle Bracelet at All But Should Get Out of Jail Free and Also Maybe Get a Lifetime Pass to Chuck E Cheese for his Trouble.

So his bail will likely be revoked, rendering him ever more...#Manafucked.

Hey, if anybody just swallowed something poisonous, and needs to induce vomiting before shit gets life-threatening, may I recommend the Atlantic's profile of Everyone's Least Favorite Repressed Pervert, Vice President Pence? Yes, Mikey Hairshirt lurks in the background, rationalizing his boss' every assault on the foundations of American democracy as "God's plan," easing his nerves by feverishly jerking off to photographs of elderly dogs that have been abandoned in shelters by their families.

Soooooo...I guess Erik Prince pitched Tangerine Idi Amin on the idea of having his own private, unaccountable, parallel intelligence service to counter all those "deep state" bastards who keep whinging about beta-male shit like "The Rule of Law," and "The Constitution."

NEAT. Donald Trump with with his own personal secret police. What could go wrong?

Anyway, where are they gonna recruit these spies? From the mouthbreathing droolers of Club MAGA? Not sure that's a solid foundation for an "intelligence" organization. You'd wind up Inspector Clouseau but with wild-eyed, spittle-drenched delirium instead of bumbling charm.

You guys, I'm worried about Corey Lewandowski. He went on The View and yelled at the ladies about how mighty and tuff his chubby loser boss is, and shrieked "I don't have Stockholm Syndrome, YOUR FACE HAS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME," before curling up in the fetal position to suck thumb for two hours.

Over in the right wing media Bubba-ul, they're busily building their Extended Cinematic Universe where Robert Mueller is some sort of hopelessly compromised agent of corruption, and the whole Roy Moore thing has nothing to do with the steady, ever-deepening derangement of the GOP's base, but is instead the fault of (wait for it) the libtards. Also, Hillary Clinton is in your kitchen right now, eating the last slice of pie while lying to the FBI about...oh, let's say Moe.

And I guess Shartboy really is gonna declare that the U.S. recognizes Jerusalem as the capital of Israel because stability in the Middle East, like science, is for CUCKS.

So yeah. I...need another mental health day.

*VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Flynn Flipping Day! (Friday Nite Ferret!)

Hullo friends...crazy end to the week, so I had to squeeze another one in. As is customary, the links version is available on my site:

http://showercapblog.com/merry-flynn-flipping-day/

A joyous Flynn Flipping Day to you all! This is truly my favorite holiday!

Tonight, children will gather around the Flynn Flipping Tree to engage in the traditional Flynn Flipping Plea Bargaining Ceremony, where they stooge out their siblings' bad behavior in an effort to reduce their own share of the coming year's chores.

We'll sing all the Flynn Flipping carols we know and love, from "O Come, All Ye Traitors" and "Hark! The Cooperating Witnesses Sing!" to more modern offerings like "All I Want For Christmas is for Bob Mueller to Not Send My Shitty Kid to Jail Forever."

Yes, Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn has rolled over so the Special Counsel can rub his belly and find out about all the crimes him and his grifter buddies got up to on their Excellent Treason Adventure.

Sources tell me Mueller forced Flynn to dance around the room chanting "Lock me up!" for an undisclosed length of time before he would sign off on the plea deal.

So yeah, we were treated to another traitorous fuckhead perp walk, and let me tell ya, I can't wait to complete that particular set of trading cards.

Obviously the Shart House belched up the expected spin. "We hardly knew the guy! We thought NSA stood for Nighttime Snack Administrator, & he'd be in charge of late nite Krispy Kreme runs!"

Flynn's plea mentions a "senior official," and a "very senior official" who sent him a-calludin' with the Russkies, setting off a fun journalistic scavenger hunt, with everybody calling up their favorite sources. By the end of the day, these officials were unmasked as KT "Quick, Send Her to Singapore Before Anybody Notices" McFarland and Jared "King Shit of Portfolio Mountain" Kushner himself.

No word on whether there are further ties to a "very VERY senior official," but rest assured, Mike Pence, you can slink around in the shadows all you like, your day's coming.

Amusingly Team Treason seems to have been caught off guard by Flynn's betrayal. I tell you what, that Ty Cobb dude must have a hypnotically soothing voice if he has any of these clowns believing this investigation ends quickly with complete exoneration and maybe complimentary breadsticks for their trouble.

Mueller's not the only government lawyer throwing hands for justice today, as DoJ told pharmaturdworm Martin Shkreli to fork over the private Wu-Tang Clan album he bought to prove to the world what an irredeemable douchenozzle he is.

There's a bunch of lunchroom gossip that Tangerine Idi Amin wants to kick Rex Tillerson out of the Kewl Kids table and replace him with Mike Pompeo while Torture-Drunk HateYokel Tom Cotton takes over the CIA.

But wait. Some say the story was planted to embarrass Not-even-a-little-bit-Sexy Rexy into resigning, because the President is known to lack the sack to actually fire anyone. And Cotton isn't sure climbing onto this sinking ship is politically savvy. And Littlefinger himself tweets that him n' Rex are still besties and they're actually playing MarioKart later so shut up.

The Candycorn Skidmark declared Mission Accomplished in the War on Xmas, but nobody heard him, because he's so universally loathed he can't even get a decent turnout to a fucking tree lighting ceremony.

Speaking of the burning hatred our Oozing Scrotal Tumor of a President inspires in all decent people, his planned visit to England has been shelved, because after endorsing the British Nazi movement, his plane would've been met at the airport by a massive swarm of football hooligans, including more or less every man, woman, and child in the whole fucking country. Turns out Brits don't like Nazis. Must've been the carpet bombing.

Y'know what's fun? We the American people have already placed almost 150 grand directly into our shitty, corrupt Gangster-in-Chief's pocket, JUST through golf cart rental charges to the Secret Service. Good grief. You sort of wonder if he ever gets to the weekend and goes, "I don't really feel like golfing, but I need the cart rental money to pay off my lawyers."

Apparently the Sunny D-Bag has latched onto the genius idea that a government shutdown would be good for him, likely because he thinks he won't need to show up to work. He's chasing the bottom of that approval rating barrel, ain't he? Today was a step in the right direction though...34-60? OUCH!

The Failing New York Times reports that Little Donnie Two-Scoops has a curious habit of phonin' up Republican Senators just to talk about boys and clothes and Hey You Guys Need to Stop Investigating Me.

Spineless enablers that they are, the Republican Senators in question are only too happy to write off this latest evidence of Boss Shart's well-established pattern of obstructing justice as "Oh, he don't mean no harm, he's just a big, treasonous galoot, y'know? C'mon, cut the poor guy a break, you can't really expect the President to understand complex things like when he is or isn't committing treason, or breaking the law, or threatening the foundations of American democracy! He's just a big dumb kid!"

Private Sector Murder Outsourcer Erik Prince testified before the House Intelligence Committee, for three hours, without a lawyer, because I guess Carter Page is a role model now. Prince swears there was nothing collude-y about his Seychelles meeting with a Putin-connected hedge fund manager, and I think these people's track record of honesty on subject speaks for itself, y'know?

The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, keeps making noises about cracking down on marijuana users, even in states that have legalized th'Reefer Madness, because private prison cells ain't gonna fill themselves, amiright? Sessions, having been left unattended for the morning as Justice officials scrambled to contain the Flynn fallout, pooped on the rug in his office.

Speaking of Jefferson, Adam Schiff says the AG refuses to answer questions about whether his boss ever asked him to interfere in the Russia investigation, opting instead to cover his giant, floppy, cartoon ears and pretend the truth will never, ever catch up to him. Tick tock, JeffBeau.

Lindsey Graham got 31 flavors of surly over the lying librul media treating the poor, misunderstood President like a raving lunatic, just like Lindsey Graham did that one time, and it was mightily fucking funny.

Hey, Roy Moore's still gross, if you were curious. Turns out one of his "minister" boosters got convicted for destroying evidence to cover up for his own child molester son. Really makes you start to wonder about the Alabama evangelical community. Anyhow, Roy wants to fistfight Jimmy Kimmel, I guess?

Of course, the gnus isn't all good, as the organized crime ring we call the Republican Party huddled in a secluded room, doing body shots off a g-string-clad Thom Thillis, throwing every lobbyist wet dream imaginable into their Further Richening of the Already Rich bill, along with a little eye of newt and toe of frog.

Nobody's gonna see the bill until nine minutes before they vote on it, of course. Certainly not the American people. Don't worry, peasants, I'm sure you'll be given ample opportunity to work off your Company Store debt.

Susan Collins and Jeff Flake sold their votes in exchange for a handful of shiny beads and some empty promises from the least trustworthy man on the planet, and are now happily whitewashing the President's fence.

There are all kinds of fancy loopholes in this alleged "simplification" of the tax code. Why, one amendment benefits a single college that lo and behold, the DeVos family supports with massive donations! POPULISM!

Anyhoo, by the time you read this, they'll probably have birthed their little monster into the world, blowing a trillion dollar hole in the deficit, having found a few dozen new tricks to fatten their donors' wallets. See you on the bread line, folks!

Secretary Mnuchbag played this hilarious prank where he told the American people that the Treasury Department had done an analysis saying the GOP tax bill would transform the economy from a 98-pound weakling into a Charles Atlas Man, but he won't show anybody the analysis, possible because it's just an old Jughead Jones comic in a fancy binder.

Anyway, Steve-O's under investigation by Treasury's Inspector General. Yes, another one.

Politco tells us Swollen CongressTick Blake Farenthold spent 84,000 taxpayer dollars to settle a sexual harassment claim brought by a former staffer. I apologize if reading this paragraph conjures the image of Fahrenthold as a sexual being, because obviously that would...(projectile vomits for three minutes.)

Speaking of Republican Jagoffs setting our money on fire, it seems Gowdy Doody fired a dude who refused to play along with his Benghazi farce, and wound up shelling out $150,000 in a wrongful firing settlement! Asked for comment, Gowdy said "Can't talk, raising taxes on seniors and grad students."

And I guess Orange Julius Caesar will be moving the U.S. Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem? Wow. Reckless action without careful consideration of the consequences seems really out of character for this administration.

Oh, and the White House is apparently infested with roaches and vermin. Shit bro, I coulda told you that.

Well, that's all for tonight, Resisters. I've got to finish hanging indictments on the Flynn Flipping Day Tree, but don't worry...my eggnog is SPIKED.

We're All Trapped with this Maniac, and Matt Lauer Just Locked the Door (Ferret/ShowerCap)

A Category 5 shitstorm hit the United States today, leaving millions of Americans without access to decency. Recovery efforts are expected to take years. Ideally three or less.

As always, links version available on my lil' site: http://showercapblog.com/trapped-office-maniac-matt-lauer-just-locked-door/

The Marmalade Shartcannon woke up on the wrong side of the piss-coated mattress today, didn't he? Apparently worried about losing the fealty of the Sloppiest Meth Addict in the Klan lodge, he decided to use the bully pulpit to spread some horrifically bigoted propaganda from a group of British Nazis.

Like, seriously fucked up white supremacist shitsacks. People who keep getting thrown in jail for violence. Giving these monsters a megaphone is such a bad idea that even the poo-flinging morons at Infowars are like "Whoa there, slow down, buck-o!"

...the President is too nutty for Infowars. Sleep tight.

The British are, understandably, rather pissed, because boosting the profile of violent fascists JUST ISN'T CRICKET. Even the Dutch government chimed in, because one of the videos claiming to show a Muslim immigrant beating up a little Dutch boy on crutches was, y'know...not actually a video of that thing.

So yeah, alienating a couple of staunch allies, demonizing millions of people (and, in doing so, playing directly into ISIS' hands, I might add) but hey, David Duke sure seems happy! Anyway, we're bombing Amsterdam next Tuesday, so you better get your pot vacation in this weekend.

Propaganda Minister Sarah Huckabee Sanders proclaimed the Velveeta Urinal Cake's use of phony videos in service of incited religious to be "totally rad," and "tubular, even," before returning to her office to continue work on her musical adaptation of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, where Nurse Ratched is the protagonist.

Yeah, it's maybe not the best thing that the official White House position is "Making Shit Up is Kewl So Long as it Makes People Hate the People We Want Them to Hate." HOT TAKE, CAP.

Oh, and Shartboy also casually suggested that a critical media personality, Joe Scarborough, murdered an intern a few years ago.

And that little tidbit barely made a ripple. Shit, you won't even remember it happened by next Thursday. No, we'll have moved on to how he's forcing the government to buy heavily-marked-up crates of Trump Wine to send to Puerto Rico as disaster aid, or raping a parakeet, or something.

Oh, on the subject of Puerto Rico, it seems FEMA had $30 million in contracts with some no-name/no-experience company to distribute badly-needed tarps in the aftermath of Maria, but the company just...didn't. The Best People strike again!

Hey, remember when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot screeched about how fake newsy CNN International is? Well, it sure hasn't taken long for the media in Egypt and Libya to hop on that bandwagon! Doesn't it just fill you up to the brim with patriotic pride when you see your President's words being weaponized by brutal dictators in the service of oppression? It's like watching a time-lapse video of a bald eagle being hollowed out by cancer.

We're seeing a bumper crop of The President Is Mentally Unwell No Really He's Completely Detached From Reality Seriously He Cray-Cray NO REALLY STOP HIM BEFORE HE BOMBS CLEVELAND, that's kind of a fun change from boring ol' politics-as-usual, huh?

It might not be so bad if he'd been a basically good guy before losing his mind, y'know? Like, if Obama snapped, maybe he'd wander around giving away free souvenir pens, or challenge LeBron to go one on one, but with the current guy, you wonder if he's gonna have anthrax dropped into the Mississippi River.

I guess some jag hilariously actually called "Lucian Wintrich," the Shart House correspondent for the tinfoil-and-bath-salts site Gateway Pundit, gave a little speech about how It's Ok to be White and Also Maybe Assault Some College Kids My Penis is Totally Normal-Sized and Lots of Girls Want to Touch It No Really I Swear.

Overripe Fascist Sebastian Gorka landed a gig with the Heritage Foundation, cementing the conservative movement's transition from "think tanks" to "padded rooms full of bellowing nincompoops."

Secretary of State/Bloviating Dumbfuck Rex Tillerson defended the sweeping, destructive, cuts he's making because he figures him n' Jared'll solve all the world's problems and then there won't be any more problems so why would we need a State Department, CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!

And the Accidental Poosquirt's FCC chair whined about Twitter allegedly discriminating against conservatives, because taking away a Nazi's precious blue checkmark is an assault on free speech, while curb-stomping net neutrality so a handful of rich dudes can decide what we peasants are allowed to see is Tom Jefferson's wettest dream.

Bashful Bob Mueller postponed some grand jury testimony relating to the investigation into Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn's tomfoolery, leading to speculation that the Russia probe needs to carve out extra time for Flynn to blubber and cry and beg for mercy.

Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship announced his candidacy for Joe Manchin's West Virginia Senate seat, because Raw Evil is so hot in Republican politics right now. In related news, the Ebola Virus will join the Republican primary field in the race to replace retiring Senator Jeff Flake.

CNN sez they'll be boycotting the Shart House Xmas party, undermining the President's long-simmering master plan to get Jake Tapper to sit in a chair on which a "whoopie cushion" had been pre-set, thus creating the appearance that Tapper had released a loud, undoubtedly smelly, fart.

Mitch McConnell and his caucus full of Koch Brothers Butlers moved closer to passing their You Pay More Taxes So Rich People Don't Have To "reform" bill. Now they're fucking around with the idea of booby-trapping their already-shitty legislation with automatic triggers that cut spending "if" their trickle-up economics sham somehow fails to supercharge the economy.

"If." Lord. What fools they take us for.

Shit, by the time they're done with this monstrosity, you'll have to leave a duplicate key to your front door with the nearest available billionaire, who will then have the right to wander around your place while you're at work, taking their pick of your stuff, even that awesome Kyle Schwarber bobblehead you got to the ballpark 2 hours early to get.

And then Sam Brownback, architect of Kansas' Let's Turn the Economy Into an Ayn Rand Theme Park "experiment" which failed so badly that public schools closed early because they couldn't afford to keep the lights on, showed up to say "Forget all that pesky real-world evidence! Everything went perfectly in Kansas! The unobtanium mines have reopened, and every single taxpayer is dating a supermodel!"

And the Senate GOP went, "GOOD ENOUGH FOR US," and high-fived themselves, even as Colorado sent out letters to CHIP recipients warning that funding will run out in two months because Republicans let it lapse. WINNING.

Anyway, it's a shit bill. The AARP hates it. More than two thousand faith leaders hate it. The American people hate it.
Sadly, about 52 eager little oligarch stooges seem rather enamored with it, so here we are.

Smallhands Magoo gave a little speech saying the tax bill would be bad for him, when it would actually save him and his creepy, devolved family around a billion dollars, but he peppered it with a little racism so everybody cheered.

But hey, the Christ Down Off the Cross Guy will believe him! Cult45 is nothing if not loyal! Right up to the moment their house gets foreclosed on because they started missing payments when Dad got sick from the unregulated toxins in the air at work, they'll beam, "Golly, that Donald Trump sure tells it like is!," perhaps managing one final, wheezed, "Lock...her...up." before expiring.

President Crotchvoid went on to identify "welfare reform" as his next priority, because Trumpism is an engine that runs on the fear and resentment of the shittiest white people around, and Donnie Two-Scoops needs to pick up speed before Mueller and co. get any closer.

Matt Lauer has been fired for being so pervy n' gross that he had a secret Lock the Office Door While I Whip Out My Junk button on his desk, which is...not the sort of button a decent fellow has on his desk.

In response, Geraldo Rivera is proposing all sorts of fun new rules regarding sexual harassment accusations in the news business, which he refers to as "flirty," like "hey, ladies, don't go to journalism school if you don't want wind up locked in a room with a pantsless dude waggling his dong atcha! That's reporting 101!" Geraldo's Rulz include a "Report within 5 years or it doesn't count" amendment, and a special, blanket exemption for the mustachioed.

ProPublica reports the Shart Administration is lookin' to give their Orb-Mates in Saudi Arabia some pipin' fresh nuclear technology, because an arms race is just what the Middle East needs to spice things up next season!

Here's some good gnus...a bunch of Drumpf Organization business have been subpoenaed to retain records in a big emoluments clause lawsuit. It'll be nice to see that bribery paper trail!

And I see Roy Moore co-wrote some creepy faux-Christian cult textbook that says women:

A) Shouldn't be allowed to run for office.
B) Probably shouldn't even get to vote.
C) Should be considered legal tender when used by their father to settle any outstanding debts.
A daughter may be worth as much as two oxen, or even a threshing machine, depending on her youth and hotness.

Oh, and Little Donnie Dotard rage-tweeted at some poor woman with the misfortune of sharing a name with the British Prime Minister, because he not only has the temperament of a toddler, but the intellect to match.

What's this now? Your Jared Kushner already met with Mueller? Regarding Flynn? How very interesting...hope you enjoyed your time together, Jar-Jar, I don't imagine it's last time you'll be sitting on that particular hot seat.

...as you can see, we're in the midst of an American tragedy. Please donate to recovery efforts.

In Which Project Veritas Wins President Drumpf's Fake News Trophy

Hey there, folks. Remember the Obama administration? There'd be entire weeks where you wouldn't pay attention to the news at all, right? Oh sure, you'd notice out of the corner of your eye that Mitch McConnell was bellowing about something, and maybe Joe Biden let a swear slip out every now and then, but...it was quiet. Pleasant.

I sat down tonight to work up this post thinking it was kind of a slow news day. Maybe not even worth writing about. Heh. Standards...they change.

As usual, you can find tonight's post on my fancypants website, with all the shiny links and such, at: http://showercapblog.com/project-veritas-wins-president-drumpfs-fake-news-trophy/

Ok, Resisters, before we break down this latest Manic Monday, have you called your congressmonster regarding the New American Aristocracy Creation Act, excuse me, "tax reform bill" yet?

You gotta get on that before you read any further, campers. Civic Duty = Peas, Shower Cap = Dessert. I swear, I'll turn this blog around right now.

US Capitol Switchboard: (202) 224-3121

We can, and must kill this monstrosity. The CBO confirmed today that yes, this bill fucks the poor over hardcore, just so the uber-wealthy can go full Elizabeth-Banks-in-the-Hunger-Games. Families making under $40,000 annually will be forced to send their first-born to Chuckie Koch's estate to work as servants on fox hunts, probably. GET ON THE DAMN PHONE.

Did you call? Did you REALLY call? Let me see your phone, I'mma look at your call history.

...okay, you may read my juvenile poop jokes now.

So, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits started the day with a tweetantrum about how there should be a CONTEST between all the tv networks for who has the fakest nooz about his flawless, universally-admired, Presidency.

And ok, so the guy with nuclear codes talks like the dumbest kid in fourth grade, that's fun. Perhaps in the NAFTA negotiations, he'll try to classic "Countrypayingfortheborderwallsayswhat?" tactic.

Hey, look! The Mooch clawed out another eight seconds of fame! Seems Tony Ten-Days was supposed to speak at an event at his alma matter, but got booted for threatening to sue a kid who wrote an anti-Mooch op-ed in the school paper. That's a totally normal thing for a secure, successful, grown-ass man to do.

In about six years, Scaramucci'll wander the streets of D.C. like some modern-day Dickens tramp, accosting strangers who drift too close to him, begging, "Please sir...can I have some camera time?"

The Shart House ethics lawyer resigned today, perhaps because the day-to-day grind of rubbing his ass all over the Constitution of the United States of America for the benefit of a handful of petty crooks had become monotonous Who cares? Fuck that guy.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who apparently exists in the real world, and not just in technicolor costume dramas, weighed in on Cult45, saying "What the FUCK, you guys? Jesus was super specific about lying and cheating and stealing, and if he didn't expressly address pussy-grabbing, it's because he figured NOBODY WAS FUCKING STUPID ENOUGH TO NEED TO BE TOLD NOT TO FUCKING DO THAT."

Well, Mick "The guy who jerks off to the galley slave scenes in BEN-HUR" Mulvaney tried taking charge of the CFPB today, as did Leandra "I actually want this agency to do the job it's supposed to" English. English filed a lawsuit aimed at preventing Micky from taking over, so the ongoing circus we call the executive branch just opened up yet another ring.

I like to imagine everyone's dividing up into factions, and somebody's working on a clever parody of some West Side Story lyrics, tailored to Consumer Protection shop talk, but that's probably just wishful thinking.

And Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn appears to have sent his lawyers to negotiate a "Please don't send me and my shitty kid to jail forever" plea arrangement with Bobadook Mueller's team, which at least explains President Shartcannon's increasingly unhinged tweeting. The noose...she tightens.

Boss Shart announced he won't go down to Alabama to campaign for serial child molester Roy Moore. Probably worried they'd end up competing for the same chicks at the skating rink.

Meanwhile, PedoRoy's opponent, Doug Jones (Who you've donated to already, right? NO? Open that wallet, Resister!) reminded the good folks of Alabama that the Ex-Judge is completely unfit to serve even without the sexual assault allegations. The Creepy Old Fucker is actually anti-preschool.

And Alabama's other Senator, Richard Shelby, announced he didn't vote for Moore, but wrote in the name of a "distinguished Republican" instead. Shelby initially refused to reveal the identity of his write-in, but after persistent badgering, eventually barked "It's Jon Voight, okay?!? His work in ANACONDA...has always moved me."

Moore finally drew a Republican write-in opponent, retired Marine Colonel/John Kelly aide Lee Busby. Congrats, Alabama, on your own personal Evan McMullin. Every vote you siphon off from the pedophile is a-ok with me, Lee.

The owners of the Trump International Hotel in Panama are all "Please God, let us scrape your shitty, Nazi-apologizing, pedophile-endorsing name off our building so that we can make money again!" Remember, Shart Garfunkel isn't an actual real estate developer anymore; he's in the branding business. He's too widely known as a crook to actually BUILD things now, he just slaps his name on things that other people build.

But now that name is a liability. Which is why it's coming off so many buildings. Hell, fees to be unassociated with the Drumpf brand will probably be Junior-n-Eric's chief revenue stream going forward.

So, we all know that Orange Julius Caesar isn't up to the job of "President of the United States." He's hopelessly overmatched...too stupid, too lazy, too selfish, too incurious...this is why he fails so fucking much.

Still, today, he faced a task he really ought to have been able to pull off. A gig roughly equivalent to the job description of "Walmart Greeter."

Just a little ceremony, honoring some legit, badass, American heroes. Navajo Code Talkers. Just read a few words, shake a couple hands, take some photos.

How could you fuck something like that up? Just...smile, nod, and don't say anything racist for six minutes. My fucking cat could manage that. But not the President. Nope, Draftdodger Don looks at these AMERICAN HEROES and goes, "You know what they'd like? An ETHNIC SLUR! Preferably directly in front of a portrait of famous bigot! Can I read a room, or can I read a room?"

Jesus Tittyfucking Christ.

And god love her, Sarah Sanders marched out, and sneered at the press "No, it wasn't an ethnic slur, YOUR FACE IS AN ETHNIC SLUR!" She is, if nothing else, happy in her work.

Getting back to our Commander-in-Chief's extraordinarily limited mental capacity, didja see the thing Rich Lowry posted today? Lowry wrote a column after the GOP's electoral taint-punting in Virginia a couple weeks back, about how Drumpf had become a weight around his party's neck, BUT the piece had the ego-handjobbing title "There is Only Trump," so Dumbass shot back a little signed thank-you note in the style of his pathetic "I do SO have normal-sized fingers" correspondence with Spy Magazine, back in the day.

Also, earlier today, James O'Keefe released a video of himself just wailing away on his own crotch with a pair of ball peen hammers.

Ok, not quite, but he might as well have.

Seems Jimmy dispatched one of his Project Dumbshit undercover clowns at some WaPo reporters, pretending to be a woman impregnated as a teenager by Roy Moore, in attempt to later jump out of a closet yelling "Surprise! The Washington Post doesn't vet their sources," only the Washington Post vetted their sources.

Yeah, they investigated the undercover clown's backstory (perhaps tipped off by the greasepaint makeup still lingering around her collar?), and even tracked her back to Jimbo's HQ. And they confronted her, and they recorded the confrontation, and then they published a whole article about this bumbling group of would-be spies, and how they are colossal stupid.

Anyway, Jimmy's frantically scrambling to recut whatever footage he has to make it come out "My name is Werner Brandes. My voice is my passport. Verify me." Good luck.

But hey, at least they can take comfort in swiftly winning that Fake Nooz trophy Dorito Mussolini offered earlier.

Anyway, that's just ONE FUCKING DAY, and of course there's stuff I missed. Team Rex lost a key administrative state deconstructer, and the Senate GOP is frantically scrambling to placate the various asshole constituencies they need to ram their tax bill (Did you call? You better have fucking called.) through.

And tomorrow will certainly dump its own fresh batch of shit on all our heads.

Can't wait.

Seb Gorka's Too Sexy For His Jordache Suede Vest and Other News (Ferret/ShowerCap!)

Hey everyone...as is the norm, you can check out the post on my shiny website, complete with links n' such:

http://showercapblog.com/gorka-is-too-sexy/

I must've left the Thanksgiving leftovers out overnight, right? They grew some sort of hallucinogenic mold, and the weekend's Pink Elephants on Parade insanity is just a figment of my imagination, right?

...right?

Well, I wanna dive right into the largest controversy facing the nation today: separate videos have surfaced of Malia Obama blowing smoke rings and kissing a boy and probably holding up a bank with the Symbionese Liberation Army.

Don't worry, America, the Daily Caller is ON IT.

The Candycorn Skidmark took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to proclaim himself to be Time Magazine's Secret Canadian Girlfriend. Yeah, they asked him to be Guy With Totally Normal-Sized Fingers of the Year, or something, but he was busy...doing Canadian things, I guess.

Meanwhile, Time Magazine's over in the corner, doing the happiest dance imaginable, having briefly tricked the world into believing that Time Magazine is in any way relevant anymore.

There was some controversy regarding Sarah Huckabee Sanders and an allegedly forged chocolate pecan pie. Surly Spice took tremendous offense, of course. Sure, she'll lie about crime, about terrorism, about health care, about taxes, about Russia, shit, that woman would lie about the color of her blouse, but even the Minster of Indoctrination for our Dime Store Mussolini Wannabe honors the sacred code of pastry candor.

While the Uncredible Huck's pie may be real, the anti-net-neutrality commenters on the FCC website are NOT! (How's THAT for a transition?) Yes, it looks like bots threw up millions of "Hell to tha Yes We Want a Couple of Megarich Corporations Deciding Which Websites We're Allowed to Look At" comments, and for extra fun, the FCC won't cooperate in investigations into this fraud, because bots are people too, especially when they want the same things Republicans want.

We were treated to dueling pieces on young Jared Kushner's portfolio shrinking like Seb Gorka's already-barely-extant weenie* in a cold pool. In a couple weeks, Jared's "portfolio" will be reduced to overseeing a couple of interns he'll order to reenact scenes from Mad About You in his office while he gradually devolves into a gibbering mess awaiting Robert Mueller's inevitable indictments.

Didja see where Donnie Dotard thinks we have a literally invisible jet? Like, a jet airplane that flies around doing cool jet stuff, but nobody can see it, because it is FUCKING INVISIBLE. Gullible twit thinks we live in a comic book. Somebody could show him clips from Justice League, tell him it's satellite footage, and he'd be tweeting about how some Parademons are "very fine people" by the end of the day.

Princess Ivanka and Low-T Rex are slap-fighting over who gets to embarrass America on the world stage, it's just like a reality show! Except it's two comically incompetent buffoons and we have to live with the consequences of their reckless childishness either way. Fun.**

Speaking of Tilly, the Failing New York Times dropped a horrifying article detailing his transformation of the State Department into Steve Bannon's Diplomatic Deconstruction Demolition Derby.

Rex is like that shitty neighbor who borrows your shit and breaks it. Somebody tell Bizarro J.R. Ewing we're gonna want a State Department at some point in the future, so quit fucking it up.

And while we're on the Gray Lady, they treated us to a heartwarming profile of an aw-shucks-I-done-holocausted-the-neighbor's-dog Nazi next door. He likes Seinfeld while also wanting to put Jews into ovens, what a quirky contradiction! He is a lot like you and me, only he subscribes to a genocidal ideology, also here is his Pinterest page, he seems to have a thing for frogs, how cute!

(Also, pro tip: in the future, maybe don't link to the Etsy Swastika Armband shop, k?)

So, you know how Richard Cordray left the CFPB? And how Team Shart wants to make Mick "Your Credit Card Contract Should Make You the Bank's Legal Indentured Servant" Mulvaney the acting director?

Well, apparently the text of the bill that set up the CFPB in the first place (When I say "Dodd," you say "Frank!" stipulates that the Deputy Director automatically becomes Acting Director in the event of a vacancy, and Cordray appointed a Deputy Director on his way out the door.

Soooo...I guess the Bureau will have two directors show up to work Monday morning? Will they passive-aggressively squabble over the radio station and the lunch order? Set up dueling Secret Santa programs? Thumb-wrestle for supremacy? Tune in next week, same Consumer Protection time, same Consumer Protection channel...

Word is, Government Cheese Goebbels has taken to floating, in private, the idea that the Access Hollywood/Pussygrabber/Such an Insecure Loser He's Trying to Impress a Tapeworm Like Billy Bush tape...is fake. We're at the corner of narcissistic dementia and Holy Balls I Really Can Get Away With Anything, aren't we?

And the Hairplug That Ate Decency attacked the free press again, because sometimes you just gotta play the hits. He says that Fux Nooz is the best, especially the Hannity Gives the President a Lapdance Propaganda Hour, but CNN is all fake news, especially the parts about the Russia investigation and Salma Hayek refusing to date him.

We can talk about how CNN International is the only free, open, media source many citizens of oppressive regimes worldwide have access to. We can also talk about how the President of the United States just gave the world's dictators a free pass to treat journalists, many of them American citizens, as enemies of the state, endangering journalists' lives. Indeed, Putin just signed a law designating such media organizations as "foreign agents," what a coinkydink!

Mostly, it's just fucking tragic that this blustering hemorrhoid doesn't think twice about the damage he's doing to the fundamental fabric of American democracy; he's just looking to get his own crooked ass off the hook. If he has to set the whole damn Constitution on fire to stay out of jail, he won't think twice about it.

General Michael Hayden says it best, I think.

Oh, and what does Il Douche propose as an alternative media outlet? Why, a white nationalist conspiracy site so looney you can hear the tinfoil crinkle as it loads.

And Littlefinger weighed in on the fast-approaching Alabama senate election, criticizing Doug "I prosecuted murderous Klansmen" Jones for being soft on crime, compared with Roy "I am literally a serial pedophile who was banned from the mall for hitting on high school girls" Moore. It's just ZANY what a rich guy will do when he has a multi-million-dollar tax cut on the line, ain't it?

As the legal bills start reaching into the millions, Team Shart has begun transferring the responsibility from their campaign coffers to a legal defense fund. Heh. Maybe that's how we'll get 'em, in the end...imagine Drumpf trying to write his shitty kid's treason defense off as a charitable deduction...bam! Multi-million-dollar tax fraud scheme.

A little late breaking news: Susan Sarandon is still a smug, self-righteous moron. Stop the fuckin' presses.

Alright, Resisters, that's all I got tonight. The cranberry sauce looks like it's fermented by now...I'm gonna try that Wizard of Oz/Dark Side of the Moon thing...

*Seriously. No secure human being would take this photo.

**Not actually fun.

Thanksgiving Eve Post, in Which the Ferret Coins the Phrase "GOPeen!" Sorry.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving, Resisters! This year I find myself shockingly appreciative for the absence of an initiated-by-a-pissing-contest-between-the-two-least-secure-men-on-the-planet nuclear war, so I'll give thanks for that, and for Special Counsel Bob Mueller and his team.

Anyway. As always, the full post with links is available on my site:

http://showercapblog.com/happy-thanksgiving-hope-lisa-murkowski-lets-you-have-another-one/

Let's get the madness out of the way so we can enjoy all the traditional thanksgiving foods, except maybe yams, which seem somehow sinister this year.

Naturally, Donnie Two-Scoops couldn't get through a simple turkey-pardoning ceremony without his pathetic obsession with his predecessor surfacing. He then retreated to the Oval Office, pulled out the portrait of Obama he keeps in the top drawer of his desk, and attempted to flog himself, but his tiny, tiny hands couldn't wrap around the flail.

The Shart's FCC chairman, Amit Pai, unveiled his plan to kick net neutrality in the junk, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money. I dunno. I think the problem's probably overblown a bit. When have corporations ever worked against the interests of their consumers? And why do crowbar-wielding Pinkertons turn up at my door every time I try accessing Consumer Reports now?

Moving over to the State Department...y'know what, let me just quote this in its entirety:

"A group of about a dozen U.S. State Department officials have taken the unusual step of formally accusing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson of violating a federal law designed to stop foreign militaries from enlisting child soldiers, according to internal documents reviewed by Reuters."

WHAT THE LIVING FUCK?!?!? Look, I know that, despite our fantasies regarding our nation's goodness, the United States doesn't always wear the white hat, but surely we can do better than "Aw shucks, what're a few child soldiers between friends?" Right?

RIGHT?

Remember, Low-T Rex said he only took the SoS job, which he is tragically unqualified for, because his wife said "God" wanted him to. You might wanna check in with this "God" fellah sometime, I don't think he's super into child soldiers.

Or maybe this is the same "God" that told Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum to run for the President, in which case you've confused "God" with an otherworldly prankster, some sort of cosmic Johnny Knoxville.

And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet apparently wants to appoint a political hack with no experience to run the census, just another one of those things that would have been a front page scandal under any other President, but which barely registers at all in the eye of the shitstorm we endure every single motherfucking day now.

I guess Paul Manafort, and his shitty little sidekick, Rick Gates, have been granted conditional release from house arrest to attend Thanksgiving festivities. They have to tell the court where they're going, and they're not allowed to remove their ankle bracelets or drink booze. Plus they'll be accompanied by an FBI agent who kidney punches them every hour on the hour.

Ok, I made that last part part up. But a guy can dream, can't he?

In Potentially Really Awful News, Alaska's Lisa Murkowski, a key vote in sinking the Pleb-Slaughtering Drumpfcare bill a few weeks back, wrote an op-ed expressing support for repealing the ACA's individual mandate in the Republican tax "reform" bill.

That this would raise premiums for millions, steal insurance from millions more, and politically annihilate the GOP in 2018 seems lost on Senator Murkowski. Hey, if anybody reading this knows anybody in Alaska...for real, pester them to pester their Senator. Lives are on the line, folks.

Speaking of the tax bill, the Tax Policy Center says this conservative monstrosity could reduce charitable giving by between 12 and 20 billion dollars, just in 2018. Neat. We really are remaking the whole country in the image of our shitty grifter first family. Maybe we can carve out a deduction for purchasing paintings of yourself.

This whole Roy Moore thing is like an Adam Sandler movie; you sort of futilely hope it won't keep getting worse, but you know better.

So it wasn't much of a surprise when we heard from a police officer telling stories of being specifically assigned to keep Roy "I am a grown ass man in his thirties" Moore away from the cheerleaders at high school football games.

Hey, I don't want to pass judgment on anybody, but if you need YOUR OWN PERSONAL COP TO KEEP YOU FROM SEXUALLY HARASSING HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS, you should seriously think about locking yourself in the basement forever.

Now, one of Roy's "defenders" says the would-be Senator dated such girls because he was attracted to their "purity," which I sincerely thought would be the grossest part of today's post, but goddamn if another Republican didn't top it. More on that in a minute (I'm saying this so you can get yourself a barf bag before scrolling down further.)

Naturally President Pussygrabber came to Moore's defense. He said, of the surge in accusations of sexual assault, that "I'm very happy a lot of these things are coming out. I'm very happy it's being exposed," and that "Women are very special."

Except for the 9 women who accused Moore of sexual assault. And the 16 women that accused Trump himself of sexual assault. Those women aren't special, they are lying whores. Anyone who accuses Al Franken is special though. Basically, women are special if they accuse a a Democrat, but they're filthy Jezebels if they accuse anyone in a MAGA hat.

With the recent avalanche of sexual assault accusations against powerful men in fields ranging from politics to journalism to entertainment, there's this strange triumphal smugness from a certain corner of the right-wing Creeposphere, proclaiming vindication for the so-called "Pence Rule." If you've forgotten, this is Mikey Hairshirt's policy of refusing to ever be alone in a room with a woman. Some wingnuts claim this protects men from temptation, others say it's a proactive defense against false accusations of sexual assault.

And, hey, if refusing one-on-one meetings with women permanently cuts half the population off from access to the halls of power, so be it, right? Most hilarious are these neanderthals treating Pencey-Poo like some sort of Sexual Politics Visionary, and not a seriously revolting pervert who fears his own sexual impulses and who is almost certainly wearing a WWI-era gas mask and fucking a can of cranberry sauce as you read this.

I guess John Kelly is doing all he can to diminish young Jared Kushner's "portfolio," for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that he's a blistering idiot who doesn't know anything about anything. I dunno, General. If a red-blooded All-American boy who got rich by being a rich guy's son can't bring peace to the Middle East while simultaneously eliminating government waste and fixing the DC Comics cinematic universe, who can?

Just to season the injury with a little insult, Palestinian Authority chairman Mahmoud Abbas refused to take Jar-Jar's call, because we're past the point where anybody anywhere takes him seriously.

See where the government of the United States is selling Shartboy's shitty wine in national park gift shops? I tell ya, for a dude who lacks even a passing interest in any of the issues an American President should be dealing with, Don the Con has hella tight grift game.

What next? Sarah Huckabee Sanders schilling crappy, well-done, streaks from the briefing room podium? A mini-Trump University at the Citadel? Rupert Murdoch buys Vogue in a frantic attempt to make too-long neckties stylish?

An ethics complaint has been filed against Kellyanne Conway, who quite clearly violated the Hatch Act with her statements about Roy Moore and Doug Jones in recent days. Amongst the emoluments violations and the treason and the mass deportations and Jeff Sessions throwing every non-white person he comes across into a private prison, Hatch Act violations seem kinda quaint, but hey, they nailed Al Capone on tax evasion, right?

Senator Tom Carper told CNN interviewers about President Spit Bucket at a Napa Valley Orange Crush Tasting calling in to a tax meeting, and babbling like a moron until the participants faked a bad connection to get him off the phone so the grown-ups could keep talking. Some details were disputed, but it mostly seems to be a matter of how polite Gary Cohn was in dismissing the Rambling Toddler in Chief.

And the Drumpf Organization backed out of their partnership in their SoHo hotel, the latest massive humiliating business failure for the dude who was elected President allegedly for being such a good businessman. The Shart of the Deal strikes again.

NBC reports one of Mike Flynn's business partners is now being investigated by Bob Mueller and his team of investigators/lawyers/samurai warriors, serving as your casual reminder that, though it's seemingly been normalized, HOLY SHIT THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES WAS AN UNREGISTERED FOREIGN AGENT, with all the access to classified intel that implies.

As for Shartleby the Scrivener himself, well, he Twitter-yelled at some black people some more, and then he went golfing. His staff admitted he was going golfing, but then pretended he was doing Fancy Important Things Instead of Golfing, but everybody fucking knows that he just went golfing.

Hey, before we close out this holiday post, how would you like a little GOPEEN?

Representative Joe Barton is happy to oblige! Joe apparently had himself a relationship with a woman he imagined would partake of the sight of his nude, snowman-shrieking-in-horror-as-it-melts-in-the-sun pasty ol' bod, and it would just make her goddamn day.

Anyway, it's now a gift Barton has shared with the whole world, so if you want to get all Roman with your Thanksgiving dinner, find yerself a vomitorium*, whip out your pocket-Barton on your phone to induce purging, and go back for that third slice of pecan pie!

(Ugh. While I was putting tonight's post together, I saw this Vanity Fair deep-dig into That One Time President Shartcannon Leaked Highly Classified Information to the Russians Right in the Oval Fucking Office. Remember that? Or is it one more detail lost in the daily bludgeoning?)

Well, that's all I've got for tonight. Enjoy your meals and your families and your friends, Resisters. Be sure to drink all that booze Paul Manafort can't have!

*Yes, I know the whole vomitorium thing isn't real. Let a man have his jokes, wouldja?
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