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Member since: Tue Jul 28, 2015, 10:35 PM
Number of posts: 850

Journal Archives

Borowitz: Expanding the court

Democrats Favor Expanding Supreme Court by Adding Entire Obama Family

Acknowledging that the Obamas “already have a lot on their plates,” the activist asserted that serving on the Court could be worked into the family’s busy schedule.

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Borowitz: The downside of Trump never having read a book

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s decision to talk to Bob Woodward demonstrates the downside of never having read a book in his entire life, experts say.

While millions of Americans were astonished that Trump would voluntarily speak at great length to an author famous for his takedowns of Presidents, experts believe that a total obliviousness to books and what is inside them might have played a pivotal role.

Davis Logsdon, a University of Minnesota professor who studies the psychology of people who have never read a book in their lives, said that such people might be overconfident about how they would be portrayed if a book were ever written about them.

“If you’ve never read a book in your life, you might be under the impression that all books are flattering,” he said. “You would have no idea that a book could portray you as a human dumpster fire.”

As for Trump, Logsdon said that the President would “definitely benefit” from reading a book someday, but added, “It’s a little late for that now.”

Edit to include link


Borowitz :Trump Says He Deserves No Blame for State US Because He Has Not Actually Worked 4 years

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against attempts to brand the United States of 2020 as “Trump’s America,” Donald Trump said that he deserves no blame for the state of the country, because he has not actually done any work for the past four years.

“I could understand people blaming me for things if I had actually been doing my job, but, quite frankly, I haven’t,” he said. “Anybody who claims otherwise is a terrible person.”


At last, a statement that stands up to fact checking.

I don't want to anger Grovelbot, and I would like to help DU

How do I donate and give someone a star membership? Please note that the laptop is having problems, so I need to do this on my phone.

As if there weren't enough reasons to vote Biden/Harris, Andy Borowitz weighs in...

U.S. Sen. Kamala Harris delivers.
Satire from The Borowitz Report

Harris’s Approval Rating Soars After Trump Reminds Nation How “Nasty” She Was to Kavanaugh
“When Trump said that she had been ‘nasty’ at the confirmation hearing, I had to go to YouTube and relive that glorious event,” one voter said.

So I'm watching Brian Williams, having been media free for most of the afternoon...

BLOTUS was just on the teevee, and after watching him I thought:

"Good grief, Kellyanne, you got his meds wrong AGAIN!"

Borowitz: Americans Oppose More Payments to a Man Who is Not Working

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Americans Oppose More Payments to Man Who Is Not Working

By Andy Borowitz
August 8, 2020
Mitch McConnell
Photograph by Tom Brenner / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are vehemently opposed to issuing more government payments to a Kentucky man who has not been working during the coronavirus crisis.

According to reports, the man has been receiving a weekly check amounting to over three thousand dollars for doing nothing, all at taxpayers’ expense.

Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a watchdog group called Americans Against Waste and Abuse, called the payments to this non-working individual “nothing short of scandalous.”

“If you do the math, he is receiving checks that add up to $174,000 a year,” Dorrinson said. “Under those circumstances, what is his incentive to work?”

Dorrinson said that the payments the man has been receiving should be cut off “immediately” and sent to someone who is providing essential services during the pandemic, like a health-care worker or first responder.

As for the Kentucky man, Dorrinson said, “It’s time for him to stop living off the government and show some personal responsibility.”


Sometimes, I wonder why Borowitz is labelled as "satire".

Sorry the photo of the turtle did not copy.

Borowitz: Biden leading Trump among Voters who favor being alive

Joe Biden smiling.
Photograph by Andrew Harnik / AP / Shutterstock
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.

The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.

In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.

“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”

Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”

“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.

OK, MSNBC just confirmed it. Roger Stone's sentence commuted.

Borowitz: Trump freaks out after giant statue of Obama appears on WH lawn

I don't know how I missed this yesterday, but it's a good one. "He cares so much about history" is the best line.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.

Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.

Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.

At 7 a.m., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.

Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.

Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.

“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”

Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.

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