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EEO

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Member since: Sun May 11, 2014, 05:46 PM
Number of posts: 1,620

Journal Archives

New Florida Voter I.D. Law Only to Accept RNC Membership Card

New Florida Voter I.D. Law Only to Accept RNC Membership Card
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari): Today, Florida Governor Rick Scott (R) threw his support behind a new voter I.D. bill that aims to be the strictest in the nation. The "Voting Responsibly Bill," or "HB 2016," was introduced by Florida House Speaker Steve Crisafulli (R - District 51) and will only allow a Republican National Committee (RNC) membership card to be an acceptable form of identification for Florida voters.


::SNIP::

Earlier drafts of the legislation only required a voter in Florida to have any RNC membership card, but Republican state legislators led by Speaker Crisafulli decided that was not strict enough.

"Only a RNC Platinum Membership Card can truly defend against voter fraud in Florida," stated Crisafulli.


Biden: No Presidential Run, Americans "Too Stupid to Vote for Me"

Biden: No Presidential Run, Americans "Too Stupid to Vote for Me"
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): Vice President Joe Biden announced today he would not be running for president in 2016. Biden blamed his fellow Americans for making a presidential run almost certain to fail.


::SNIP::

The vice president was more than happy to elaborate at the request of the press and added, "It is those retards in the 'red states' who vote against their own economic well-being over and over again then wonder why they have less stuff than they did during the last election cycle and their standard of living is taking a nosedive."


GOP Presidential Debates to Ban Evolution, Climate Change, Age of the Earth

GOP Presidential Debates to Ban Evolution, Climate Change, Age of the Earth
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari): The Republican National Committee (RNC) announced today it was banning certain "divisive subjects" from being discussed during the 2016 GOP presidential debates. The subjects at the top of the list include evolution, man-made climate change, and the age of the Earth.


::SNIP::

Chairman Priebus added, "Americans want us to talk about real policy issues like jobs, and increasing military spending while cutting the size of government, and more jobs."


::SNIP::

"Our presidential candidates will continue to wage a social war we have already lost against gay marriage during the forty debates we have scheduled. And there is little doubt all of our candidates will be playing up the freedom every American should have to die due to inability to afford health insurance," pledged Priebus.


Texas Declares State of Emergency, Appoints Chuck Norris President

Texas Declares State of Emergency, Appoints Chuck Norris President
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

AUSTIN, T.X. (The Nil Admirari): Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) announced a State of Emergency in the Lone Star State and named Chuck Norris the President of the Republic of Texas. Abbott defended his decision and stated, "Despite denials from the Pentagon, a lot of Texans still fear the Jade Helm 15 military exercise expected to start here in mid-July is actually a federal plot to declare martial law and seize control of our state."


::SNIP::

"The people of Texas are in no way insulting America's brave soldiers who are just following orders, but we will target any American military personnel who have not left Texas within seventy-two hours," said President Norris during a press conference from his presidential mansion at the Alamo.


::SNIP::


"I don't know what reality President Obama is living in, but I will not allow Texas to be put under martial law and seized by the United States," stated Norris. He subsequently announced Senator Ted Cruz (R- T.X.) had been named Vice President of Texas for his "undeniable patriotism and loyalty to America."



Boehner Praises Report Ranking U.S. 33rd Best Country for Mothers to Live In

Boehner Praises Report Ranking U.S. 33rd Best Country for Mothers to Live In
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

"The United States ranking 33rd in best countries to be a mother in is what makes America #1," stated Boehner.


::SNIP::

Speaker Boehner was momentarily able to compose himself to state, "America could not have done any of it without conservatives opposing a universal healthcare system that would guarantee healthcare to every citizen, which we could easily afford. And you can bet we're coming for Obamacare."


Fox News Wants You to Know ISIS is Everywhere

Fox News Wants You to Know ISIS is Everywhere
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

"I hate to tell you this America, but ISIS is everywhere and President Obama's socialist policies are definitely responsible," stated Raze, who did not elaborate on specifics for very good reasons.


::SNIP::

Fox & Friends allowed Ann Coulter to speak during the subsequent debate on whether Obama was the worst president in history to ensure President Obama would have a "fair and balanced" hearing.



Buddy Clinton Case Reopened

Buddy Clinton Case Reopened
Source: The Nil Admirari



::SNIP::

NEW CASTLE, N.Y. (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, the New Castle Police Department announced the investigation into the 2002 death of Buddy Clinton had been reopened. Spokesman Dale Harris cited "new evidence" in the death of the male Labrador Retriever owned by President Bill Clinton from December 1997 until the tragic events of January 2, 2002.

"We have found credible evidence that Buddy Clinton was murdered in a carefully planned hit and run," said Harris during the morning press conference called by the New Castle Police Department.


::SNIP::

Harris did comment on a motive, however. "This looks like a case where Buddy Clinton was turned into a helpless pawn to send an early message to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) about an important resolution she would have to vote for in the autumn of 2002."

Rep. Louie Gohmert Fears U.S. Planning Annexation of Texas

Rep. Louie Gohmert Fears U.S. Planning Annexation of Texas
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

"I sit in my office at the U.S. Capitol Building as a duly elected representative of Texas and I fear the United States government is plotting to seize Texas," said Gohmert in the press release.

::SNIP::

Gohmert claimed he sent a letter of protest to the White House, but President Obama said the envelope from Gohmert's office only contained $600 in cash for someone called "Princess Peach."

Who is Carly Fiorina?

Who is Carly Fiorina?
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

PALO ALTO, C.A. (The Nil Admirari): Earlier this week, Carly Fiorina announced she was running for president as a Republican. Many Americans are wondering who Carly Fiorina is, and we have done some investigating to help you be an informed voter.

Carly Fiorina is a lesbian and LGBT activist who lives in Palo Alto, California with her wife Lassie Burns. Fiorina was the successful CEO of Hewlett-Packard Co. from 1999-2005 where she doubled profits, hired 30,000 new employees in an unprecedented expansion of the company, and retired to focus on Constitutional law despite the pleas of her board to remain at the company.


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Struggling McDonald's Thinks About Offering Actual Food Soon

Struggling McDonald's Thinks About Offering Actual Food Soon
Source: The Nil Admirari

::SNIP::

"McDonald's is prepared to offer actual food and move away from unprofitable conversations about what is actually in our formerly popular items like burgers, chicken nuggets, and french fries," said Easterbrook.


::SNIP::

A member of the press asked Easterbrook if McDonald's was going to make sure the "actual" produce and meat it was thinking about offering consumers would be free of pesticides and hormones, respectively.


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