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Nuclear Unicorn

Nuclear Unicorn's Journal
Nuclear Unicorn's Journal
August 2, 2012

Life ...WOW!

Work has been -- so much WORK!

Who knew?

We have been swamped by our recent projects and the boss is away scratching up new contracts. For some inconceivable reason whenever he leaves he relies on me to push this or that through to its conclusion. Chasing vendors. Finalizing contract amendments. Hurdling various and sundry bureaucrats.

And on top of that he keeps adding weight to my purse!

But I feel bad because I used to hate it when Lover Boy worked overtime. Now I'm the one working overtime and still bringing work home. His response? He has dinner waiting for me most nights. I'm OK with that because he's the better cook -- by far! -- but I miss him when I'm not around. This "responsible adult" thing sucks!

Yet, it feels good seeing the things we do amount to something. Seeing dozens of people get jobs feels good. The pay is great but the intangibles are leaving me ambivalent: sense of accomplishment vs. missing hubby time.

A few years ago I was just an English major with a lot of debt and not many job prospects. I was hired to be an Administrative Assistant because I could fake a decent business letter. Now I'm pretty much a project manager learning as I go. What is it about life that makes everything turn-out so differently from what you plan or anticipate? Is it God keeping us on our toes and/or amused or are we just that bad at picking our own destinies?

Don't get me wrong: I'm actually happy. Very happy, in fact. Apart from time away from Lover Boy I feel as if I'm part of something important and when I am around Lover Boy he's still my Lover Boy and he spoils me rotten (and by "rotten" I mean, "exactly as I deserve&quot . I feel like I can do anything now and yet the world looks larger -- and somewhat scarier -- than ever before. It's all so awesome and awe-inspiring.

Life ...wow.

June 8, 2012

I changed my avatar -- again

The last time I changed my avatar I explained my decision here -- http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002149824

Looking back on that post I still agree with everything I wrote, including the touch of sadness I felt; but a week or so ago I saw a poster here who had the avatar I'm using now (Sorry, I forgot your name but thank you for the inspiration). As soon as I saw the pic I lit-up. Of course!

Here I was looking for an image to serve as an icon for how I felt. I wanted something that expressed affection, romance and a willingness to love openly. Is this avatar not all those things?

I spent a lot of time in my younger(er) days thinking sex was the expression of my self. Then I got married and I remain happily married today. We have the passion but more importantly: we have each other. What's the point of a great sex life if there isn't "that person" as a part of it? If there isn't "that person" all you have is you; the presence of another human being is pretty much ancillary and mechanical.

Look at the pic. Do you see how she smiles? She's stunningly beautiful, confident and happy. Even though it's cropped you can tell he has his arms around her but she's secure and he is as adoring as he is protecting. Look how he looks at her. That isn't just a man who loves his wife, he admires her. My husband said that once too. He texted me that he finally found the word to describe how he feels about me and that word was admiration. It brought me to tears and my boss said my husabnd was sweet and I was strange.

But could the President's affection be any more pronounced? He's not too hard on the eyes either, ifyouknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo.

Could you find a better picture of any couple anywhere? I love that pic on so many levels (I honestly don't know why I hadn't noticed it before) and the best part it has 2 people -- the real definition of love and romance -- not a pin-up girl ogled by anonymous stimulation-seekers or some sea-risen goddess too aloof to be approached. This picture is about humans, good, honest people with simple affection for each other.

So, that's my new avatar.

May 1, 2012

I'm not sure I have a lot of time for politics right now. Does that make me a bad person?

Not that anyone is accusing me of being a bad person.

I've popped-in from time to time over the last several weeks to catch-up on the news. Let's face facts: DU is a good aggregation site; but my life is kind of hectic right now.

I'm swamped and I'm pooped -- and I'm also very happy. I've had some real serious issues lately. My dad went in to the hospital for bypass surgery and may have to retire from his job as a General Contractor. My boss has been very cool about me taking time to visit him while he was in the hospital and I thank God my step mom is there for him. He's home now and grousing about having to switch to Lite Beer. Meanwhile, my husband's kid sister -- who is the sweetest thing ever -- is still hurting inside from her mom dying from cancer last summer. Lover Boy and I have been playing surrogate parents by bringing her out to our country home every other weekend or so while my FIL gets better situated.

Of course LB and I have our own house we're trying to make more of a home for ourselves (I planted lettuce and green beans last weekend! And I wore shorts!) and we're both just buried at work. Some time ago I cried on DU about how much I miss him when he works late or on the weekends. Now I'm the one putting in long hours. Being a responsible adult sucks, okay! I'm just going to put that out there right now. However, when we're together our every moment seems all the more special. Or as Lover Boy says, "abstinence makes the heart grow fonder."

Yet, amid all this craziness I'm happy. I've never felt closer to my husband, family and friends. Even my brother and I had a pleasant conversation for the first time in a long time. Never before have I felt so strongly that I have a -- purpose, if such a term can be forgiven. It's like I'm in charge of so much and I can finally contribute in meaningful ways to people I can touch and hold and hug. I still have my principles along with everything I hope and believe in but I'm not sure I want to give up what I have for a few bumper stickers and a sign in my yard.

I'm in love with my life but I honestly don't know if I have enough hours in the day to be a die-hard political activist/junkie. And truth be told I'm not looking forward to the upcoming campaign with all its attending acrimony. If pundits want to scream at each other they can do it without my watching or listening. I've got better things to do.

I'm guessing I'll still stop by on occasion to stay current. There are so many of you I miss connecting with; so many good people here. If I'm not around as much please know how much you guys still mean to me.


March 13, 2012

Video games as entertainment

Lover Boy likes video games, something he seems to have picked-up while in the Army. It's cute watching him play; part of his endearing, boyish charm. I don't know squat about video games and I don't play. However, a few weeks ago I picked-up a game called Mass Effect 2. I saw it at the store while grocery shopping; it was cheap and said, "What the heck."

Over the weekend Lover Boy installed it and I watched him play for about an hour or so before we went out to spend time with family. He thought I was just watching to waste time. Little did he suspect -- I was actually enjoying the game play.

Last night he got home before I did so he was playing just to amuse himself. When I got home I laid down on the couch behind him and watched him play while he did battle. Once he came to a stopping point he started to shut down so he could spend time with me. I told him to keep playing and brought dinner out to the living room.

He played and I watched for more than 3 hours.

As far as story telling goes its pretty darned interesting. In one of the sub-plots a member of the protagonist's crew helped engineer a genetic virus to inhibit the prolific breeding capability of a very powerful and very aggressive race. The obvious justification was that it would prevent needless wars but then they learned what lengths the afflicted race would endure to relieve the curse. Add to that the moral dimension of what was essentially soft-core genocide.

It was actually pretty powerful watching the doctor debating with himself and the protagonist the extent of his actions and his moral culpability. His ultimate sense of shame seemed palpable and was emotionally delivered (kudos to the voice actors, one of whom is lead writer/director/actor for Robot Chicken, Seth Green).

The game is also well-paced with humor and the requisite gunplay to keep the boys' attention. The various races are portrayed as unique and deeply rich in detail. They feel like they come with a sense of history and culture. Obviously there is the entire interactivity aspect: you get to decide if you want to be a Paragon or a Renegade. You decide the course of the action sequences.

I have to say I was as entertained as I have been watching a good movie, if not moreso because you aren't just a passive observer (Well, I was passive -- at least until I told Lover Boy he had to stop paying game-money to watch the blue-skinned space stripper).

For $20 we're getting more hours of entertainment than we would for seeing a movie or whatnot.

Any thoughts, comments or game suggestions? I'd appreciate them.

January 10, 2012

I changed my avatar today

Big whoop, right?

Not for me. My previous avatar was Betty Page. I always thought she had a special beauty to go with her obvious sexiness. She certainly wasn't one of the half-starved waifs we so often see in fashion magazines looking as if they're pitching for some disaster relief program in famaine-ravaged countries.

To me she represented a breaking free from an era that dictated women spend their days vacuuming in high heels and pearls. She was openly what women were never allowed to be publicly --


And believe it or not, sometimes what a woman wants for herself is some good sex. She did what she did because that is what she wanted to do on her terms. To me "my body, my choice" takes a variety of manifestations including the right to work in "adult entertainment" (which ironically turns many into tittering pre-adolescent males).

Nowadays, though, I think the world is different. Now women have gone from celebrating their sexuality to being marginalized by it. If they don't make with the goods than society has no use for them. The iconoclast that was Betty Page has become the status quo of your average MTV fare.

Yeah, sure, I get it: consenting adults, make your own viewing choices, turn off the damned TV if you don't like it, yatta, yatta, yatta.

I'm not casting stones here because I'm not perfect. I started early in high school and I had several boyfriends during college. When my husband and I first met we were both nursing recent break-ups and we were just in it for the sex. I'm not "sinless" and I don't pretend to be.

But a number of threads here on DU got me thinking recently. Some started to complain about the de-humanization of women and some to complain against the complainers. In one of the threads I was asked why I had Betty as my avatar. I gave my answer -- or at least I thought I did.

I think the thing I missed was not that Betty was smashing her barriers but that she was being objectified. Whatever it was she wanted was lost on her audience. Most never gave a damn about her, they just wanted booby pictures.

My hubby helped me realize this. I was trying to qualify what it was about him that made him so special from the other guys I had been with. Certainly his good qualities are legion -- I deserve nothing less! it -- but there was something "different" about how he is with me. I'll spare you the entire conversation we had this past weekend but what he told me still echoes in my heart.

"I don't just want to have sex; I want to have sex with *you*."

It's not like he couldn't score elsewhere if he wanted to. I don't think any other man I've ever been with ever felt that way about me. Maybe there was one and I missed him but looking back I can't help but feel that unless I was putting-out their interest in me would have been less than zero.

How does that liberate me? How does that reinforce my place in this world as a human being?

It doesn't.

So maybe Betty was making her own statement on her own terms but now it seems like it was just the sex as far as her audience was concerned. They never cared for her as a person or what I think she was trying to say in a larger sense. That hurts me. That hurts me a lot in my heart. I wanted her to be bigger than that.

So I changed my avatar, which is a shame because I wonder if maybe I wasn't one of the few who actually gave a damn about Betty as a person. I still believe in "my body, my choice" but I'm hoping to see a lot more people into making more self-affirming choices instead of mere crowd-pleasing choices.

If you made it this far, thank-you.

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