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EXCLUSIVE: Bain Capital to Acquire Restore Our Future

January 24th, 2012

According to papers filed late Monday with the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Federal Election Commission, Bain Capital, the Wall Street investment firm once headed by former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential runner-up leader Mitt Romney, has reached an agreement to purchase all outstanding shares of the embattled pro-Romney Super-PAC Restore Our Future, Inc.

When reached for comment, Bain spokesman Weir Dippschitz said no immediate changes among the top ROF executives are planned, however, “a major rebranding and other ‘fine tuning’ are already in the works.”

The first, and most noticeable change as far as the casual observer is concerned, will be a change to the Super-PAC’s name. As of February 1 — one day after the pivotal Florida primary — ‘Restore Our Future’ will be known as ‘Restore Our Past’.

“The deal was actually contingent upon that being the first change,” Dippschitz told reporters. “To be brutally honest, not only is ‘Restore Our Future’ a really stupid name — I mean, how can you restore something that doesn’t exist yet? — But also, at the rate they were going, they really had very little hope of having a future. The past, on the other hand, is something that can be restored, and we at Bain Capital share the original founders’ belief that if elected President, Mitt Romney is just the man to restore not only the country’s past, but to lead us back to a pre-Teddy Roosevelt past — a period in our history when the absence of oppressive taxes and government regulation led to unprecedented growth in the private sector and a job market and labor environment rivaling that of China today.”

Also, as is typical in takeovers of this sort, substantial layoffs are expected. Dippschitz has called a press conference for Wednesday morning where it is expected Bain will announce the elimination of the Restore Our Past unit that produces television and print ads and will instead outsource those duties to the 1-Apple News Service of Taiwan seeking better quality at a lower cost. 1-Apple News Service is best known to Americans as the producers of the famous Tiger Woods animated video that documented the events leading up to his November 2009 automobile accident.

But perhaps the biggest change planned — one which Dippschitz claims could revolutionize the Super-PAC industry — will be a new system under which Restore Our Past, instead of soliciting contributions per se, will issue common stock to what are described as ‘investors in the cause’.

“While current management has been very proficient at taking advantage of election laws, they have been severely lacking when it comes to taking advantage of tax law,” according to Dippschitz. “Currently, ‘contributions’ to political campaigns and organizations are not tax-deductible. However, for example, a $10 million ‘investment’ in a corporation that figures to bankrupt itself sometime around the November elections could net the investor as much as a $3.5 million reduction in tax liability since short-term capital gains are taxed as normal income, and of course, short-term losses can be used to offset short-term gains.”

It is believed that Bain will also leverage what is believed will be substantial interest in a public stock offering in order to secure hundreds of millions of dollars in loans for Restore Our Past.

Dippschitz commented, “To put it in layman’s terms, it is precisely because a turkey can’t fly that its bones can be picked clean of succulent meat and its insides scraped for every tasty morsel of stuffing — and we at Bain believe our investors will realize as we do that Restore Our Future may be the biggest, tastiest turkey ever to appear on the American political landscape.”

January 24th, 2012 | Tags: Bain Capital, Colbert Super PAC, Election 2012, G.O.P., Mitt Romney, Restore Our Future, Super PAC | Category: Politics, Satire
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Wed Jan 25, 2012, 10:26 PM (6 replies)
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