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Romney Calls for Deportation of Gays, Women Who Use Contraception

SATIRE from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2012/02/romney-calls-for-deportation-of-gays-women-who-use-contraception/

Follow on Twitter: @DesperatBlogger

In a move described by Republican strategists as "going all in" in his effort to grab the conservative mantle from his opponents, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney today took a hard-line position in the so-called "culture wars" by declaring that, as President, he would seek the deportation of openly gay individuals and women suspected of using contraception.

Facing possible defeat in his childhood home state of Michigan, Romney also used the occasion of this announcement to take a swipe at the fiscal history and credentials of his chief rival, Catholic conservative Rick Santorum. Santorum's gain in momentum in recent weeks has, in the view of most experts, made him a serious threat to come from behind and barrel right through the current front-runner.

"While Senator Santorum's views on gay rights and contraception are well documented, so too is his record when it comes to fiscal responsibility and pork-barrel spending in the form of earmarks," Romney told an enthusiastic gathering of supporters at a family get-together. "Under my plan, there would be little or no cost to the American taxpayers. On the other hand, I'll bet anyone here $10,000 that Mr. Santorum would propose incarcerating these offenders in brand-new maximum-security penitentiaries costing billions of dollars to build -- let alone the cost of staffing and maintaining them as well as paying to feed, clothe, and otherwise care for the inmates. On top of that I'll bet you another $10,000 that he would propose these penitentiaries be constructed in his home state of Pennsylvania. The country should expect nothing less from a Washington insider."

When asked to which country or countries he planned to deport offenders under the plan, Gov. Romney responded, "That will have to be determined at a later date -- but I can tell you that I would not favor deportation to Mexico since we still have a lot of family there."

While the White House had no immediate response to this potentially game changing policy shift by the candidate still considered to be President Obama's most likely opponent in the general election, senior staff member Newton Toomey, who spoke on condition of anonymity, commented, "Under Gov. Romney's new plan, I would envision the country emptying out pretty quickly. It would seem inevitable that once all the women who use contraception were deported, it would only be a matter of time before the vast majority of remaining citizens would find they had limited options other than turning to homosexuality."

In other news, shares in Scallion Enterprises, the holding company that owns journalistic stalwart "The Onion" tumbled 42% in early morning trading after reporting an unexpected loss for the quarter ended December 31, 2011. According to Lehman Brothers industry analyst Grant Cartman, "The drop-off in expected revenue can be attributed to elevated expectations due to the Presidential election cycle which were dashed by a GOP Presidential field comprised of candidates so ridiculous as to render satire impossible, or at best, moot."

Tags: contraception culture wars, elction, G.O.P., Gay Rights, Michigan Primary, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum | Category: Political Humor, Politics, Satire
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Tue Feb 28, 2012, 10:39 PM (6 replies)

Syria’s Assad to Step Down, Launch Belated GOP Bid

SATIRE from http://www.thedesperateblogger.com/

In a stunning move that rocked the political world from Nome to Homs, Bashar al-Assad announced earlier today that he will be stepping down as President of Syria and will immediately focus his full attention on his pursuit of the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States. According to aides, he has also already resigned from the Baath party and will register as a Republican as early as Monday, presumably in La Jolla California where he owns a residence which is currently undergoing an expansion.

Due to a diplomatic technicality, Assad, whose mother unexpectedly went into labor and gave birth to him during a function at the U.S. Embassy in Damascus, is eligible to hold the office of United States President since the embassy grounds are recognized as American soil and he is therefore a ‘natural born’ U.S. citizen. Also, according to Hafez al-Fi-Slammaj Amma, a member of his personal staff who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the topic, “According to longtime members of the presidential security detail, President Assad coincidentally was also conceived at a U.S. Embassy function – so any obstructionist who might invoke the ‘where his life began’ argument would be barking up the wrong bush, as I believe the expression goes.”

And even before the first reports of a possible cessation of the artillery fire striking the city of Homs came in, Assad was already busy lobbing mortars at the four current GOP contenders.

Referring to his new rivals as “the Marx Brothers” and commenting that “not one of them has the remotest clue of what it takes to be a strong chief executive,” Assad told reporters that he is looking forward to his first contested campaign and expressed his belief that, “America is ready for an openly Muslim president.”

When asked for clarification of his ‘Marx Brothers’ reference, the Middle Eastern strongman who most observers believe will leap to GOP front-runner status as soon as the first polls including his name are released, explained, “Well, I think of Gingrich as Groucho just because the name seems to fit. Romney, of course, is Chico, as he is the son of a Mexican immigrant. Santorum I like to think of as Harpo because I believe he is a good and sincere man whose career would benefit greatly if he could only learn to maintain silence when the cameras are on. And Ron Paul, naturally, is Zeppo, because after following American news coverage of the campaign, it is only when I see Dr. Paul on stage with the others at the debates that I am reminded there is indeed a fourth candidate.”

According to most experts, although it is too late for Mr. Assad to get on the ballot in enough primaries and caucuses to secure the nomination before the convention this summer, there is a strong possibility that he could garner enough delegates to ensure that the convention is a contested one, and as one insider put it, “When Assad’s people and his opponents people get together in a back room somewhere, generally it is Assad’s people who leave standing.”

Assad is expected to have wide appeal among Republican primary voters because of, among other things, his commitment to a strong military and his fervent belief that life begins at conception and ends when one turns against their country. In addition, many in the party’s base are hopeful that as President, he would handle the so-called ‘Occupy Movement’ in much the same way he dealt with protesters in Syria, particularly those who occupied the city of Homs.

Shortly after Mr. Assad’s plans were announced, a spokesman for David and Charles Koch — the conservative billionaires who have already pledged $100 million to the Republican Party to help defeat President Obama — told reporters that the brothers were, “most intrigued at the prospect of an Assad candidacy.” The spokesman then added, “We believe that as running mates, President Assad would create what I would describe as an intriguing, ‘frothy’ sort of mix with someone like a Rick Santorum, for example.”

February 24th, 2012 | Tags: Bashar al-Assad, Campaign 2012, Election 2012, G.O.P., Homs, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican Party, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Syria | Category: Middle East, Politics, Satire, World News
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Fri Feb 24, 2012, 10:07 PM (5 replies)

GOP Hopefuls Release Partial Campaign Playlists

February 11th, 2012 http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com

Scrambling to avoid being outflanked by the Obama campaign — which on Friday released a list of 29 songs to be played at the incumbent President’s campaign events — all four GOP presidential campaigns today released partial playlists along with promises to make their full soundtracks public by the end of the week.

The reasons for not having full playlists available immediately varied by campaign:

A spokesman for Ron Paul’s campaign said, “Musical preferences are deeply personal matter, and Dr. Paul feels very strongly that no individual should ever be forced to share his music with others. However, we also realize that when one aspires to the nation’s highest office it’s only natural that the people want to know what their President is listening to.”

The Santorum campaign, along with its partial list, issued a statement which read in part, “From his earliest memories as a child attending church, Sen. Santorum has felt a very deep and personal connection with certain songs that will always touch his heart. Which of those he chooses to share with his supporters on the campaign trail is a very important decision, and therefore only after careful contemplation and prayer for guidance from the Almighty will he compile and make public his final playlist.”

Callista Gingrich — hinting at a possible expanded role in her husband’s campaign following her earlier appearance at this week’s CPAC convention — took center stage on the music issue telling reporters, “Naming handful of songs off the top of our heads was easy enough, but to compile a full list requires careful deliberation. As soon as we are able to locate a working 8-track player and go through Newt’s extensive collection, we’ll make our final determinations.”

Newton Toomey, professor of political science at Pueblo State University and author of the book ‘Striking the Wrong Chord: The Impact of Campaign Music on a Disinterested Electorate’ who was recently retained by the Romney campaign as a music consultant told Fox News in an exclusive interview, “Gov. Romney has always had strong feelings and opinions when it comes to music. He does, however, understand that there are many subtle nuances to this issue and has chosen, at this time, to keep his options open. We expect, later this week, to release a full playlist that has been carefully considered and has his full support, but which he retains the right to alter as changing circumstances may require.”

The following are the partial playlists released by the four campaigns:

Ron Paul campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, Ring of Fire -Johnny Cash, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down -The Band, The City of New Orleans -Arlo Guthrie, Won’t Back Down -Tom Petty, We’re Not Gonna Take It -Twisted Sister;

Newt Gingrich campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, California Girls -The Beach Boys, I’m No Angel -Gregg Allman, The Wanderer -Dion, Me and Mrs. Jones -Billy Paul, Tempted -Squeeze;

Rick Santorum campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, You Light up My Life -Debbie Boone, The Lord’s Prayer -Sister Janet Mead, Over the Rainbow -Judy Garland, Born This Way -Lady Gaga, It’s Raining Men -The Weather Girls;

Mitt Romney campaign — Proud to Be an American -Lee Greenwood, The Ballad of the Green Berets –SSgt. Barry Sadler, The Way We Were -Barbra Streisand, Ain’t That a Kick in the Head -Dean Martin, Blue Suede Shoes -Pat Boone, Danke Schoen -Wayne Newton, Tiny Bubbles -Don Ho.

February 11th, 2012 | Tags: Campaign 2012, G.O.P., Mitt Romney, music, Newt Gingrich, playlist, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul | Category: Politics, Satire
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Sat Feb 11, 2012, 03:30 PM (15 replies)

EXCLUSIVE: Bain Capital to Acquire Restore Our Future

January 24th, 2012

According to papers filed late Monday with the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Federal Election Commission, Bain Capital, the Wall Street investment firm once headed by former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential runner-up leader Mitt Romney, has reached an agreement to purchase all outstanding shares of the embattled pro-Romney Super-PAC Restore Our Future, Inc.

When reached for comment, Bain spokesman Weir Dippschitz said no immediate changes among the top ROF executives are planned, however, “a major rebranding and other ‘fine tuning’ are already in the works.”

The first, and most noticeable change as far as the casual observer is concerned, will be a change to the Super-PAC’s name. As of February 1 — one day after the pivotal Florida primary — ‘Restore Our Future’ will be known as ‘Restore Our Past’.

“The deal was actually contingent upon that being the first change,” Dippschitz told reporters. “To be brutally honest, not only is ‘Restore Our Future’ a really stupid name — I mean, how can you restore something that doesn’t exist yet? — But also, at the rate they were going, they really had very little hope of having a future. The past, on the other hand, is something that can be restored, and we at Bain Capital share the original founders’ belief that if elected President, Mitt Romney is just the man to restore not only the country’s past, but to lead us back to a pre-Teddy Roosevelt past — a period in our history when the absence of oppressive taxes and government regulation led to unprecedented growth in the private sector and a job market and labor environment rivaling that of China today.”

Also, as is typical in takeovers of this sort, substantial layoffs are expected. Dippschitz has called a press conference for Wednesday morning where it is expected Bain will announce the elimination of the Restore Our Past unit that produces television and print ads and will instead outsource those duties to the 1-Apple News Service of Taiwan seeking better quality at a lower cost. 1-Apple News Service is best known to Americans as the producers of the famous Tiger Woods animated video that documented the events leading up to his November 2009 automobile accident.

But perhaps the biggest change planned — one which Dippschitz claims could revolutionize the Super-PAC industry — will be a new system under which Restore Our Past, instead of soliciting contributions per se, will issue common stock to what are described as ‘investors in the cause’.

“While current management has been very proficient at taking advantage of election laws, they have been severely lacking when it comes to taking advantage of tax law,” according to Dippschitz. “Currently, ‘contributions’ to political campaigns and organizations are not tax-deductible. However, for example, a $10 million ‘investment’ in a corporation that figures to bankrupt itself sometime around the November elections could net the investor as much as a $3.5 million reduction in tax liability since short-term capital gains are taxed as normal income, and of course, short-term losses can be used to offset short-term gains.”

It is believed that Bain will also leverage what is believed will be substantial interest in a public stock offering in order to secure hundreds of millions of dollars in loans for Restore Our Past.

Dippschitz commented, “To put it in layman’s terms, it is precisely because a turkey can’t fly that its bones can be picked clean of succulent meat and its insides scraped for every tasty morsel of stuffing — and we at Bain believe our investors will realize as we do that Restore Our Future may be the biggest, tastiest turkey ever to appear on the American political landscape.”

January 24th, 2012 | Tags: Bain Capital, Colbert Super PAC, Election 2012, G.O.P., Mitt Romney, Restore Our Future, Super PAC | Category: Politics, Satire
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Wed Jan 25, 2012, 10:26 PM (6 replies)

New Facebook Page: Write-in Your Vote for 'Cheetah' in GOP Primaries

Pay tribute to Cheetah, who passed away on Dec. 24, 2011 without ever receiving his well-deserved Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and let the GOP know our country deserves a candidate who would make a better President than a dead chimpanzee...

More faithful than Gingrich,
More human than Romney,
More open-minded than Paul,
A better debater than Perry,
Saner than Bachmann,
More electable than Santorum,
Better known than Huntsman...

If you agree with the millions of Americans who believe that that nobody on the Republican Presidential Primary Ballot is a better candidate, then Write-in Your Vote for Cheetah -- The Better Primate...

Go to Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Write-in-Your-Vote-for-Cheetah-in-GOP-Primaries/254195941312924
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Wed Dec 28, 2011, 08:50 AM (6 replies)

BREAKING: Boehner, Cantor in Standoff with Capitol Police

SATIRE from http://www.TheDesperateBlogger.com

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Capitol police have called for a hostage negotiator to respond to an ongoing situation in the Capitol building in which House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor have barricaded themselves in a conference room, demanding that they be joined there by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell along with President Obama and the Obama family dog Bo. Authorities have confirmed that the eight Republican House members appointed by the ‘Cincinnati Cinnamon Stick’ to the conference committee which he was expecting to negotiate the pending tax holiday legislation with Senate Democrats are with the Speaker and Majority Leader, but it is not certain if they are there voluntarily or have been taken hostage like the rest of the country.

The standoff began early this afternoon when Boehner returned to the Capitol shortly after extricating himself from the bus Sen. McConnell had just thrown him under. First he summoned Cantor and the others into the conference room, and shortly after all were assembled he and Cantor began contacting various press outlets and communicating their demands.

Newton Toomey, a Capitol police official familiar with the situation who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that as a precaution, authorities are acting based on the assumption that the top two ranking House Republicans are armed. Toomey also indicated there is a suspicion among many at the scene that ‘The Bronze Clod’ may be suffering from a condition he described as “tanning booth stroke” which might be impairing his judgment. “With him you can’t always tell,” he noted.

A spokesman for the families of the eight committee members told reporters that their loved ones remain confident they are safe and will remain so. “All of them have earnings putting them in the top 1-2% of Americans. The families are supremely confident that neither Mr. Boehner nor Mr. Cantor would ever do anything to harm anyone in their tax bracket, and they expect a peaceful resolution to the current situation as well as having much more time to spend with the current Representatives after the 2012 elections.”

December 22nd, 2011 | Tags: Eric Cantor, House Republicans, John Boehner, Payroll Tax Holiday | Category: Economy, Politics, Satire
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Thu Dec 22, 2011, 05:36 PM (11 replies)

Gingrich Introduces Jury Reform Plan

SATIRE from http://TheDesperateBlogger.com

GOP presidential front-runner Newt Gingrich today unveiled his plan to reform the nation’s juries, the second — and what he describes as “most crucial” — step to rein in what he views as our most troublesome branch of government.

The former House Speaker, acknowledging that bullying and browbeating so-called ‘activist judges’, “can only accomplish so much,” called for jurors — whose pay is taxpayer financed — “to be held to the highest possible standard or face severe consequences.”

When asked to elaborate, the erstwhile ethically challenged former GOP leader explained, “The judicial system is our only branch of government yet to be privatized — it remains fully funded by the public. While the Executive and Legislative branches both answer to private interests as well as, to some degree, the public at large, activist and renegade judges and juries are free to run wild secure in the knowledge that the average voter is too busy to monitor their activities. Unless and until private money finds its way into this third branch of government, the other two branches, I feel, can only be derelict in their duty to uphold the public trust unless they have the authority to more closely scrutinize and influence an otherwise independent judiciary and judicial system.”

Gingrich’s plan –which was immediately endorsed by both the American Medical Association and the insurance industry — calls for Congress to be given the authority to subpoena for testimony jurors who reach controversial or subversive verdicts. In criminal cases, jurors who vote to acquit ‘obviously guilty’ defendants may be forced to serve whatever sentence ‘a reasonable judge’ would have given the defendant. In addition, in cases involving national security, the President would have the authority to declare any juror voting to acquit a suspected terrorist an ‘enemy combatant’ and order their indefinite detention without trial or even charges being brought.

Additionally, any civil jury granting a medical malpractice award in excess of $250,000 would collectively be responsible for payment to the plaintiff of 10% of the excess award.

When asked by one reporter how he would respond to criticism that his plan might be perceived as putting undue pressure on jurors to be less partial than they might otherwise be out of fear that outsiders whose only knowledge of the facts involved in the case would be derived from media coverage, the pandering recovering philanderer responded, “Unlike the media, and for that matter the Democrat party, I know the American people. The American people are a good and proud people — proud of our country, proud of our democracy. Most Americans realize how lucky they are to live in a land where they have been taught since they were young impressionable children that is a privilege to serve on a jury — to have their lives disrupted in order to sit in judgment of a neighbor for 40 bucks a day — and they take that responsibility seriously. What I’m proposing would apply only to those traitorous, unpatriotic few who view our hallowed court rooms as a place to impose their own agenda on an unsuspecting populace.”

In related news, the Gingrich campaign today announced that it had scrapped plans to fly blimps bearing the likeness of the former Speaker over states holding primary elections and caucuses. According to a campaign staffer familiar with the situation, they were unable to find any available airships large enough to display Mr. Gingrich’s head.

December 19th, 2011 | Tags: Election 2012, G.O.P., judges, Newt Gingrich, Republican primary | Category: Political Humor, Politics, Satire
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Mon Dec 19, 2011, 09:51 PM (6 replies)
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