December 18, 2018

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Smocking Gun Edition

(No. 36 in an occasional series)

Since it's December, let's check in on the War on Christmas...



Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican During the Holiday Season Today:

* "Happy Holidays" is a vile, offensive slur.

* A Turkish saint and a Jewish carpenter from Palestine were both white.

* "A Christmas Carol" is a horror story, the tale of a practical, thrifty Job Creator who was turned into a communist after being stalked and brainwashed by some ghosts.

And from the Jimmy Kimmel show:
* The true hero of "It's a Wonderful Life" is Mister Potter, the visionary Job Creator, and the villain is that communist George Bailey.

(All from #21, December 2015)

Updates:

At this rate, this one will be on every list now.

* Degenerate Perverts Unfit For Office: John Conyers, John Edwards, Al Franken, Elliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener; Great Americans Who Deserve A "Mulligan" or Two Or Three: Joe Barton, Larry Craig, Joe Fain, Will Gardner, Newt Gingrich, Eric Greitens, Curtis Hill (New), Jim Jordan, Brett Kavanaugh, Nathan Larson, Rush Limbaugh, Vance McAllister, Roy Moore, Bill O'Reilly, Mark Sanford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, and David Vitter (#32, Feb. 2018)

* You spend the entire campaign blasting Hillary Clinton for using a private email server while conducting government business. The daughter Donald Trump has a creepy sexual interest in uses a private email to conduct government business and you don't see anything wrong with it. (#28, April 2017)

* "There is a mandate" = Republicans won the last election. "Be bipartisan and don't overreach" = Democrats won the last election. (#18, April 2015)

And the drama with Pelosi handing Dump his lunch on December 11 leading to a lot of Republican whining about "bipartisanship" when...

* If the Republican-majority House and the Republican-majority Senate cannot pass a bill to be signed by the Republican President in time, the shutdown of the government will be the Democrats' fault. (#31, Jan 2018)

Because, of course, as I stated all the way back in the first list:
* Bipartisanship means Republicans and Democrats coming together to do exactly what Republicans want. (#1, Nov 2010)

All-New More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You support ending birthright citizenship even though your parents weren't US citizens when you were born, which means you wouldn't be either.

* You push voter suppression laws so draconian that you yourself have trouble voting (lol)

* "Toxic Language" = Reminding people that a number of Trump Administration officials have been indicted

* The Democratic takeover of the House of Representatives is a big victory for Donald Trump!

* But if it wasn't a great victory, it was all John McCain's fault

* Counting every vote in an election is "unethical"

* Breakfast cereal is a controlled substance

* You totally believe that a man who is afraid to go out into the rain would charge a school shooter.

* "Supporting the Troops": Insulting Gold Star families and POWs, then skipping the Veteran's Day memorials.

While we're mentioning double standards about Hillary Clinton and Ivanka Trump, a far pettier one:

* You were mad about Hillary Rodham Clinton using her maiden name, but not Ivanka Trump Kushner.

* Vocal supporter of public hanging = "outstanding person"

* The thought of LGBTQ children becoming farmers or ranchers terrifes you.

* You like tear gas with your nachos.

* You complain about the "Senate in crisis" when you're one of the ones who put it there.

* Spending $25 million on a probe into election meddling by a foreign power is too expensive. Spending $83 million to send a billionaire on golf trips is not.