WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)Justice Antonin Scalia disrupted the normally tranquil atmosphere of the Supreme Court today, bursting from his office to shout, Im never going to another damn N.B.A. game as long as I live!
While it was unclear what, exactly, had provoked Justice Scalias outburst, one of his clerks said that he saw something on ESPN that really upset him.
After emerging from their offices to see the source of the commotion, the other Justices found a visibly agitated Justice Scalia, his face beet-red and his entire body shaking with rage.
Ive gone to basketball games my entire life, he bellowed. I always thought that was a safe place. Well, I guess I was wrong. I guess Ive been wrong about a lot of things, havent I? Havent I?
As Justice Clarence Thomas wordlessly moved to comfort him, Justice Scalia rebuffed his fellow-juror.
Get away from me, Clarence! he screamed. I cant trust anyone anymore.
Posted by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)A growing chorus of Republican lawmakers are demanding that President Obama take some action in Syria so that they can attack whatever action he took in Syria.
Appearing on CBSs Face the Nation on Sunday, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) laid out the situation in stark terms: The time for President Obama to do something in Syria that we can eviscerate him for is long overdue.
Arguing that there are a variety of options available to Mr. Obama for dealing with Syria, Sen. Graham said, The President needs to choose one of those options so that we can immediately identify it as a catastrophic choice and demand that he be impeached.
Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) used an appearance on NBCs Meet the Press to express impatience with Mr. Obamas steadfast refusal to give us something new to rake him over the coals for.
The American people have grown weary of my nonstop criticism of the Presidents handling of Libya, he said. They are ready to hear me incessantly berate him for his handling of a different country.
At the end of his television appearance, Sen. McCain seemed to draw a line in the sand, making a direct challenge to Mr. Obama: Mr. President, we are sick and tired of attacking you for your inaction. The time has come for us to attack you for your action.
Could be ordinary folks in the next booth. The happy moment is contagious. I'm smiling.
(©Scout Tufankjian, USA, Finalist, Campaign, Professional Competition 2013 World Photography Awards)
This will delight every single one who sees it. I guarantee it. There is also a short interview with the photographer.
Enjoy his creations, and his adorable daughters.
Hahn slaying suspect reportedly made false cancer claim
Published: April 25, 2013 Updated 5 minutes ago
Democratic party strategists Nation Richard Hahn and his wife Jameson Kirk Hahn were stabbed in their North Raleigh home at 1705 Tealwood Place on Monday evening. Jonathan Wayne Broyhill has been charged with attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury.
By Josh Shaffer, Anne Blythe and Thomasi McDonald [email protected]
RALEIGH The man accused of fatally stabbing political strategist Jamie Hahn told both her and her husband that he was suffering from pancreatic cancer, a story that turned out to be untrue.
A week ago Wednesday, at the Hahns request, the Rev. Nancy Petty asked a Wednesday night dinner group at Pullen Memorial Baptist Church to pray for Jonathan Broyhill, according to a member of the congregation.
Last night, Petty told the group gathered for dinner that the cancer story wasnt true, said the member who was there.
Broyhill, 31, a longtime friend of husband Nation Hahn and best man at the couples 2009 wedding, remains at WakeMed with self-inflicted injuries. He has been charged with attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury. Raleigh police said Wednesday they expect to upgrade Broyhills charges to murder.
Jamie Hahn was stabbed numerous times in the abdomen Monday evening. Friends reported that her husband was upstairs, changing into gym clothes, when he heard his wife scream. He ran down to find her being attacked and received cuts on both hands as he tried to stop the violence.
As the Triangle mourns Hahn, a rising star in Democratic party circles, attentions turn to the relationship between the three. Nation Hahn and Broyhill both hail from Lenoir in Caldwell County. They often watched college basketball together, and Jamie Hahns Facebook wall shows a photo of the three sipping drinks at a pool with palm trees in the background.
Several of their friends said Broyhill had recently told friends he was diagnosed with cancer .
They said Broyhill told the Hahns he had an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday and asked them to come with him. He had planned to spend the night with the Hahns, his friends said, but neither the cancer nor the appointment existed.
Questions have also risen over questionable campaign finance reports Broyhill made while working for Hahns firm, Sky Blue Strategies.
Former Democratic U.S. Rep. Brad Miller, who decided not to seek re-election in 2012, said he hired Sky Blue for fundraising help around 2010. Broyhill was the main person with access to fundraising software, Miller said.
In October, the Federal Elections Commission sent Miller campaign treasurer John Wallace a letter requesting more information about documents that appeared to show donors receiving refunds from the campaign in excess of what they paid.
Read more here: http://www.newsobserver.com/2013/04/25/2849501/hahn-slaying-suspect-reportedly.html#emlnl=Breaking_News#storylink=cpy
Jamie Kirk Hahn, 29, died early Wednesday from injuries inflicted Monday evening in an attack in which she and her husband were stabbed at their North Raleigh home.
Jamie lost her struggle to live this morning. We lost a beautiful and loving wife, daughter and friend. We all lost a pure and brave spirit, her family said in a statement issued early Wednesday morning.
Nation Hahn, 27, has been released from WakeMed Hospital after treatment for his injuries.
Jonathan Broyhill, 31, a friend of the couple and best man at their wedding, has been arrested in the attack and had been charged with attempted murder.
Raleigh police spokesman Jim Sughrue said the department would seek to have that charge withdrawn and will present probable cause for an arrest warrant charging him with murder.
Read more here: http://www.newsobserver.com/2013/04/24/2846591/woman-stabbed-in-north-raleigh.html#emlnl=Breaking_News#storylink=cpy
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)In a sweeping format change that marks the end of an era for the nations first cable news outlet, CNN announced today that it would no longer air breaking news and would instead re-run news stories of the past that we know we got right.
The rebranded network, to début nationwide on Monday, will be called CNN Classic.
Breaking news is hard, said the newly installed CNN chief, Jeff Zucker. You have to talk to sources, make sure their stories check out O.K., and then get on the air and not say anything stupid. I, for one, am thrilled to be getting out of that horrible business.
CNN Classic will begin its broadcast day on Monday, Mr. Zucker said, with round-the-clock coverage of Operation Desert Storm.
Mr. Zucker did not indicate what impact the new format would have on such CNN stars as Wolf Blitzer, saying only, I cant promise that Wolf will be a part of CNNs future, but he will continue to be a big part of our past.
The CNN chief scoffed at reports that other cable news outlets had eclipsed his network once and for all, throwing down this gauntlet: We are going to win May sweeps with Hurricane Katrina.
Hide and be careful in the week of Hitler's birthday: April 20th. It's what I told my kid for years.
2013 It has been a horrible week already. Let's hope and beg the terror is finished.
2010 United States Deepwater Horizon explodes 20th April
2007 U.S.A. Virginia Tech shooting 16th April
1999 U.S.A. Columbine High School Shooting 20th April
1995 U.S.A. Oklahoma Bombing 1995 April 19th
1993 U.S.A. Waco Cult Assault April 19th
1983 Lebanon Terrorist Attack US Embassy 18th April
this is not man-made but also on that date
1906 U.S.A. Earthquake San Francisco 18th April
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