to the orchestra
Kim Jong-uns Wedding Vows
Posted by Andy Borowitz
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)The press department of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has released the official transcript of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-uns wedding vows to his new bride, Comrade Ri Sol-ju:
My Bride, on this our Wedding Day, I wrote this poem for you:
With arms wide open Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
Ill show you everything
With arms wide open
Ill show you love and laughter and Disney characters
Snow White, Cinderella, Buzz Lightyear, and Nemo the fish From every Disney movie ever made except Mars Needs Moms Which really blew And if Disney claims intellectual property
I will destroy Disney Studios in a merciless fireball
They stole all their characters from North Korea anyway Grumpy the Dwarf was totally based on Dad
I wish Dad was here
He loved looking at things
Hed look at us right now and say, Those are two things right there
And then go look at something else
Ill never forget the day I proposed to you
And you told me, You had me at food.
And so, my bride, I promise: My love will last longer and go farther
Than North Koreas mightiest missile
Way longer and way farther
And I will make you grateful every day
That unlike Katie Holmes, you married someone normal
Why Obama Shouldnt Write James Holmes Out of History
Posted by John Cassidy
Among the snippets of depressing news from Aurora, Colorado: President Obama, during his visit on Sunday, reportedly agreed to a request from some of the victims families not to mention the name of the alleged shooter, James Holmes, who appeared in court earlier today, his shaggy hair dyed orange.
On a personal level, the attempt to deny Holmes more publicity was perfectly understandable. Who can imagine what suffering and anguish the victims families are going through, or the hatred and anger they must feel toward Holmes? Having mercilessly snuffed out twelve lives, as he is alleged to have done, why shouldnt he be declared a non-person? Actually, I can think of at least two good reasons.
First, wishing Holmes away wont do any good. It might well do harm. Arguably, the problem with deranged mass killers isnt that they get too much publicity; its that they get too little. Generally, after a few weeks or months, many people forget their names; after a few years, almost everybody has forgotten them. Both they and their victims fade into obscurity and the gun violence continues.
If you think Ive got this wrong, try taking this little test. Here is a list of places and dates associated with mass shootings. Can you name the shooters associated with them? Austin, Texas, 1966; Fullerton, California, 1976; San Ysidro, California, 1984; Edmond, Oklahoma, 1986; Killeen, Texas, 1991; Jonesboro, Arkansas, 1998; Littleton, Colorado, 1999; Brookfield, Wisconsin, 2005; Blacksburg, Virginia, 2007; Binghamton, New York, 2009; Tucson, Arizona, 2011.
How did you do?
Is America crazy? 10 Reasons it might be by John Cassidy / New Yorker
Every country has, along with its core civilities and traditions, some kind of inner madness, a belief so irrational that even death and destruction cannot alter it.
That was my colleague Adam Gopnik commenting the other day on Americas attitude toward gun laws. Having read some of the comments on my own post about President Obamas failure to pursue more restrictions on the sale of firearms, I can only agree with Adam. When Bill Moyers, Keith Olbermann, Mayor Bloomberg, and Rupert Murdoch are all in favor of somethingin this case, tougher gun lawsand theres still no chance of it being enacted, you can rest assured that forces other than reason and partisan politics are involved.
My only quibble with Adam is his use of the singular form: a belief. Are firearms the only subject on which Americans are, let us say, a little batty? Im not so sure. Having lived here for almost thirty years, and having been a U.S. citizen for the past five, I am greatly attached to this country and admire many aspects of it enormously. But the dogged persistence of certain American shibboleths has always struck me as somewhat curious.
What are these shared convictions? I could go on all day, but here, for arguments sake, are ten. Not all Americans subscribe to them, of course. In some instances, the true believers may amount to a small but vocal minority. Still, the popular sentiment underlying these statements is so strong that politicians defy it at their peril.
For the lineup of the reasons click on:
Singing really well, too.
I knew he played an instrument, but who knew the whole picture?
After a hug and getting used to the surprise I read his very funny sign
After that I saw hands
and finally little hands and some feet
It's a wonderful Life
Back to the Future
clever commentary/great photos at link
My Republican acquaintances don't like her.
In other words, I don't think Rasmussen is polling in America.
I think it would be a monumental mistake for Rmoney, and a happy day for us when/if he picks her.
Rice is Still No. 1 on Short List of Romney Veep Possibilities
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Condi Rice remains the most popular among those Mitt Romney is reportedly considering as a vice presidential running mate.
A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey finds that 65% of Likely U.S. Voters share at least a somewhat favorable view of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, while just 24% view her unfavorably. This includes 29% with a Very Favorable opinion of her and six percent (6%) with a Very Unfavorable one. Twelve percent (12%) are undecided.
July 12, 2012
A Note from Mitt Romneys Doctor
About His Memory Loss
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney today released this doctors note from his longtime physician, Dr. Hamilton Tennace.
To Whom It May Concern:
I have been Willard Mitt Romneys personal physician for the past thirty-two years. In that capacity, I believe I am uniquely qualified to address the issue of whether Mr. Romney left his post at Bain Capital in 1999, as he has said he did, or in 2002, as actual facts seem to suggest.
I treated Mr. Romney throughout his tenure at Bain. During those years, I found him to be healthy, fit, and tan, but not dangerously so. From a health standpoint, those years were uneventful for Mr. Romney, with one notable exception.
In 1999 I received an urgent call from Bain headquarters indicating that Mr. Romney had suffered a serious accident. Once I arrived on the scene, I learned that Mr. Romney had participated in a going away party to celebrate the end of his tenure at Bain and that he had been hit in the forehead with an exploding champagne cork. After he spent several days in the hospital for observation, it became clear to me that Mr. Romney was suffering from symptoms consistent with head trauma, including severe memory loss. For example, he could not remember several key episodes from his youth, including the time he pinned a gay student to the ground and cut off his hair.
After I advised his partners at Bain that Mr. Romneys recovery from this head trauma could be difficult and prolonged, they decided to keep him on as chief executive at Bain so that he could benefit from the companys health coverage. It was decided that he would take a leave of absence from his duties at Bain to do something less demanding, and so he signed on to run the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics.
When his duties at the Olympics were complete, Mr. Romney submitted to a full physical at the request of his partners to Bain to see if he was finally ready to make his much-delayed exit from the firm. He passed most of the cognitive tests with flying colors; he could remember the name of his wife and all of his sons, which in his case was an impressive feat. Only one question made him stumble. When I asked him what year it was, instead of 2002 he replied, 1999.
To be candid, I did not think much of his error at the time, although I now see it as a symptom of the chronic memory loss that persisted once he became Governor of Massachusetts. For example, after examining Gov. Romney just after his greatest legislative achievement, Massachusetts healthcare law, he had no memory of having any role in it. In subsequent appointments, Mr. Romney has been unable to remember other facts one might deem important, such as where he put all his money and what file drawer contains his tax returns.
In closing, it is my medical opinion that Mr. Romneys forgetfulness about when he departed Bain, as well as his vagueness on any number of other subjects, stem from that original head injury he suffered in 1999. Having said that, I do not believe that Mr. Romneys bouts of amnesia should in any way prevent him from having a full, active public life. In running for the Presidency, they may even be an advantage.
Dr. Hamilton Tennace, M.D.
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