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Gender: Female
Hometown: South East Michigan
Home country: United States
Member since: Tue Jul 27, 2004, 01:19 PM
Number of posts: 10,559

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She married him because she is an idiot.

Also because she probably loves him, and thinks there is more to their relationship than what was captured on that horrific video.

She probably considers herself a strong, confident woman. She isn't his slave. She knows damn good and well she could walk away, and I am confident she has family and friends who would provide her safe haven with no questions asked.

I have now watched the video multiple times. She never cowers from him. She is not oppressed.

She has just been the victim of a physical assault that should NEVER have happened, and she still loves him.

Life can be complicated sometimes. She probably tells herself she provoked him - she is not saying this to justify his behavior, but to give herself some CONTROL over it.

You see, if she PROVOKED HIM, then she can stop him from "over reacting" the next time by NOT provoking him. (Classic co-dependent behavior.)

And this is why she is an idiot: she has not yet realized that the man she loves, the father of her child, her lover and best friend, uses "HIT" as an automatic default "Go To" in his coping skills.

Not walk away. Not kneel in prayer. Not talk until four in the morning. Not even yell at each other and say nasty things.


It is a learned behavior. It is the physical "fight" in the survival "fight, flight or freeze" mode.

And like it or not, when her partner feels threatened - even just mentally or emotionally - by her, his coping mechanism is Hit.

There are those who watch the video who will focus on the "norms" in their relationship - the playful (?) little back of her hand slaps. The two of them appear to be bickering. It escalates in the elevator.

She did not cower from him. In the elevator, she hit her own moment of "FLIGHT, FIGHT OR FREEZE" and she went for FIGHT.

And he knocked her unconscious with one blow, and (to my mind) seems more annoyed at the inconvenience than concerned for her medical condition.

It won't be a popular observation, but I think he looks kind of "shock-y" himself. Adrenalin rush, maybe. Everyone has baggage.

But this post is about her.

The two of them have a Very Messed Up relationship. I am willing to put money on the fact that in HER HEAD, she is NOT a victim. The arguments she will make to those who care about her are pretty cliche.

- "Victim" implies someone who is helpless. She is not. She is a grown woman, and she has made a choice to stay and work things through with the man she loves. They got MARRIED - he loves her.

- So they had a small scuffle; the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. It is actually embarrassing, really. It isn't anyone else's business, so just...BUTT OUT.

- Everyone needs to quit acting like this is a defining moment of his character. Or hers, for that matter.

- Besides, it isn't going to happen again. They have spent a lot of time talking this through. She is sorry everyone was inconvenienced, but the two of them have worked things out, so seriously, everyone needs to just drop it already.

- She loves him. He is the father of her child. He is her best friend and her lover. He worked hard to achieve professional success and she is proud of him. She knows she has a temper, and she is working on that, and so is he.

- She is not a "battered woman", dammit. She isn't afraid of him, and she has her own money.

They all come down to the same thing:

She loves him. He loves her. It isn't going to happen again.

And the truth is, she really believes that last bit. She has to.

Despite all common sense, despite all studies and stories, despite the reality that exercising the demons they both carry and learning healthy communication/relationship enhancing skills beyond "don't Hit!" is going to take a tremendous effort on both of their parts, especially when both will want to minimize and trivialize the facts she went after him and he knocked her unconscious, right now she believes it won't happen again.

And it won't. Until inevitably, it does.

And that is why I am comfortable saying:

She married him because she is an idiot.

DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in this post are my own. I am not a trained mental health professional. I base these opinions on my own life experiences, which includes a loving, but seriously dysfunctional family of origin, three sisters who had partners arrested for domestic violence, and years of therapy to avoid being one of those statistics. Life is complicated, but NOBODY deserves to be a victim of domestic violence.

ON EDIT: I can no longer reply in this thread as I have received my first ever (non-meta) hide for one of my replies, which truthfully, was snarky and sarcastic (for which I apologize); I have been on DU for over a decade, so I guess I was due! Lol. Anyway, this is a difficult discussion, and I thank both the people who appreciated the nature of the post, as well as those who questioned my "harsh" language. This is an important discussion, and no, I am not going to edit the post, or delete it (but thank you for asking).

DU --
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