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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 45,430

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"Who is your daddy and what does he do?"

On the first day of the 2021-22 school year, a teacher decided to use the old game of "who is your daddy and what does he do?" as an icebreaker.

One kid stood up. "My dad is an out-of-work bum. All he does all day long is sit around the house eating fast food and screaming at the TV. Mom keeps on trying to get him to go get a job, but he just tells her to fuck off and orders more fast food."

The teacher was aghast. "Barron! You know perfectly well your father is the retired president of the United States."

Barron shrugged his shoulders. "That's what I said."

Could elections for federal offices be classified as articles of interstate commerce?

Elections have consequences, and federal elections - president and Congress - have consequences for us all.

As Mitch McConnell's actions over the last few years have proven, what the voters in one state decide can ultimately affect, for better or worse, life in the other 49.

As we speak, the We the People Act is wedged under Mitch McConnell's right butt cheek and it probably isn't coming out.

However, there is an alternative.

Government can, loosely, be described as a service. Commerce is the trading of goods and services, normally for money. Interstate commerce is the trading of those goods and services across state lines.

Because the people elected by the several states cross state lines to travel to Washington, DC, for work, and governance is a service purchased with the votes of their constituents, elections to federal office qualify as articles of interstate commerce.

Classified as such, the federal government would then be free to publish a single regulation prescribing the conduct of federal elections and describing all those who are eligible to vote in these elections. This would, with the stroke of a pen, invalidate both state level voter suppression laws and gerrymandered districts - and no congressional input would be required.

I think it's worth a shot.

Two government agencies set to probe the worst act of idiocy in years


So here's the situation: On Saturday night, a 59-year-old man and a 69-year-old man boarded a 2019 Tesla Model S automobile in the vicinity of the city of Spring, Texas. One of them sat in the front passenger seat, and the other sat in the back seat. No one sat in the driver's seat. It is not known who either man voted for in the 2020 election.

The car then proceeded to miss a curve at high speed, travel 100 feet, plow into a huge tree and catch fire. Both men were, as you would expect, killed.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and the National Transportation Safety Board are investigating.

And one of the things they SHOULD be investigating is the fact the Spring Fire Department pumped 32,000 gallons of water on the car before the fire would go out. The fire department called Tesla and were told to "just let it burn out on its own."

But seriously, even if your car has "full self driving capability" that the manufacturer swears will not drive itself, who the fuck thinks not at least sitting in the driver's seat is a good idea? Were they, like, drunk off their asses and thought they wouldn't get busted for DUI if they weren't driving?

Songwriter Jim Steinman has died


Steinman is famous for writing Meat Loaf’s hits and Bonnie Tyler’s Holding Out for a Hero and Total Eclipse of the Heart, among other huge hits.

I figured out how to shoot the Trump movie

Imagine a mash-up of The Princess Bride and Goodfellas, with Samuel L. Jackson as the narrator and his real-life child as the one being read the bedtime story. Of course it will be directed by Quentin Tarantino and will, as a result, be entered in the Guinness Book of World Records under the heading “most uses of the word ‘motherfucker’ in a motion picture.”

Murder alibi of the week: "She shot herself"


On April 13, Victor Claus of Bonners Ferry, Idaho, and his girlfriend Melissa Schloe were driving in Idaho when they got in a big argument. Schloe was shot in the head from a distance of at least 18 inches, crossed the center line, sideswiped a motorcycle then hit another car hard enough to flip it twice. Mr. Claus was booked on first-degree murder charges and, because he was very drunk at the time, is facing the death penalty.

His alibi: “She grabbed the gun off my dashboard, where I always keep it, and shot herself.’

The sheriff immediately affixed a laser sight to a similar gun and attempted to set up the same shot. After hours of trying they attest there’s no way she could have shot herself.

But that’s his story and he’s sticking with it.

Bernie Madoff no longer has to worry about getting Trump as a cellmate


Bernie Madoff, who created the software stock trading program that later became the NASDAQ stock exchange, has died. A very smart man, Madoff later proved the adage “a fool and his money are soon parted” by creating and running the biggest Ponzi Scheme the world has ever known. Because fools with enough money to get into Madoff’s racket really hate to be ripped off - the minimum buy-in was $100,000 and many invested millions - Mr. Madoff was rewarded for his ingenuity by being sent to federal prison for 150 years.

He died of natural causes.

Egypt appears to be on the verge of starting its own shipping line


On March 23, Evergreen Line got one of their massive container ships stuck in the Suez Canal. It took until March 28 to dig it out.

Apparently Evergreen’s insurance company was not pleased to be presented with a bill for $900 million for freeing their $120 million boat, so they’ve walked away from it.

Is Shohei Ohtani the best hitting pitcher in baseball history?

Ohtani pitches in the AL, and they don’t use a DH when he’s on the mound.

This morning, MLB.com is reporting that Ohtani, the winning pitcher in last night’s 10-3 win over the Royals, nailed a 119-mph double in the seventh that stands as the hardest hit so far this season. According to Statcast, only five batsmen have recorded hits at least that hard since 2015: Giancarlo Stanton did it nine times, Aaron Judge did it four, Nelson Cruz hit one ground-ball single, Gary Sanchez lined out and Ohtani hit one double.

When I was going through my email this morning and saw that, my first thought was obvious: isn’t Ohtani in the league where pitchers don’t hit? Apparently this guy didn’t read the memo that says pitchers are supposed to be lousy at the plate.

As for Babe Ruth...he was a decent hitter on the Red Sox, but he didn’t become the Sultan of Swat until the Yankees moved him to right field.

You'll hate me: both Pfizer shots, no side effects

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