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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 36,175

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The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a doctor with quick reflexes

Or, Never attempt to rob a clinic that's fifty feet from the sheriff's office.

No link because the paper this came from invented the paywall, but anyway...

According to one of the papers I work on, Travis James Harpole, 45, resident of St. Maries, ID, made an appointment for the town's medical clinic that absolutely HAD to be with a specific doctor. Come his appointment time, Harpole was taken into a treatment room. When the doctor arrived, Harpole told him: you are going to fill all my prescriptions and give me an injection of Dilaudid right now or there will be consequences for all the doctors here." The clinic in St. Maries has no Dilaudid. The doctor told him, no prescriptions and no shot.

Harpole pulled a loaded .40-caliber pistol out and tried to aim it. Before he could, the doctor grabbed his wrist, stepped behind Harpole, pulled Harpole's gun to his body so he couldn't aim it, and got another nurse to help restrain him until he dropped the gun and the cops showed up. Harpole told the doctor that when he got out of jail, he was going straight to the doctor's house to "take him to hell with him and burn the home down." Don't worry, that won't be for a while: Harpole was charged with aggravated battery, attempted robbery with a firearms enhancement, and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. He faces 40 years in the state pen.

I just realized who the inaugural singer will have to be

Please don't click this:

Eric Schmitt-Matzen is hard-core

Mr. Schmitt-Matzen is (1) a Professional Santa who looks just like the one Clement Moore carved out as the archetype and (2) a veteran of the Army's 75th Ranger Regiment so he's seen things most people would not believe.

A few weeks ago, something happened to him that nearly pushed him over the edge.

Read about it here:


Here's the helicopter Trump wants to use for his dramatic entrance

This specimen of the Soviet-made Mi-24 Hind attack helicopter belongs to the Hungarian Air Force Recruiting Command.

War on Christmas: I attack and defile America's most sacred holiday tradition!

This is a recipe you will only see here. I invented this on Tuesday night, made it Wednesday and saw it consumed in seconds on Thursday.

Chocolate Sugar Cookies
(Makes a variable number - how big are your cookie cutters?)

1/2 pound of softened butter - accept no substitutes!
1-1/2 cups confectioner's sugar
1 egg
1-1/2 teaspoons of flavoring extracts in any combination you like - 1 tsp vanilla and 1/2 tsp almond is a good start
2 cups all purpose flour - NOT self-rising!
1/2 cup cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking powder
Granulated sugar
Decorating materials suitable for gingerbread cookies

Two hours before: Put the butter in a bowl at room temperature.

Cream butter to smooth, silky consistency. (This works best if you have a stand mixer.) Add confectioner's sugar 1/4 cup at a time, blending completely into the butter at every addition.

Mix the egg and extracts together. Set your mixer to its lowest speed and gently beat the egg mixture into it. When it's blended in well enough it SHOULD look like yellow frosting.

Mix the flour, cocoa powder and baking powder together in a big bowl. Add to the buttercream base 1/2 cup at a time, blending in thoroughly after each addition. When all the dry ingredients are mixed in, STOP BEATING! Put it in the fridge for at least two hours. Overnight is better.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F. Roll out the dough to 1/4" thick on a lightly floured board. Cut out cookies. Weed away the excess dough, then sprinkle the dough with powdered sugar. Put the raw cookies on a baking sheet and bake for 8 minutes. Remove from the oven, allow to sit for a minute to firm up, then cool on a wire rack. Do NOT attempt to use the "bake till light brown on the edges" method of baking - this is at least as dark as gingerbread dough, so if you see it turn brown you're screwed.

Finally, make another batch right away. These went REAL fast when I fed them to my coworkers.

Breaking: Donald Trump selects Official White House Pets

TRUMP TOWER (Spurious News Network) -- Following weeks of speculation, President-Elect Donald Trump has selected the Official White House Pets.


Mr. Trump conducted a press conference on the sidewalk in front of Trump Tower to display the animals that will accompany him on his amazing journey: a breeding pair of Tasmanian devils who were captured in the wild and named after his parents, Fred and Mary Ann Trump. Upon lifting the veil covering their cages, the assembled reporters immediately retreated to Brooklyn.

Later on Fox News, Trump explained the significance behind their selection. "We were drawn to their reproductive strategy. A Tasmanian devil gives birth to fifty kittens who immediately square off in a fight to the death for one of the four nipples in a female devil's pouch. I couldn't think of a more appropriate symbol of my administration." Trump was asked NOT to bring the devils to the studio with him.

When asked which one was which, Trump shrugged: "No one's been brave enough to get that close."

Tasmanian president Jim Wilkinson questioned not only Trump's sanity but the legality of this move. "You need a licence to remove devils from Tasmania. He didn't ask for one and we wouldn't have given it to him if he had. One devil would make a poor excuse for a house pet, and two would be even worse. They look like a twenty-pound rat. They're born pissed off and get worse as they go along. You feed them the way they fed the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. They're solitary. They're nocturnal. They can gnaw their way out of a gaol cell. If you try petting one, it'll probably eat your hand. They have a scream that'll curdle your blood...and as for the stench...oh my. You Yanks have this lovely expression about bad-smelling things, 'it'll curl your nose hairs.' Well, a devil's odor won't curl your nose hairs. It'll make them fall out."

Sir Peter Cosgrove, Governor-General of Australia, was slightly philosophical: "There's no possible way those devils could possibly trash America as badly as Trump is going to."

McConnell wants "Democratic cooperation" on repealing Obamacare

You cannot make this shit up.


Aren't ex post facto laws and bills of attainder illegal?

Der Orangenfuehrer claims that if a US-based corporation moves jobs overseas while he's in charge, he's going to whack that company with a 35-percent tariff on any products they attempt to import into the United States.

Somehow I don't think that's even legal. He'd have to get a law that (1) attacked activity that happened before the law was passed - ex post facto - and (2) targeted one company - a bill of attainder - to make this happen...and for some reason I think our heavily-abused Constitution is still intact enough to say, "no, Donald, you can't do this."

The most patriotic act the Air Force could ever hope to accomplish...

...is writing the phone number to a pizza parlor on the little card that's supposed to have the launch codes on it.

Al Franken for 2020!

Franken has two huge advantages over Hillary: he's able to connect with the common person, and he hasn't been the recipient of 30 years of hard-right love.
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