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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 36,801

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Donald Trump's super secret plan to defeat ISIS - REVEALED!

He's going to offer to pay each ISIS fighter $25,000 to not make any more attacks, but they have to report in person to get their money. When the ISIS fighters come to pick up their money, Trump will spring up from behind a rock with a bandana tied around his forehead and an M60 machine gun*** slung over each shoulder and - rat-a-tat-tat - ISIS will be no more.

Naturally, Hugh Shelton* and Peter Schoomaker** would think this plan (1) about as batshit insane as it's possible to get and (2) completely incapable of success, but what do they know?

* General Henry "Hugh" Shelton was a Special Forces officer who retired as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
** General Peter Schoomaker was a Special Forces officer who retired from the Army then was brought back on active duty by Shrub to be Chief of Staff of the Army. He is very good.
*** An M60 machine gun is one of the worst pieces of shit the Army ever put in the field. They also weigh 23 pounds unloaded, so the odds of the Pillsbury Doughboy "springing" anywhere with two of these bastards attached to his corpulent carcass are somewhere between "none" and "worse than that."

On the lighter side: Jury selection in the Bundy Bunch trial has begun

And you may want to read Ryan Bundy's insane "Statement by verified declaration" at


Some highlights...

He says he's not a person, a child or a human being.

He believes he's entitled to $800 million to restore him to the wholeness he enjoyed before he was arrested. Further, he believes the government must set him free immediately.

He believes district courts have no jurisdiction over him.

It's pretty standard sovereign citizen bullshit.

Not content to let Hillary steal the spotlight, Trump also unveils new campaign plane

NEW YORK (Spurious News Network) -- After enduring months of complaints from journalists that the press corps and Donald Trump's ego will not both fit on Donald Trump's customized Boeing 757, the Trump campaign responds in spectacular fashion.

Donald Trump led us on a tour of the cavernous craft, and described it in typically Trumpian fashion.

"Believe me, I know airplanes. They're my favorite way to get around, and this is the finest airplane you can buy. Look around you. Isn't this great? There's more room on this plane than I know what to do with!"

The press was slightly underwhelmed. "I think this is a little tight," said a reporter from Fox News. "Between Donald's massive sense of self-worth and the drums of orange paint he brings with him everywhere he goes, we're still sitting in each other's laps. It is a massive plane, though, and easy to get lost in."

Trump explained the airplane was a campaign contribution from an 'enthusiastic supporter.' "The owner of this airplane really believes in me and my campaign, and wants to do everything he can to help me Make America Great Again!"

There is one Antonov-225 cargo jet in existence. It belongs to the Russian government.

Hillary is running a fantastic campaign

When the Trump campaign does something stupid, like send the Jews for Pat Buchanan guy out to tell America the only thing that can save us from a taco truck on every corner is Dustmop Don, our side turns that shit back on him within minutes. Which is what you have to do to beat a bully.

I don't normally advocate tax cuts BUT...

What taxes would have to be raised to allow taxpayers with Line 22 income of $75,000 or below (total income, not AGI) to take both Standard Deduction and Schedule A itemized deductions, and to use medical deductions without having to have spent 4.5 percent of their income on medical bills? Raising the top two brackets by 1.5 percent comes to mind but would it be enough?

My apartment has been taken over

I leave the doors open so the natural breezes keep it cool.

This little guy walked in the front door and refuses to leave.

Omarosa's "every critic will bow down to Trump" is straight out of the Bible

This is Philippians 2.9-11:

9. Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,
10. that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11. and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Today's marching order: Donald Trump is trying to ride into the White House on a black horse with a pair of scales in his hand, and he is trying to use the votes of people who only care about a candidate's religion to do it. Many of these people read newspapers, so your task for this week is to write a letter to the editor explaining how un-Christ-like Trump actually is.

Hang on for a second...HILLARY is the racist in this campaign?

Donald, Donald, Donald...Hillary's not the one who's ENDORSED BY THE KU KLUX KLAN! There's no "Hillary Youth" group run by white supremacists. Her foreign policy doesn't require suspending the Constitution to achieve.

Does Donald Trump even know what country he wants to be president of?

What a lovely day in baseball...

On the day when Alex Rodriguez, one of baseball's worse assholes, retired as a player...


Ichiro, one of the nicest people in the sport, scored his 3000th MLB hit.


North Idaho strip mall burns to the ground (story gets very weird)


There is a minister in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, by the name of Tim Remington. To keep from typing the name of the town over and over, I will abbreviate it to CDA.

Pastor Remington runs a megachurch called The Altar. It's your standard far-right church.

The church runs a drug and alcohol rehab program named Good Samaritan Rehabilitation. To fund this, the church set up a thrift store.

On March 5 of this year, Ted Cruz had a rally in CDA. Pastor Remington gave the invocation.

On March 6, a Marine veteran named Kyle Odom allegedly shot Pastor Remington six times with a .45-caliber pistol - I don't know what brand it was, but in case you're wondering, the Remington Arms Company makes .45-caliber pistols - at point-blank range as he was leaving the church after services. (Remington survived, which brings into question the adequacy of Marine Corps marksmanship training. He's back at work.) Mr. Odom then drove 385 miles to the Boise Airport, boarded a plane to Washington, DC, and threw a manifesto over the White House fence - the manifesto claims he shot the pastor because the pastor was a Martian. The Secret Service arrested him, ran a check on him, found he was wanted for attempted murder, and eventually mailed him back to us. Thanks to Mr. Odom, TSA now checks to see if you're on the lam before they let you on a plane. As far as anyone knows, Odom never had contact with Remington before Odom decided Remington needed to be ventilated.

Last night, the thrift store, plus the two businesses sharing the strip mall it was in, burned to the ground. Our fire chief says there's nothing left.
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