August 7, 2018

Defiant Manafort Enters Trial Wearing Coat Made Of Live Puffins

August 7, 2018

Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone

AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park.

“Although having my show and podcasts taken down by elitist liberal tech companies like YouTube and Apple is part of the growing feminization of our country, it’s ultimately going to backfire on them, because now I’m free to get back to the thing that launched my career—screaming crucial information about chemtrails and the gay agenda into the faces of unsuspecting park visitors,” said Jones as he eagerly approached a group of jump-roping children to shriek at them about the rise of tuberculosis in Chobani yogurt.

“Sure, getting to film my show in a nice big indoor studio is great, but I feel I’d lost some of the passion that comes from hollering at people up close while they try to enjoy a picnic or play a game of bocce ball. I used to wake up in the bushes almost every day, my piss-soaked pants bunched around my ankles, my mouth already shouting at passersby and trees about white genocide. I’ve long since paid my dues as a leading conservative pundit. But once my show took off, I couldn’t help but think that I’d lost a little of that human connection that only comes from seeing the flecks of your own spit on a stranger’s face as you tell them, your voice distorted from the amplification, about the false flag operations where crisis actors try to take away our guns. And there’s just no feeling quite like the rush of climbing to the top of the jungle gym, the sweet ache of your throat lining tearing as you scream at parents and kids about autistic Muppets, the heat of the sun-warmed playground equipment seeping into your flushed nude body.”

At press time, Jones was being escorted from Austin’s Balcones Public Park by police officers after an unsuccessful attempt to sell his Child Ease supplements to a family celebrating their daughter’s birthday.

https://www.theonion.com/alex-jones-returns-to-humble-roots-of-screaming-conspir-1828144517

August 6, 2018

Backpedaling Trump Claims Eldest Son Would Probably Be Fine Doing 5 To 10 Years In Prison

WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of past statements on the Trump Tower meeting, President Trump acknowledged Monday that he believed his eldest son would most likely be fine doing five to 10 years in a federal prison.

“Despite reports that I’m concerned about my wonderful son being sent to jail, I actually think there wouldn’t be much harm at all if he was imprisoned for a decade or so,” said the president, directly contradicting previous reports that he had expressed worry to aides about his son facing legal repercussions for meeting with Russian agents by noting that Donald Jr. was a “resilient kid” who could easily weather a stint in a federal penitentiary until 2025.

“Look, my son is young, he’s got a good head on his shoulders—I bet he’d do absolutely fantastic behind bars. Frankly, I’ve just got no problem with him getting locked up in a cell until he’s around 50. And, honestly, any news story telling you otherwise is a complete fabrication.”

Trump also dismissed claims that he had any qualms about never seeing Jared Kushner again if his senior advisor were to receive a life sentence for treason.

https://politics.theonion.com/backpedaling-trump-claims-eldest-son-would-probably-be-1828135332

This is The Onion, folks.

August 6, 2018

Report: Trump admin in danger of wasting billions on border wall

Source: CNN

The Trump administration is at risk of wasting some of the billions of dollars it wants to spend on the US-Mexico border wall, according to a watchdog report released Monday.

The Government Accountability Office concluded that the Department of Homeland Security has not conducted a full analysis of the costs of building the wall. Department officials have also not properly documented their plans for building a portion of wall in the San Diego area.

Because of the shortfalls, "DHS faces an increased risk that the Border Wall System Program will cost more than projected, take longer than planned, or not fully perform as expected," GAO wrote.

The report also said DHS does not consider costs when deciding where to build. That means it "does not have complete information to determine whether it is using its limited resources in the most cost-effective manner."


Read more: https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/06/politics/border-wall-waste-gao/index.html

August 5, 2018

Apple iPhone chip supplier says virus will delay shipments

Source: AP

A company that makes semiconductors for Apple iPhones says it is recovering from a virus outbreak but expects the incident to delay shipments and raise costs.

Taiwan Semiconductor Co. Ltd. said 80 percent of the fabrication tools affected by Friday’s virus had been recovered by Sunday. TSMC expects full recovery on Monday.

The company didn’t detail the impact on Apple or other customers. Apple Inc. did not immediately return a message seeking comment.

The semiconductor company blames the outbreak on a mistake during installation of software for a new tool, which was then connected to its computer network. It says confidential information was not compromised.

Read more: https://apnews.com/fab1659e27484bbbafdf92f8c4d67eac/Apple-iPhone-chip-supplier-says-virus-will-delay-shipments

August 5, 2018

Trump wants a Space Force, but Pentagon has different idea

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump wants a Space Force, a new military service he says is needed to ensure American dominance in space. But the idea is gaining little traction at the Pentagon, where the president’s defense chief, Jim Mattis, says it would add burdensome bureaucracy and unwanted costs.

The Pentagon acknowledges a need to revamp its much-criticized approach to defending U.S. economic and security interests in space, and it is moving in that direction. But it’s unclear whether this will satisfy Trump, who wants to go even further by creating a separate military space service.

The administration intends to announce next week the results of a Pentagon study that is expected to call for creating a new military command — U.S. Space Command — to consolidate space warfighting forces and making other organizational changes short of establishing a separate service, which only Congress can do. Any legislative proposal to create a separate service would likely not be put on the table until next year.

Mattis, who said prior to Trump’s “Space Force” announcement in June that he opposes creating a new branch of the military for space, said afterward that this would require “a lot of detailed planning.”

https://apnews.com/ef4ade6a5f6040e0addbf8a4f1e518d4

August 5, 2018

Oliver North Vows to Raise Money for the N.R.A. by Selling Arms to Iran

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that “heroic measures” were needed to save the National Rifle Association from financial catastrophe, the N.R.A.’s president, Oliver North, announced plans to sell arms to Iran.

“Iran needs weapons, and, Lord knows, we have a lot of weapons lying around,” North told reporters on Sunday. “This is the definition of a win-win.”

North said that he came up with the idea of selling arms to Iran because “the Iranians were always great to deal with” and “never cared where the money was going to.”

The N.R.A. president said that his next move was to establish new contacts in Iran. “Back in the day, I remember there was an Ayatollah there, but I think it’s a new Ayatollah now,” he said. “I wish I could take a look at my old documents, but I guess I had them shredded.”

North said that, if Iran is not interested in purchasing arms, the cash-strapped organization would resort to other ways of raising funds, such as selling used office furniture or members of Congress.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/oliver-north-vows-to-raise-money-for-the-nra-by-selling-arms-to-iran

August 3, 2018

Angolan War Criminal Called In As Character Witness To Manafort Fraud Trial

ALEXANDRIA, VA—In an effort to showcase the former Trump campaign manager’s most positive attributes, Angolan war criminal Abilio Macanga was called to act as a character witness Friday in the Paul Manafort fraud trial.

“Paul is a savvy businessman, an upstanding member of his community, and, above all else, one of my closest friends,” said Macanga, a warlord personally responsible for the brutal slaughter of thousands of innocent women and children during the Angolan Civil War.

“When I was down on my luck during a particularly difficult diamond smuggling operation, Paul stood by me. And when I was almost assassinated in a coup by my own soldiers, Paul lent me the money to pay the mercenary I used to hunt down and murder the families of those who betrayed me. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for that defendant right there, Paul Manafort.”

At press time, Manafort’s defense called up their next witness, a trembling former intern who insisted his boss was a great guy who never once threatened to break his fucking legs so bad he’d be walking sideways the rest of his life.

https://politics.theonion.com/angolan-war-criminal-called-in-as-character-witness-to-1828084812

August 3, 2018

Ex-leader of SC Republican Party says he's Christ and God told him to kill mom's dog, police say

The former leader of the South Carolina Republican Party was recently arrested after police said he “cruelly” killed his mother’s dog, and told them he did it because he was acting on a command from God — and that he was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

It was the latest in a downward spiral for Todd Kincannon, who was once the general counsel and executive director of the South Carolina Republican Party, per The State.

The Simpsonville Police Department reported that Kincannon killed his mother’s 10-year-old beagle/cattle dog mix July 26 at his parents’ house in Greenville County, where he was also living.

The 37-year-old Kincannon “intentionally, willfully, maliciously, cruelly and needlessly” mutilated Bailey by choking and stabbing the medium-sized dog multiple times with two knives, according to an arrest warrant.

Read more here: https://www.thestate.com/news/local/crime/article216004960.html

August 3, 2018

Man who swiped shark says he's 'activist, not a criminal'

SAN ANTONIO (AP) — The man accused of swiping a shark from a Texas aquarium says he did so because he was concerned about the sea creature’s wellbeing.

Anthony Shannon is charged with felony theft for stealing the horn shark Saturday from the San Antonio Aquarium. The heist, which was captured on surveillance video , shows a man grabbing the 16-inch-long (40-centimeter-long) shark from a petting tank and later wheeling it away in a baby stroller. The shark, named Miss Helen, was recovered Monday night from Shannon’s home.

“I’m an activist, not a criminal,” Shannon told San Antonio TV station KENS in an interview from his home, which has three saltwater tanks filled with dozens of fish and five sharks.

Shannon said he’s a lifelong marine enthusiast and that he became concerned about conditions at the aquarium after a friend told him that marine animals were dying frequently. About a month ago, Shannon posed as a salt distributor so he could investigate conditions and take water samples from the tanks, he said.

https://apnews.com/0b41c541d1294af99bece1482aab90a5

He's an "activist, not a criminal". I think that's what all shark swipers say.