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Gender: Male
Hometown: America's Finest City
Current location: District 50
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 9,682

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Nation Marvels at Trump's Ability to Turn ExxonMobil Multimillionaire Into Sympathetic Figure

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans on Tuesday marvelled at Donald J. Trump’s ability to transform the former C.E.O. of ExxonMobil into a figure deserving of their sympathy.

Across the country, Americans expressed amazement that Rex Tillerson, who presided over the nation’s largest oil company and has an estimated net worth of three hundred million dollars, is now someone they find themselves pulling for.

“Rex Tillerson made tens of millions of dollars a year while ordinary consumers like me suffered from high gas prices,” Tracy Klugian, a hardware-store clerk in Lansing, Michigan, said. “Having said that, no one deserves to be treated the way he was today.”

“ExxonMobil had an egregious record for environmental damage and human-rights violations around the world,” Carol Foyler, a school counsellor in Santa Rosa, California, said. “Still, your heart has to go out to him.”

As for Tillerson, he bid a gracious farewell to his associates at the State Department and announced that, even though his government career was at an end, he would never stop trying to harm the world as a private citizen.


Kim Jong Un Reveals He Is Just Using Trump to Meet Stormy Daniels

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un has revealed to close associates that he has offered to meet Donald J. Trump only as a means of achieving his real goal: meeting the former adult-film star Stormy Daniels.

A confidant of the North Korean dictator said that Kim revealed his true intentions behind the Trump invitation at a high-level government meeting on Thursday night. “Kim said that he was a big fan of Stormy’s, and he decided that meeting with Trump would be a ‘necessary evil’ if he wanted a chance to meet her,” the confidant said.

According to the confidant, Kim first attempted to arrange a meeting with Daniels through his close friend, the former N.B.A. player Dennis Rodman, “but, when Dennis said that he didn’t know Stormy, Kim was, like, ‘Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to go through Trump, then.’ ”

Kim reportedly is prepared to use whatever leverage is necessary to force Trump to broker the meeting with the erstwhile porn performer. “If Kim doesn’t get to meet Stormy, the missile tests resume,” the confidant said.

When told about Kim’s real reason for offering to meet with Trump, a White House aide initially expressed shock, but then added, “Now everything makes sense.”


Just finished Bernal Diaz' The True History of the Conquest of New Spain

Bernal Diaz was a Spanish conquistador who accompanied Cortés in the campaign against the Aztecs. It's an amazing epic, stuffed with tales of heroism, barbarity, jealousy, treachery, predation, greed, guile, and lust.

The sheer audacity of the Spanish conquest is stunning. From arriving with 500 men on the coast at Veracruz, to burning their ships so there was no way to return to Cuba, to defeating and then diplomatically allying with various tribes along the way to Tenochtitlan, to marching into the capital and brazenly kidnapping Montezuma, to all the subsequent events -- it truly is a story for the ages.

Diaz fills in a lot of interesting details about the events he witnessed and the magnificent sites the conquistadors encountered as they marched inexorably toward Tenochtitlan, and how conflicted Montezuma was -- alternately demanding his allies ambush them on their approach, and then welcoming them into the heart of the city -- as Cortés persisted in his objective to meet (and subjugate) him. There are minor anecdotes -- how Montezuma complained to Cortés about one of his guards continuing to fart in his presence, how many of the Spaniards suffered from the "disease of the groins" (syphilis), etc. that add color to the tale.

It must have been horrific for Catholic Spaniards to encounter altars carved with feathered serpent heads where ritual murders were conducted almost daily. Not only did the blood-matted priests cut the beating hearts out of their living victims, but wide-scale cannibalism was a cultural practice -- Diaz describes how they would enter towns and find caged men, women, and children being fattened up prior to their sacrifice. Damn.

Revile him or admire him, Cortés is described in a way that is not altogether flattering -- Diaz was especially critical of Cortés not recognizing the efforts his original cohort contributed to the success of the campaign, and not sharing the riches he acquired with them -- but nevertheless he does provide an insightful portrait of Cortés, and just how cunning, diplomatic, brave, judicious, and ruthless a man he was. As fierce and as brutal as the Aztecs were, they more than met their match with Cortés and his conquistadors.

It's an incredible memoir, and I think there's not another book quite like this. It can actually be found and read for free at gutenberg.org (search for Bernal Diaz -- it's in 2 volumes, and is a long -- but rewarding -- read).


Huckabee Sanders Warns Stormy Daniels' Disclosures Just Steamy, Sexy Distraction From Real Issues

WASHINGTON—Urging journalists not to fixate on specious rumors and instead pursue topics of real importance, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned reporters assembled for the press briefing Thursday that allegations of President Trump’s affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels were a steamy, sexy distraction from the real issues.

“Look, I know how easy it is to get all hot and bothered while reading these tantalizing stories about the president, but Americans need to focus on the concrete problems affecting our nation,” said a sweaty, visibly aroused Huckabee Sanders, who flushed noticeably and bit her bottom lip as she encouraged reporters to concentrate on the issues concerning everyday citizens instead of whatever filthy, animalistic sexual acts may or may not have occurred during a hedonistic weekend in Beverly Hills.

“Journalists should be reporting on the decreasing unemployment rate and the return of manufacturing jobs, not the president’s engorged genitals or the intoxicating idea of two people in a five-star Lake Tahoe hotel room tonguing honey from each other’s secret places during an illicit tryst. However titillating they might be, these rumors are just a diversion from the hard, sweaty work of helping the American worker onto his back. Back on his feet.”

Huckabee Sanders then apologized for emptying a pitcher of ice water over her head during her presentation, excused herself, and staggered moaning from the briefing room.


You're Not Dreaming: A Porn Star Is Suing The President

Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company's Success Is Not Paying For Customers' Medical Care

HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care.

“The secret to running a thriving multi-billion-dollar company like Aetna is in the cultivation of a loyal consumer base whose medical needs you rarely, if ever, pay for,” said Bertolini, who went on to advise young entrepreneurs to first build financial reserves through a business model in which subscribers spend an exorbitant amount each month for prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures, and then preserve their capital by exercising all due diligence and consistency by never paying for expensive, profit-deflating exigencies such as prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures.

“If you want broad profit margins in today’s constricted marketplace, all you need to do is find a market which you can offer absolutely nothing while taking all of your customers’ money. That describes today’s modern health insurance market to an uncanny degree—In 2017, our largest customer-facing expense was advertising.”

At press time, Aetna’s stock value rose by 6 percent as the company announced a premium hike.


It's The Onion, folks.

Avalanche strikes crowded Mammoth Mountain: 'Essentially, the top of the mountain came loose'

An avalanche at Mammoth Mountain early Saturday forced the closure of the popular ski area and triggered search and rescue efforts, officials said.

There were no immediate reports of injuries or missing people, but emergency crews were activated, officials said.

The ski patrol was conducting avalanche hazard mitigation work when the avalanche occurred about 10:15 a.m. on the upper part of the mountain near the High Five Express chairlift area, Lauren Burke, public relations manager for Mammoth Mountain, said in a statement. Such work usually involves the use of explosive devices to demolish dangerous snow piles.

Rescue operations, which included the use of search dogs, were immediately activated.


Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb

WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than two weeks, a worried populace told reporters Monday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb.

“Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL, echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn.

“This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.”

At press time, the American populace was wearily hoping it had even 48 hours before it had to figure out how to take back Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

UPDATE: The U.S. populace confirmed that they could not handle all of these pieces of shit trying to rejoin society at once.



I've always found this song to be very touching. I think you might, too.

Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress.

“After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of interest in a proposal that’s been circulating to sit back and do jack shit until the next entirely preventable massacre goes down on U.S. soil,” sources said of the legislators’ plan to twiddle their thumbs while the next unhinged lunatic effortlessly purchases an AR-15 before firing it indiscriminately in what could be either a crowded mall, a movie theater, an airport, or even another school.

“As soon as the Parkland shooting happened, party leaders banded together, declared ‘Enough is enough,’ and immediately began formulating a way to talk out of their asses via their social media accounts while doing nothing to create, strengthen, or better enforce basic gun laws.

This measure to squander their unique opportunity to pass legislation that puts an end to the maddening cycle of gun violence is very popular right now, and will likely continue to be championed until the next group of innocent men, women, and children are brutally slaughtered.” Sources added that the plan has a high chance of surviving, as it has the full support of the NRA.

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