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B Calm

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Gender: Do not display
Hometown: Rural
Home country: USA
Current location: Behind the Hoosier Iron Curtain
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 28,762

Journal Archives



Here's one for you.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog,
which weighs 191 lbs. (The dog, not the bag.)  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked
if I had a dog.

      What did she think I had, an elephant?

      So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
      that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
      added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
      last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
      an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
      orifices and IVs in both arms.

      I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
      that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets
      and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
      is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to
      try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
      in line was now enthralled with my story.)

      Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
      food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant
      and a car hit me.

      I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

      Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
      Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the
      time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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