Don’t apologize to me for your rape joke

[ismnotwasm]

I was at a relative’s birthday party not long ago with a lot of people I didn’t know. All of the guests were already close friends, and for the most part they, like me, were in their 20s. Some of them were a good deal older, though, and one man—who seemed to be about my parents’ age—appeared to be the leader of the bunch. He was raucous and inappropriate and had a penchant for finding chops to bust; what he did not have, it soon became clear, was any sense of decorum.


At one point, while the whole group was outside on the deck and engaged in fragmented conversations, the man loudly interrupted his wife while she was talking to another woman. He wanted to tell a joke. He did. Or, I guess, he thought he did, because when he was finished most of the group started laughing. But the “joke” he told turned rape into a punch line. It was something he said in hopes other people would find it funny, and it sucked.

I wasn’t the only guest who didn’t respond with laughter, but I think I was the only one who didn’t even crack a smile. Everyone quickly turned back to their conversations, but I leaned over to another relative and whispered, “Glad rape jokes are still in vogue.” I pulled out my phone and fired off some similar snark for Twitter, then went inside to eat some more salami.

About 10 minutes later, when everyone was back in the kitchen filling their plates with food, the rape joke-teller stopped me as I passed him on my way to the dining room. “Hey,” he said, “someone pulled me aside to say that you’re a big feminist, so you probably didn’t appreciate my joke. I want to apologize.” He went on to say that rape is never funny, and that he knows people who have been sexually assaulted and that he would never want to make fun of their trauma. All in all, the jokester said some pretty enlightened things. But then he finished his remarks by saying something about how he was just joking, but he really hoped he didn’t offend me too much. He asked for a hug to let him know I had truly accepted his apology, to show that I knew he wasn’t a bad guy. I relented.

In case you’re wondering, he did not apologize to anyone else (especially not to the women whose conversation he interrupted).

http://www.salon.com/2015/01/03/dont_apologize_to_me_for_your_rape_joke/

[BlueJazz]

1. He was just Kid.

[NYC_SKP]

2. SHM.

Two words that should never, ever, exist next to one another.

Rape is never and in no way something that can be treated in a humorous manner.

It takes more than the lack of a sense of decorum to say such things.

Yuck. Puke.

[braddy]

3. Male rape is one of the most common sex jokes there is.

TV, movies, everyday conversations, it is so common that most people probably don't even notice it, it is pretty foul stuff, but totally accepted by society at large and in polite company.

At that same get together you could have dropped the line "don't drop the soap" and been a big hit.

[ismnotwasm]

4. No rape is funny

When the victim is the punchline.

SIL is a corrections officer, he tells me that added to the general insanity of incarceration, is rapists have to segregated from General population. Those in GP, may even have had a outside conviction for rape at one time, but you don't cop to it. Inside rapists, well that's a different story. Not funny.

One of the reasons I'm against trying children as adults is when they move to adult prison, the system is so corrupt they are often already 'owned' by an adult. Not funny either.

[braddy]

5. I agree, and am surprised at the puzzled reactions I get

sometimes, when I try to gently point that out, people often seem either baffled by what I'm saying, or mock it.

[seabeyond]

6. at least the feminist on du are consistent and have educated those on du, that all rape jokes are

wrong.

no. they are not funny.

it will get a hide on du. for your own personal education while posting on du.

[braddy]

7. Since my point is that they aren't funny, that would get me a hide?

[ismnotwasm]

8. Depends on who you are arguing with I suppose.

Crazy stuff happens around the the topic, as you yourself have noticed-- on-line and off

[seabeyond]

9. often when we have these conversations about silly things like rape jokes,

we have a poster here or there come in to tell us.... but, .... male rape jokes are funny, what about that.

it derails from the Op and the conversation to be had.

i was not clear about your position or reasoning for bringing up male rape jokes getting approval. so i made clear, that we do not think they are funny. we were the first to bring up the point that male rape jokes are not funny. we are the ones that continually call out male rape jokes.

good to know your position.