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Wed Nov 20, 2019, 04:26 PM

Terrified and depressed!

I've "stayed too long at the fair." No amount of counseling, medication, trying to communicate those "I" messages, embarking on extreme austerity measures for our well-being, agreeing to a "new start," has yet to impress upon him the fact that he needs to earn my trust by being both fiscally responsible and maritally responsible. I'm tired of the charade for the sake of what? Kids are grown, thank god, and say it's 50% my fault - I've lost all my self-confidence; all of my attempted savings; all my drive to turn anything around by accepting yet another empty promise. There's always something, most of all lost jobs, lost/homes, lost good name; lost ability for the kind of medical care each of us needs--vision, dental, hearing, counseling; yet another unpaid bill, none of them in my name--not the lease, not the utilities, not transportation (cars); I buy the food and hope it lasts a month; I pay for our cells; then there's the lies of forgetfulness, priorities, hidden mailings (only one key). I no longer believe that "love" looks like this..

Is there support or any assistance at shelters, hospital rooms (not suicidal), for a senior enduring elder non-physical domestic (emotional, psychological, financial) abuse? Tomorrow will be our 49th anniversary; clearly he does not respect this status or feel much gratitude for his 70 x 7 chances to make even a short-term attempt until and unless I'm already so upset it makes his case of my "fault," but I'm way beyond tears, daily prayer, meditations to still the brain pain; it's obvious the heart is weak to end it all.

I feel so foolish in this long history of enabling this charade of his; I feel as though, over the years, I've created my own charade and failure. Please help me understand why I feel so disenfranchised. so invisible, and not worth his effort. I feel totally lost...

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Arrow 10 replies Author Time Post
Reply Terrified and depressed! (Original post)
Backseat Driver Nov 20 OP
PoindexterOglethorpe Nov 20 #1
Boxerfan Nov 20 #2
peacefreak2.0 Nov 20 #3
MLAA Nov 20 #4
Tech Nov 20 #5
mopinko Nov 20 #6
handmade34 Nov 20 #7
Karadeniz Nov 20 #8
lostnfound Nov 21 #9
socdem60 Nov 30 #10

Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 04:29 PM

1. With any luck at all there is a woman's shelter

in your city or somewhere nearby. Contact them.

Do NOT stay with him. Start your own life. I'm only sorry that you didn't do this years ago.

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 04:33 PM

2. Get away safely hope there is help locally

No expert but it is obvious you have no responsibility for your spouses ill deeds-so please don't carry that burden.

You are very brave for asking for help-Hope the Repukes have not banned or starved the local services that you need.

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 04:52 PM

3. Oh, my dear.

There’s are resources for you. Please start at a women’s crisis center. If you’re unsure where, start at Planned Parenthood. They could at least get you started.
It’s a tough road to be on. Do you have any friends you could talk to? What about your kids? They lived with him. They might understand more than you think.
The good news is you can get out of the backseat and reclaim your life. I’ll be thinking of you, sweetie.

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 05:03 PM

4. Please don't blame yourself! 🌷

It must be frightening, but as others have posted, there are crisis centers for you. I am sending you love 😍😍😍😍

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 05:48 PM

5. Definitely find someone to talk to, is there a woman's crisis center near you? I found

One that was helpful when going through a divorce from my first husband. Found them in the phone book. Yeah, it was a long time ago. If you have a university near you, try there. They often have students who trade counseling services for experience. They will also know of resources for you.

Good luck, and hugs.



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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 05:52 PM

6. first of all, you will be okay.

it sounds terrible.
i would say check your state's dept of aging.
also, i didnt use these guys when i got divorced, but it's a place to start-
https://thelilactree.org/

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 06:08 PM

7. it is scary, I know



don't give up... there are shelters for women in need and other help...



https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Wed Nov 20, 2019, 09:49 PM

8. One foot in front of the other, repeat. You deserve better. Get away from the source of

Problems so you can start to rebuild. Good advice above. Remember, people care about you.

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Thu Nov 21, 2019, 07:00 AM

9. Stop kicking yourself. Consider reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes or Care of the Soul

There are beautiful noble things inside you that motivated your choices.

I once read The Reenchantmemt of Everyday Living. It was like water pouring into a desert. Found the joys of Jungian thinking. Gave me a desire to live again and the ability to be happy in the rain

Carl Jung said when a friend went through a divorce or lost a job, he told them “Come over! We can share a bottle of wine to celebrate your good fortune, because now good things are bound to happen.” Also, “show me where a man’s biggest pain is today, and I’ll show you where his biggest growth will be tomorrow.”

Life is not over. You may be surprised to find something wonderful in a little while.

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Response to Backseat Driver (Original post)

Sat Nov 30, 2019, 02:57 PM

10. Keep looking

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. I'm still getting over a 23 year relationship, it is painful and difficult to get help. But I found a counselor for myself to learn about myself and how it happened. It was in some ways grief counseling too, I am grieving the loss of this relationship. I'm working on myself now and learning a lot. Some places like a county community counseling center do a sliding pay scale on your ability to pay. I wish you the best of luck. Please let us know how you're doing at some point.

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