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Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:32 PM

My mother passed this morning...her memory lives on and gives me strength...I love you mom!

In the age of COVID-19, our family's suffering and story is not unique; and the fact that it is not unique makes it worse.
A lot worse. I thank all who are part of this community that read these thoughts and emotions and cannot express the thanks in my soul for such people and the comfort their empathy and compassion provides in this dark day for me.

There was no bed-side vigil, or final goodbyes in person, or around her hospital bed at the end. A positive COVID-19 test last week was the last shoe to drop in a losing fight that had been growing increasingly grim all year, permanently sealing 2020 in my memory as the worst year of my nearly 50 on this Earth. Being in the hospital was rough enough, with quarantines and policies necessary to protect the workers and staff and patients from an out of control outbreak...I understand the needs and the reasons and the horror of the entire situation, but I am still living the uncertainty, the feelings of powerlessness and doubt and the fear of my father's pending test results. I have been grieving and dreading today for a long time; but in the end, when the finality hits your heart and rends you into an uncontrollable sob because of a random memory, there are no words or comfort that assuages the pain or dulls the loss in that moment. Grief comes to us all in unique forms and durations, but we are all eventually to share in this feeling. I am vacillating between Anger and Depression now. I've been sad for days in anticipation of what we knew was inevitable before Halloween. Its terrible arrival is no comfort or release, only waves of emotion and sadness.

COVID dominated the last 9 months for my family - from the tortured journey my parents embarked on to get home (outside of Chicago) from Florida at the height of the initial outbreak in late-March; to the fear of contraction during my mother's continuing treatments for returned (and aggressive) tumors in May, to the last month of hospitals, rehab attempts and transfers. Mom was afraid of contracting it in her immuno-compromised condition, dad was scared he would be a carrier and infect mom in her weakened condition, my siblings and myself and all of the grandchildren were forced to stay away and to only communicate from afar - via phones and facetime and coldly clinical technology. I will forever feel robbed, not cheated by death and its inevitability or hurtful finality...those are the same for us all, varying only in intensity and duration...but cheated by a virus and by a society torn apart for reasons that will never make sense to me, not now, not next year, not ever. Not when the virus is eventually subdued, not when life returns to 'normal' or whatever comes to pass for 'normal' in time.

I will feel cheated and robbed of those moments forever; and that pain will not subside, nor will the seared memory of the fact that it might have turned out differently. I will NOT soil this remembrance of my mother and her life and her love of family with the names of those I believe in my soul are at least partly responsible for the amplification of pain my family - and so many more families touched by COVID or simply denied closure and comfort by its spread and nefarious nature, are experiencing. That is a wound that will never heal; and a responsibility that can never be forgiven on this Earth. I will do my level best to struggle through this, and will lean on my family and support to dull its edge and get it put into a place that does not dominate my thoughts; but that day is not today and that desired outcome feels very distant in this moment. Its very raw, very acidic, very present today and will be for some time to come.

I am consciously refusing to give the hate and anger and rage bubbling in my psyche any traction right now. It is an exhausting effort because every fiber of me wants to scream and rage and howl at the moon and the wall and the TV that this is not fair, this is not just, this is not the way it was supposed to be. And even as this struggle burns on, in the quiet times between anger and upset, between sadness and helplessness...there are moments of peace, remembrance and the undying, eternal love that my mother had for her family, my dad, my sister and brother, myself and all of her 9 grandchildren.

Mom fought an incredibly brave fight with cancer for nearly 20 years. There was despair and near certainty in me 19 years ago when we first heard the diagnosis: Cancer. Aggressive, invasive tumors. Immediate surgery and treatments are necessary. At the time, we were fearful that what had happened to her mother (dying too young from cancer in her 40's) was about to happen once more, that a horrible familial history would have its rhyme and for no reason. Grandma was only with us for a very short time in my life, passing away while I was an infant, and succumbing to the same cancer that struck mom. But mom fought through it, she recovered once and then again, and again, and again, and again, and again...until the very end - fighting and enduring pain and discomfort in a body that could no longer contain or carry her spirit.

She went through too many rounds of remission and recurrence in all over the past 18 years, chemotherapy and surgeries, up until the end when she was part of an experimental treatment protocol from May to October of this year. Mom succumbed to cancer this morning, she had given everything possible and leaves us with a lifetime of memories and decades of borrowed time that I am forever thankful for... Mom has physically left this world, but the lessons and love that she leaves behind will remain and persist even beyond my own time here. There are a million stories of her racing in my head today, but they are for future memories and re-livings in better times, amidst friends and family and in better, brighter days.

It is fitting to me that today is overcast, and autumnal. The view out the window fits my emotions and envelopes them completely. My mother's fight and pain are over, and this will take a long time to lessen...but her life and the memories and unconditional love left with those who knew her best and closest will carry on and will light the way until we find a brighter day in the future.

Rest in peace mom, your fight gave us all so many gifts and irreplaceable memories that we are eternally grateful for.
I love you Bubba, and always will...

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Reply My mother passed this morning...her memory lives on and gives me strength...I love you mom! (Original post)
Moostache Nov 2020 OP
underpants Nov 2020 #1
BusyBeingBest Nov 2020 #2
CottonBear Nov 2020 #3
LineReply .
Laelth Nov 2020 #4
pdxflyboy Nov 2020 #5
Bayard Nov 2020 #6
luvs2sing Nov 2020 #7
PunksMom Nov 2020 #8
niyad Nov 2020 #9
CentralMass Nov 2020 #10
Backseat Driver Nov 2020 #11
mercuryblues Nov 2020 #12
mercuryblues Nov 2020 #13
soothsayer Nov 2020 #14
58Sunliner Nov 2020 #15
dixiegrrrrl Nov 2020 #16
sinkingfeeling Nov 2020 #17
CatMor Nov 2020 #18
blm Nov 2020 #19
SheltieLover Nov 2020 #20
ancianita Nov 2020 #21
StaunchDemocrat1957 Nov 2020 #22
JudyM Nov 2020 #23
lunatica Nov 2020 #24
iluvtennis Nov 2020 #25
chowder66 Nov 2020 #26
people Nov 2020 #27
srose58089 Nov 2020 #28
SaveOurDemocracy Nov 2020 #29
japple Nov 2020 #30
lillypaddle Nov 2020 #31
bronxiteforever Nov 2020 #32
Alacritous Crier Nov 2020 #33
irisblue Nov 2020 #34
alwaysinasnit Nov 2020 #35
Karadeniz Nov 2020 #36
Sherman A1 Nov 2020 #37
flibbitygiblets Nov 2020 #38
yellerpup Nov 2020 #39
NurseJackie Nov 2020 #40
Blue_playwright Nov 2020 #41
Leith Nov 2020 #42
SayItLoud Nov 2020 #43
Harker Nov 2020 #44
Old Crow Nov 2020 #45
Solly Mack Nov 2020 #46
tavernier Nov 2020 #47
vishnura Nov 2020 #48
Heartstrings Nov 2020 #49
BComplex Nov 2020 #50
Skittles Nov 2020 #51
LiberalLoner Nov 2020 #52
babylonsister Nov 2020 #53

Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:34 PM

1. ❤️

Iím so sorry.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:35 PM

2. Bless you and your family--I'm very sorry.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:36 PM

3. I am so very sorry.

Your mother was so loved. Your tribute to her is beautiful.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:37 PM

4. .



-Laelth

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:38 PM

5. I am very sorry for your loss, Moostache.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:39 PM

6. Sad and sorry, dear Moostache

It is so hard to lose loved ones. Take care of yourself, and your family.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:42 PM

7. I am so very sorry.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:44 PM

8. You have my deepest sympathy

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:48 PM

9. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:48 PM

10. My condolences to you and your family on your loss.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:49 PM

11. Time passes - Thank goodness that love abides and forgives.

I'm so sorry for your so-very-vulnerably revealed loss; may you find comfort.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)


Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:52 PM

13. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom.

You are right, when my Mom passed years ago, we were able to be with her, holding her hand. This virus has denied us time. Time spent with our family members when they need us the most. Our loved ones dying, when without the added burden of the virus, would have had more time with us. Time is infinite, yet limited. Time passes, but goes on. Time is a gift that we have been robbed of.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:55 PM

14. May her memory be a blessing

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 02:56 PM

15. I'm so glad you have good memories and a legacy of unconditional love.

That is priceless.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:06 PM

16. I am so sorry about your Mon's passing.



esp. the horrific circumstances that kept all of you away from her side.

that's not an easily mended grief in any circumstance.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:07 PM

17. My deepest condolences.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:11 PM

18. So sorry for your loss ... It is so hard when you lose Mom.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:12 PM

19. ((Moos))

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:24 PM

20. Deepest condolences to you and your family, Moostache

I am so saddened to hear of your mother's passing. Your tribute to her here is lovely.

Why not allow yourself to be angry? Take some ice cubes outside or in the garage or basement and throw them at the sidewalk or driveway with the intention of releasing the anger you feel. Punch a pillow. Do more journaling, stream-of-consciousness, cursing the cancer and covid.

There is no one right way to grieve and no time frame for grief.

I am very glad to know that you have a solid support structure in place to help you though this most difficult time. No matter how much we might know what is coming, nothing fully prepares us for the finality of death.

Perhaps you might reach out to a hospice organization for bereavement counseling? Most offer 13 months of free counseling to support surviving loved ones through the "year of firsts."

Please remember to be kind to yourself. Eat, sleep, and breathe deeply to center yourself amidst your pain.

We are here if you need us, Moostache.

Healing vibes on the way to you.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:40 PM

21. ...

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:50 PM

22. Im So Sorry For Your Loss!

May your Mother R.I.P.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:54 PM

23. So very sorry for this anguish

It is not fair, no question.

For your mom

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 03:56 PM

24. A heartfelt and tearful hug to you and your family



My mom died 10 years ago and my only son died 6 years ago. It is the toughest time for us who survive.

This was a beautiful elegy to honor her.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:00 PM

25. MY heart goes out to you. May your mom rest in peace.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:07 PM

26. My sincere condolences to you and your family during this difficult time. nt

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:09 PM

27. Your mom

Your writing about your mom is beautiful. She gave you so very much and you have shared that with us. It will take much much time for the pain to lessen, but your mom clearly is always with you. Take care now of yourself and your family.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:10 PM

28. Covid sucks for eveyone

One of my best friends lost her father to Covid in March. She could not be with him are talk to him . Sorry for you loss.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:14 PM

29. ((((((((((((Moustache)))))))))))) Sending my sympathy and love to you and yours. 💞


Losing a loved family member, or a close friend is so sad and difficult.

A Mother is a whole different level of loss.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:18 PM

30. Bless you and your family in this time of sorrow. May you feel the love your mother had for you

holding you together and comforting you, and may you find peace in your memories. I am so sorry for your loss.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:18 PM

31. So hard to lose a parent

Especially a Mom, I think. Deepest sympathy to you and your family. May she rest in peace.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:23 PM

32. I am so sorry. Take care.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:24 PM

33. Condolences.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:26 PM

34. 🕯️I am so sorry

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:28 PM

35. What beautiful thoughts in tribute to a brave and loving mother. Thank you for sharing and know

that our DU community can feel the heartache of your loss.

RIP Mama Moostache.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:31 PM

36. That is a beautiful testimony to a child's love and its expression frustrated by cruelty and

Incompetence at the highest level. You, your mother, your father didn't deserve this. I'm so sorry for your loss... And too many others will be placed in this same situation.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:31 PM

37. My Condolences on Your loss

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:31 PM

38. Big hugs to you, Moostache

You are not alone.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:32 PM

39. Tight hugs, Moostache.

I'm so sorry you lost your mom.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:34 PM

40. I'm very sorry. Thanks for sharing her story with us...

... what a lovely tribute.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:47 PM

41. I'm so sorry.

I miss my mom every day. Hang in there.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:49 PM

42. I lost my mom a couple years ago

I'm now to the point where I can think of her and smile while still blinking back the tears.

My sympathies.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:49 PM

43. Your mom, your family, your friends, and everyone

who reads your sharing caring loving hurting post KNOWS you, YOU, are what makes families special.
Thank you for your deep heartfelt sharing. It has put me closer to this day and this life and what is really important.
Sending you, your dad and family positive waves of energy, strength and love. Peace.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 04:52 PM

44. She's safe in your heart and memories

and surely those of many others.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 05:03 PM

45. My condolences to you and your family.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 05:08 PM

46. I'm so sorry.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 05:19 PM

47. So very sorry

Difficult, painful time, I know.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 05:19 PM

48. Sorry to hear about your loss. May she rest in peace.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 05:30 PM

49. My condolences....

May she peacefully rest forever in your heart.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 06:02 PM

50. So so sorry for your loss, Moostache. What a heart-breaking time for you and your family.



May your mom rest in peace.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Tue Nov 10, 2020, 11:58 PM

51. 20 years, wow

she must have been one tough gal

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Wed Nov 11, 2020, 07:31 AM

52. My deepest condolences to you. May the angels watch over you and your family.

Iím so sorry.

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Response to Moostache (Original post)

Wed Nov 11, 2020, 08:23 AM

53. What a heartwrenching tribute.

I am so very sorry for your loss and the circumstances that enabled it. I know this is hollow, but your mom is at peace now. I hope you take comfort from your memories, and thank you for sharing.

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