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Thu Sep 10, 2015, 12:41 PM

I hope I'm not the last to go

I thought of that at my aunt's funeral mass this morning. I hope to be around a long while but I hope I'm not the last to go. Doing the math is have to go through another 20 funerals at the least.

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Arrow 7 replies Author Time Post
Reply I hope I'm not the last to go (Original post)
47of74 Sep 2015 OP
anniebelle Dec 2015 #1
auntAgonist Dec 2015 #2
anniebelle Dec 2015 #4
orleans Dec 2015 #3
anniebelle Dec 2015 #5
orleans Dec 2015 #6
anniebelle Dec 2015 #7

Response to 47of74 (Original post)

Wed Dec 2, 2015, 10:20 AM

1. I share your feelings.

Sorry for just reading your post, but I'm just now getting to the bereavement section of DU. I have buried my father, he was killed in WWII when I was only 4 months old; my Mother, who grieved for my father until she died in my arms at 82 years old. My son, who was born with severe brain damage and never matured over the age of six months but lived on in constant pain until he was 38. My brother, who died in my arms at 69 from the ravages of colon cancer. So, that only leaves me (and my 7 rescue cats). I look at the pictures on my bedroom wall and realize I'm the only one still 'here'. I wish I could rejoice in that fact, but I am in a constant state of depression, especially this time of year. I'm sorry you're the one I've chosen to tell all this to, but some days, it is just too overwhelming to be alive. So, I guess it's too late for me to not be 'the last to go'. Thanks for reading, if you do.

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Response to anniebelle (Reply #1)

Wed Dec 2, 2015, 11:06 AM

2. This time of year is very hard for so many of us and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your

days I hope, will get better. Please know that there are people here who care and always have the time to 'listen'


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Response to auntAgonist (Reply #2)

Fri Dec 4, 2015, 07:04 AM

4. Thanks!

I really appreciate being able to tell someone about being the 'last to go'. I know I should appreciate being alive and having a roof over my head and food on my table, and it makes me feel so selfish to have this constant nagging death wish. I think more than anything, being a life-long Democrat and seeing what's happening to our country and to the world, just leaves me in a state of constant hopelessness. Anyway, I'm very thankful that you took your time to read my post.

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Response to anniebelle (Reply #1)

Thu Dec 3, 2015, 04:15 AM

3. i'm reading your post


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Response to orleans (Reply #3)

Fri Dec 4, 2015, 07:05 AM

5. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

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Response to anniebelle (Reply #5)

Sat Dec 5, 2015, 02:59 AM

6. dear anniebelle

i didn't mean to sound flip or cold when i replied to you the other night. (i am concerned that i may have given you the wrong impression.) i most definitely meant to send you that hug.

i started writing several things and backspaced to erase them--struggling to find the right words. and, finally, i decided no words were right--just a hug.

but now, it's earlier in the evening, and i'm more coherent than i was at two in the morning so let me say that your post brought tears to my eyes, that i'm so sorry you have lost so much and that you are as alone as are, that i'm glad you have rescued and take care of your furry companions, and that my heart is heavy and i empathize with what you are going through.

i, too, continue to struggle with my grief, and i know how absolutely deep that well of darkness gets. while i so often feel alone and isolated, i do have my daughter and my little doglet, and a couple friends i can talk to. i guess i tend to isolate myself rather than reach out to them. i'm not sure why but i would guess i don't want to "burden" them more than i absolutely *have* to, i feel i have poured my heart out to them enough these past six years since i lost my mom, and that, in some strange way, my sorrow and grief has begun to turn more inward--as if it is more private now. and i can just imagine/hear my mother saying to me: "you are in a serious state of depression" and perhaps i am.

and that kind of sounds like a place you might be as well. and i am so very sorry.

so the other night, i read your post and i cried, and felt i could offer you nothing--i had no uplifting words, no advice, no solution, no salvation ... and in my mind i put my arms around you and cried along with you. and at the time i just couldn't seem to put it into words.

and i have thought of you between then and now, with sadness and with love, and i'll be thinking of you again and hoping there are mornings and nighttimes that you find peace and comfort, where you smile, and sing, and temporarily forget what brings the sadness. (i wish that for me as well--for all of us here.)

after reading your reply to kesha i will offer up a small bit of advice--turn off the damn news. it's a drain on your energy and it's never positive (which, i suppose, is what makes it "news worthy". for several years after i lost my mom i stopped all news. i didn't have the heart for it, couldn't do a thing about it, and i was broken enough without it beating me up day after day and making me feel worse than i already felt. and while being out of the loop as far as news and politics went obviously didn't "cure" me from my depression, i feel that i eliminated something that otherwise would have contributed to me feeling worse. when i wanted to watch tv and just veg out i realized sitcoms didn't make me start feeling anxious or distressed so i stuck to those. mostly i still do.

sometimes i feel like it would help me so very much if someone would just tell me "it's going to be okay" -- i think even if it's not okay now, it *will* be...eventually it *will* be. and on those extremely rare occasions when someone actually does tell me that it makes me feel a bit better, a bit relieved, a bit assured.

i don't know if those words will have the same effect on you, but just in case--i want to tell you...

anniebelle, it's going to be okay.
i promise.

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Response to orleans (Reply #6)

Sat Dec 5, 2015, 08:00 AM

7. Thanks, orleans

I do not watch television any more, not since my Mother died in 2002. I agree wholeheartedly the 'news' is but bait to rile up the infirm and haters in this world, with no regard to facts or to make an effort to 'fix' the wrongs, but I am on my computer daily and it's hard not to see the horrors. I am an animal rights activist and have been for years so I am inundated with horror stories on that front also. As the Emmylou Harris song goes, "But one thing they don't tell you about the blues ~ When you got em, You keep on falling cause there ain't no bottom. There ain't no end." I wish I could believe that this too shall pass and it's going to be o.k. (I'm not even sure I even remember what o.k. is), but I try starting my day, every day, taking care of my duties to my animals and to myself and try to keep looking ahead and not to the past and the atrocities of the future ~ BUT it's oh so hard. I truly do appreciate your taking your time to think of me and wish you the best too.

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