HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Topics » Support Groups » Bereavement (Group) » my most difficult journey...

Mon Jan 19, 2015, 01:38 AM

my most difficult journey is the path i've been traveling since i lost you

"The heart of grief, its most difficult challenge, is not "letting go" of those who have died but instead making the transition from loving in presence to loving in separation."
---- Thomas Attig

i would think this applies to anyone:

from "grief speaks out" on fb:

"The dead don't die. They look on and help."
D.H. Lawrence

my friend thinks i have complicated grief disorder (?? maybe i do)


9 replies, 7405 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 9 replies Author Time Post
Reply my most difficult journey is the path i've been traveling since i lost you (Original post)
orleans Jan 2015 OP
CaliforniaPeggy Jan 2015 #1
JDPriestly Jan 2015 #2
Paper Roses Jan 2015 #3
orleans Jan 2015 #5
KMOD Jan 2015 #4
SoapBox Jan 2015 #6
orleans Jan 2015 #7
SoapBox Jan 2015 #8
orleans Jan 2015 #9

Response to orleans (Original post)

Mon Jan 19, 2015, 01:50 AM

1. Thank you for this lovely post, my dear orleans...

I have a very close friend who will most likely die before I do. Your quotes are very helpful for the grief I know I will feel...


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to orleans (Original post)

Mon Jan 19, 2015, 04:01 AM

2. K&R. This says it so beautifully.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to orleans (Original post)

Mon Jan 19, 2015, 06:14 AM

3. Every quote hits home.

I will never be the same, will never be able to cope. Sometimes I feel existence is just too much for me to handle. Day by day is the only way I can cope. After 45 years of sharing, it is hard to find energy to go forward with any enthusiasm. Half my life died when my husband died to suddenly. Never had a chance to thank him for being the most important thing to happen to me.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to Paper Roses (Reply #3)

Mon Jan 19, 2015, 03:29 PM

5. i don't want to mess with your belief system but i am so compelled to tell you:

he knows. he knows, he knows, he knows!
he knows how you feel--he knows how important he was to you.
keep telling him, say it out loud, he will hear you. he knows and his soul has always known.


when i was little i was playing one afternoon when i turned around and saw a relative of mine who had died, probably six months or a year prior. she smiled, she gestured, she spoke to me, she was not floaty or transparent--she was sitting down, and she scared the crap out of me. i hysterically ran upstairs to tell my mom and grandma that my grandma's sister was downstairs! i was so traumatized i didn't remember this for 8 years, but i never went to the basement alone again.

and i was so freaked out by it that my mom and grandma never doubted what i told them (when i was older & my mom would tell this story to someone she'd say i looked like i had seen a ghost, and she'd smile at the irony of the expression--but apparently i was "as white as a sheet" after it happened.)

for years & years & years my mom and i tried to figure out why my great aunt had come to me--i hardly knew her, didn't have any particular attachment to her, etc. so why me?

only within the last few years, after my mom passed, did it dawn on me that maybe she came to me for two reasons: 1. that i was young enough to still see "spirits" and 2. because she wanted to let her sister/my grandma (who she used to go to psychics & mediums with back in their younger days) know that it was all true--we do live on, we don't die.

so, just based on my personal experience with the afterlife, i just wanted to say to you--he does know. he knows every day. (again, just my personal belief--but i hope it helps a bit. i'm still so messed up after losing my mother--in spite of this afterlife belief i have--i miss her in the "now" i want her back in the "now" and therein lies my agony.)

take care, paper roses.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to orleans (Original post)

Mon Jan 19, 2015, 02:31 PM

4. Those are beautiful, orleans


I think grieving is different for everyone. I can't tell you if you have complicated grief disorder. I still mourn after 20 years, so maybe I do to? I guess it depends on how much it's affecting your life?

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to orleans (Original post)

Fri Jan 23, 2015, 01:26 PM

6. I don't need a special day...

My heart is broken as my dear Mom...my best friend...passed last night at 93.

I feel so bad.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to SoapBox (Reply #6)

Sat Jan 24, 2015, 12:49 AM

7. oh my god--i am so, so very sorry

it's been over five years since my mom/my best friend passed and my heart is still broken.

i wish i could take your hand or give you a hug. or words of comfort.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to orleans (Reply #7)

Sun Jan 25, 2015, 02:41 AM

8. Thank you orleans...

Yesterday, Friday, was awful...at least I got some sleep last night...not being completely mentally and physically drained helped today some...but the tears kept coming.

My niece took her mother (my sister) out of the house shopping for a couple hours today...thank goodness. I was then able to sit in Mom's room and tell her again (and again and again) how much I love her and that I so wish she could come home...her fall accident makes me sick to my stomach and I am so very sorry that happened...she was in horrific pain when I was able to get to her in Emergency.

I got to straighten her clothes and did most of her laundry...we will have to pick out one of her beautiful, bejeweled tops (from QVC shopping channel...she loved the compliments she got ) for her to wear...we have an appointment with a mortuary at 11A on Sunday, to begin the process of getting her out of the hospital and eventually getting her from Los Angeles to Portland, OR for a reunion with Dad. I've already got a whole stack of stuff to include with her for her trip...Make up bag, comb, rain bonnet...just things she might need. She was sharp as a tack at almost 94 and always worried about her make up and hair.

I have a feeling that I'll be back to the group...I know this is going take a long time.

I love you Mom...just had to say it again.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Response to SoapBox (Reply #8)

Sun Jan 25, 2015, 03:36 AM

9. i'm sure she hears you every time you tell her you love her, and when you talk to her

i say it out loud to my mom every day, along with a host of conversational bits and pieces, and sometimes entire conversations; i tell her i miss her every day. (and i'm very woo woo about this whole process--i look/watch for signs from her all the time. i've been getting her powder/perfume scent every night for the past week when i'm watching tv--i don't know why, but i'm guessing she's just letting me know she's here and near me, but i'm not sure why. maybe just to comfort?)

those early days/weeks/months can be tremendously foggy.

the entire experience has sucked for me. for the past five years.

i remember trying so hard to be strong & "practical" and "realistic" at first (thinking: she's gone. that's that. even though the first night my adult daughter thought she saw my mom in her peripheral vision while we were hugging in the kitchen and when she told me i snapped & said: don't tell me that! i don't want to hear it! because i thought it was too much like a fairytale & the reality was too devastating for me to believe something that implied she wasn't completely gone. then the next night my daughter saw an orb in the living room.)

it might have been a couple weeks later when i was leaning down to plug in some christmas lights, that all this emotion just began to pour out of me. i thought how can you love someone your entire life & then just stop? or if you don't stop where do you direct that love? where was i supposed to put it now? it was love i had for her and she wasn't here anymore for me to love. and then i realized i could keep feeling that love and direct it to her, wherever she was. maybe she'd feel it/know it. so i stopped trying to bottle up the emotion. and after that, i began getting "signs" from her (which i've posted about in this group probably ad nauseam).

i had to keep working for six weeks after she passed before i could take some time off. i had to be mentally present, had to function, had to not cry too much so my eyes wouldn't swell up. maybe that is part of the reason i'm still such a mess--because i had to wait too long to fall apart. i don't know.

anyway, i'm wishing you all the best in this most difficult time.

in spite of all the heartache, all the sorrow, the millions of tears, i think it is simply amazing how much we are capable of loving someone. and the degree to which someone can be loved. when love is that strong, that intense, it doesn't die--i think it stretches out through the dimensions of time and space and connects the one we love to us. they may pass from our view but i don't think they go far. especially if we were so important to them.

(i apologize if my woo view goes against your way of thinking. if it does, then just take it with a grain of salt--as the expression goes. i'm sharing it only with the best of intentions. regardless of how many steps we take, or how fast or slow we proceed, you are not alone on this path.)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread