How would you handle this?

[Bay Boy]

I just found out from my son, who is now in his mid 30s, that he was psychologically abused at a church when he was 12.
Here's the story:
He was invited to go to vacation bible school with a friend and neighbor. The neighbor boy told him there would be games and 'stuff'. Sounding like fun to a 12 year old he wanted to go and as I recall I had no issue with him going and being exposed to 'churchy' stuff. (family status; wife is a non practicing Catholic, I am an atheist)
After getting there someone my son described as being 'high up' in the church asked him who he was and what church he was with. He responded that he didn't go to any church. This adult male then took my son into a room and forced him to read the bible and take a test. When he didn't get all the questions right he had to re-read it and retake the test until he got them all right. My son told me this went on for quite a while. After he finally 'passed' the test they performed some ritual on him.
I didn't ask my son what ritual but I would assume something along the lines of a baptism.

This was over 15 years ago and having just found out about it today it pisses me off.

Would you do anything about this at this late date?

[Mr.Bill]

1. How does your son feel about it today?

I don't really know what you could do about it.

[GeorgeGist]

2. Your son is old enough to do what he feels needs to be done ...

if anything.

[demigoddess]

3. let your son decide.

every time my kids accepted such an invitation, it left them more atheistic than before. He might see it as seeing their true colors, and it's a good thing.

[Cartoonist]

4. I would definitely confront the church.

But only if your son wanted that. Give him time to consider that it may be healing or an unpleasant return.

[Mbrow]

5. I know this isn't right

But my first thought was to talk to someone with a baseball bat, that is flat out child abuse..

[Hoppy]

6. If the asshole is still involved in the church, you may/might confront him to express your

displeasure with his action. This might prevent abuse of other kids.

Anything beyond that is your son's decision. He is now an adult.

[Freelancer]

7. Maybe they made him a freemason :) Seriously, though...

He's a man now. It's pretty much up to him what gets done about it, if anything. It's probable that not telling you about it has gnawed at him more than the event itself. He may have finally told you to get rid of that pain -- not because he wants you to do anything.

[Bay Boy]

8. To all who said...

Last edited Thu Mar 31, 2016, 01:00 PM - Edit history (1)

...I should leave it up to my son, I agree. It's just this being a new revelation to me it put me in 'Dad of a 12 year old' mode and I was wanting to protect the 12 year old boy who has long since grown up.

A follow up story: Several years later my son went to spend the night with this same boy. The next day the dad said he was going to take them out for breakfast. But instead of going for breakfast he took them to church (a different church because they were now in a new town). My son called home home asking for a ride home and hid in the bathroom till my wife got there. We didn't know the significance of this at the time but it is now obvious that it was because of his previously being traumatized. This makes me wonder if the dad had any part in the first story I mentioned.

If the first church guy's plan was to encourage my son to become more religious that certainly back fired.

[progressoid]

9. Wow, that is seriously fucked up.

[Freelancer]

10. People who think they have a mission from God often take things upon themselves

Beware of know-it-alls of every persuasion.

Once at a family reunion, my grandmother mentioned that she had messed-up her back. My cousin -- a wanna-be chiropractor -- snuck up behind her, grabbed her, and attempted to pop her vertebrae. She screamed. She could hardly straighten-up for months. My cousin was mortified that she'd caused my grandma even more pain. She said that she was SO sure she knew what needed to be done, that she felt compelled to act. I suspect this father you're talking about is of the same ilk. In his mind, he wasn't inflicting anything on your son, but trying to relieve affliction. He's probably deluded enough to think that your son will walk up and thank him someday in heaven.

It sounds like your son is sturdy, and came through this alright -- possibly even with a better understanding of the natures of some of those around him. I wonder, though, how many other children -- now adults -- there are to whom the same was done by this man.