Welcome to DU! The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards. Join the community: Create a free account Support DU (and get rid of ads!): Become a Star Member All Forums Issue Forums Culture Forums Alliance Forums Region Forums Support Forums Help & Search

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 07:26 PM Nov 2012

Using s/o's religious beliefs to comfort them when they're grieving.

Obviously they don't want to hear our opinions regarding heaven, etc. but it seems to help to remind them of what they believe.

Bf's grandmother is dying and it's been a horrible 2 days.

24 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Using s/o's religious beliefs to comfort them when they're grieving. (Original Post) beam me up scottie Nov 2012 OP
I don't think that's a bad thing kdmorris Nov 2012 #1
Had to stop and remind myself that none of this is about me. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #2
I am so sorry you and his family are going through this n/t kdmorris Nov 2012 #22
I do this all the time. Curmudgeoness Nov 2012 #3
Thanks, my distaste for religion has been a point of contention with his family. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #5
You said it well...it isn't about you. Curmudgeoness Nov 2012 #8
Sometimes giving comfort means telling them what they want to hear. Jokerman Nov 2012 #4
You did good. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #6
After my mom died, months later, Curmudgeoness Nov 2012 #10
Yeah. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #12
Nothing good can come from telling a dying person his or her MineralMan Nov 2012 #7
Whoa, there! beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #9
Sorry. I wasn't saying that you were doing any such thing. MineralMan Nov 2012 #11
Oh, ok. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #13
We were raised agnostic and we grieved my dad without religious mumblings. Warren Stupidity Nov 2012 #14
While that is true, beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #15
I'm not criticizing your situation. Warren Stupidity Nov 2012 #16
Got it! beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #17
It's tough. trotsky Nov 2012 #18
Thanks, trotsky. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #19
Lost my wife not long ago. Honest_Abe Nov 2012 #20
I am so sorry. beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #21
Thanks. I miss her terribly. Honest_Abe Nov 2012 #24
. progressoid Nov 2012 #23

kdmorris

(5,649 posts)
1. I don't think that's a bad thing
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:39 PM
Nov 2012

Luckily, my husband is also an atheist, but anything you can do to ease a loved one's pain is a good thing, in my opinion.

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
2. Had to stop and remind myself that none of this is about me.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:45 PM
Nov 2012

His family is seriously fubar and none of them have noticed how much this is hurting him.

But I see his pain, I feel it, I get it.

Curmudgeoness

(18,219 posts)
3. I do this all the time.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:50 PM
Nov 2012

Most of the people that I know are believers, so they seem to find solace in god and heaven and seeing their loved ones again. I don't go gushy on it, but I do tell them to lean on god and find peace in it. When people believe, they can find that it helps to think that god is there supporting them.

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
5. Thanks, my distaste for religion has been a point of contention with his family.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:08 PM
Nov 2012

He isn't religious at all but does believe in heaven -sort of.

Reminding him that his grandmother is in excruciating pain and she would soon be at peace wasn't enough, I just hope I'm helping him.

Curmudgeoness

(18,219 posts)
8. You said it well...it isn't about you.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:25 PM
Nov 2012

And there are times that nothing can help. We have to go through the grief. Don't feel as if it is your job to make it easier for him. Just be there.

Jokerman

(3,517 posts)
4. Sometimes giving comfort means telling them what they want to hear.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:55 PM
Nov 2012

My mom was the only religious member of my family. She was raised a catholic but had to choose between her religion and divorcing an abusive husband. She never really gave up her faith but the experience soured her on organized religion and caused her to raise her children as non-religious, free-thinking people.

When the doctors told us that she was dying I asked for a priest to administer the last rights. It meant nothing to me or my sisters but I knew she would have wanted it that way.

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
6. You did good.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:11 PM
Nov 2012

Atheists deal with death differently, when my mom died people didn't know what to say to comfort me, they never realized that I didn't want or need that kind of comfort.

Curmudgeoness

(18,219 posts)
10. After my mom died, months later,
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:30 PM
Nov 2012

I ran into an acquaintance who has a mental deficiency and people do not look kindly on him. He said he was sorry to hear about my mom, and then asked me if I was ok. You know, not one person had asked me if I was doing ok, and that meant the world to me. No religion, no gush, just a simple question that showed that he realized there was pain involved.

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
12. Yeah.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:35 PM
Nov 2012

I remember those people.

They see you, they don't avert their eyes or fumble around for the right thing to say.

MineralMan

(146,192 posts)
7. Nothing good can come from telling a dying person his or her
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:24 PM
Nov 2012

religious beliefs are wrong. Why would anyone do that?

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
9. Whoa, there!
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:30 PM
Nov 2012

Who said I was doing such a thing?

I am glad to say I don't know anyone who would.

Bf's grandmother is dying, not bf!

 

Warren Stupidity

(48,181 posts)
14. We were raised agnostic and we grieved my dad without religious mumblings.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 10:18 PM
Nov 2012

I think that is when I transitioned from not thinking much about religion ( a none) to overt atheism, and in doing so gained a deeper appreciation for the conscious decisions my parents made in raising their children.

Grief is about coping with loss, and in my opinion religion denies the reality of loss. The religious don't accept that death is real, they invent stories for us to believe instead. Those stories obscure a more profound understanding of what it is to be human.

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
15. While that is true,
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 10:25 PM
Nov 2012

I do think that some people are so badly damaged that ripping that band aid off could kill them.

 

Warren Stupidity

(48,181 posts)
16. I'm not criticizing your situation.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 10:28 PM
Nov 2012

I was just taking the opportunity to give a different perspective and to publicly thank my parents for what they did.

trotsky

(49,533 posts)
18. It's tough.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 10:42 PM
Nov 2012

You don't want to lie or be insincere, but at the same time, they're going through a tough time.

I don't really have any specific advice, just reiterate that you are there for them.

beam me up scottie

(57,349 posts)
19. Thanks, trotsky.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 11:34 PM
Nov 2012

Seeing her suffer so much has done him in, but I gotta give him credit, he wants to be there for her and his mom.

Honest_Abe

(155 posts)
20. Lost my wife not long ago.
Mon Nov 12, 2012, 11:46 PM
Nov 2012

She wasn't a churchgoer, but near the end it was clear she wanted some comfort from religion. So I called in some pastors I knew and even participated in some prayer services. It gave her comfort, and I feel no sense of hypocrisy over it. I would have done pretty much anything to make her feel better.

Honest_Abe

(155 posts)
24. Thanks. I miss her terribly.
Tue Nov 13, 2012, 07:01 PM
Nov 2012

But I think in a real sense that I am better off grieving for the loss, rather than spending my days longing for the for the day when, as so many try to tell me, "You'll be together again."

Latest Discussions»Alliance Forums»Atheists & Agnostics»Using s/o's religious bel...