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Fri Dec 28, 2018, 01:39 AM

Abbot & Costelllo in the 21st Century

Found on Facebook
Contributed by Gary Trial, 10/2003


ABBOTT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. Iím setting up a home office in the den and Iím thinking of buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I donít own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I donít know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: OK. What did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Letís say Iím sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
COSTELLO: If Iím writing a proposal, Iím going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in ďoffice for windows?Ē
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: Iím going to click your big blue W if you donít give me a straight answer. Letís forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If itís a long movie, Iíll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so Iím sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But thereís three words in ďoffice for windows!Ē
ABBOTT: No, just one. But itís the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair, there arenít many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And what word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isnít even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind. I donít want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Thatís right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money,
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isnít that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, itís great that Iím going to get free money, but Iíll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: Thatís all very wonderful, but Iíll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you donít want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You knowóaccounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course, you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More Than Money. Money canít do everything.
COSTELLO: I donít need a sermon! Okay, letís forget about money for the moment. Iím worried that my computer mightÖwhatís the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
COSTELLO: Okay, Iím worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: Iíve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I havenít even been anywhere? Okay, Iíll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
COSTELLO: But Iíll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No. you only need one Word--the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But thereís three words in---Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up onme? Oh, well. (ring) Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

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