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Sat Dec 17, 2011, 12:10 AM

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This message was self-deleted by its author (dixiegrrrrl) on Thu Jun 1, 2017, 10:22 PM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

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Reply This message was self-deleted by its author (Original post)
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 OP
krispos42 Dec 2011 #1
leaftie Aug 2012 #47
melonkali Dec 2011 #2
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #3
CHIMO Dec 2011 #4
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #5
TeamPooka Aug 2012 #40
dixiegrrrrl Aug 2012 #41
samsingh Jan 2013 #68
valerief Jul 2012 #32
benld74 Dec 2011 #6
Iggo Dec 2011 #7
MiddleFingerMom Apr 2012 #26
Tunkamerica Aug 2012 #46
leaftie Aug 2012 #48
Tunkamerica Aug 2012 #49
Scuba Dec 2011 #8
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #9
Kurovski Dec 2011 #10
valerief Jul 2012 #33
UrbScotty Dec 2011 #11
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #12
AlecBGreen Dec 2011 #13
valerief Jul 2012 #34
Whisp Dec 2011 #14
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #15
Whisp Dec 2011 #16
Oldtimeralso Apr 2012 #28
UrbScotty Dec 2011 #17
faeries Dec 2011 #18
flying rabbit Dec 2011 #19
valerief Jul 2012 #35
Waltons_Mtn Oct 2012 #53
fizzgig Jan 2013 #78
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #20
Scuba Oct 2012 #56
Auggie Dec 2011 #21
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #22
Tunkamerica Aug 2012 #45
dipsydoodle Dec 2011 #23
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2011 #24
HeiressofBickworth Apr 2012 #25
valerief Jul 2012 #36
Graybeard Apr 2012 #27
ahg Jul 2012 #29
dixiegrrrrl Jul 2012 #30
Scuba Oct 2012 #57
Callmecrazy Jul 2012 #31
valerief Jul 2012 #37
benld74 Jul 2012 #38
Mad_Dem_X Aug 2012 #39
Robert Czar Aug 2012 #42
MrMickeysMom Oct 2012 #58
Mac1949 Aug 2012 #43
Tunkamerica Aug 2012 #44
MiddleFingerMom Aug 2012 #50
MikenGina Aug 2012 #51
UrbScotty Sep 2012 #52
left-of-center2012 Oct 2012 #59
sakabatou Oct 2012 #54
LiberalElite Oct 2012 #55
sakabatou Oct 2012 #60
lumberjack_jeff Oct 2012 #61
dixiegrrrrl Oct 2012 #62
fizzgig Jan 2013 #79
jumptheshadow Oct 2012 #63
dixiegrrrrl Oct 2012 #64
UrbScotty Dec 2012 #65
dixiegrrrrl Dec 2012 #66
TxDemChem Jan 2013 #69
dipsydoodle Jan 2013 #67
TxDemChem Jan 2013 #70
Kablooie Jan 2013 #71
TexasBushwhacker Jan 2013 #72
dixiegrrrrl Jan 2013 #73
TexasBushwhacker Jan 2013 #74
dixiegrrrrl Jan 2013 #75
hollysmom Jan 2013 #76
dixiegrrrrl Jan 2013 #77
softhearted Feb 2013 #80
dixiegrrrrl Feb 2013 #81
backtoblue Feb 2013 #82
Name removed Mar 2017 #83
dixiegrrrrl Mar 2017 #84
Name removed Mar 2017 #85
jmowreader Apr 2017 #86
oldcynic Apr 2017 #87
dixiegrrrrl Apr 2017 #88
oldcynic Apr 2017 #89
talldarkhandsome May 25 #90
Stuart G May 31 #91
dixiegrrrrl May 31 #92

Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 03:15 AM

1. Oh, that have one of those now

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Response to krispos42 (Reply #1)

Sat Aug 18, 2012, 01:39 PM

47. great

 

Ha like it

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 06:27 PM

2. An old fruit joke

 


Who lies in the grave of Alexander the Grape?

Alexander the Raisin....

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Response to melonkali (Reply #2)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 06:58 PM

3. *gurgle*

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #3)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 08:48 PM

4. Rasins

Are dead grapes. Logic exists.

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Response to CHIMO (Reply #4)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 10:42 PM

5. ducks like raisins...........

Duck waddles into a bar.
Bartender said, "Can I help you?"

The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."

The duck walked out, came the next day and sat at the bar.

Bartender asks if he could help him.
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO!!! this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!"
So the duck waddled out again and left.

He came back the next day and sat down once again, and
yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

The bartender said, "NO.!!!!!!!
And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.

The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day sure enough the duck came back,
except he only peeped his head inside the door.
He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #5)

Fri Aug 10, 2012, 02:36 AM

40. A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He hops on the bar and orders a glass of water.
the bartender gives him the water and says "We have a cocktail named after you"
"You have a cocktail named Irving?"

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Response to TeamPooka (Reply #40)

Fri Aug 10, 2012, 10:55 AM

41. Somehow I always hear it as "Oiving"

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #5)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 02:19 AM

68. kick

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Response to melonkali (Reply #2)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 09:42 AM

32. Ha! I like it! nt

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 11:58 PM

6. My 10 year old had used that joke for Halloween 'trick' for the last 2 years! It STILL has legs,,,,

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 04:07 AM

7. Guess what?

That's what!

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Response to Iggo (Reply #7)

Mon Apr 2, 2012, 11:00 AM

26. !!!

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Response to Iggo (Reply #7)

Sat Aug 18, 2012, 03:36 AM

46. not chicken butt?

guess why? chicken thigh

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Response to Tunkamerica (Reply #46)

Sat Aug 18, 2012, 01:41 PM

48. Hä?

 

Hä?

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Response to leaftie (Reply #48)

Sun Aug 19, 2012, 04:30 AM

49. yes?

ha!

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Tue Dec 20, 2011, 06:16 PM

8. How do you make a handkerchief dance?

 

Put a little boogie in it.


Didja hear about the big robbery last night? Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.



Didja hear about the accident at the Army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn and crushed two colonels.

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Response to Scuba (Reply #8)

Tue Dec 20, 2011, 06:37 PM

9. Very good!

In true keeping with the spirit!

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Tue Dec 20, 2011, 10:34 PM

10. I posted in on DU years ago.

the old one about a grasshopper entering a bar, hopping up on a stool, and the bartender exclaims "Hey! There's a drink named after you!!"

The grasshopper replies: "You Do!? You have a drink named Steve?"

I think it was finally put into one of MacFarlane's animated shows.

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Response to Kurovski (Reply #10)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 09:44 AM

33. Good one! nt

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed Dec 21, 2011, 01:40 AM

11. A neutron goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The neutron asks, "How much will that be?"

The bartender says: "For you, no charge."

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Response to UrbScotty (Reply #11)

Wed Dec 21, 2011, 10:39 AM

12. *giggle*

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Response to UrbScotty (Reply #11)

Thu Dec 22, 2011, 12:39 PM

13. two atoms bump into each other on the sidewalk and fall down

one gets up and cries "Ive lost an electron!"

2nd one says, "Are you sure?"

1st one says, "Yes, Im POSITIVE!"

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Response to AlecBGreen (Reply #13)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 09:44 AM

34. I love the atom and neutron jokes. nt

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Fri Dec 23, 2011, 02:41 PM

14. what is black and white

 

and black and white and black and white?

a nun rolling down a hill.

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Response to Whisp (Reply #14)

Fri Dec 23, 2011, 03:40 PM

15. Had NOT heard that version of black/white before, believe it or not.

hee hee

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #15)

Fri Dec 23, 2011, 03:57 PM

16. another b/w one :)

 

what is black and white and red (read) all over?

a Newspaper

(this is not one you can write down)

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Response to Whisp (Reply #16)

Fri Apr 6, 2012, 12:12 AM

28. Is That True?

I was told that it was a sunburned zebra!!!

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Response to Whisp (Reply #14)

Fri Dec 23, 2011, 04:13 PM

17. What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him!

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Tue Dec 27, 2011, 05:26 AM

18. poor froggy

yikes! I don't wanna imagine the frog while it's in the blender.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Tue Dec 27, 2011, 07:54 PM

19. Two muffins are in an oven

One says: Man it's getting hot in here.
Other says: Holy shit! A talking muffin!

Never gets old

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Response to flying rabbit (Reply #19)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 09:45 AM

35. Nope. It doesn't. Ha!

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Response to flying rabbit (Reply #19)

Mon Oct 1, 2012, 10:39 AM

53. Good one there!

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Response to flying rabbit (Reply #19)

Wed Jan 30, 2013, 03:46 AM

78. ....

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed Dec 28, 2011, 11:37 AM

20. What's big and purple and swims in the ocean????

Last edited Wed Dec 28, 2011, 02:48 PM - Edit history (1)

ok...nobody asked so I will tell you:


Moby Grape.

( I used to giggle at that every time my kid told it to me...)

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #20)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 05:05 PM

56. What's big and white and lays on the bottom of the ocean?

 

Moby's dick.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed Dec 28, 2011, 12:54 PM

21. "Knock knock ..."

"Who's there?"

"Impatient cow."

"Impatient cow w--"

"Moo!"


..........................
A six-year-old told me that. Hilarious.

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Response to Auggie (Reply #21)

Wed Dec 28, 2011, 02:48 PM

22. LOL!

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Response to Auggie (Reply #21)

Sat Aug 18, 2012, 03:36 AM

45. it's interrupting cow.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Dec 29, 2011, 07:47 AM

23. A general greetings card I saw

Last edited Thu Dec 29, 2011, 10:48 AM - Edit history (1)

1st woman : Whatsup ?
2nd woman : I've got nobody to go shopping with
1st woman : Shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
2nd woman : OK- I've got nobody to go shopping with - you cow.

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Response to dipsydoodle (Reply #23)

Thu Dec 29, 2011, 10:29 AM

24. Lol..

There is, floating around, a much stronger end to that joke..I believe the "B"word is used.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Mon Apr 2, 2012, 05:15 AM

25. Two morons go walking in the woods

They came upon a naked lady. They asked her if she was game; she said yes.



So they shot her.

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Response to HeiressofBickworth (Reply #25)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 09:46 AM

36. Ha!!! Love it!!!! nt

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Mon Apr 2, 2012, 11:06 AM

27. This one is over 100 years old.

From back in the days of vaudeville.

My sister married an Irishman.

Oh really?

No...O'Reilly.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed Jul 11, 2012, 11:18 AM

29. Why don't sharks eat clowns?

 

They taste funny.

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Response to ahg (Reply #29)

Wed Jul 11, 2012, 11:23 AM

30. hee hee

Never heard that one, actually.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #30)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 05:09 PM

57. Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

 

Professional courtesy.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Jul 12, 2012, 07:36 PM

31. A three-year-old told me this one.

What kind of bees make milk?







Boo-bees!

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Response to Callmecrazy (Reply #31)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 09:46 AM

37. Badda bing! From the mouths of babes with milky lips. nt

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Mon Jul 30, 2012, 10:02 PM

38. What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Aug 4, 2012, 04:44 PM

39. A man walks into a bar...

"Ouch!"

Stupid, but it cracks me up every time.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Aug 16, 2012, 10:25 PM

42. This guy REALLY cracks me up

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Response to Robert Czar (Reply #42)

Sun Oct 14, 2012, 01:36 AM

58. He's got a real knee slapper going there, Bob!

This is a county meeting?

No Robert's Rules, I take it. This guys an A-#1 carrot stroker, alright. Thanks for the laugh. I think I recognize him.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Fri Aug 17, 2012, 06:25 AM

43. With apologies to all my blonde friends...

What goes vroom screech, vroom screech, vroom screech?

A blonde at a flashing red light.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Aug 18, 2012, 03:35 AM

44. what's brown and sticky?

a stick.

what the stickiest thing in the world?

a stick

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Response to Tunkamerica (Reply #44)

Sun Aug 19, 2012, 05:35 PM

50. This is my current favorite short joke. Kids AND adults love it... though I usually say...

.
.
.
... "all sticky" and I add, "You know, this is a joke and I really don't expect you
to come up with an answer."
.
.
.
Don't be surprised at kids' responses. You're pretty much giving them permission
to holler "POOP!!!"
.
"Nuh-uh, Mom... MiddleFingerMom MADE me yell that!!!!"
.
.
.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Aug 30, 2012, 08:34 PM

51. Silly jokes bring silly smiles

We've heard Kenny G's wife is asking for a divorce. She say's the Sax is boring and he refuses to play her organ.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Fri Sep 28, 2012, 12:52 PM

52. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

(If at first you don't get it, pronounce it.)

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Response to UrbScotty (Reply #52)

Sun Oct 14, 2012, 05:27 AM

59. And I thought ..

Gov Chris Christie of New Jersey ?

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Tue Oct 2, 2012, 07:26 PM

54. Four elderly Jewish women sit down at a bench to take a rest after a hard day.

First woman groans, "Oy."
The second woman, also groaning, says, "Oy vey."
The third woman sits and groans, "Oy veismir."
The fourth woman looks at the other three perplexed and asks, "How the hell do you know the names of my children?"

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Oct 13, 2012, 03:25 PM

55. Heard from a Barnard College Student

What fish has two knees? Twoknee fish!

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Response to LiberalElite (Reply #55)

Sun Oct 21, 2012, 09:10 PM

60. Here's a better one: What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed Oct 24, 2012, 04:59 PM

61. Zen buddhist walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

 

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Response to lumberjack_jeff (Reply #61)

Wed Oct 24, 2012, 06:49 PM

62. I love it!!!!

Seriously...very good.

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Response to lumberjack_jeff (Reply #61)

Wed Jan 30, 2013, 03:50 AM

79. the buddist hands the vendor a $20

the vendor puts it in his cash box and moves on to the next customer. the buddhist asks for his change and the vendor replies...."change comes from within."

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Oct 25, 2012, 07:23 AM

63. My favorite bad joke for more than 45 years

What do you call it when a chicken lays an egg and she's not sitting down?

A standing ovation.

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Response to jumptheshadow (Reply #63)

Thu Oct 25, 2012, 09:58 AM

64. And we have chickens!

I can attest to the noise they all make when one lays an egg, it sounds exactly like she is taking a curtain call...lol.
Can't wait to tell Mr. Dixie your joke.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 01:58 AM

65. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

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Response to UrbScotty (Reply #65)

Sun Dec 30, 2012, 11:25 AM

66. Nice word play.

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Response to UrbScotty (Reply #65)

Wed Jan 9, 2013, 02:54 PM

69. Nice one

Really cute. I'll have to use that.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Mon Jan 7, 2013, 05:00 PM

67. Dog playing poker

A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards.

‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man.

‘He’s rubbish’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed Jan 9, 2013, 02:55 PM

70. I've only got dorky jokes, but...

How often do i like jokes about chemistry?



Periodically

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Mon Jan 21, 2013, 12:50 AM

71. Knock Knock ...

Who's there?

A

A who?


egg.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Jan 26, 2013, 02:43 AM

72. What's green and ice skates?

Peggy Pflegm


How can you spot Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He's the only one with sesame seed buns

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Response to TexasBushwhacker (Reply #72)

Sat Jan 26, 2013, 01:13 PM

73. Peggy Pflegm......


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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #73)

Sat Jan 26, 2013, 05:53 PM

74. I think you have to be kind of old to get that one

I'm 56

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Response to TexasBushwhacker (Reply #74)

Sat Jan 26, 2013, 07:24 PM

75. Well, I won't tell you what "kind of" old I am...but I got the joke .

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Sat Jan 26, 2013, 08:04 PM

76. Why did the Punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

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Response to hollysmom (Reply #76)

Sat Jan 26, 2013, 11:14 PM

77. ooookayyy...

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Feb 7, 2013, 08:30 AM

80. What's brown and runs round the back yard?

A fence.

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Response to softhearted (Reply #80)

Thu Feb 7, 2013, 10:52 AM

81. Neat one...I was, of course, thinking of a dog.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 01:24 PM

82. What was the last thing to go through the fly's mind when it hit the windshield?

It's butt!

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)


Response to Name removed (Reply #83)

Tue Mar 21, 2017, 12:03 PM

84. Sounds like...Trump? n/t

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Response to Name removed (Reply #83)


Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu Apr 13, 2017, 04:03 AM

86. Do you know why sharks won't eat Republicans?

Professional courtesy.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Fri Apr 14, 2017, 08:03 PM

87. How do you tell the difference between and elephant and a grape?





A grape is purple, silly.


Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

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Response to oldcynic (Reply #87)

Sat Apr 15, 2017, 12:15 AM

88. The duck/elephant joke was one of my favorites

I hesitate to even mention how many decades ago.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Reply #88)

Sat Apr 15, 2017, 03:24 PM

89. How do you tell if an elephant is hiding in your fridge?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 04:28 PM

90. The knock knock joke..

 

You know the interrupting cow one.

Moooooo

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Response to dixiegrrrrl (Original post)

Wed May 31, 2017, 06:15 PM

91. i remember this from 3rd grade ..I was 8 years old...

How do you get into this apartment building..?..to get someone captured by a witch?

because...
............On the first floor there is incredible heat..due to some malfunction in the furnace
.............On the 2nd floor there are 6 mean dogs who will eat you up if you enter
.............On the 3rd floor there is sand piled to the top of the ceiling
.............On the 4th floor is the witch who has captured our friend...

..........SO .....HOW DO YOU GET IN?????????????????????SIMPLE..........................

ARE YOU READY???

you eat...........................................a hot dog sandwich ............Hot Dog Sand Witch...get it???



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Response to Stuart G (Reply #91)

Wed May 31, 2017, 10:07 PM

92. Wow...that is one I have never heard.

Good one, too.

My youngest son, around age 6-7 at the time, brought a book with him when we went on a long car trip.

It was The Book of Polish Jokes, popular at the time, before political correctness.

He read it...aloud....laughing like crazy after each joke.
It was a LONG car ride.

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