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Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:07 PM

Not sure how to reply


I received a message from a woman that was married to a distant relative of mine (3rd cousin).

I gave her a few tidbits of info. I have on the family she is trying to find out about (her ex's family) and she wants to know where I now live and also if she can come to meet my husband and me.

Furthermore, she lives not far from my only sibling that I rarely hear from and also a niece whose husband works in the town she lives in! *yikes*! I have nothing to do with this brand of gun humping pukes with good reason, need I say more?

Do I really care to open this can of worms?

What do you recommend I do? I am in poor health and have had five life-threatening infections this year and I am have been directed to AVOID all stress (if possible ... good luck in this day in age eh?).

Appreciate any thoughts/ideas re: how should I deal with this woman as I do not want her coming to my home and "visiting" me. It is a long drive that would take at least 8 hrs. to get from where she is to where I am and I have no accommodations for her as the place I live in is very small. Frankly, I would never do this to someone I did not know at least a bit better, not someone I got a message from online. Am I being paranoid or what?

Many thanks for your help.

CountAllVotes

39 replies, 4595 views

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Arrow 39 replies Author Time Post
Reply Not sure how to reply (Original post)
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 OP
cilla4progress Sep 2017 #1
drmeow Sep 2017 #3
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #6
Warpy Sep 2017 #28
fierywoman Sep 2017 #2
More_Cowbell Sep 2017 #4
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #9
More_Cowbell Sep 2017 #33
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #35
sandensea Sep 2017 #5
sharp_stick Sep 2017 #7
Sylvere Oct 2017 #38
cilla4progress Sep 2017 #8
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #14
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #19
cyclonefence Sep 2017 #10
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #15
cyclonefence Sep 2017 #29
Thor_MN Sep 2017 #32
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #36
WePurrsevere Sep 2017 #11
LakeArenal Sep 2017 #12
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #18
More_Cowbell Sep 2017 #34
dragonlady Sep 2017 #20
Croney Sep 2017 #13
CozyMystery Sep 2017 #16
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #17
shanti Nov 2017 #39
GentryDixon Sep 2017 #21
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #22
GentryDixon Sep 2017 #24
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #25
GentryDixon Sep 2017 #31
RestoreAmerica2020 Sep 2017 #23
vlyons Sep 2017 #26
irisblue Sep 2017 #27
blue cat Sep 2017 #30
CountAllVotes Sep 2017 #37

Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:09 PM

1. Just tell her!

White lie a little if you must: "doctors have told me not to entertain visitors," or some such. Use your health condition.

Good luck!

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #1)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:15 PM

3. I agree

I am unable to meet with you due to health issues.

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #1)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:18 PM

6. I mentioned it to her

I told her that I was very ill and that I don't know how much longer I will last due to a run of infections I've had this year and that my husband is going blind but she wants to come and meet decrepit us anyway.

I'd would never suggest such a thing, esp. if I knew that the person(s) are not well; it is plain rude in my book.

That sort of answers my own question I'd say.

Thanks for probing my aging brain! I appreciate it!



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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #6)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 02:47 PM

28. I just wonder why she's insisting on coming

when you are clearly ill and have enough on your plate without being grilled about the family by a stranger.

If she had children during her marriage I might understand it, but why is she picking on you instead of her ex husband if she needs information about the family?

Tell her to prod off, you're just not up to it. You don't owe her a thing.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:13 PM

2. I agree: just tell her. Besides, the tone

of what you wrote says you've already become very stressed out from even THINKING about this. No! Go do some yoga or go for a walk or drink some peppermint tea. Be well!

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:17 PM

4. Especially since it's her ex's family...

If there was any justification at all for this woman to intrude on your life (and I'm not saying there is), it would be for information about her own family, for medical or other reasons. What possible motive can she have for digging out information on her ex's family? What good can come of that, I wonder?

if anyone in your family still knows or can contact her ex, it might be worth giving him a heads-up. What if she's some kind of stalker?

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Response to More_Cowbell (Reply #4)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:25 PM

9. She has a child by her ex

The child is an adult however.

Alcoholism runs in that family and many died from it. She wrote about it in fact. Maybe the ex is an ex for this reason?

I didn't say whether we drink or not (we don't btw) but still ...

Maybe she has nothing else to do perhaps?

It bothered me a lot when she was asking about my mother who was adopted and I saw pictures of my late mom and dad on her ancestry.com page. There nothing that ANYONE needs to know abt. my poor old mom being I don't even know much about her myself!

Weird.



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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #9)

Tue Sep 12, 2017, 02:40 AM

33. Ah, thanks for more information

It still seems creepy to me. Sorry for being judgmental!

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Response to More_Cowbell (Reply #33)

Tue Sep 12, 2017, 11:26 AM

35. Your are right

It is creepy and no, I have not replied to her. Not sure that I will.

Luckily, when you google ME, a woman comes up with the same name as me living not far from where she lives. Maybe she thinks that is me?

If so, she can have that one!

So much for the accuracy of the great internet eh?



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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:17 PM

5. Your first impression is usually the right one.

Given your situation, I'd suggest to her that you meet in some nice café in your area. If you find you get along famously, you might like to invite her over at some future date - but by arranging lunch first, you at least leave your options open.

Good luck, and All the Best!



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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:19 PM

7. Tell her your parole officer

discourages visitors from out of town until you've been out for more than six months.

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Response to sharp_stick (Reply #7)

Fri Oct 13, 2017, 11:32 AM

38. LOL! (nt)

 

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:22 PM

8. At some point you just have to be

firm / direct with these people, especially for your own health.

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #8)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:32 PM

14. You know ...

Last edited Mon Sep 11, 2017, 01:11 PM - Edit history (1)

You are so very right!

I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I've been at this for 20+ years now so of course I have a lot of info.!

I spent several hrs. collecting info. off of ancestry.com for another distant cousin that is elderly, printed it all out and mailed it to her at my expense of course just the other day. Her excuse is she has no access (she doesn't want to PAY to access the Irish Parish Records that are on ancestry.com now). Uh huh ... *sigh*

This is costing me a lot of $ just for printing and mailing stuff to all of these people that are popping up.

I don't mind doing it for my BIL that is in a wheelchair going crazy because of it (gets his MIND OFF OF IT is my hope for him). As for the rest of them (sans a 1st cousin in Texas I found), I have nothing in common with any of these people, esp. considering the fact that my mother was adopted in 1926 (or was it really 1928?).

Nail on head!

Thank you ... I'm thinking I'm about done being the good samaritan! It gets expensive!

Never a nickel sent my way btw. Nope.

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #8)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 01:00 PM

19. Yes

That sums it up nicely! Thank you!



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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:26 PM

10. She's researching her ex's family?

That seems a little weird to me. Did she explain her interest?

Miss Manners suggests the phrase "I couldn't possibly--I'm sure you understand." If she presses you for a reason, the post above recommending using your health issues as an excuse gets my vote, except that I would lie and embellish. I'd tell her that because of my frequent, serious infections my immune system is compromised and I am forbidden by my doctor to have contact with "new" people.

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Response to cyclonefence (Reply #10)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:36 PM

15. Actually that is true

My immune system is a MESS. I have MS and this year = the year from MS HELL so far!

I spend my days at home and rarely go out any more as I get upset easily and it doesn't take much for me to get sick (exposure to any one that is sick can do it; I'm now breaking out with infections that have been lying dormant in my body for over 40 years! ).

I was not kidding her when I wrote that I was not sure how much longer I'd be around. Nope



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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #15)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 03:04 PM

29. Well, then, to hell with her!

When you're really, really sick you have license to tell anybody you don't want to see them, period. I hope she gets the message without your having to stress yourself any further over this clod.

And I hope you have some better days soon.

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Response to cyclonefence (Reply #10)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 04:35 PM

32. Just to be fair, she is researching her child's father's family as well...

 

I done research on my nephew's spouse's families. Didn't hound anyone doing it, mind you, but I did add them to my tree.

Some day my grand nieces and nephews may be interested (or not). I pay for my subscription and don't mind looking things up for other people, but I draw the line at electrons... I'm not going to print and mail hard copies.

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Response to Thor_MN (Reply #32)

Tue Sep 12, 2017, 11:30 AM

36. Not going to print and mail hard copies.

I wish I had drawn that line a long time ago!

I spend a small fortune printing/mailing stuff to mostly OLD people that either do not know how to type or do not have a computer.

It gets very old after awhile.



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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:27 PM

11. She's an 'X', of a 'distant' cousin...

with an emphasis on X and distant. Unless she can offer a darn good reason for you to have her in your home, IMO you shouldn't feel in any way obliged even if you were in prime health. Your home, your castle, your choice.

A simple reply like, I'm sorry but I have no interest in meeting with you and can see no good coming from it, should work. If it doesn't, send a simple, No and block her.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:30 PM

12. I wouldn't trust anyone I didn't know to come to my home..

Especially someone who messaged me. If you feel you have to meet up for what ever reason, find a lunch spot in the nearest large town.
Otherwise, you are fine with an internet talk with her. What would direct eye contact accomplish for anyone anyway?

I don't believe how many people let people on Craig's list come to their homes. To me it's frightening.

I had a fairly long lost cousin contact me. It was nice for awhile until she started asking for money and could I come down and help her with surgery.

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Response to LakeArenal (Reply #12)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:54 PM

18. It was nice for awhile until ...

Until?

Right.

You just never know!

However, have had some good come of this and that is finding my solitary 1st cousin in Texas. He's a real nice man and he had ancestry.com send me a DNA test kit! I just sent it in in fact. He mentioned that my old grandma sure looked Native American. I told him I thought so too and that she was sure pretty. He agreed!

I am sending him some CDs of music he likes. We've found we have many things in common and are swapping music and stuff via the mail but no money is changing hands.

I'm glad I found him and he is glad he found me too!

However, our relationship began a couple of years ago and has transformed slowly but we do like each other.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #18)

Tue Sep 12, 2017, 02:53 AM

34. That's so nice of you

A mitzvah.

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Response to LakeArenal (Reply #12)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 01:02 PM

20. On letting unknown people come to your home

Our local police department has set aside a few parking spaces in their lot with a sign that says it is an area for meeting unknown people in a safe place. This is a great idea!

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:31 PM

13. This woman sound pushy.

Ask her who she voted for.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:42 PM

16. Tell her no!

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Response to CozyMystery (Reply #16)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 12:48 PM

17. Right! Don't beat around the bush!

You are so right about that.

With some people you have to be blunt and JUST SAY NO!

And the more I think about this the stranger it is. Why research an ex?

I've never bothered to research my own husband's HUGE family (for that reason right there - HUGE). I don't want to know about them as I we have no children.

Some times I find things about his family and mention it to his brother who IS INTERESTED as I mentioned.

However, as for the rest of it, I am not particularly interested even though my BIL swears they are related to the "direct Kennedy line" (pile of B.S. best I can tell but hey ... whatever! ... ) .

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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #17)

Fri Nov 3, 2017, 09:02 PM

39. Well, I have an ex

and found his family for him. Ex is computer illiterate and doesn't want to learn. We have 3 sons together and I do the family tree, which includes him and my sons. A DNA test on Ancestry by my oldest son (whose profile I manage on Ancestry), showed he had a very close relative to someone that Ex knew nothing about. Must add, Ex never knew his bio father. He was always told it was one man, but it was not, it was this new family on Ancestry. They reached out to my son by way of me, and I handled it from there. The person I was dealing with was the wife of my ex's new first cousin, so we both were "outsiders," so to speak.

This cousin and my ex live in the same city, and did meet up at a restaurant. My ex was happy to find out the truth, and like the new family. The cousin had his other cousin take the test and found that my ex was indeed, his half-brother. However, it's been at least a month, and the brother still hasn't reached out to my ex. My ex wants me to intervene, but I feel uncomfortable with doing anything else at this point.

I have no intention of meeting this family though. I did my part. I did the research for my sons and their progeny, and glad to have done so.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 01:08 PM

21. I've had many requests from my Ancestry research

from distant relatives of sort. I always let them know the information they see in Ancestry is all I am able to share. If I feel they are being intrusive, I block their notices to me.

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Response to GentryDixon (Reply #21)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 01:16 PM

22. Interesting

I found my namesake on ancestry.com.

I messaged the person stating my name (the same as the namesake needless to say) and that I do not know what she looked like and if there is a picture of her, I'd sure love to see it.

I got blocked by said person.

I didn't think asking if there is a photograph of a namesake around would be too intrusive, esp. considering the fact that my namesake has been dead since 1960 and I sent this person enough info. to know I was for real so to speak.

Oh well ... I tried and yes, I went away as this person didn't care to bother with me obviously.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #22)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 02:01 PM

24. You missed my point.

I posted all I had available. People would them ask me for more, so I told them that was all I has. After they came back again asking, that is when I shut them down.

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Response to GentryDixon (Reply #24)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 02:29 PM

25. Thanks for the clarification

Oddly, I have very little posted as I'm getting ready to cancel the subscription soon (maybe sooner!).

Thanks again!!

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Response to CountAllVotes (Reply #25)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 04:20 PM

31. I cancelled mine a few years ago.

I was still getting emails, but I finally got it so I don't get emails anymore. I can still get into my account, just cannot edit, which is OK. Sometime I just need to refresh my memory on family.

I published a family book for a few members, and after that is was not necessary to continue research. Although there are always offshoots of the tree limbs. I found a distant cousin who was murdered in Siskiyou County, CA. It is still an open cold case. Single woman in her 60's, beaten to death. I have never been able to see any resolution to this one.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 01:25 PM

23. Just say NO, no excuses, no explanations needed. . Go with your gut instinct.

also if you feel its necessary change your phone number and have it unlisted or if you do not want to change your number get called I'D it's not that much more a month then that way you dont have to pick up any calls you dont want.

Take care.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 02:34 PM

26. Write to her

that your health does not allow you to host and entertain visitors. So please do not come for a visit. You are not obligated to her. If you like, you can invite her to correspond, but only if you want to write back.

BTW: I suspect that she is some sort of on artist, who is ready and willing to spring a "woe is me" sob story on you for money.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 02:35 PM

27. say no, block if there is further contact from her.

you have enough going on in life, complicated hard stuff. This wormcan isn't worth it.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Mon Sep 11, 2017, 03:29 PM

30. My vote is No!!!

I would not trust her.

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Response to CountAllVotes (Original post)

Wed Sep 27, 2017, 09:36 AM

37. Update

again.

I never replied to this woman.

Calling my family a bunch of drunks is a poor way to get started w/me!

She has changed the name of her tree and removed all of the people she is condemning.

I doubt I'll hear from her again.

Beyond rude IMO & who the hell needs this sh*t?

Thanks to all that replied!



P.S. I found my real grandfather btw day before yesterday! He died in 1971 but at least I now know who I am after looking for 90+ years (ancestry.com DNA ... thank you!).



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