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Sat Jan 25, 2020, 11:57 PM

Cutting urges

My mom passed away and I miss her. With trump hell bent on tearing disabled people apart with his greed to cut SSI I feel so alone. My mom was my defender now I have no defense. I have PTSD and dissociative identity, major depression and a few more disorders. I feel like crap my newly pulled teeth hurt even with the Motrin
I just feel like I am doomed. Like I will be slowly murdered by the fucking right wing,with thier greed based fucking with a system I cannot deal with,but it keeps me alive. I feel so much dispair and raw hate for trump and his gang of monsters.

Yet there is no one I can rely on, I don't have a social network that I can count on. I am alone and the anxiety doesn't help the urge to cut.

On days like this I wish I could sleep until these awful feelings thoughts and triggers go away.

11 replies, 1237 views

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Arrow 11 replies Author Time Post
Reply Cutting urges (Original post)
I_UndergroundPanther Jan 25 OP
CaliforniaPeggy Jan 26 #1
I_UndergroundPanther Jan 26 #7
sprinkleeninow Jan 26 #2
irisblue Jan 26 #3
alittlelark Jan 26 #4
Backseat Driver Jan 26 #5
sheshe2 Jan 26 #10
Skittles Jan 26 #6
JudyM Jan 26 #8
I_UndergroundPanther Jan 26 #9
Sunriser13 Feb 2 #11

Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 12:02 AM

1. I wish you could sleep too, dear UndergroundPanther.

Are you seeing someone who can help?

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #1)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 01:40 AM

7. I see my psydoc on Tuesday.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 12:10 AM

2. ....

Peace be to you 🌠

💞

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 12:20 AM

3. Sending you love I_UP

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 12:32 AM

4. I would strongly recommend solfeggio tone music

You tube has tons of them. Explore - use headphones if you have them. search for those that 'clear negative energy' or are for 'deep sleep'. Music at 432hz can be especialy soothing.

There are a LOT of options out there, If you listen for awhile you WILL find something that works for you !!

Here are a few good choices:

&list=PLNYbQrd_iTKTrIHqx6mzFeRk6VSCbwT83&index=4&t=0s

&list=PLNYbQrd_iTKQ1AR4aRWZFHsR3YQfruHrH&index=4&t=0s



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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 12:45 AM

5. As a member of DU, I want you to understand that you are a worthy human.

The fact that you feel so vulnerable, yet can express yourself to others is a gift, and I have confidence that you can and will cope with those desperate times when you feel so low. I once felt so alone. I'd go outdoors and forced myself to greet virtually anyone I met along my path with, at the very least, a hello - some would answer and others would not, but I had made the effort and, therefore, showed less fear and dread than those that never spoke. You just did that here, and some will be more aware and realize they've been given the gift of reply and support to YOU!

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Response to Backseat Driver (Reply #5)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 02:43 AM

10. Beautiful Post.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 01:36 AM

6. you do have a social network, I_IndergroundPanther

someone is ALWAYS on DU - talk to us, we are here for you

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 02:09 AM

8. Lots of folks are working against him and his evil cronies, the resistance is continuing to build.

Im so sorry you lost your mom, UndergroundPanther... you can always turn here to DU for friends and fresh perspectives.
Maybe there are people mobilizing near where you live and you could band together with them, your passion to protect SSI would be an asset.

Good luck, hang in there, and stick around DU for support.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Original post)

Sun Jan 26, 2020, 02:38 AM

9. I think

I am just really scared i feel like the future is ugly. I feel like trump will get away with cutting out SSI and without it and medicaid I'll die.From suicide or diabeties.
Than there's the effects of climate change.

I cannot take the stress. It's like faceless people are just firing guns random at me and others in my position and I have to dodge bullets or else while they laugh at us trying to survive.

I can't tke being homeless again.
I went psychotic and it was weird and horrible. My brain just betrayed me and I found myself in a totally different reality.

During my homeless days I lost my cats one died ,and since I was in a psych ward for 3 months I agreed to put up Bear for re adoption I felt like I failed my baby Bear and I was not there when my soulcat,Sparkle died of old age.

I hope they understand. I didn't want to abandon them by being in the hospital when they needed me. They were being taken care of by my roommate food ect. But I was not there to love my Sparkle as he died.

Later I went to another place got raped on a different psych unit where I was drugged up and was not able to fight I went into freeze mode and I hate myself for not being able to knock the living shit out of that perverted asshole.

I am scared of the future and facing it alone and all the evil shit trump threatens to do and does the republicans are out to destroy and I cannot stop them.there is no one to reason with. I just have to have these changes forced on me. And it makes me hate.

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Response to I_UndergroundPanther (Reply #9)

Sun Feb 2, 2020, 04:57 AM

11. Breathe, and know your love can help restore your peace.

I am not so elegant with words as many others here, but I am moved to respond to you. First, hugs!

I feel your cries within my heart, willing my tears to turn into the healing balm you need to wash away your despair.

I hear you and understand the scream of your pain.

I feel and understand the white-hot burn of your anger.

I share your overwhelming grief at the loss of your precious, precious fur-babies.

And oh, I know your hate. But please, please don't turn that hate inward. You didn't do anything wrong.

Your fear and insecurity as well are shared by many of us, but I think especially by those of us who are alone. Alone is a hard thing to be. The world often chews us up and spits us out as so much flotsam. But DU can be a life preserver - and you have taken a big step in just reaching out.

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