It will help me to write this out and feedback is appreciated.
Let me start by saying that I started looking at my mental health issues as more of a spiritual problem than a physical one a couple of years ago, and more intensely so about a year ago. I've also started to look beyond my conception of victimization to see how I might be at the very least perpetuating my problems.
So, that way of looking at these issues might be uncomfortable to some people, and it's okay if you don't agree with me. I just wanted to tell you where I'm coming from at the beginning so you don't get blindsided by something that many people might view as unconventional.
For the past few years I've had a very specific issue with anxiety that I've called white coat anxiety. I'm a trucker and every year I have to do a D.O.T. mandated physical for my job to ensure that my health isn't a safety issue as I conduct my job. If you are perfectly healthy you have to do one every two years. Since I have a health issue I have to do it every year.
This physical has really set me on edge for the past few years. About three years ago I had sort of a panic attack right before a physical that caused my blood pressure and pulse rate to spike. I was under a lot of financial pressure having just been fired from a job, and I desperately needed work. I was afraid of failing the physical for a job because I was heavier than I'd ever been, and that fear became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It was because my blood pressure and pulse were too high that I failed a physical for a job. In short, I failed the physical because I was afraid that I was going to fail the physical. My blood pressure and pulse are really in the normal range when I'm not feeling that high level of anxiety.
I've managed to get by the past few years by explaining to the medical people that I have white coat anxiety and that my blood pressure and pulse will initially be too high, but if they let me sit alone for a bit and calm down the numbers will come down. And that has worked. I have known this whole time that this issue is strictly caused by me, but the matter has seemed initially insoluble. I've just been having to go into it feeling very stressed. It bothers me for weeks before I have to do the physical to the point where I'm making plans in my head in the event that I can't pass the physical. The thought "I can't pass the physical" continually goes through my mind. It all has seemed uncontrollable to me.
Usually after passing the physical I feel a great sense of relief, "Yay! I can work and support my family again for a year," and I forget about it for about 10 months. Not this year. There was no great sense of relief when I passed it, and I immediately started worrying about not being able to pass it in the future.
It occurred to me this morning when I got home from work why I have this issue. I knew that the answer to the problem has been in me the whole time. I just couldn't see it until now. It's been unconscious.
For a long time I've wanted to get out of trucking. I even went back to school in 2012 and finished my degree while working 50-60 hours a week at my job to try to start something new. I've wanted this badly, but it hasn't panned out for me. I haven't been able to find anything that will replace the income that I get and have built my life around from trucking. I need to be able to make about 55k a year, but I'm from an area of the country where such jobs are hard to come by even for college grads. I can get a job doing something else- that's not the issue. It's just that I can't find anything that will pay enough.
It's to the point that I sometimes fantasize about not having to be a truck driver. Truck driving is stressful, dangerous, difficult, thankless, and I'm just tired of it. I've been doing it for 22 years. The hours are long, and even though I make decent money, it isn't really enough for what we have to deal with out there. And trucking companies aren't subject to the same structure when it comes to compensation as other companies. They don't have to pay me time and a half for overtime, for example, and my employer doesn't. (For anyone wanting an explanation of that, just ask and I'll provide it below.)
Do you see where I'm going here? Well, maybe or maybe not. 
As I was lying in bed this morning trying to get to sleep before the sun came up, the answer occurred to me and I was immediately at peace over the whole deal: my anxiety at the physicals is simply an unconscious attempt on my part to try to sabotage my career as a trucker so I will "have" to do something different. I have sublimated my desire for a different life by consciously acquiescing and resigning myself to the idea that I'll always be a trucker. There is no hope for anything else in my conscious way of looking at things and this sad idea is really unbearable to me, so it got ushered off into my personal subconscious where it has been wreaking havoc.
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It's a remarkable observation too. And I'm glad that you had that revelation.
I just have one question: What will you do with this insight, this revelation, now that you see it?
I think that is the next logical place to go.
That was very well explicated!
And so relatable. The survival anxiety.."How will I live?" Even little kids have it now.
I was thinking about a friend of my daughter - a girl who wants to go to Stanford - because she thinks that in the new economy that will earn her a job - that will pay well enough to approach paying off her loans and rent and whatever it is probably entails a 60+ hour work week.
She's 15 and she acts like she's 55. No play. No fun. Just grind. There are a lot of kids like that - who don't even know what jobs will be available after they graduate and everything has been automated and outsourced.
All they know is study. Get a little sleep. Eat something. Study. Repeat. Forever.
Grind, grind, grind.
YOU sound better than fine. YOU sound well. It's the SYSTEM that is broken.
One more hug.
As you know I owned and operated my truck(S) for years. Over 20 years. Hauling doubles (containerized freight), flatbeds (farm machinery, HUGE muthas heh) and reefers (refridgerated goods) and, tree fruit such as cherries and apples from the west coast to the east coast(al) areas Ottawa and east.
Anyway .. my eyes. I have NEVER passed a DOT (mot, icc, and whatever other names they've used over the years). So, I would panic ever single time my license came up for renewal.
It was almost crippling. Every year I had to go to an Optometrist for an extensive exam and pray that I'd pass that.
The lighting in the SOS offices and Highway dept. was such that it affected my eyes in such a way that I could not possibly pass their exam.
It got so much worse when I moved to the USA! I was a new bride, new country, new adventures, same old eyes and same old anxiety.
For me, the solution was the fact that I no longer had to drive trucks to make a living. BUT, I did have to maintain my license to get a job I really wanted. I'd trained in truck safety, log book compliance and company compliance as things got tighter for companies.
I renewed ONCE in the USA and called it quits. My credentials weren't good enough to land the jobs I wanted so I used my other skills to my advantage and got a job driving a desk I loved it. Until I had a medical disablity that took me out of work.
I guess for me the situation was so much different. All this to just say Tobin, that I understand exactly where you're coming from.
Merry Christmas to you and J. May your days be merry and bright, and may all your christmasses be white.
Happy New Year to you both.
warm regards.
kesha and theMan. xoxo
