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Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:35 AM

I deserve to die

I won't kill myself because my dogs need me, but I sure do deserve to die. I have a psych appointment tomorrow, been coming off one med, was put on another that promptly sent me to the emergency room with side effects, can't take that, posted something on FB I shouldn't have, and for that I DESERVE TO DIE. I am not even worthy of being called human, I am a thing that needs to be eradicated like a nasty roach in the house.

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Arrow 35 replies Author Time Post
Reply I deserve to die (Original post)
get the red out Sep 13 OP
femmocrat Sep 13 #1
get the red out Sep 13 #2
femmocrat Sep 13 #10
get the red out Sep 13 #16
tymorial Sep 13 #3
Lilyhoney Sep 13 #4
democratisphere Sep 13 #5
liberalmuse Sep 13 #6
samnsara Sep 13 #7
Lotusflower70 Sep 13 #8
TubbersUK Sep 13 #9
get the red out Sep 13 #11
BigmanPigman Sep 13 #12
get the red out Sep 13 #19
Freddie Sep 13 #13
get the red out Sep 13 #15
shenmue Sep 13 #14
get the red out Sep 13 #17
applegrove Sep 13 #24
cyclonefence Sep 13 #29
OceanChick Sep 13 #33
John1956PA Sep 13 #18
TubbersUK Sep 13 #20
irisblue Sep 13 #21
get the red out Sep 13 #22
marylandblue Sep 13 #28
OceanChick Sep 13 #34
get the red out Sep 13 #35
irisblue Sep 13 #23
get the red out Sep 13 #31
hunter Sep 13 #25
get the red out Sep 13 #32
onecaliberal Sep 13 #26
Throck Sep 13 #27
Ilsa Sep 13 #30

Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:38 AM

1. Oh gosh... looks like I'm the only one here right now.

I hope someone shows up soon with some good advice for you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I hope your health and situation improve today.

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Response to femmocrat (Reply #1)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:45 AM

2. Thank you

I can't deal right now, I have upset someone I didn't want to have a bad opinion of me. This is kind of a last straw right now. I wish I had killed myself when I was young and not had to live through so damn much and gotten kicked down at every turn, made a fool of myself at every turn. People like me ought to be found as children and put down for their own good like a puppy with a horrible genetic disease. If they had put me down as a defective kid, I wouldn't have had to suffer or make others around me suffer. I am the kind of thing no one wants in the room with them. I am the kind of thing my parents shouldn't have had to deal with, I am a THING that my poor husband and dogs shouldn't be forced to put up with. The kind of THING that other kids knew was "off" instinctively, and tried their best to make go away and kill itself off in order to protect the social order. A THING that no college should have admitted on their campus, whose graduation makes the University of Kentucky really look stupid for letting it in to begin with. I am a THING that someone should come into my office and shoot right now for the betterment of the world. I am a creature who should die and have lines of people spitting on its grave day and night for weeks in efforts to achieve some justice in humiliating it in death.

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Response to get the red out (Reply #2)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:19 AM

10. Please get hold of a doctor today!

I feel so bad that you are in so much pain. Maybe your medicine is causing some of the distress. Please get help. There are people here who care about you even if that isn't much to lean on right now. And do let us know how you are doing. Keeping you in my prayers today.

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Response to femmocrat (Reply #10)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:59 AM

16. Thank you

All of you have helped me this morning

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:47 AM

3. You should contact your provider immediately and express your feelings.

I would also encourage that you recite this post to him/her so that the two of you can work together to resolve the emotions being stirred by the posts. No one should ever tell you to kill yourself or die but many get away with it due to anonymity and narcissism.

Please discuss how you internalize these comments with your therapist.


LASTLY, you most certainly should not kill yourself and you do not deserve to die. Every life has value including yours. Every life.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:48 AM

4. You deserve to be healthy, and happy with who you are.

I have no advice for you, I just want you to know I hear you. You are not alone. I don't know you but, I want the best for you, my fellow human. Take care.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:52 AM

5. Remember. Your dogs need and love you and he/she doesn't want anything to happen to you.

Get with your doctor so you can get your medications under control. We all hope the best for you.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:52 AM

6. You don't deserve to die.

Most of us have posted something on FB we wish we hadn't. Facebook can be a pretty awful place. Just know that you are not alone in dealing with depression and anxiety. You are most definitely human with human feelings and emotions. Please hang in there! You are loved.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:53 AM

7. yes your dogs need you....they depend on you...

....they wouldn't love you if you were as despicable as you think you are. Dogs know when a person is good. They love you unconditionally but they don't love just anyone! Animals are a great barometer of a persons inner goodness and apparently they have all decided you are a good person to be with. Now they just have to convince you. Take care!

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:04 AM

8. No you don't

Deserve to die. You are not a thing. You are a living, breathing human being. You are in pain and suffering. You do need to work through your issues with the medications. That is definitely a factor. But you also need to be supported with the emotional and mental side of things. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You deserve the love you receive from others including your husband, family and pets. You deserve the pride you get from all you fought through with your strong, fighting spirit. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. But you are worthy. You are strong. Keep fighting. And if you ever need someone to listen, let me know.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:12 AM

9. You don't deserve to die

You deserve peace and happiness just as much as any of us.

Right now you're struggling with depression and a change of medication.

I know how difficult that can be and send you love and best wishes.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:19 AM

11. Thank you so much

I am going home from work as soon as I can stop sobbing enough to get out of the parking structure. I am glad I posted here I am hanging onto all your words so I can make it home.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:26 AM

12. Stay around, at least for your dogs' sake.

Many people have said the same thing as you. Right now your dogs are your best medicine. I am going to die fairly soon (illness) but I will not die and leave my little girl who is 14 and very sensitive and attached to me an orphan. I am grateful that we will both go at around the same time or else we would both be miserable without each other.
Get OFF facebook! You do not need it and apparently is a negative factor in your life. My dog is the best medicine in the world for me so I suggest you spend as much time with them as possible.
Also do "mindfulness techniques". I am sure you have tried this before. If not it means to just STOP! Relax, breath, stroke your dogs, feel their warmth and softness, enjoy how genuine and unconditionally they love you, play with them while focusing on how good you feel at that very moment. Keep breathing.

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Response to BigmanPigman (Reply #12)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 09:31 AM

19. I am so sorry

Thank you, I am so sorry for your illness. I will try more mindfulness. I did notice how warm it felt to have a Border Collie lying on my chest a few minutes ago, that was the boy, the girl is way too polite for that but curls up against my belly a lot. Though medium sized dogs, their lean bodies can curl up into tiny little balls that are hilariously cute.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:27 AM

13. Please get help now

Suicide is NEVER the answer!!!
My Mom attempted suicide (pills) from depression in 1991. Thank God Dad found her and she recovered. After much trial and error (side effects etc) with the help of a good doctor she finally found a medicine that helped (Wellbutrin) and got her life back. She passed away in 2013 on her mid-80s but had many happy years after she got better. Please get help!

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Response to Freddie (Reply #13)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:50 AM

15. I got an apt to see my Dr tomorrow

Maybe I should ask to see a different Dr today?

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:49 AM

14. Get some help.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 09:14 AM

17. Home and feel safe now

At least feeling safe is something. My husband is here with me and is helping me. I will see my Dr tomorrow morning and my therapist next week. I have called multiple times trying to get in to see them earlier but nothing available.

I haven't had the ability to feel any good feelings during the last year or more of the 7 years I have been on Effexor. At least this new Doc I saw for the first time a couple of weeks ago concurred 100% that I needed a medicine change. I have been weaning myself off the Effexor and started feeling pleasure again in some of my favorite things to do. Then I went into anger yesterday and the bottom dropped out this morning. I will be home with my husband and feel "safe" here. The young dog is having allergy issues today and I know when to give him his prescription meds for it. I am NOT well by a long shot but my husband is helping me. If I was going through this alone I don't know what I would do. I still feel like I an awful person, by I have for the vast majority of my life. And it is something that is true.

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Response to get the red out (Reply #17)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 06:14 PM

24. The wrong medication can crash you. The right medication is a god send and can give you a new

lease on life.

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Response to applegrove (Reply #24)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:12 PM

29. Amen to this

If your meds aren't working, don't give up. Sometimes it's hard to tell your doctor about dissatisfaction with drugs, but be brave and insist on working with him or her until you find the right combination of medications. It can take a while, like months, but promise yourself you won't give up. Meds can be life-savers. I know.

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Response to cyclonefence (Reply #29)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:37 PM

33. Totally agree

It's difficult to communicate with doctors when you have mental illness. Take someone - preferably your husband - to the doctor with you. It may be easier for him to explain your symptoms in an organized way that the doctor will understand.

Also, don't give up on medication. Previous poster was right - when you find the right one, it will be like a miracle.

I tried about 5 different meds which made me feel crazier. I finally tried Wellbutrin which was my miracle!

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 09:24 AM

18. Thanks for the encouraging update that you feel safe. You will get over this.

Your life has value and purpose.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 09:55 AM

20. Thanks so much for updating us

I have some experience of what you're going through and can tell you that, with the support of those that love you and the help of caring professionals, it will get better.

You're fighting hard and showing great resilience, well done.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 03:11 PM

21. how are you doing this afternoon?

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Response to irisblue (Reply #21)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 04:15 PM

22. Managed to nap

Took some melatonin and managed to take a nap. I still despise myself but am trying to keep going. My husband had to go out for a while but the dogs are here.

I can knit again. I was so dead on Effexor I couldn't get pleasure from hobbies or anything. Effexor was an evil drug for me, it took all joy away then stopped treating the depression. I will see the Psychiatrist tomorrow morning. My insurance only covers seeing a resident Psychiatrist at the University who is overseen by an attending. This is ok, since I have loved every resident I have had, but I need to tell the attending that I am not going to throw away my life because they guilt trip me when I complain about how I feel on a medication. I should have been off this stuff a year ago but it was implied that I just needed to work harder in therapy. The attending may need for me to express that, even though confrontation terrifies me.

Thanks for asking how I am doing. I married a good man and I have a terrific boss at work, so I am still breathing.

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Response to get the red out (Reply #22)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:05 PM

28. If you haven't responded to a medication after six weeks

You probably won't respond at all. Don't let them make you wait a year and blame.you for it. If you haven't tried an SSRI, ask the doctor about them. If you tried SSRIs, ask about Remeron.

Also -always choose life no matter what!

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Response to get the red out (Reply #22)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:38 PM

34. Effexor made me a Zombie

Doctors are there to serve you so never be afraid to ask for what you need. I know it's hard when you're in the spot you're in. Ask your husband to play the bad guy if necessary!

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Response to OceanChick (Reply #34)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:52 PM

35. Big time Zombie

I haven't been able to feel positive feelings in that shit. Surely they can do better than that. I am going to politely give them an ear full tomorrow.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 05:35 PM

23. you mentioned your Border Collies up thread

I had a part BC, and I think he was a very polite dog. He would always start out by asking before getting up on my lap when I was in the recliner...a small soft snort.
Would you, maybe husband be able to walk with your 2 fur babies tonight? exercise & fresher air are better today then facebook, in my experience.

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Response to irisblue (Reply #23)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:21 PM

31. Perhaps tomorrow

Continued Effexor withdrawal left me nauseous this evening, but I will get back to working with my dogs soon. I am entered in a dog agility competition with my female in a couple of weeks so I will need to get something back going with her. I missed our last agility trial sick in bed for three days from side effects from the attempted med switch. I need to run my girl, it is what I love most.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:52 PM

25. Hello.



Dropping by your friendly neighborhood E.R. isn't a bad idea whenever you feel like that. Even if it's the middle of the night. Be sure to tell them you're changing meds. (Effexor can be a bad one; it's fantastic when it works, not so much when it doesn't, and not an easy med to quit. "Gradually" tapering off can mean many, many months...)

I landed in the E.R. twice a little over a year ago. The first visit I talked my way out, "yeah, I'm fine now..." (No, I was not), the second visit they sent me to the locked psych ward for a few days. (I was definitely NOT fine, I don't clearly remember the first day. (My own illness comes with psychotic features, hallucinations, and nightmares straight out of hell.)

The meds I'm taking now seem to be working, but I'm a terrible judge of my own mental state.

Maybe I shouldn't be talking so much about myself in a thread like this, but I've always found it helpful to hear other people's similar experiences, otherwise I really do feel alone in the universe.

You are not alone.








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Response to hunter (Reply #25)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:30 PM

32. I appreciate your insight

Reading other people's experiences helps me. I went to our ER a couple of weeks ago and they were very helpful. I will go back if I need to.

Against medical advice, I have weaned myself off Effexor during the past two weeks. FWIW, I am not sure I wouldn't have been worse off emotionally today on a full dose than on none. My withdrawals haven't been as bad as I have read some people have, I just needed off that stuff and done. It was harming me and making my OCD a lot worse.

The intensity of my depression is lessening greatly now. I talked with a close friend who battles mental illness also for a long time tonight and it helped tremendously.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:56 PM

26. You deserve TO LIVE! You are valuable. You are not the hate spewing evil that was pointed at you.

Please do not validate anything they say or think about you with another moment of your time.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 07:57 PM

27. Some of the worlds most creative people were chronically depressed.

Writers, artist, actors. Find the strength and persist.

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Response to get the red out (Original post)

Wed Sep 13, 2017, 08:15 PM

30. You deserve to live, and you deserve to

not be in emotional and physical pain. You deserve a life that is happy and with purpose.

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