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Sun Jun 11, 2017, 04:43 PM

The Compassion Files: Reality

I want to start by saying that I don't harbor any hatred for my parents. We are all doing the best we can in this moment, even if it doesn't really look like it sometimes from the outside. Inside we are each a different world at this point in life as we know it on Earth. I'm hoping that in my lifetime we start to see the recognition on a large scale of the unity of humanity.

I happened upon an important realization in my world the other night and I wanted to share it with you all in the hope that it might help someone else.

When I was a little boy, my parents fought all the time. There didn't seem like a day that went by without them emotionally abusing each other and in turn their children who had to witness it. Little kids love both of their parents and there is nothing that hurts them more than to see them fighting each other. I would have rather taken a spanking than to see my mom and dad fighting.

My mom and dad often fought after they put me and my sister to bed. Angry voices and yelling would fill the house. We would try to block it out in our own ways. My sister, who was two years younger than me, would be frightened. We shared the same bedroom and one time she asked me what she could do to help alleviate her fear. I told her to "think." That was my little kid way of saying that when I heard my parents going after each other I would enter into a fantasy world and dream up all kinds of stories and adventures. My sister didn't know what I meant so she started singing when our parents would fight to help her escape the pain.

Yeah, it was a pretty sad predicament we all found ourselves in- all four of us.

One day when I was seven my parents were fighting in my presence. It was even worse than usual and the anger in my father rose to the level of violence. He struck my mother in the face. The marriage was over after that. My mother and father separated immediately and soon divorced.

The damage to all of us was deep and very painful. As for me it entirely shaped my life and left me in a hole that I've been trying to dig my way out of ever since, but maybe not in the way you might think.

Since reality had largely been intolerable for me since my birth, my level of awareness of the world outside of my head was low. I lived in a perpetual dream state only interacting with the world outside of my head for the basic necessities. I discovered my joy of reading not long after I was old enough to start comprehending novels. I was about ten. To this day, when you see me you can be sure that there is also a book nearby.

The problem with all of that was that my world wasn't authentic. I was mostly divorced from the reality that most people experience and I knew nothing of the spiritual realm that lies beyond ordinary reality. By the time I was twenty I had largely slept walked through my life. It was at that age that I became severely mentally ill.

As much as I tried to escape it, reality would not be denied. There came a time when the dream had to end. Sadly for me, the dream turned into a nightmare for ten years. Apparently my fear of reality was so great that I would have rather died than accept it. It came to that point of three occasions- my three hospitalizations. And we are just talking about the ordinary reality of Americans and not the greater more intense presence that is our spiritual destiny.

For the past 24 years the main thing I've been doing is learning how to be here in the present. That may sound very simple to a lot of people, but there aren't many of us who know how to do that fully yet. My reality now mostly consists of the ego dream state that is ordinary perception interspersed with moments of clarity. It seems like I've come a long way, but I've really gone nowhere. I've been right here right now the whole time- where we all are. I was just unable to see it.

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Arrow 4 replies Author Time Post
Reply The Compassion Files: Reality (Original post)
Tobin S. Jun 2017 OP
hunter Jun 2017 #1
Tobin S. Jun 2017 #2
Underground-Panther Jun 2017 #3
Tobin S. Jun 2017 #4

Response to Tobin S. (Original post)

Tue Jun 13, 2017, 07:05 PM

1. I find your posts helpful. "Reality" has always been a shifty thing for me...

... since my late adolescence maybe. I grew another foot taller after I'd left high school at 16. At 19 things got really weird (three more inches to go) and I was "asked" to take time out from college twice, which is why it took me nine years to earn a four year degree. Along with the autistic spectrum super-power of obsessively extreme focus came the voices in my head. Which I ignore. I ignore a lot of "reality" voices too.

When I was twelve I knew everything in a weird "little professor" Asperger's way. I started building computers. It's something genetic, fifty/fifty inheritance apparently, with various levels of functionality. My grandfather was functional as an Army Air Force officer and then as an Apollo Project aerospace engineer, but his personal life was always a flaming catastrophe, smoldering at best. Two of his siblings were entirely dysfunctional in ordinary society. The more functional siblings and other members of the family supported the dysfunctional whenever they crashed and burned but it was nothing anybody talked about. Mental illness was hidden in the closet, much like LGBT issues. My grandma and her sister were wild things in roaring 'twenties Hollywood and had many diverse friends, including my grandpa. They protected their friends. I grew up in a family that was friendly and protective of "eccentric" people. I didn't realize I was one of them until later.

I thought I was doing okay in this present until last summer when I landed in a locked psych ward. The first thing that flies out the window is my ability to judge my own mental state, and I've got lots of experience pretending to be all right even when I'm not. I'm pretty sure I've never in my life been a danger to others, but I've frequently been a danger to myself. Okay, so add a new antipsychotic to the meds stew, it's got blech side effects, they all do, but the alternative is worse.

Maybe we're all here to collect stories. I feel sorry for anyone without a story.

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Response to hunter (Reply #1)

Thu Jun 15, 2017, 03:41 AM

2. Thanks, Hunter.

There appears to be a strong genetic component for the propensity to experience wildly altered states of consciousness without using drugs. I come from a long line of crazy people on my dad's side. I think my mom's side might not be much better, but they are more able to hold it together in front of other people. It sounds like you might have something similar going on.

I've found that when I can create a little gap between my thoughts I experience greater clarity although it is for a brief time. Supposedly, the moments of clarity will get longer with practice. But I still spend a lot of time lost in thought, and that's my main problem. I get so deep into thinking that I lose touch with the outside world or what most people call reality. It's like I'm constantly working on the world's most complex jigsaw puzzle in my head and I just can't break away from it.

Try this. The next time you are troubled and the wheels are really turning in your head, try to remember just to stop the thought processes. Just stop thinking about it and become aware of your surroundings, wherever you might be. Become aware of being aware. Let me know how it works for you if you try it.

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Response to Tobin S. (Original post)

Mon Jun 19, 2017, 03:31 AM

3. I still hate reality

I hate having to be stuck in a body. A gross one at that.
I hate all the stupid hassles humanity expects me to do.
Dumb shit I'll never understand. And this idiotic token system ugh it's stupid.I feel like a pigeon! And the only the only thing that makes sense is I'm wild. I am feline inside . People scare me ,I don't understand..

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Response to Underground-Panther (Reply #3)

Mon Jun 19, 2017, 10:44 AM

4. Hi, Panther. It's good to see you posting here again.

I think it's possible to be true to what you might call your feline nature and still be in tune with Ultimate reality. The reality I speak of in my OP is not experienced by most people...at least, not very often. Most people are locked in the past and the future. They are never fully aware of the present even though that's where we really all are.

I'm a past tense kind of guy and because of that reason I tend to have a problem with negative emotions. My wife is a future tense kind of person. She tends to suffer from anxiety. When we can both let go of that stuff and be here in the present moment together it is like bliss.

I can relate to the way you are feeling with all the hoops it seems like we have to jump through in ordinary reality. I was telling a friend the other day that it feels like I'm living with a cage around my mind. I don't feel truly free to be who I am a lot of the time and to do the things I really want to do. What I've come to realize is that most people feel like that. Most people in America do not feel free to be who they truly are. So we have all of our problems with drugs and food and violence. Most people are self-medicating in some way to try to make them feel better due to the lack of authenticity in their lives.

You are not alone, Panther. You are just more in tune with the true nature of so-called reality here in America. More people would see it your way if they were honest with themselves.

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