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Mon May 13, 2013, 11:47 AM

 

What to do when it all feels like the stressers are building up

I have a friend dying of cancer, my bipolar cousin is off her meds and had an episode, the town is doing construction work around our property and my sister has mentioned concerns about maybe there doing things to decrease the value, and maybe "eminent domain" for green space although they haven't said anything. We are talking about building a smalller house for me, because the old family farm house, where I have lived all my life just is too much to maintain and way too big for me.

My sister says we need to be able to sell the farm land at a decent price for security of my future because I haven't been able to work since 2000. I get SSD but not very much, just short of 800 month. They diagnosed me with Chronic Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder with OCD tendencies, and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I am only able to make it because my sister helps me out and now she is getting frustrated with me. What are we going to do if we can't get what we need from the land?

All the talk about Chained CPI and cutting Medicare scares me. Now they that study in Britan says that there is no such thing as mental illness and what if everyone agrees and the insurance company uses it as an excuse to stop treatment both talk therapy and meds, and the gov uses it as an excuse to end SSD?

My county is already talking about selling their mental health center where I get my talk therapy and pills. What's going to happen? Plus isn't what the British study really saying is that I and others like me are not really sick we are just bringing it all on ourselves? I don't choose to feel this way, I am this way.

My dog is getting older, its only a matter of time before I lose her. Now the only ferral cat that lives in my barn that I can pet and I am really attached to has been missing for two days.

I was coping but now it just seems like it is all caving in around me. I am not suicidal I just feel overwhelmed. I don't know what to do about it.

I've tried to talk to my sister but she is already overwhelmed from her job, and she's been dealing with a lot of my cousin's stuff because the cousin's brothers and their families aren't really stepping up to the task and my sister considers herself the family fixer.

So lately all she says to me, when I mention I'm scared is that "You always have to make it about you." That's making me feel like shit even more.

I just am really struggling right now and am not sure how to pull it back together?

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Reply What to do when it all feels like the stressers are building up (Original post)
Liberalynn May 2013 OP
elleng May 2013 #1
Liberalynn May 2013 #3
Locut0s May 2013 #15
libodem May 2013 #2
Liberalynn May 2013 #4
olddots May 2013 #5
Liberalynn May 2013 #6
Liberalynn May 2013 #7
fizzgig May 2013 #10
Liberalynn May 2013 #11
Liberalynn May 2013 #8
fizzgig May 2013 #9
Liberalynn May 2013 #12
Stuart G May 2013 #13
Liberalynn May 2013 #14
Locut0s May 2013 #16
Liberalynn May 2013 #17

Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Mon May 13, 2013, 12:08 PM

1. We're here.



Your conditions sound like my daughter but she can't do as much as you have done, re: obtaining help. You are miles ahead of her and many, Liberalynn.

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Response to elleng (Reply #1)

Mon May 13, 2013, 12:40 PM

3. Thank you!

 

Here is a hug for you and your daugher too.

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Response to elleng (Reply #1)

Wed May 15, 2013, 09:14 PM

15. How old is your daughter? I ask because I feel I'm in a similar situation...

I've managed to work off and on over the years for periods but it would always end in some type of breakdown and I've spent 10 years or more trying to get some kind of degree out of university. I'm living off my parents at home and at 31 things are getting late in the day to do anything about. I feel pathetic and have just about given up on living. I like to talk to people who share similar problems.

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Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Mon May 13, 2013, 12:18 PM

2. oh my gosh

That is a lot on your plate. I'm fresh out of free advice. And that's a good thing. It is good to vent and just have a sounding board, sometimes. You have it out on the table where it is visible and not lurking under a blanket in the basement.

If I think of helpful insights, I'll share, later. Vibes.

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Response to libodem (Reply #2)

Mon May 13, 2013, 12:41 PM

4. Thank you!

 

It does hlep to have a sounding board and not be judged for feeling what I feel.

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Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Mon May 13, 2013, 01:23 PM

5. the stressers are not you ,they are diagnostic lingo

 

You are you not some letters that describe behavior they judge .

Coping is all anyone can do and when they keep telling us we can't cope we crumble. What is "They " ? that's articles about the world ending and all the shit we can do nothing about but as a sensitive person wish we could help .

We are news junkies and NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS ---the news bizz is all about upsetting people ----

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Response to olddots (Reply #5)

Mon May 13, 2013, 01:43 PM

6. Thank you!

 

I have been trying to limit my news intake. Right now, I am only reading news here on the DU.

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Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Mon May 13, 2013, 03:50 PM

7. My kitty came home.

 

I was so scared before because she has never stayed away longer than a half a day, and she was gone two this time.

She's spayed and has had her shots through a not for profit that helps TNR feral and barn cats in our area.

She looks okay. I wish I could bring her inside but the dog doesn't like her and my dog was here first, and even though the cat lets me pet her, I can't pick her up because she tries to bight and scratch when I do. I think a part of her will always be feral.

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Response to Liberalynn (Reply #7)

Tue May 14, 2013, 12:05 AM

10. i'm glad your kitty came home

that's always a terrible feeling when they disappear like that.

and i'm glad you had a good visit with your friend. peace to him.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #10)

Tue May 14, 2013, 10:11 AM

11. Thank you. I sat with my kitty on the steps this morning and just petted her.

 

Thank you for the good wishes for my friend too. He is still in their fighting and is even thinking about ways he can raise funds for the hospice. His courage and selflessness is a good thing to emulate.

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Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Mon May 13, 2013, 08:13 PM

8. Just came from seeing my friend in the Hospice

 

He was pale and tired but seemed in good spirits. I managed not to cry and my other friend and I had a very nice visit with him.

It helped a lot to be able to see him.

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Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Tue May 14, 2013, 12:04 AM

9. sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time

one hour, one minute, if you have to. keep breathing and talk yourself through things. i talk to my cats just to get the thoughts out of my mind.

what are you doing to be good to yourself? i find that just sitting outside for a bit always helps, take a book or laptop to the porch (given this is an option) and just be outside. listen to the birds. smell the spring. feel the air and sun on your skin.

it must be hard that you're sister is in the place she's in and unable to give you the support she needs, is there any way you can help her out? cook a few meals or clean her house? i hate cleaning, but it's something for me to focus on rather that everything bouncing around in my brain.

i hope things slow down for you soon and remember that we are always here to listen.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #9)

Tue May 14, 2013, 10:20 AM

12. We just had another bad call but I am actually holding better

 

because your right focusing on something is better. Our other cousin who is a farmer just got knocked down hard by one of his cows, and smashed his head into the cement. They are rushing him to the ER because he doesn't know what day it is, or who the president is, and is really confused.

He's more like a brother to me than a cousin and his son is like my nephew and they have always been there for me, so I have to be there for them. He's being taken to a really good hospital in Rochester, NY one of the best so hopefully he will be okay. They are going to call me.

I go to my sister's house on weekends so that is a good idea to do some projects for her.

Thank you for listening.

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Response to Liberalynn (Reply #12)

Tue May 14, 2013, 08:19 PM

13. fizzgig is right about one day at a time.

Please hang in there. I wish you the very best, each day and each moment.

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Response to Stuart G (Reply #13)

Wed May 15, 2013, 06:58 PM

14. Thank you!

 

I am trying to take it one day at a time now. I get in trouble when I dwell on the what ifs. Today is looking much better. My cousin with the head injury was released today. He still doesn't remember what happened to him but the cat scan is clear and they released him.

I also talked to my other cousin yesterday. She is Bipolar and had to be hospitalized last week for a manic episode and we were all worried they released her too soon especially since she won't agree to take medicine. We were all scared for her and I got all emotional about it and just couldn't talk to her because I was afraid we would both cause each other more anxiety, and me yelling at her to take her meds wouldn't have been helpful.

She called yesterday and I was feeling stronger so I answered and we did okay. We talked about other things like her niece's baby shower. I still think she is in kind of an excited state and she still hasn't agreed to go back on medication but she's an adult and we all have to make our own decisions. I just have to accept that and not try to push the issue with her. My sister and her immediate family and her doctor, have already stressed to her the importance of the meds anyway, so she knows.

It felt better being able to talk to her again.

Thanks again!

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Response to Liberalynn (Original post)

Wed May 15, 2013, 09:18 PM

16. I'm sorry to hear about your position. I can relate to some degree...

My situation isn't as bad financially maybe but I feel just as grim. I'm 31 living off my parents. Life long major depression, social anxiety and self diagnosed avoidant personality, so you see we are pretty similar. I've manged to hold down retail jobs in the past for a couple of years at a time but they would inevitably end in a breakdown. I've spent 10 years at one university or another trying to get some kind of degree with not much to show for it. It's getting late in the day for me and my parents can't look after me much longer, nor should they. I wish they would kick me out. I'd likely become a street alcoholic or something but I don't want to be a burden on them much longer.

I can't help you much as to what to do with stress as I usually just let it build up till I start binge brinking and I cave and have a breakdown. I know what helps me from day to day, hot baths, sleep etc. But those don't do much long term. I'm on medication as well which only helps a little.

Hugs!

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Response to Locut0s (Reply #16)

Thu May 16, 2013, 12:17 PM

17. We do seem to have a lot in common.

 

Last edited Thu May 16, 2013, 01:03 PM - Edit history (1)

Don't know you or your parents but I am willing to bet your family doesn't see you as a burden , and sees the value of what you bring to them in your own way. You are reaching out to help me, and I see your value as well. .

I understand too how you feel about having to lean on your parents though. I feel that way with my sister too. I even talked with her and said "that I feel like I am a burden to you, and if you want to walk away from me I will do my best to understand."

She said you are not "a burden", you are my sister, and I love you, and you help me in your own way, and you helped take care of Mom when she was sick, and that is what families are supposed to do,help each other." She said "don't misunderstand I get frustrated as hell with you sometimes because I don't worry about trouble before it comes, I just live one day at a time, and deal with the bad things when and if they happen, and I don't get why you can't do the same thing, but your mind just functions different, and I have to accept that and deal with it. "

She confided that even before I had the breakdown and the subsequent diagnosis that my Dad noticed that the struggle to cope with daily life seemed harder for me than 'most people' and he asked her to always be there for me right befoe he died.

She said she promised him but told him that he didn't really even have to ask her, because she always planned on it anyway. They both said to each other that I was one of the most "booksmart" people that they'd ever known, but that I spent so much time living in that "book world," that I had never learned to really cope with the the real world. I actually became booksmart because that was my escape route when the world got too much for me to handle which started for me at about age five.

Therefore I can aslo relate with you on the working on college degrees as well. I did get a Bachelor's Degree in History, an Associate in Social Science, and an Associate in Applied Science Paralegal but I can't use any of them to hold down a job anymore. For ahwile after I got sick kept going back to college and taking courses because school made me feel normal and was a safe enviroment for me. As long as only me depended on me and I didn't have to worry about "failing anyone else, or having them "scream at me or beat me for failing", I was okay.

It's really kind of ironic because Catholic grade school is where that fear orignated from to begin with. That is how they would deal with my percieved failures and sins, with daily verbal abuse, hitting, and one major beating when I was five thrown in. So to me I've always thought it was strange that after that the public highschool and the the two colleges I attended were some of my "safe zones."


In college, I was always on the Dean's List and at the top of my class. I was even able to hold down a job for ten years at a Museum. At first it seemed tailor made, I got to share my love of books and reasearch and live in that world, until the real world interfered in the form of my fantastic boss leaving, and the subsequent mismanagement by subsequent directors.The institution seemed to be collapsing around me. My coworkers who had been my best friends had either found work else where or were laid off. Some of the new people who came in had their own "mental" issues which set of mine off even more.

To make a long story short, the place ended up surving, I literally almost didn't. I had a few retail jobs and temp jobs after, but I just kept breaking down again and again, and finally my therapist at the time just made the call and said I am going to recommend to the psychiatrist that we help you apply for SSD, because this can't keep happening. It's not healthy for you or your family anymore."

Now I am still not able to work and I have come close to hitting rock bottom several times since then. I will say, however, because of the therapy I have had and the medications I am taking I am still miles ahead of when the first break down hit. I hope that you and your doctors and therapists can hit on the right combination for you as well.

DBT therapy was a real turning point for me, even though I had to take it three times before it sunk in. The one lesson from there that that really stuck was "radical acceptance." The therapist conducting the group explained it this way, "you can't allow yourself to get caught in the life's not fair trap." She said The sad fact is that life isn't always fair, it will never ever always be fair, and instead of getting sad or angry about it, you just have to accept there are times you can't make it be fair, and move on."

The "it's okay to make mistakes and the don't judge yourself" parts, I still can't quite get a handle on. See all my edits, its the "can't be any mistakes because people will think your stupid" issue acting up.


I have been able to at least survive and live a somewhat independent life, and I nowI am able to see the warning signs of a major depressive episode approaching and can send out SOS calls to head it off. It mainly happens when I see too many actual and/or "percieved crisises" heading my way at once, and or if I don't get enough sleep. That is what has been happening in the last two weeks. The reminders here to take it one issue, one day at a time has helped.


You helped. Knowing there is someone who gets you, means the world. Thank you for being here, and If I can be here for you let me know. A complete cure for us, may never be in the cards, although we need to keep hoping for it and working towars that goal. In the meantime we just have to stay strong for each other, and know it "can at least get to be managably better." My current psychiatrist helped me to accept the latter part of that last sentence.





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