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Wed Apr 10, 2013, 09:33 PM

My personal hell.

I can talk about my depressed, OCD, autistic spectrum occasionally psychotic and paranoid self, my dead bag lady grandma, my mom who has God's direct telephone number unlike the Popes who probably never get past Saint Peter or his undersecretaries and then only rarely, my dead autistic rocket scientist grandfather putting together the pieces of recovered Nazi technology, POW's, American drug and alcohol addict mad scientists, or my other grandpa who was a conscientious objector during the war who refused to touch a gun and picked up a welding torch instead but later killed himself with a gun shortly after he retired...

These genes survive, and they are obviously good for something, and finding like and reproducing, but damn there are days I just want to run away from it all and live alone in the woods.

No worries, my current meds are adequate, not too unpleasant, no dangers.

I'm just tired and cranky today.

I'm not seeing a good grumpy smiley. This one is close, but a bit too much:

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Arrow 5 replies Author Time Post
Reply My personal hell. (Original post)
hunter Apr 2013 OP
Duer 157099 Apr 2013 #1
Newest Reality Apr 2013 #2
Neoma Apr 2013 #3
kickysnana Apr 2013 #4
Locut0s Apr 2013 #5

Response to hunter (Original post)

Wed Apr 10, 2013, 09:39 PM

1. I hear ya

You made a good observation (well several actually) about your genes being "obviously good for something" because that is very, very true. Sometimes it isn't so obvious, but then other times it is. Sometimes it is just a matter of waiting for the time to come. Y'know?

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Response to hunter (Original post)

Wed Apr 10, 2013, 09:43 PM

2. And I thought

that realizing I don't exist and this all is not happening in any way, nor did ever and that there is no future since I have never been to it and it is a convincing illusion but it changes so much that it is obviously an appearance and somehow it is a series of shifting dreams that can be very nice that I want to repeat and nightmares that are so hellish at times that I realize that I don't have to wait to die to go there.

Then, I take a deep breath, relax and realize how naive I tend to be and that dissolving is really nice.

Hope you cheer up and that your nervous system can calm down. Relax into it as best you can. Disturbances are the name of the game, from emotions to thoughts, the ride is full of thrills and chills and bizarre shit and I swear it only gets stranger as you go on.

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Response to hunter (Original post)

Wed Apr 10, 2013, 11:08 PM

3. I always get manic-y when I'm sleepy.

I hate sleepiness. So is it because you're tired?

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Response to hunter (Original post)

Thu Apr 11, 2013, 12:28 AM

4. Hope for bad nurturing in this months Discover.

Basically, neglected rat babies grew up with debris that was replicated and passed on to future generations. Rat babies of good mothers did not have this debris. They switched the babies giving babies of the good mother to the bad and vice versa and the proving that bad mother was the cause of the debris. They had a chemical that will desolve the debris off of the genes and injected into the badly mothered rat brains, erasing the bad effects of the bad mothering.
It worked. There may be something in our bodies that does this ie religious awakening or therapy but that is for future research.

Some people have genes that predispose them to what we call mental illness. It seems to be the ability to cope with it that makes a difference in your life.

I have always needed solitude in my life and hated crowds or any groups of non-friendly people, (sort of like today's workplace almost everywhere in this country.)

Would invite you for coffee and to watch some old movies but you probably live 3000 miles away.


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Response to hunter (Original post)

Thu Apr 11, 2013, 03:41 AM

5. Very well spoken. You have a good style! Sorry to hear you are...

going through a bad day but good to hear you are otherwise mostly stable.

Damn I wish I could get to where you are now. Last year or so I've been on a roller coaster from hell, and I'm not even Bipolar. Several months of good highs, everything is going to be alright "I can go this", followed by more months of near suicidal depression and anxiety. Right now I'm closer to the later.

Why can't I accept this? It's the most childish thing imaginable. I can't face the world. Everyone else looks at life and sees opportunity, a positive challenge, happiness, contentment, success, financial potential, FUCKING LIFE!! All I see is I'm Sisyphus standing next to a bolder the size of Mt Everest. Where's the company hole I can climb into and hide the rest of my years? :'(

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