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Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:41 PM

my husband seems to be spiraling downwards again

he's frustrated at his job because he's getting no hours (he moves furniture), which is putting a lot of stress on me trying to figure out how to keep us afloat. he and a friend of his had a falling out and it looks like his band is breaking up.

he's been talking about how he doesn't even want to be looked at right now, which is the number one warning sign for me.

he's been doing not much else but playing video games for a week, although we did get our place cleaned up yesterday, which has greatly improved my mood. he's so prone to situational depression but he won't acknowledge it.

now it's time to just be patient and try to ride it out

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Reply my husband seems to be spiraling downwards again (Original post)
fizzgig Feb 2013 OP
snappyturtle Feb 2013 #1
fizzgig Feb 2013 #4
hollysmom Feb 2013 #2
fizzgig Feb 2013 #6
hollysmom Feb 2013 #10
fizzgig Feb 2013 #11
Denninmi Feb 2013 #3
fizzgig Feb 2013 #7
Denninmi Feb 2013 #9
sigmasix Feb 2013 #5
fizzgig Feb 2013 #8
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #12
fizzgig Feb 2013 #13
BlancheSplanchnik Feb 2013 #14
GreenPartyVoter Feb 2013 #15
davidpdx Feb 2013 #16

Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:55 PM

1. Hope the ride isn't too rough.

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Response to snappyturtle (Reply #1)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:12 PM

4. thanks

i'm hoping he shakes it quickly, but he's so hard to judge sometimes

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 02:57 PM

2. My sympathies - kind of been there

But my ex acted this way because he was an alcoholic - the fights with friends, the trouble at work. He was also violent - the whole don't look at me was kind on enforced by going into a rage that he never felt bad about because if I were better and didn't cause trouble, he would not go into a rage - A lot of this went away after he was in AA and went through the 10 step program. It really gave him control of his life and got rid of his anger for years. I consider them the happiest years of our marriage. We got divorced after he decided he was cured and didn't need AA because he would never drink again, but the "dry drunk" rages came on. No violence though, just mean language screaming and breaking things.

Not saying that is your problem, but the "don't look at me" is a big red flag for a lot of problems. BIG.

It is very hard to get people to treat their own depression unless they want to. You can't fix anyone, you can only change yourself and how you relate to people which then changes how they treat you.

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Response to hollysmom (Reply #2)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:24 PM

6. things were much worse when he was drinking

but he hasn't touched a drop in more than a year and hasn't experienced any of the dry drunk sympotoms. thankfully, the 'don't look at me' does not extend to me, but it makes getting him out of the house nearly impossible and the longer he stays in, the worse his mood gets.

he needs to at least get himself in to talk to a therapist, i've been trying to get him to do so for a few years, but he just won't have it. i know i can't force him, it's just frustrating that there are solutions available for him because he seems to prefer misery.

i am generally pretty good at not taking this personally and not reacting to it, i'm just hoping i don't have one of my own bad days anytime soon, that always leads to a fight because i need support from him and i don't get it.

i know things will get better when spring starts rolling around, but i hope i don't have to wait that long.

thank you for your support.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #6)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 06:02 PM

10. I understand about seasonal depression as well.

It is very hard when you have to support someone all the time, there are times when you need support, I hope you have family and friends who are there for you. You certainly have a lot of friends on this board.

Please remember to take care of yourself, Right now, you are a lynch pin and the person who needs your support the most is you. It is not selfish, because you can't be there for anyone else if you go down. take care of yourself, my best wishes to you in this time.

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Response to hollysmom (Reply #10)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 09:53 PM

11. i have a fantastic support network

and i am very lucky in that.

right now i'm taking comfort in cooking, i've got some chicken tortilla soup simmering on the stove. eating comfort food makes him happy, cooking makes me happy. at least we're in some manner of win win right now.

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:09 PM

3. Sorry, Fizzgig.

I don't have any words of wisdom, other than I guess listen if he wants to talk, but I'm thinking about you and hoping it gets better.

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #3)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:26 PM

7. thanks, dennis

i wish he would open up to me, but he came from a very closed off family where you didn't talk about anything. i came from a family where we talk about damn near everything, so that makes it especially frustrating for me.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #7)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 04:59 PM

9. It is hard.

I'm an open book anymore, no one else in my fam wants to talk about important stuff, they just stew.

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:15 PM

5. depression sucks

could he be suffering from seasonal affective depression? A reduction in exposure to sunlight in the winter can cause depression in some people. The good news is that it is treatable with medication and sun lamps. It's worth a try to have him sit under a sun lamp a few minutes a day- if he is suffering from the disorder, he may experience some relief from the most crippling aspects of depression. Keep a loving eye on him and continue to reinforce a positive outlook for his future. I hope your husband is able to win this fight and return to making music with a band. The world needs more music...

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Response to sigmasix (Reply #5)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 03:35 PM

8. i am wondering more and more if it's SAD

things seem to get worse in the winter. i've been thinking about a sun lamp, it's just a matter of being able to fit it into our budget. we're in colorado, so there are plenty of sunny days, i just can't seem to get him to go to the park or on a walk with me.

i know he hasn't hit bottom because he's still playing music at home and doing a bit of recording. when he stops playing is when i get supremely worried.

i'm doing my best to take care of him, which mostly consists of leaving him be and cooking what he likes.

we'll get through this, i hoping sooner rather than later.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #8)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 09:59 PM

12. hi fizzgig...I just started coming to this forum..

Hope it's ok for me to chime in.

What if he tried sitting by a sunny window? If he's not willing to go walk with you, maybe finding a sunny spot to sit would be manageable for him?

I was just about to post a thread asking for depression suggestions....
Now if I could just push through the paralysis enough to DO it... :p

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Response to BlancheSplanchnik (Reply #12)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 10:41 PM

13. of course it's ok

opening the blinds in his office would be a good idea. the window faces west, so he should be able to get a bit of light despite our being in a garden level.

my tips for beating depression:

i would suggest sunlight for you, too. even if it is, like you said, just a sunny window.

get out of the house. go to the park, a coffee shop with a book, take yourself to lunch. i know the not wanting to leave the house aspect of depression, but it just gets worse for me if i don't get out.

put on some headphones and crank your favorite music. the effects seem amplified when it's jacked straight into my brain.

indulge yourself. take a bubble bath. have ice cream for dinner once in a while.

good luck to you

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #13)

Sun Feb 17, 2013, 11:04 PM

14. thanks fizzgig. I appreciate the ideas!

I've had depression since childhood. My main medication has always been rship-addiction and since the end of my last dysfunctional one, I've been having a hard time.

I think I better see my Dr. to talk about adjusting the meds.

I get paralyzed and stop takng care of myself, which i never learned very well in the first place. Getting out of the house helps but the paralysis--I keep giving in to it.

... but tonight, I am going to bed early even though I slept all day. Bed early so I can get up early; there's a meeting for work tomorrow, so even though the school is on break and the mtg is optional, it'll be good to go.

I realized just a bit ago that I'm depressed when I'm IN a rship too, it's just not all on me to take care of myself. So, here's what I need to practice.

Good idea about the headphones!

Thanks!!



P.S. I hope the window idea helps....I think if I had someone with me who loved me encourage me to do that, plus it's so simple and not a big strain to go against the paralysis, i would be able to handle it.

So. i would think he could take that baby step. I mean, I KNOW the feeling of getting out of the house being too much to ask.

I'll be curious to know if it's helpful.

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Mon Feb 18, 2013, 02:00 AM

15. Oh man, I am sorry. :^( *hugs* I second the hope that the ride is short!

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Sun Feb 24, 2013, 09:45 AM

16. I know what your husband is going through as it sounds like we have some things in common

There are many different issues that set me into a tail spin. I have problems with depression and anxiety. Thankfully alcohol has never been an issue (probably because I have so many alcoholics in my family and have seen how bad it is).

My has a very hard time understanding my depression issues even though she talks to my doctor. Some of it is a cultural issue as she is Korean (which is where we live) and the issue of mental health is not widely talked about. The rest of it is that I an have a very explosive temper (not physical, more emotional) which gets me into trouble.

The other night I was talking to her about stuff that causes anxiety and realized that there is a lot she doesn't know about in terms of when I get worried.

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