I want to thank all of you

[OldBaldy1701E]

I am going through a very rough time these days (hell, these past several years). I also wanted to maybe offer some explanation in regards to my post and replies. First one. There was a time when I would have been happy to accept offers of financial aid. However, that acceptance usually returned to bite me on the ass. Yes, I know that many here mentioned that the offers were done without thought of return. The problem is that there is always a return in some way. As Chiwetel Ejiofor said in 'Dr. Strange', "The bill comes due." In the past, I have received aid and used it, and suddenly there certainly seemed to be some return expected. There were times when I had to ask my mother for help. This led to the deterioration of our relationship as she, like the majority of Americans, seemed far more interested in her money than in me. This lady was a triage nurse. I am still struggling with why she never got me any help for the painfully obvious mental issues I have. (I know why she didn't. It is a combination of coming from an age when 'mental health' was akin to voodoo, and her desire to not look bad to her friends. You know the ones that sit around gossiping about other people like they themselves are freaking saints.) This soured me on ever accepting money from anyone. It was not my intention to offend anyone who was offering. It is just that every time I have done it, it always bites me on the ass. Especially when it comes with 'no thought of return'.

Secondly, I am not sure how others deal with this kind of thing, but to say there is a lack of support system for me is an understatement. Of course, I know what I get when I tell other people this. Which is fine, and i appreciate it. But, telling someone without money to just 'go get some help' is akin to telling a drowning man that all he needs to do is breathe more air. I have mentioned before that I have been through this entire charade in five states now, and the end result is always the same. There is no denial that there are two levels of healthcare in this country. And, I am not in the one that offers real help. (As opposed to the kind that I got in the county settings where they tossed me a bottle of Paxil and said goodbye. No appointment setting. No discussion of follow up. Just 'Okay, there ya go. Bye now!' I understand that others may have had different experiences than I have had. That is great. But, I hope you can understand there is a saying that I know I have mentioned on here before: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!" So, you can hopefully understand why I am very reticent to even consider those options.

Thirdly, I am still trying to understand why no one seems to be able to grok that I am done here. I have nothing else to offer anyone except a deteriorating human who cannot live in the current societal model, since it has now all but made me obsolete. Nothing I have done matters to anyone and there is nothing else I can do to be productive in any way. (Except maybe a few more years of reduced physical labor until I become unable to even move.) Yes, this is all whining. I no longer care about how it sounds. I love how I keep researching help online and I keep getting articles that stress how 'people find it difficult to ask for help'. I have been yelling for it. It is not about people not asking for help. It is that there is no help to be had outside of the top 10-12% of the population in this country. It is just logical to stop suffering. It is just logical to not waste resources. But, I am still here, still suffering and still wasting resources. I don't get it.

Lastly, I do not know what I am going to do from here. I do not see any hope for getting my husband out of the mess we are in unless I remove myself from the equation. I don't see my life being anything more than it is now. Suffering and taking up space while marking time in a failed existence. I don't know... maybe there is some reason that I am still here. All I know is I really doubt it is for anything good. I did not ask to be born like this. I did not ask to be flawed. I certainly did not ask to be 'different'. But, whatever. There is no loss from my departure. All I need to do now is try and figure out how to overcome my aversion to pain. That is the only thing keeping me here right now. I also wish to say that I understand if this board wishes me to stop posting this stuff. I will do so if directed. I can see how a few here are getting irritated with me. It won't be the first time I thought I found a place to have these discussions only to be told that I had to stop because I was 'disruptive' (read: not taking their advice, not showing any 'progress', etc.) Again, I am not trying to offend. But, I have to say what is bouncing around in my head or it just festers. But, regardless of all of it, I really appreciate everyone doing what they could to help. As I often say to people who say they are going to 'pray' for me, "It is a wasted effort but don't think I don't appreciate it."

[IbogaProject]

1. Please don't be hard on yourself

Sorrow shared is halved, joy shared us doubled. Traditional saying.

Try and get some physical activity, exersize has been shown to boost mood. I'm prone to blues and sunlight on my retina 20 minutes 3 or so times a week really helps. Not through eye glasses or glass but through closed eyelids is ok.

Please don't be hard on yourself. It isn't healthy to be well adjusted in a profoundly sick society.

[OldBaldy1701E]

6. I wish I could.

I live in Minnesnowda now and it is -5F here. I cannot function in that weather. And, of course, knowing that it is all but impossible to get outside in this weather, every single industry that has the means of climate control, which would be rather essential for having a place to get some exercise and so on, charges for their use. which removes them all from my consideration. Because I don't have the means to pay them. Then, there is the foot issue that has removed what mobility I had. I can barely walk from one room to the other. Both shoulders are being very uncooperative and hurt all the time. We won't go into my digestion, but it has been an issue for a long time now. How am I supposed to exercise? Yet another example of the 'pay to play' reality that is modern America. I don't have to be hard on myself. The majority of the population does that quite well. QUITE well.

[XanaDUer2]

2. You are valued

We are here for you. I'm sorry you're in this mess.

[OldBaldy1701E]

7. Thank you.

As I have said before, I do not presume to dare to say that I am blameless in being where I am right now. But, I am not solely to blame either. And, it has been my observation that the ones who ruined my life or career just went on with their lives, being successful (which is a subjective term, I know), raising families, etc. I always ended up in the gutter or a homeless camp. Without any perception of justice or equality in my life, how can I continue to live when it is all a lie? I just don't get it. I was told that evil will fall and justice will prevail. The past five decades have proven to me that this is not only false, but nothing more than propaganda. How can I live in a place that is telling me that this desire for justice and equality, these things that were drilled into me as a child which said that the U.S. believes and stands by them, is just a delusional fantasy? I don't want to exist in a place that acts in this manner. Yet, here we are...

[3Hotdogs]

3. Yes, you are valued.

Post as much as you want and I will read whatever you post.

I wish I could do more.

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. I appreciate that.

I would suggest that you do more to change this socioeconomic position and make it more like it was supposed to be. The huddled, tired masses yearning to be free. The just and equitable society that was promised to us as kids. I am a lost cause. The U.S. is not, but it is certainly almost there. Save the nation. Don't worry about one person. As a Star Trek fanatic, I am well aware of the debate postulated in the movies. In my case, the needs of the many really should be the concern. (I always felt that if the needs of the many were addressed, the needs of the one would be as well. Not sure if this is true anymore.) The needs of this one are not important. I have to assume they never were to anyone but myself.

[cilla4progress]

4. I'm concerned about you.

I have an adult daughter who I spoke with last night and had to ask if she had any thoughts of self-harming.

I don't know what to say to her to give her hope.

You are loved. You are valued. You are worthy.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. Thank you. (n/t)

[hunter]

5. Hah, I've had the "Here's some pills, now go home" experiences.

That's a common experience in the U.S.A., and not just mental health issues.

I think the only time I had a crisis where I was treated with above-and-beyond seriousness was when I had a heart arrhythmia that was immediately obvious on the EKG. Suddenly it seemed everyone "grocked" what I'd been saying. Too bad there's no machine that can look into someone's brain with such precision.

My grandma had a serious mental illness and eventually had to be removed from her home as a danger to herself and others. It took the paramedics and police several hours to drag her out, and she was still kicking and cussing and trying to bite people as they loaded her into the ambulance. It's a good thing she was a little old white lady, otherwise the cops might have simply shot her.

My grandma's idea of mental health care was to "Be Strong!" which made a lot of sense in her time because mental health care then was absolutely barbaric. You didn't want to be sucked into that system.

That was my mom's attitude as well, but she's changed her mind about that. Unfortunately that wasn't the case in my own troubled youth. That's how I'd end up living in my car and stuff. I must have been some kind of failure at being "strong."

My mind went a little sideways during adolescence and I really didn't find it again until I was 25 years old or so. People sometimes thought I was taking drugs. I wasn't. I didn't need drugs to go on a trip. (Here in the 21st century there are helpful meds that keep me out of that place.)

One thing that has always kept me out of existential crisis is my curiosity. We each have only a very small window of time and space to observe this universe. I actually think that's the purpose of our existence -- we are the universe reflecting on itself. There is no "success" or "failure" in that, and it's not our place to judge ourselves or others in that context.

At my worst there's always a little part of me that's interested in the story of Hunter. How is this chapter in my life going to end? Often I have no idea. A lot of the time it hurts.

Once upon a time I was walking home from a party along the beach next to some steep cliffs, a geography that's common on the West Coast. I was a little buzzed, the tide was coming in, and I didn't want to get wet. So I decided to climb the cliff, in spite of all the stories I'd heard of people, especially drunk people, getting killed by falling off these same cliffs.

Of course I fell, and shifted into my "What happens to Hunter next?" mode as I was tumbling down the rock face. I'm my own favorite action figure! ( A psychiatrist I had attributed this sort of dissociation to PTSD... which is another story. )

Needless to say, I didn't die but damn did it hurt, and I did get very wet.

Is there any point to my story? I don't really know, only that it was an inflection point in the adventure that is my life.

My last adventure like that (which possibly involved me quitting a certain med I didn't like because it made my head fuzzy) landed me in the psych ward with all sorts of interesting people. I got out after a few days, and maybe I'll write a story about that too someday, but I'm still here.

Being "strong" is a painful way to face the world. Simply "being" has taken me a lot further.

I do have some motivations to make the world a better place, but that's not the reason I exist. I can't actually say why the universe dropped me here. Nobody knows that, whatever they say. Even what I say to myself.

While I'm here I'll try to be kind to all the other hapless visitors to this place, which is everyone, human or not, and I'll try to be kind to myself. Being kind to myself helps me be.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. Thank you for your reply.

One thing that has always kept me out of existential crisis is my curiosity. We each have only a very small window of time and space to observe this universe.

So, you feel that this is all there is to existence and when you die, there is nothing? I have experienced so much paranormal activity in the past that I just cannot feel that this is 'all there is'. And, although I have no information about what lies ahead (as you stated, no one does), I don't think it is too hopeful to wish that whatever it is, it has to be better than what I am here. Were those souls trapped here? Or, did they just decide not to go into the light? I don't know but I can tell you that I am so close to not caring about this existence anymore that anything has to be better. Anything.

As to why the universe dropped me here, I have an idea...



Which does not imbue me with desire to remain. I never asked to be an example.

[hunter]

11. I have some funny ideas about time as well.

Like Doctor Who said, "I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing."

You don't even want to know some of the horrors I've seen when I've messed with time.

Let's just say there is no "before" or "after." There's only now.

Things go very wrong when I obsess about the befores and afters. I've got more than enough OCD about other things.

Buckaroo Banzai summed it up pretty well.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

That includes don't be mean to yourself.

It's probably a Zen thing but I haven't gone there.

I do think quite a bit about religion. When I was a kid my mom was a Jehovah's Witness. That probably messed me up some, but it also made me more resistant to social pressure. I was the weird kid sitting out the flag salute. Go fuck off, you worshipers of false idols!

My mom got kicked out of the Witnesses because she couldn't stay out of politics and then we were Quakers.

In time I reverted back to the traditional family faiths of fiercely intellectual pacifist Social Justice Warrior Christianity but that's not the foundation of my daily existence, I'm not someone who expects Christ to carry me through the rough spots and eventually on "into the light," and I don't pay any mind to people calling me a heretic.

Look, you Evangelical Christians, don't talk to me about a personal relationship with God. I've got voices in my head and shut them up with meds. If some of those voices are God, well that's a bummer. He picked the wrong way to talk to me. My dead grandmas are in there too, and some mean voices as well. I ignore them all. My conscience lives elsewhere, in my actions. There ain't no Jiminy Cricket sitting on my shoulder and if there was I'd put him outside to fend for himself. Possibly by the bird feeder.

Anyways, the entire universe is written in light. Mass is energy, energy is mass, and what it all looks like is a matter of perspective. You are already part of that light and perspectives change.

I'm certainly not the same person I was twenty years ago when I first started posting on DU. Just by being my perspective has changed, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. That's how time works.

[hamsterjill]

12. I love your honesty.

I don’t want you to be in pain. I’m sorry and I wish there was something I could do to stop it.

I’m glad that you feel comfortable enough here to express yourself and I hope you will do that whenever you feel you want to do that.