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Thu Jan 27, 2022, 10:31 AM

Second Update

First of all, let me extend a massive thanks to everyone who has offered to help. The DU community is proving more and more to be a solid one. That is a very, very, very (you get the picture) rare thing these days. One thing I always stressed to the kids at the school where I used to work was that anyone can put anything on the internet. It can look very professional and very authentic. But, it is still suspect and should be taken that way. To see that, despite the modern times we live in, there is still a bit of old fashioned humanity rolling around this nation, even if it is a very tiny bit that seems to be dissolving altogether. And it only seems to exist within the older community, which is horrifying but not entirely unexpected.

The situation with the vehicle has changed. The starter that was replaced was deemed to be defective and the repair place is going to do the repair for free, since they already did this 48 hours ago. Now, I still have my... well... suspicions about this situation but we will see how it goes. Yesterday I had to hold my husband in my arms while he cried from the stress of all this crap happening. I mean, it is not bad enough that his former employer totally screwed him over during the pandemic. It is not bad enough that, in order to survive, he has had to go back to working with that same company in a position that he once was overseeing. It is not enough that he is stuck with a complete waste of flesh who will only become more of a waste as time passes. He then told me that everything is okay when he is with me. I almost screamed in terror.

The beast is still rolling around inside of me. It still wants to know why I am still here. I have no answer for it. I do know that the world would be better off without someone like me using up resources that could be used to aid someone in a far better position to contribute to our society. As the old meme says, "Mistakes: Maybe the only reason for your life is to serve as a warning for others". I have found that one to be very spot-on as pertains to my life. And, I am tired of being an example of how not to survive in modern America. Far better to get out of the way. All I wanted was to be able to make a decent living doing what I loved to do. I paid the dues, and did the time to try and get there, but was thwarted at every turn. Sometimes it was my own fault. Most of the time, it was someone else's. I have tried to redefine myself multiple times. All for naught. I see no reason to keep doing this.

As to 'getting help'... I cannot stress enough that this is far from my first rodeo with this crap. It is a simple thing. In this country, if you want to get real help for your mental state, you have to have lots of money. Period. Those other places are just making sure you get back out there and be a wage slave to our overlords. They will try their damnedest to convince you that all you needed is a few pills to make you all better and then you can run right back into the workforce so the CEO can buy another yacht. That is NOT mental help. But, that is what you will get if you seek help from anywhere other than the top doctors and hospitals. The aim of mental health in this country is to maintain the workforce, not to actually help people. Because, some people are not going to be functionable in the current socioeconomic setup. Based on personal experiences, it seems as if that makes us 'irredeemable' and therefore to be ignored. Of course, when one decides to check out, the authority responds with force. Because they cannot be seen as 'allowing' their workers to control their destinies to that degree. Such behavior leads to loss of potential workers and doesn't show strength and power to the rest of the world.

Let me ask you all a question. Do you remember back when a person could live their life without having to join the wage slave force? Before we were all brainwashed to believe that we HAD to strive to live like the wealthy do because they are the greatest thing since sliced bread and know way more than us plebes? ? Hell, I remember when the town looked at the richest person there with a mixture of pity and exasperation, because it was obvious to us that having all that money created a level of social delusion. Now, we all embrace that delusion. I knew plenty of people who lived with barely a dollar to their name. And, they were better off for it. Oh, they made money with crops and crafts, but that was just to maintain things and pay the property taxes each year. That was it. They grew or made everything else. Why did that die out? Was it a good thing that it did? According to the wealthy, it sure is. As Honore` de Balzac said, "Behind every great fortune there is a crime." We all know what it takes to achieve that level of wealth. Yet, we seem to want to worship them for it. The majority of Congresspersons are millionaires or better. Yet, we want to talk about 'equality'? It is all a game. I cannot get behind that. I could care less about any of that. Which makes me anti-American to some folks. I find that hysterical. But, it also means that I do not belong here. This life is a waste and this society is not what I was looking forward to. When a job is done, one leaves. When one has no job to do, one leaves. Why this is such a 'horrible' thing is just confusing to me. It is time to leave. The vehicle situation is just the latest thing that not only shows me that I can do nothing about it, it shows me that I cannot even manage to handle it. My brain is ruined, my life is forfeit. I can do nothing but beg for help because I cannot help myself. And, that help should be used to get one back to being stable and productive. I cannot be helped back to that scenario. I cannot do anything anymore. Why bother continuing to exist?

I apologise for the new post, but I did not want to create a long meandering thread. If this breaks any rules, I am sorry. (A phrase that defines my life I am afraid.)

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 11 replies Author Time Post
Reply Second Update (Original post)
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 OP
hamsterjill Jan 2022 #1
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #2
femmedem Jan 2022 #3
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #4
SheltieLover Jan 2022 #5
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #9
SheltieLover Jan 2022 #11
hunter Jan 2022 #6
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #10
BlackSkimmer Jan 2022 #7
OldBaldy1701E Jan 2022 #8

Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 11:38 AM

1. Look, I have no idea what to say to you.

Your points are valid and reasoned. But hereís what came to mind when I read your post.

You said you held your husband in your arms when he cried. You were there for him when he needed you. Sometimes in life it truly IS the little things.

You may be right to have suspicions about the vehicle work. But you may be wrong. It may work fine once itís done.

All I know is that when youíre beaten up and down, it is your own brain that is your worst enemy. It tells you only the bad stuff and doing that is a means of coping. If youíre prepared for the worst, you can deal with it. Thatís why our brains do that to us. But the worst doesnít always happen.

How old are you? Are you close to being able to get Social Security at least? If I missed that somewhere in the other thread, please forgive me. I donít remember seeing it.

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Response to hamsterjill (Reply #1)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 01:30 PM

2. I am 57.

So, no, not even close.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 01:40 PM

3. Your husband needs you.

You mean the world to him. It sounds as if he, too, is barely hanging on, but he finds respite in your arms.

That means so much more than contributing financially.

There are many beautiful, loving, worthwhile people who, whether due to disabilities or circumstances will never be in a position to be financially stable on their own. Others were able to provide for themselves earlier in their lives, but then lost that ability as they aged. My mother is in that position, and I hope she never, ever thinks her life has no meaning even if now she is the person being cared for rather than the caretaker.

You are both, dear Baldy. In some ways you need support, but in other ways you give support to your husband. If that is the only job you have at this point, it is still worthwhile. It is everything to your husband.

And there are ways to contribute even if they don't generate income. You are a strong writer and you care about social justice. Your voice matters, even here at DU.

And yes, our society brings too many people to this point. I don't remember a time when people primarily sustained themselves through crafts and gardening, but I do remember a time when it was reasonably easy to survive on a minimum wage job. This isn't your fault. But again, your brain is not ruined, but it is in a state of depression and telling you that your life is worthless when it is not.

Thanks for posting again. There are many here who have been on pins and needles hoping you will pull through.

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Response to femmedem (Reply #3)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 02:03 PM

4. But that is the point.

There is no 'pulling through'. There is only a struggle to maintain the horror level where one is. I will never 'get better'. The pain I suffer will never go away. (I might be able to control it better if I could have some proper pain medication. But, I am a medical cannabis patient. Because it has proven itself to be the only thing that addresses many of my issues with one substance. The pharmaceutical industry hates it. So, they want to say I can't keep getting pain meds unless I stop taking it. And, I am tired of the pain clinics balking about it. The pain meds can help my pain, but they also make me feel sick to my stomach. However if I have cannabis as well, that all goes away and I can even function while on the meds. But they do not care.

I will close this out now. As things stand, the vehicle should be fixed and my husband can keep on working for the evil corporation that screwed him over so that we can barely survive. (We are on SNAP and state insurance. There is no further to fall except out of existence.) He is so much better of a man than I am because I would rather starve than work for someone who had done to me what Panera did to him. Anyway, thank you to everyone who felt they should speak up. I am still not sure about whether or not I am going to solve the problem of this failed life, but I guess I should try to think about it some more.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 06:02 PM

5. Yale is offering free "Science of Well Being" course

Please give it a try. It will not immediately change your circumstances, but will teach ypu how to live mindfully, in the moment.


Those who have tried this said they felt better immediately after watching the first videos, which are available immediately upon completing a very brief registration.

For most folks, mindfulness works to decrease depression & anxiety.

Commune with nature.

Have you started a gratitude journal?

List 3 thinga you are grateful for just hefore bed. Add 3 things each night befire bed & reread the whole list.

Amazing process that jump-atarts a positive ebery flow.

Look up research institutiobs near you which mught be offering clinical (free treatment) with neurotherapy or transcemranial magnetic stimulation.

Try contacting bcia.org. they might know of clinical trials in your area.

I can tell you from experience when a person chooses to end it, the gut & pain is unbearable for their surviving loved ones.

I hope you opt for life.

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Response to SheltieLover (Reply #5)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 12:38 AM

9. I opt for him.

I will try to live for him. My life is forfeit. I will exist as long as I can for him. When he cried on my shoulder, that was the first time he had done anything like that. He has wept like twice in 20 years, once at each parents funeral. To see him like that was very upsetting. I am trying to deal with it. I am trying to keep from falling back into the hole I was in yesterday. It is very tough.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Reply #9)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 04:44 AM

11. Good for you!

I'm glad you made the sensible choice!

If I were you, I'd list your partner first in your gratitude journal! You are very fortunate to have a partner who truly cares about you! Many people have never had that type if support.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 07:11 PM

6. Speaking from my own personal experience, which may or may not have anything to do with yours...

... I'm really good at "explaining" my depression, or when things get really wild, my hallucinations and paranoia.

When I'm heading to my worst place my ability to judge my own mental state is the first thing that flies out the window.

But severe depression is just severe depression, no explaining necessary. For me depression is random shit that falls out of the sky, good times or bad. It's brain stuff no different than lung stuff like asthma, or heart stuff like arrhythmias, or high blood pressure, and all the other random medical stuff I've experienced.

At times I've found psych meds helpful, but I've also had meds fade. Sometimes I've quit psych meds cold turkey, against medical advice (a couple of times with terrifying consequences) because I didn't like the side effects.

Meds can be a merry-go-round but that's often better than the alternatives.

I've got some stories I don't tell here on DU, including my most recent lockup in the psych ward (I hear dead people and some of them are not nice...)

Somewhere along the line I just learned to roll with it and forgive myself for the times I've been much worse than a useless person.

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Response to hunter (Reply #6)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 12:42 AM

10. Oh yes, very good at it.

I would say it formed the basis for my acting career. Having to always act like I was not as bad off as I was. Having to act like I was not about to scream and run wild through the town. Yes, I got very good at it. So good that, to this day, no one believes me about any of it. Ironic that the best performances of my life were to hide just how bad off I was and am. Very ironic.

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Response to OldBaldy1701E (Original post)

Thu Jan 27, 2022, 09:05 PM

7. I know it's hard right now. Many of us have felt this way.

One good thing is that jobs are everywhere right now. Knuckle down, grit your teeth and set a goal to get back to NC...I think that's what you said you wanted to do.

Good news on the vehicle. Your husband has a job...hang in there, make the money and come on home.

You can do it. We're all here for you.

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Response to BlackSkimmer (Reply #7)

Fri Jan 28, 2022, 12:21 AM

8. Well, what I said was...

I miss it and I do not want to die here in frozen land so I would rather walk back to NC than attempt anything here. I am not able to work anymore. I can't sit for long periods. I can't walk or stand for long periods. Getting up and down is difficult. And, it seems my skill set is not needed in any capacity anymore. If it isn't my arthritis, it is my neuropathy. If it isn't that, it is my bad back going out. If it isn't that... you get the idea. But, each one by itself is apparently not enough to warrant SS disability and they won't take my situation as a whole. Which is what they have to do to gauge how useless I am. I can barely leave the house these days. And, not just because of physical ailments. I struggle to do much of anything.

My husband is not interested in moving to the Tarheel state. I may never live there again. My last visit to the Banks was two years ago. At least I got to see it again... spend a little time in mother ocean... walking the beach at night, seeing the ghost crabs run to and fro. I miss home.

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