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Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:02 PM

I'm so tired. May I talk?

I'm tired.
I'm fed up.
The 'catch-22' of life gets ever more sure.

Yes. The plague may color my mood, but is not the reason for it. It's just more background noise.

I feel selfish when so many others have it so much worse than I do. I am grateful things aren't worse. I look and try to figure out how one becomes such a victim in her own mind, and know somehow it must be my own damn fault. But this is mine, for what it's worth.

Only child of only children - no living family, my mom died suddenly when I was 18, father might as well have, too. He left with his parents after the service. It was my first time ever being truly alone. Five months later, he remarried to a gold-digger who was horrified to not even find a copper under the sofa cushion - although she managed to get the mobile home and everything in it when they split up after less than 6 months - all there was left of a child's memories, and all the cherished belongings, including my mother's and mine. Grow up, kid. Life will now have its way with you.

Skipping past the too many years of meeting brick walls, being pushed off cliffs, poverty, homelessness, undeserved violence - but a life always, ultimately, lived alone. It's the shell that forms when one has finally gotten it through one's thick head that reaching out in trust for help does nothing but get one hurt - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially. Giving in trust is even worse.

Later in life, I found my soulmate. We were as happy as we could be with each other. We were different than others, but it was us, insular but together. I've been a widow for 9 years now. While I know he didn't mean to, he left me, too.

So, alone again, and still. Hibernation and isolation are good. Except when they aren't.

So this is hard. Really hard. I don't know if I can do it.

Pah! Had a bunch of details here, but erased them. They don't matter unless someone needs to know. Just a bunch of self-pitying life story bullshit.

I have RA, hypertension, reactive asthma and mild COPD. All established and diagnosed, and mostly untreated. But over the last year, I've had developing heart trouble including chest pains and breathlessness, and a developing neuropathy that affects both feeling and mobility (don't know the cause, unless RA progression).

No insurance, no Medicaid in this state, ACA no help (don't make enough), not healthy enough to work anymore, can't afford to get care to get healthy enough to work. Can't get disability, too young for Medicare, yadda, yadda, yadda...

I am here because I am going to die. Yeah, yeah, born to die, I know. But I know Covid-19 will kill me when I get it. Period. And except for leaving my three spoiled four-footed feline overlords, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

But I also don't know what to say. Write, erase. Write, erase. Write for an hour, on a groove, read it, snort in disgust, and erase, again. How do you get it out when you can't get it out? When you're convinced that revealing need in any meaningful way will just get you hurt again?

Sigh. God, this is so negative. I'm not even sure what I hope to accomplish by posting this incomplete screed.

I'm not going to erase it this time.

55 replies, 797 views

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Reply I'm so tired. May I talk? (Original post)
Sunriser13 Apr 19 OP
ZZenith Apr 19 #1
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #7
ZZenith Apr 19 #10
CaliforniaPeggy Apr 19 #2
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #9
onecent Apr 19 #3
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #11
mr_lebowski Apr 19 #4
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #12
vlyons Apr 19 #5
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #14
vlyons Apr 19 #32
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #40
vlyons Apr 20 #46
LiberalBrooke Apr 19 #6
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #15
asiliveandbreathe Apr 19 #8
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #17
asiliveandbreathe Apr 19 #20
LiberalLoner Apr 19 #13
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #36
LiberalLoner Apr 20 #47
Sunriser13 Apr 20 #48
LiberalLoner Apr 20 #49
Sunriser13 Apr 20 #50
LiberalLoner Apr 21 #52
Sunriser13 Apr 21 #53
LiberalLoner Apr 22 #54
mopinko Apr 19 #16
asiliveandbreathe Apr 19 #22
mopinko Apr 19 #39
Sunriser13 Apr 20 #43
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #25
mopinko Apr 19 #38
Sunriser13 Apr 20 #41
mopinko Apr 20 #42
No Vested Interest Apr 19 #18
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #37
No Vested Interest Apr 20 #45
SheltieLover Apr 19 #19
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #27
SheltieLover Apr 19 #28
SheltieLover Apr 19 #21
Kitchari Apr 19 #23
SheltieLover Apr 19 #29
Kitchari Apr 19 #30
SheltieLover Apr 19 #34
Kitchari Apr 19 #24
vercetti2021 Apr 19 #26
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #31
vercetti2021 Apr 19 #33
Sunriser13 Apr 19 #35
mopinko Apr 20 #44
cwydro Apr 20 #51
bucolic_frolic Apr 28 #55

Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:07 PM

1. What, in life, gives you the most pleasure?

Or maybe causes the least amount of pain?

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Response to ZZenith (Reply #1)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:36 PM

7. The cats.

Although I had to take one to the vet last week. He was getting better, but now he won't eat again. The attempts to get anything into him make me glad I was stocked up on Neosporin...

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Response to ZZenith (Reply #1)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:54 PM

10. I'm glad you have them.

And Iím glad they have you.

If you ever need someone to talk with I am here. Been down to the bottom of the well a few times myself and I know the feeling.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:17 PM

2. My heart goes out to you, my dear Sunriser13...

As much as I can, I understand what you're going through. You've described it very well and it's horrifying.

I'm glad you posted it. As you can now see, there is nearly always someone here, someone who listens.

And that is so important. Someone who listens.

Perhaps you could find a therapist who charges on a sliding scale to listen? They do exist; I've used them.

In any event, do keep writing your thoughts down. There are many helpful people here who might be able to help you.

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #2)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:50 PM

9. Thank you, Peggy.

It's hard to write certain things.

With a friend in front of you, the stuff spills out and it's out there, no quickly erasing it to hide it again.

I was always the listener, the sage, the advisor - because I could always help someone else before I could help myself. And that was OK - I derived joy in making someone else happy. They came back for more, and so I was useful.

It seems like I've lost some of that part of me, in some ways, yet I cry constantly at the injustice of it all, for so very many.


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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:19 PM

3. I'm sorry to hear about all this. I wish there was something I could do.

I will send lots of prayers for you. You might go back and require Medicare, they usually
help if you go back a second time. I don't have it but I have known people who do.

I wish you life was a littler happier!!!

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Response to onecent (Reply #3)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 06:01 PM

11. Thank you!

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:24 PM

4. Sorry things have been so ... sucky ... and for the loss of your soulmate ...

But if I may, it sounds like you have little in the way of 'roots' in the state you live in ... any chance you can scrape up enough to make a fresh start in a less-backwards state? One that DOES have Medicaid, specifically?

I don't know your whole story of course but given what you've shared, it seems the most logical avenue if you can possibly pull it off?

Take care, stay home and you won't get COVID-19.

We're here for you

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Response to mr_lebowski (Reply #4)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 06:19 PM

12. I've given myself migraines trying to figure out how to do that!

Mulled 'round and 'round, ideas written and burned. It's completely logical, but no matter which way it goes, I just don't have the financial resources to do it. I couldn't support myself once I got there.

I'm blessed to have a roof, food for me and the cats, and the ability to reach out into the world of... here.

Thank you.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:31 PM

5. There is a way out of your lonliness and misery

There are millions of Americans, who suffer just like you. Let your suffering and lonliness open your heart to extending loving kindness to others who suffer. Right now, during this pandemic, try calling around to a homeless shelter, a Big Sisters organization, a meals on wheels program, or any volunteer organization where you work to help other lonly and marginalized people. Make a plan to get involved with the campaign of some local politician whom you admire, after the shelter at home is lifted.

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Response to vlyons (Reply #5)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 06:44 PM

14. Somewhere, yes.

There are millions of Americans, who suffer just like you. Let your suffering and lonliness open your heart to extending loving kindness to others who suffer.

And this is only one part of why my heart continues to break. I can't help anyone. I often can't walk across the room without losing breath. It takes a plan to go to the mailbox, taking my phone with me and a stick for balance, and breathing down the chest pain when I get back.

A feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, and negativity surrounds my psyche. It is black and red and even white-hot, zig-zagging even as a lightning bolt throws itself at its foe. But there is no foe. The foe is me.


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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #14)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 09:00 PM

32. You need to see a cardiologist

I have heart disease. Several years ago, I could barely walk 10 paces without needing to rest. Couldn't lay flat, because my heart wasn't pumping blood properly. I felt like I was drowning. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital. I am on meds now that keep my ticker working properly. Don't you have a neighbor, who would drive you to the ER (emergency room)?

I'll bet there's someone here on DU that lives in your vicinity, who would gladly drive you to the ER or at least drive you to a cardiologist or primary care Dr after you make an appointment. You can always call 911, and the fire dept will take you to a hospital. Please don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Stop telling yourself that you are helpless. You have a perfectly good mind to figure out a plan to get some medical help. Most states require all ERs take patients no matter what - with or without health insurance.

Call an ER and speak to the admitting desk. Tell them your health problem and ask for Help. You may feel helpless, but you are not helpless.

Sorry if my post seems harsh. That's not my intention. I want you to feel well and happy. But you must see a Dr.

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Response to vlyons (Reply #32)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 11:55 PM

40. I know I do.

It is the law here, too. The ER will see me, stabilize me if necessary, and refer me to a cardiologist who will not see me since I cannot hope to pay. I've been lucky enough thus far not to have been taken to the ER. Probably should have gone, more than once, but managed to muddle through.

I am speaking with financial counselors at a local teaching hospital. That's why I had to apply for Medicaid even though we both knew I wouldn't qualify. Long before Covid arrived, I was trying to put something in place, but it's kind of blown out of the water for the foreseeable future.

One of the things that rolls around in my head: my father died of heart disease. Quintuple bypass, twice - widow-makers, twice. Lucky to have been alive as long as he was. Still got him in the end.

Anyway, you are not being harsh. I speak just as frankly with myself if not more so. Thank you for caring.


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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #40)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 07:20 AM

46. The ER hospital will have a cardiologist on staff

Please at least get to the ER. Even a general practitioner Dr can prescribe some meds for you. ER will take your blood to check your potassium level. The heart is muscle, and muscles require potassium to work. The ER hospital will also have an EKG machine and probably a cat scan machine. Dr check hearts for pump and for frequency of pump. Please get to the ER. You need bed rest, meds, and nursing care.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:32 PM

6. No words, sending a virtual hug your way.

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Response to LiberalBrooke (Reply #6)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 06:45 PM

15. Thanks.

Quiet hug returned.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 05:44 PM

8. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, and going through..to be on your own

and feeling this way is not good..there must be some advocacy groups in your state that will lend an ear, suggestions for your situation..you must reach out..as you have done here..mr Lebowski makes a great suggestion..change to another state with Medicaid..services that will benefit you..call your state offices..there must be some resources they could refer you to..

I can hear how proud an individual you are...I just hope you reach out...we are here too..

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Response to asiliveandbreathe (Reply #8)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:03 PM

17. Trying to brave a reach

Thank you. It's hard.


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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #17)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:24 PM

20. It may be hard but just think how much better you will feel reaching out,,you have been there for

others, now, it is your turn.. you deserve it!!

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 06:44 PM

13. I wish I could make your life better somehow. Make you feel less alone.

I think Iím finished too if I get the virus.

Iím here if you ever want to talk. I understand where you are coming from.

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Response to LiberalLoner (Reply #13)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 09:34 PM

36. I sincerely thank you.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #36)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 03:30 PM

47. How are you feeling today? I was thinking of you.

I really do understand what you wrote. Sometimes I am so afraid of what might lie ahead of me, part of me wishes it was just all over with.

Iím here. ❤️🌹

P.S. I made some bread yesterday. Fresh bread smells so good and tastes so good. Do you like to cook or bake?

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Response to LiberalLoner (Reply #47)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 04:28 PM

48. I'm here. Better...

Mostly drained, oddly. Opening up is hard and it took a lot more out of me than anticipated. Thank you sooo much for asking.

OMG, fresh bread sounds so good! My bread skills stop at beer bread and buttermilk biscuits. I do love to cook, at least what I can handle, and Penzeys spices are my best friend. With just me here I don't do as much, but I do cook what I like. Especially now, I'm pretty good at "concocting" something out of a strange combination of ingredients as I look at the open cabinet.

No chance for either one right now - can't get any flour, I had to settle for Crisco, which I don't care what anybody says, just isn't what it used to be. I miss being able to get good lard for the best biscuits, too. Can't get butter (or even margarine) either.

We'll see what manages to arrive today. I'm due a delivery in a couple hours (I ordered last Thursday and this was the first available slot). It was a big order, but I expect at least half to get knocked off of it. If it all comes, I'll be working for a couple of hours to figure out where to put it! But I wouldn't need another delivery for probably 3 weeks or more...

Big, big HUG!


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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #48)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 04:58 PM

49. Oh I love Penzey spices!

Iím sorry things have been sold out. I hope you get everything you asked for this time!

Itís kind of scary how itís getting hard to get certain items...I was lucky, I order flour fifty pounds at a time so I have plenty for the time being. And enough yeast as well. Iím a little short on sugar, thatís hard to come by.

Iím glad you are a bit better!

❤️❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹

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Response to LiberalLoner (Reply #49)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 05:37 PM

50. Oh, yeah! Forgot about sugar!

I don't use much at all, but had to settle for a store brand organic cane sugar a couple of weeks ago. Kinda light tan in color. It tastes a little molassassy (is that a word?), but for just the tip of the spoon in coffee sometimes, I can adjust. It was twice the price, though...

I am nervous how my iced tea will take it. When I do sweeten my tea, I use about a half cup per gallon, so maybe it'll be OK. Dilution does have its benefits.

Fifty pounds of flour would last me the rest of my life, and whoever is responsible for the cleanup after I die would be trying to figure out what to do with the rest of it!

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #50)

Tue Apr 21, 2020, 01:11 PM

52. Hi! Hope you are feeling okay today!

I was thinking itís so hard to find any flour or sugar thatís not in large sacks, maybe neighbors can get together and buy a large sack and then split it? Seems like there has to be some work around.

There is a big storm coming here, hope we donít get a tornado!

❤️🌹

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Response to LiberalLoner (Reply #52)

Tue Apr 21, 2020, 03:18 PM

53. No tornado, no tornado, no tornado!

Please, please stay safe!

One of the things that makes me worry so much for everybody is that while this plague continues to attack, we're going to have all the "normal" stuff: tornadoes, forest fires, floods and mudslides, hurricanes, etc. All will produce people needing help from already over-taxed systems and people. All requiring even more people risking exposure in order to help others, and they will do it because that's what they do.

Do you have a shelter of your own?

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #53)

Wed Apr 22, 2020, 01:24 PM

54. Oh gosh thank you, I'm sorry I didn't answer sooner,

There was no tornado this time, just a bad thunderstorm was all. We have a basement and a bathroom in the basement with no windows and a bathtub to hide in so we are safe. Whenever we get a warning we take our kitty with us and go down to the basement. And our kitty meows at us like he thinks we are nuts!

What a good person you are for caring about all of us here!

❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:02 PM

16. that was me last year, fersher.

had a couple of tough years, end of a long marriage, loss of my sister, and a list of petty health issues that all flared up at the same time.
last year, esp, seemed like i crawled through it on my hands and knees.

i managed to chew through the onion to get the health issues under control.
got my head meds tuned up, and i am doing much better.

but i spent a whole lot of that year barely keeping my critters alive. i spend most of the day curled up on my bed w my 2 big dogs. it seemed like a waste, but it gave me as much peace as anything every has.

i made a point of patting myself on the back for what i DID get done.
and i made a point of forgiving myself for what i didnt get done. told myself over and over that i could do what i could do, and that was just what it is.
acceptance. and gratitude, esp for those dogs.

as i started feeling better, i discovered that the acceptance had taken root.
i am more able to take pride in my accomplishments.
i feel competent when i look around my little farm, and my chores just arent as heavy now.

i hope you can find healing, dear.
if you think life might work out better somewhere else, find a way. sell whatever you can, pack what you really need, and go.
when you get there, you will have done a huge thing. so you will know you can still di huge things. maybe that will convince you of your worth.

keep writing. i dont think you should erase it, tho. if it isnt right, start over. do it till it feels right. dont judge, just write. judgement is for editors.

always available in here.


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Response to mopinko (Reply #16)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:29 PM

22. Don't you just wish we could all get together for a group hug..I am so impressed with your message

to sunriser..this I honestly believe is what sunriser needs to hear..encouragement..by someone who has been there..I am starting to see many sharing their stories now..yours is admirable..and sunriser needs to keep sharing..I think we all do..it helps..

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Response to asiliveandbreathe (Reply #22)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 11:45 PM

39. thx honey. so happy to have this tale to tell.

miss the days when this place flew under the radar, and folks could actually meet.
i have met a few folks irl, and it is really a wonderful thing. except for library girl. i met her. yeah, she kinda single handedly ended the meet ups. true pity.

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Response to asiliveandbreathe (Reply #22)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 12:54 AM

43. Hugs and squishes!

Maybe that is what I need.

I've never been particularly demonstrative, even been accused of being stand-offish. But once I get to know and trust somebody, I'm more comfortable with them in the "personal space" surrounding. More "normal" if you will.

Isolating as I have isn't conducive to getting to know and trust anyone, is it? I know that - the isolation is just another layer of the walls.

I appreciate you.

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Response to mopinko (Reply #16)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:42 PM

25. I understand. Thank you for sharing.

Hugs to you, and thankfulness the other side was there for you.

I too feel like curling up in a ball, wailing for my mommy!

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #25)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 11:42 PM

38. well, you just go ahead.

i slept w my dogs, cuz it's what i had to do.
but if i had needed to scream and cry and write (which i do do. you should see my email draft file.) you can bet your bippy that is what i would have done.

i feel for your absence of family. my family story is good and bad. i was the target of my only brother, the middle of 7 kids. i was #6, and i have no idea why i was picked out. could have been a lot of thing.
otoh, i had a real relationship w my alcoholic dad, rly the only one. my older sisters had an intense relationship, but it wasnt happy. but me, for some reason, i was his dinky, and his last hope for a kid to fulfill his frustrated dreams. rly took me 60 years to appreciate it, but there was that acceptance.
i had always tried to be grateful for my genes, at least, which are interesting.
but it really took old age to really grip the extent of it. how they left me perfectly positioned to launch this crazy little farm.

but my figurative paintings are all about family, motherhood, love and life.
they are abstracted, and have no faces. tho this does bother some people, my feeling is that i try to paint the universal, and there is nothing more universal than that we all had a mother, at the least at one point. for some they can see their own mother, family, love, in that blanks space, but also for some there is nothing but a mother/family shaped blank hole. and they can see that, too. what it might have been. what their dreams might be.

i have gone back and forth, but the loss of the first sibling brought us all together, as such things do, followed by another family member shortly after.
i am #6, and #7 and i have a deep but sometimes prickly relationship. the baby and the favorite of only brother. but she needed me, and i helped her get elected to a county board, in spite of how shitty i was feeling.
it's good to be back in the family, but i had to tell my brother to fuck off.
all of which is to say that the absence of a family can have as big or bigger impact than an actual family.

i have wondered aloud many times why the feeling of accomplishment is so fleeting, but regrets last a life time.
here on the other side, i find myself enjoying my accomplishments immensely.
in year 8, my farm has matured into a little bit of paradise. my chickens are gorgeous and my eggs are delicious. my fruit trees should actually bear fruit this year. i have outlasted my critics to become a neighborhood institution.
my life is good, and i try every day to be grateful for that.

and yes, i sure do wish we could all meet in meat space some time.
it used to be a thing that happened around here, but it went bad fast when the weirdos moved it. there are always a couple.

hang in there, dear.
i'll be waiting for you over here on the other side.

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Response to mopinko (Reply #38)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 12:31 AM

41. Lack of family can be both a curse and a blessing.

Alternately, a big family can be much the same.

Your story, and the stories and lives of others who have honored me enough to want to share, do give me gratitude for what I haven't suffered. Does that make sense?

"They" say you can't help anyone else if you can't help yourself. I don't believe that's true. Sometimes you just run out of juice. I used to be able to help, Friends swarmed at me all at once for counsel and guidance in their own lives, but I got overwhelmed, and then just withdrew completely and crawled into my cave as a confirmed recluse.

I've followed your story, and your farm, and your art, with interest.

I'm so happy you are now finding your piece of security... and peace.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #41)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 12:54 AM

42. oh my.

yeah, no, not being able to help others if you are in trouble is 180ļ wrong.
i fell for a guy just in time for him to come down w als. it took a while to figure out, and i was in a sketchy place at the time, and i joked that we were the perfect couple. the halt and the lame. that maybe we could lean into each other, each put our good foot forward and trudge on. cuz what else is senior citizen love for?

and 1 more thing- if you are tired, sleep. if you have trouble sleeping, try to fix that. there is no pharmaceutical factory like a good nights sleep. take some melatonin. or a benedryl. get heavier window coverings. figure out what wakes you up. read up on sleep hygiene.
that there was central to my getting on track.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:04 PM

18. Hoping the coming spring and summer days will bring you the opportunity

to be outside in healing warmth and just observing life around you - the people passing by, the small animals living their lives, the plant life coming alive again and changing a little by little each day.

I too have worried about my vulnerability to Covid 19, knowing my age and "underlying conditions" would surely take me off. I'm largely distracted from thinking about that too much by distracting myself with online information and discussions and a few good tv presentations.

May you find worthy distractions to fill your days. Find some music on Youtube that reminds you of time gone by. Spring is here.

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Response to No Vested Interest (Reply #18)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 10:02 PM

37. This is a very late response, I needed to find something.

I wanted the perfect picture to be my thanks to you...



A reminder of the beauty in this world, given to us in purity and light...

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #37)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 03:02 AM

45. You did well, sunriser, indeed finding the perfect picture...

It was a delight to open the page and find such a beautiful sight.
Warms and calms me at the same time.
Hope your search and eventually finding this brought you some moments of peace and calm...
Peace....

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:14 PM

19. So sorry to hear, Sunriser. 😢

It is just heartbreaking, all you have, and continue to go through.

I wish I were in a position to help you in a tangible way. 💔

Can you at least get SSI? Have you called churches? Some have funds for such situations, although many might be tapped out with the pandemic.

The only things I have to offer are ideas & websites with self-help info.

Yale is offering their very popular course, "The Science of Happiness" for free at the link below. It's very good stuff - mindfulness, self-compassion, etc. Over 2 million people have taken this course & it has a 4.9 rating. I hope you find it helpful if you opt to try it. (It is absolutely free. There is a certificate program for professionals for which they carge a nominal fee, byt for us, it is free.)

https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being


Since you like to write to purge malignant menories abd frustrations, below is the benchmark in the psych world for journaling therapy. The research is all online & objective medical tests showed increased immune system (30%, if I am remembering correctly), decreade in depression & anxiety & improved grades for students. Here is the link:

https://www.journaling.com/articles/expressive-writing-a-tool-for-transformation-with-dr-james-pennebaker-ph-d/

I had seen a site with Dr. Pennebaker's research & a free book to read online about thos topic, but am having trouble finding it. I will keep hunting & post here if I find it.


Also, a psychologist posted tips on Instagram. Here is article link about it:

https://www.localmemphis.com/mobile/article/news/health/psychologist-starts-instagram-series-regarding-mental-health-and-well-being-during-covid-19/522-238d7d80-def2-409d-b440-2c0e09ccf027


Info on mindfulness;

https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/


Info on self-compassion:

https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

I hope these rwsources are helpful in some way to you.

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Response to SheltieLover (Reply #19)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 08:03 PM

27. Will be checking out your links!

Thank you - I appreciate your help.

There is so much out there that just makes us feel even worse. So often we are left adrift. "Well, yeah, there really must be something wrong with you. Here are the answers, you're just too dense, too self-absorbed, too blind to figure it out." These are the thoughts that ramble through the disorganization of pain.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #27)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 08:26 PM

28. Yaaaay!

I hear you loud & clear about judgmental aholes. 🤬

Along with self-compassion comes the notion that this society is addicted to perfection. Who or what is perfect?

In fact, there is a book by that title: "Addiction to Perfection," by Marion Woodman, a wonderful feminist author. This is not an easy read. What I mean by this is that it's the type of book that you can read most paragraphs or pages over & over for days & continue to learn from it. It's based on Jungian psychogy, which is psychospiritually based . 😁 My fav. LOL

Another quick, easy thing you can do is to start a gratitude journal. To do so, write down 3 things you are grateful for just before going to sleep. # the items & add 3 things each nite, then reread the entire list before going to sleep. So on 1st night, #1, 2, 3. 2nd night you add 4, 5, &7 & so on. Because you will reread each night, its best to keep each entry to 1-2 words. Eg: You could probably write a lengthy paragraph about how nice bright, warm sunshine feels, but would you want to reread all that each night?

This is great to jumpstart a positive energy flow & lift one's spirits.

It's important to do just before going to sleep, because as we are falling asleep, our brains are reviewing what we learned during the day & encoding & storing memories.

I hope this helps. It is a popular life coaching skill. Entries can be anything: a cool drink of water, a new pair of shoelaces, etc. 👍

Feel free to pm if you wish to discuss further.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:28 PM

21. Free course: "J is for Journal" (Dr. Pennebaker)

Hi Sunriser - I am still hunting for Dr. Pennebaker's book I had seen online for free.

I have found this journaling enrichment course for free:

https://twinstitute.net/

You have to scroll down to grt to this option.

I hope this is helpful to you.

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Response to SheltieLover (Reply #21)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:32 PM

23. Great suggestions

For Everybody

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Response to Kitchari (Reply #23)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 08:28 PM

29. TY. 😊

I offer them humbly in hopes to ward off the fear shitler is creating & projecting onto our country.

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Response to SheltieLover (Reply #29)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 08:45 PM

30. Agree

We all need to help each other

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Response to Kitchari (Reply #30)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 09:28 PM

34. Absolutely!

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:36 PM

24. Just a word of support and hope for you

--I've benefited from talking it out with therapists over the years--glad you are not keeping it quiet

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 07:52 PM

26. I'm so sorry

I know how it feels to be so depressed. Nothing wrong with feeling how you feel right now because of the situation and just everything in life things so hectic anymore

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #26)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 08:50 PM

31. Much hug - thank you.

It can be hard to find the words to respond, and by the time we think we know them, so many others have already said it. I want you to know I was there for you, even though I had not spoken. I heard you.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #31)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 09:08 PM

33. Exactly

A week ago I was near suicidal. I was gonna harm myself. But u stepped away and let things just relax. All it takes

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Sun Apr 19, 2020, 09:30 PM

35. I just pilled my cat... I think.

Last edited Tue Apr 21, 2020, 03:20 PM - Edit history (1)

Almost sure... I can't find the pill anywhere...

He is looking at me wondering why I, his trusted chosen one, would want to torture him. He screamed and lashed out, of course, several times. I'm crying, sobbing really, both with frustration and with heartbreak that I cannot explain it to him.

I also truly am looking for bandages... I'm not at all good at this.

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Retrieve spouse from outside.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and cheek and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of scotch and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little &#^@'s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat's head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1) Wrap pill in bacon.

2) Toss it in the air.




One must laugh to keep from crying; humor has at least tried to peek out from under the bed.

I'm trying, ya'll, really I am!

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Response to Sunriser13 (Reply #35)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 12:56 AM

44. oh god. ferrealz.

i have parrots, and when one got sick i just had to park her at the vet so they could medicate her. i just didnt have the strength for that shit.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Mon Apr 20, 2020, 06:09 PM

51. No reason for you to get it, hon.

Stay home. Stay safe.

You can do this.

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Response to Sunriser13 (Original post)

Tue Apr 28, 2020, 06:09 PM

55. Yes the isolation and hibernation is daunting

what seemed good 3 weeks ago is now distorting judgment. home has no feeling of human warmth. going out more, even with a mask, is essential. i make more time to sleep, to read. I have to get off the tube more. i desire to bake brownies. but forgot to buy extra flour, not that there's much available.

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