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Fri Aug 23, 2019, 10:25 AM

Should I feel guilty about skipping this?

We're invited to go sailing with my future son-in-law and his dad tonight. It's to scatter his mom's ashes in the lake. On the one hand, I feel guilty about not being there for them. But on the other hand, there will be a bunch of their close friends, so me not being there won't be as obvious. To me, sailing was a lot more fun when I was drinking. And everyone on the boat will be drinking. Not getting absolutely hammered like I'd get. But I wouldn't drink. It's just that I'd feel uncomfortable the whole time, especially being around folks I don't know all that well. I don't like those kinds of gatherings. The way I figure it, it's all about me at this point. It hasn't been quite a year of being sober. If they want me to stay clean, they'll just have to deal with going to some events without me. And my family does understand. They're the ones who arranged the intervention 11 months ago. Thoughts?

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Response to bif (Original post)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 10:29 AM

1. a tough decision. it is a "family event"

on the other hand, it is much easier to go one day at a time if we "avoid the near occasion of sin"

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Response to bif (Original post)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 10:37 AM

2. You're taking care of yourself.

The most important thing in your life is your sobriety. It sounds like you know this is a high risk situation and want to avoid that. Makes sense to me. If your family staged the intervention seems like your sobriety is important to them. If it was someplace you could leave if you needed to that would be one thing but short of swimming for shore youíre there for the duration.

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Response to bif (Original post)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 10:42 AM

3. How do your daughter and future son-in-law feel about it?

Given that they understand, I donít think you should feel guilty at all. Itís wonderful that youíve done so well after the familyís intervention, and they know how much it means.

Over time such events may seem different to you, but you have to do whatís right for you in the present.

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Response to enough (Reply #3)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 12:55 PM

8. Haven't discussed it with my future S-I-L.

But my daughter understands.

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Response to bif (Original post)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 11:20 AM

4. having been there,,

How about congratulating yourself on almost a year of sobriety, and using this as a personal challenge to your self that you know you are strong enough to succeed? I remember when I quit long ago,,and was playing golf, and partner said lets have a drink.. I sat in bar,,ordered diet coke,, and told him what was going on. I passed that challenge and felt great. I feel you can do same.


Koz

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Response to bif (Original post)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 11:27 AM

5. Life is short.

Do what you want. Don't do what you don't want to do.

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Response to roody (Reply #5)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 12:54 PM

7. Funny!

That's been one of my mottos forever!

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Response to bif (Original post)

Fri Aug 23, 2019, 12:18 PM

6. You have a couple of ways you might handle it.

One is to simply say, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to go" with no other explanation.

Another is to be honest about your sobriety and why you would be uncomfortable going.

Another is to lie and say you always get seasick on a boat, but that's probably not a very good choice.

In any case, do what works for you and explain as much or as little as you wish.

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Response to bif (Original post)

Tue Aug 27, 2019, 05:41 PM

9. I think it is great you share your concerns about trigger events

Over the last year, you seem to be the most prolific in sharing your day to day struggles staying sober. It shows you think about it and want to stay on top of it. Proud of you and you should be proud of yourself

Coming up on a year (if the 11 mos is when you finally said enough <or> were told it's enough), which is a long time. Again, Proud of you. Shit ain't easy.

If you have no reason to be at these events, don't go. But most of the events you share sound like there is good reason to be there. Don't get me wrong, your sobriety is number one. If you even feel the slightest apprehension, don't go. But at some point, we have to look at whether or not we are a still a slave to alcohol. Sober or otherwise. When we drank, slave to the booze. Now we don't go places or experience life because we are still a slave to the booze, or the ghost of it.

If I see a theme in your posts, it's because I lived that same theme: everything is a trigger. I loved to drink and I did it everywhere I went, everything I did. If I was happy, I drank. Sad, I drank. Angry, celebrating, traveling, camping, holidays - I drank at all of them.

I'll end with this: you seemed to be pretty active when you drank. Was it only because you drank? I'd bet not. People like you and want to be with you. You like people and want to be with them. In fact, I would suggest you and they will like each other more and have more fun when you're sober. That is who you are. Sober you. Not drunk you.

One drunk's opinion, since you asked.

Keep up the good work.

J

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Response to JDC (Reply #9)

Wed Aug 28, 2019, 07:49 AM

10. Thank you for sharing your thoughts

A lot to digest. As you mentioned, I am and have always been quite active. I've only avoided a few events over the past year. It's not so much that they're triggering events. I guess it's just situations that I've never felt totally comfortable in. Usually parties where I don't know most of the people. Drinking made me a bit more comfortable there. I now can use the drinking issue as an excuse for not going. My wife is perfectly happy going by herself.

I did have an "aha" moment a month or so ago. I only drank in the evenings because I enjoyed the buzz. Typically, I would start while making dinner, and keep on until I got tired and went to bed early. 10 or 10:30. If I watched a movie or read a book, I'd completely forget how they turned out in the morning. So I was sitting at a Starbucks, sipping coffee and people watching. My wife was working late so I had some time to kill. Then I went home and had dinner and painted for a few hours. I thought to myself, "Hey, the old me would have gone home and wasted the entire evening. This is so much better. Life is good!"

Life is indeed good and much too short to waste it in a fog.

Thanks again for listening to me ramble on, and thanks for your comments/observations.

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Response to bif (Reply #10)

Wed Sep 4, 2019, 07:37 PM

13. Follow up check in. How goes the proverbial war?

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Response to JDC (Reply #13)

Mon Sep 16, 2019, 07:01 AM

15. I hate to use the old cliche but...

It's gets better every day.

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Response to bif (Reply #15)

Mon Sep 16, 2019, 08:28 PM

16. Indeed. Take care

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Response to bif (Original post)

Thu Aug 29, 2019, 07:21 PM

11. I have been to meetings, been to counseling, had very serious health problems and recovered totally,

so feeling guilty is not a good thing for us addicts. We have " other issues"
.. We need to take care of ourselves, first and most important. Yes, someone else said that too. If your daughter understands, that is enough. Your words and I quote: "It's that I'd feel uncomfortable the whole time..." That is something we do not need to feel.
...We are recovering addicts. We feel uncomfortable without a ride on a sailboat. Yes, the important idea is, "Take care of ourselves" That is it, and that is enough....You said the total truth...."If they want me to stay clean, they'll just have to deal with going to some events without me..And my family does understand"

..Protect yourself..always. It isn't easy, but it is what we have to do. Again, "PROTECT YOURSELF, ALWAYS"

OK, i'll say it differently, "Please protect yourself..we want you back here clean and sober for a very long time"

Thank You for sharing with us.

....Stuart


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Response to bif (Original post)

Wed Sep 4, 2019, 11:52 AM

12. If it's a triggering activity for you...

...the better part of wisdom says to beg off.

We don't drink. NO MATTER WHAT. And if sailing with the family makes you want to, then sailing with the family will have to be put on the backburner.

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Response to bif (Original post)

Sat Sep 14, 2019, 01:02 PM

14. I don't ever feel guilty about saying No to stuff I used to enjoy but don't anymore.

EDITED TO ADD: Such as playing pool in dive bars. That was one of my most favorite things. But when people ask me to go, I say No, and I don't feel the least bit guilty.

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