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Wed Jan 2, 2013, 09:55 PM

On Netflix: The Van

Danny DeVito cameos in this, uh, movie with a Danny DeVito cameo in it.

Bobby rode the short bus to school, but now that he's graduated, how will he get around?

Will buying a tricked out Dodge van make Bobby a cooler person? Who knows. But will watching this movie make you a cooler person? Now that's a tough one. If, for example, you had no talent and a time machine, you might be able to go back to 1977 and write, produce, direct and star in just about anything better than this. And that would make you pretty cool.

Date rape, drinking and driving, kidnapping and racial stereotypes are all part of the fun to be had while you consider that maybe having 35 cents-per-gallon gasoline was not without its cultural downside. I mean what could be better than having a waterbed and a van, unless its having a waterbed IN your van! And, oh yeah, an eight track!

Return to the days when glorious herds of wild shag were hunted to extinction by the carpet industry and behold the wisdom of swigging from a two gallon bottle of Gallo red while careening down the road surrounded by white tuck and roll upholstery.

But will our hero get the girl. Well, any girl for that matter. The law of averages being what it is, it's safer than any bet Danny DeVito is taking at the car wash counter.

Eventually Bobby learns that some girls want you to "talk to them and stuff" before they will jump in the back of the van with you. The all-too brief partial nudity, however, makes it hardly worth the ride. If you see this van a-rockin', then it's time for one of the odd black screen edits that punctuate the film.

But, hey, it's the height of seasonal affective disorder season and too many people have access to firearms. So there are worse things you could do than watch this movie. At least it might put an hour and twenty six minutes between you and making a really bad decision.

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